Chapter 10
Nothing was calming him down. Spike shifted in the big easy chair in Buffy's living room. Everyone else was chilling out watching MTV and filling up on sodas and chips, but he couldn't bring himself to join them. Instead, Xander's words of being able to defend himself kept replaying in his mind. Defending his friends was natural to Spike. It didn't mean he thought Xander was incapable. Then he sighed. That wasn't true because he didn't think Xander was capable. If he was, wouldn't he have punched his dad's lights out a long time ago?
"You got any hot chocolate?" Spike asked, trying to stop thinking about things he couldn’t change. When he was younger, his mother would make him hot chocolate when the world was being cruel. At seventeen, the beverage was still his ultimate comfort food. He stood before getting an answer. If he knew Mrs. Summers, there was some in the kitchen.
"Yeah, in the pantry," Buffy replied, without even looking up.
"Thanks," Spike said, already heading for the kitchen.
Everything he needed was easy to find. He was lost in watching the mug turn in circles inside the microwave when he heard someone walk into the kitchen. It wasn't hard to figure out who it was, but he looked over his shoulder anyway. Unsure of where he stood with his friend, he waited for Xander to say something first. Spike turned back to the microwave.
"What's up?" Spike asked, when it was apparent that Xander wasn't going to say anything.
"Hey, I just wanted to say I was sorry again for what I said."
"It's not a big deal." Shrugging his shoulders, he didn't even turn around. Spike didn't think Xander was really sorry. Xander was probably more scared that Spike would give up on him. Which meant Xander would be really alone. It's not what Xander wanted despite what he said about being able to take care of himself.
"Come on, Spike, don't be mad at me," Xander said.
The pleading in Xander's voice hurt. Spike hung his head as he realized the truth. He could never reject Xander. Somewhere in all this mess, he had made a commitment to see it through.
"Please," Xander whispered.
Lost in his own surprising comprehension of their relationship, the unexpected hand on his shoulder startled him. He spun, unintentionally pushing Xander back. Xander tried to hide it this time, but Spike could still see the flinch on Xander's face. Rage at the unfairness of their lives swelled up inside of him. Balling up his fists, Spike turned away.
"Damn it, man, I wouldn't hurt you." Needing to relieve some of overwhelming frustration, he pounded on the counter. "I hate this. All of this shit. I don't know how to act around you anymore."
"Why don't you just leave?"
"Because I love you," Spike yelled, turning to face Xander. The words hung between them. He felt staggered under the weight of his words. From the astonishment on Xander's face, the feeling was mutual. He wished they were alone. Except they weren't. Even as he finished he heard the girls running toward the kitchen to see what was up. "Go away." Silence. "Buffy – Red, go."
"Fine," Buffy said, and then there was the sound of them stomping away. Well, Buffy anyway. Willow probably just slipped away. It didn't matter how, just that they were gone.
Spike ran a hand through his hair before daring to look up into Xander's eyes. "Say something, because I'm feeling a bit out in the cold at the moment."
The microwave beeped in the silence.
"Your milk is ready," Xander said, with a nervous chuckle.
"I don't care," Spike spat. He stuck a finger in Xander's face. "You started all of this. You changed my life and now I tell you things…acting like some girl and you make jokes. "
Xander took a step back, wiping a hand over his face. Why couldn't he say something? Spike would take anything by this time. Something to calm the storm raging inside of him. Maybe Xander didn't feel the same. He pulled the mug from the microwave, staring down at the hot chocolate he thought would comfort him. It was a joke. Just like everything else. Unable to take it anymore, Spike hurled the mug across the kitchen. Even thought he hadn't thrown it in Xander's direction, his friend covered his face with his hands.
"Damn it, it's me. Not your father."
Spike didn't know if Xander even could tell by this time. Xander wrapped his arms around himself, sliding to the floor as a sob finally broke the silence. The distance between them grew wider as Xander hid his face in the crook of his arms.
