Session Two
“So… where’re you from? You always live around here?”
“Just because you’re talking to me doesn’t mean I’m talking to you.”
“That’s true.”
“Okay, you got one and she got three.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means you went ‘look, some crushed twigs’ and she’d already found him.”
“Raise your hand if you want him to drop the rotting meat. If you’re a Pooka, raise your hand if you don’t want him to drop the rotting meat.”
“I’m a sexy beast.”
“That doesn’t matter when you’re pup-a-riffic.”
Session Three
“And one house looks like it eats babies.”
“I’m not unseelie! I’m a rice person!”
“You’re made of rice?”
“I said ‘nice.’”
“I heard rice, too.”
“N-I-C-E.”
“The boggan steps out with a meat cleaver.”
“Is it magical?”
“Does is cleave babies?”
“Next person to say stupid shit OOC gets this,” (storyteller brandishes the dagger he keeps on his desk), “in the eye.”
“And so it was that the penis wound up in the eshu’s mouth…”
“The obese spaniel waddles towards you.”
“In front of you, you see motherfucking cliffiness.”
“Perception plus wits, four successes, I saw this coming and am away.”
“I roll etiquette to see if I ask for meat instead of just taking it.”
“Fine. The sluagh calls PERMANENT DIBS on fucking SECOND WATCH.”
“We can do that? Permanent dibs on first watch!”
“Yes! All successes! This is some damn good moose!”
“Willpower roll to resist suffocating Robert.”
“Have you ever heard of… give me a name.”
“Bob.”
“George.”
“Jim.”
“A better name.”
“Calvin.”
“Matthias.”
“Matthias the…Furry. He was a mouse pooka.”
“What are you doing?”
“Those cows look like dinner.”
“No! They don’t! They don’t look appetizing at all!”
“I don’t care who sent you. The loon sent you.”
“No. The loon sent him. I was sent by the Count.”
“No, the loon sent you all.”
“That would be great if I knew what a loon was.”
“It’s not quite soothsay, but it’s close enough for government work.”
“North, and north, and north again, and deeper into Dreams.” (The line that gave the sluagh chills)
“The sluagh throws a rock…. The sluagh throws a rock…. The sluagh throws a rock….”
Session Four
“Why a loon?” (The question that the sluagh asks everything)
“You like the tea. It tastes stale.”
“The parrot screams into the troll’s ear.”
“The sluagh collapses, moaning in pain.”
“So they don’t notice great inconsistencies, like these aren’t shotguns, and those aren’t NSA agents.”
“You’ve got your eshu with you, this is a detour.”
“The crumpets taste of deliciousness.”
“Only the undead offer scones.”
“So just how savory is this moose?”
“It’s… pretty damn good. Not as good as the last one, but still delicious.”
“Mostly savory moose.”
“Name a ridiculous animal.”
“Squirrel!” (Robert and Nadia in tandem)
“A ridiculous animal worth eating.”
“Platypus!” (Stroud and Nadia in tandem)
“Platypus… no. A hippo. You see a hippo.”
“He slashes you across the cheek.”
“You’re totally going to have Montoya scars!”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah, he is.”
“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my eshu. Prepare to die.”
“The abandoned die bemoans its fate.”
“What makes you worthy of the sword?”
“Nothing.”
“Take it. No one is worthy of the sword.”
“Buh duh buh…” (What Will said every time that some OOC assbag [i.e. all of us] got him off track and he had to think)
Session Five
“I’m not going to wake up with wings, am I? Because I’ll cut them off.”
“No, you get a beak.”
“No, I was thinking webbed feet, actually.”
“YOU WOULDN’T!” (throws down her notebook and character sheet, wide-eyed)
“No, I’m not, I’m not!”
“Why a loon?”
“Why a sluagh?”
“Why do I always move to the floor for tests?”
“I don’t know, but you do.”
“The loon sent me.”
“He’s a ballsy bird, isn’t he?” (Correction: Robert informs me that what Will actually said was "bossy bird." I was doped up on Benadryl at the time, and find this version quite humorous.)
“You’re the one he’s most likely to give the time of day.”
“And I’m really tempted to ask Oberon what time it is now.”
