SHYNESS and HOW TO OVERCOME

In humans, shyness is the feeling of apprehension or lack of confidence experienced in regard to social association with others, e.g. being in proximity to, approaching and being approached by others. In zoology, shy generally means "tends to avoid human beings"; See crypsis. Shyness in animals manifests with ostensibly similar behavioral traits, but differs wholly from humans in cognition and motivation.

Shyness is most likely to occur during many of the unfamiliar situations, since many shy people thus avoid these situations in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable and inept, the situation remains unfamiliar and the shyness perpetuates by itself.

In the humans, shyness is a feeling of insecurity or awkwardness that certain people experience while being among others, talking with others, asking favors of others, etc. In zoology, shy generally means, a tendency to avoid human beings.

Shyness is most likely to occur during many of the unfamiliar situations, since many shy people thus avoid these situations in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable and inept, the situation remains unfamiliar and the shyness perpetuates by itself. Shyness may also fade with time and a child who is shy toward strangers, for instance, may eventually come to lose this trait when he becomes older.

The problem of shyness can either involve having trouble thinking of what to say in social situations or to involve crippling physical manifestations of uneasiness. Shyness usually involves a combination of both types of symptoms. For a shy person, these effects can be quite disastrous.

Behavioural traits in social situations, such as smiling, thinking of suitable conversational topics, assuming a relaxed posture and making good eye-contact, which come spontaneously for an average person, may be relatively absent for a shy person.

People experience shyness to various degrees. For example, an actor may be loud and bold on stage, but very shy in an interview. In addition, some people may feel shy around certain people and not others. For instance, one may be outgoing with friends, but experience love-shyness towards potential partners.

Shy people tend to perceive their own shyness as a negative trait and many people are uneasy with the shyness, especially in cultures that value individuality and taking charge. On the other hand, many shy people are perceived to be good listeners and are more likely to think before they can speak. Furthermore, boldness, the opposite of shyness, may cause its own problems, such as impertinence or an inappropriate behavior.

The initial cause of shyness does vary. Scientists have located some of the genetic data that supports the hypothesis that shyness is at least partially genetic. However, there is also evidence that the environment in which a person is born and raised can affect their shyness. Shyness can originate after a person has experienced a physical anxiety reaction; at other times, shyness seems to develop first and then later causes the physical symptoms of anxiety.

Shyness does differ from social anxiety, which is an experience of fear, apprehension or worry regarding social situations. Often, shyness can be mistaken with aggressivity, arrogance, or introversion due to the shy person's attempts to avoid an uneasy situation.

Shyness is not directly related to introversion, according, introverts choose to avoid these social situations because they derive no reward from them, and may find the extra sensory input overwhelming. Shy people do fear such situations and feel that they must avoid them.

If you know someone who is shy, try to help the person feel less nervous. Name-calling or teasing will make that person feel even more shy, so try to avoid it at the first instance. The more time you spend with the person, the less shy he or she may feel around you. You might even tell him or her about a time that you felt shy and that will definitely help the person to understand that everyone feels shy sometimes, nobody is an exception.

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By Karen Payne, Ph.D.

Shyness is a commonly used but often misunderstood term. The purpose of this article is to clarify what social scientists have come to know about this very common problem and then begin to discuss the impact that shyness can have on your self-esteem, as well as your interpersonal and social well being. In addition, strategies for dealing with shyness will be discussed.

Shyness can be defined as a feeling of discomfort or inhibition in social or interpersonal situations that keeps you from pursuing your goals, either academic or personal. Shyness results in excessive self-focus and worry, often preoccupation with your thoughts, feelings or physical reactions (accelerated heart rate, pulse, etc.). The degree to which shyness can create problems for people varies widely, from mild social awkwardness to debilitating social phobia. Very common is situational shyness, which refers to the phenomenon of becoming fearful or inhibited in certain situations. The most typical situations that often trigger this kind of reaction are ones involving authority figures (teachers, administrators, leaders, etc.), potential one-on-one romantic or intimate encounters, having to initiate action in a group setting, or initiating social action in unstructured settings. These kind of situations often elicit reactions at one or all of the following levels: cognitive, meaning thoughts; affective, meaning feelings, physiological, meaning within the body; or behavioral, resulting in a withdrawal from the difficult situation. Less common than situational shyness, but important to understand is the more chronic form of shyness that involves avoidance and/or fear of most situations involving contact with others. This form of shyness is often described by mental health professionals as Social Phobia. Social Phobia often leads to a much more pervasive degree of isolation, avoidance and loneliness. Chronic shyness can clearly be distinguished from introversion. Introverts are people who prefer solitary to social activities but do not fear social encounters as do the shy. Shy individuals have a wish for more contact with others and are not content with the degree of isolation that pervades their lives. Whether it is situational or chronic shyness that is experienced, the shy individual will report feeling some degree of disconnection with others and a longing for closer bonds with people in their lives.

The number of people reporting some form of shyness has been gradually increasing over the years. The most recent research suggests that at any given point in time, close to 50% of the general population report that they currently experience some degree of shyness in their lives. In addition, close to 80% of people report having felt shy at some point in their lives. Many of these people could be referred to as "shy extroverts". These are people who are publicly outgoing, but privately experience painful thoughts or feelings. Social Phobia, which again is the more chronic form of shyness, is now thought to have a lifetime prevalence rate of about 13%, which makes it the third most prevalent psychiatric disorder. All of these statistics demonstrate that the number of people suffering from some form of shyness and/or social isolation and avoidance based on fear is very high, certainly deserving of attention and treatment. The other important factor to consider in understanding the very large numbers of people effected by shyness is the interactive effect of shyness on other emotional problems. People who are shy are much more vulnerable to developing other kinds of psychological problems, such as depression and/or anxiety. Given the large number of people experiencing shyness and the risk of either staying stuck in the shy behavior or developing other maladaptive responses, it becomes clear that it is important to recognize the shyness and work on developing alternative and healthier ways of coping with the fear.

Before discussing treatment options, let me first mention two factors to consider in the growing numbers of people defining themselves as shy: culture and technology. Cultural tradition is important in understanding who defines themselves as shy. Different cultures clearly have different definitions of what is normative interpersonally and socially. Interpersonal styles vary across cultures and it is important to consider this when interacting with people who are culturally different from yourself. Cross-cultural studies on the prevalence of shyness have been done and indicate that there are differences in numbers across cultures, though the overall pattern of results indicates a universality of shyness across all cultures. What is important to remember in this regard is that a person’s own definition of his/her degree of shyness may be at least somewhat dependent on the cultural background and ethnic identity. In addition, cultural changes within the United States, such as increased crime forcing children off the streets and smaller families resulting in fewer siblings and smaller peer groups, are thought to be influences resulting in children growing up with less opportunity for unstructured interpersonal development. The issue of technology and its impact on shyness is very interesting when considering the growing numbers of people self-identifying with this problem. It could be that the rising numbers of shy young adults is due in part to the growing dependence on non-human forms of communication, coming about as a result of our huge advances in technology. Most university students now have grown up spending considerable amounts of time using video games, computer CD-rom games, web surfing, emailing friends, and finding chat rooms to develop relationships. If this has been your experience, you may want to think some about the impact that this may have had on your feeling comfortable and confident interacting with others. While some shy people benefit from using the anonymity of email and chat rooms, the danger is that for others this may become a substitute for contact with people. In addition, automation is replacing people serving people, so in many areas of everyday life, from bank ATMs to gas stations to automated telephone answering services, it is quite possible to avoid dealing with human beings. The difficult question that remains unanswered is what the long-term effect of this massive change in information, technology and culture will be on individuals’ ability to develop and sustain human relationships.

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Shyness is most likely to occur during unfamiliar situations, though in acute cases it may hinder an individual in his or her most familiar situations and relationships as well. Shy individuals avoid the objects of their apprehension in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable and inept, thus the situations remain unfamiliar and the shyness perpetuates itself. Shyness may fade with time (a child who is shy toward strangers, for instance, may eventually lose this trait when older and more socially adept), or may be an integrated, life-long character trait.

Humans experience shyness to different degrees and in different arenas. For example, an actor may be loud and bold on stage, but shy in an interview. In addition, shyness may manifest when one is in the company of certain people and completely disappear when with others—one may be outgoing with friends and family, but experience love-shyness toward potential partners, even if strangers are generally not an obstacle.

The condition of true shyness may simply involve the discomfort of difficulty in knowing what to say in social situations, or may include crippling physical manifestations of uneasiness. Shyness usually involves a combination of both symptoms, and may be quite devastating for the sufferer.

Instinctive behavioural traits in social situations such as smiling, easily producing suitable conversational topics, assuming a relaxed posture and making good eye contact, which come spontaneously for the average person, may not be second nature for a shy person, requiring struggle or being completely unattainable.

[edit] Complications

The term shyness may be implemented as a lay blanket-term for a family of related and partially overlapping afflictions, including timidity (apprehension in meeting new people), bashfulness and diffidence (unnasertiveness), apprehension and anticipation (general fear of potential interaction), or intimidation (relating to the object of fear rather than one's low confidence).[1]

It must also be noted that apparent shyness, as perceived by others, may simply be the manifestation of reservation or introversion, character traits which cause an individual to voluntarily avoid excessive social contact or be terse in communication, but are not motivated or accompanied by discomfort, apprehension, or lack of confidence.

Rather, according to Bernardo J. Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute, introverts choose to avoid social situations because they derive no reward from them, or may find surplus sensory input overwhelming. Conversely, shy people fear such situations and feel that they must avoid them. [2]

Shy people tend to perceive their own shyness as a negative trait, and many people are uneasy with shyness in others, especially in cultures which value individuality and taking charge. This generally poor reception of shyness may be misinterpreted by the suffering individual as aversion related to him or her personally, rather than simply to his or her shyness. Both conditions can lead to an unfortunate compounding of a shy individual's low self-confidence.

In American society, the hallmarks of which are outspokenness and confidence, a shy individual may be immediately perceived as weak. To an unsympathetic observer, a shy individual may be mistaken as arrogant or aloof, frustrating the sufferer. In more forgiving arenas, shy people may be perceived to be thoughtful, good listeners and are more likely to think before they speak. Furthermore, boldness, the opposite of shyness, may cause its own problems, such as impertinence or inappropriate behavior.

[edit] Origins

The initial causes of shyness vary. Scientists have located some genetic data that supports the hypothesis that shyness is at least partially genetic. However, there is also evidence that the environment in which a person is raised can affect their shyness. Shyness can originate after a person has experienced a physical anxiety reaction; at other times, shyness seems to develop first and then later causes physical symptoms of anxiety.

Shyness differs from social anxiety, which is a a broader, often depression-related psychological condition including the experience of fear, apprehension or worry regarding social situations and being evaluated by others to panic-inducing extents.

[edit] Genetics and Heredity

The genetics of shyness is a relatively small area of research that has been receiving an even smaller amount of attention, although papers on the biological bases of shyness date back at least to 1988.

Some research has indicated that shyness and aggression are related—through long and short forms of the gene DRD4, though considerably more research on this is needed. Further, it has been suggested that shyness and social phobia (the distinction between the two is becoming ever more blurred) are related to obsessive-compulsive disorder.

As with other studies of behavioral genetics, the study of shyness is complicated by the number of genes involved in, and the confusion in defining, the phenotype. Naming the phenotype – and translation of terms between genetics and psychology — also causes problems. In some research, "behavioral inhibition" is studied, in others anxiety or social inhibition is. One solution to this problem is to study the genetics of underlying traits, such as "anxious temperament."

Several genetic links to shyness are current areas of research. One of the most promising is the serotonin transporter promoter region polymorphism (5-HTTLPR), the long form of which has been shown to be highly correlated with shyness in grade school children. Previous studies had shown a connection between this form of the gene and both obsessive-compulsive disorder and autism. Mouse models have also been used, to derive genes suitable for further study in humans; one such gene, the glutamic acid decarboxylase gene (which encodes an enzyme that functions in GABA synthesis), has so far been shown to have some association with behavioral inhibition. Another gene, the dopamine D4 receptor gene (DRD4) exon III polymorphism, had been the subject of studies in both shyness and aggression, and is currently the subject of studies on the "novelty seeking" trait. A 1996 study of anxiety-related traits (shyness being one of these) remarked that, "Although twin studies have indicated that individual variation in measures of anxiety-related personality traits is 40-60% heritable, none of the relevant genes has yet been identified," and that "10 to 15 genes might be predicted to be involved" in the anxiety trait. Progress has been made since then, especially in identifying other potential genes involved in personality traits, but there has been little progress made towards confirming these relationships. The long version of the 5-HTT gene-linked polymorphic region (5-HTTLPR) is now postulated to be correlated with shyness, but in the 1996 study, the short version was shown to be related to anxiety-based traits. This confusion and contradiction does not oppose the genetic basis of personality traits, but does emphasize the amount of research there is still to be done before the bases of even one or two of these characteristics can be identified.

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What is shyness to U

You enter a room and you are greeted with a sea of unfamiliar faces.

Suddenly your heart beats faster, your hands become sweaty, you have this feeling like you want to run for cover; you are probably experiencing shyness.

Shyness is the feeling of withdrawal and ineptness when facing situations a person is unfamiliar with.

Every one of us at one time in our lives felt shy or unconfident in a certain situation.

Shyness is a natural feeling and you should not feel bad if you become shy. Everybody experiences it.

Did you know that almost half of the United States adult population is believed to be shy? Another fact, shyness has increased at about 10% over the last decade.

In children shyness is also normal. Children experience a lot of situations that are unfamiliar to them and face different people including strangers who they haven’t seen before so the initial reaction for them is to be shy.

When do people experience shyness?

A person has a tendency to be shy during social gatherings especially if most of the people in these events are unknown to that person. Some people feel uncomfortable when in a group of people that they do not personally know because they are uncertain on how they would interact with the guests or what specific actions they should do. It is normal to be shy during these kinds of situations but there is a point that a person should become at ease and used to these kinds of social gatherings.

Another common situation that a person can become shy is when in front of a lot of people. Most people tend to be shy when the entire group’s attention is focused on them. Certain situations like speaking in front of a crowd or presenting to a lot of people can induce shyness.

Among teens and young adults, one situation that usually brings out their shyness is during dates with the opposite sex. Dates are usually spontaneous and vague; you may never know what will happen next so you tend to be shy. You try to impress your date but at the same time you feel shy and nervous. The feeling of shyness is most common during first dates.

Being introduced to a person for the first time can also bring out the shy person in you. Because people do not know anything about the person they are being introduced to or because they are unfamiliar with them, they tend to be shy.

Being complimented with the way you look, speak, act, or being complimented for your work can also bring about shyness. Some people become self-conscious and shy when they are given compliments.

Most shy people tend to avoid being caught in these situations because they do not want to feel uncomfortable.

Shyness is not necessarily bad because it is a normal feeling but there are actually negative things that can be caused by shyness. If a person is shy then he or she can miss out on a lot of opportunities that may have contributed to that person’s success.

For instance in a certain situation, a man knows he has excellent skills in drawing and painting, but because he is too shy to showcase his talent, he misses out on a lot of opportunities that could have made him a famous painter.

Another negative effect that shyness has on some people is that it affects their social life. They have a hard time interacting with strangers and new people that they meet so making friends is also difficult. Shy people feel terrible because one of the basic human needs is the need for social interaction and longing for human affection and they have a hard time satisfying these needs because of shyness.

