SELF CONTROL DEVELPING SELF CONTROL

Self Control as defined here is also known as impulse control or self regulation. Some psychologists prefer the term impulse control because it may be more precise and hopefully the Self is far more than impulses. The term Self regulation is used to refer to the many processes individuals use to manage drives and emotions. Therefore, self regulation also embodies the concept of will power. Self Regulation is an extremely important executive function of the brain. Deficits in self control/regulation are found in a large number of psychological disorders including ADHD, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, addiction, eating disorders and impulse control disorders^[4].

Tools for Handling Control Issues

I.Developing Self-Control

What is self-control?

Self-control is a set of behaviors which:

• Accepts the reality that the only thing in life which you can successfully change and control is yourself.
• Keeps in check all self-destructive, addictive, obsessive, compulsive, irrational, and unacceptable behaviors.
• Gives you a sense of personal mastery, autonomy, and competency over your own life.
• Is under your control and power to direct and orchestrate with no need for interference or manipulation from others.
• Makes you the master of your own destiny because it keeps in check those barriers and obstacles which are a threat to your overall success in life.
• Is a middle ground between perfectionism and laxity in self care.
• Results in your life having a balance and focus by helping you to cope with new challenges in life as they come.
• Helps you to keep your over-emotional responses in check or moderation.
• Helps you to open yourself up from nonfeeling or pulled-in emotions so that you can have a healthy emotional life.
• Is the foundation for healthy coping and contributes to your accepting personal responsibility for your life.
• Keeps your life in moderation, helping you to avoid extremes in any direction.
• Is the focus of the efforts to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life so that you can concentrate on yourself.
• Eliminates the need for you to be manipulative, helpless, fixing others, intimidating, overdependent or a caretaker of others.
• Helps you to be detached from others and to keep your relationships in a healthy balance of give and take.
• Reflects your inner desire to grow up into a mature, responsible adult.

What are the negative effects of not maintaining self-control?

If you cannot gain self-control in your life, you could:

• Focus all your attention on trying to control, fix, or rescue other persons, places, and things and divert your attention from your own needs.
• Suffer the negative impact of your out of control behaviors such as alcoholism, chemical dependency, overeating, compulsive sex, addictive relationships, compulsive shopping, gambling, smoking, etc.
• Become deeply depressed and despondent over your weakness and inability to get your life into "check'' or 'balance.''
• Prefer to be overly dependent on other helpers, caretakers, fixers, and rescuers to give your life the control it needs.
• Fall prey to an overly perfectionistic and idealistic belief system in which no matter how well you get things in order you see them as being imperfect and not good enough.
• Lose control over the emotional boundaries you need to maintain from becoming over enmeshed or controlled by others.
• Become lost as to where you begin and end and where others in your life begin and end in relationship to you.
• Find yourself responding to situations in your life either in an overly emotional and hysterical way or in a withdrawn, pulled-in and non-emotive way, with neither response being healthy or appropriate at the time.
• Find it impossible to become detached from people, places, or things who are toxic or unhealthy for you.
• Find yourself in a state of powerlessness to effect changes to get your life into moderation or balance.
• Fall into the trap of learned helplessness and convince yourself that you are not capable of taking care of yourself and thus allow your life to get more and more out of control.
• Seek out caretakers, fixers, or rescuers to help you solve your own problems and get your life under control.
• End up convinced that there is no way you can get your life into balance because the amount of work, effort, energy, and resources needed are too great an investment just for you when there are so many other people, places, and things on which you could better focus attention.
• Experience even lower self-esteem because of your inability to believe enough in your worth and value to take action to get your life into control.

How is self-control a control issue?

