Meetings

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He asked first whether Tay was in. Normally Tay wouldn't think of stirring up a fuss in any house, including his own, not even if he found out that Sol was visiting his betrothed to talk him over in his absence; but the Tay that Sol had spoken to by the river was not like any side of the undoubtedly many-faceted cub-bearer that Sol had ever seen. Taydren had grown, and there was the potential for that growth to be good, but Sol wasn't sure that it was good just yet.

At any rate, it was always best to be safe. So he knocked first and asked, and when Denen answered the door and told him that Tay hadn't been there since the evening before, he asked after Cour.

Cour was in, sitting on the bed in his small, almost painfully clean room and working measurements for medicinal mixtures with a careful hand. When Denen showed Sol in Cour looked at him expectantly, almost resignedly, and Sol was struck suddenly with the impression that Cour had been waiting for him.

A look passed between Denen and his prodigy, and, as understanding as if they had spoken, Denen left. Sol was glad that he'd asked no questions; he himself had to many questions just then to be able to answer any. Cour slid silently off the side of the bed, gathered up his work, and put it away; then he motioned Sol onto the bedspread and sat back down beside him.

"You're here about Tay," he said quietly. There had been no question in it, but Sol nodded anyway.

"He came over after the twins this morning," he explained steadily. "We haven't seen each other up close since a couple days after his birthday. I knew he was avoiding me, but at first I didn't think anything of it. Some cub-bearers like to have their privacy after a thing like that, and Tay... Well, I knew his reasons for it, and he had more to think over afterward than most. So I left him alone. Then you and he got together, and I didn't want to interfere. I never meant to court him, and he never meant to be courted, but we had our issues." He cast a measuring glance Cour's way. "I don't think he really wanted to carry out the requirements. There was a time when I believed that, but looking at him now, I can't. He felt compelled. Do you know what I mean?"

Cour nodded. "He thinks it's his duty to go on for his tribe," the younger male said frankly. "Sometimes I think he feels guilty for surviving. He tries to make himself believe he wants to be alone, but in reality loneliness is the only thing he can't stand. He was angry at you when you found out, wasn't he?"

"How did you know?" Sol asked, caught by surprise. "He's never been like that before."

"Not in public," Cour corrected thoughtfully. "Even after all these years he still thinks of all of us as unknowns, people to watch out for and fool into thinking he's stronger than he is."

"'Never let your enemy think you weak,'" Sol quoted sardonically, "'for he will fall upon you as a conquest of little effort.'"

"The old poets and Tay would have gotten along well," Cour observed sadly. "But I've been let in. He lets himself out in front of me-not often, but sometimes, and when he does..." He caught his lower lip sharply between pale teeth. "He's scared of everything. Of being alone, of being found out, even of himself. He's clinging to this cub like his last hope.

"He was going to keep it secret from everyone. Well, Kelper and the twins already knew-Kelper was the one who told him he's pregnant," Cour added. His mouth curled into a hesitant smile. "I'd better get moving, or he's going to move in and Denen will be out of room."

"Pretty soon," Sol agreed, his heart lightening at the thought of his smaller brother. "He won't leave the twins behind."

"I didn't think so." Cour sighed. "In any case, that idea went by the wayside fairly soon. I knew from the minute he came home from that hunting trip that he was going to have a cub, and he realised that I would, I think. He came to me the afternoon Kelper told him, asking for help."

"A big concession," Sol noted, thinking of how diligently the cub-bearer had always cared for his own needs. "He must love this cub."

His forehead creased as he thought over his own words. "Only one?"

"Yes, just the one," Cour admitted. "He asked that too. I told him, it's most likely because of his tribe-their birth rates were falling and had been for quite a while-and beyond that, just because this is his first. The first time is almost always less."

Sol made a small sound of agreement in the back of his throat before turning back to the more important question at hand. "If he does want the cub this much, then where do you stand? Do you want them both? You surely can't be ready for a family yet."

Cour shook his head, his mouth tightening thoughtfully. "I guess I hadn't really thought of not taking them both. Tay... he's made the cub a part of himself, almost." Blue eyes swiveled to look earnestly into Sol's brown ones. "I don't think he even thought of the possibility of me rejecting it, and he always collects as much trouble as he can. I certainly didn't think of that.

"I've never seen anybody so attached as he is. Maybe it comes from going so long without any family or friends. Now that he has the chance to have his own flesh and blood around him again, he's holding on to it with everything he's got."

"But that can't be healthy," Sol objected, "not for him or the cub. I may not be anywhere near married, but I do know cubs. He'll spoil right off."

"I know," Cour acknowledged softly. "I just don't know what to do about it. I have this feeling that there are bounds to what even I can do before he just breaks away..."

The room fell into quiet; then the younger Kindred groaned suddenly.

"I don't know what to do at all nowadays. Sometimes I think I wish I had just stayed out of it. I love Tay," he flushed but went on, "and I want to marry him, but juggling we two in his plans is killing him. If he were on his own-"

"If he were on his own, he'd go down within days of the birth," Sol interrupted firmly. "He needs someone to support him. He's afraid to be alone, you said it yourself. He can't stand it. For now he may think that having the cub will mean no more loneliness, but when that cub comes along he's going to realise that a cub isn't all he needs. Someone to love, yes, and someone to love him back even, but what he needs is support, not only company, love, and acceptance. A cub can't talk things out, or help make decisions, and if he tries to make things go that way, that cub will end up stressed and hurt and maybe even hating him.

