» Dress warmly and drink some whiskey before you    go outside.

» Better yet, stay inside and drink whiskey. You    probably don't have a job anyway.

» The unemployment office will hold your check until    it gets warmer.

» Pets shouldn't be allowed outside. Most dogs and    cats are not smart enough to wear warm clothes on    cold days. Keep them inside, feed them whiskey    and teach them to poop in a bucket.

» Keep an eye on the streets of your neighborhood.    Any elderly people wandering the streets should be    brought into your home; use force if necessary, it's    for their own good.

» Feed them whiskey and teach them to poop in a    bucket. Don't worry about Pete Sanchezz. He can    already poop in many buckets.

» Now some people in east keene do have jobs, and    these jobs force them to work outside. I am, of    course, talking about the pride of East Keene: the    hookers. They may look like they're handling the    weather just fine, but snowpants and a tube top will    not keep a fifty year old woman warm. Sure she's    got more whiskey than blood coursing through her    veins, but it's still not enough.

» We the people of East Keene have a moral    obligation to go out and hire hookers. If we do not    do this they will freeze their tits off and for all    intensive purposes their career will be over. A    hooker without tits is like the pope without a big    hat. We need our city's hookers. They are the    number one tourism draw, bringing an estimated    three hundred dollars of business to Beaver Street    Market every year. So go out, pick up a lady, treat    her nice for the night (don't mess up the face), and    send her off to the next house.
                                                            -Thank you.