Title: Hollow Man
Author/pseudonym: Tinnean
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Pairing: Miles Kavanagh/Peter Grodin
Rating: FRM
Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to Brad Wright and
Robert Cooper. And Sci-Fi.
Status: new/complete
Date:
Series/Sequel: This is the second in No One Loves
Kavanagh series.
Warnings: Very minor spoilers for Rising 2, The
Storm, The Eye, and Hot Zone, and major ones for The Siege Part 1.
Notes: This first appeared in My Mongoose's Many Chapters of the Sentinel 4. It was originally inspired by the 50 Words/50 Sentences challenge on 60second_fanfic. The title is taken from I Wanna Testify by the Parliaments: Once I was a hollow man, in which a lonely heart did dwell… Tony has assured me that in canon, Liz and Simon *aren't* married. However, in order for Kavanagh's hostility toward Liz to make sense, I've chosen this route for them. A big thank you to Gail, who does a fantastic beta no matter what the fandom.
Hollow Man
By Tinnean
We'd been in
Atlantis for some months now. We'd undergone one crisis after another – nearly
drowning as the city's shields began to fail while it was hundreds of feet under
water, the slow depletion of our sole Zed-PM, a hurricane whose arrival
coincided with an invasion by the Genii, who were an unfriendly race that wanted
access to all our C4 explosives, a nanovirus created by no one knew who to
destroy human beings...
And as if that
wasn't enough to contend with, there was also the reality of the Wraith, a
species that survived by sucking the life force from other species.
Although I'd
never seen what the Wraith could do I'd heard about it in lurid detail.
Desperate measures were called for. If my lover had been among the inhabitants
of Atlantis, I might have come up with something different, but he wasn't, and
so I'd seen no reason to do so.
Instead, I'd
devised the formula for an odorless, colorless, lethal gas. I offered the
formula to Dr. McKay.
"It can be
safely kept in a cylinder and worn around the neck." I pulled out the
pendant I wore to demonstrate. "It's really very comfortable."
He gave me a
tight grin. "You're a bundle of optimism, aren't you, Kavanagh?"
"What do I
have to be optimistic about? There are how many of them? There are only a couple
of hundred of us."
"You're
forgetting one thing we have that they don't. The most brilliant mind in two
galaxies."
"I
appreciate that, Dr. McKay, but I can't do it all."
"I was
referring to me, you twit!"
"Of
course." I felt color rise in my cheeks, and I cleared my throat. "I
don't ask that you like me, only that you at least consider producing more of
these and distributing them to the personnel. There will come a time… "
"No. We
aren't dead yet."
Did he think he
was John Carter of Mars? "Dr. McKay… "
"What part
of 'no' don't you understand?" he snapped.
I felt as if he'd
slapped me in the face. I'd thought he had some respect for my body of work, but
obviously I was in error. I turned and walked away.
~~~~
My coming to
Atlantis was a mistake.
I'd realized that
shortly after I'd walked through the wormhole and learned that in spite of the
fact that Elizabeth Weir was here, her husband, Simon Wallis – my lover –
was not.
I'd been so
sure…
So sure. What a
laugh that was.
I'd been sure
when I'd met him. I’d taken one look at him and fallen head over heels in love
with him.
I'd been sure
when I'd let him take me to bed, sure that this was the start of one of the
world's great love affairs. Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra…
Miles and Simon.
Damn him for
making me fall in love with him when he couldn't leave his wife.
We'd had three
wonderful days, but in the morning, he was gone, a scribbled note left behind.
//It
was fun, baby, but I have to go, duty calls.//
Duty. Was that
another word for wife?
Damn Elizabeth
Weir for holding on to him and not letting him go.
When I'd learned
she had been appointed civilian head of the expedition to this planet in the
Pegasus Galaxy, I'd leaped at the opportunity to go along, thinking that once
here, Simon would see the two of us side by side and realize what he had thrown
away when he'd left me behind in his suite in West Coast Suites, would realize
and would want me back.
Only he didn't
see. He wasn't here to see.
It had been for
nothing – all that I had done, all that I'd allowed to be done to me.
~~~~
I toyed with the
cylindrical pendant that I was never without now, even showering with it on. I
knew I'd never face the Wraith while on an off-world mission – the odds of me
being selected for that were none and none, and though I was resentful that my
colleagues wouldn't even give me the chance, I was also relieved – but hive
ships were converging on Atlantis. It was only a matter of time before this city
of the Ancients fell.
