These quotes have been featured on my notebooks, backpacks, purses, emails, and pretty much everything else upon which I can put quotes. A great deal of these come from advertisements. As a few friends of mine might be able to tell you, I have an overwhelming and entirely mysterious love of advertisements. It's just so... expensive for something so cheap as coaxing people in buying your product or ideology. But that's not a subject for the quotes section.
Behold! Quotes!
"The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever." -Herb Caen
“Why is it whenever I’m having fun, it’s wrong?” –Squidward, “Fools of April”
“To squeeze the universe into a ball and roll it towards some overwhelming question… what the hell is Degrassi?” –Nadia, on teen soaps
"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." -Friedrich Nietzsche
"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it." –Voltaire
"It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information." -Oscar Wilde
“How many colleges have their own landing strip?” –U.S. Navy recruiting ad
“Pain is weakness leaving the body.” –U.S. Marines recruiting ad
“Keep Bush out of mine.” –slogan on a pro-abortion protest button from George Sr.’s term in office
“She said she didn’t see anything unless someone holds a gun to her head. So I did.” –Jessie Fionn
“Catch your own chicken farm, you stop ‘em, we chop ‘em.” –Amanda
“Teleportation is a privilege, not a right.” –Anya, BtVS
“I can only teleport for business reasons. I have to file a flight plan and everything.” –Anya, BtVS
“I somehow doubt we’ll ever be the same, there’s too much poison and confusion on your face…” –The Goo Goo Dolls, “Hate This Place” (oddly, I had this song stuck in my head on my last day at my middle school…)
“I’m almost tempted to believe that the beating heart is only meant to be seen by God.” –Dr. Harvey
“If this is torture, chain me to the wall.” –Tito, “Oliver and Company”
“If love is blind, love cannot hit the mark.” –Mercutio, “Romeo and Juliet”
“That’s the office… I… uh… they need me, uh… there’s a, um, fire, and I need to put it out. Bye.” –Ben, “The Twilight Zone”
“Call me morbid or absurd, but to me, coming from you, friend is a four-letter word.” –Cake, “Friend Is A Four-Letter Word”
Powder of Madness: 2 drs. Black Mushroom. SAVE or victims go permanently “stark-raving mad.” Victims of this substance generally tend to rant and rave about “evil spirits” and the like. They will be of no use to anyone until cured of this malady.
-an entry in the Level 2 list of “Rare Herb and Plant Toxins,” from “The Compleat Alchemist: Fantasy Role-Playing Game Supplement” by Steven Cordobano and Stephan Michael Sechi
“Surgeon General’s Warning: Quitting Smoking May Now Seriously Reduce Risks to Your Health.” –seen and clipped from a cigarette ad
“Y.T. has been privileged to watch many a young Clint plant his sweet face in an empty Burbclave pool during an unauthorized night run, but always on a skateboard, never ever in a car. The landscape of a suburban night has much weird beauty if you just look.” – from Neal Stephenson’s Snow Crash
“Can a blueberry muffin shake up the status quo?” –Betty Crocker advertisement for muffin mix
“You have a keen sense of humor and bring out the best in others 03 18 28 34 37, 21.” –fortune from a “Shanghai Knights” promotional cookie (courtesy of Nadia’s local Wal-Mart greeter!)
“Many pleasurable and memorable adventures are in store for you! Lucky numbers: 10, 13, 22, 39, 40, 46” –fortune from a cookie gotten at the “China Buffet” (wow, this one even had commas in all the right places…) My next great adventure: navigating the newly reorganized Barnes and Nobles in the next shopping center over.
“Your path is arduous but will be amply rewarding. Lucky numbers 7, 10, 14, 24, 28, 35 [on the reverse…] LEARN CHINESE- Have a good trip…Lu-xing yu-kuai.” –fortune from a cookie at “The Mongolian BBQ.” I don’t know about the path being amply rewarded or having a good trip, but I did stumble over the hem of my skirt on the sidewalk outside. Karma! D’oh!
“You will become a great philanthropist in your later years.” –another cookie fortune from our friends at “The Mongolian BBQ!” Just because we skimp on the tip now doesn’t mean there isn’t hope for us later.