Shyness has different levels and it can vary from being mild to moderate to extreme shyness. Social anxiety or social phobia is different from shyness because the former are considered more severe cases of shyness and people who experience these usually seek the help of medical professionals. Persons who have social anxiety or social phobia have a hard time interacting with other people thus hampering their daily tasks. It really is a serious issue that needs to be handled by professionals.

When do people experience shyness?

A person has a tendency to be shy during social gatherings especially if most of the people in these events are unknown to that person.

Some people feel uncomfortable when in a group of people that they do not personally know because they are uncertain on how they would interact with the guests or what specific actions they should do.

It is normal to be shy during these kinds of situations but there is a point that a person should become at ease and used to these kinds of social gatherings.

Another common situation that a person can become shy is when in front of a lot of people. Most people tend to be shy when the entire group’s attention is focused on them. Certain situations like speaking in front of a crowd or presenting to a lot of people can induce shyness.

Among teens and young adults, one situation that usually brings out their shyness is during dates with the opposite sex. Dates are usually spontaneous and vague; you may never know what will happen next so you tend to be shy. You try to impress your date but at the same time you feel shy and nervous. The feeling of shyness is most common during first dates.

Being introduced to a person for the first time can also bring out the shy person in you. Because people do not know anything about the person they are being introduced to or because they are unfamiliar with them, they tend to be shy.

Being complimented with the way you look, speak, act, or being complimented for your work can also bring about shyness. Some people become self-conscious and shy when they are given compliments.

Most shy people tend to avoid being caught in these situations because they do not want to feel uncomfortable.

Shyness is not necessarily bad because it is a normal feeling but there are actually negative things that can be caused by shyness. If a person is shy then he or she can miss out on a lot of opportunities that may have contributed to that person’s success.

For instance in a certain situation, a man knows he has excellent skills in drawing and painting, but because he is too shy to showcase his talent, he misses out on a lot of opportunities that could have made him a famous painter.

Another negative effect that shyness has on some people is that it affects their social life. They have a hard time interacting with strangers and new people that they meet so making friends is also difficult. Shy people feel terrible because one of the basic human needs is the need for social interaction and longing for human affection and they have a hard time satisfying these needs because of shyness.

Shyness has different levels and it can vary from being mild to moderate to extreme shyness. Social anxiety or social phobia is different from shyness because the former are considered more severe cases of shyness and people who experience these usually seek the help of medical professionals.

Persons who have social anxiety or social phobia have a hard time interacting with other people thus hampering their daily tasks. It really is a serious issue that needs to be handled by professionals.

Are Certain People Born To Be Shy

Why am I shy? – Are Certain People Born to Be Shy?

Yes. Sounds strange?  Read on and we’ll explain.

At some time in your life, have you ever said “I have butterflies in my stomach?”

Maybe you haven’t because you don’t use that idiom but for sure you have already experienced being shy.

You probably felt shy during an unfamiliar situation and you felt annoying and embarrassing symptoms of shyness like avoiding eye contact, sweaty palms, racing heart, blushing, sweating bullets or having awkward thoughts.

Being shy is indeed one of the feelings that you do not want to constantly feel.

Shyness is normal and it is not considered as a mental problem. All people have been shy at one time or another. Even the most confident people experienced being shy so there is nothing to worry about if you feel shy. Studies show that around 20 percent of people in the whole word are proven to be shy. And this number continues to increase. So if you’re feeling shy, don’t fret because you are not alone.

However, if your shyness has become too much to handle and it is affecting your life already especially having normal interaction with people, then maybe it is time to assess yourself because maybe there really is something wrong. As we discussed, too much shyness can lead to social phobia, which is a mental problem that needs to be handled by expert doctors or psychologists.

You probably are wondering why you are shy. It may be because of the environment you were use to or the way you were brought up. Certain events or incidents in the past may also contribute to the reason why you are shy now.

But in most cases, shyness proves to be hereditary.

Many studies conducted have proven that genetics is one major factor that contributes to shyness. This also applies to animals. Dogs and horses that have shy parents are also most likely to become shy and may be more difficult to be trained. Most shy people have shy parents and relatives and it is not surprising to find out that they too have become shy persons.

Being shy can be a problem if not handled well. One of the negative sides of being shy is having the tendency to be passive. Most of the time shy people can’t stand up for themselves and what they believe is right, thus they just sit in a corner and let everything happen even if against their will.

Shy people also have certain insecurities that are not justifiable because they are actually good at doing what they do, it’s just that they are too shy and do not have the confidence to let themselves shine and show other people what they can do.

Having normal interactions around people is another negative effect of shyness. The social life of shy people is greatly affected because of their shyness. They have a tendency to avoid crowds and withdraw themselves from groups and social interactions. This not only negatively impacts their social life but work, family and other aspects of their life as well.

While shyness has negative aspects, it also has a positive side. Shy people are naturally good observers and do not get themselves into too much trouble because they try to observe and assess their environment or any situation before making some actions. They are not impulsive and think twice before making any decisions.

Shy people also make great friends. Because they have difficulty in the social scene and making friends seems to be quite a task, they value their friends wholeheartedly and will try hard to nurture and maintain that relationship. They have proven to be loyal and thoughtful friends.

Although shyness is hereditary, it can be improved over time. Some shy people born with shy parents have successfully battled being shy because of constant self-improvement, developing their self-esteem and trying to be exposed to new environments.

Just because you are born with it doesn’t mean you have to stick with it. If you are a shy person and inherited this trait from your parents, you don’t have to bear with it for life.

Do something about it.

Become involved in activities that will make you interact with other people. Being shy initially is normal but as time goes by try to be at ease with the new people that you meet and be outgoing as much as possible.

Assess yourself and figure out your positive aspects. Show other people what area you are good at and you can offer them help if they want it. This will not only improve your social interactions with them but it will increase your self-confidence because you are good at something and people are appreciating and noticing that.  

Relax, be confident and don’t be shy.

Viewing Childhood Shyness

Viewing childhood shyness and what you can do about it

Among all people children are the ones who are shy most of the time.

It’s because children experience situations, meet new people and encounter a lot of things that they are unfamiliar with.

Most children who are shy outgrow this trait and become less shy in later life so shyness in children is normal.

Parents can do something about their children’s shyness through handling the problem themselves.

Shy children should be told that it is ok to make mistakes and encourage them to take risks. Parents should also constantly expose them to social environments so that they will get used to interacting with other people.

Encouraging children to participate in school activities such as contests, dances, and programs is another way for parents to help their children conquer their shyness. Parents should also learn how to be appreciative of their children’s accomplishments and praise them whenever they do something good. This will build up children’s confidence and will lessen their shyness.

In extreme cases of shyness or when a child’s shyness becomes agonizing and causes serious problems, parents should seek professional help.

So when does your child’s shyness become anything but normal? What are the signs to look out for to help you know when it is time to seek professional help already?

If your child is alone most of the time and has difficulty making friends or has no friends at all, then consider this as a red flag. It is natural for children to be shy around other kids but this should only be an initial reaction. Eventually the child should be at ease with other kids and will then start playing with them and make friends. A child that does not have any friends may be an indication of a serious social phobia problem.

Another sign to look out for is when your child is uncomfortable at social gatherings. During birthday parties and other social situations a child may refuse to participate in the activities or join other children. This is due to the fear of being embarrassed or scrutinized if anything goes wrong during the activity.

Tantrums, panic, freezing and uncontrollable crying when around unfamiliar people and strangers is another symptom of a serious disorder that needs to be addressed immediately. It is normal for children to be shy and intimidated when faced with strangers but if this happens too frequently and it becomes unbearable, then it is anything but normal.

Stuttering, stammering or other speech difficulties when talking to people is also a sign of a serious problem. Difficulty in speech may be caused by too much shyness and self-consciousness and is not at all healthy. Aside from this may be a major problem with the child’s interaction, it can also be a subject of ridicule from other kids that may even worsen the problem.

If other children are bullying your child or criticizing him or her because of being socially inept and shy, it is time to seek professional help. Kids bully other kids who are passive and shy because they know they can get away with it. A shy child will most of the time ignore the bullying and will refuse to talk about it with the parents or teachers.

Another red flag for parents is if the child does not want to go to school because of feelings of rejection or indifference. Because shy children have a hard time interacting with other children and most of the time is alone, they feel left out or unwanted. These feelings are not normal and should be resolved immediately.

An extremely shy child is also afraid to speak out his or her thoughts and opinions. Most of the time the child speaks in low tone or a hushed voice and this continues at an alarming level to the point that it actually hampers the child’s social skills.
 
Another sign that will let you know when it is time to seek professional help is if your child is having a hard time responding and communicating with others. Children who are extremely shy and have low self-esteem most of the time won’t talk or respond verbally when being spoken to.

Most of the time they respond with body language like nodding and shrugging but will refuse to make any verbal response for fear of saying the wrong thing.

More Tips on How to Overcome Shyness in the Classroom

How to help shy students in the classroom?

Being in school is a pressure in itself. The children and adolescent graders have to cope with several stimuli but the most significant of all is peer acceptance.

A certain level or degree of shyness is normal in specific social situations. Shyness or being withdrawn only becomes alarming if it has already affected so much a person’s daily routines and has already physical and physiological manifestations. These manifestations may be in the form of palpitations, shortness of breath, headaches and stomachaches.

Shyness can be a result of several environmental causes, specific experiences and temporary social problems. Most common source of shyness is speech impediment or conversational skills. These are possible especially if parents do not talk to their parents much or children do not receive positive responses when they converse with their parents.

It can also be the result of not interacting too often with peers. These students fear too much when they are being asked to answer questions inside the classroom.

School phobia is the condition often experienced by your budding kindergarteners or first graders. This is the first day of school hang ups by your kids because they are overwhelmed by their new surroundings outside of mommy’s reach.   We discussed this in depth in the previous chapter, but let’s explore it a bit more.

There are useful strategies to help these young, shy or withdrawn students to be out of their shells through active parent-teacher partnership, peer involvement, and psychological interventions.

Parent-Teacher Partnership

Parents and teachers can join forces to keep up with their young students and develop their self-confidence fully by continuous exposure and task delegations.

Here are some strategies for teachers:

• Suggest that the teacher re-arrange seating often so they make new friends and re-shuffle again until the student befriends all of his classmates.
   
• Encourage responses from them specifically during class recitations.
   
• Immediately next to encouraging is minimizing stress or embarrassment in front of the other students. If the student gave a wrong answer, do not embarrass him but instead praise the effort he gave and motivate him to try again.
   
• Give special tasks to especially shy students to make them feel important and make them responsible students.
   
• Engage in private conversations if necessary to monitor their progress and report them to the students’ parents.
   
• Make use of interest inventories so that you will be informed of your shy students’ likes and dislikes. You can use this as a basis for learning activities.
   
• Exhibit the good artwork or assignment of your shy students to develop their self-worth and confidence.
   
• Help them create a welcome greetings ritual to engage them in social interactions.
   
• Set social development goals, at least five, that they will have to do to develop their skills or let them undergo training in assertiveness, articulation and initiate peer interactions among your students.
   
• Give them specific roles in the classroom that will initiate interactions too among them as students.
   
• Discourage discrimination and teasing among your students and explain to them well how these acts can hamper in building good friendships and engage them in worthwhile peer contacts.
   
• Monitor students if they are daydreaming all the time.
   
• Use the buddy system wherein two students can act as partners and promote their friendship especially if the other student is popular.

As parents:

Be a good model to your children. Admit that you are not always confident and that at times during your early years, you acted bashful too.

Give children a good reason to be outgoing by explaining to them the benefits of being that way. Supply them with your own personal examples. Tell them that in becoming outgoing they will gain more friends, enjoy life more and school too.

Whenever your child is afraid to interact, show empathy. Share her feelings and apprehensions and how you too are sometimes afraid to interact.

Never label your child as “shy” because if he continuously hears that then he believes he is one and continues to act that way.

Make a reward chart of outgoing behavior. In that way, they will be encouraged and they will look forward to doing it as they see star stickers being added to the chart each time they fulfill one goal.

As a parent, become a model of outgoing behavior. Children oftentimes look up to you and imitate you as their parents.

Let your children be exposed to unfamiliar places and people.

Encourage your children to interact with others. Warning, never push your child because this can cause pressure on them. Opt for a more gradual improvement.

Within the earshot of your kids, praise others for their outgoing behavior. But be careful not to compare them.

Help your children to interact with other children through role playing and rehearsals.

Peer Involvement

It is best if the school has cross-age tutoring programs. In this way they can engage children to interact with other children and create the atmosphere of camaraderie and helping one another.
If the teacher can ask some peers or students to become confederates and help shy children cope and be confident.
Teachers, too, can create activities that require the formation of small group and cooperative learning activities.

Other psychological help:

According to experts, encourage shy children to join volunteer groups or recreational groups outside school.
Delegate them to messenger roles, those that require communication.

These suggestions for your children will help them overcome their shyness wherever they are – in the classroom or outside. It is just a matter of soliciting help from the right people and by not treating shyness as some sort of illness, negativity or the fault of the child.

Shyness as a trait can also turn out to be positive and should often be referred to as constructive like being “reserved or private.” Children may not be shy at all but only quiet and are just happy in being with themselves. Do not push them hard but instead encourage them to explore and enjoy the world.

How to Develop Life Skills to Fight Shyness

“Shyness” has this connotation of something negative, considered as a personality problem or fault. But this is the most common condition which can be felt by anyone at any one point in their life, regardless of status, even if you are just an ordinary person or a celebrity.

No one can be exempted from feeling shy even the likes of former President and Mrs. Jimmy Carter, Barbara Walters, Nicole Kidman, Johnny Carson, Sally Field, Ella Fitzgerald, Henry Fonda, Farrah Fawcett Majors, Sigourney Weaver and Gloria Estefan. All of these celebrities and personalities were considered shy at one time in their life.

So, what is wrong with being shy? The shy people of the world are known to be the “silent majority.” Did you know that almost half of the Americans in the United States are shy? Another interesting finding is that shy men marry much later in life. People who are experiencing shyness is on the increase too, an estimated 10 percent over the last decade. And a significant effect of shyness is people missing out on opportunities. 

The key to converting shyness into something positive is to develop life skills that will diminish the effect or impact of such a feeling or condition in our life.  Again, to a certain degree, shyness is normal. But if it already hinders a person’s development and relationship with others, it becomes a disabling impediment.

One great life skill that people should invest in is the improvement of their social skills. Imagine the benefits you would gain if you take time to rid yourself of self-doubt.  It will make your life happy and simpler.  You are more confident in handling any social situation that you may encounter.

Sociable people are who others love to be around. These kinds of people are good at starting conversations and maintaining people’s interest in what they are saying until they reach the end. These people are oftentimes the life of the party. They have the ability to handle difficult and awkward situations and are graceful enough to accept that not all share their opinions. They can, too, accept rejection and most often are appreciated by the people around them.

Social skills will also help a person develop the ability to read non-verbal communication like body language, to solve problems creatively and critically and to iron out sensitive situation with almost little effort.

Do you want to learn all these skills? Then be ready to hear these six great tips to improve your social skills.

1. Good communication and listening skills are the boosters in developing social skills. They are the ultimate skills that will help you get the most out of any social conditions.
 
2. Learn to read non-verbal communication such as body language, gestures and facial expressions. Body language and facial expressions are equally powerful as the words coming out of someone’s mouth. Moreover, there are certain messages that just cannot be expressed through words and these are important in your interactions with people.

3. Bear in mind that social skills are not developed overnight. It is a process that you have to undergo if you want your skills to be effective for you and your interaction with others. Focus only on one or two personality traits you have and develop them through constant exposure and practice. Changing yourself all at the same time will just backfire and you will not achieve your desired effect. Let your development work for you.

