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PRODUCT REVIEW

    So earlier today some of you may have seen a dashing Filipino newborn at your local Shoppers Drugstore. Yes that was I, in disguise, as I am a 'toddler' and tricked you with my age concealing rattle and soft shapeable forehead. While shopping I realized just how many expensive creams and smelly gels people pay money for. It makes this furious Filipino fart fat phantoms. There are earth friendly 'bimbocrats' out there, who wear mountain co-op backpacks made from burlap pelts stolen off the backs of Tibetan natives; and eat Power Bar energy bars, wrapped in a silver package, made from oil mined out of the Baltic sea, starving the humpback whales that drink that oil, who would rather pay an extra 6 bucks to buy a smelly cream that didn't employ Costa Rican workers that pollute occasionally. Using my Internet connection I searched under smelly creams and came up with a company that states:

"Our factory, outside of San Jose Costa Rica, is powered by solar energy powered factories in recycled plastics with
recycled paper labels."

A factory powered by factories in labeled plastic. Obviously this was written by a lying, English-second-language, random sentence generating machine for kids, with 'Green Peace friendly connotation' on REALMENTE ARRIBA ENCIMA ALLÍ DE AMIGO! They then go on to say:

"Conventional farmers use chemicals that kill beneficial organisms as well as pests, our organic plantations rely only on natural technology for controlling pests and fertilizing and therefore use no toxic chemicals."

I took the liberty to look up what exactly natural technology is, and discovered a sight for Natural Technology brand 'ROTA-LOO'. Solar powered composting toilets. These guys state:

"Solar power provides the energy for ROTA-LOO and can also be used for water pumping. "

This leads us to believe toilets need solar power to do MORE then water pumping. And through a combination of facts we see that smelly creams are harvested on plantations that use solar powered toilets to control pests and fertilize. That's disgusting.
 
 
 
 
 


 
 
 
 

I also noticed a hot new product some of you teenage girls may be rubbing into your skin as you read this. PURELL refreshing alcohol-based instant hand sanitizer. This is a snot like liquid that smells like nail polish remover and Deet. Upon applying a small dime sized amount to your palms, it quickly sinks in, much like the flesh-burrowing mole leach, leaving your hands smelling like nail polish remover, and Deet. This product apparently replaces the need to wash your hands. For instance - last night after having your arm up the horses ass looking for some civil war treasure,
and then washing your hands before eating your waffles, you could have applied a small dime sized amount of PURELL to your palms, saving you soap and water! This all sounds impossible, so I checked out some of the frequently asked questions to clear my conscience before I skip washing my hands after playing hot potatoe with a maxi pad or something…

Is Purell safe?
You must really wonder how safe something is when people frequently ask if it is.

 

 I've heard that using some germ-killing products may create "super germs"
This is not a question. It is also ridiculous. These are not pesticides for your farm you're buying. No, you're in a Shoppers Drugmart. You're also not allowed to park your tractor against the bike rack like that.

Can I buy stock in GOJO?
Apart from being an obviously non-frequently asked question, the funny part of this one was that the answer was: no.


 
At this part in my adventure, I realized babies aren't supposed to test all the smelly creams, or repetitively declare Ludicrous! Absurd! Ridiculous! And I jimmie jived out of that stupid place as fans were catching on to my disguise. Anyways, smelly creams are stupid. -RJ