~~~Chapter 4~~~
The cell phone rang,
startling them as they lay on the couch.
A movie was playing but none of them were watching. It was totally forgotten about as they stared
at the instrument lying on her coffee table.
Another loud trill danced in the air.
Buffy froze, scared of who it might be. And worst of all of who she wanted it to be.
“It’s Xander’s house,”
“What if it’s Mr. Harris?”
Buffy asked, delaying the moment so she could register the disappointment that
it wasn’t someone else and curtail the nervousness of what she’d set into
motion earlier.
“You’ll hang up,” Spike
said, opening the phone so Buffy didn’t have a choice. “Take it,” he mouthed, handing it to her.
“Hello,” Buffy answered,
turning away from her friends. The whole
situation was taking on a surreal aspect which was leaving her unsure. She wanted it to be Angel calling her, not
Xander, not a pretend relationship for her friends. Closing her eyes, and calling on whoever
would listen, she asked for strength.
“Hello,” she questioned when there wasn’t a reply to her first inquiry.
“Buffy?”
“Hey Xander.”
“You…you,” he cleared his
throat before giving a nervous chuckle.
“You told my father that you wanted me to call…to set up a study date?”
“Hey, I can’t help it you’re
a stud muffin.” Buffy tried to project
as much sarcastic teasing into the words as possible
“Yeah whatever,” Xander’s
voice came through as much more relaxed.
“Seriously, what’s up?”
“Free to speak?”
“It would be great to see
you,” Xander said.
Buffy sighed. Mr. Harris had to be hovering to make sure
his son went through with setting up the date.
“Are you free after dinner? I could come over and we could study.”
“Tell her you want to go over
some French lessons,” Mr. Harris said in the background. “Go on…”
“Dad stop, please, she wants
to come over after dinner.”
“Don’t make her wait…tell
her to come on.”
“I heard Xan,” Buffy
said. “I’ll be there around seven. We’ll talk.
Unless he wants to watch us make out or something.”
“Don’t need any help with
that, Buffy. I’ll see you later.”
With that Xander hung up. She stared down at her phone for a moment
before clicking it shut. This whole day
wasn’t surreal, it was down right weird.
“You okay, lamb?” Spike
asked, slipping his arms around her from behind. He buried his face in her shoulder. “I’m sorry you got in the middle of this. You don’t have to do this, you know? I’ll understand.”
“No,” Buffy declared,
turning in his arms so she could see him.
There was so much confusion in his eyes that it hurt. “I want to do this. You’re my friend, so is Xander, and I want you
two to be happy.”
Spike’s hands slid to her
shoulders. “Promise me something?”
“What?”
“If at any point you’re
scared, get the hell out of there,” Spike said.
“Scream, kick, do what you have to do, but get out.”
Buffy laughed. “You sound like my mother before I go on a
date. I’ll be fine. Xander may take his
father’s crap, but I believe in him enough to know that he wouldn’t let his
father do anything to me. Okay?”
“Yeah,” Spike said, shaking
his head. “I know. It’s just everything
has changed.”
“Maybe everything’s changed,
but it will be for the better,” Willow continued. “It’s us, so it’s got to turn out all right.”
“Our optimist,” Buffy
said. She leaned further into their
embrace, not wanting them to read anything on her face. She didn’t believe in happy endings. Not anymore.
She hoped for the best for Spike and Xander, but it wouldn’t come
easily. Real love didn’t. Knowing that maybe they would be the only
ones who would ever understand, Buffy didn’t stop the sob that came from deep
within her.
~~~~~
The doorbell rang. It broke through the tangled, angry, hurt
emotions that hung thick in the living room.
Xander was scared. His father was
involved with another fantasy of his own making. Like the job that would solve all their
problems, the promises to stop drinking, and the lies he told to his mother to
keep her under his foot. Xander never
believed any of them, but his father did or wanted to believe them so when they
went bust as always, it was Xander or his mother who paid for reality bursting
the elusive bubble.
Once his father realized
that Buffy and his son weren’t really a couple or even a potential couple then
there would be bruises. He didn’t
understand why Buffy had started this whole thing in motion. She should have known better, but then again
she never lived in constant fear like he did.
“Go get her, tiger,” his
father said, with a grin and a light punch to Xander’s upper arm. “She’s waiting for you.” Mr. Harris grabbed
the gin bottle and his glass, swayed on his feet before stumbling from the
room. “You have a good time,” he added
with a wink. Then he was gone. Or at least no longer in sight.
Xander wiped his hands on
his jeans, pushed his hair off his face as he made his way to the door. The bell rang again. “All right, all right,” he mumbled, and
yanked the door open. “Hey Buffy.”