I blamed Weir, my
lover's wife, for that. She may have been able to get by on her looks and by
trading sexual favors for advancement, but we were all going to be so much
fodder for the Wraith due to her incompetence.
And for once I
was thankful Simon wasn't here. He, at least, would survive.
****
No one had made
much of an attempt to be friendly to me, and the few who tried… I had the
sinking sensation it was only because word had somehow gotten round of what I'd
had to do to be put on the roster for Atlantis. I shuddered at the memory of Dr.
Boek, the man who had fucked my mouth, my ass… I doubted that he had cared an
iota as to how miserable being the whore of
"I can be a
good friend," one of the scientists from the biology lab had said, his
voice heavy with innuendo, and he'd run a moist palm over my upper arm.
"I don't
need friends that badly." I'd stepped back, and his expression had
darkened, and he'd stalked away.
I had no problem
avoiding him, but I couldn't avoid the people with whom I had no choice but to
work, fools and incompetent hacks that they were. However, when my work was
done, I kept to myself, even though that meant going to the area that had been
designated the mess hall after everyone else had eaten.
Fortunately, the
Ancients had left behind something that was their own version of a microwave
that I could use to nuke my meals to a temperature suitable for ingestion.
"Hi."
I jumped. I’d
been so wrapped up in what I was reading that I hadn't even realized someone
else had entered the mess hall.
It was Peter
Grodin, who did whatever Weir wanted him to do – desalinized the sea water,
made sure everyone had living quarters, whatever – although mostly he dealt
with communications.
I'd noticed that
he was attractive – in a rather deer-in-the-headlights kind of way, but I'd
made no effort to get to know him or let him get to know me. I didn't need
anyone knowing me, least of all someone who was in *communications*. They
thought they were hotshots just because they knew which chevrons to push to open
a gate.
Occasionally I
would notice them watching me, but I kept a wide berth as I did with everyone
else and didn't give any of them the opportunity to start a conversation.
"Sorry. I
didn't mean to startle you." There was amusement in his voice, and I knew
he wasn't sorry at all. "Mind if I join you?"
I opened my mouth
to tell him that, yes, it happened that I did mind, very much, but he was
already pulling out the chair beside mine. I scowled at him. As easy on the eyes
as he was to look at, he was in Weir's pocket, and I needed to remember that and
be wary of him.
I turned my
attention back to my notebook.
"What are
you reading?" He hitched his chair closer to mine.
"Something I
translated earlier." I tried to ease away unobtrusively.
"From the
Ancient? Cool. What's it about?"
"How they
learned to stop worrying and love the Wraith."
"Huh? Oh,
like Dr. Strangelove! That's pretty funny."
It wasn't, but I
was startled that he recognized the reference. I myself was a walking warehouse
of movie trivia. While growing up, I had often sought solace at the local movie
house when the library closed, and once at university, I'd take an occasional
break from studying and watch whatever was being shown in the student lounge. It
wasn't until I was employed by the Stargate Project that I had enough money to
buy my favorite movies.
One of my biggest
regrets was my video library, which I'd had to leave behind.
Grodin was
watching me hopefully. I hunched a shoulder and turned back to my screen.
"Say,
Miles… "
"Dr.
Kavanagh."
"Excuse
me?"
"You may
call me Dr. Kavanagh."
"But your
name is Miles, isn't it?"
"Yes, but I
didn't invite you to use it." The last time anyone had called me by name,
it had been Simon. I didn't want anyone other than Simon using my first name. I
dismissed memories of Dr. Boek. What I had done with him had been under
coercion.
"Okay,"
Grodin agreed easily.
I gave him a
suspicious glance, but his expression was innocent, not that I really believed
it.
"I have an
extra dessert. Want it?"
I stared at him,
unnerved. No one on Atlantis ever joined me for meals, made comments on what I
was doing – unless it was that Weir witch denigrating my insight – or
offered to share dessert with me.
"It's some
kind of Athosian sweet roll." He smiled, a boyish curl of his lips, and
pushed the plate toward me. "You can have it if you like," he cajoled.
I licked my lips
and looked at it wistfully. It had icing drizzled over the glazed top, and I was
tempted. Dessert was usually gone by the time I came to the mess hall. It was
nice of Grodin to offer…
That shocked me
back to my senses. No one was nice to me, not without having an ulterior motive.