"Stop it," Spike dropped to his knees. He tried to pull Xander's arms apart. It didn't work. Xander wouldn't budge. "You're not being fair. I'm bloody pissed off. Why won't you fight me?"
"Because I’m a fucking coward."
"Damn it, Xander, I'm not going to hurt you." No response. He didn't want Xander to be afraid of him, but his friend was making him feel like a bully. Spike stroked Xander's hair hoping somehow that Xander would respond. "You do know that, don't you?"
"I know. I’m sorry."
It was pathetic. Spike couldn't help it. He laughed at the absurdity of the whole situation. His anger was gone just as quickly as it had arrived. Xander really did believe the worst of himself. His father had beaten any self-esteem right out of Xander. It wasn't that he wasn't capable of fighting back. He didn't believe he was good enough to tell people when to fuck off or to raise his fists in his own defense. Spike felt his heart break. Spreading his thighs, he scooted closer until Xander was between them. "Quit saying you're sorry. Not to me."
"I'm afraid that one day you won't want to put up with me anymore," Xander mumbled. "Even you know what a loser I am."
"You're not," Spike said. "Not to me."
"You'll get tired of me."
"Come here, pet," Spike said, cupping Xander's face. "Look at me. I've already said it…I love you. I’m not taking it back."
"You sure," Xander's eyes were filled with so much hope.
"Yeah."
Xander ran his fingers along Spike's jaw sending shivers down Spike's back. It felt good. Honest. And very real. He smiled, leaning forward, hoping that Xander wouldn't back away this time. Send him packing. Relief flooded him when Xander didn't. Their lips met for the first time in a mutual want. They both froze, laughed, but after a meeting of eyes with consent from both, they met in the middle.
It was amazing. Of all the times that Spike had kissed a girl, it never felt like this. Hot. Cold. Safe. Dangerous. The beginning and end of his world. Like free falling through the universe. Spike deepened the kiss, letting his tongue explore the inside of Xander's mouth. Thoughts ran through his mind telling him this was weird. He was a freak for kissing a guy. For being so damn turned on by his best friend. His cock was hard just from kissing. He tried to tell himself that it was just teenage horniness, but that was a lie. His heart told him something different.
As he slipped his hand behind Xander's head to hold him still, he realized his problem was that he thought too damn much. He tangled his tongue around Xander's, playing, teasing with him. Only when he felt Xander withdraw, stop playing, did he remember that Xander was a virgin. And one with not that much experience. He tried to pull back but Xander pressed his lips to his again.
Smiling in spite of himself, Spike returned to kissing his friend. Letting the pleasure sweep through his body. There was a sound in the distance, somewhere outside his conscious, a thud. He ignored it. A short while before he couldn't have believed he could ever feel this good. He was lost in the timid touch of Xander's caresses, and the mouth kissing him with raw passion. Spike cursed his stupidity when the back door opened and Buffy's mother walked in.
"Shit," Spike muttered, as he untangled himself and pushed himself to his feet. He reached down, cradling Xander's elbow as he helped his friend to his feet. They stood there. Waiting for something to happen. Maybe for the world to explode in their faces, but it seemed that neither could move. All they could do was stand there.
Mrs. Summers was staring at them, openmouthed, sweeping from one to the other and from head to toe. It was the last sweep that made Spike utter another curse. He pulled his t-shirt from his waistband, pushing it down to cover his erection, needing some sort of protection even if it was only for his pride. Everything was in the open. A parent knew and it scared him to death.
"Go Xander," Spike muttered. Xander was shaking, blushing and it was obvious he was terrified that his father would find out. "Go in the living room. I'll talk to her."
"Told you that I don't need your help," Xander said, but his voice cracked.
"It's okay, boys," Mrs. Summers said. She stepped further in the room, putting grocery bags on the island. Rubbing her forehead first, it took her a moment to face them again. "I've suspected for a long time."