Self-control is a control issue because it is:

• Keeping the "locus of control'' internal and removes the "locus of control'' from the externals in your life.
• Giving to yourself the power and control to have an impact on your personal destiny and fortunes.
• Ensuring your focusing on what in life you have the ability to change and control, namely yourself.
• Not allowing yourself to fall into the trap of using manipulation or helplessness to get others to come to your rescue to fix or care for you.
• Not needing a "fixer'' or "caretaker'' to help you determine your own future.
• Not allowing survival behaviors to get in your way of reaching out for support, intimacy, and vulnerability from others in your life.
• Exercising moderation in your emotional reaction to life so that you are neither overcontrolled or undercontrolled in the expression of your feelings.
• Accepting responsibility for your own actions, feelings, thoughts, and life and giving power to yourself to accept the consequences for all of these.
• The lack of needing anyone else to "fix,'' "rescue'' or be a caretaker for you in order for you to be successful in your life.
• Being aware of people who are trying to control or exert power over you and you take the steps to change this.
• The exercising of your control and power over those things, people, or places to which you have a compulsive or addictive attraction so as to put them into a moderate or abstaining relationship with you.
• The realistic and rational exercise of power and control in your life.

What irrational thinking leads you to not exercise self-control?

• There is no sense in trying to gain control over this, since I'm going to fail at it anyway.
• There is no way I will ever be able to gain control over my behaviors.
• I'd rather have others do it for me.
• I prefer to have others monitor my behaviors and make me suffer negative consequences when I falter.
• If I no longer need them in my life to assist me gain control of myself, then they no longer will be interested in me.
• If I become too independent and in control, I'll be unappealing to them.
• I've never been parented in a healthy way and it's my turn now to get parented.
• I'm never going to grow up; it's too boring.
• I'm young yet so why do I need to act old?
• They'll just have to put up with me the way I am.
• I was like this before you met me and you knew who I was then, so don't try to change me now.
• I feel overwhelmed by all the responsibilities involved in being an adult.
• If they want me to change, then they'll have to work hard to make this happen.
• I like myself just the way I am.
• There is too much to change so why try?
• Why do I always have to do it for myself? Why can't others, just once, do it for me?
• It's so much easier to know what others need to do for themselves than it is for yourself.
• I've never had any luck in the past in controlling these behaviors so why should I expect to do better now?
• I hate trying to take charge of my life. It is always so tough and I never feel good when I do it.
• Loneliness is the major result of self-control and it keeps me from working harder on self growth.
• I'd rather be "sick'' than lonely.
• All this "centering on self'' stuff is absurd and nobody I know really does it so why should I?
• I'm so addicted I could never change.
• If you can't be 100% successful in changing, then why try in the first place?
• I hate myself so much for being weak, how could I ever make it straight?
• Giving up my old behaviors would change me so much that nobody would ever like me.
• I can't live with it but I can't live without it.
• My anxiety and frustration get worse when I try to control myself.
• I enjoy what I'm doing. Why stop now when I'm having fun?
• No one is going to tell me what I have to do with my life.

How you can develop self-control

In order to develop self-control you need to take the following steps.

First: You first need to identify in what areas of your life you need to gain more self-control. Review the following life arenas and identify any issues you may need to take control of.  

Life Arenas Control Issue Checklist  

A. Personal life  

___ (1) Balanced diet

___ (2) Unconditional acceptance and love of self

___ (3) Self-esteem recovery  

___ (4)Compulsive and/or addictive behaviors  

·                     ___ (a) Eating  

·                     ___ (b) Shopping

·                     ___ (c) Cleaning

·                     ___ (d) Alcohol

·                     ___ (e) Drugs

·                     ___ (f) Gambling

·                     ___ (g) Sex

·                     ___ (h) Smoking (nicotine)

