Chapter 1
It was almost too much to
bear. There were other things worse but at this point in her life they were all
blurring together in a haze of hurt. Nothing had really mattered to her since
the destruction of
Once, a very long time ago,
she’d found the sunlight again. Found the strength in her mission to continue
to live a life of service as the soldier against the darkness. The war raged
on, she fought it on her own terms, and lost the part of her heart that meant
everything to her. Spike had died so that she could live. He’d given her the
chance to be whatever she wanted to be. And she’d given it a valiant fight,
even found the silly girl who liked to dance and date, until he was lost to her
again without ever having a chance to touch him, even just once more.
The phone call came telling
of the news of the battle that Angel waged and lost, the deaths of his
companions, and then finally Giles spoke of Spike and his demise there in the
alley along with the others. Buffy slipped to the floor. Her heart broken, her
soul shattered by the unimportance she represented to the man who meant life to
her.
After that nothing was the
same for her and the path to this day was clearly carved out by her loving
friends and family. And she, too tired to protest, too heartbroken to care had
pasted on her prettiest smile and followed it.
It was always them that told
her how to define her life. They took her hesitation as her not knowing what
was best for her and that it was their duty to intervene.
To drag her screaming from
the only rest she had been given…
Scorning the only harbor that
she had from the storm they’d created.
She was alone again. There
was no one who would understand. No one heard her tears of self-pity and
regret. No one absorbed her rage at the injustice of life yet again. No one
left to dream about, to believe in, and she always felt the spaciousness behind
her.
She had become their Barbie
doll to play with. What she wanted was gone from her fingers. So, she wore the
pretty clothes, did her duties as Giles felt she should, and she tried to love
someone else.
She was alone. And the
roaring agony of her heart could only be compared to the flight she had taken
from the tower.
Only there would be no
heaven to welcome her. Only the hell she had woken to.
This day that was supposed
to be one of great joy, only brought her mourning to the forefront again. There
was no way to dull the agony that slashed the very essence of her being. It
vibrated through her, echoing inside her mind until she wanted to scream, but
she didn’t.
Because today she stood in a
gown that cost too much, a church full of people thinking this was her best day
ever, and the right sort of man waiting for her at the end of the aisle. With a
sigh, Buffy ran her hand over the smooth silk of her wedding dress and stared
at her reflection. At the pristine beauty with the gentle smile that was well
rehearsed. She avoided looking into her eyes. Into the deadness that she knew
filled them. Once they glowed at a lover’s touch or sparkled at the wit of
someone around her, but now they only bore the dullness of the unpolished
emerald.
“Are you ready, Buffy?”
Giles asked, slipping his hand into hers.
She nodded. Her throat was
filled with all the regrets that overflowed her twenty-five year old heart.
What she would give for just one more chance. To be able to love
him like she wanted…like she should have when he was there with her.
Giles led her into the
vestibule where her bridesmaids were giggling as they lined up to precede her
down the aisle. Dawn, first, as her maid of honor,
A smirk graced Buffy’s face
at her treachery. They couldn’t see the truth of her colors, the blood red and
the white for the paleness of his flesh chosen in a moment of tired rebellion
at the pressure to prepare this farce. Giles was studying her. She leaned over
to kiss his cheek.
“Let’s do this,” Buffy
whispered as she drew away. She didn’t want to hurt them. For as much as she
resented them, she also loved them. They were the ones who never left
her…unlike him. And for them she would try to make this work.
The music started and she
watched her friends march down the aisle. For a moment she caught her future
husband’s eyes and guilt filled her at her deception. Not for long though. She
would be a good wife. She’d been the good girlfriend for over a year now. Not
like she’d been with Riley. No, she attended to his needs, was fluttery and
weak when he wanted to be strong, and she faked her way through sex. Sometimes
she closed her eyes to try and pretend it was the hands she wanted on her body,
but the ones who held her were warm, too gentle to satisfy her, so she gave up.
It didn’t matter anyway. It
was all automatic. All a state of mind that kept her in a role that should have
been someone else’s life. No one else would ever know though, but her. She
wouldn’t give them a chance to find out.