"No,
thanks." I powered down my notebook and closed the screen, and stood so
abruptly my chair tipped over and fell to the floor with a clatter that sounded
twice as loud in the empty room.
My face flaming,
I righted it, gathered up my plates, and took them to the kitchen. When I
turned, he was right there.
"You're not
leaving, are you?" Grodin sounded almost plaintive.
"Yes."
"So
soon?"
I scowled at him.
"I have work to do."
"Oh. Well,
okay."
I walked away,
telling myself I was pleased with his easy acceptance of my decree. "Have a
good evening," I called over my shoulder, determined to be polite.
"Dr.
Kavanagh!"
I came to a halt
and blew out a silent breath. "Yes, Grodin?"
"You forgot
your notebook."
I felt my face
turn red again. "Thank you." I went to take it from him, but he
wouldn't let it go. I gave a tug and frowned at him. "Do you mind?"
"And if I
do, Doc?" All signs of plaintiveness vanished, now he sounded cocksure.
"You're not
Bugs Bunny," I snapped, dismayed to find my thoughts drifting from cocksure
to cock to… "Don't call me 'Doc.'"
"Can I call
you Daffy instead?"
"Only if you
want to have your balls handed to you."
"That sounds
interesting." His voice lowered. "I think I'd like your hand on my
balls."
"What?"
I was sure I had heard him wrong. "What did you say?"
"Nothing,
Doc." He grinned at me. "Listen. Someone brought along a copy of 'Old
Yeller,' and they're showing it for movie night tomorrow."
"That's a
stupid Disney movie," I sneered, hoping Walt Disney would forgive me. I *loved*
'Old Yeller' and had downloaded my own copy to the harddrive of my notebook, but
I only watched it alone, because I inevitably wound up sobbing like a little
girl every time I watched it, even though I knew Travis Coates would get one of
Yeller's pups at the end.
"I guess
that means you won't come as my… guest?" He released my notebook, and I
clutched it to my chest almost as if for protection.
"No." I
turned and walked away.
I entered a
transporter that would take me closest to my quarters and turned to face the
front. Grodin was still standing there. The doors slid shut before I could
decipher the expression on his face.
****
That was the
start of it. Peter Grodin couldn't seem to take the hint that I had no desire to
be his friend or… anything else; he always came back. Even when I flat out
told him, "Go 'way, kid, you bother me," he just grinned.
"W.C.
Fields, right, Doc?"
"Grodin!"
He winked and
walked away, whistling, but the next time I turned around, there he was again.
In my quarters
– Flowers from the mainland would appear, and no matter how many times I
dropped them in the waste basket, new ones would be there the next time I
returned to my room.
In the mess hall
– "You never did try the dessert I brought you that night, so I brought
you another one."
This one was an
Athosian version of apple pie. I loved the apple-like fruit we'd discovered on
the mainland. It was slightly tart, and the way the Athosians made it, with some
sort of sweetener in the sauce it was baked in, had my mouth watering from just
the thought of it.
"If you
don't want it, I'll just have to toss it. I already had mine."
"Waste not,
want not." Primly, I took the plate from Grodin. It was very good, and he
watched in appreciation as I ran my tongue over the fork, then, once that was
clean, licked a finger and scooped up the remaining crumbs from the plate.
In my laboratory
– "You've been working late, Doc. I brought you a power bar."
I pushed the
wire-rimmed glasses I wore firmly to the bridge of my nose and peered at him.
"You obviously have me confused with Dr. McKay."
"Nah. I know
who McKay is. He doesn't do a thing for my libido."
"And I…
" I bit off what I'd been about to ask. The last thing I wanted to do was
come across as pathetically needy.
"What can I
tell you, Doc? You're hot." And his grin did things to my insides.
On movie nights
– "Hey, you like 'Dirty Harry' too? That's great!"
A lot of Marines
and scientists seemed to like 'Dirty Harry'. The room was packed, but it didn't
seem to bother Grodin. He hauled me to the last two seats, which were at the
back of the room, and pushed me down into one.
He sat next to
me, his arm warm against mine, and I stiffened and tried to shift away.
"Would you
mind sitting still?" The person on my other side glared at me.
"Sorry, Dr.
