(in medias reis)
...until Theresa couldn’t stand it anymore and finally asked what she’d been thinking all day.
“Who are you two?”
Martine and Jack just looked at each other and finally both nodded as she began to talk.
“My name is Martine Madrae and he is Jack Dandy. We told you our names and you just assumed that we were like you. That’s good. We needed to be able to exist here without anyone noticing any difference. No one, including yourself, did.”
Theresa took another swallow of beer. “What do you mean, are you guys like, FBI agents or something?”
“Not hardly. We come from a different place all together. Think of it this way, in what we were just talking about thought versus energy and matter. If you think of something, than it exists for you as thought. Suppose you had enough energy to concentrate on that thought and suppose there was a place where powerful thoughts moved from being energy into being matter.”
Jack put his bottle on the table and took over. “Thoughts and dreams are energy, right? And energy doesn’t just vanish into thin air, that’s against the physical laws. If enough energy is invested in something then it becomes matter, it becomes real, although in a place which cannot normally be perceived. Call it a ‘dream world’.”
“And...” Theresa said, lifting an eyebrow and feeling the alcohol pump through her system. This was the point of drunk she used to stop at, if only for logic’s sake; a six pack of drinks, two for her, two for Lydia, and two for Tim. Then she and Lydia would get giggly and it would be lots of fun, and Tim would pretend they were smashed out of their minds and comment on how no one in the other room could hold their liquor. No, wait, don’t think about that, that time is gone, don’t remember the fun, don’t remember the joy for life, just think about something else, that time is gone.
“And let’s cut to the chase, ok?” Martine answered, got up off the couch to sit right next to Theresa. “I am you. Rather, I am your reflection in the Dream World. I am the best things about you, what you dream about at night, what you dream about during the day at work, or in the car. I am you perfected and given lease to live in a world undefined by contemporary law. Do you understand?”
“I understand that you’re a lot more drunk than I gave you credit for,” she said, trying not to snicker.
Jack laughed at that and shook his head. “She’s right, you know. Look, you see me like you’d see any other guy my age, right? But now look at me and see for how I really am.”
The rush hit Theresa’s head and her eyes couldn’t focus. It was the same sensation as when they’d ‘convinced’ the man at Dunkin’ Donuts to give them a mixed coffee. And then there was Jack Dandy sitting on the floor beside her, dressed in fine Medieval Celtic garb and wearing a hefty dagger at his belt. The colors were browns and tans, which faded back into his street clothes after a moment.
“W-who are you?”
“I am Jack Dandy, my lover is Martine Madrae. When there’s fog I run the moors with my dire dog Gower and climb the low mountains of Fyn’garwyn.”
Martine put a hand on Theresa’s knee. “Imagine that if you dreamed hard enough, if you wished long enough, your reflection in the mirror would become strong enough to reach back to you. That’s why I’m here. I am you, but I am also me, my personality and mind are separate from you. In a way, I’m your daughter.”
The dynamic had changed too rapidly for her. That morning they had just been people in the train station, then people who she hung out with, and finally, Theresa had begun to think of them as potential friends. She hadn’t opened up to anyone like that since the losing of Lydia and Tim, and in fact, her wall was still up because she didn’t want to force these new people to hate her. Still, with the thick incense and the alcohol, what they were saying didn’t sound so impossible after all. Hadn’t she been waiting all her life to find out that there was something special out there?
Twisting the top off another Red Wolf, she tossed it into her jar full of bottlecaps and took a long swig of the sweet/bitter elixir.
“So, what brings interdimensional travelers to my humble apartment?” The grin was wan, as if it were all some kind of joke.
And Martine answered, or at least, Theresa thought she did, but the drunkenness had set in deep, so there was a lot of talking, but very little was remembered. At some base clarity was her new friend saying they’d talk about it again in the morning and maybe it was time to rest; they looked drunk too. The pleasure of the release of inebriation was wearing off when she rolled over in bed and found Jack sitting beside her.
It was dark in her room and he was just a silhouette in the all black/gray of her night vision. Theresa sat up and swayed, but the intoxication was ebbing slowly away.