"You may think he doesn't need you now, but if you'd ask him, he does. He'll be able to see it more clearly once he gets past his conceptions of parenthood, too."

"So you think some of this will work itself out?" Cour wanted to know, and after considering this for a minute, Sol nodded.

"Some of it, yes. Not all, or even most; I think a lot of it is left over from his cubhood, and that will take a while to work out. He seems to think of any kind of forgetting as a betrayal to his tribe, or so I've noticed. It's keeping him from getting past some of the things that aren't good for him."

"But I don't know what to do about it," Cour complained, frustrated. "He's held onto those things so long, I don't know if he can let go of them anymore."

"He's letting go of them already," Sol retorted, smiling ironically. "You're helping him more than you know. Do you know the number of times I've seen him come to our door looking for the twins since you two got together? He never did that before. He'd wait for them to come out. He comes to market more often too."

"I have noticed that," Cour confessed. "He always used to let Vayrsila do it. I didn't really think about the other, though..."

"It's me that's bothering him," Sol decided, drawing his eyebrows together critically. "His problems with you are passing things, things he can only get over with time. But he's scared of me, isn't he?" He turned a questioning glance on the bed's owner. "When he talked to me, he was acting like I was something to be wary of."

"He's not scared of you," Cour remarked sincerely, "he's scared of what you can do."

"What I can do?"

Cour nodded, steadfast.

"It all comes back to the cub," he explained. "You're the father. He's afraid of what you'll want, and afraid that you'll take the cub from him. In his subconscious, I think he just can't comprehend that anybody would be willing to share something that he wants so much. Like I said, he sees that cub as his only family. He's like a cub with his toys." Sol found himself fixed with a gaze of almost nervous curiosity. "You wouldn't take him, would you?"

"The cub?" Sol asked, beginning to feel slightly dazed again. He hadn't thought of taking the cub, or even of what would become of it, though he had known from the moment he realised what Tay's secret was that he wanted to know the infant. That was the only thing he had ever regretted when it had come to him that no matter how long he looked, he was never going to find a mate of his own, for, though he rather liked his solitude, he had always loved looking after cubs. But, now that he had one of his own after all, what was he going to do about it?

He couldn't take the cub from Tay, he decided at once. A cub needed its da, even more than its sire, and Cour would be good as a father figure. Now if only he could get Tay to agree to letting him see his son!

"No," he told Cour resolutely, "I won't. Tay and the cub will need to be together. But..." he began hesitantly. "If you would... after Tay calms down maybe... would you put in a word for me?"

He grinned, suddenly shy, at the younger male's questioning look.

"I would like to be around," he clarified quickly, clasping his hands together in his lap to prevent making nervous gestures with them. "Even if Tay won't let me be the cub's father, I'd like at least to see him more than once a week. Do you know what I mean?"

"I think I do. But are you sure that's all you'll want? As he grows older, can you be sure you won't want more than that?" Cour's face set seriously. "I don't want Tay getting hurt when you change your mind, Sol."

"I wouldn't hurt Tay," Sol answered solemnly, holding Cour's eyes. "If I change my mind, it will be me miserable, not him. I'm not going to ask for anything more than what he agrees to."

The younger male seemed to think this over, then accept it.

"As long as you're sure. I'll ask Tay when he feels better, though I warn you that may be a while. He's not been doing well with emotions since he got pregnant, and I don't think that will change until after the cub's here. Still, I think it would be better if I ask him before then, so I'll see what I can do," he promised. "That was all, right?"

Sol nodded.

"Then did you see where he went? I'd like to go talk to him."

"Oh. He ran back toward here; I thought maybe he'd come to you, but Denen said he hasn't been by," Sol mused. "He was really mad, but I don't think so much that he'd go off by himself. I told him the twins were behind the house, maybe he went there?"

"No, he wouldn't go there, they're too loud," Cour muttered to himself, then amended the sentence for Sol's benefit.

"When Tay's upset he likes to get away from as many people and as much noise as he can. It makes him feel safer."

"But he can't get away from them all, because he's scared to be by himself lately," Sol reasoned. "So is there a place where he'd be near people but wouldn't have to deal with them?"

"Not really," Cour grumbled. "I suppose he might go to the hilltop. He likes the cup there, and if he's angry enough he might not have thought beyond the fact that there are people within sight. Or maybe he went to his space in the bushes. I'll go see." He rose, groaning uncomfortably at the twinges sitting too long had created, and led Sol out through the main house and into the garden, where the spring wildflowers were blooming in boisterous, untidy bunches among the more hardy herbs that Denen had set out and the first slender stalks of the late-blooming lilies were stretching their heads above the ground. A spring cub, Sol thought suddenly. That's what he'll be.

They parted ways in front of the house: Sol going back home, the only place he really could go, and Cour heading up onto their share of the faint, nubby mounds that passed for hills in the lands north of the River Rnys as he had promised, to look for the bearer of Sol's cub. What a strange thought.

What a strange mess.

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