4. Become responsible for your own behavior and never be afraid to admit your mistakes. It will not only develop your social skills but it will also make you a “real” person.

5. Listen first to what others have to say before you respond. This is where many people make a huge mistake.  Nobody seems to listen anymore, everybody wants to speak. Hear first the person’s intent then offer suggestions and comments right after he made his point.

6. Become aware of your own interaction with other people. Learn from the mistakes of others by observing them and their actions, specifically those actions that prod you to respond negatively. After learning this, you may need to modify your own behavior to make most experiences pleasing for you and others.
  
After achieving these skills, these can also go hand in hand with good verbal communication skills by:

1. Sending clear messages and not mixing them up. Be sure that your facial expressions, gestures and words match to give the correct message.

2. An important element in communication is making eye contact. This exudes sincerity from the speaker and makes your eyes sparkle.

3. When sending messages, make your whole body talk.

4. Better be sure to use the right and appropriate words.

5. Nothing is better than having a speaker pronounce words correctly. It is so pleasing to the ear.

6. Your voice has varying volumes so use them appropriately. If you’re speaking to a small group, there is no need to modulate but if you are speaking to a larger group, be prepared to modulate and speak loud and clear.

7. Never stammer and avoid saying “huh.” Enunciate words clearly and appropriately.

8. If you are speaking publicly and for the whole day, be prepared to animate your voice or you will bore your audience to death. Use dynamics and avoid monotones. Make your pitch raise and lower during appropriate times.

9. Use appropriate pacing. Do not speak as if you are in a hurry. This will make you appear to be unsure of what you are saying.

10. Develop your voice more. If you are already a good speaker do not stop developing even more because this will increase your effectiveness.

With all these skills, you are well equipped to combat your shyness or if you still feel it at times during social gatherings, it will be more manageable until such time that your shyness is already history.

Shyness and Anxiety

Shyness is not social anxiety or phobia

Ella is oftentimes having difficulty in handling classroom recitation. Her speech is slurred while giving her answers to her professor, though she knew that her answers are all correct. Her classmates and friends always encourage her to engage in classroom discussions. It took time before she could muster the confidence to do so. But through our constant push and our professor’s complements about how bright Ella is, she soon overcame her difficulty and was able to speak clearly in class.

Kathy, on the other hand, do not go to school anymore because of her fear in encountering people. She tries hard to avoid meeting people and social situations. If she is in school and somebody approaches her, her palms become sweaty and her heart starts to beat fast.  She oftentimes feels sick to her stomach as soon as she approaches the classroom to the point of feeling that she will soon have a fever or the flu.  Most of the time, she is absent in class and does not go outside of her house.

If you are to describe the condition of Ella and Kathy, you will notice that the first condition presented was a mild anxiety or better known as shyness and was reversed by the help of the support system she has and gained her confidence.

While Kathy’s condition is much more severe, chronic and excruciating, her condition cannot be dismissed as simple shyness but this is what is known to be social anxiety or better known as social phobia, the third most common psychiatric condition after depression and alcohol use.

Kathy’s condition can be described as too much fear of something so unreasonable and what is more disturbing are the physical and physiological manifestations. It is a disabling fear of embarrassment and humiliation because it reaches a point that it disrupts a person’s everyday life.

Most often because it is dangerously dismissed as simple shyness, when diagnosed accurately, it has already led to something more serious. Eighty-one percent of the victims have already become affected with mental disorder – 61 percent suffered panic disorder and 90 percent having clinical depression. Others turn to alcohol, making 75 percent of those suffering social phobia alcoholic.

Commonly-experienced symptoms of social phobia

Those people who suffer this condition may make even the most benign situation appear as something to be frightened of and be terrified with, thus producing symptoms such as uncontrollable sweating, trembling, heart palpitations, wobbly legs and feet and a feeling of intensified fear. Other symptoms noticed include:

Persistent fear of any social situation

Frightened of people with authority and doing everything just to avoid them

Intense fear of talking, speaking to strangers or even meeting new people

Terrified by the thought that others would notice their catching of breath, blushing, difficulty in speaking, thus judge them critically

No matter how hard they try, they seem unable to control themselves; do not act cool and calm even if they know that their fears are too unreasonably excessive.

Social phobia or anxiety is common to both men and women across cultures. There is an estimated three percent of the population suffering from this condition but other studies suggest the figure to be at eight to 15 percent. Forty percent of the population suffering developed the condition prior to the age of ten while 95 percent developed the condition before the age of 20.

Another finding reveals that almost 5.3 million American adults or 3.7 percent of the population suffer from social anxiety disorder and that women are twice likely to experience the condition than men. 

If social phobia remains undetected or unattended, it can lead to the development of other disorders such as depression, avoidant personality disorder, eating disorders, abuse of drugs and alcohol and even suicide.

Social phobia or anxiety may be developed by a person who experienced a traumatic event in his life or observed a friend in traumatic situations. Family environmental factors can also cause this condition especially if the child has little opportunity to have social interactions with others and that parents have used a very avoidant and controlling technique over their children.

Usually people who suffer from social phobia have a very different thinking style which is concerned with negative evaluation. This gives the patient intense feelings of worthlessness. Also, those who suffer from this often focus their attention on the wrong things. They focus too much on the negative and lastly they avoid all social situations that result in anxious feelings.

Fortunately for those who are on the brink or even those who suffer this condition can be treated with a combination of medications and therapy (cognitive, behavior and graded exposure therapy).

If you think your fear of something is too excessive, do not hesitate to seek professional help immediately than be sorry in the end and suffer a much worse condition than social phobia.

Battling Shyness and Low Self-Esteem for a Better Life

Shyness deprives a person so many wonderful things. Shyness deprives one the many opportunities and possibilities that a whole lifetime can offer.

A shy child can miss out on the chance of playing a big role in a school play. A shy teenager can lose the opportunity of becoming a part of an active organization. An adult can miss the likelihood of getting a good job or a better position because of lack of assertiveness.

What Causes Some People to Become Extremely Shy?

There are variations of shyness among different people. Some only have the ‘occasional shyness,’ when they are in very uncomfortable situations.

Some people on the other hand have extreme cases of shyness. This can completely hinder the growth and lifestyle of the person as the shyness defines the whole being of the person.

There are many causes that will make a person shy. One major culprit is having a low self esteem.

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem characterizes the belief of the person in his or her own self. This includes the faith of the person in his or her own dignity, value and capabilities. The self-esteem of a person serves as an assurance that he or she can stand up and take action no matter what happens.

People with high self-esteem can do many things. They view life very positively.

They are confident. They are free. They enjoy life, even the difficulties and the challenges. They express what they feel. They stand up for what they believe in.

This is what shy people often lack, the proper self-esteem. Shyness has become correlative with having a low self-esteem as most withdrawn people see interaction and active lifestyle as pointless.

Some develop low self-esteem because they may have undergone some bad experiences in the past. They could have been treated badly by their loved ones or some nasty things may have been said in their skills or performance.

They turned out feeling that other people will end up better than they do in whatever they do. They think that there is no point in asserting themselves as other people can take better control of things.

This should not be the case. Every individual is unique from others.  Every person has worth and something to offer to the rest of the world.

Things a Person Can Do to Increase the Self-Esteem and Overcome Shyness

1. One can start expressing the self in other mediums. This is to reassure the self of the many capabilities and potentials that may be developed.

This is also a good way to start discovering good things about the self. The activities could include writing, painting, drawing or photography.

2. Talk to a relative, a friend, a mentor or anybody you trust the most. Confide what is happening. Express what you feel. It could be that all that is needed is someone who understands.

3. Some people may require talking to a counselor or an expert, especially those who went through a more challenging past. Do not hesitate. They can very well help in resolving the conflicts or confusions.

4. Review aspects about the self that one is good at. Try doing these things more often. Praise and reward the self for every successful outcome.

5. Avoid doing so many things at the same time. This could lead to confusion and frustration if nothing gets accomplished.

It is best not to give too much pressure on your self. Just keep things grounded. Stick to one thing you are good at. Eventually things will pick up and be happy for any good results.

6. Do things to make yourself happy. Do not worry yourself about pleasing other people. They are probably preoccupied with themselves anyway. So just focus on your own life.

7. Find a love one to hug. Hugging may be a very simple act, but this could very well give warmth to a dampened spirit.
A person should not allow the low self-esteem to hinder him or her from realizing the true potentials. Shyness and low self-esteem can be overcome. Take the steps to make the ample change. There is only one lifetime a person can enjoy. One must make the most out of every minute of it.

How Social Expectations Affect Shy People

Almost every individual would have experienced being shy at least once in their lifetime. They may be very shy as a child. Some may be very reluctant in their teenage years. Others may have bouts of shyness in certain situations even in their adult years.

Thus, shyness is not a new thing to most people. To some, it is something that can be overcome as time and years pass by.

However, to other people, this is a usual reality. There are too many social expectations, yet shyness has taken into extreme levels. This should not be the case, because many lives have been ruined and lots of potentials may not be realized because of shyness.

Again, shyness is characterized by the lack of ability or complete disregard to interact and express the self to other people. This personality is often associated with the people who suffer from having low self-esteem.

This is basically characterized by lack of confidence in the self and lack of faith in the skills and capabilities. This person has the tendency to think that any thing or venture he or she does will result into a complete failure.

Thus, to most people who want to address the problem of shyness, the best resort is to build up on the self-esteem.

Reviewing Self-Esteem

In contrast with the people who suffer from the low self-esteem, the ideal personality is one who has a good self-esteem. Self-esteem is defined by the confidence a person has in his or her self. This is the actual belief in own merits, worth and purpose.

A person with the right self-esteem is capable of doing many things because he or she has a good idea of the things that can be done with excellence. This person is capable of becoming successful, financially stable, having lots of friends and even having meaningful relationships.

These are some of the things that make high self-esteem a desirable value, especially in this complicated world we are living in.

Why Do Some People Lack Confidence and Become Shy? There are many reasons that make a person become shy.

There are those who consider this as part of the genetic makeup of the individual. Truly, there are some people who are predisposed in being introverted. However, these people often have a creative outlet to express themselves like photography, sculpture, music or painting.

There are also some cultures that really encourage their citizens to become timid and shy. There are still instances where women must behave according to a certain code. They must be reserved and be not expressive.

However, the two examples above are more of the exceptional circumstances. Majority of the cases of shyness are the result of psychological factors.

Some people may have been too hurt, unloved or rejected as a child. These undesirable events during the childhood contribute very much into shaping a shy attitude. Some cases also are due to lack of attention or display of affection.

These are just some of the factors that affect shy people. It is imperative to be aware of these as to not encourage the development of such character.

Social Expectations and Shyness

The social expectation is another matter for shy people. Usually, people expect too much from the person. Society even encourages such, given that we live today in a very competitive world.

Someone who lacks confidence may not be able to live up with such expectations. Often times, such social expectations may further frustrate the self-esteem of the person.

Thus, it is imperative to be aware of the pressures and expectations exerted into a shy person. Be conscious of these forces as they will not help in the situation.

Here, instead, are some tips to be able to boost the self-esteem:

1. Talk to the person and give words of encouragement.

2. Find a special skill the shy person is good at. Praise it and encourage it.

3. Make the person feel capable of doing things. Provide goals that are simple. Make him or her realize any accomplishments then progress with time.

4. Listen to the person well when he or she speaks or shares something. This helps in boosting confidence.

5. Provide love and affection. A simple hug will do a lot.

Conclusion

Life is about discovering and expressing the true self. It is also about interacting with other people. It is about enjoying the blessings in this world with wonderful individuals that can make life more colorful.

How Shyness Can Lead to Stress and Anxiety

Shyness is a problem experienced by many different people today. Shyness can plague anyone from young children, to full grown adults and can cause many debilitating effects, such as feelings of fear or apprehension, increased stress and anxiety. It can even lead to harmful physical symptoms.

 It is characterized by a feeling of insecurity or distress when faced with unfamiliar people or situations. Shy people tend to feel a sense of inadequacy when interacting with others. Individuals who are afflicted with this trait tend to avoid such circumstances, thus causing them to have undeveloped social skills.

People with shyness have difficulty conversing with other people. They often have trouble thinking of things to say and even if they do, they find it hard to speak up.

Shyness can be very detrimental to a person's lifestyle. Shy people tend to have difficulty making friends. They lose out on some valuable experiences that add to their well-being. Shy adults will have a difficult time find a job or excelling in the workplace where assertiveness is well valued.

Shyness and failure to overcome it can lead to an increase in stress levels as well as anxiety. If this behavior is allowed to escalate it can lead to problematic health issues.

Shyness can either be the cause or effect of anxiety so they are directly related and are often found together. This can be greatly debilitating to one's health.

Anxiety is generally defined as a state of feeling uneasy. It often includes other negative feelings such apprehension and fear. The severity of anxiety varies from person to person; more severe cases can cause physical sensations such as, nausea, bodily discomfort, difficult breathing and palpitations. More severe, long lasting or recurring cases of anxiety can be diagnosed as anxiety disorders and can result in panic attacks.

There are many different types of anxiety disorders. Generalized anxiety disorder is the most common form. It is commonly manifested as a general feeling of fear and apprehension or constant anxiety. The physical symptoms include short-breath and palpitations of the heart. People from this may suffer dizziness and headaches.

There is also a feeling of physical and mental tension as well as heightened stress. Those with generalized anxiety disorder find themselves constantly worried or fretful over various, nonspecific situations that they find troublesome. People with this disorder find themselves even more unwilling to commit themselves to social situations.

A phobia is a strong irrational fear of a specific source. The person suffering from a phobia might even realize that their fear is irrational but are unable to control their fear and anxiety. Those with phobias will strive to avoid their source of fear at all cost. Phobias can range from any object or thing such as a fear of insects to phobias related to certain situations, such as fear of being in confined spaces, or fear of flying.

A type of phobia is social anxiety disorder which graver than common shyness. Those who feel extreme fear and anxiety when faced with social situations suffer from this. People with this disorder greatly fear having to speak or perform in public. They constantly worry about being humiliated or negatively judged.

When faced with difficult social situations, they will experience extreme anxiety and exhibit physical symptoms such as shaking, heightened perspiration, increased heart rate and difficult breathing. These people will avoid these types of situations, so much so, that it hampers the person's lifestyles. They might not be able to go school or any public places thus severely restricting their opportunities and way of life.

Those with extreme anxiety can suffer from panic attacks. Panic attacks are short but intense attacks of extreme fear and apprehension. These generally last for 10 minutes or less and can cause physical symptoms such as chest pains, nausea and shaking fits. Panic attacks are also known to be mistaken for heart attacks.

Shyness is also a big contributor to a person's stress levels. Too much stress can harmful to the body. Stress is known to be one of the biggest contributors to ill health. It can cause and aggravate illnesses like heart failure and can also disrupt the digestive system.

Stress triggers the release of adrenaline and can cause the depletion of the adrenal glands. Excess adrenaline can cause irritability, hyperactive, as well as insomnia.

Shyness when left unchecked can be detrimental not only mental, but physical health as well. Anxiety and stress, which can be caused by shyness can be the basis for poor health and illness.

It's important to take this into account and to take positive steps to alleviate a person's shyness. This will help to maintain excellent psychological and bodily health.