McKay," I muttered. "It was Peter's… "
Major Sheppard,
who was seated on McKay's left, glanced around him, his eyebrow arched, and I
swallowed my attempt to place the blame squarely where it belonged.
"Here, you
can hold the popcorn." Peter… Grodin put the bowl in my lap, and when
McKay helped himself to a handful, he protested, "That's ours!"
This time both
McKay and Sheppard raised their eyebrows, and I covered my face and sank low in
my seat.
Once the lights
went out, Grodin slipped an arm around my shoulders.
"Do you
mind?" I removed his hand.
"Sorry."
He dipped into the bowl to take some popcorn himself.
"*Shhh!*"
The movie was starting, and the Marines and scientists turned to glare at me.
They sounded like a tea kettle about to boil over.
Mortified, my
face on fire, I kept my eyes on the screen and determined to ignore the
tormenter who sat beside me.
At some point
during the film his arm returned around my shoulder, and his fingers drew random
patterns on my shirt sleeve, teasing the skin beneath it. And I was so involved
in watching the movie that I didn't even realize when that touch urged me to
lean closer to him until it was too late and I already had.
On other nights,
there would be a tap on the door to my quarters, and I would open it to find him
standing there in the hallway, smiling. "It's a gorgeous night. Let's go
for a walk."
Despite my better
judgment, I would go.
And some time during that walk, my hand would be enveloped in his.
****
I grew used to
Peter saving a dessert for me.
Charin found
something for me that would work as a vase, and I kept the flowers he brought to
my rooms until they wilted and had to be thrown out.
I anticipated
movie nights, when we'd sit together and he'd put his arm around me.
And most of all I
looked forward to our walks on the east pier.
We were in the
deserted mess hall, where it had all started, and he leaned back in his chair
and smiled at me.
"What are
you doing, Peter?"
"Isn't it
obvious? I'm wooing you."
For a second I
couldn't catch my breath. "You are? But… but why?"
"Because I
think you're eminently woo-able."
"I'm not,
you know."
"Who
says?"
"No one has
to say anything. It's easy to tell by the look in their eyes." Occasionally
I would notice a communications officer watching me, or a Marine, or a
scientist, and the look told me that if – *when* the Wraith came, they
wouldn't have a problem throwing me to them.
"They're
probably just jealous. If they'd taken the time to get to know you… " He
rose and pulled me up as well. "There's a full moon tonight, Doc. Let's get
rid of these dishes and go make a wish on it."
"You wish on
shooting stars or the first star you see. You don't wish on full moons, " I
teased, then bit my lip, wondering if he would take it wrong. I carried my
dishes to the kitchen and then followed him out to the transporter.
"Not on
Earth, you don't. But this is Atlantis. We can make our own traditions."
"That's
true." I was pleased he'd realized I was teasing. "What are you going
to wish for?"
He just smiled
and caught my hand, winding his fingers in mine, and swinging them gently.
"All right,
fine. Don't tell me if you're afraid it won't come true."
"Oh,
I think it will come true. You see… " We strolled out onto the
east pier. *Our* pier. "What I'll wish for… what I've been wishing
for since… " He glanced up at the moon, then leaned toward me and brushed
his lips against mine.
It had been a
long time since I had been kissed, almost two years. The warmth and pleasure
that suffused me took me by surprise.
"Peter,"
I breathed. "A kiss? You wished for a kiss?"
"Do you
mind? Does it bother you?" He searched my eyes. His uncertainty went
straight to my heart, which felt as if it was rolling over in my chest. I wanted
to cradle him in my arms.
"Peter."
I stroked his cheek.
He kissed me
again. This kiss was more carnal, hot and open-mouthed and passionate, and we
were both breathless by the time we had to break apart or pass out from lack of
oxygen.
"I want to
make love to you."
"I… I want
you too."
"I've been
waiting forever to hear that!" He stepped back and held out his hand.
"Come with me to my room?"
He waited
patiently while I made my decision, but it didn't take me any time at all. That
kiss alone had told me all I needed to know. I took his hand and let him lead me
back into the city and to his room.
He pressed his
palm to the plate outside the door, and it slid open. "Would you… er…
like a drink?"
"You're all
I'd like, Peter."
"Miles!"
His face flushed. "I want you so badly."
I tugged on the
tie that held my hair back. It tumbled around my face. I tossed the tie aside
and held out my arms. "Here I am."