“INGREDIANTS: sugar; nonfat milk; blend of vegetable oils (contains partially hydrogenated palm kernel and soybean oils); refined palm kernel oil; contains 2% or less of: artificial coloring (includes Yellow 5 Lake; Yellow 6 Lake; and Blue 2 Lake); cornstarch; natural and artificial flavorings; salt; and soya lecthin, an emulsifier.” –ingrediants list on a bag of Hershey’s Bake Shoppe Cinnamon Chips. Do you realize that all those semi-colons are because of the two words “an emulsifier” at the very end?
“The search for the 7th Toa begins. Deep within the caverns of Mata Nui, the mysterious Mask of Light has been discovered. A herald must be chosen. Ancient prophecies will be fulfilled. Join the perilous journey as unlikely heroes do their part to bring light to the shadows. A Hero Will Be Revealed.” –advertisement for Bionicle: Mask of Light- The Movie, to be released on DVD and video September 16th, 2003. What do you think the producers had in mind? The Mummy? Indiana Jones? My roleplaying files?
“WC: What did a Civil War soldier remove from his pockets before battle, so these sinful objects would not be sent to his family if the soldier was killed? [answer on the reverse…] Dice.” –question from a card in my Trivial Pursuit: Know-It-All Edition set. My family came up with many creative (and incorrect) answers, but I shan’t put them here seeing as I do not want to go to hell.
"Oh, that's me, eternally young. You speak nonsense words for one so pretty yourself. I'm going out. I have to feed. And when I'm finished with that, when I'm full and hot, then I'll come and I'll talk to you and tell you anything you want. They could see nothing green here, and it's spring outside, southern spring. I can smell it through the walls. I want to look just for a moment on flowers. To kill, to drink blood and to have flowers." -Armand, The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice.
“When you’re naked, you’re naked.” –Nadia
“Strident perfume rose from the gardens right and left, from purple Four O’Clocks, as mortals call them here, a rampant flower like unto a weed, but infinitely sweet, and the wild irises stabbing upwards like blades out of the black mud, throaty petals monstrously big, battering themselves on old walls and concrete steps, and then as always there were roses, roses of old women and roses of the young, roses too whole for the tropical night, roses coated with poison.” –Armand, The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice. Holy god. That’s ALL ONE SENTENCE!
“To VIEW is human, to REWIND is divine.” –sticker on a Blockbuster video, graciously reminding us to rewind after viewing
“We could replace the semi-colon; nobody uses those anymore.” –Wally, “Dilbert”
“To read makes our speaking English good.” –Xander, BtVS
“Sometimes you feel like a necrophile, sometimes you don’t.” –Nadia, parodying the Almond Joy/Mounds commercials while watching Imhotep and Ankh-su-namun kiss in “The Mummy II.”
"But if they take our guns, how can we shoot liberals?" -slogan on a political button.
“Ordain women or stop baptizing them!” –slogan from a political button in support of female priests (for some reason the Christian religions don’t like the term “priestess”)
"C'mon, Daria, don't be shy. Show me your boobs." -Jane Lane, from "Daria," asking to see the pair of fake boobs that a cosmetic surgeon gave to Daria.
“Can I get you something? A glass of water? A transfusion?” –some guy in “The Crow 3: Salvation,” speaking to the decaying man dripping blood across the carpet.
“A fake picture’s worth a thousand words.” –same guy in “TC3:S”
“You’re a clown with a bird and a rising death toll.” –greatest line from “TC3:S.” Sums up all the movies that came after the original Crow film.
“Good-bye, cruel world… hello, ironic twist!” –anonymous Simpsons character who jumps from a ledge and whose fall is cushioned by a mass of rolling bodies.
“When it’s time for human sacrifice, well, someone has to die.” –Nadia, in a convoluted nursery rhyme (Little Boy Blue gone terribly wrong, if you must know)
“My other penis is a vagina.” –bumper sticker on the back of the car in “Family Guy.”
“Is that a good order or a bad order?” –Jiro, “Kikaider,” upon learning that his programming for distinguishing right and wrong is incomplete.
“A sleeping vampire looks very much like a dead human.” –what Nadia invariably ends up thinking about if she stays up past two AM reading vampire novels.