By Rachel Gosling

(For Sarah, the only person in the history of this website to ever lodge a complaint, Terri, who stood by me when the chairs were wonky, and Zahrah, for erm....... yeah.)

Back in the good ol' days of Year 9, when I was hated by every teacher in the school and forced to sit at the front in almost every lesson, our lovely History teacher, Miss Anderson was probably my favourite (by favourite, I mean the star of all my murder-related daydreams). She was this evil, evil ratwoman demon thing and for some reason she didn't like me. No idea why. Well, actually, I do have some suspicions... would you like to hear about the events leading up to the chair incident? No? Well tough, it's my damn story, so there!

Ahem, anyway yeah, I think the hatred really began when the results of our first test came back. I'm sure she could've forgiven me for getting 16 out of 30 if only I hadn't wasted the following lesson, completely ignoring her as she went through the answers and instead doodling on my arm with a red pen (note that the pen was red. NOTE IT!!!)

Well, naturally she kept me behind at the end of the lesson which was mean seeing as my dear friend Sarah only got a 17 out of 30 but then again, she wasn't drawing on her arm with a red pen (Red! RED!!!!!!!). Anyways, so I nervously approached Miss Anderson's desk and she looked up at me and sighed (I hate it when teacher's sigh, it's like they actually have feelings or something!)

"Sixteen out of thirty..." She sighed. "SIXTEEN out of THIRTY!!!"
"Um..." said I. "It-It's more than half."
"I would have thought these test results would have made you see more clearly, but no, there you were sitting at the back messing about with a pink pen!"
"It was red actually-"
"I DON'T CARE WHAT COLOUR IT WAS!!!!" She screamed, showering me in spit. "IT'S NOT RELEVANT TO WHAT I'M SAYING!!!"

(Then why mention it, Miss Anderson?! Huh?! WHY mention that it was pink! Just leave it at pen you stupid verminious ass-sack!!!!)

Right well, later on in the term, she put me on a report card.... have you ever been put on a report card? If you haven't, then please PLEASE, I urge you, dear readers! I urge you with every fibre of my being to be good in school and never tempt the teachers to put you on a report card!!!! It's a nightmare!!! If you haven't been put on a report card, have you ever been to hell? I know most of you think hell is full of fire and black steel and giant chickens but NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Hell is a report card.

Two whole weeks of having to listen in class! Complete homework ON TIME!!!! C-C- *shudders in disgust* CONTRIBUTE to discussions!!!! Having to suck up to your teachers EVERY LESSON just so they can fill in their little square on the demonic pink card with a "good" or an "excellent" or a "satisfactory" as evil mr nose was stingy enough to put! It's a terrifying punishment, and the worst part about it was that every morning, I would have to go see Miss Anderson so she could check how yesterday went for me. EVERY MOVE I MADE WAS MONITORED! EVERY WORD I SPOKE WAS HEARD! There was no escape from the prying eyes! No escape! NO ESCAPE!!! Um... except for five days later when Miss Anderson said I'd improved so much that she was letting me free a week earlier... What can I say? I'm great at sucking up (wait... that sounds wrong)

Anyway, a few weeks after my Purgatory, we were told to write speechs as if we were Adolf Hitler and then read them out to the class. We were to work in pairs and I worked with Terri... who turned out to be completely useless and i ended up writing the whole thing myself (I hear you gasp but you really don't understand how terrified I was of Miss Anderson at this point... She could once again curse me with the Report Card at any moment.)

Right well, I can't quite remember the entire speech I read out to Miss Anderson and the rest of my slavemates (i mean classmates). Soon, I shall find the piece of paper I wrote it on and post it up, but for now I will give you all that I can remember of it.... the ending, which was, it has to be said, the ending of the GREATEST SPEECH EVER WRITTEN!!!!!!

Yes, I read this out in front of the entire class! Sarah and Zahrah were the only ones who clapped and Miss Anderson looked absolutely horrified at how good it was and very painfully said,

"That was....... e-e-excellent, Rachel."
The look of complete anguish on her face made me uncertain as to whether she meant it or not, so I would have gladly pointed out that if Hitler had actually given this speech, Germany probably would've won the war and she'd have blonde hair and blue eyes but then, the shadow of the report card loomed over me and I quietly took my seat.

Right. Now I think it is safe to continue with the actual story I intended to write...

The classroom where we normally had our history lessons was being painted so noticeboards were put up around the school saying which classes were to go where. By the time I managed to find one of these damn posters that morning, I was already ten minutes late and when I reached the classroom, I burst in while Miss Anderson was in the middle of talking and screamed "SORRY I'M LATE, MISS!!!!!!!!!" at the top of my voice.

She scowled at me. "Just sit down Rachel." and began to take the register.

Luckily there was one chair left so I took it and noisily dragged it to the table where Terri, Sarah and Zahrah was sitiing. I got my books and stuff out, put them on my desk and sat down... the chair wobbled and nearly threw me off.
"WOAH!" I shouted.
Miss Anderson stopped and glared at me.
"S-Sorry, Miss," I said.
She sighed again and continued with the register.

Once she was busy again, I looked under my chair and what I saw filled me with such horror that, erm... I don't know what to put here so um... [insert scary description]...
Yes, anyway, I was mortally terrified at what I saw....

The chair only had three legs.

I tried desperately to jump out of the chair but have you ever tried jumping out of a chair that only has three legs? If you haven't, let's put it this way... have you ever played that game Buckaroo? I looked a bit like that.

The chair seemed to sense that I wanted to leave it so it thought 'I don't think so, Buster Brown'(!) and started wobbling all over the place. At one point it threw me forwards and I grabbed hold of the desk so violently that all our stuff fell on the floor... loudly.

Miss Anderson exploded (no, not in the good way). "RACHEL!" She shouted. "STOP FIDGETING! SIT ON ALL FOUR LEGS!"
"I can't Miss!" I replied.
"Why not?"
"This chair's only got three!!!!"

And then it happened. The chair gave one last little push and I was off. I gave a little whimper as I slowly fell backwards and then....

BANG.

Now, consider this from Terri's point of view. She's just sitting there, getting on with her work, lalalala, and then she sees me out of the corner of her eye, slowly disappearing from view... and when she turns around to see where I've gone, she finds me sprawled out on the floor, giggling with the rest of the class... who are howling with laughter.

Anyway, I got to my feet, rubbed the dust from my elbows, still laughing, when I look up and see Miss Anderson glaring at me, hands on hips, typical angry teacher pout. The report card seemed inevitable and I awaited my doom.

"That wasn't funny," Miss Anderson said through gritted teeth.
"No," I replied, going into instant suck-up mode to avoid the report card (and quite possibly the 40 lashes)
"Your behaviour today has been atrocious."
"Yes,"
"Do you want me to write home to your mother?"
"No."
"Go and sit down then."
"Yes... I mean, no! I can't!"
"Why not?"
"I need another chair." I began to walk out of the room to go look for a chair (preferably one with FOUR legs) when Miss Anderson spoke again, still angry.

"Where are you going?" She snapped.
"To get another chair."
"You've already got one."
"Yes..." I said, slowly, as if talking to the very stupid (which I was). "But it only has three legs..."

The class laughed again and Miss Anderson flipped out. She obviously didn't like these emotion things such as humour or mirth...

"Fine," she said huffily. "Go get another chair. And when you come back, you can sit at the front for the rest of the lesson..."

Bloody bitch.