Controlling shyness will reduce stress.  Another way to reduce stress is by adjusting diet.  In the following chapter we will look at how the foods we eat can contribute to stress.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Tips for shaking your shyness

1. Conversation topics-never leave home without them.

2. Let people know you're shy.

3. Reward effort not outcome!

4. Make things easy for the other person.

5. Pick one social skill to practice at a time

6. Take classes

1. Conversation Topics-never leave home without them.  Good conversationalists are rarely at a loss for words because: 1) they do so many things and go so many places that they have lots to talk about or 2) they prepare.  Good conversationalists never leave home without something to say to the people they think they'll be seeing that day.  If they're going to a party, they brush up on topics of interest to the people they know will be attending.  Before returning to work on a Monday, they think about the activities their colleagues had planned for the weekend.  They brush up on current events, the weather and anything else that might be the small-talk they need to get a conversation going or to keep it going.  Never leave home without at least a half-dozen things to talk about.  [See how business people prepare.]
   
   Note---this may seem like a lot of work at first, but you'll be surprised.  As you get in the habit of preparing things to say each day, the preparation phase will become so automatic, you won't even notice you're doing it anymore.  At least not until you do what most of us do.  You get lazy.  And you'll know when it happens, too.  You'll start running out of things to say and it will be harder to carry on conversations with people---even people you know quite well.  But don't despair.  Just get back with the program and prepare!

2. Let people know you're shy.  This is a controversial subject.  Some people recommend that you never tell people you're shy, because people will use that information to label you.  Then again, if you avoid people, look down instead of making eye contact, stammer and stutter or turn three shades of purple when you're uncomfortable in social situations, people are going to draw conclusions of their own and odds are they'll be less favorably impressed with you than if you just tell it like it is---that you're nervous or feeling shy.
   
   I think the problem arises because there are two ways to be shy---the obvious way and the not so obvious way.  The obvious way to be shy is to blush, tremble, twitch or otherwise physically manifest your shyness.  The not so obvious way is to avoid eye contact with people, not have much to say or decline offers from others you'd like to accept, but that are too far outside of your comfort zone for you to feel comfortable attending.

Not so obvious shy people are often mistaken as arrogant or aloof---even by fellow shy people--when nothing could be farther from the truth.  We're terrified on the inside.  It's just that we don't show it on the outside.  Now granted, if you're a not so obvious shy person in the middle of a crucial business negotiation where power is everything, you may not want to admit to being shy.  In fact, in this one case, your shyness may prove to be an asset.  Why not keep them guessing?  Or, if you're hanging around people who are known to be bullies or gossips---people who are likely to misuse the information---you may want to keep your shyness to yourself.  The good news is that most people aren't like that.  Most people are relieved to hear that you're shy. You see, odds are that unless they have a reason to know better, most people will interpret your not so obvious shyness as a sign of arrogance or being stuck up, or simply as a sign that you don't like them.  [Caroline Knapp didn't understand how her shyness was being interpreted by others until she overheard her neighbors talking about her behind her house http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1999/03/05feature.html]

But if you are an obvious shy person, there's no need to hide your shyness.  Let's face it.  The word is already out.  Trying to ignore your shyness only makes you and the people around you uncomfortable.  Labeling your shyness makes things easier for people because they don't have to pretend they're not seeing what they're seeing.  They don't have to avoid making eye contact with you, because they see you're uncomfortable.  They don't have to exclude you from the conversation, because they see that your hands are trembling.  By telling people you're shy, you've told them that you want to be a part of what's going on and that it's OK if they notice you're a little uncomfortable. And that helps them feel more comfortable, too.

**** Crucial Information ****
Whether you're an obvious shy person or a not so obvious shy person---or like me, a person who vacillated back and forth---the goal of telling someone you're shy is not to enlist their sympathy!!!!!  It is to explain why you're acting the way you are.  Your explanation will only take you so far.  You have to do something about your shyness, as well.  You have to show people you're making an effort to get over it.  You're enlisting their patience and their support, not their pity, as you fumble through the process of learning what you need to know to feel more comfortable.  They have every right to get tired of carrying more than their fair share of the weight of a relationship, if you're not trying to carry yours.  However, I find most people are pretty generous as long as you make an effort to hold up part of the relationship.  Many people even get a kick out of seeing you get stronger and watching you grow.  Just remember, it's your responsibility to give something back to the relationship.  Start small.  Make more eye contact.  Smile more often.  Prepare topics of conversation.  Be helpful in the ways you feel most comfortable and expand on the range of things your feel comfortable doing over time--one step at a time.

3. Reward effort not outcome!   Memorize this one, because it's absolutely critical for conquering your shyness---or anything else you want to master, for that matter.  The only thing we can control in our life is our self---and even that can be a stretch sometimes.  We can't control other people and we certainly can't control how other people react to us and the things we do.  Nevertheless, most of us define our successes and failures by the way other people relate to us.  If we smile and they smile back, well good.  But if we smile and they don't smile too, we see it as a failure.  WRONG!!!   You won't get very far that way.

-- In fact, at least  in my book, what you did was a smashing success.  You tried.  You made an effort and that's all you can be responsible for.  You can't control how other people respond to you.  Sure, you can look back on your effort and speculate about things you can do to improve your performance next time, but at that very moment--at the precise time that you smiled, you made an effort and it's your effort that needs to be rewarded.

-- Now about this reward thing.  I mean that literally.  You must reward yourself!  It may be something as simple as a silent pat on the back--saying to yourself, "You did it!"  Or it may something bigger like going out somewhere, doing something fun or buying yourself a treat.  Back when I started working on my shyness, I used to reward myself with things like a walk through a park, an espresso and a good book, or piece of sheet music.  Once in awhile, I'd even by a record "album" or a new set of guitar strings, if I'd taken a particularly big risk "for me."  

-- Notice, I said "for me."  There were times when saying "hi" first, smiling at someone I didn't know, striking up a conversation with a colleague at a conference--even driving to the parking lot of an event, would be a big risk for me.  The size of a risk is determined by how big it is to you, not how big it is to your best friend, your next door neighbor or even the eight year old kid down the street.  If it's big to you, then it's big.  No questions asked.  Give yourself a big reward.  You deserve it.

-- But If you don't reward yourself, please be advised you may live to regret it.  Why?  Because you'll burn out and get discouraged.  Brace yourself, because here's the part you don't want to hear.  Sometimes your efforts will fail miserably.  So miserably you'll want to crawl under a table and hide.  And when you get home, you'll have that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.  I know from personal experience that being rewarded for your efforts sure feels good about now.   And quite frankly, you  deserve a reward!  You did what you were supposed to do.  You tried!  It's important to acknowledge all of your efforts, if you hope to have the strength to keep going when the going isn't so good.

4. Make things easy for the other person.  This is a tuff one, because as shy people, most of us are too busy worrying about ourselves---about how we look, what we say and whether other people will like us--- to stop and think about what we can do for other people.  But really, that's what being social is about---the other person, not us.  Dale Carnegie knew that.  He built a career on teaching people how to make other people feel good.  In his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, he lists principle after principle for putting people at ease and helping them feel special.  

Sadly, I picked up Dale's book, years ago and like the shy somewhat critical person I was at the time, I promptly put it down.  Not only did I not see the point---I thought it sounded phony---but I didn't have the courage to implement his recommendations.  Looking back, I realize that the lack of courage was the real problem, because phoniness comes from within.  If I do something because I mean it---even if it feels awkward at first---that's not being phony.  It's just part of learning.

The truth of the matter is, whether we like it or not,  we need to learn how to make things easy for other people.  What it really boils down to is that life is like a convenience store.  Most people are willing to pay more and get less for the sake of convenience.  We are more likely to get to know people who make it easy for us to get to know them than people who put obstacles in our way.  It doesn't matter if one person is as nice as another person, as kind as another person, as bright as another person or even has as much in common with us as another person.  The person who makes it easier for us to get to know him will be the person we are more likely to get to know.

Think about it.  If two people were standing at next to your at a bus stop, one smiled, made eye contact, said hello and commented on the weather, while the other person avoided eye contact, kept to himself and looked down at his feet, who would you be most likely to get to know?  Probably the first person, because the first person took the initiative and made it easier for you to get to know him.  But as shy people, we are more likely to act like the second person and construct a silent barrier of avoided glances, sagging posture and general body language that discourages people from approaching.

Consider this . . . step by ever so small step, begin opening yourself up to other people.  It could be with a smile, eye contact or a simple hello.  Start small and work your way up to bigger and better things.  Think about how it feels to be the other person.  What they need to feel good. Remember, there's almost a fifty-fifty chance that they they feel shy too.  Put yourself in their shoes and do what you think it would take to make them feel good.  That's not phoniness, that's kindness.

5. Pick one social skill to practice at a time.  You don't need to become a social butterfly overnight--and it's unlikely you could if you tried.  What you can do is build a strong foundation of social skills one skill at a time.  By picking one or maybe two skills to practice at a time, you can concentrate your energy and increase the likelihood you'll be successful.  I started by working on simple things like smiling or being the first person to say "hi."  But while I said "simple things," I'm well aware that even simple things can be terrifying when you feel shy.  Choose skills you feel comfortable enough with to practice for a day, a week, a month or even a year.  When I started, I practiced some skills for a year before I moved on to something new, while I only practiced other skills for a day or two.  It's up to you to decide what's best for you.

Need some ideas about where to start, check out the tips sections of Don Gabor's web site, books on social skills and etiquette, surf the net for ideas or check back here from time to time to see if I've added new links to sites on social skills. 

6. Take classes  Shyness has a way of building on itself.  Because we're shy, we don't do things.  We don't go to the party, take the class or join the club.  Our interests dwindle---or at least  those interests that involve other people---until finally, when we do have an opportunity to interact with other people, our social skills are rusty and we have nothing to say.  Not exactly what I would call a confidence building experience. 

That's where adult community education classes come in.  Adult community education classes provide us with an opportunity to build our social skills (I teach classes like Learn to Schmooze, Begin and Continue Conversations and Goal-Oriented Communication) as well as an opportunity to expand our horizons with anything from canoeing and glass-blowing classes to bicycle maintenance and cooking.  Then when someone asks you what you did this weekend, instead of saying nothing, you can say you blew a glass vase or that you learned how to make exquisite crepes.

I know some of you are going to say that you're too shy to take a class---that it's stressful for you to find the classroom, let alone enter the room and take your seat.  But know that you're not alone.  Remember, odds are that nearly fifty percent of the people in the room  feel the same way you do.

By focusing on adult community education classes----many of which only meet once or twice for a few hours---you can get your feet wet without having to make a long term commitment.  I recommend that people take one social skills class (although these are often harder to find, read a book if you can't find one) followed by one or two interest classes (like a craft class or how to buy a new home) where you can practice one or more of your new skills on your fellow classmates. 

Most cities have adult education programs of some sort offered through community colleges, parks and recreation departments, universities, community centers, or privately owned companies that specialize in adult education.  I strongly encourage you to give them a try and, heaven forbid, you have a bad experience, I encourage you to try again.  Remember, getting over shyness is a process. It won't happen overnight.  You have to stick with it, if you expect to overcome it. Don't give up now.

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The New View

"My ex-wife picked me to marry her, so getting married wasn't a problem. I didn't want to get divorced, even though she was cheating on me, became I would be back out there trying to socialize. [But] I have a computer job now, and one of my strengths is that I work well alone."

Traditionally, shyness is viewed as an intrapersonal problem, arising within certain individuals as a result of characteristics such as excessive self-consciousness, low self-esteem and anticipation of rejection. The survey responses have shown, however, that shyness is also promoted by outside forces at work in our culture, and perhaps around the globe.

In addition, our research has led us to conclude that there is nothing at all wrong with being shy. Certainly shyness can control people and make them ineffective in classroom, social and business situations. Respondents told us that they feel imprisoned by their shyness. It is this feeling that seems to be at the core of their pain. But ironically, we find that the way to break out of the prison of shyness may be to embrace it thoroughly. There are many steps the shy can take to develop satisfying relationships without violating their basic nature.

The Cynically Shy

"My shyness has caused major problems in my personal/ social life. I have a strong hate for most people. I also have quite a superiority complex. I see so much stupidity and ignorance in the world that I feel superior to virtually everyone out there. I'm trying [not to], but it's hard."

Of the many voices of shy individuals we "heard" in response to our survey, one in particular emerged very clearly. Among the new patterns our analysis identified was a group I call the cynically shy. These are people who have been rejected by their peers because of their lack of social skills. They do not feel connected to others--and they are angry about it. They feel a sense of alienation. And like the so-called trench coat mafia in Littleton, Colorado, they adapt a stance of superiority as they drift away from others.

Their isolation discourages them from having a sense of empathy, and this leads them to dehumanize others and take revenge against them. This process is the same one used by the military to train young boys to kill. The difference is, the military is now in your house, on your TV, in your video games.

Inside the Shy Mind

"As we talked, I felt uneasy. I worried about how I looked, what I said, how I said what I said, and so forth. Her compliments made me uncomfortable."

One of the solutions to shyness is a greater understanding of its internal dynamics. It is important to note that a critical feature of shyness is a slowness to warm up. Shy people simply require extra time to adjust to novel or stressful situations, including even everyday conversations and social gatherings.

They also need more time to master the developmental hurdles of life. The good news is that shy people eventually achieve everything that everyone else does--they date, marry, have children. The bad news is, it takes them a little longer.

An unfortunate consequence of the shy being on this delayed schedule is that they lack social support through many important life experiences. When they start dating and want to talk about first-date jitters, for example, their peers will be talking about weddings. As a result, the shy may need to take an especially active role in finding others who are in their situation. One way is to build social support by starting groups of like-minded people. Another is to seek out existing groups of shy people, perhaps via the Internet. While technology often works against the shy, it can also lend them an unexpected helping hand.

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Parenting The Shy Child

You see, shyness robs people of opportunities in life.  And while many children outgrow shyness with time, for those of us who carry our shyness forward into adulthood, life becomes one series of missed opportunities after another.  Anything you can do to ease your child's shyness will, in turn, decrease the number of opportunities your child misses over the course of his/her life.  And that, is truly a gift.

So then, what can a parent do?

Identify the nature of your child's shyness.  Children are shy in different ways for different reasons.  Understanding the nature of your child's shyness will help you develop a program geared towards your child's specific needs.  Is your child shy in groups?  At parties?  Meeting new people?  In novel situations?  Or, pretty much everywhere?  Does your child have trouble eating in public?  Playing with other children?  Making phone calls?  Or, is your child only shy when s/he has to make a presentation in front of the class at school?  Knowing the nature of you child's shyness will help you identify the specific skills your child needs to be more at ease in social situations.

Sometimes, though, children struggle with more than shyness.  There are a number of conditions that masquerade as, or can lead to, shyness---many of which require professional attention.  Some children struggle with non--verbal learning disabilities or Asperger's Syndrome which interfere with their ability to read social cues and understand how to enter and exit play or answer questions at an appropriate level), other children struggle with extreme anxiety, while still others have difficulty establishing emotional bonds with other people. The good news is that most of these conditions benefit from supportive structured environments that emphasize the development of social skills, strategies for managing anxiety, impulses and the ability to both read and relate to other people on an emotional level.  The specific nature of the social skills and treatment strategies, however, is likely to vary with your child's needs.  When in doubt seek professional help from someone who has a track record of experience in this area.

Role model confident social behavior.  Children learn by watching the people around them.  Parents that means you!  With time, your ability to approach others and put them at ease can help to put your child at ease, too. 

       Do . . .

