Chapter 25 – Anticipation
We can never know about
The days to come
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I’m really with you
now
Or just chasing some finer day
Carly Simon
Raven, I know something is going on,
so talk to me…
If there is a problem with Connor,
don’t just go after someone else…
This is only going to lead to
trouble. I can feel it…
Her
mother’s words kept echoing in her head. They warned of darker days that were
to come. All of them had to be on to be on their guard against the evil that
was trying to force its way back into their world.
And, then,
there were the words that only spoke of the love Buffy had for the girl she had
taken as her daughter. Raven knew her mother would be there for her if she
wanted to talk about Connor. She would be held and petted as she cried out her pain.
But a part of her didn’t want to care about the consequences of what she was
doing right now.
Fear had
been her constant companion ever since facing the First. It was like the boogey
man her birth mother had used to keep her in line when she was a child. The
First and the ubervamps had done more to destroy her soul than the humans that
murdered her parents. Things she had seen and done that had been kept locked
away, hidden deep inside of her.
She had to.
She was the leader who led so many of the potentials to their death and then buried
them in unmarked graves. Girls, who would never go home, or fall in love, or
grow old. They gave their lives to protect people who would never know of their
sacrifice. And they were rotting in the ground like useless trash.
So, she
behaved. She was helpful to her family, did her duties without resistance, and
loved the only boy she knew was stronger than she would ever hope to be. Now,
in spite of all her industriousness, her world was falling apart anyway. Her
father had left the family to pursue selfish desires, her boyfriend had dumped
her and the evil of those days was returning.
It was too
much for her to handle anymore. There was no one left strong enough to rely on to
help protect her. The death wish that every Slayer had was tickling at the back
of her mind. She was eighteen and her days were numbered. Buffy had already
died once by her age and Faith only stayed alive as long as she had because she
was serving time in prison.
Forcing her
conscious to the back of her mind, Raven was determined to enjoy what life
could offer her.
“Do you
mind if we stop by your place and pick up that book you wanted me to read?”
Raven nonchalantly asked. “I’ve decided to really focus on learning everything
I can.”
It was a
book about prophecies, and ancient predictions that the Watcher felt would be
useful to Raven. She didn’t really like studying books, and avoided it at every
opportunity. The delighted look on Wesley’s face let her know that she had
pushed the right button.
“That’s an
excellent goal,” Wesley praised, smiling warmly at her. “Learning about what
you’re fighting can only make you more effective in your duties.”
“Thank
you,” Raven replied, with a small smile. “I hope you’ll be there to answer any questions
I might have.”
“Of course,
I will. That is what a Watcher is for.”
She smiled
as he switched lanes to head for his apartment while her lower belly cramped with
anticipation. This afternoon she would take what she wanted. She would let
herself gorge on physical delight without worrying about the dangers that would
still be there later. Or even the people that would be hurt by her actions.
Like Fred.
Raven
searched her mind looking for a justification for hurting the woman Wesley
loved. There wasn’t one. So, she simply denied she cared.
~~~~~~~
“Nice car,”
Angel remarked to Gunn, as they climbed into the titanium silver metallic 760i BMW
sedan. He ran his fingertips along the smooth flannel grey leather of the
interior. It was perfection. And very expensive. Not that Gunn couldn’t afford
it on his salary from Wolfram & Hart. It was just the total polar opposite
of what the man he first knew would drive. This car was representative of a
lifestyle that Gunn once scorned.
“Yeah, I
like it,” Gunn replied, turning the car on. He laughed. “Actually I love this
machine. She goes very fast and you can take her anywhere.”
“Just like
the perfect woman.”
“Yes.”
There was
silence as Gunn maneuvered the car onto the city streets. The engine purred
under his confident hand as he headed back to the law firm. Angel had to admire
some of the changes in the man beside him. And then there were the things he
hated about him. Like marrying a woman who didn’t like her husband to be part
of Angel’s team then listening to her advice and changing his whole persona
with tailored suits, fancy cars and a lifestyle that left the couple flirting
with a society that demanded perfection.
He wondered
what had been the final straw that took the last of the soul of the street kid
that Angel first knew. In a way he wished he could try and reach Gunn, see if
he could turn him back before it was too late. But there were bigger things at
stake than one man who willingly signed his soul away.
“How is
Delilah?”
“She’s
fine, just fine,” Gunn answered, pulling the car to a stop at a red light.
“Been driving me crazy with this party she’s putting together. Really hate that
shit.”
“So, why
are you doing it?” Angel asked with a laugh.
“Cause it
makes her happy.”
There was
almost a wistful tone in Gunn’s voice. A regret at how his life had turned out.