·                     ___ (i) Relationships

·                     ___ (j) Sugar

·                     ___ (k) Crisis oriented activity

·                     ___ (l) Excessive activity

·                     ___ (m) Body image

·                     ___ (n) Exercise

·                     ___ (o) Obsessive behaviors

B. Relationships with fixers, helpers, caretakers, and enablers

___ (1) Overdependency on others

___ (2) Manipulation of others

___ (3) Helplessness

___ (4) Over enmeshment

___ (5) Lack of emotional boundaries

___ (6) Overuse of survival behaviors  

C.  Relationships with needy people

___ (1) Need to fix

___ (2) Use of intimidation

___ (3) Powerlessness to control them

___ (4) Dealing with threat of suicide

___ (5) Over idealism

___ (6) Need to be a caretaker

___ (7) Unconditional acceptance and love of others

___ (8) Establishing emotional boundaries

___ (9) Handling anger or resentment  

D. Work/school life

___ (1) Time management

___ (2) Stress management

___ (3) Workaholism

___ (4) Fear of success

___ (5) Assertiveness

___ (6) Self-image as worker and/or student

___ (7) Self recognition of accomplishments

___ (8) Handling perfectionism  

E. Community life

___ (1) Need for support system

___ (2) Involvement with others

___ (3) Participation in clubs and activities

___ (4) Recreational and leisure participation

___ (5) Participation in an organized religion

___ (6) Handling competition

___  (7) Handling leadership  

Second:    Once you have identified the various issues in which you need to develop more self-control, then you need to identify which emotions tend to lead you to be more out of control with these issues. Use the list of emotions and feelings clusters to identify for each issue out of control which emotions or feelings tend to exacerbate the loss of control.  

Emotions which lead to being out of control

Third: Once you have identified what feelings and emotions tend to exacerbate your loss of control, next identify what irrational beliefs lead to increased loss of control in each of these issues.  

Fourth: Then you need to identify new, rational, reality based, healthy thinking which will lead to your gaining control over these issues. Some self-affirmations are:  

• I can gain control over this.
• I am capable of controlling myself.
• I will take control of my behaviors.
• I can succeed in containing my compulsive/addictive behaviors.
• I am able to take one behavior at a time and keep it under control.
• It took a long time for me to become this way and it will take time to get it under control.
• I am a human being and not a perfect being so if I relapse and lose control it is OK as long as I get back on the wagon again.
• I can be rational, realistic, and healthy in my thinking, emotions, and actions.
• Changing old behaviors takes effort, time, and a motivation to change and I am willing to give all three of these to gain control of my life.
• I am a capable, lovable person who deserves to let go of the uncontrolled ways of my past so that I can grow, flourish, and be successful in my attempts to gain control in my life.
• I am the one person in my life whom I can control and change and I choose to do so.
• There isn't any thought, feeling, or behavior of mine I can't gain control over.
• I will make time for the work to develop my self-control.
• I will be a healthier person once I focus my efforts onto control of myself.
• Between handing over to my Higher Power the uncontrollables and unchangeables in my life and developing emotional detachment from the toxic relationships in my life, I will grow in self-control.
• I will cease using manipulation, helplessness, and overreaction with the people I am overdependent on.
• I will establish healthy, emotional boundaries between me and the people in my life.
• I will cease trying to fix, rescue, enable, correct, or change the people in my life.
• I will gain emotional support for myself when my emotional state is contributing to my behaviors getting out of control.
• I will work at moderating my thinking, emotions and behaviors so that I am able to have a balance in my life.

Step 5: Once you have identified healthy self-talk to help you through this time of gaining self-control, then you need to identify positive actions or behaviors which will assist you to develop self-control in your life. Such behaviors or actions are:  

• Stress reduction and relaxation work.  
• Self hypnosis.  
• Time management, planning, and scheduling.  
• An aerobic exercise program five to seven times a week.  
• A balanced diet.  
• Thought stopping.  
• Anger workout
• Spirituality formation and enhancement.  
• Motivation enhancement exercises.  
• Development of an emotional support system.  
• Joining a self help group (AA, NA, GA, SEA, etc.).  
• Altering relationships with people, places, and things.  
• Creative problem solving.  
• Reading self help books.  
• Using the Tools for Coping Series books.
• Keeping a personal journal.  
• Changing patterns or routines of daily life.  
• Self-affirmations work.  
• Inner child healing work.  
• Use of rational and realistic thinking.  
• Sublimating the urge to drink, eat, smoke, use drugs, have sex, shop, gamble, or some other self-medicating behavior by handing it over to your Higher Power
• Development of goals and objectives to be met on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly schedule with self monitoring of their achievement and refinement.  
• Permission to support system to "call you on it'' when you revert to old patterns of thinking, feeling, or behaving.  
• Avoiding settings which arouse negative emotions.  
• Diverting your attention from the old patterns of desires, temptations, or urges.  
• Talking out feelings with a support person
• Watching out for HALT situations which could lead to a relapse of out of control behaviors if I am feeling out of sorts and too: 
• H - Hungry
• A - Angry
• L - Lonely
• T - Tired  

Sixth: Once you have identified the set of healthy actions which assist the development of self-control, then develop a plan of action for each issue which is out of control for you.  

