Only A Cub
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They curled up on the bed together, with Fern sandwiched between them, a look of uncertain worry on his round little face and a strand of his doll's brown yarn hair in his mouth. Every once in a while his hand would twitch, as if to reach out and touch his da's still tear-stained cheek, but with that hesitance so typical of cubs in a crisis, he never did. The tiny suntanned hand twitched back to its owner's side time and again until finally Lupin slid his own larger one into it. Sineult looked half in a dream, with one cheek cuddled into the pillow as if he had gone back in time to his childhood, but Sineult of course had never really grown up. It was easy to think it, because he was beautiful now instead of only cute, but appearance didn't change a lot in the grand scheme of things, and it didn't change the fact that Sineult wasn't getting along too well right now. The cub probably wasn't helping matters.
For himself, Lupin didn't seem to be getting on too well either. He had stopped crying before Mem went to talk to the others, but his throat still felt unnaturally tight when he breathed. He was sure if he tried to say anything he'd wind up crying all over again.
It wasn't so much that he had panicked. In fact, after the first spate of crying he'd been very calm, so calm that he scared himself. Everything was just too much like before had been, like when he was six and people started dropping dead around him, or like at his father's death, when he had felt so dead himself. Back then the Lonely Sickness would have been almost a blessing. He wasn't afraid, he was just too drained to be anything except weepy. Maybe it was selfishness, to not care about how Beryl was doing and what his parents were feeling, to not even be able to reach over to Sineult, a foot away from him, and squeeze his arm or say a few comforting words, but if it was, he didn't have a clue how to stop it. Was this how people in shock felt?
Hemlock had told him that he would have to go somewhere safe, for the cub's sake, and Hemlock would of course have to stay. Lupin wasn't quite sure if that had sunk in yet, but it would over time. He had suggested that he go home with Sineult, or Sineult with him, whichever they decided was better; he didn't think Jade or Spruce would be coming, not with the sick cub being theirs, and Jessamine certainly wasn't. Now that he thought back on the idea, it came to him that they would be two pregnant cub-bearers in a house alone, which might not be a good idea on its own. Then again, it couldn't be worse than one alone with no support.
In any case Hemlock had agreed. Onyx had seemed pretty accepting of the arrangement too; it would probably be the way things were. Sineult had been too busy crying to put in an opinion of his own, and Fern had stayed so quiet that it was hard to recall he was still there.
Lupin thought that maybe that was his biggest problem. The grownups he could deal with; Hemlock, Spruce, maybe even Jade if he could keep his head focused on Jade's problems and not his own, but the cubs in the house - those were terrible. In Fern's eyes he could see something of what he could remember feeling: the whole house was falling apart, when just a minute ago it had been the best place in the world, and though all the poor cub wanted to know was why, nobody would tell him for fear of upsetting his heart or their own. No one wanted to tell him that one of his playmates, his best friends, was probably dying and certainly no one wanted to have the responsibility of making sure he knew it wasn't his fault. Cubs were difficult that way. If they decided that the blame was on them, then it was, and very little that a grownup could say would make that go away. It was hard to be the one who had gotten that wheel of self-loathing started.
There would be more before the day was out. Everyone seemed to have forgotten that, or was trying so hard not to think about it that they'd pushed it entirely away from themselves. Lupin's family had always been mired in the past, true as they could manage to their old roots, and Lupin had gotten more Kindred 'history' lessons than he imagined anyone except Jade had. (No Kindred in modern days could really teach the true history of the Kindred. Everything that got handed down nowadays was legend, probably embellished and redone more than a million times, yet even the strangest of tales usually had some truth in them. Lupin preferred to err on the side of caution.)
In the old days people had called it the punishment of the gods, though Lupin had yet to find out what the punishment was for in that case. Every story that Lupin had ever heard about it agreed on a few things at least. Firstly, that it drove its victims insane; secondly, that very few had ever survived (some went so far as to say 'none', but those were probably from older sources). Thirdly there was always mention of the outbreak being an epidemic, a sudden, widespread spotting of the disease. Deathfever didn't just start in one place, it started in half a dozen at once, and it was only after that initial flood that containing it was really a possibility or a necessity. After all, why try to contain something that was coming only from a source that no one could identify?
Hemlock had to know it. Jessamine probably knew as well. There wasn't a way to contain it until the original source, whatever it was, dissipated and let the normal course of infection go about its work.
On the other side of Fern, Sineult's eyelids started to droop slowly. This comforted Lupin. It would do Sineult good to sleep for a while and not think about how things were going. Gods, but he was being a terrible brother... He had done better than this often when he had been living with Sundrop and his family, and Sundrop had been a cousin, not a little brother. How much better did he need to be for Sineult, the brother he had wanted almost always? He should be comforting, not worrying about himself and his own hangups, if only he knew what he was supposed to be doing. He knew how little all those words did, the "it'll be okay"s and the "I'm sorry"s, and he didn't want it to be like that between Sineult and he, only words and nothing to back them up. Because in reality he didn't think it would be okay, and saying he was sorry wouldn't bring Beryl or Fern back if the worst came to be.