“Did I wake you up?”
“No, I don’t think so.” In her head was to ask why he was there, but then she found she didn’t want to.
Jack leaned forward and kissed her forehead. Theresa shivered. It was so good to feel a warm, soft person and their skin against her’s. His smell was beautiful, like something exotic and far-off that maybe you remember, but probably you only dreamed. Her hands found his face and this time she leaned in and tasted his mouth. Sandalwood and cream. They both just breathed for a moment.
“Why are you here? You’re Martine’s guy and I’m a lesbian.”
He shifted so he was lying next to her. “I’m her lover, this is true. Remember that we come from the world of endless possibilities, so why would she care? And think, aren’t I what you always wanted but never wished for because you knew you could never have? Those handsome boys who scorned you so you identified with them rather than face their rejection. I’m attractive and I want you...no, that’s not right, I want to show you what can be. Love who you want, be what you want, all I’m offering is the fantasy you fatalistically gave up on in elementary school.”
There was silence because she was speechless. Jack found her hands and held them in his.
“Isn’t that why you think you hate men? You tell yourself it’s because you’re jealous of them and wish you were a man so then women would want you. But, isn’t it really that you’re hurt and scared, so afraid to appear sexual to a man because you assumed he wouldn’t want you and would laugh?”
“Yes.”
He sighed softly and released her hands, turning on his side to touch her face. “Then take me and let it mean nothing. This is your chance to see what you’ve always wondered. There’s no peer pressure, no one who will know besides you and I and Martine. I am a different sort of matter and I can’t get you pregnant or give you a disease, inhibitions are gone and the world can’t see you to crucify you for your desires. Because yes, I know that too. Want me, it’s no crime, and I’m yours to take.”
Shaking like a child, she curled up against him as he wrapped his arms around her.
“So who’s reflection are you?”
“I want to tell you but you might cry.”
“I won’t.” Oh God, to be this close to living, breathing warmth! It was like drowning in bottomless, dark water and letting go of everything else.
“In New Hampshire there’s a boy who just turned 21 last month. I don’t know his name. He’s always been severely retarded but in the last few years he’s been wheelchair bound as he can’t even feed himself. They all think he’s a vegetable, but they’re wrong. He can still think in a dream-state sort of way, and he watches television all the time because the day nurse leaves it on, she tells herself he likes it, which he does. I am what he is in his dreams. I am him liberated from the flesh.”
“Does he know about you?”
“No. But maybe tonight he’ll dream something pleasant, as I feel your heart he might smile absently in his sleep. That pleases me.”
Theresa became aware that he was only wearing his white tee and flannel boxers. She slid a tentative hand over his chest, trying to think what happened next, what always happened in movies. Should she ‘take care of him’ as one friend delicately put it? Could she stomach it? Did he expect her to? That was the old joke, ‘Lydia, teach me how’. She wasn’t Dylan though, and Lydia was long gone and probably wouldn’t have much to say even if she were in touch to ask.
No! Her mind went quiet. This is not about Lydia, not about Tim. This is not about homosexuality or how I feel about men. For once, for just once this is all about me. Lydia’s not here to give an opinion, she hasn’t been here for months, not since last August, she’ll never know about this because it’s my decision and my life. I want him, I won’t get in trouble. If he’s serious about wanting me too then he won’t care if I don’t know what to do. No one can see me now and I’m not going to be held accountable.
Now Theresa turned over, fully facing Jack. His hands were rubbing her shoulders and she wanted to melt. It was the scent that was the most powerful, the simple scent of another person’s skin and the closeness required to smell it. Surprisingly, she wasn’t afraid or ashamed. Here was a beautiful man who was looking at her nearly naked (she was sleeping in only a long tee that night) and wasn’t repulsed. He accepted her and she found that made everything so simple.
There was a definite rhythm to it; she’d just assumed that was made up for TV. But there was a sensual currant to their movements and when her hands lowered his boxers, his pulled off her underwear. There was power behind Jack, raw, untapped power in his muscles, she could feel it even though his touch was gentle. And then, when it came down to it, she didn’t know what she’d been afraid of for so long, because it wasn’t like it was in the movies, it was different and magical for just her. Then, they talked for a while.