• Go first in social situations.  Be the first person to say "Hi," to introduce yourself or to strike up conversations.
• Make a list of the kinds of things you would like your child to feel comfortable doing (e.g., talking with other children, asking for help from store clerks, making phone calls, etc) and make a point of doing these things in front of your child.
• Be friendly.  Routinely smile, say high and greet the people you see as you go through your day.
• Compliment others often.  Notice what you like about people (friends, family and strangers alike).  Tell a stranger you like their hat or a friend how wonderful their dinner was.
• Make an effort to help other people when you see they are in need.  Open doors for people, pick things up when people drop them or offer to carry things for friends.
• Role model taking risks and learning from them. Help your children learn by making positive comments about how you felt while you did things.  Things like: "I thought that would be harder than it was."  "That wasn't much fun, but I'm glad I did it and got it out of the way.  At least now I don't have to worry about it."  Or, "That didn't go as well as I thought it would, but at least I know what to do next time."
• Enroll in social skills classes and let your children know that you're going.  Bring back the things you learn from class and share them with your family and friends.  I routinely encourage parents (shy or not) who take my social skills classes to practice their new found handshake, conversation and introduction skills with their children, friends and family.  Don't be surprised if your new skills make great party conversation, too.  Most people struggle with social skills and are eager learn what you know so they can try it out themselves.  Show your children that learning new skills from a class is a good thing.

       Don't . . .

• Cross the street to avoid people you are too nervous to see.
• Embarrass your child in public.
• Criticize people in public.
• Berate yourself for having failed when you try things and they don't turn out the way you would like.
• Berate your children when they make a mistake.

• Start by modeling little things for your children like opening doors for other people when you go to the store or into restaurants.
• Take advantage of opportunities to practice being assertive in front of your children by asking how much longer it will be before you're seated at restaurants or asking sales clerks how an appliance works.
• Make an extra effort to practice social skills with your children at home .  There's a good chance that teaching handshakes, introductions and conversation skills to your children will enhance your skills as well. 

• Arrange play dates for your children when they are young and seek out safe places for your children to interact with others and practice social skills as they get older (e.g., volunteer work, tutoring younger children, clubs and other structured activities with supportive group leaders).
• Teach your children how to enter and exit groups and how to read other people's signals (see Recommended Readings for books on how to do this).
• Help your children understand what it takes to make and keep a good friend.  I particularly like the book How Kids Make Friends . . . Secrets For Making Lots of Friends No Matter How Shy You Are.  While written for children, most adults could benefit from this book, as well.  It's not that we don't know the material, it's just that we get so busy it's easy to forget to use it.
• Practice social skills at home.  Buy an etiquette book and schedule an etiquette day once a week/month/quarterly (whatever works for you) during which you practice social skills as a family---from setting the table and the proper use of tableware to saying hello, shaking hands and introducing family members to one another.  Practice smiling for a day, complimenting each other for a day or shaking each other's hands each time you greet each other for a day.  Make learning social skills a natural part of your life so that your children don't feel funny taking classes and asking questions as they grow up.
• Make a game of practicing social skills outside your home.  Give family members points for saying "hello" to service people, shaking hands when they meet people and taking turns asking store clerks for help.  Make a list of target behaviors you want to practice before you leave home.

Check out the Skykids.com website.  It's full of great tips to help your child learn to be social and things you might want to practice with your children at home.  I've linked you to the "Making Friends" page for kids, but parents would do well to glance over this page, as well, along with other pages throughout the site designed specifically for parents.  Also, check out the Manners for Kids (and parents), page of the Family Education section of the Learning Network site.  While this page has a disciplinary feel to it, much of the material is still very relevant.  And finally, check out the books listed under the Recommended Readings and Shyness Websites pages of this website. 

I know this may seem like a lot of work---especially for single parents struggling to get through the day---but getting started can be the hardest part.  Start by buying one book packed with lots of ideas that relate to your child's needs or surf the internet for suggestions.  Next, pick one social skill or area you want to work on at a time. It's surprising how something as simple as helping your child learn to smile and say  "hi" to other children can make a difference.

Emphasize creative problem-solving.   As shy people, we tend to worry a lot.  We're afraid things won't turn out the way we want them to and we're crushed if they don't.  It's hard for us to see that failure is a natural part of learning.  Instead, we do everything in our power to avoid it and we kill our creativity in the process.

One of the most important things you can teach your children is that failure provides the feedback we need to become good at the things we choose to do.

If at first we don't succeed, try try again.  The ability to see our problems as challenges and failures as feedback---as information about what we need to do next---strengthens our confidence by reminding us that just because we didn't succeed at first, doesn't mean we won't succeed in the end.  Teach your children to think creatively.  Show them how to brainstorm---how to generate more than one solution for their problems.  Help them come to see themselves as scientists whose job is to test their solutions until they find the best one.  Prepare them for disappointment, but teach them to persevere until they find an answer that works.  What scientist do you know that solves life's riddles on the first try?  Scientists are paid to make mistakes, because that's how they succeed.   Sure they get disappointed, but a good scientist doesn't give up until the failures s/he's made provide the knowledge s/he needs to succeed.  Thomas Edison was said to have tried thousands of filaments before he found one that worked to make a light bulb.  And oh, by the way, did you know he was shy, too?

Build creative problem-solving into your child's life.

• Get in the habit of generating multiple solutions to each problem.  Three is usually enough when you're in a hurry.
• Refrain from evaluating solutions until you're finished generating them.  Evaluations shut down the creative process by making people defensive.
• When possible, test each solution empirically.  Try going home from the store four different ways to see which is fastest.  Call three Chinese restaurants on Saturday night and see which one has the best prices.
• Reward you children for trying as much you reward them for succeeding.

Help your child see that life is process of steps (and risks) of one size our another that---over time---lead to success.  Your job as a parent is to monitor and periodically adjust those steps to determine the size that's best for your child.   And, if as a parent you do a really good job, you may find that, with practice, your child is able to raise the size of his/her steps to higher and higher levels.

Help your child identify talents and hobbies that make him/her feel special. The more things we do, the more interesting we become to ourselves and other people---our self-esteem grows, we have more things to talk about and, if nothing else, the activities give our brains a little exercise.

Encourage your children to develop passions early in life.  Even if they don't like the first few things they try, the journey will make them richer for the experience.  And don't worry if they find a passion you don't like (assuming it's not dangerous, life threatening or too obnoxious to live with), most children will grow out things with time.  Just know that the more things your children do in life, the more things they will have to share with other people and the easier it will be for them to connect.  For a shy child, the ability to connect with another child is one of the greatest gifts they can receive.

Now granted, getting shy children to do things can be difficult.  If your child felt comfortable doing things, s/he wouldn't be shy.  But because s/he is shy, odds are your child avoids precisely those things that could help him/her overcome his/her shyness.

• Identify activities that take advantage of your child's strengths.  Is your child athletic?  Artistic?  Neat and organized?  Good at math?  Loves to read?  Good at building things?  What holds his/her attention?  What is least likely to discourage him/her?  And find activities that take advantage of those strengths.
• If your child is very shy and unwilling to attend group activities, start with solitary activities at first--like music lessons, arts and crafts projects out of books, practicing basketball in a hoop in your yard.  Then, as your child gains more confidence, arrange opportunities for him/her to get guidance from other adults and gradually--with time--to share his/her interest with children his/her own age.
• Encourage your child to share his/her expertise with others by performing, teaching, showing his/her work or simply describing what s/he is doing to others. Many children benefit from teaching their skill to children who are younger than them.
• Seek out activities that offer an opportunity for growth and increased interaction with children his/her own age.  For example, teaching your child to kick a ball around the backyard might increase his/her confidence when playing with other children on the street and eventually lead to your child's willingness to consider joining a soccer team.  Or learning to play an musical instrument might start off as a solitary exercise, but lead to your child's playing in the school band.

Help your child learn to manage his/her emotions.  Harvard researcher, Jerome Kagan, identified infants exhibiting shy timid temperaments at birth and followed them over time.  What he found was very interesting.  Six months later, some of the infants appeared to have outgrown their timidity.  But why?  Kagan observed that parents of infants that outgrew their timidity were more likely to help their children learn to cope with small upsets, while parents of infants who remained timid were more likely to comfort their children through their upsets.

In some ways, Dr. Kagan's findings fly in the face of good intentions.  Of course you want to comfort your children.  What parent wants to see his/her child suffer?  How can you ignore your child's pain?  But if you stop and think about it, Kagan's findings make a lot of sense.  We know that the more we pay attention to other people's behavior, the more likely they are to repeat that behavior in our presence---independent of whether we like their behavior or not.  Researchers demonstrated this years ago with college students who manipulated their teachers' behavior in the classroom with no more than their attention.  And so it is with children---the more attention you pay to your child's behavior, the more rewards they will derive from it.  Unfortunately, that means the comfort you show your child when s/he is upset  may backfire---teaching your children to show, if not feel, more of the upset you were meaning to squelch.

So, what can a parent do? 

Well, for starters, don't stop comforting your child!  Not only would that be cruel, but all of us need comfort from time to time---adults and children, as well.  Simply make an effort to evaluate the effects of your comfort on your child's behavior to determine when your comfort  is helping and when it is hurting.  And, should you decide that some of your comfort hurts, simply shift the nature of your support from comforting your child to helping him/her learn to cope.  Never withdraw your comfort cold turkey.

• Seek out opportunities to reward (i.e., praise, pay attention to) your child's coping efforts no matter how small.
• Avoid comforting every little upset your child experiences.
• Do comfort genuine concerns that are beyond your child's ability to manage..
• Suggest solutions and reward your children's efforts to implement the solutions, even if their efforts are unsuccessful..
• Encourage your children to find their own solutions to problems (see teaching creative problem-solving above) and acknowledge their ability to so.
• Let your children work out some of their problems on their own, even if they are uncomfortable doing it.  Keep a watchful eye and don't intervene unless necessary.
• Teach stress management techniques from an early age.

Help your children understand that "feelings" like "failures" are something to learn from.  They're signals that, like traffic lights, direct our lives.  When they're green our feelings are good and it's business as usual.  When they're yellow, we may be feeling a bit shaky.  It's best to slow down and proceed with caution.  But should they turn red, it's a sign that something isn't working and it's simply a matter of stopping and rethinking what we're doing to come up with a better plan.

Encourage your child to feel what s/he feels.  Never tell your child it's wrong to cry or that s/he's not feeling what s/he's feeling.  Teach your child to know his/her emotions, accept them as natural, know that hurt doesn't last forever and that with time they, too, can learn the skills to cope. 

Teach tolerance and respect for others.  Shy people are notoriously judgmental--both of themselves and others.  The more judgmental you are as a parent, the more opportunity your children will have to learn to internalize those judgments even though you may have intended to direct them at someone else.  When shy children overhear you criticizing other people's hair, wardrobe, job, lifestyle or personality, they assume that's what everyone does--i.e., criticize others.  They learn that going out in public means you will be continuously judged.  What's more, by judging other people harshly, your child may come to believe that your are judging him/her harshly as well.  In time, their world can become an unsafe place..

Modeling tolerance and respect for others, despite their shortcomings, teaches children that people don't have to be perfect to be worthwhile. 

• Teach your child what is right about people, not just what is wrong.
• Compliment others often.
• When disappointed in something another person does, talk about the "behavior" that disappointed you and, whenever possible, avoid labeling the "person.".

Saying things like: "Sarah's a little shy when she first meets people, but you should see her dance.  Wow!"  or, "I guess John takes after Albert Einstein.  He was shy too, you know.  But they both have an incredible passion for science," not only presents shyness in a positive light, but it also provides others with the cues they need to strike up a conversation with your child.  (For a list of successful shy people see the Shy Celebrities page of this website.)

The key to successfully labeling your child as shy is to  . . .

• always pair the term shyness with something positive;
• avoid using shyness as an excuse for your child's behavior which takes your child off the hook for trying;
• truly believe in your child's inherent self-worth, seek out opportunities to foster his/her strengths and reward your child's efforts to grow.

Can labeling a child as shy ever be bad?  Definitely!

It's fair to say that no one strategy is right for all people at all times.  There will be times when you can't control the spin on the label you use to describe your child; when people are bound and determined to see your child's shyness in a negative light no matter what you say or do.  In these cases, it may be best to leave well enough alone.

Not all people---parents included---understand how shy children feel.  They mistake a child's anxiety for a sign weakness, aloofness, lack of motivation and intellectual disability to name just a few.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that shy children are never lazy or never have intellectual challenges.  It's just that most shy children are just that---children.  They want to fit in.  They want to belong just like other children, but their anxiety---not their motivation or intellectual capacity---gets in the way.  If you are unable to convince others of this---or if you are parent and are unable to convince yourself---it may be better to refrain from labeling your child as shy until you are confident that your label will have a positive affect.

When not to label you child as shy . . .

• If you believe that shyness makes a child fundamentally inferior to other children.
• If you have reason to believe that putting a positive spin on your child's shyness won't change other people's view of your child's shyness or your child's view of him/herself.
• If you believe that people will misuse the information.
• If your child is using his/her shyness as an excuse for not trying.

Seek qualified professional help as necessary.  While many children outgrow their shyness, many others carry it forward with them into adulthood.  If your child is struggling---particularly if your child is challenged by a non-verbal learning disability or if you have a history of anxiety disorders, depression or substance abuse in your family---consider getting professional help.  The right support can help your child's shyness become just one small blip in the course of his/her development.  In many cases, it will be fine to start your search for help by surfing the web, reading books, talking with other parents of shy children and/or taking classes.  But should these avenues fail or should you want more immediate help for your child, it's best to consult a qualified professional who has expertise and is familiar with resources in this area.

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Disclaimer --- This site is provided as is without any express or implied warranties. While every effort has been taken to ensure the accuracy of the information contained in on this site, the author assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein. This site is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice and/or counseling

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Overcoming Shyness and Social Phobia

Shyness, (sometimes inaccurately called 'social phobia'), affects most people at some time in their life. Young people in particular find overcoming shyness difficult as they improve their social skills. And for some, shyness seems to persist into adult life, almost as if it has become a 'habit'.

Shyness has its roots in self consciousness and usually dissipates as people mature and become more experienced. However, for some it can 'stick', and then action is required.

Although most people think in terms of 'overcoming shyness', it is more likely that you will become comfortable in social situations by learning the strategies of self confidence along with social skills. Then, shyness is no longer the issue, as social nerves will melt away as a new 'habit' takes their place.

Shyness versus Social Phobia

It is my personal opinion that social phobia is too often diagnosed where people are simply experiencing natural shyness. It is perfectly natural to be a little timid in a situation where you don't yet know the 'rules', or what to do. In fact, most people experience some degree of nerves when, say going to meet friends, especially if it is somewhere they haven't been before, or someone new will be there.

We have to be very careful not to assume that there is something wrong with this. Social nerves are natural, as long as they don't get out of hand. Focusing on them and making them into a 'big thing' will only make matters worse.

When learning about social situations, young people need the chance to find their own way, without being labeled with 'social phobia'. This is not to say that social phobia does not exist; I know it does because I have worked with people suffering from it. However, in the vast majority of cases, the solution is social skills training, and perhaps relaxation and rehearsal, rather than drugs.

If a person can maintain a degree of calmness in a situation, then they are much more likely to be able to learn about how the situation works. However, if they are highly anxious and internally focused, both their emotional state and focus of attention will make it more difficult to pick up on subtle social cues.

The other key point about overcoming shyness is that most of socialising is an unconscious process. That doesn't mean you should be asleep when you're doing it (tell that to people I speak to at parties ;-), it simply means that much of human communication is non-verbal. That is, 'it's not what you say, it's the way that you say it'.

If you become highly anxious, this will tend to focus your conscious mind on your immediate environment, getting in the way of those unconscious processes.
 

Tips For Overcoming Shyness

Check out the tips in the article on self consciousness, particularly the ones to do with where you focus your attention.