“Oberon says that it’s three o’clock. What time is it really… three-oh-seven. He’s pretty good at that.”
“You’re not sure what a fihr-bohlg is, but apparently his mother fucked one.”
“Did it have teeth?”
“Things that eat you usually do.”
“We’re eating savory-”
“Redcap!”
“The sluagh gums at her savory moose.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“Did we invite her?”
“No.”
“You put the damn back in damsel.”
“Make the parrot do diplomacy.”
“Except that the parrot can’t go four lines without using profanity.”
“Now…I have to fight myself.”
“I have to find a new question. I’m thinking ((signs)) ‘Why a sidhe?’”
“First sword swipe is a block. Second swipe pings off the armor.”
“WHOSE?”
“Good point.”
“Oh no, here’s a better question… ((signs)) ‘Why the satyr?’”
“You get two-point treasure ‘Goat Shoes of Speed.’”
“That sword’s compensating for something, isn’t it?”
“He’s got Tourrette’s, doesn’t he?”
“You come to a narrow point. Sea to one side, roughage-”
“And a harpy!”
“Are the harpies done arguing yet?”
“The harpies are going to keep arguing until I finish reading this and find out what a harpy would want.”
“We’re giving them the satyr as a sex slave.”
“So mote it be!”
“Wait… did that guy at the bar sell me any date-rape drugs?”
“What, were you going to use them on yourself?”
“Yes.”
“It’s marathon harpy sex!”
“Wynn comes to your room. You’re wanted at the party.”
“I’m coming.”
“He waits for you. Because you’re a sluagh.”
“And the eshu wakes up with… seven satyr women.”
“Mad props to the eshu.”
“It’s better than the hair of the dog that bit you, because he killed the fucking dog and buried it under the spring.” (Will telling us about the hangover-curing properties of Saul’s spring)
“A week passes. The knocker presents the sword.”
“The motherfucking sword.”
“Every time a redcap dies, a knocker gets his wings.”
“I’m totally mooching.”
((slurp noise))
“Wait…so we’re sitting in front of the Count playing rock/paper/scissors for the Sword of Spring?”
“So where are we going when we leave Winter Rose?”
“Where do you think?”
“North.”
“And?”
“North.”
“And?”
“North again.”
“And?”
“Deeper into dreams.”
Session Six
“There are people honorable to lie to.”
“Like the IRS.”
“I made something for you, because you have to keep up with elven steeds and… you can’t.”
“Magic’s heavy, quit your bitching.”
“It’s Pokemon tall grass.”
“Curiosity killed the pooka.”
“Giant spiders. Eww.”
“Actually, you’re thinking that you would kind of like one as a pet…”
“Giant spiders. We stay on the trod.”
“The Kraken is hiding in the river, half out of the water because he’s just too big to fit! Oh no! He sees me!”
“Row, row, row your bug…”
“You see the satyr rowing to shore on a dead spider, singing ‘Row, Row, Row Your Boat.’”
“If you could please refrain from ever doing that again-”
“-in your life-”
“-because that water smelled like ass.”
“Goat ass.”
“And spider goo.” (Calistan and Lady Caroline react in disgust when Sorne decides to shake off after getting soaked in a river and going to shore on a dead spider)
“I should get stomach acid from the satyr and use it as poison.”
“Think about how bad he smells on the outside. Now think about the inside.”
“You see a butterfly. Not a big butterfly, not a scary butterfly. A butterfly.”
“It’s Mothra! Chimera plus fae, I summon Godzilla! Four successes!”
“You botch. Godzilla eats you.”
“Teenagers these days. Always getting eaten by Godzilla.”
“I like chimera. They’re my friends.”
“Except for the ones that try to eat you.”
“Quiet! That’s how they show affection!”
“I’m just a sentry, it’s not my job to think.”
“I’m the one who could tell him to slit your throat.”
“So you’re a higher-level sentry?”
“You could be a goat pooka!”
“I’m NOT a goat pooka! I’m a satyr!”
“That’s exactly what a pooka would say!”