“Our turn,” Giles whispered,
stepping into place beside her. His smile was gentle. His heart filled with the
knowledge that she would be happy where she would be going. It was another lie
but they were all happy in that belief. Wasn’t that what was important? She
tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow and allowed the only father she’d
really known to lead her to her future.
Her eyes were kept firmly on
the candles burning on the altar. She was afraid she would scream from
frustration if she looked at the expectations in their eyes. A flush filled her
cheeks as she absorbed their stares. Here she was the perfect little Buffy
doing the perfect little thing so that she wouldn’t be labeled difficult or the
bitch or even the General anymore.
She gave the appropriate
little murmurs as Giles passed her to the man she would spend her life with.
She accepted the kiss on the cheek from Giles and the squeeze of her fiancée’s
hand. Silently she stood there as the minister welcomed everyone and spoke of
the great love of the couple. She trembled under the decision she’d made to do
this.
It was the right one to
make. It had to be. For not only her sake but for those that
she loved, too.
“Does anyone here have any
reason that these two should not wed?” The minister asked, peering over the
couple’s head at the guests.
The back door of the church
slammed open causing everyone to turn to take in the figure swaggering into the
sanctuary with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.
“Yeah, actually I have one,”
Spike announced, dropping his fag onto the carpet and grinding it out with the
heel of his boot. “The bride is mine.”
~~~~~~~
Gasps littered the air around him like the annoying
sounds of gnats flying around his head. The guests in their pretty little
clothes gaped in open mouth stares at him as he walked down the aisle. He
didn’t care. They didn’t matter. Nothing could break his attention from the
woman in white at the altar.
She was his everything.
For nine years she had ruled his heart no matter how hard he tried not to let
her. When he had heard of her impending marriage, he thought he could let her
go. Let her have that normal life that she always wanted. It was the reason why
he had stayed away, letting her think he was dead yet again.
How many times could he disrupt her life? Oh, he had gone to Europe after Los
Angeles fell to see her. He had stood outside her bedroom window watching the
grief that tore her apart, knowing that it was his fault. Their words were
right. Spike brought her nothing but grief. So, he had walked away. It seemed,
once a fool, always a fool.
But this time he couldn’t let her go. The mere thought of
her being bound to another man had brought him running to her side.
To take back what was his.
“Bloody hell, that was good,” Spike smirked, glancing around at the people who
were now standing. “I’ve always wanted to do that.” He gave a short laugh as
his eyes returned to Buffy.
A thousand conflicted emotions crossed her face, surprise, fury, disbelief,
love, continuing on until he saw the relief settle there. It was all he needed
to know. He cocked his head as their gazes met.
“Hello, cutie, ready to get out of here?” He asked as he continued to saunter
toward her. She remained frozen, ignoring his outstretched hand.
It was then that her guard dogs descended upon him. He wanted to laugh at their
brave defense to protect the one who they turned to for protection. It was
ridiculous of them to think that they, mere humans, could stop him. It was the
rustling of other guests, young beautiful women that gave him cause for concern
though. The pews were filled with Slayers. He stopped.
“Get out of here,” Giles hissed. “You have no right to be here, especially
today of all days.”
“Today is the perfect day,” Spike replied, “Before she makes the biggest
mistake of her life.”
He tried to remember why he had ever liked this Watcher. It was years ago in a
different time and place. Now, he only held disdain for the aging man that once
tried to end his existence. It was something he hadn’t forgiven Giles for or
his refusal to help those in Los Angeles when they needed it most.
“Leave her alone,” Xander demanded, with his chest puffed valiantly outward.
“She doesn’t want you here.”
He looked past them to the woman still staring at him.
“Is that right, Buffy?” Spike asked. “Do you want me to leave?”
Buffy started to cry. The tears slid silently down her face. Spike could see
the turmoil within her. It hurt him to do this to her. But she would never be
happy with that boy standing beside her. Her spirit had to be biting at the
bits to be free again.
The grapevine on the Slayers had been quite alive within the vampire community.