Seventh: Once your plans of action are developed, implement them one at a time, taking one issue at a time to get under control. To decide which issues to take first, prioritize the issues using the following scale.  

• Highest Priority This issue is so out of control that your life is in danger.  
• High Priority This issue is so out of control that your physical and mental health are in peril.  
• Average Priority This issue is out of control and it affects your thinking and emotions so that you get compulsive or obsessive with it.  
• Slight Priority This issue is out of control but it presents no current threat to my life, health, or actions.  

Eighth: Once you have prioritized the issues to be worked on, then begin to implement the plans of action to get them under your control.  

Ninth: If after a time you find that you are still out of control, then return to first step and begin again.

Steps to developing self-control

Step 1: In order to develop self-control in your life, you need to identify in your journal what issues in your life arenas are out of control for you. Use the Life Arenas Control Issue Checklist  in this Chapter to help you. As you identify the issues out of control for you, answer the following questions in your journal.  

A. What are the compulsive behaviors over which you need to develop more self-control? Why are these a problem for you? Which could be classified as addictive? Habit? Bad behavioral trait? Old pattern of acting?  

B. How does your body or self-image contribute to your being out of control?  

C. How does your obsessive tendency affect your self-control?  

D. How in control are your efforts at working on your recovery from low self-esteem?  

E. Who are the fixers, enablers, helpers, and caretakers, and rescuers in your life? How out of control are your relationships with them? What control mechanisms do you use to keep them "hooked'' into caring for you?  

F. Who are the "needy'' people in your life? What control mechanisms do you use to fix, save, change, or rescue them? How out of control are these efforts?  

G. How in control of yourself are you on the job or at school? What are your behaviors which are out of control there?  

H. How in control are you in your community life? How obsessive or compulsive are you in your outside interests, clubs, church, or hobbies?  

I.  How does your being from a dysfunctional family explain why so much of your life is out of your control at present?  

J. How does your current inactive relationship with your Higher Power reflect how out of control your life has become? How would getting a more active relationship with your Higher Power assist you to develop self-control?  

Step 2: Once you have assessed the state of your being out of control, then identify in your journal what emotions make you most vulnerable to being out of control on each issue listed in Step 1. Use the Emotions which lead to being out of control in this chapter to help you identify the emotions which make you vulnerable to being out of control..

Step 3: Once you have identified the emotions which help keep you out of control, then identify in your journal the thinking that contributes to your lack of self-control.  

Step 4: Identify in your journal new self-talk which would encourage your efforts at developing self-control.  

Step 5: Once new self-talk is identified, then proceed to identify in your journal behavioral strategies for gaining control over each issue identified in Step 1. Use this outline to help you identify your plan of action.  

Self-Control Action Planning Outline  

Step 6: Develop an action plan in your journal for each out of control issue in your life

Step 7: Decide which issues are the highest priority needing your attention and record this in your journal.  

Step 8: Implement your plans of action for your priority issues first. Then proceed with the other issues identified in Step 1 until they all have been addressed.  

II. Will Power and Welf Control

If the self is power, then what is the will? The will is also power. It is that which exerts conscious control over a person's behavior; it is that power of choice between alternative actions;¹ it is that which intentionally directs the mind toward thought or action. In short, will is a rational causality belonging to our, the power of practical reason.

That such a will exists is also basic to personal experience. The will is known to us through the effort we often feel necessary to pursue a rational cause against our desires; through the conscious strength of will required to overcome a habit, such as smoking or drinking; through the act of altering our future, as when we decide to get married, to volunteer for military service, or to go to college; through the affirmation of our beliefs and the denial of those of others; and through the dogged determination with which some oppose their enemies, torturers, and executioners. In short, the will is what brings the mind to rational or physical action. It is not rational thinking or doing itself, as when we carry out a logical deduction or make a chess move, but the will is the power to actualize these rational potentials.