“There’s something inside you, I can feel it. What happened that you sometimes just go quiet and think?”
“It’s stupid, you don’t want to know,” she answered.
“No, I do. That’s part of why we’re here.”
“And why is that again? I think I zoned out before.”
Jack put his hands behind his head and stretched out. “When the energy that creates us becomes strong enough we gain the ability to cross back over. When the person who spawned us dies we live on in our world. However, you’re starting to fade into bleakness, if that’s a word, but sometimes you seem to lose touch with your world and perceive the Whole.”
“The Akashic Record?”
“Another name for it, yes. If you lost yourself in there, your body would live but your mind would be absorbed. You wouldn’t dream anymore. Martine would continue to exist but she took interest in you, in seeing who you were and what you feel. So why are you so sad?”
Theresa sighed. “Old blood. I had a best friend once, she was so kind to me but I never really took the time to appreciate that. Cared about me, worried for me, all that stuff. I was in love with her once, but that ended years ago. So she finds a mate, and he and I become friends, but there are some rocky parts. I got really depressed around the time that everything was going wrong for her.
“I was so blind. I kept expecting that she’d always be there to take care of me and all my meaningless issues, but I didn’t realize what it was doing to her. Of course, I told myself that I was a good friend and that it was her fault for not confiding in me or trusting in me, but why would she have? The best thing I could have done was to back off, be there for her by just being me and being happy.”
“But that’s not what happened?”
“No. After we fought, they ended up moving out of state a few months later. I thought, maybe she’ll forgive me and at least we can be just be friends with no emotional crap, no issues, just simple fun and friends, you know? But then, she had been pretty angry, and with good cause, so I got scared and with the exception of a few e-mails, backed off.”
“And?”
“And they were gone. I could have told her about me seeing a therapist and finally agreeing to go on an antidepressant. I could have told her about how my parents came to visit a week later and saw my apartment and I cried when my mother told me she was proud of me and still loved me. And...and I could have told her about that night, drunk and sitting in the dark with the incense burning, when I felt like I was falling, but all it was, was the giddy freedom and hope from finally letting go of all the madness and pain I’d been dragging around.
“I could have told her, and now, maybe I wish I had. But, her life is hers and mine is mine. Why should she care if I’ve come to terms with my issues? Connection with another life through love, friendship, family, even casual knowledge, all of that is a gift given to another human being. Why give a gift to someone who you think will take it for granted?”
“Do you?”
“Not anymore. I had this dream a few weeks ago. I dreamt I was driving on the Blue Route, but it went across the country and I was in the midwest, like Montana or something. I had my son in his carseat next to me, his name was Max, but in the dream I had no husband or female partner, so I don’t know where the kid came from. He said he was hungry so we pulled off and stopped in this small town where there was a diner.
“Right next to the diner were all these stores, like downtown Media, and Max ran into one because they had a candy display in the window. I ran in after him and the place was filled with crystals and bottles, and great stuff like that. Then, I caught Max and picked him up and as I did, the woman behind the counter turned around and I saw it was my old friend. She saw me but as I was about to say hello, my alarm went off and I woke up. I’ll never know if she’d have yelled at me to leave or come out from behind the counter and hugged me.”
Jack put an arm around Theresa. “It sounds like you wouldn’t have anything to fight about anymore.”
“I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter, does it? They’re far away in Nevada, maybe I’ll see them again, one day.”
“What’s it like in Nevada, it’s cold here in PA, you can’t catch a Philly sunset, you can’t see it from Mt. Payne,” he sang softly.
“That’s it, exactly, how I felt about it! You know so much about my world.”
“All I know is what everyone thinks about and dreams, no more. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t know the capital of Wisconsin.”
“Neither do I, I just know the Green Bay Packers are from there.”
Theresa laughed quietly and closed her eyes for a moment, only to open them again in the morning, with Jack sleeping peacefully next to her...
(ex opus)