• Practise becoming fascinated by other people. Ask them about themselves, and concentrate when they answer you. Remember what they tell you about themselves so you can talk about it later, or on another occasion.
  
   
• Great socialisers make other people feel comfortable and interesting. How do they do that? By being really, genuinely interested in other people. If you are talking to someone and you feel boring or inferior, ask why that is. Is it really all your fault?
  
   
• Practise using fewer 'personal pronouns' when you talk about things. Sentences beginning with 'I' are not only a turn-off for the listener, they also keep the focus of attention on you, which increases shyness. (Note: Of course, part of friendship is giving away things about yourself, but only when you feel it is appropriate to do so.)
  
   
• Remember that the way to overcome shyness is to focus elsewhere. Like on imagining what it will be like to really enjoy the social event, on how it will feel to be full of energy, or to be having a great conversation with someone.

The exercises and techniques contained within the Self Confidence Course should help with shyness because they focus on what to do to feel confident, rather than how to avoid feeling shy.

Overcoming shyness is about doing the things that allow you to enjoy social situations, not wondering why you feel shy! Good luck and I hope this article has been useful.

Article by Roger Elliott, author of the Free Self Confidence Course

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Philosophy of Shyness

Part 1: The problem

Was I Born With It? Nature vs. Nurture

While it is possible that shyness is (partly) caused by your genetic make up, it is my belief that learned behaviour (the Nurture part) is much more powerful. There are so many cases of happy, healthy, vibrant and outgoing children having their personalities ravaged by abusive parents or other traumatic situations. And, believe it or not, the opposite is also true. Quiet, timid, withdrawn people can become more sociable in the same way. Catatonics and autists can be brought back to life, people with "learning disabilities" can become fully literate. It just takes the right tools.

Is This My "True Self"?

The truth is, virtually any aspect of your personality can change. If it doesn't seem that way sometimes it's because the methods you've been using just aren't powerful enough. Think about your own experiences for a moment. Have you ever believed in something strongly only to have somebody prove you wrong? What happened to you then? You changed - instantly. A rape or a car accident can change your personality - and not a long, slow change, but immediately and powerfully.

Really, your mind is very flexible, and I will prove that in a bit. It's just that we also have the tendency to do things in patterns, so we don't take advantage of our capacity for change. I think the belief in your "True Self" or "Core Personality" is a dangerous one because it is so limiting. We look at the negative aspects of ourselves and say, "That's just the way I am. I'm being true to myself by behaving this way". We're denying ourselves whole realms of growth and improvement with this defeatist attitude. Our personalities are NOT like a balance; improving one thing won't sacrifice anything else. I'm positive that the strategies I'm going to talk about will work, but not if you're skeptical and do them half-heartedly.

How Your Mind Works

The first step to changing yourself is understanding why you're doing what you're doing now. I'm going to give you a model of your brain that I've constructed from all kinds of sources, and we will use it to make changes later.

 

• Our minds are constantly taking in all kinds of information from our senses and storing it, even the unimportant stuff. When ideas are repeated often enough and with consistency, we form Beliefs, or Generalizations, and these beliefs affect the way we perceive our reality and the way we behave. The inputs that support the belief are called "reference experiences". For example, during the Cold War, Russians were always depicted as the "evil overlords" or whatever, so children growing up at that time no doubt believed that all Russians were that way, unless they were shown otherwise. If you grew up in a racist household, you always heard that blacks (or whites!) were inferior and all that, and you probably accepted it without question. What's more, once you have a belief, your brain will dismiss or disprove references that run contrary to it. The only way to change these beliefs once they're solidly entrenched is to either use powerful references that can't be ignored (such as a rape or car accident), or to use references consistently and with enough repetition, the same way the original belief was formed. That's why simply talking about things and getting advice tends to be so ineffective.

   

• Out of all the input you get, your brain pays particular attention to experiences that cause an emotional response. What happens is, your brain constructs a physical association, or "link", between the stimuli and the response so that in the future, the same, or similar, set of stimuli will produce the same response. The stronger the emotion, the stronger the link. Also, future experiences reinforce the link or even strengthen it. This affect is called "conditioning" or "anchoring". The classic example of this is Pavlov's famous experiment. Pavlov noticed that his dog salivated whenever it was fed. He started ringing a bell whenever he fed the dog, and soon he noticed that ringing the bell without providing food caused the dog to salivate. The bell became an "anchor" to the anticipation of food. Anchors can be changed or removed, however, by changing the emotional response linked to the anchor.

   

• Your brain will motivate you both to seek out experiences that give you pleasure, and avoid experiences that cause pain, though it will do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure. That's why bad habits are so hard to break. And sometimes, though a long-term goal will provide pleasure, if there is enough pain in the short-term, your brain will "sabotage" you.

   

• Your brain is always motivating you to do what it believes best for you based on your current beliefs and anchors, even though it might contradict your conscious goals. This sabotage is called "secondary gain". For example, a happily married woman went to a hypnotist for help with being overweight. As it turns out, she was afraid of losing the weight because she would then be attractive to other men, and she was afraid that if she were propositioned she would have an affair, which would ruin her marriage. Once she became comfortable with her sexuality and confident enough to handle men, the weight went away almost without effort.

   

• Facts and information are the realm of your conscious mind. Your subconscious works on imagery, symbols, and metaphor, and knows no objective reality.

Now, going by that model, it's easy to see what causes our shyness. We have dangerous generalizations about ourselves and about other people, like "I'm not attractive", "Women/Men don't like me", "I'm not interesting", "I never know what to say" etc., which taint our perceptions and our behaviour. These generalizations are subconscious and firmly entrenched. On top of that, we have such painful anchors to being evaluated, being embarrassed and being rejected that we avoid the short-term problem of meeting people and asking for dates, even though the long-term goal of intimate relationships is very enticing.

The problem is wired right into our nervous systems, which is the culmination of everything we've ever done. Our conscious motives are peanuts compared to that.

If I've painted a morbid picture here, I apologize. It's easier to change than it sounds, but simply working with your consciousness WON'T work. You've got to work with your subconscious, and your nervous system. You've got to change your generalizations and your anchors, and the rest will come naturally.

I've omitted one vital piece of information till now. Remember how your brain is always taking in information and processing it?

***YOUR OWN THOUGHTS ARE PART OF THIS INPUT***.

This might sound silly at first, but it's true. When you go over an experience in your mind, you get the same emotional response as when it actually happened. It's a reinforcement. Consciously you can tell the difference, but your subconscious just processes and stores it along with everything else. Even if you don't believe this, at least admit to yourself that it might be possible, because it's central to many of the strategies I'm going to talk about. Remember, what we're after is results, not understanding.

Your thoughts are powerful tools for change. It's just that you've been using them poorly until now.

Your Own Worst Enemy

Now think of the implications of this. Every time you've relived your failures and rejections, every time you've beat yourself up with your self-talk, every time you've felt sorry for yourself, you've been reinforcing the problem, and possibly made it worse.

Now, I'm not saying you should never feel bad. It's a natural thing and it's bound to happen no matter what you do. But being excessively negative is unhealthy for you. Starting now, don't allow yourself to dwell on painful events from your past. If you find yourself feeling down for more than five minutes, do something - anything - to snap yourself out of it and move on.

Also, if there are any situations or people that are consistently making you feel bad about yourself, either do something to improve them or remove yourself from them.

For example, half a year ago I was hanging around with a certain group of people. One or two of them were my friends, but several of the rest quite obviously didn't like me, had no objections to showing me so, and nothing I could have done would have changed that. For a while I felt sorry for myself; I kept thinking "no one cares about me, no one likes me", etc. Finally, I realized what I was doing. I said to myself, "Fuck 'em all, what do I need them for anyway" and went and found a very accepting, caring and supportive group to hang around with instead. That one decision made a great difference in my life.

But, I digress. By now you must be nearly mad with anticipation - "What do I DO? Tell me what to DO!!!" :)

Part 2: Small Changes for your Everyday Life

Here are some helpful things that are fairly simple that you can incorporate into your everyday life immediately.

Empowering Questions

When you ask yourself a difficult question, your subconscious goes to work looking for an answer, and it will always come up with something - even if the question is a self-defeating one. For example, if you ask yourself, "Why aren't I dating?" you'll get something like, "I'm too shy." or "I'm a loser". If you ask yourself, "Why don't people like me?" you'll get "I must be too ugly or unattractive" or "I mustn't be interesting enough". Even worse, your subconscious may then go to work looking through your databank of references and finding ones that support this idea so that it becomes a belief!

Remember, everything that's ever happened to you is stored in your memory. You've got references to support virtually any belief, but once you've got a belief, your brain tends to filter out the references that run contrary to it. There are probably lots of times when you were outgoing, but since you believe in your shyness, you don't notice or remember them - but your brain is quick to point out the times you've failed in a social situation. So the trick, then, is to ask yourself empowering questions.

Yourself:

• What about me is interesting? Attractive?
• What do people like about me?
• What qualities and accomplishments am I most proud of?
• What should I change about myself? How would I go about changing that?

Conversation:

• What do we have in common that I could bring up?
• Is there anything interesting that happened to me lately that I could relate?
• Is there something interesting happening in our environment that I could mention?
• What aspects of his/her life could I ask questions about?

Shit On By The Opposite Sex:

• How was my approach poor? What could I do to improve it?
• What about my approach was good? Can I emphasize that next time?
• If I was him/her, what would I want me to do?

You get the idea.

Anchoring

Now that you know how anchors are formed, you can create your own! They can be really useful for changing your emotional state when you need it. I bet you feel really confident when you do something you're good at, like playing a sport, a musical instrument, or a game of chess. Wouldn't it be great if you could have that same feeling of confidence when you're at a social gathering or approaching someone for a date?

Here's how to create an anchor. Get yourself to feel the feeling you want to anchor, either by doing something physically or creating the experience in your head (trust me, it still works). At the same time, do something else, which will be your "trigger" for the feeling. The trigger can be a sight, a sound, a movement, or a touch. Once you've done it enough, it should become permanent. Keep in mind that if you'll be using anchors in social situations, you don't want your trigger to be anything embarrassing. It can be something simple like touching your finger to your forehead, tugging on your ear, scratching your nose, stroking your mustache or your chin, or a phrase... Now that you've created the anchor, whenever you want the emotional response just perform the trigger, and if you've done it right, your emotional state will change, as if by magic.

Pattern Interrupts

When we find a behaviour that works, we tend to get "locked" into it; we repeat it whenever that situation comes up. This is called a Strategy or Pattern. Avoiding people at social situations is a pattern, and so is not showing your feelings, and so is not asking for dates or doing it poorly, and so is feeling sorry for yourself afterwards. Remember, if your nervous system is geared toward shyness, your subconscious considers these things good, that's why I said these behaviours "work". But what you can do is, whenever you find yourself in an unproductive pattern, you do what's called a Pattern Interrupt. A Pattern Interrupt is anything sudden and unexpected that totally defies the pattern and therefore breaks its hold on you. It can be physical, like suddenly screaming at the top of your lungs or dancing wildly about the room. These are great if you're in the privacy of your own home or you don't mind making a fool of yourself. If you need something more subtle, you can do the interrupt in your head, such as experiencing a series of bizarre and totally inappropriate images or sounds.

Here's one way I used this successfully. I was trying to ask someone out and was doing a lot of "Ummm.... Uhhhh...." and just generally feeling idiotic and screwing it up. All of a sudden I just said "FUCK!", with feeling (She was the type that doesn't mind swearing). Instantly my internal voice went from "Argh, what do I say, what do I do, what if she turns me down..." etc. to "Just quit your damn stalling and DO IT, dumb-ass!!" and I asked her out. I didn't get the date, BTW, but I think that was because we came from VERY different worlds, and she just didn't have a good impression of me. Actually, I was quite proud of myself for getting past the fear and taking the risk. Here's another example. Supposing you really got a rise out of "Dead Poet's Society". A combination anchor/interrupt would be to declare "CARPE DIEM!!!" or "SIEZE THE DAY!!!" with gusto.

Leverage

For any decision you make, your brain weighs the pleasures and pains of taking action and not taking action, but it will motivate you more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure. If you're not getting the results you want, it's probably because you've linked too much pain to the action. There are two ways you can get around this - either find a way to lessen the pain associated with the action, or associate even more pain with not taking action. This changing of the rules is called Leverage.

For example, I would think all of us link pain to losing money. So what you do is, when you go into a social situation, bring a few buddies with you. Decide on a goal that you're capable of meeting ("I will meet X new people" or "I will ask for X dates" or "I won't leave without X phone numbers"), and make a bet with your friends that if you don't meet your goal, you owe them, say, $20 or $50. Make sure these are people who will hold you to your word. Now, normally, you probably link quite a bit of pain to meeting people, but I would think the pain of losing $50 would be even greater! If your goal was to meet five people, you'd probably introduce yourself to the first five people you ran into!

I think that really, we don't link much pain to our shyness at all. If we did, we wouldn't have this problem. There is the loneliness, but it's what we've been feeling all our lives. We're used to it, it's nothing new. And by avoiding people, we feel safe. Change is perceived as the threat; it is dangerous because it would place demands on us we might not be able to meet. Reversing this imbalance can go a long way toward getting what we want.

Physiology

It's common knowledge that the way you're feeling is reflected in your body. If you're depressed, you frown, your shoulders droop, your back is hunched, you tend to look down at the floor. If you're happy, you smile, you stand straight, you look up.

What you might not know is that this works in reverse. By changing your body, you can change the way you feel. If you don't believe this, try it out. Smile and laugh for no good reason. Dance around a bit. Feels good, doesn't it? Now frown and hunch over. Bury your head in your hands. Sucks, eh?

A good example of this is when a friend confided in me that I had a "geeky walk". It was true; I used to drag my feet and I would look down as I passed people. So what I did was figure out how to "walk confident" (And this took some practice...) and I made the effort to keep my gaze steady and make a little eye contact with people. Sure enough, not only did the physical change make me feel more confident, but the way people responded to me as well. I began to get smiles and glances from some of the women (or maybe I always had and just never noticed before), and that is a GREAT feeling!

Also, in case you're not doing this already, regular exercise does wonders for your self-confidence.

Transformational Vocabulary

Words can be amazingly powerful if you know how to use them. Read any book on the psychology of linguistics and influencing people and you'll see what I mean. I won't go into that in too much detail here, but I want to say one thing - Speed Seduction!!!! Kidding, kidding...

Words can be anchors, and quite effective ones at that. But different people respond to different words differently. For example, go up to a person who's very religious and go, "Jesus H. CHRIST that pisses me off!!!" and see what kind of response you get! Go up to street trash and say the same thing and they'll probably say "Yeah, right on, man!"

So if you consistently use words that make you feel bad, either in conversation or in your self-talk, replace that word with something that gives you a neutral response, or even a positive anchor. Examples:

• "I'm lonely" or "I'm depressed" -> "I'm a bit down on my luck" or "I'm in the process of finding someone"
• "I'm shy" -> "I'm reserved" or "I'm a little introverted"
• "I'm furious" or "I'm outraged" -> "I'm a little ticked off" or "I'm irritated"

Sure, this is a bit silly, but the silliness of it might even make you feel better. You can also create a positive response where there wasn't one before, or enhance a positive response the same way - use more powerful words.

On second thought...

While the uses to which Jeffries and his followers put Speed Seduction are just a wee bit... despicable , a few of the principles behind it are quite useful and worth mentioning here.