"Mom. Oh my god. Mom, you're home," Buffy squeaked from the archway leading into the dining room.
"Mrs. Summers.
You're early,"
"We were just playing a game," Buffy said. She waved her hands. "You know truth or dare…the guys were…"
"Calm down," Mrs. Summers said, holding her hand up. She took a deep breath. "It's okay. You don't have to explain. I'm not going to 'freak out' as you would say."
"Are you going to tell my dad?"
"No! God no! I would never do that."
The concern on her face showed she was telling the truth. Spike watched as she went to Xander.
"You're safe here," Mrs. Summers said, cupping Xander's face so that he would look at her.
Spike wanted to call her a hypocrite, but he wouldn't. Not when Xander needed to believe in her promise so much. He leaned back against the counter, wishing for a cigarette, and wishing he was somewhere besides there. Somewhere besides stuck in the life they were living. Reality was crashing back like a thundering herd against the soft dirt of the prairie. They were in trouble. They were only kids living in a world that was against them.
"Buffy, why don't you take your friends back in the living room," Mrs. Summers said.
Buffy only nodded. She didn't wait for them to follow her. They were dismissed. Xander glanced at Spike, but didn't stay, he hurried after the girls. Obviously relieved in his belief that Mrs. Summers was on their side. Spike wished he could believe. He took a step to follow his friends, but then felt a hand on his arm.
"Stay."
"Why? So you can tell me that you understand?" Spike tried never to be disrespectful to Buffy's mother. Most of the time she was cool with them and her house was one place besides his own the four friends could be comfortable. Except this was the first time, they had ever allowed Mrs. Summers so far into their lives before.
"Maybe I do understand."
Needing something to do, Spike grabbed some paper towels so he could clean up his mess. He told himself that it had nothing to do with still respecting Mrs. Summers, and definitely nothing to do with the tiny spark of hope that she wouldn't betray them. While he was cleaning, he saw Mrs. Summers putting the groceries away. It was as if she was waiting. Waiting for him to reply to her statement. He couldn't tell her that he trusted her, because he wasn't sure he did. In the end, he asked the question that was most important to him.
"Why haven't you ever tried to help Xander?"
Her hand, holding a can of peaches, froze halfway to the cabinet. She bowed her head as she put the can down on the counter. Without a glance at him, she sat on one of the stools at the island. Spike was surprised to see that she was trembling and had tears in her eyes.
"What makes you think that I haven't tried?" She asked, looking up at him.
"Because he's still living with the bastard," Spike said, dropping the towels and broken ceramic into the trash.
She laughed. Not a big happy laugh of joy, but one brought about by disillusionment. Her hand wiped at her cheek taking a trail of tears away.
"I called social services. A couple of times. They took the report, went to Xander's house, and left without Xander."
"Why? I don't understand," Spike said, sitting next to Mrs. Summers. He was surprised when she took his hand.
"He's terrorized them so much that neither will say anything against him to the authorities. Especially with him standing there."
"Fuck."
"Spike, you need to understand that Sunnydale is a small town. There are no secrets here." She paused. "After the second call I made, Mr. Harris called here."
"He threatened you! That fucking wanker."
"Watch your language," Mrs. Summers said, but she was laughing. She patted his hand as she became serious again. "I'm a single woman with a daughter living alone in this big house. Your mother is single, too. All I could do, all we could do, was give Xander a safe place to hang out. To support the friendship between you four as much as we could. It's not enough, but it's all that we could do, and now keep your secret. I promise you that I would never let Mr. Harris know what I saw today."
Tears were choking him so Spike could only squeeze her hand in return. "I believe you. Thank you."
Maybe they weren't so alone. He covered his face with his free hand as he let his emotions go. It was crazy. He was relieved that Buffy's mom, and even his mother, was on their side. That maybe they weren't so blind to their troubles. Yet this didn't reassure him any. Their hands were just as tied as his were and his friends were caught in the whole mess.
Life really was a bitch.