Damn she was a beautiful
girl. Her blonde hair tumbled around her
shoulders in waves framing the flawless perfection of her face. A knot formed in his stomach as he wondered
why he just couldn’t be straight. Maybe
his father was right and he just needed to try.
This was his chance, but then blue eyes replaced green, and he knew he
never could. He loved Spike.
Always had and always would.
“You going to invite me in?”
“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” Xander
said, stepping back. He waved a hand
toward the living room. “Do you want
something to drink…maybe some pie? My
mom made some for dessert.”
“No, I’m fine,” Buffy
said. Taking a step closer to him, she
mouthed the question, “Is your dad around?”
He nodded, biting his
lip. “Come in.” He rocked back on his heels, shoving his
hands into his back pockets. “Thank you
for bringing my homework to me.”
“It wasn’t a problem.” Buffy strode into his home with her chin
up. Xander smiled. She was scared, too. He wasn’t alone. After putting her books on the coffee table,
she took a seat on the sofa. “Come sit,
Xander.” A perfectly manicured hand
patted the seat next to her.
Hating the deception,
wishing this was real, wishing it was Spike, wishing he was dead, Xander
sat. He stiffened when Buffy snuggled
into his side.
“Now which subject did you
need help in?” Buffy asked, laying a
hand on this thigh.
He was going to be
sick. He wanted to push her away, when
she bit his ear before whispering, “Your father is in the hallway. Relax.
I won’t bite again.” She patted
his leg. “Talk to me.”
“Uh, it’s um, fren…math,”
Xander stuttered. This whole situation
was a nightmare. If only he could be the
son his father wanted, maybe his life would be different. “Yeah, it’s algebra.”
“Great,” Buffy muttered,
leaning forward to grab the book. “You
had to pick the one subject I really suck at.”
A vision of Buffy sucking
him off crossed Xander’s mind. His dick stirred as a yearning tightened in
him. No, not this, not now, he wanted to
cry. Men didn’t cry. Rage flooded him at the injustice of his
life. For a second he wanted to grab
Buffy by the hair to force her to give him what he was fantasizing about. No, he wouldn’t be like his father. God, he couldn’t. Oh yeah, God didn’t exist. He was all alone. It seemed he might be the same kind of
bastard his father was, and he stood.
“You need to go,” Xander
demanded. He danced in the same
spot. Why was everything so confusing?
Buffy stood. She cared.
It was only because she didn’t know what he was thinking. Her arms wrapped around him, rocking them
like they were dancing. Her body
trembled. He pulled her closer, burying
his face in her neck.
“I love you, Xander,” Buffy
said. “I need you in my life just like I
need Spike.”
“You don’t know what I was
thinking…I’m not who you think I am.” He
wanted her to go away. She shouldn’t be
walking in his hell.
“You know sometimes I get so
lonely I wish that you or Spike would make a move on me,” Buffy whispered. “I wish I wasn’t a virgin. This whole growing up business is just messed
up, Xander. Let me do this for you.”
“Do what?” He was confused. Did she want him to make a move? No, she couldn’t want him to take her
virginity. No, she wouldn’t.
Giggling, she pulled back so
she could look up at him. “Let me help
you and Spike.” He could barely hear the
end of the sentence, her voice was so slow.
“I understand the rules of the game.”
“I don’t want to hurt
you. This is going to get all muddled
up.”
“Maybe, but…”
“No,” Xander said. “I can’t let you do this. This is my problem and it’s not a game.” Nothing was a game where his father was
concerned.
“Xander, please…”
“Leave…go.” She didn’t
move. “Get the hell out of here. I don’t need your help.”
Her face went pale. He’d hurt her. A lot.
He reached for her hand, but she was already running for the door. Everything was fucked up. He was a fuck up. The slamming of the door vibrated through the
house like a death knoll. It took only a
second for his father to show up at the door.
Maybe tonight it would finally be over.
~~~~~~
A tapping at the French
doors sent
“I’ve been waiting for you
to call,”
“It’s not that,” Buffy said,
crumpling on the bed. “I failed. Xander told me to go away.”
“Oh, I don’t think it was
you,”
“He flat out rejected
me. I’m ugly, aren’t I?”
“Stop it,” Buffy
sniffled. “It’s not funny. If I’m as beautiful as everyone keeps saying
why won’t Angel look at me twice?” She flung her arms out. “Now even Xander rejects me. I should look into Convents.”
“Xander is gay. So he doesn’t count.”
“Whatever. Spike is gay, too, and he always makes me
feel pretty. It’s me.”
