---

Mothers of Angels is a safe haven where mothers who have lost children can share their pain, be comforted, share memories of their children with other mothers who can relate to their loss and be assured that what gets said in the group, stays in the group. We encourage all mothers who have lost a child to join us whether to be comforted or to comfort others.


mothersofangels@palmettostateroots.org

or

Join us on any Tuesday at 7:00 P.M. in the fellowship hall
 of Wise Drive Baptist Church in Sumter, South Carolina.
or
Join our Yahoo emailing listserv at:
Mothers of Angels Group E-mailing List

If you are a mother
who walks in our shoes,
 or you know a mother
 who has lost a child,
 please, come meet with us,
 or email us and a mother
who understands will get in touch.

---

To assist Mothers of Angels with printing and mailing expenses,
you may make donations to:

 Wise Drive Baptist Church
2751 S. Wise Drive
Sumter, SC 29150

(Write in the memo section of your check, "Mothers of Angels Ministry.")

---

Some Things That We Have Learned and Experienced

• Losing a child is "out of order."
• We will never be the same person as before our loss.
• There are no set-in-concrete stages or timelines in grief.
• It is typical to feel almost numb for the first few months. When that numbness lifts, it can be very frightening.
• There is no "normal" in grieving.
• Try to think of the feelings as a wave and ride it out.
• Other people will not understand your grief unless you share it.
• It helps to find support people so that you can continue to talk about your child. This is necessary for you to get a balance with your memories.
• It is okay to talk about your child for as long as you want.
• It is okay to keep their belongings for as long as you want.
• It is okay to include remembering your lost child in celebrations and special occasions for as long as you want.
• It is very normal to fear that you are "going crazy."
• We may lose or become distanced from old friends who don’t seem to understand our pain and grief.
• We can gain new friends and support from others who have also experienced the death of a child and therefore understand our feelings.
• Talking to and being with other bereaved mothers is extremely helpful.
• Grief waits.  If you put it away and try to ignore it, it will simply wait until you have no choice but to experience it.
• We grieve as intensely as we love.
• Finding "closure" is not a requirement of healing. For parents, it is not even an option.
• Bereaved parents do not ever “get over” the death of their children nor can we just “snap out of it” as the outside world seems to think we can and should do.
• You have a right to your emotions.  Your emotions are simply yours. There is no perfect way to grieve.
• We have learned that we must acknowledge our anxieties. If we admit to their presence, they will eventually leave--but only if you don't run from them.
• We must make a conscious decision to "get better."
• We have to discover a “new normal” for ourselves and our families in a world that no longer includes our beloved children.
• Although we may feel overwhelmed and out of control, we can still have the deep inner peace that comes from God alone.
• The time will come when we will smile and find joy again.
• Even in death . . . love remains.

---

Do's and Don'ts for Helping Someone

 After the Loss of Their Child

DO'S

• Do let your genuine concern and care show.

• Do be available: to listen, to help with other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time.

• Do say you are sorry about what happened to their child and about the pain they are experiencing.

• Do allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.

• Do encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves, and not to impose any "SHOULDS" on themselves.

• Do allow them to talk.

• Let survivors know that you will remain their friend and that they mean a great deal to you

• Do say, "I'm here. Call me any time of the day or night. I'll cry with you, I'll listen to you and I'll even laugh with you. I'll always have tissues."

• Do give special attention to the child's brothers and sisters, at the funeral and in the months to come. They too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give them at the time

• Do reassure them that the medical care their child received was the best possible, and/or be positive about anything else you know to be true and positive about the care given their now-deceased child.

• Do help them to remember by saying something like, "Wasn't it a year ago that you lost your child? How about we go for a walk or out to lunch. I'll always remember this day next year and the year after.

• Do support survivors in their effort to reconstruct a life, even (or especially) if it means a major change in their lifestyle, or work, or place of residence.

DONT'S

• Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved parent.

• Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable.Being avoided by friends adds pain to an already intolerable and painful experience.

• Don't say you know how they feel, unless you've lost a child yourself, you don't know how they feel.

• Don't say "You ought to be feeling better by now," or anything else that implies a judgment about their feelings.

• Don't change the subject when they mention their child.

• Don't avoid mentioning the child's name for fear of reminding them of their pain. They haven't forgotten it for a moment.

• Don't try to find something positive about the child's death.

• Don't point out that at least they have another child or children. Children are not interchangeable! They cannot replace each other.

• Don't say that they can have another child. Even if they could, or wanted to, another child would not replace the child they have lost.

• Don't make any comments which in any way suggest that the care in the home, or in the emergency room, hospital, or wherever, was inadequate. Parents are plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt without any help from their family or friends.

What Not to Say to the Grieving

1. The number one "No No" word is the word "closure." "Closure is simply a media buzz word with no substance." There will never be closure.
   

2. "Your loved one is in a better place" - surviving families feel that the "better place" is home with them.
3. "You need to go on with your life - let it go"
   
4. "I know how you feel" - unless you have lost a beloved child you will never know how the surviving parent feel.

5. "Things happen for a reason" 
6. "God needs him more than we did" - who can speak for God?

7. "He will no longer be in pain" -
8. "It will be all right" - how can it be all right? 
9. "It will get better" - things may get easier, but it takes many months and even years - too far in the future for families to find comfort from these words.
10. "It was God's will" 
11. "He was in the wrong place at the wrong time" - this statement places the blame on the victim.
12. "Time heals all wounds" - time doesn't heal anything - it's what you do with that time.
13. "You are so strong"
14. "I admire your courage"
15. "Life goes on"
16. "Count your blessings"
17. "Only the good die young"
18. "You still have your memories"
19. "What doesn't kill you, helps you"
20. "God didn't give you anything you cannot handle"
21. "God has something better for you in store"
22. "This will pass"
23. "I wasn't able to come to your child's funeral. I just couldn't face it."
    

---

---

Our Angels

Quotations

Scripture

E-Mail

Links

Songs

Home

Sumter, South Carolina