Because both the self and the will are powers, what is their relationship? The will is a facet of the self, a particular ability (power) to exercise conscious choice and use practical reason. It is a particularization of the self's power, as is the ego in coordinating and controlling choices, the memory in recalling past experiences and ideas, intelligence in the quality and nature of the choice, and so on. The will, however, is the specific aspect of the self guiding the person through practical reasons toward self-actualization and self-esteem. It is the will as power that enables a person to choose and make ² his chess moves against nature.

With this understanding of will, I can now make more understandable my use of will in previous chapters. As a power, the will is ontologically a vector. It has direction and strength (length) associated with that direction, and as a distinct power the will is separable as, a vector from the other powers and aspects of the dynamic field. Recall from that a person's behavior is partly the product of the personality and situation on the one hand, and partly the product of behavioral dispositions and expectations on the other. The personality encompasses those powers of the self called abilities and ego, as well as the superego and self-sentiment. It also

includes the basic motivational powers, temperamental dispositions, and moods and states. The personality, however, is insufficient by itself to complete the connection between behavioral dispositions and expectations, for there is lacking a rational director to link intentions with situations and behavioral dispositions with expectations. The will is the power of choice; it is the power to bring the person to act in a specific way; it is the mode of transformation of potentials, dispositions, needs, sentiments, and interests into manifestations; it is the active force that adjusts the motivations and temperamental dispositions to one's intentions in a particular situation. As such, the will is a pure vector of power which completes the vector equation called the tetradic structure, as portrayed in Figure 29.1.

For my purposes, little more need be said about the nature of the will and self. The self is power, a facet of which is will. The will is practical reason bringing the person to action. Now, for the question: Do we have a free will?

III. WHAT RELIGIONS SAY ABOUT SELF-CONTROL

       Self-control is necessary for any spiritual progress.  Unruly

thoughts, attractions of the senses, lustful desires, anger, covetousness,

and avarice constantly arise in the mind of the person who has no mental

discipline; and these impel him to do evil deeds.  If a person cannot

direct his thoughts, desires, and actions according to his own will, how

can he possibly direct his soul to God and keep his life on the path of

truth?  Unless the higher mind is strengthened and given the will power to

master the impulses of the flesh mind, there will be little room for God

to dwell with that mind.  Thus, central to the religious life is

self-control.

       The passages in this section feature two nearly universal metaphors

employed to describe self-control: military conquest and the horse and

rider. More relevant passages are gathered under the topics Restraint, pp.

917-21, and Subdue Desires, pp. 925-32.

Irrigators lead the waters.  Fletchers bend the shafts.  Carpenters bend

wood. The virtuous control themselves.

                     Buddhism.  Dhammapada 80 and 145

With the conquest of my mind, I have conquered the whole world.

                Sikhism.  Adi Granth, Japuji 28, M.1, p. 6

Dhammapada 80: Self-control is as necessary to the inner life as skill in

shaping wood, metal, or water is required for good industry.  Spiritual

training is the counterpart to learning a secular trade; cf. Guide to the

Bodhisattva's Way of Life 4.40, p. 744.  For the comparisons to the

physical training of an athlete, see 1 Timothy 4.7-8, p. 716; 1

Corinthians 9.24-27, p. 745.  Japuji 28, M.1: Cf. Shalot Sehskriti, M.5,

p. 1055; Bhagavad Gita 6.5-6, p. 680.

Though one should conquer a million men on the battlefield, yet he,

indeed, is the noblest victor who has conquered himself.

                        Buddhism.  Dhammapada 103

       Though a man should conquer thousands and thousands of valiant

foes, greater will be his victory if he conquers nobody but himself.

       Fight with yourself; why fight with external foes?  He who conquers

himself through himself will obtain happiness....

       Difficult to conquer is oneself;  but when that is conquered,

everything is conquered.

                  Jainism.  Uttaradhyayana Sutra 9.34-36

Before you desire to control the universe, you must first be able to

completely control yourself.

              Unification Church.  Sun Myung Moon, 11-22-70

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,

and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

                Judaism and Christianity.  Proverbs 16.32

Who is strong?  He who controls his passions.

                       Judaism.  Mishnah, Abot 4.1

Abu Huraira reported God's Messenger as saying, "The strong man is not the

good wrestler; the strong man is only he who controls himself when he is

angry."

