(My POV)
I went back home with a broken heart, my life in disarray. She didn't even say good-bye. That was what hurt most. I loved her. I made love to her, but she didn't love me back apparently. I cried all the home, on the plane, in my car. By the time I reached my front door, my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I dropped my suitcase in the foyer and went straight to my room and into bed.
Let me tell you, the feeling of a broken heart is indescribable. It's like someone has ripped out your heart and crushed it wit their bare hands. The pain itself is great enough to make a grown man sob and a woman want to die. I clutched my pillow and sobbed for a love I had lost, feeling sorry for myself. Then the phone rang.
"Hello," I answered barely in a whisper.
"Hill? You ok? It's me, Kathy," the voice said.
I didn't feel much like talking but immediately she sensed something was wrong.
"I'm on my way, girl. You stay right where you are." She hung up the phone and I stayed in bed dreading the conversation that was to take place.
* * *
(Krystal's POV)
I don't know what happened. One minute I'm crying to AJ about Hill and the next minute I'm waking up in his arms naked. I knew I did something horribly wrong.
"Hello sunshine," said AJ smiling. "Have a good nap?"
I raised my body off his and wrapped the bed sheet around me. "AJ, I have to go."
"Go? Why? That was the best sex I have had in a while. Girl you know how to fuck! Besides, where are you gonna go? Back to Hill? After what we did, I don't think she would want you back. Plus, you don't need her. She isn't exactly cute and weren't you the one who said she shut you out?"
I felt trapped. AJ was right. After sleeping with him, there was no way Hill would take me back. My heart broke into a million pieces. I had asked for what AJ gave me and fucked everything up. I looked over at him and broke down. I couldn't help it. Everything was crumbling apart. He walked to me and gave me a hug.
"Hey, don't cry. I'm here for you. Like I said, if she truly loved you, she would have came along. She didn't. She shut you out and now you have me. I'll be here for you," he said in a whisper.
I couldn't talk. I couldn't say a word. I felt utterly alone at that moment. Even with AJ being there, I felt my life was now out of control. I wanted Hills back in my life but I knew I could never have her. I fucked up.
* * *
(My POV)
Kathy arrived at my house in a few minutes and I heard her run up the stairs to my room. She got into bed behind me and held me close to her as I cried.
"What happened," she asked.
I forced myself to stop crying and told her the whole story from how Krystal and I hung out, made love. About how I met AJ and Mook, and about Krystal's offer.
"She offered you to go on tour with her and you said no," she stated.
"Yeah," I replied.
"And she didn't take it very well did she," asked Kathy.
"No, she didn't," I said.
"Ok, now that I have that straight. What in hell possessed you to say no!"
"Kathy you know I can't go! I have things here that I have to do."
"Things? What things? Work? Get real, girl. You barely make enough to pay rent. You can leave that sorry job," she said in an annoyed tone.
"I can't go, Kathy. I just can't. I have friends here who need me."
"Hmmm. Friends? You have me and Tena. That's it. I can damn well take care of myself and I know Tena can too. Why are you making up excuses?! What is the deal, Hill? I know you, remember?" Kathy can be a bit of a pain in the ass when she thinks it's her right to mettle into people's business.
I didn't respond. Instead, I got up and went to the bathroom to wash my face. I glanced in the mirror and saw a hollow soul look back. Kathy walked in behind me and stared at our reflection.
"Hill, you have to let go. You love her. She loves you. Don't be so stubborn," she said gently.
"I'm not being stubborn. It's just hard. I love her deeply. More than you will ever know but what happens when I go on tour with her. I'm not beautiful, Kathy. I'm a big girl, you know that. What will the fans think of me, of the relationship Krystal and I have? I don't want to be anyone's secret. I can't live that way. She hasn't thought about that. I wouldn't fit into her world," I explained trying to hold back a fresh batch of tears.
Kathy turned me around and held my face in her hands.
"You are one of the most beautiful persons I know. YOU have no idea, do you? Why do you think I won't date you? The love you give is utterly amazing. I can't handle that, but Krystal can. Give her a chance, Hill. You have to let people inside you and not be afraid of the consequences."
I left the bathroom and returned to my bed. Kathy followed.
"Hill, I have a question. And give me an honest answer," she said.
"Ok." I nodded my head and listened to her.
"I know how you are about sex. It's the same thing with you in everything you do. You give without taking. How did you feel when you and Krystal made love?"
I gave her a look. I really didn't understand what she was getting at.
"When she touched you, Hill. When she kissed you, how did it feel. You said you made love *with* her. How was it?"
I turned my head knowing what she meant by the question. I felt guilty then and she read my thoughts.
"You didn't let her, did you? You didn't even let her try! You can't do that, Hill, and expect the girl not to think that you don't want her in your life. You have to let her in. You have to give yourself to her, all of you. Your heart is one thing but in order for your love to survive, your soul and ultimately your body must be given as well."
"She wasn't ready yet," I defended.
"She wasn't ready? Tell me how she wasn't ready? She invites you to L.A. She has you share a room with her. She initiates the sex for Christ's sakes and you say she wasn't ready! You are really a trip! I say you aren't ready. You need to let go of your fears, Hill. You need to let all those things you harbor from past relationships go. I think you and Krystal are made for each other but you have to make the next move now. She is waiting for you."
Everything Kathy said made sense. She was right. I was the one who wasn't giving this new relationship my all. I was scared shitless! This was a whole new territory for me and I was fucking it up royally. I looked at Kathy and smiled. This was truly a good friend.
"Ok. So what do I do now," I asked.
"Well, see if she calls you. If you don't hear from her in say a week, call her. Maybe by then she would have thought about what has happened. In the meantime, I suggest you do some major soul searching of your own and see what happens."
"Ok. Thanks, Kathy. I owe you big time."
"Yeah well, get back with Krystal and we will call it even. Now, I'm starved. Emotional turmoil does wonders for the appetite." We both laughed and walked downstairs to make something eat.
