“Fuck!”
“What now?”
“Nothing, never mind.”
“Justin . . . give yourself a break,” Daphne said, sighing. “The diner is empty, I think the napkin holders can wait.”
“I know,” he said, trying to relax. “I’m just . . . frustrated.” That much was obvious. His anger had very little to do with his inability to load the napkin holders (although these pissy little setbacks were beginning to grow tiresome, too).
“You want some help?” Daphne offered, waiting for Justin to snap and unload the latest asshole thing Brian had done. He tossed the napkins aside and rubbed at his eyes, one shade shy of bloodshot.
“No, you’re right, they can wait.”
They sat in silence for a minute or two. Daphne nursed her cola, Justin wiped down the counter for the sixth or seventh time. “I think it’s clean now,” she said, breaking the silence.
“Why does he do this every fucking time?” Justin blurted loudly, prompting Debbie to poke her head out from the back room.
“Something the matter, Sunshine?” she said, looking around and relieved at finding the diner empty.
“Nothing, I’m sorry.” He looked at her sheepishly.
“Maybe you should call it an early one,” she said, eyeing him warily. “I can finish up here.”
He already had the apron over his head. “Thanks Deb, I owe you one.” Then he practically ran out the door. Daphne shrugged and went after him. Debbie just shook her head and wondered how many more lives she would have to see messed up by Brian Kinney.
In the car, Justin asked if Daphne would mind his coming over for a while. “Of course you can,” she said, having seen this coming. “But then you have to promise to tell me what’s wrong with you.”
“I don’t really want to talk about it, Daph,” Justin sighed. They both knew he would spill it when he was ready. The rest of the ride was spent in silence, and neither said a word until they were on her couch in front of the television.
“You want anything? I’m going to the kitchen . . .” Daphne got up. “We’ve got ice cream.”
Justin smiled wanly. “Cookie dough?”
Daphne grinned, “Is there any other way?” and vanished into the kitchen.
Justin groaned, dropped his head back onto the couch, and curled up. His thoughts were all over the place, but they always came back to the same thing. Every time he thought he was getting somewhere, Brian said or did something else to remind him how wrong he was.
“So?” Daphne said, returning with the carton and two spoons. “Are you going to tell me, or do I have to beat it out of you?”
Justin gave a little laugh, and yanked the ice cream away. “You’re more than welcome to try it, little girl.” She elbowed him in the ribs and he feigned injury. Settling down, they watched TV uninterestedly for a while, eating ice cream, until Justin finally spoke.
“I asked him why he was letting me stay with him again when he obviously would rather be free to do whoever – whatever – he wanted.”
Daphne rolled her eyes and laid her head on his shoulder. “You were asking for trouble.” Then, “What did he say?”
“He told me it was because my mother asked him to, and he was doing her a favor.” Daphne sat up, surprised.
“Why would she do that? She hates him!”
“I told him that was bullshit, I don’t know where he’d get something like that. Then he goes, ‘Well, why else would I do it, Justin? You’re right, I’d rather be free.’”
“I don’t know why you continue to put up with it,” Daphne said sadly.
“Neither do I. I left, and he didn’t stop me. I’m not going back this time, Daph. I’ll go stay at Debbie’s again.”
Daphne had heard that song before, but she kept it to herself. There was really nothing she could say or do to help him, except hug him and eat ice cream and agree to take him to Debbie’s later. She knew how special Justin was, and sometimes it seemed like Brian did too. Other times she wondered if he even had a soul. But, she understood Justin, too. You can’t help who you fall in love with, even if it could never turn out the way you want it.
Justin eyed the pictures of Michael and Brian on the bulletin board and wished he could share Brian’s heart the way Michael did. Michael was the only one he actually admitted to loving, even if it was platonic. He thought to himself that he’d trade in all the sex in the world for that kind of loyalty from Brian. It didn’t appear he would ever have both. Lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, he wondered where Brian would come up with such a ridiculous lie. He was the last person his mom would want to see her son living with . . . right? It didn’t make any sense. Of course, it didn’t make any sense for Brian to make that up, either. Maybe Jennifer just didn’t want to deal with him anymore. But then why Brian? Why not Deb? Why would Brian have agreed to it?
The phone woke him up on the third ring. He fumbled to get it, surprised that he’d been sleeping. “Hello,” he managed.
“I shouldn’t have said that to you.”
Brian.
“Why are you calling me here?” Justin said, trying to sound annoyed and doing a poor job of it.
“Just come over. I’ll be waiting.” He hung up the phone. Justin was telling himself that he wouldn’t go just as he realized he’d already gotten up to leave. He wondered if he’d ever be able to say no to Brian.
Putting on his bravest face, Justin entered the loft to find Brian sitting in the chair with a drink and a cigarette. “I’m surprised you’re alone,” he said, kicking off his shoes.
“He already left,” Brian said, not looking up.
Justin snorted derisively. “Why did you ask me here, Brian?”
He looked up, his face calculatedly blank. “Sit down. You want something?”
Justin sat on the couch. “No,” he said quietly, avoiding Brian’s gaze.
“Well,” he said, “I want another drink,” and he got up to fetch it. Justin shook his head, wondering for the thousandth time why he kept coming here. Not even love was worth the way he was feeling. Yes it is. You know it is.
Brian returned with a drink and a glass of water, which he handed to Justin as he sat next to him on the couch. “I shouldn’t have said that,” he started, as if that was all he could say by way of apology.
“Then, why did you? Is it true?”
“Yes.” Brian said, taking another drink. He hated the tension, and reminded himself this was exactly why he avoided relationships. Which this wasn’t. But it certainly resembled one . . .
Justin said nothing. Brian continued. “Why did you have to ask? You keep pushing me to make this more than it is, and I don’t like it. All I told you was the truth.”
He still said nothing, opting instead to take a sip of the water he didn’t ask for. Ice and lemon.
Brian shifted uncomfortably, then put his arm around Justin. He shifted briefly before giving in and leaning into him. “She wanted to help you. You were acting like a child and she couldn’t get close to you. She thought I could.”
“You didn’t have to do it, you know,” Justin said, very nearly pouting.
“You’re right,” Brian said, the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, “I didn’t.” Justin smiled at that, realizing it was the best that Brian could do. Brian put his drink down and wrapped the other arm around Justin.
“Just until you’re better . . .”
“Of course.”
When Brian returned from his shower, he smirked to find the boy already asleep on his bed. It was getting late, and it was a school night. Not that it mattered. He got in, making no particular effort to be quiet. Justin stirred. “Back already?” he asked sleepily.
“I was in there for half an hour, Sunshine,” Brian said in a mocking tone. “Go back to sleep.”
Justin grinned playfully. “I’m not tired.”
“Oh no? Could’ve fooled me.”
“I guess you’ve already had your fill for the night. How was the trick, anyway?” Justin said, looking away.
Brian put an arm over Justin, absentmindedly stroking a nipple, marveling at the kid’s uncanny ability to ask questions he didn’t want to know the answers to. “There was no trick. Are you sure you’re not tired?”
“Positive,” he said, beaming, and Brian was on him. He smelled like shampoo and Jim Beam. Justin allowed himself to get lost in his hungry kisses, that little voice inside him quieted with the reassurance that he was far more than just a fuck to Brian. Even if he couldn’t admit it.
Justin had fallen asleep, and Brian was listening to him breathe. He wondered how much longer the boy would have to stay here. Every night they spent together just made it worse. Brian Kinney doesn’t do love.
Making sure Justin was fast asleep, he rolled over and put his arm around him. Then he was sleeping too.
end