He had heard tales of the great one that was now desk bound in the new
corporate offices of the Watchers. They had corralled her again. He didn’t
understand why she would allow them to do it to her. Or why she did it to herself.
But now looking into her eyes he understood. It rocked the very foundation of
his faith. She truly needed him. He was the only one she trusted with all of
her. Without him she was afraid to fly.
His own eyes filled with tears at the realization. He opened his arms.
“Come here, pet,” Spike called. “Let me get you out of here.”
“I know who you are,” the man beside her postured as he stepped in front of
Buffy. “And I know how much you’ve hurt her. She doesn’t want you. She’s going
to be my wife.”
“Oh, please,” Spike returned with a laugh. “She wants me all right. I can tell
you that much.” He ignored the indignant look on the groom’s face and
concentrated on the blushing one of Buffy. “Do you really want to be married to
this boy? Just tell me that you do and I’ll leave.”
A stake appeared before him and he followed it down to the Slayer that was
holding it. A girl he remembered vaguely from the days of the First. She had
never liked him. The hand came down towards his chest. He wondered vaguely if
this was how it was going to end for him.
“No,” Buffy screamed, running toward them. “Leave him alone…oh, god,
don’t…please.”
She threw herself between Spike and the girl. Her arms wrapping tight around
his waist as she sobbed his name over and over. He threw a triumphant look
around at the guests before scooping Buffy into his arms. With her cradled in
his arms he turned around while she buried her face in his neck. Her fingers
caressed him while her lips kissed along his jaw line. He wanted to lay her
down on the altar behind him and make her his in the most fundamental way
possible in front of everyone. It was only her modesty that stopped him, that
and a foolish notion that he wanted to live long enough to finish the job.
“Stop,” Giles demanded, grabbing the sleeve of Spike’s duster.
Spike tried to shake him off but Giles held firm to the leather. Xander had run
to stand in front of them and a dozen slayers were surrounding them. He
laughed.
“Oh, come on,” Spike laughed. “She doesn’t want to play your little suburban
games anymore. Stand aside and let us through.”
“You are not taking her,” Xander stated. “You’ve put some kind of thrall on her
or something. There is no way she would leave with you, you lying son of a
bitch.”
Spike took a step forward and everyone closed in a little tighter. It seemed he
might end up in a brawl after all. He went to put Buffy down but she only held
tighter to him. She lifted her head though.
“I want to leave with him,” she said softly. “I’m sorry, Giles, I’m so
sorry…but I need him. I know that now.” A sob ripped through her slender being
as she reached a beseeching hand to her Watcher.
“Why Buffy?” Giles asked, grabbing a hold of her like he would never let go. He
stepped closer to them. A gentle hand caressed Buffy’s face. “It’s your wedding
day. Everything is yours here…everything you ever said you wanted.”
“I know…I’m sorry…Spike, I have to know where it goes…”
“He lied to you, Buffy,” Xander reminded her. “He was alive and never said
anything. Now, he’s here…claiming you like you were his property or something.
Remember what he did to you…”
“He died for me,” Buffy whispered, returning her gaze to Spike’s. Her eyes
alight with love. “That’s all I need to know. The rest…I can forgive if he’ll
forgive me.”
“Anything you want, pet,” Spike vowed, “As long as we’re together.”
She fumbled with something behind him then she held her engagement ring out to
hand to Giles.
“Give this back to him,” Buffy whispered, glancing over Spike’s shoulder at the
stupefied groom. “Tell him I’m sorry.”
“Think this over, Buffy,” Giles pleaded. “I can’t believe this is what you
want.” His hand gestured wildly around his head.
“Buffy, don’t,” Dawn called, from where she was forlornly standing by the
groom. The bouquet she carried perilously close to falling to the floor. “Don’t
leave.”
“Get me out of here,” Buffy said, closing her eyes. “Before I regain my senses
and stay here.”
“Not a chance, Luv,” Spike declared, hurrying toward the vestibule with his
lady still in his arms. He ignored the other calls to them, the rushing of feet
behind him. They had their chance to make her happy and they had failed.
Now it was his turn to try.
to be continued…