"God, you're
gorgeous like that!" Peter reached out to run his fingers through my hair,
and he shuddered. "Your hair is gorgeous! It's like silk. Baby… "
"No. Please
don't call me that." I was going into this with my eyes open, but I didn't
want the specter of my first love hovering nearby.
He kissed my
forehead. "All right, Doc." He kissed my eyelids, my cheeks, my chin,
then said, "I want to undress you. Just stand here while I do that, all
right?"
I nodded, unable
to get a word past desert-dry lips, and Peter removed each piece of clothing as
if I were something precious that needed to be handled with a delicate touch.
His mouth traced each bit of skin that was revealed, followed his hands down my
body, worshipping each dip and swell.
"I like your
nipples," he whispered as he rubbed them beneath his thumbs, bringing them
to hardened peaks. "Their color, their shape, their texture… " He
leaned forward and took one between his lips, and I shivered and groaned.
"Ah. You like that."
"Peter…
" I'd never realized how good that could feel. Simon and I hadn't really
had much time, and Dr. Boek… I forced a grin in an effort to push Dr. Boek out
of my mind. "You're overdressed," I told my lover.
He raised his
head, and his expression was that of a little boy who'd found what he'd asked
Santa for under the tree. He stepped back, then quickly shed his clothes and
pulled me into a full body embrace – chest, groin, thighs, and our cocks
nudged each other, like bars of heated steel.
"Your body
is so hot." He ran his palms over my buttocks, urging me closer, if that
was possible, and he traced the crevice that separated them.
"Peter!"
The edges of his
teeth grazed over my throat. He bit down and chuckled through his grip as I
shivered, then let me go. "Lie down on the bed, Miles. I'll get the
supplies."
I lay on my back
and watched him as he found a tube of lubricant and a condom. He tore open the
packet and rolled it on, and my gaze drifted up to the ceiling. Peter was nice
to me, and I… I liked… him. But if I let him make love to me like this…
I rolled onto my
hands and knees.
"Oh, you
prefer to have sex that way?" There was disappointment in his voice.
"I wanted to see your face, but if you like this way better… "
Before I could
tell him that I'd changed my mind, that we could do it his way, his palms
stroked over the curve of my buttocks, and cool, slick gel eased the way for his
first finger, he found my prostate, and I forgot all about it.
****
"Would you
like something to nibble on, Miles?"
"No." I
ran my fingers through his hair. "But don't let me stop you if you want
anything."
"I think
I've snacked quite enough... on you."
I blushed. He had
left love bites all over my body.
"I'd better
go. It's getting late, and we both have work in the morning." The threat of
the Wraith was becoming more imminent with each passing day.
He smiled at me.
"In that case, let's shower… "
"Together?"
"Well, of
course!"
"If we
shower together, I'll never want to go, and we'll never get any sleep." I
petted the soft hair that formed an inverted triangle on his chest, going from
one side to the other and then down the center of his body to his groin.
"All right.
But in that case, I think I'll take my shower in the morning. I want to sleep
with the scent of our lovemaking on me."
"Peter! What
a thing to say."
"It bothers
you?"
"Not in the
least." I kissed him. "I like the idea very much."
"Good."
There was satisfaction in his voice. "Let's get dressed."
I kissed him
again, found my glasses and put them on, then rose and began searching the room
for my clothes.
"Have you
seen the tie for my hair?"
"No, I
haven't."
"Oh, well.
If you find it… "
"I'll make
sure you get it back."
"Thank you,
Peter."
He threaded his
fingers through my hair and tugged lightly. "Come on. I'll walk you back to
your rooms."
"You don't
have to do that."
"No. But I
want to."
My stomach did a
little flip at the thought of that gesture.
The corridors of
Atlantis were dim and empty at that hour, and we strolled through them, our
fingers entwined. All too soon we reached my rooms.
"I… I had
a wonderful time, Peter. Thank you."
"I had a
wonderful time too, Doc." He leaned into me, his body completely against
mine, and kissed me until I was breathless.
I fumbled behind
me and pressed my palm to the doorplate.
"The gene
therapy didn't work for you either?"
"Obviously."
It was a sore point with me that while the retrovirus had taken with Dr. McKay,
it hadn't with me, but I'd pretended to shrug it off.
"Don't let
it get to you." His smile was rueful. "It bothered me a lot until Dr.
Weir reminded me it hadn't worked for her either."