It didn’t make things any easier on Angel. But his words were the perfect
opening and he wouldn’t let them go to waste.
“I
understand,” Angel remarked as the car moved forward again. He tried to instill
as much sadness into his voice as he could. But it wasn’t a hard thing to do.
All he had to do was pull up an image of Cordelia as she had been that morning,
curled up in their bed, trying to bear as much pain as she could before asking
for more morphine. She kept muttering that it wasn’t time and begging someone
for mercy. But no one answered her pleas or his as he cried alone in the
shower. There was no need to act. Sorrow was a constant companion these days.
“If I could I would do anything to make Cordelia happy.” He laughed bitterly.
“Or even pain free for one day.”
“Geez, I’m
sorry, man,” Gunn said. “I’m such an ass.”
“No, you’re
not,” Angel replied honestly. “The world continues to turn whether I want it to
or not. I have to learn to live with that.”
“It’s got
to be hard.”
“The
hardest thing I’ve ever done. Nothing makes any sense anymore,” Angel said,
staring out the window. “I’m at the point of not caring about what is right or
wrong. I’m never allowed happiness. Everyone I’ve loved, I’ve lost. It’s all
empty.”
“So, you’re
going to give up the mission?” Gunn asked. “Walk away from the chance at the
Shanshu?”
“It doesn’t
mean anything if I don’t have her. Nothing matters and the whole world can fall
into hell as far as I’m concerned. Once she’s gone, I’m going to live for me
for a change.”
Gunn didn’t
say anything. Angel really hadn’t expected him to. It was enough for now that
the seeds had been planted. The senior partners wouldn’t let this opportunity
pass if they truly thought they could get Angel playing on their side. It was
what they had always wanted. And Angel was ready to hand it to them on a silver
platter.
~~~~~~~
The house
seemed deserted. There wasn’t any noise except for the ones Spike made as he
entered. The quietness made him sigh in relief as he let himself into the beach
house. No scene to happen upon that made him doubt himself or the life he had
now.
He sighed.
Frustrated
at his lack of belief in himself after all these years of being part of the
team, married to the woman he loved and being a father. Sometimes when he was
gone, or alone, the life he was leading seemed nothing more than a dream, or
the results of a spell. That one day he would awaken and it would slip through
his fingers no matter how hard he tried to hold onto it.
Trying to
dispel the uneasiness curling in his belly, he headed for the kitchen with a
determined stride. He glanced into rooms as he made his way toward the kitchen,
wondering where everyone had disappeared to. Even Cordelia and her daytime
nurse, Sylvia, weren’t in the house. Of course, there was always the
possibility that Cordelia had gone to the hospital for some sort of treatment
or doctor’s appointment.
He put the
bags holding the large assortment of food he’d purchased down on the kitchen
table. There was no doubt in his mind that everyone would find something within
those four bags that they liked. He’d gotten enough to feed a small army.
Just as he
was reaching to unpack the food, a shrill laughter from somewhere outside
reached him. It made him smile as he recognized Joy’s shrieks of happiness. He hurried
over to the sliding glass doors to look out over the beach. There was his small
daughter running away from a wave that was quickly overtaking her feet. She
jumped up and down, splashing water all over herself and Benjamin who was with
her. Standing in the water with them was Molly and Amanda, laughing at the
antics of the children.
His gaze
followed Joy’s pointing finger to where a big umbrella was stuck in the sand.
The people relaxing under it were not visible to him except for the toes that
hung over the end of their loungers. He smiled because he knew one had to be
Cordelia. It was good that she was outside getting some fresh air.
One of the persons
with her stood and moved toward the children. It was a blonde girl with
shoulder length hair. He furrowed his brows wondering who it was then his eyes
widened in delight when she threw her head back to laugh at something.
It was
Buffy.
His Buffy
was back with the hair of gold that he loved so much. Transfixed by the sight,
he opened the door to hastily make his way toward his wife. His earlier fantasy
of her was being played out before him. A tiny red bikini was all she wore to
cover her body that glistened in the afternoon sun. All it would take was two
tugs and she would be naked for him to make love to. He growled deep in his
throat at the thought.
She had
just scooped Joy up into her arms when they noticed him. Joy shouted for him
while Buffy smiled shyly at him. His footsteps quickened even more as they
turned toward him.
All he
could compare this moment to was that it was like coming home after four long
years. He opened his arms, taking them both close against him, kissing his
daughter on the cheek before turning to Buffy.
“Hi there,”
Spike whispered, letting his fingers run through the locks that were swept to
the side. Wispy bangs teased at her brows, falling softly to frame her face. He
couldn’t take his eyes from her.
