Inexpressible

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"Fern!" Beryl's voice calls in through the doorway. "You wanna come ou'side? Amber an' me are gonna play in the yard!"

Fern shakes his head. He's holding Scammony again, and the two-day-old cub has fallen asleep. Fern doesn't want to wake him up, especially 'cause his Tala Lupin has fallen asleep too, and Fern's Da says that Tala Lupin needs to get as much sleeping as he can. Having a cub is hard work, Da says. Fern doesn't know about that, but he trusts his Da-besides, there was enough yelling on Tala Lupin's part when he was birthing Scammony that Fern can't help but feel sorry for him. He didn't know it hurt so much to have cubs! Tala Lupin wasn't even in the same room as Fern, and he sounded right up close. Fern's glad Beryl wasn't there-Beryl still wants to have some cubs of his own.

Also, when Tala Lupin sleeps, he doesn't have to think about Scammony's twin. Tala Lupin and Tané Hemlock called him Sage and had a special jar made for him that Tala Lupin called an urn, and then Tana Jessamine made a big bonfire in the back yard of his house and they burned Sage's little body on it while Tala Lupin said a poem that sounded like it had a tune but didn't. It was a hymn, he said, a chant to the Father of all Kindreds, to ask him to keep Sage safe until they could see him again.

After that, Tala Lupin went in his room and cried.

Tané Hemlock didn't cry, but he still looks tired and pale and sort of older. Both he and Tala Lupin cuddle Scammony a lot like that will make them closer to Sage, and it does make them happier, so Fern tries not to ask to hold his cub so much when they're holding him. Tala Lupin has to feed him too, with his milk like Da does for Fern's brothers; he calls it nursing. Fern thinks that's strange, and he really wants to know where the milk is made from, but Da did say not to ask about people's bodies, so-Fern sighs inaudibly-he doesn't ask.

Maybe it would be too weird to know about things inside Da and Tala Lupin, anyway.

Sage dying was sad, and his funeral was sad too, but mostly the last two days have been happy for Fern. Scammony is beautiful as Fern wished him to be, and he doesn't have a patch. At first Scammony's skin was red as red could be, but now it's white, like Tala Lupin's is, and his nose is small and snubby and wiggles like a rabbit's when he's asleep. His eyes are bright leafy green, but his yellow hair is darker than Tala's, like it was trying to be brown and missed, and his fingers are just as teeny and pink as pink jelly beans, only skinnier. On the first day, Tana Jessamine dressed him in a soft blue dress like a little sack, so his toes wouldn't get cold. Today, Tala Lupin dressed him in a green one with a white teddy bear sewed on the front of it.

Fern thinks that Scammony is cute in either one.

Scammony has a special nursery, just like Fern and Beryl and Amber have at their houses, but he doesn't sleep in it yet. It's full of toys that he'll play with later, when he can use his hands instead of just flopping them around, and clothing that Tana Lupin, Da, and Tana Jessamine made while Tala Lupin was still pregnant and waiting. For now, Scammony sleeps with his parents and nurses all around the clock. Fern's Da and Papa are going to stay here, with Fern, to help with the house until Tala Lupin can get back on his feet, and after that Fern guesses they'll just have to visit a lot.

Everyone's been to visit. The morning after the night when Scammony was born, Tané Spruce and Tala Jade came over with Ber and Amber, and then of course they're back again today. This afternoon, the Rantes all came over in one big bunch to congratulate and console, although they went home earlier. They are too many people to have a long visit in such a tired time Tana Birch said, and he and Vi's Grand-da Willow haven't gotten over the 'Fever too well either. Although Vi's grand-da has never come to visit on visiting days when Tana Birch and Tané Oak and all came, Fern could tell something was the matter with him when he saw him today. Nothing big-he just looked worn out, like something's nagging. Da says that the 'Fever weakened he and Tana Birch a little, so they catch little sicknesses a lot now, which most Kindred don't.

Fern is glad that Beryl's gotten over his sickness better than that. He's blind now and it's hard for him, but he's the same Beryl as he was before. Beryl's parents and Amber have seen to that.

At first, Beryl was scared all of the time. He couldn't see, and he didn't know how to do anything else. Nowadays, he does more with his nose and with his ears to know what people around him are doing or feeling, and he feels safer knowing all those things and being able to interact like everyone else does. Fern knows that he's still unhappy sometimes to not be able to see the beauty of the world, but then, he probably always will be. Losing something special, Fern knows, isn't a thing that you can forget so soon.

Somewhere far off in the house, one of Fern's brothers starts crying, and the other one joins in. Fern sighs. He does like helping out with Laurel and Linden, but they cry so much! Not like Scammony. They're six months old-that's half a year, surely they'll be able to stop crying soon? Da says that they cry because they can't talk to tell him if something hurts or scares them, or if they need milk or clean diapers, and if that's the reason, then as soon as they start to talk they'll stop crying, right? They can make noises in imitations of talking already, and they can say 'da'. Fern isn't sure that they know what it means, but they like to say it.

When they were born, they were kind of ugly. Their faces were red like tomatoes, and squinched up like they'd been eating sour lemons, and they smelled. Maybe that was only because Fern saw them earlier than he got to see Scammony, but he doesn't think so. They're cute now, so it doesn't matter. They both have round faces like Fern does, and carrot orange hair and bright blue eyes like Papa's. Actually most of them looks like Papa, except they have tiny little snubby noses like Da's, and when they're not crying they smile just like he does. Like Beryl and Amber, both of them look just alike.

Scammony's brother looked like him, too. Fern thinks that Scammony kind of misses him, but Fern being there seems to make it better, which makes Fern very proud. Fern likes to hang around while Tala Lupin is feeding or cleaning or holding Scammony so that he can be with him even if he can't hold onto him, and when Scammony gets bigger-big enough to toddle and talk and go out to play-then Fern can spend even more time with him, and teach him about the best games and snacks, how to not get hurt, what stuff not to do to Beryl so that Amber won't smack him... everything important that he needs to know.

Thinking about this, Fern feels very responsible.

Of course, all this won't be for a while yet. Scammony needs to drink milk and sleep until he gets strong enough to come out for playtime, and in the meantime, Fern will hold him and help him to learn baby things instead, like using his hands the right way. Papa says that Fern will probably need to help him learn to walk too, when it comes time for that, because he'll fall over a lot and might get hurt if someone doesn't keep their eye on him. He'll help Laurel and Linden too when their turn comes around, but that will probably be before Scammony's.

It will be lots of work. Keeping Scammony safe will be a big enough job, and Fern wants to be a good big brother too. But surely he'll be able to find a way, with Da, Papa, Tala Lupin, and Tané Hemlock helping out.

After all, Scammony is a good cub, right?

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