"You'd
better go now." The euphoria I'd been enjoying vanished at the mention of
that woman's name. "Goodnight, Peter."
He wasn't stupid.
He could tell from my tone of voice that something had bothered me. "What's
wrong, Doc? What did I say to upset you? Oh, god, it was bringing up the gene,
wasn't it? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. The last thing I want is to make you feel
inadequate."
"I don't
feel inadequate. I'm a brilliant scientist." And the fact that people in
this city didn't recognize it wasn't my problem.
"Now you
sound like McKay," he teased.
"I am not
McKay!"
"I know…
" He grinned, seeming to have missed the bite in my tone. "… and
it's a good thing. The man can be downright intimidating!"
"And I'm
not?"
"You're…
" He leaned forward and licked my lips. "… not."
I relaxed and
offered him a smile. "Will we do this again, Peter?"
"Absolutely!"
"Tomorrow?"
"Absolutely!"
He kissed me once more and started to step away. "Sleep well, Doc, and
dream of me."
Before he could
turn, I wrapped my hands in his shirt, dragged him back to me, and took his
mouth in a hungry kiss. "You, too," I murmured against his lips, then
let him go.
Peter looked a
little shell-shocked, and that made me feel good. Then he grinned and began to
walk away. Just before he turned a corner and disappeared from sight, he glanced
over his shoulder, saw me watching, and sent me a small salute.
Smiling to
myself, I closed the door behind me and leaned back against it, contemplating
what we had done this night. I grew hard again, just thinking of it.
In the morning, I
thought, I'd requisition a puddlejumper and fly to the mainland. Charin was the
best cook among the Athosians, and she liked me. She'd make a special breakfast
for me if I asked, and I'd serve my lover breakfast in bed.
****
I tossed my head
to get the hair out of my eyes. I hadn't bothered tying it back.
The covered tray
I carried was something else I had created on my own and given to the Athosians
– it would keep its contents at the correct temperature, either hot or cold
– and it contained the Athosian equivalent of bacon and eggs and pancakes, as
well as a small crock filled with a creamy yellow butter, a small pitcher of
syrup, and two brimming mugs of the thick, hot, fragrant beverage that got them
going in the morning.
The combined
odors made my stomach rumble in eager anticipation.
I increased my
pace and turned the corner to the corridor where Peter's rooms were.
A number of men
wearing shirts of blue or brown stood in a knot just outside my lover's door,
and Peter stood in their midst.
"You
dog!" one crowed, giving Peter's arm a playful punch. My steps faltered.
"I didn't
think you could do it!" Another smirked, and Peter scowled at him.
"This was a
great idea," a third cackled, "though it really took you long enough!
What a kick in the ass to Kavanagh!"
I came to an
abrupt halt.
"This is so
choice! Did he really think you'd fallen in love with him? Come on, tell
us!"
"Yeah, talk,
my man! What was it like, fucking the tightest tight-ass in Atlantis?"
The tray fell
from suddenly numb fingers. It hit the floor with a crash, and they whirled to
see what had caused the noise.
"Oh, fuck!
Doc…!" My lover's… Grodin's face was pale, as pale as I imagined mine
must be.
"It… it
was a joke?"
Some of the men
had the grace to look away, uncomfortable, while others just sneered. "A
pretty damn good one. Admit it, Kavanagh. If anyone had it coming, it was
you."
I waited for
Grodin to defend me, to deny it, to tell me that while they were joking, he
hadn't been. His eyes skittered off mine.
"I
see." I felt like a fool, standing there with my hair in my face and
hanging down around my shoulders. I turned on my heel and walked away.
"*Miles*!"
"Let him go,
Peter. You did what you said you would do."
"Fuck you,
Miller!"
I heard his
footsteps coming after me, but I refused to break into a run. It was bad enough
I'd given them the satisfaction of seeing how devastated I was by the knowledge
of Peter's… of Grodin's betrayal.
"I didn't
mean to hurt you." His hand closed around my upper arm. "Please, Doc.
Let me explain."
"All right,
go ahead."
"You have to
understand, Doc. Yes, it was just a stupid joke, but… "
My heart cracked
as he admitted it, and my chest felt as hollow as it had when I'd first arrived
in this city. Word would go through Atlantis with the speed of light, and once
again people would be snickering behind my back, gloating about how I'd been
seduced and abandoned. It would be the same as when Simon had had to leave me
behind and rumors at university began to fly.