“So if we were mugged by butterflies-I know it seems ridiculous, but let’s assume…”
“The eshu attacks the butterfly, gotta use melee…”
“You killed a dragon, and you CAN’T CATCH A BUTTERFLY?”
“You get the distinct feeling that its eyes just crossed.” (the sluagh interrogates a butterfly and introduces it to the concept of “creation”)
“A botch! The butterfly explodes.”
“We’ve got a trump card.”
“Polly is not a trump card.”
“Is there anything we can exchange for our sword?”
“((whispers)) Give them the satyr as a sex slave.”
“And we’re enjoying mostly savory satyr music.”
“That’s a sluagh cackle, just so you know.”
“This rock eats people.”
“I may have just destroyed the world.”
“The sluagh throws a rock.”
“High/low?”
“Low.”
“You hit!”
“This rock is warm, but not so warm it hurts.”
“Oh, no. The parrot is not trying to seduce me.”
“Dodge! Dodge!”
“You can’t dodge seduction!”
“DODGE SEDUCTION!”
“Troll’s most used phrase: we can take it.”
“Huh. Self-delivering breakfast.”
“We represent the Society of Chimerical History and Dragon-Guarded Places.”
“Yeah! Let’s go eat some babies! Uh… maidens. Damsels.”
“Spinach.”
“Kryos and Pyretics for Dummies. This is going to be our campfire reading.”
“Rock/paper/scissors?”
“Is that how we solve EVERYTHING in this group?”
“If you blow that in my ear, I’ll scream. And kill the sluagh.”
“The buffalo has… five horns.”
“Fuck. It’s the demon water buffalo from hell.”
“Chimerical parrot seeks sexual favors.”
“It is possible to masturbate a parrot.”
“Polly, did you see anything?”
“I only have eyes for you, baby.”
“What does the flute do?”
“Play music?”
“Pretty girl, and intelligent, too!”
“He can’t talk, stupid.”
“Me eat little bird.”
“Welcome to Kissingtown, the happiest and most loving place in the Dreaming.”
“Polly! Stop looking at my chest!”
“Tic-tac-toe, anyone?”
“The eshu draws a board in the sand…”
“I totally prompted evolution.”
“Excuse me, I need to evolve.”
“The blood brothers are totally tagging the twins.”
“High/low… they’re identical.”
“Mua ha ha… The Impregnator.”
“All these rings… we’re totally Power Rangers.”
“No, Planeteers.”
“Earth!”
“Water!”
“Air!”
“Fire!”
“Fire… no, you take fire, I’ll take Heart. Heart! I always hated Heart. He was a pussy.”
“Fine, so you get six gold, because some people at this table give twenty bucks to buskers.”
“The pooka sleeps, right?”
“We have to go. I totally trashed the tavern.”
“I… uh, I mutilated somebody.”
“My friend, your ass is ringing.”
“We’re running. Fleeing, more like it.”
“I hope nobody needs me to track anything, because I’m getting shitfaced.”
“I’ve been replaced by a cantrip. This makes me really sad.”
“You get one extra xp for blowing up a tavern, you get one extra for starting a religion, you get one extra for the babies, and… you and I got the twins, one point each.”
Session Seven
“Not so loud, I had a lot of wine last night.”
“She’s drunk in the back of the wagon.”
“Hangover cure. First one’s free.”
“The sluagh knows that nothing is free.”
“It’s a tornado trail. You know what those are, right?”
“Trails made by tornados?”
“The out-of-character question for the day… do I still have Tom?”
“Yes, you still have Tom. Tom is never going to leave you.”
“Yes!”
“You see a sign. The Chimerical Historical Society for the Preservation of Traditionally Dragon Guarded Places. That’s what the sign says.”
“Signs to the eshu, ‘oh, that was low.’” (the sluagh after the eshu shaved the edge off of a gold coin to use as a donation)
“As soon as the tour guide turns around, the troll signs ‘We can take ‘em.’”
“He signed a non-disclosure agreement.”
“Why hasn’t the banality here exploded the Dreaming? Canada and Maine should be gone!”
“It’s so banal and tacky, it’s almost creative.”
“Parrots eat nuts, seeds… rodentia. Like rats.”
“And goat pookas.”
“Trekkies unite!”