                   Islam.  Hadith of Bukhari and Muslim

That man is disciplined and happy

       who can prevail over the turmoil

That springs from desire and anger,

       here on earth, before he leaves his body.

                      Hinduism.  Bhagavad Gita 5.23

The Prophet declared, "We have returned from the lesser holy war (al jihad

al-asghar) to the greater holy war (al jihad al-akbar)."  They asked, "O

Prophet of God, which is the greater war?"  He replied, "Struggle against

the lower self."

                              Islam.  Hadith

Dhammapada 103: Cf. Dhammapada 42, p. 392; Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way

of Life 4.28-35, p. 392.  Uttaradhyayana Sutra 9.34-36: Cf. Acarangasutra

2.78, p. 926; Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah 43, p. 407.  Sun

Myung Moon, 11-22-70:  'To control the universe,' that is, to have any

good influence over the affairs of the world, first one's self control

should be perfect.  Proverbs 16.32: Cf. 1 Peter 2.11, p. 926.  Abot 4.1:

The verse goes on to quote Proverbs 16.32, above.  Cf. Berakot 5a, p. 926.

Bhagavad Gita 5.23: Cf. Bhagavad Gita 3.41, p. 417; 6.5-6, p. 680.

Hadith: This is an important Sufi tradition.  The 'lesser jihad' is jihad

in the ordinary sense: the war against external foes. The 'greater jihad'

is the spiritual war, whose battleground is the soul.

Attack the evil that is within yourself; do not attack the evil that is in

others.

                      Confucianism.  Analects 12.21

He who knows others is wise;

He who knows himself is enlightened.

He who conquers others has physical strength;

He who conquers himself is strong.

                         Taoism.  Tao Te Ching 33

It is true that the mind is restless and difficult to control.  But it can

be conquered, Arjuna, through regular practice and detachment.  Those who

lack self-control will find it difficult to progress in meditation; but

those who are self-controlled, striving earnestly through the right means,

will attain the goal.

                     Hinduism.  Bhagavad Gita 6.35-36

The flickering, fickle mind, difficult to guard, difficult to control--the

wise person straightens it as a fletcher straightens an arrow.

Like a fish that is drawn from its watery abode and thrown upon land, even

so does this mind flutter.  Hence should the realm of the passions be

shunned.

The mind is hard to check, swift, flits wherever it lists: to control it

is good.  A controlled mind is conducive to happiness.

The mind is very hard to perceive, extremely subtle, flits wherever it

lists. Let the wise person guard it; a guarded mind is conducive to

happiness.

Faring far, wandering alone, bodiless, lying in a cave, is the mind.

Those who subdue it are freed from the bonds of Mara.

                       Buddhism.  Dhammapada 33-37

Man makes a harness for his beast; all the more should he make one for the

beast within himself, his evil desire.

                Judaism.  Jerusalem Talmud, Sanhedrin 10.1

Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,

which must be curbed with bit and bridle,

else it will not keep with you.

                  Judaism and Christianity.  Psalm 32.9

Analects 12.21: Cf. Analects 12.1, p. 547; 2.2, p. 926; 5.21-23, p. 199;

16.7, p. 928.  Bhagavad Gita 6.35-36: Cf. Bhagavad Gita 6.10-27, pp. 843f.

Dhammapada 33-37: Cf. Dhammapada 25, p. 715; Guide to the Bodhisattva's

Way of Life 4.28-35, p. 392.

Excellent are trained mules, so are thoroughbred horses of Sindh and noble

tusked elephants; but far better is he who has trained himself.

Formerly this mind went wandering where it liked, as it wished and as it

listed.  Today with attentiveness I shall completely hold it in check, as

a mahout controls an elephant in must.

                      Buddhism.  Dhammapada 322, 326

       Know that the Self is the rider, and the body the chariot; that the

intellect is the charioteer, and the mind the reins.

       The senses, say the wise, are the horses; the roads they travel are

the mazes of desire....

       When a man lacks discrimination and his mind is uncontrolled, his

senses are unmanageable, like the restive horses of a charioteer.  But

when a man has discrimination and his mind is controlled, his senses, like

the well-broken horses of a charioteer, lightly obey the rein.

                    Hinduism.  Katha Upanishad 1.3.3-6

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