Only this time
there was no
"I made it
so easy for you, didn't I? You must have been laughing at how easy I was."
"Doc, *no*!
It wasn't… "
"Dr. Grodin,
from now on you will address me as 'Dr. Kavanagh.'"
"Let me
finish, goddammit! Are you going to let a stupid joke come between us?"
"There is no
'us', Dr. Grodin."
"Miles, you
can't mean it!"
"I do mean
it, Dr. Grodin. You and your friends had your laugh at my expense… "
"Miles, let
me… "
I continued as if
he hadn't interrupted. "… and as far as I'm concerned, that's more than
enough."
"But we have
something special!"
"We have
nothing." I glanced back at his friends, at the spilled breakfast.
"You can clean that up if you like. Just make sure the Athosians get their
tray back."
This time when I
walked off, he didn't come after me.
Well, what had I
expected?
****
I couldn't think my
door open, as could many of the others in this misbegotten city. The gene
therapy hadn't worked for me. Even Ancient technology wouldn't accept me.
I made sure the door
was locked behind me, then crossed to my bed… my lonely, empty bed, sank down
on it, and buried my head in my hands.
And I wept, something
I would never let anyone in Atlantis see me doing.
****
Surprisingly, no
one said anything about the debacle with Grodin. There were no sly gazes or smug
laughter.
Nevertheless,
when Dr. Grodin appeared in the mess hall, I would dispose of my plates, even if
I hadn't finished my meal, and walk out.
The flowers
continued to show up in my room, but I tossed them in the trash as soon as I saw
them.
I stopped going
to movie night and instead read the e-books I had downloaded to my notebook.
And knocks on my
door went unanswered, and there were no more walks on the east pier.
****
It wasn't a good
night.
"You were
almost human for a while, Kavanagh," Dr. McKay snarked at me. "What
bug crawled back up your ass and died?"
"I don't
know what you're talking about!" I snapped at him. He might have been a
genius, but I wasn't afraid of him.
Weir walked in
before personalities could be exchanged. "Rodney, I need to speak to
you." She frowned when she saw me.
"All right,
"*My*
mess!?" The experiment I had been working on had failed spectacularly, and
McKay had looked at me as if he hadn't expected anything better.
Weir stepped
close to him and whispered something in his ear. Color leached from his face.
"Not good!
Not good! This is so not good!"
I couldn't worry
about what she'd told him. Probably that she was late. "I'm telling you,
Dr. McKay, someone tampered with my results!"
"Of course.
These people have nothing better to do than to meddle with your work so you'll
look bad."
"There, you
see? You agree…" Oh. He didn't agree. He was just being his usual
resident genius, of-course-no-one-else-can-do-it-as-well-as-I-can self.
"You're an
ass, Kavanagh."
"Fine."
I threw down my notes. "Get someone else to work on it."
"Oh, I
intend to. And until you know the difference between H2O and H2SO4, consider
yourself barred from this lab."
I felt as if he
had slapped me.
"Rodney,
hold on a second. We need all the help we can get. Kavanagh is a… a good
scientist… "
"I don't
need you defending me, Dr. Weir," I snarled, feeling as if I'd been damned
with faint praise. "Or my work."
"We need the
*best*,
"I am the
best, Dr. McKay, or I never would have been allowed on this expedition... "
No matter how many times I had sucked Dr. Boek's cock. And what did he mean
about the Wraith being in range of the satellite? Once there, they would only be
a matter of hours away from Atlantis itself. My hand went to the capsule around
my throat.
"Rodney."
Weir had her hand on McKay's arm, her expression concerned. Was she trying to
calm him down before he stroked out because of me? She glanced at me. "Dr.
Kavanagh… "
Did they think I
didn't notice how they called each other by their first names, but they always
addressed me as 'Kavanagh'? Or maybe '*Dr.* Kavanagh', if I was lucky. Only Peter… I gasped at the pain
that clutched at my heart like a giant fist. I wouldn't think about Grodin.
I took the
headset from my ear and threw it onto my work station, powered down my notebook,
and left.
Word must have
gotten around that once again my work had proved to be not worth the gigabytes
needed to store it, because the few people I met on my way to the part of the
city where my quarters were gave me looks of varying degrees of pity or gloating
satisfaction. I could almost hear them whisper, "Well, *he* got what
he deserved."