“…to pick trash up by the side of the road.”
“If you try to steal anything, the heart-exploding clause still applies.”
“Draconic—It’s Really Not As Hard As It Sounds.” (title of a book in the CHSPTDGP gift shop)
“I’m tired and sore and I smell like dragon love.”
“I sit on the floor of the gift shop and play Dragon Boggle with Tom.”
“Dragons: They’re Our Friends.” (another CHSPTDGP book)
“We’re going dragon-slaying!”
“Everyone looks furtively at the boggan.”
“I wonder if he knows we’re plotting genocide.”
“I find it amusing that we’re restocking equipment at a gift shop.”
“Are you trying to seduce the parrot?”
“Why are we hunting dragons?”
“I don’t know, I just woke up.”
“For the rest of the game, you guys just have to assume that when I say ‘sword,’ I mean ‘shield.’”
“The sidhe is in charge of providing a distraction to those who are attracted to females… the troll is in charge of defense, the satyr is here if we need a party…”
“And the sluagh is foremost in nothing, because she’s been replaced by a cantrip.”
“Krannor… the Mighty… and Ill-Tempered.” (the name of the dragon we’re seeking out, which the storyteller specified came with “dot dot dot” in between parts)
“How aerodynamic are you?”
“You just dislocate any of the bones that obstruct you, and we can hear it going ‘click-click-click’ and it’s really disgusting.” (the sluagh got to use Squirm!)
“We have fucking looted the gift shop.”
“Are we safe in assuming I have pants?”
“My name is Steven for the purposes of translation.”
“You can’t groom yourself with Nair.”
“The sluagh throws a rock.”
“It dissolves into dust.”
“Can we get Chinese?”
“Hmm… I’ll have to sell the couch…”
“You’re such a good sport, Bernie.”
“And it says here that he likes crumpets.”
“Too bad we don’t have the Hag…”
“I can make crumpets, I’m a good cook.”
“But they’re not crumpets of deliciousness, are they?”
“…he doesn’t eat pork for religious reasons.”
“WE HAVE A JEWISH DRAGON?”
“Fucking slut.” ((claps hand over mouth))
“That came out.”
“Oops.”
“What did she say?”
((sluagh begins coughing violently))
((eshu hands her the bottle of Dragon Fire Brandy))
“He likes white wine with virgins and red wine with… experienced people.”
“Do we have any white wine?”
“We don’t have any virgins.”
“How drunk am I?”
“You’re very drunk.”
“Am I drunk enough to rap?”
“You’re not going to remember most of this conversation. Basically, you’re just going to have this weird feeling that he’s Jewish.”
“Is Tom back yet?”
“Yes, Tom’s back. He’s curled up next to the sluagh, whispering sweet nothings in her ear.”
“Do we get menstrual periods in the Dreaming?”
“You know, I’ve never thought about it…”
“The eshu might have sex with the sluagh if he’d drunk a quarter of a bottle of dragon brandy, was sexually repressed, and the sidhe was nowhere in sight.”
“Chimerical condoms would have to be made by a knocker, so they’d have a flaw. They’d be heavy or loud or something.”
“Loud?”
“They’d whistle.”
Session Eight
“The only person who noticed we were gone was the satyr, but he challenged Crank to a drinking contest and god damn did he lose.”
“It’s not nice to roll drunks.”
“It’s not like we’re taking his money or weapons or anything.”
“We’re only taking things for the good of the party.”
“I really feel bad for you. I often wind up thinking, ‘God, I wish that it were in-character for me to do this so that Will wouldn’t have to talk to himself.’”
“I’ve got my horn. It should make a nice loud noise.”
“Death comes for the sluagh.”
“Do you want anything?”
“Parcheesi?”
“…and there are high chairs for the humans.”
“How demeaning.”
“And at the same time, necessary.”
“Do you have a goat in a bag?”
“Satyr.”
“And yearning for the sweet release of death.”
“Anyway. High chairs and Parcheesi.”
“Is that satyr by any chance a virgin?”
“Not since the harpy incident.”
“Hack hack gag… that was an OOC cough.”
“Fucking slut.”
“I’ll go get more tea.”