Buffy flopped with her usual
dramatic flair onto her back. She stared
up at the ceiling. After a second she
snapped her fingers before sitting back up.
“I know what I can do.” She
jumped to her feet. “You can help me.”
“Help you do what?”
“I’m going to give myself a
makeover,” Buffy announced. She ran her
hand through the air from her head to her feet, ending up in a low bow, before
popping back up with a grin. “Angel
doesn’t want to deal with a virgin so I’m going to let him see that I know the
score.”
“No, you’re not,”
“Well it can’t hurt.”
“It can,”
Buffy giggled. She threw her arms around
“Oh lord, we’re in trouble.”
~~~~~~
The house was quiet. Most of the lights were off. Only a few were still shining brightly, one
or two upstairs and the one in the cellar.
Spike grinned, dropping to a squat before duck walking between the big
oak tree and the window low to the ground.
He congratulated himself on being so sneaky that he figured out a way to
use Mr. Harris’ stupid idea so that he and Xander could be together.
Giving one last look around,
he laid down to peek in the window.
Xander was sitting on the sofa, watching some ancient television
set. He looked relaxed. Must mean that Daddy had gone to bed or at
least upstairs to leave Xander in some much needed privacy. Without knocking, Spike shimmied through the
window to drop into the sink. Using the
edge as a springboard, he landed on his feet.
“Hello,” Spike said. Faced with all of his desires and hopes, he
was suddenly nervous. More than nervous,
he was scared to death. He knew what
happened between Buffy and Xander. He
tried to reassure himself that Xander loved him so much he couldn’t bear to
pretend to care about someone else. Now,
he wasn’t so sure of anything except the yearning that screamed inside of him.
Xander’s mouth gaped open as
he stood. He looked nervously up the
stairs before pressing a finger to his lips.
“What are you doing here?” Xander
asked in a whispered rush.
“Here to see you,” Spike
hurriedly took the two or three steps it would take to be in Xander’s
arms. He met his friend with a huge hug.
Xander didn’t hold him in
return. For a moment it seemed like he
would, but he stiffened. “Don’t Spike.”
“What do you mean? Your Da doesn’t know I’m here.” He pressed a
kiss to Xander’s jaw. “We can still see
each other. We just have to be sneaky about it.”
“No, we can’t,” Xander said,
stepping back. He pushed back his hair
as he stared at some spot behind Spike.
“Look,” he swallowed, “this was a mistake. I don’t want to see you…not like that.”
“If you mean it then look at
me when you tell me.”
Wanting to pinch himself,
Spike stared at Xander in disbelief.
This couldn’t be happening.
“Spike, my Dad was upset about
me telling Buffy to leave.”
“Did he hurt you again?”
Spike growled. He reached for Xander to
check for bruises, but his hand was pushed away.
“No,” Xander chuckled, but
it came out as more of a moan. “Not
tonight. Guess I drew a lucky card,
but…but I just can’t do this…you.”
“You don’t have to do this,”
Spike said, relieved Xander wasn’t carrying any new bruises. “Not by yourself. We’ll do it together. I’ll take care of you.” Before he could be stopped Spike kissed
Xander, holding the other boy tight as he put all of his need into the pressure
of his lips. If only Xander would give
one gesture of returning this kiss then Spike would walk through fire to keep
them together. He didn’t though. “Don’t do this, Xan, please?”
For a moment Xander laid his
forehead against Spike’s and he could have sworn that he felt a weakening, but
it wasn’t to be.
“I have to. This is all wrong. I’m wrong,” Xander pleaded. Yet there weren’t any tears to back any
regret in the words. He looked Spike in
the eye. “I don’t want you. It was a sick idea from a couple of stupid
kids with nothing better to do.” Giving
a nervous laugh, Xander looked away.
“No, it wasn’t,” Spike spat
out. “This is you and me…”
“Stop it,” Xander said. “Can you tell me you even thought about this
two days ago?” He paused. “I didn’t think so. Now get back to your life and leave me to
mine.”
“Not even going to be
friends?”
“Nope.”
Fury raced through Spike. He pushed hard against Xander’s
shoulders. “You bloody arse…how could
you do this to me? Yeah, I never thought
about this two days ago. Now you’ve come
and twisted everything. Can’t even be
friends?” He raised his hands to run through his hair, but he froze when he saw
Xander flinch. Son of a bitch. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping the tears
would vanish. No such luck. “We could have done this.”
Without waiting for a reply,
Spike left, climbing back out the window and wishing he could have done it with
a little dignity. Nothing about this day
was right. He fished around for his
cigarettes, lighting one before he started his car. It was time to tie one on so he headed for
his favorite bar.