Your language, and your behaviour in general, not only anchor yourself, but other people as well. There's no way around it. If you consistently create an emotional state in somebody, they eventually anchor that state to you, even if you weren't doing it on purpose. If you whine and complain, put yourself or others down, or just talk about shocking or inappropriate things consistently around somebody, they will definitely resent you on some level, even though they might not be aware of it.

So the theory behind SS is to use your language to put someone in a romantic or sexual state consistently and then anchor it to yourself. If this sounds devious and manipulative, remember that the people who are good at sex and relationships do this naturally anyway, without even being aware of it. "Chemistry" is a myth perpetrated by the outgoing to keep us shys down.

So next time you're with someone you want to get involved with, ask yourself "What kind of things would this person find romantic/sexual?" and then keep bringing those things up, just to see what happens :)

Metaphor

Metaphors are an especially powerful extension of Transformational Vocabulary. Remember how I said that your subconscious works on imagery, symbols, and metaphor? By using metaphor you can sometimes communicate directly with your subconscious and achieve surprising results.

For example, there was a man who was 170 pounds overweight. He was very spiritual; when asked he said "his body was just a vehicle; it's the soul that's important". He was persuaded to accept a new metaphor, "My body is a temple". Now for a religious person, a temple is something to be revered. You would never damage or deface it. What happened? He lost 130 pounds in the space of a few months, that's what.

What are your metaphors? Fill these out right now:

• Life is ...
• I am ...
• People are ...
• Women/Men are ...

Now, what _should_ they be? For it to work, they have to be things that have powerful, personal meaning for you. You wouldn't choose a crucifix or a temple, for example, if you weren't very religious. Examples:

• Life is a game/dance/stage/garden of Eden
• I am a king/poet/warrior/prophet/jewel/rose
• Women are a gift/blessing/jewels/roses/dogs (Man's best friend, sorry had to throw that in)

Now just adopt these new metaphors and see what you get. Sometimes just making the change in your head is enough, but you might have to do a little anchoring and reinforcement to get it to stick.

Part 3: The Heavy Artillery

Okay, now the really good stuff. Here we're going to work on changing your beliefs, and your pain anchors, which should get rid of your shyness for good. But first, we need to know exactly what they are.

First, brainstorm your beliefs. Examine the thoughts that run through your head when you're in your shy-pattern. Also look at the way you talk about yourself to others and your self-talk. It's important that you be completely honest with yourself and be as thorough as possible. Examples:

• I am a nerd/geek/loser/inept
• I'm too shy
• I'm not compatible with him/her
• I'm not normal
• I don't know what to say/do
• I'm afraid of rejection/screwing up/being hurt/being embarrassed/what others think
• Men/Women don't like me
• People don't like me

Now, your anchors. Make two lists, pleasurable experiences that you move toward, and painful experiences that you avoid. Rank them in descending order starting with the experiences you take the most action to gain/avoid. Again, it's important that you're very honest with yourself. Don't list them in the order you'd like them to be in ideally, but examine your actual behaviour.

Sample pleasures                   Sample pains

Love         Success               Rejection     Anger
Freedom      Intimacy              Frustration   Loneliness
Security     Adventure             Depression    Failure
Power	     Passion               Humiliation   Guilt
Comfort      Health

When you're done, you should notice some definite conflicts that would cause your shyness. In my case, on my pleasures side Love and Intimacy were high up, but Safety, Security and Comfort were at the top. On my pains side, Evaluation, Rejection and Humiliation were at the top, while Loneliness and Depression were toward the bottom (remember, we're looking at the amount of action we take to _avoid_ these feelings).

Here's something you can try that may help. Think about the way you _want_ to be, your ideal self, and brainstorm what your pleasures/pains would have to be for you to be that way. Think about what anchors you'd need to add and remove, and then reorder the lists accordingly. This alone might cause some nifty changes...

Changing Your Beliefs

You've got three basic choices when it comes to beliefs. Remember, your brain tends to filter out references that run contrary to your beliefs, so one approach is to go over your beliefs and references consciously and sort them out. This is referred to in clinical psychology as Cognitive Therapy, and, in my opinion, is the _worst_ way to go about it. I'll share the process with you anyway in case the other options don't work.

Go through the following questions with each of the beliefs you need to change:

1. What is your belief?
2. Why do you believe that? What references are you using to support this?
3. Is it possible that you've evaluated these experiences poorly? (This is especially true of childhood experiences, when your cognitive powers aren't at their best). If so, go back into them and re-evaluate. It probably seemed terrible at the time, but would it be so bad if it happened to you now?
4. How much pain is this belief causing you?
5. What are you afraid would happen if you didn't believe this?
6. What references do you have that run contrary to this? After reviewing these references, are you still sure you believe that?

Ugh. That hurt even writing it. But that might've at least weakened the beliefs and their hold on you, if nothing else.

Option two is probably the best but the hardest to achieve. Remember, "powerful experiences" such as a rape or car accident can smash through beliefs as if they were paper. Unfortunately, it's hard to come up with a power experience to cure shyness (short of a woman coming up to you, saying "you know, you drive us all WILD, baby!" and making love to you right there - I wish).

Instead, most of us progress in small steps - starting conversations, getting comfortable with conversations, getting a date, becoming comfortable with dating, starting a relationship, becoming comfortable with relationships, etc. which could take months, years, or a lifetime.

So we're left with option three - use positive references consistently and repeatedly.

Affirmations

Start a new list entitled "Affirmations". Go over your list of negative beliefs, and for each one, create a positive statement to counteract it. Include a reference from your life if possible. It's important that you follow these rules:

• make sure it's positive - "I am not shy" won't work too well
• make it first person - "I this, I that" rather than "People this, women that, men ..."
• make it present tense - "I am confident" rather than "I will be confident"
• make sure it's something _you_ control - not "I date more often than Frank does"
• try to include rich sensory imagery, powerful emotional anchors, and references

Samples:

• I easily talk to anyone I have a desire to meet. I am clever and witty and relaxed.
• I have immense courage. I overcome any fears.
• I'm fit and attractive. I keep my body in great shape.
• I remember to compliment people and to show I appreciate them.
• I am happy with myself, regardless of what other people think.

Right now you're probably asking yourself, "So why am I telling myself all this stuff that obviously isn't true?" Remember, your own thoughts are part of the input your brain takes in, and it doesn't question anything, it just processes and stores everything. At first your beliefs will reject these statements, but with enough consistency, repetition and references, your beliefs will eventually change. Studies show it takes about a month of daily repetition, but that depends on how often you go over your affirmations. The best thing to do would be to print them out on a card and keep them with you during the day, and just read over them whenever you get the chance. As you read them, imagine how good it will feel to be that way; really get into it.

Within one month of implementing this technique, the author of the book I got this from went from hiding behind plants at parties to dating regularly. He is now in his second marriage and makes his living as an author and motivational speaker.

Hypnosis

Hypnotherapy is similar to the technique above, but it communicates with your subconscious much more directly, and you can get results within a few sessions if all goes well. The downside of it is that it is expensive (around $100/hour) and if your therapist misses something important you've wasted a lot of money for nothing. The alternative is to learn self-hypnosis. Probably the best thing to do is get a therapist to teach it to you, but there are lots of good books on the subject as well. I won't go into it in too much detail here because it's somewhat difficult to do and I'm not at all qualified to teach it, but here are the basics:

 

• make sure you are in a relaxed, open-minded mood.

   

• put yourself in a comfortable position, either lying down or sitting.

   

• give yourself relaxation suggestions until you are in a deeply relaxed state. Example: "The tension in my feet is draining away... my feet are relaxed... my legs are becoming more and more relaxed... my breathing is becoming deep and even... relax..relax...relax...", etc. Keep it up until there's no tension anywhere in your body, and you might feel a bit numb.

   

• What usually follows is a countdown (or countup...) in time with your breathing. Example: "As I count down from 10, as I breathe out I will sink deeper and deeper into a state of trance... 10... deeper and deeper... 9... deeper and deeper...", etc.

   

• At this point you should be in trance. Don't start to wonder if you're actually in trance or not, because that will definitely snap you out of it. Just start repeating your affirmation statements to yourself; even if you weren't actually in trance, it will still do you some good.

   

• Finish by suggesting something like "I will count to three and then awake feeling refreshing and alert" or "I will count to three and as I count I will drift off to sleep" (If you're doing this at bedtime).

These two techniques, affirmations and self-hypnosis, are effective ways of improving anything in your life, not just shyness. I'd suggest setting aside 15-30 minutes every day to work on these, it's well worth the effort.

Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP)

NLP is a fascinating concept that I'd like to share with you. It's probably vastly different than any psychology you're used to, and in fact its is rejected by many clinical psychologists for being "unscientific", but it has all kinds of applications in therapy and self-improvement, so I believe it's worth learning.

NLP was founded by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, a mathematician and linguist respectively. Needless to say their approach was quite unique. What they did was study with some of the world's best therapists (Milton Erickson, Virginia Satir, and Fritz Perls mainly). Whenever something happened to cause a change in the subject, rather than examining what the therapist _said_ he did, and what the subject _said_ happened (both conscious functions), they observed what the therapist was doing _unconsciously_, and what happened in the subject's _subconscious_. Then they modeled their therapeutic approach after these otherwise unnoticed processes that they had observed. They learned to produce changes in a person in minutes that would take conventional therapists months, or years to accomplish. For example, NLPers can cure a phobia in less than an hour, and often in less than 15 minutes. If you don't believe this, there are lots of NLP practitioners on the net that you can talk to who can share their own experiences with it.

I'm going to share some of the NLP I've picked up that I believe is relevant to shyness; for more information, check out books by: Richard Bandler, John Grinder, Robert Dilts, Tad James, and Steven and Connirae Andreas.

First, the assumption that your subconscious doesn't differentiate between real experiences and mental ones is extremely important in NLP. Very rarely, if ever, will they get you to physically DO anything; rather, they'll sit you down, get you to imagine some things, create some pictures and experiences in your mind, do some anchoring, and when you're done, you've changed. It's almost magical.

Anchoring, BTW, is a fundamental part of NLP. Being able to control your emotional states is a _very_ powerful tool. Often what they'll do is get you to experience something unpleasant, then experience it again with an anchor, like confidence, happiness, or courage. This will totally change your evaluation of that experience!

Submodalities

Submodalities are the sensory qualities of the things you perceive in your mind. Changing these can change your emotional state to a certain extent. For example, images that have very bright, vivid colors, that are large, and that are close up tend to be more emotionally intense than dim, black and white, small, faraway images. Similarly, for sounds, there's volume, tonality, speed, duration, harmony/cacophony, and for kinesthetics there's temperature, texture, vibration, pressure, movement, weight, etc.

Fear

Of particular interest are the techniques for overcoming fear. All fear really is, is a warning signal that you're about to experience something that you've anchored to pain. A phobia is the same thing but with a much stronger anchor. So all you need to do to overcome fear is to break that anchor - change the feelings you've associated with that situation. This is called "dissociation".

So without further ado, here is the NLP Fast Phobia/Trauma Cure! This is a dissociation technique that relieves fears/phobias and removes unwanted emotional residue from a traumatic situation.

 

• find a place free of distractions where you can concentrate.

   

• relax.

   

• anchor yourself to something that gives you powerful feelings of confidence, power, safety, etc.

   

• imagine yourself sitting in a movie theatre. Take some time to experience this fully. Examine the decor, the screen, the people seated around you.

   

• pick an experience that you want to dissociate. For a fear/phobia, if you don't know the original trauma that caused your problem, just think of any time when you experienced the unwanted feelings.

   

• take a "snapshot" of that experience and place it on the screen.

   

• take some time to examine the submodalities of the image. Alter them so that the image is less intense (make it black and white, dim, small, far away, two-dimensional, and if it is from your own eyes, change it so that it is from the viewpoint of a passing stranger, or a bird, or God).

   

• now make the snapshot into a movie where all the frames have the same qualities as the first one. It's important that the movie not be about something you're afraid of, but about _you experiencing the thing you're afraid of_.

   

• imagine yourself floating up out of your body into the projection booth so that you're looking down at your body in the theatre.

   

• start the movie from up there in the projection booth. Remember, you're watching yourself sitting in the theatre, watching a movie.

   

• Once the movie is done, float back down into your body. Then, imagine yourself stepping back into the experience.

   

• The first time this experience happened, you were overcome by the feelings these stimuli caused and were unable to evaluate the situation properly. This time, as an observer, go back over the experience and re-evaluate it, seeing it as it really was.

   

• Now, imagine the movie "rewinding" in your mind. See all the events happen in reverse. When you're finished, jump back to the end and rewind it again, but faster. Keep rewinding the movie until you can do it in the space of about a second, then rewind it again at that same speed five more times.

   

• Take some time to enjoy not being afraid or upset any more :)

Now for some notes. It's essential that you remain impartial (emotionally detached) throughout the movie. If you find yourself still experiencing the fear, you're going to have to experiment with it a bit until you get it right, especially if you have a very vivid imagination. Remember to stay in your seat and don't become part of the movie till it's over. Some things you can try:

• play around with the submodalities; the ones I gave might be wrong for you.
• imagine that you're in your seat sideways and watching out of the corner of your eye.
• imagine that your best friend/loved one is there watching it with you.
• imagine that there are a bunch of clowns in the theatre with you, or in the background of the movie (don't do this if you're afraid of clowns)
• imagine that the person in the movie is you but the person in the theatre is a stranger, or vice-versa.
• imagine that the movie has subtitles and/or silly piano music playing at the same time.
• imagine you're driving along a highway and the movie is playing on a drive-in way off in the distance.
• imagine the screen is loose and flapping in the wind.

Be creative. This technique WILL work under the right conditions, but it's different for everybody.

The Belief-Change Technique

NLP has a very fast technique for changing beliefs. It's based on the observation that whenever a belief changes, there's a transition from state to state that looks like this:

Conviction -> Doubt -> Disbelief -> Open to a New Belief -> Uncertainty -> New Conviction

and the assumption that those states can be anchored just like anything else. Here's the pattern:

 

• The technique involves six "stations". When you're first starting this, you should write out the stations on pieces of paper and arrange them in a circle for added visual effect. The stations are,

   

  • Current Belief
  • Open to Doubt
  • Museum of Old Beliefs
  • New Belief
  • Open to Believing
  • Sacred Place

   

• When you're doing the imagining I'm going to talk about, make sure you feel the total experience - visual, auditory, and kinesthetic (feelings)

   

• Stand at station 1 and think about your current belief, how it feels.

   

• Move to station 2 and think about something that you doubt, and how that feels. Now think about your target belief and how it feels to doubt it.

   

• Move to station 3 and think about a belief that you used to have but no longer have, and how that feels. Now think about your target belief and how it feels to no longer believe it. As you leave station 3, imagine that you're leaving that belief behind in the museum.

   

• Move to station 4 and think about the new belief you want to have.

   

• Move to station 5 and think about something you don't believe but are open to believing, and how that feels. Now think of your target belief and how it feels to be open to it.

   

• Move to station 6 and think about one of your strongest and most sacred beliefs and how that feels. Now think about your target belief and how it feels to believe it with the same conviction.

The New Behaviour Generator

Once you've gotten rid of your disempowering beliefs and anchors, you're ready to take on new behaviour. You could just do this by practice, but you're bound to fail and embarrass yourself for a while that way. The New Behaviour Generator can help with that.

 

• find a model, either your imagined "ideal self" or someone you know that already has this behaviour mastered.

   

• ask yourself "what beliefs does this behaviour need to maintain itself?" Go through the processes I've discussed to make your beliefs congruent if you need to.