“Hi Daddy,”
Joy said, demanding his attention. She wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Hey,
little one,” Spike said, glancing at his daughter. “You having fun?”
“Yep, Benji
play with me,” Joy declared, pointing at the boy. “We made a castle but a big
wave,” she pulled her arms away to indicate the size of the destructive water,
“came along and smashed it.”
“I wish I
had seen it,” Spike said. “Why don’t you go make another one?”
“You come
help?” Joy asked, wiggling to be put back down.
“Yeah, I’ll
be there in just a moment.”
The little
girl hit the sand running, the ruffles across the bottom of her bathing suit
dancing with her movements. Once he was assured that Amanda’s attention was
returned to her charge, Spike focused his on his wife.
“Hey baby,”
Spike said, burying his face in her neck.
“Hey
yourself,” Buffy said, sliding her hands under his shirt. “I take it you
approve?”
“Yeah,”
Spike said, looking down at her again. “I…maybe I shouldn’t make such a big
deal but yeah, I’m glad that you’re back.”
“It’s the
same me, silly.”
Not to him
it wasn’t, but he let it drop with a smile. No longer would the shadows play
tricks on him. When she walked away from him, he’d know who he was watching.
This was the girl he loved with all his heart. Needing to imprint himself on
her, he gathered a fistful of her hair, pulling her head back so he could kiss
her.
There was
no doubt though that it was his woman that was in his arms. Her fingers dived
under the waistband of his jeans to touch that one spot on his lower back that
drove him crazy. Her legs separated to allow his thigh to push against her
center. And her tongue, it darted into his mouth, to tease him with its
questing tip. A slow flame started where she was touching him, moving along his
nerve endings until it burst out of control at his cock.
Spike
reluctantly pulled away, throwing his head back to take a deep breath that
maybe would help to clear his mind. He heard his wife giggle.
“I’ve still
got it,” Buffy teased, her hands now on his chest. With a sassy smile she
turned away. He watched the sway of her bottom for a moment before starting to
follow her. Somehow he would find a way to get her alone tonight. Yeah, she
still had it, but so did he.
With an
evil grin, he started jogging toward her. He grabbed the string holding her top
together and pulled. It came undone, leaving Buffy to clutch at her chest, as
she yelped.
He moved
past her then turned, jogging backwards.
“And I’m
still the big bad,” Spike said, laughing as she fumbled with getting herself
back together.
~~~~~~~~
Raven
wandered around the living room as Wesley searched the shelves for the book.
There were traces of Fred in the room, a picture of the couple on the side
table, a soft, blue afghan thrown carelessly over the back of the couch, and a
vase of flowers in the middle of the dining table. There was no doubt that the
woman Wes loved spent a lot of time here with him.
Trying to
sort through the thoughts jumbling in her mind and the emotions rampaging in
her heart, Raven turned to stare out the window. Why couldn’t there be a place
that held pieces of Connor and her? Things she could look at and know that he
loved her and that others could see the evidence of their being a couple.
There was
nothing. She still lived at home while he now lived in a dorm. They never spent
much time together at either place. Sure Connor was at the house a lot, but it
was like he was part of the whole family. It wasn’t theirs. She had a few
mementos in her room of their time together, but it wasn’t the same. Her eyes
filled with tears and she blinked them back. She refused to dwell on what was
gone.
“Here, I
found it,” Wesley triumphantly said behind her.
She turned
to see him waving the book. It was now or never and she held her hand out to
take it from him. She concentrated on the vibes she felt when they were alone,
letting her fingers slide across his flesh as she took the book from him.
In
amazement she watched the change come over him. His face hardened while his
eyes grew brighter. He stepped closer to her and she tossed the book onto the
table.
“I’ve
wanted you for a long time,” Raven whispered, trailing her fingertips across
his cheek.
His only
response was to gather her close to him. The air crackled between them as he
bent his head to kiss her. There was no gentleness, no love, no caring, only primal
raw need in their kiss. She bowed under his expertise, letting him lead her as
his hands rushed over her body. He cupped her bottom, grinding his erection
into the softness at the junction of her thighs. It was like a storm taking her
over as he bit into the curve of her neck.
“Now,
you’ll have me,” Wesley said, bending down to throw her over his shoulder. He
strode into the bedroom, tossing her down onto the mattress.
There
wasn’t even a moment to take a breath before he covered her with his body.
Harshness was in his kiss. No wondering if she was enjoying what he was doing
as his hand covered her breast, tweaking her nipple with an almost painful
grasp.
His hands
moved downwards to tear at the fastening of her jeans.
And she
wondered what the hell she had done.
to be continued…