“What?”
*cough cough cough cough*
“She has asthma, and sometimes it manifests itself as ‘fucking slut.’”
“SLUT! One who has promiscuous sex!”
“Parcheesi?”
“Does this mean you’re going to try to be nice to me?”
“It’s not a promise, my lady. It’s only Parcheesi.”
“It’s safe, you cowards!”
“Parcheesi… the Great Equalizer.”
“You feel sore and hurt, like you were being juggled by a troll with boulders while you were unconscious.”
“If the eshu’s running from danger—HOLY GOD.”
“Do I get to sleep now?”
“Why?”
“You have to sleep to have dreams.”
(everyone at once) “WE’RE IN THE DREAMING.”
“You’re not that cold, because you’re covered in hair. Unless you shave. Do you shave?”
“I don’t know… last session he was insisting that he used Nair…”
“He bathes in it.”
“Ice harpies!”
“Give them the satyr as a sex slave!”
“My dick would freeze.”
“Actually, after the Nair, it might feel good.”
“I’m not going to ask the question I just thought of.”
“GOOD.”
“As long as there’s a good vibe and not a ‘the snow is afraid to fall here’ vibe.”
“You’re a dick.”
“Yes, I do have a dick. A very large one. As you might have noticed.”
“Not now, we’re having a Mexican standoff.”
“Not thinking about the bird and the sidhe…”
“Remember, you can masturbate a parrot.”
“I’m totally going to do a thing with power lines and tennis shoes.”
“What?”
“What does flying death look like?”
“It has pink wings.”
“It’s an orange slug with pink wings.”
“Butterfly wings.”
“And a scythe hanging out of its ass.”
“Why do you want to kill the slug?”
“Because it’s a slug, I have salt, and I’m sixteen!”
“It’s another horrible morning here in the frozen wasteland.”
“Stop! Or I’ll say stop again!”
“It starts snowing harder.”
“It’s a slug of death and it flies around at night. Why would we want to camp under it?”
“I’d say it was pretty, but I can’t see the stars.”
“Not watching the stars. Watching the birds. It’s like Alfred Hitchcock on crack.”
“PCP.”
“At least there aren’t any phone booths.”
“A piece of ice shaped remarkably like a phone booth comes crashing down.”
“I draw my sword. Does it react?”
“No. It disappears. You’re probably seeing things.”
“I should go to sleep.”
“…yeah.”
“My forefather’s deaths will not have been in vain in the Great Gazebo War of ’93!”
“The eshu joins the huddle.”
“Welcome to the huddle.”
“I’m also checking for—”
“Birds.”
“If he botches, can his leg fall off?”
“You talked to him?”
“Yes.”
*lengthy pause*
“He’s going to kill me.”
“Are you willing to die?”
“No shit, Sherlock.”
“Don’t curse here. It’s a sacred place.”
“I wish I could curse, but I’ve been mute since birth.”
“I must be hurting from that horn blast…”
“Yes, you are. You’ve fallen to the ground. You’re bleeding from the ears.”
“It should be at the back, since Naming is last and Pyretics is right before Naming.”
“Actually, the last thing is banality tables.”
“No! The banality of such a thing will destroy us and the entire Dreaming!” (We navigate through a Changeling handbook in search of pyretics)
Session 8.5
“When you can hide a bong in your mouth, then I’ll be impressed.”
“So where were we?”
“Icelings. And he was dead.”
“And decepticons attacked.”
“Oh Canada, your Mounties kick our ass!”
“It’s just murder. Everyone gets murdered.”
“Before we start the game, I have to say… freedom should be blind, not nude.”
“Godzilla is not in Canada, unless there’s something I don’t know.”
“Everything unpleasant is in Canada.”
“They attacked the guards, because they were stealing—”
“In Canada?”
“You’re standing in the middle of slaughtered icelings.”
“They look a lot like chipped ice.”
“You fall in a little space in the shards of ice. A little satyr-shaped space, actually.”
“When the fairy asked power or luck, you definitely said luck.”
“An error message pops up in front of your Will-o-Wisp…”
“I slide down.”
“That’s not even a roll!”
“That’s not even a roll! You die!”