sigh... i feel so oppressed here... i can't cook. anything i say can and will be be used against me behind my back. any of those things i like to do for fun-yeah all pretty much gone... i can play video games if no one else is home or if i stay down in the basement and play on this little tv that's so old i can barely read the words on th game.. and that's if scott isn't playing already.. my books are in storage, and my beefy paychecks are already called for for at least the next two months.. so i'm making money but can spend it, I have things to do but either i'm not allowed to or i can't get the the necessary objects to do said activity.. it's all about money you see, we need to catch up on the rent for our old apt-we need to pay scott's mom back because she's apparently funneled her life savings into scott's wallet-we need to pay for the supposed heap of food we're eating (i've been living off cereal and toast all summer and i feel super malnourished)  scott just had to use the money he was going to use to get gas to buy his mom dinner and tp.. god, i just want my own place where i can actually be alone sometimes-or at least be left alone.. i want to cook! and god forbid i smoke from time to time.. or drink.. or watch tv from the couch for several hours straight.. 

instead I get scott freaking out on me because his mom is riding his ass about money and complaining about me and i'm wining to him because i have no one else to talk to about anything..  i  know no one up here.. and i'm really sick of living with my future in-laws..

sigh... i feel so oppressed here... i can't cook. anything i say can and will be be used against me behind my back. any of those things i like to do for fun-yeah all pretty much gone... i can play video games if no one else is home or if i stay down in the basement and play on this little tv that's so old i can barely read the words on th game.. and that's if scott isn't playing already.. my books are in storage, and my beefy paychecks are already called for for at least the next two months.. so i'm making money but can spend it, I have things to do but either i'm not allowed to or i can't get the the necessary objects to do said activity.. it's all about money you see, we need to catch up on the rent for our old apt-we need to pay scott's mom back because she's apparently funneled her life savings into scott's wallet-we need to pay for the supposed heap of food we're eating (i've been living off cereal and toast all summer and i feel super malnourished)  scott just had to use the money he was going to use to get gas to buy his mom dinner and tp.. god, i just want my own place where i can actually be alone sometimes-or at least be left alone.. i want to cook! and god forbid i smoke from time to time.. or drink.. or watch tv from the couch for several hours straight.. 

instead I get scott freaking out on me because his mom is riding his ass about money and complaining about me and i'm wining to him because i have no one else to talk to about anything..  i  know no one up here.. and i'm really sick of living with my future in-laws..

g his ass about momey and itchi

sigh... i feel so oppressed here... i can't cook. anything i say can and will be be used against me behind my back. any of those things i like to do for fun-yeah all pretty much gone... i can play video games if no one else is home or if i stay down in the basement and play on this little tv that's so old i can barely read the words on th game.. and that's if scott isn't playing already.. my books are in storage, and my beefy paychecks are already called for for at least the next two months.. so i'm making money but can spend it, I have things to do but either i'm not allowed to or i can't get the the necessary objects to do said activity.. it's all about money you see, we need to catch up on the rent for our old apt-we need to pay scott's mom back because she's apparently funneled her life savings into scott's wallet-we need to pay for the supposed heap of food we're eating (i've been living off cereal and toast all summer and i feel super malnourished)  scott just had to use the money he was going to use to get gas to buy his mom dinner and tp.. god, i just want my own place where i can actually be alone sometimes-or at least be left alone.. i want to cook! and god forbid i smoke from time to time.. or drink.. or watch tv from the couch for several hours straight.. 

instead I get scott freaking out on me because his mom is riding his ass about money and complaining about me and i'm wining to him because i have no one else to talk to about anything..  i  know no one up here.. and i'm really sick of living with my future in-laws..

i feel dead inside. i'm about to be engaged and while I am excited, there is something deep inside that feels nothing still.. kevin should be here for this, to hug me and help me plan a wedding.. but he's dead, and I haven't found anyone to replace him, not even close... i've been abandoned by almost all my friends.. i have people that i hang out with, but no one that i can turn to like this.. except for scott...

i still think about killing myself.

i am the only person that voted for obama in my family.. around the dinner table they get to talking about how much of an idiot he is and how he won't do anything for this nation. Racist ingnorant backwoods republicans... they blame Bush's poor choices on the democrates. Because congress has now become democratically lead. to them running the nation is all about who's wrong and who's right. why not make this about workig together to fix our failing nation? is that such an outlandish idea? Sometimes-wait, no-all the time, I can't stand my family. Especially for longer than a weekend.. let along a whole effing week..

now I find myself thinking more and more ernestly about doing myself in. There have been times I drive past Walgreens and fantisize about buying a bottle of asprine, and giving the tried and true overdose a try. I don't think I could drive out in front of a semi like I used to plan... dying in a car accident after Kevin would... I just couldn't do that. I think about dying, and the only stopping me is who I'll leave behind, who would kill themselves because of me. I cling to Scott and Tiffany as my life-lines.. and I don't think they realize how much I depend on them right now. I wish I could say that Erin was one of those people I look for support from, but she had faded into the background of my life. I wish I could say I'm growing closerr to Kevin's family after this tradegy, but I can't muster the courage to visit them, to call or write.. i'm afraid if they talked to me I couldn't hide what I feel. that I wanted to speand the rest of my life with Kevin, and I feel lost, like a child left at the Grand Canyon with no other option but to crawl over the ledge and jump. I know they will see me as half there, like a man missing a leg or a dor with one eye. I am so afraid, afraid to live, to die, to wake up, to go to sleep at night.  kevin was my foundation, and with out him I'm floundering to stay above water, I'm just surviving, getting tomorow. I graduate this summer... without the protection of school to shelter me from reality I dread walking across that stage into the empty unknown of adulthood..

Kevin is now gone and buried, and I have cried with his parents. Catholics are crazy... and his funeral nithing he would have wonted, but I didn't have much of a say in it. Now everyone claims they're his best friend, which makes me feel wierd.. I was his best.. his actual best friend... and I was just lumped into this group of friends.... it hurt..

in other news I think I'vefound a relly nice guy to date... smart, going to csu, sweet... attactive..

kevin died. erin called me and told me he was in an accident and they took him off life support. he's dead. my best friend is dead. i planned on growing old with him. i always told myself that i think I would just die if something happened to him. but how can I do that to my family, my friends? imagining my whole life without my best friend is horrible. who will I call now when something happens? how do I not think about my closest friend for the past 6 years every second of the day?

i want to get used to not sleeping alone. I want to have someone that loves me for who I am... pft...