By the time I
reached my rooms, my eyes were burning and my throat ached. I pressed my hand to
the plate that allowed me access to my rooms. My eyes went immediately to where
flowers had always been placed.
There were no
flowers there.
"Well,
good." My words sounded hollow, even to my own ears. "He's finally
gotten the idea that I'm not… not going to play the sap for him." I
removed my wire-rimmed glasses and pinched the bridge of my nose, then stripped
off my clothes. Even in my emotional distress – because Dr. McKay gave me no
credit at all, I assured myself – I placed them neatly in a basket that served
as a hamper. One of the Athosian women had woven it at my request.
I freed my hair
from the tie that restrained it – I'd had to find a new one – showered and
went to bed.
I spent the night
tossing and turning – only because I was trying to figure out who was meddling
with my work, who was corrupting the results to make it seem that I was a
useless, worthless addition to the Atlantis team.
****
For thirty-six
hours I stayed in my quarters.
My notebook was
in the lab. I couldn't do any work, couldn't read any of the scientific
literature or the novels that I'd downloaded into it, couldn't even watch 'Old
Yeller.'
I rearranged the
furniture, reorganized the clothing in the storage units that the Ancients had
built into the walls, and finally just lay on my bed, stared at the ceiling, and
counted the tiles.
Eventually my
boredom grew so great that I decided to defy McKay's orders. I went to the lab
to get my notebook. McKay wasn't there, nor was Zelenka, the Czech who was
McKay's fair-haired boy, although both would probably deny it. The few
scientists who were there scurried around like ants whose hill had been
disturbed.
I shrugged and
went to my work station, a little surprised to find my notebook was open. A 3-D
image of my screensaver, the Titanic striking an iceberg and going down, filled
the screen.
Hadn't I powered
it down? I'd been sure…
I
stroked the touchpad, and the last program that had been opened, the one with
the corrupted data, appeared on the screen. A small icon in the lower right
corner was flashing. I touched it with the cursor and heard the words, 'You've
got video mail!'
The
message was hours old. I opened it and was stunned when Peter Grodin's face
filled the screen.
"Hello,
Dr. Kavanagh." His lips tried to curve into a smile, but it was a dismal
failure.
"Fuck
you." I snarled at the screen and started to delete the message.
"Please…
Please don't delete this! Not yet. Not until I have a chance to … Oh, Doc, I'm
in deep shit."
"Yes,
well, you only have yourself to thank for that, Dr. Grodin."
But I waited to hear what he had to say.
"I'm
at the satellite, and the Wraith are going to be here in a couple of minutes.
McKay and Miller are in the puddlejumper. In order for us to… " He gave a
short laugh. "Long story, and I don't have much time. You can get McKay to
tell you if… if you're interested."
I
frowned at his image. Why wouldn't *he*
be able to tell me?
"Anyway,
there's no power to the docking station or the airlock, and I'm… well, I'm
kind of stuck here."
"Why
can't… " Of course, with the Wraith on the way, McKay and Miller wouldn't
be able to do anything. They wouldn't have time.
"I
just wanted to let you know… it wasn't a joke to me, Doc, not in the end, and
not for a long time before that. I… I really came to care for you. I still do.
I'm sorry I hurt you. When I realized how special you were… You didn't deserve
to be treated that way, and if… when… oh, hell. The next time I see you, I
promise I'll make it up to you. That is, if you'll let me? If you'll give me
another chance? Miles, I swear… " He stiffened and his gaze went to
something that was beyond the screen of his notebook, something I couldn't see.
When he looked back, his face was sheet-white, but he tried to smile again.
"I have to go, Doc. Company. Just please remember I… I... "
The
message ended.
****
I
ran to the control room.
"What
happened to Peter… to Dr. Grodin?"
"Peter
tried to stop the hive ships. He destroyed one, but the other two… The Wraith
destroyed the satellite."
I
stared at Weir, the roaring in my ears making her other words impossible to
understand.
"Dr.
Kavanagh. We're evacuating." Her nails sank into my arm, and she shook it,
and I flinched. "We need to evacuate now! Do you understand me? Get what
you need and report to your assigned station."
"My
assigned station?" I licked my lips, then gave a jerky nod,
turned on my heel, and headed for my quarters.
I touched the plate
outside my door.
Peter was dead.
Once the door slid
open, I went inside and packed.
~End~