   

• Mentally rehearse the model from the outside first, then step inside it, walk around in it, see from those eyes, hear with those ears, feel with that body. Experience the new positive intention of the behaviour and the positive rewards both in what is gained and in what is avoided.

   

• Go back in your life to a time when you (could have) learned this behaviour and imagine that it became a part of you, then project back through the present and into the future.

   

• Practice doing this several times a day until you forget to mentally rehearse it because you find you are already doing it!

I can personally vouch for the NBG, because I have some experience with acting, which is very similar. When I do a play I tend to model myself after my character backstage as well as onstage, and the last time I did a play I noticed several women gravitating toward me, and I had all kinds of dating opportunities. It's too bad that the effect didn't last, but it was because I still believed in my shyness deep down. Now I know better! :=)

I think the strategy of mental rehearsal is a very important one that we tend to overlook. We often fantasize about what it will be like once we have a significant other, but rarely do we imagine things like approaching people, starting conversations and asking for dates because these things are painful to us. Or if we do imagine those things, we tend to see the worst case scenario, which just makes us feel worse. Starting now, make it a habit to use the NBG, or at least visualize yourself socializing successfully, and dealing with rejection and embarrassment effectively.

Conclusion

Well, that's everything. I think if you go back over all the strategies I talked about, you'll notice that most of them are quick and easy. That's because they attack the cause of the problem, not the symptoms. Now all you need is a little motivation to start using them regularly. I understand that you have reason to be skeptical about a lot of it (esp. NLP), but my advice is this: don't trust the scientific authorities or anybody else, or even your own beliefs, conditioning and common sense. TRY THEM OUT, and trust your own senses. Test them yourself. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

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5 Ways Of Overcoming Shyness

Overcoming shyness depends on your ability to find practical
advice that works. Fortunately, this is a realistic
goal.

Even the most confident people have situations that cause
them to be shy. Even famous personalities and very
successful business people experience shyness at times. (if
only they knew the best ways for overcoming shyness)

Shyness is nothing to be ashamed of and you can overcome it
when you learn the right way to go about it. The problem is
that you have not been exposed to accurate, proven ways for
overcoming shyness.

There are numerous resources available to you if you need
help overcoming shyness. Professional advice and tips on
how to beat shyness can be very beneficial if you are
having difficulty taking that first step.

Shyness can be defined as having difficulty creating a
rapport with other people. For many people, not overcoming
shyness can mean having a hard time thinking of things to say
in a social setting.

For others not overcoming shyness can include physical
symptoms of apprehension. For most people, it involves a
combination of the two. Social behaviors that come easily to
the average person such as smiling, making conversation,
maintaining eye contact, and a relaxed posture are extremely
difficult for the shy person to achieve.

Making friends and attending social functions may seem like
a nightmare to a shy person. No one wants to stand in the
corner alone, but a shy person may lack the ability to
approach new people. Clearly, there are many reasons to
learn tips on overcoming shyness.

You can learn ways for overcoming shyness and building
confidence by developing new habits and social skills. Shy
people may have to exert a large amount of effort in order to
start a conversation or attend a party. Determination is a key
factor in learning more about overcoming shyness.

5 Ways For Overcoming Shyness:

1. Some of the components of shyness are lack of
self-confidence and anxiety around others, difficulty
carrying on a conversation, and a lack of knowledge about
the expected behavior in social situations. If you want to
make progress overcoming shyness you need to attend to
these issues.

Shy people can be very intimidated by people in general.
Learning ways for overcoming shyness may seem like an
insurmountable task, but help is available to you through
several sources.

2. You must first determine why you are shy. There are
always underlying reasons for the way a person reacts in
certain situations.

Next, try behaving in a confident manner in private and
practice until you begin to see results in public. Walk
confidently and speak firmly and soon you'll find yourself
behaving the same confident way in social settings.

As ridiculous as it may seem, forcing yourself to act as
if you are not shy can be very helpful in learning how to
overcome shyness altogether.

3. One way to boost your self-confidence is to always look
your best. Looking great makes you feel great and does
wonders for your self-esteem.

Reduce your fear of rejection by imagining worst
case scenarios and how you will handle them. Then if the
outcome is less traumatic than you imagine, you won't dwell
on the rejection near as much.

Observing strangers and acquaintances and how they relate
to others can also be a great tool in learning how to
overcome shyness.

4. If you are having difficulty overcoming shyness, join
clubs or go to events that interest you. It's a lot more
comfortable to engage in conversations with those who have
common interests.

The initial conversation will be much easier since you'll
already have a topic of conversation that interests you both.

5. If you do not have the confidence to approach someone
new, then smile and try to be approachable. Most people are
receptive to a smile and a friendly face. Overcoming shyness
can start with something as simple as a smile!

You could also consider taking someone that you are comfortable
with along to lessen your anxiety. Shy people are extremely
reluctant to take the risk of approaching new people.

If you want to master overcoming shyness, you may have to
make an effort to be outgoing initially, but soon your new
habits will become natural and easy.

 

Who Else Wants More Help Overcoming Shyness?

Start overcoming shyness today with this special report
Get my $27 value report - free, 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence, apply today
because it reveals all and is
only available free for a limited time.

Just type-in your First Name and Primary Email where shown
below and then click the "Click Here Now For Free Report"
button you see below and the report will be emailed to you
right away.

3 Tips to Overcome Shyness

Do you want to overcome shyness?Many people before
you have used tips and good advice to overcome shyness
- so can you!

Many people want to overcome shyness and need a few
tips to get them started. Once you learn an approach that
works you will be ready to overcome shyness and enjoy
a fuller life.

Shyness is the term given to feelings of anxiety or
discomfort in social settings, and to the inability of a
person to engage or interact fully with others. Shyness
comes in various degrees and with different symptoms.
Still, with the right attitude and tools you can overcome
shyness.

If you have vowed to overcome shyness here are three
important tips to encourage your success!

#1. Be your own best friend.

Mental Health professionals tell us that any behavioral
change requires support. Because the nature of a shy person
is not to seek out or elicit attention from others, they
often feel they have to fight their battle alone. However this
is not the besy way to overcome shyness.

In the absence of a caring support group, you can nurture
yourself with positive affirmations repeated daily. Be
honest with yourself about all of the good qualities you
have. A familiar adage says "you cannot love another until
you love yourself". Even simple ideas like this can help you
to overcome shyness.

Positive interactions with others are more natural if you
know how to have a positive interaction with yourself first.

#2. Leave comparisons behind.

A shy person tends never to be very conceited. On the other
hand, a shy person also does not always have a firm grasp
on self-esteem. If you really want to overcome shyness you
need to build greater self-esteem

Excuses for not talking such as "I didn't have anything
important to say" or "Other people knew more than me and I
did not want to seem silly" are self-defeating.

When you look at other people, you see only the good side
they allow everyone to see. People do not tend to wear
their hurt or worry on their sleeves, but that does not
mean they do not exist. Even seeminglt confident people
have to overcome shyness to get ahead.

As you are working to overcome shyness, try to remember
that everyone is human. The life of the party is no more or
less a person than the quietest guest. This even playing
field affords respect for all comments and participants -
even your own.

#3. Practice makes better.

There is no cure for shyness. At one point in your life,
shyness may have benefited you because of circumstances you
were dealing with at the time.

However, as you have made the decision to break free and
overcome shyness, it is important to look for little ways to
practice being your more outgoing self. Talk with friends
about new topics.

Introduce your own topic. You can begin to test your
comfort zone with people you trust, talking to people you
are less acquainted with as your confidence grows. Little by
little you will overcome shyness in this way.

Sharing small bits of information about yourself at a time
allows others to learn more about you, and reinforces that
others can and will be interested in you.

As you talk with new people, you will learn new things
about yourself that can only make thinking of things to say
easier in the future.

As with any resolution, to overcome shyness will take a lot
of time and dedication. There may be times when you feel
more vulnerable than you would prefer, but these moments
might offer you a chance to bond with another facing a
similar challenge.

A positive attitude and patience with yourself will make
all the difference and help you to overcome shyness as you
emerge from your shell and into the company of people who
are excited to get to know you.
 

4 Helpful Ways To Get Over Shyness

Get over shyness! Easier said than done? You are not alone... many
people need to get over shyness and need help conquering
shyness

Over half of all adults identify themselves as shy. Shyness
can get in the way of developing personal relationships and
professional aspirations. For so many people learning how to
get over shyness is a priority. Why not learn how to get over
shyness today?

What can you do to get over shyness and take charge
of even the most difficult conversations?

Some people are afraid to simply walk into a room and
surround themselves with strangers. Some shy people hate
eating in front of others and some hate parties or other
types of social occasions. Nevertheless you can get over
shyness with the right help.

The fact is that there are many ways to beat shyness if you
have the desire and the willpower. You can improve yourself
and get over shyness even faster than you think.

Shyness is more common than most people realize. Shy people
are not necessarily introverts, some are extroverts who
happen to be shy and also need help to get over shyness.

If shyness is keeping you from advancing in your career or
maintaining personal relationships, there are various ways
to get over shyness and become the outgoing person you would
like to be.

1. Realizing that shyness is a problem for you is the first
step in overcoming it. List your good qualities and enjoy
the fact that you have many good points that can help you
to get over shyness.

Pick one thing you'd like to change about yourself and
focus on that one thing until you succeed in making
positive changes.

Systematically dealing with one issue at a time will help
you become the person you want to be and get over
shyness.

2. Each day identify one thing you can do to help yourself
to get over shyness. It can be a simple thing like making eye
contact with the clerk at your local grocery store or
striking up a conversation with a stranger on the bus.

You do not have to execute your plan perfectly every day.
Just continue to take baby steps and reward yourself along
the way for each obstacle you overcome.

3. Sometimes its not really shyness that is the problem
when you want to get over shyness.
Occasionally a lack of social skills lead people to believe
they are shy when in reality they just do not have the
tools and knowledge to develop appropriate social behaviors.

If a lack of social skills is keeping your self-esteem low
and making your life miserable, search for one of the many
sources of information that are designed to help you
develop your social skills and get over shyness.

There are many informative publications that deal with
these issues and you may find just the right tips on ways
to get over shyness that will allow you to alleviate your
social discomfort, expand your circle of friends, and
support professional advancement.

4. There are numerous ways to get over shyness and not every
suggestion or idea will work for everyone. Find the tools
that are the most helpful to you personally and use these
tools to the best of your ability.

If you want to get over shyness, it will not happen instantly
or overnight. It takes perseverance and a desire to succeed
if you truly want to overcome shyness and learn to interact
easily and naturally with other people.

Shyness often causes a person to withdraw from society
altogether. Do not let shyness rule your life. Start slowly
and make small changes each step of the way.

You will be able to see your progress with each negative
personality trait you change into a positive one. Soon
enough all the effort you put into changing your life will
become evident to not only you, but to all those around you.
 

Get over shyness today with these new tips:
Get my $27 value report - free, 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence, apply today
because it reveals how to get over shyness and is
only available free for a limited time.

Just type-in your First Name and Primary Email where shown
below and then click the "Click Here Now For Free Report"
button you see below and the report will be emailed to you
right away.

Overcoming Shyness Tips

Shyness can be debilitating and I know because I used to suffer from acute shyness which threatened to destroy my social life. It caused me a lot of pain and was holding me back until I began to start reading about the subject and thought about how to beat the problem. You can overcome shyness like I did, just treat it like any other problem and apply what I will outline for you. 

There are two important stages involved in any plan to overcome shyness:

1. Facing your problem head on

2. Building your self confidence as you perform better in challenging situations and progress

Let's look at these steps in closer detail.

The first step is facing the problem and tackling it head on. The first thing to do is think of small steps, smaller and less challenging events where you are having problems acting confidently. Gradually as you achieve these you should take on more demanding events and eventually in this way you will build up a list of successes which in turn will build up your confidence and bit by bit knock down your wall of shyness.

Here are a few notes on steps to take:

1. start a diary and note in it each days successes (focus on successes no matter how small). each time you manage a situation confidently and with less and less shyness note it down and record what happened and how you managed the situation. 
2. motivate yourself - when I was suffering I scored my performances and then made a graph which when I looked at the visual effect of the improvement I felt so much better and could clearly see I was progressing.
3. look for opportunities to improve and challenge yourself. In the past experiences of things like chatting to someone you didn't know at a party or with a member of the opposite sex or making a speech etc. were events you probably tried to avoid and then felt bad about afterwards because you were missing out on life. Now if you correctly motivate yourself you will enjoy success and challenge and curing yourself of this problem will become enjoyable.
4. The most important step of all is your decision to confront, face and defeat this obstacle. Shyness is hurting you in so many ways and you must be absolutely prepared to take on the challenge of lessening its negative impact on your life. Decide today that you will do everything I am describing to beat it and regain your life. 
5. Practice relaxing your mind and body so that tension can be removed and you can feel calm even in the most difficult moments.
6. Make sure you are well prepared for challenging situations and rehearse them in your mind. If you are prepared for things that can go wrong and if you know what you will say and do in a certain situation you will have the confidence to keep calm and handle the situation well. 

The good news about shyness:

It can be unlearnt and you can make it less and less of an obstacle in your path. My problem was blushing and a huge lack of confidence that was preventing me from enjoying my younger days and was a huge problem at school and college. Then I read one very important book and putting the ideas in it to work I gradually began to regain my life and new confidence. The book I read was..................

How to manage events which cause you to suffer from shyness:

If you find yourself in a situation you find difficult the first thing you need to do is relax 

Normally the fear of the situation and the self-consciousness that your shyness brings cause you to panic or become tense and flustered. You feel terrible and fail to act calmly and confidently and this spirals out of control and you start to blush or feel like an idiot and experience physical pain. Do not panic! You just need to calm yourself down and relax in these moments.  

This is the technique I learnt to relax. Let's say you find yourself in a difficult situation your body will have started to react as if it is in a dangerous or highly stressful situation and your pulse rate and heart rate will jump, muscles will tense and you will feel physical signs of tension and possibly start blushing. Your instinct will be to run and you may feel panicked. What you want is to reverse this and feel confident, calm and in control. Here's what to do:

• control breathing - you should breath from the stomach not from the chest and slowly.  
• relax your muscle - start with your face muscles and then neck, shoulders, back, arm, chest, buttocks, leg muscles and tell each muscle to relax one by one
• relax mentally - when you breath in think calm and when you breath out think release negative thoughts  

Click here for more about relaxation technique and learn how to use it to your advantage, conquer your shyness problem and become much more confident in the process!

The Result:

If you can do these three steps even partially in a difficult situation you will find it helps but the problem is that sometimes you don't have time to control these at the time when you need to. With practice every day you can learn to do these steps easily and quickly and without being noticed and if you do practice them often they will become automatic. What you actually need to aim for is anticipating situations which are difficult for you and start relaxing before they happen then you will be ready to respond comfortably. This is a long term project and you will only improve gradually so don't give up, it will be worth it!

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References

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The Shy and Free site is divided into seven areas: Home (this page), Principles, Process, Secret, Ways, Stories, and Resources.  Click on the corresponding buttons at the top or bottom of each page to navigate to the desired area. Any underlined text is a link which will take you to additional information when clicked.  For information about the site, linking to this site, author and awards, click on the About button. Clicking on the Shyness Book Store link will take you to a comprehensive book store relating to shyness. Clicking on the Resources button will display additional Web Resources and will also reveal some of the sources that influenced this site and assisted in the author’s transformation.

One way to approach this site is by reading the first three areas: Principles that Transform Shyness,  A Process of Understanding Shyness, and the Secret of Transforming Shyness,  then explore the Ways that Transform Shyness, Stories, and Resources.

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