Maybe it wasn't that he didn't care what happened to Beryl. Maybe he cared too much. All he could see in his mind's eye was his cousins, not even sure what was going on as one at a time they sickened and died. Sundrop had thought it was his own fault that his twin had 'gone away', Lupin was sure. Butterfly and his twin had been only infants. And all Lupin could think about was that look of profound relief on Sundrop's face when his parents had to explain to him that he was dying...
What would Amber do, if whatever tie held Beryl in safety gave way this time? It had never faced something so big before. Amber would never stay if Beryl was gone. What would Jade and Spruce do?
How could this be happening again? He was only a cub!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Fern's da is sleeping now, and Fern is glad because before he was crying and Fern didn't know what to do to make him better. It makes Fern a little scared when his da cries. Grownup people aren't supposed to cry like that. Fern's papa was here before to make Da feel better, but now he's gone away someplace, so he can talk to Tané Hemlock and Tané Spruce about making Fern and his da go home before they get sick like Beryl is. Fern's papa told him about that too, how Beryl's sick now and Fern can't play with him or Amber 'til he gets better again but he wouldn't tell him how long that is. Fern hopes it's not too long. He was going to play with them again today! He guesses now he'll have to wait for a while. Maybe tomorrow they'll be good enough to go outside.
He doesn't know why everybody's so upset. Beryl's been sicked up before and nobody ('cept Tala Jade) was unhappy about those times. This time everybody's been crying, and Beryl was making such a fuss about his bath - Beryl never ever makes fusses like he did then. Tala Jade doesn't let him do it, and Beryl's too good anyway, lots better than Fern, though that's not Fern's fault.
Tala Lupin is with them too; Papa put them all to bed in the middle of daylight, and Fern doesn't like it at all but everybody's all worried and crying and he doesn't feel like complaining, 'cause that would make Da more sad. Tala Lupin isn't crying now-he was before, but he stopped, and now he's just laying still and breathing funny like he wants to. That makes Fern scared too. Das aren't supposed to cry, and neither are talas when they've always been happy and good at having lots of fun before. Fern isn't too sure if he wants to know what's going on that could make everybody sad and scared like this.
He wonders now, laying still like cream of a cookie between Tala Lupin and Da, what will happen to Fern's little brother if Da is so scared and crying? Does it make the cub in his tummy scared too? And what about Fern's Tala Lupin! Does it make Scammony scared? He hopes it doesn't! He doesn't know how to make him un-scared if that's what's happening now...
"Tala Lupin," he says, quiet as he can be so his da doesn't wake up. Tala Lupin nods a little nod and winds up his neck so Fern can see his face and Tala Lupin can see Fern's.
"Yes?" Tala Lupin asks in just as quiet a voice. Fern blinks and swallows. Maybe it's not polite to ask what's going on inside? Da says it's not good to ask people about under their clothes, and Scammony is, but Da asked before! And everyone asked about Da's cub, which is just as much under Da's clothes as Scammony is under Tala Lupin's. He sucks his bottom lip for a minute before he decides that he'd better just ask and see what happens.
"I finked... 'bout Scammony. You an' Da 're sad, or somethin', an' I di'n't..." Fern sighs. How can he say it? He doesn't want to get in trouble. He thinks for another second before he screws up his courage and says what he wanted to anyway.
"You an' Da start'd t' cry... So I finked, does you bein' sad make Scammony sad too?" He gazes mournfully at his tala. "I don' want Scammony t' be sad an' cryin'. Ev'rbody's all upsetted..."
Fern stops to scrub unhappily at an itch on his nose, and now Tala Lupin looks even readier to cry than before. Fern knows he shouldn't have asked, but he did want to know. He wishes that somebody would tell him what there is to be so sad about. Beryl's not dying, he's just sick! He's been sick before... so why is this time so different?
But Tala Lupin doesn't cry. He hugs Fern tight, and after a minute he starts to look kind of better. "No," he says then, and Fern's going to be confused, but then he remembers what he asked, and now he feels better too.
"No, Fern, Scammony's not sad or crying. He's sleeping now." Tala Lupin squishes Fern again. "He'll sleep a lot when he's born, did you know that?"
"No," Fern says. His mouth gapes open. Sleep a lot? Scammony must be a funny sort of cub to want to nap; Fern hates sleeping. But he likes Scammony too much to care if he likes naps or not, so he decides to not think about it anymore. Instead, he snuggles down next to Tala Lupin and watches his da sleeping. The tears on Fern's Da's face have dried all up, and Tala Lupin's breathing doesn't sound like crying anymore, and Scammony isn't scared, so Fern thinks he feels a lot and a lot better.
Because grownups aren't supposed to cry. Grownups know what to do, so they don't have to be scared. Tala Jade knows what to do, and so does Tané Spruce. Beryl will be okay...
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