This is my story.

After trying to become pregnant for almost a year, in January 1999 I found out that at last I was. We were so happy, but a little scared too. I couldn't believe that finally our dreams were to come true. I went to my doctor, who then set me an appointment to see the midwife. All the usual tests were done and I kept all my appointments. It was thrilling for me to finally hear my baby's heartbeat. Everything progressed as it should, no sickness or anything. I was still working full time and I was getting more tired as I went along. In May I went for my first scan. Peter came too and when that little image came up on the screen we were so overcome. Finally for Peter he could see his baby.

Things continued to go really well, until one morning at work I started to get pains. I didn't know what it was, being a first pregnancy I had no idea how I was supossed to feel. The pains continued all day, but not alarming pains. Finally at 3.30pm I told my boss and went home. I decided that something was not right, so I called the hospital. They told me to come in to be checked out, so off I went. Not for one moment thinking that something was wrong. I called Peter's mom and she went to find Peter because he was out.They both came to the hospital to see me. I told them not to worry, everything would be alright. Once I got there I waited ages for a doctor to come and check me out. Sat in this room all alone, wondering and thinking.Finally someone came and examined me. There was no dialation so they put me in a bed to observe overnight. I asked them to inform my midwife, but they didn't. I kept saying constantly that I was by then in agony, and all I got was mild painkillers. That first night I remember they gave me some steroid injection, at the time I didn't know why. I never slept that night really, maybe an hour. That next day they monitered me, checking the baby etc. I was still in agony, but they didn't really seem to understand what I was saying. Mid morning the consultant came round on her checks. I couldn't believe her when she said "Oh it's just Braxton Hicks" keep he in another night. I will never forget those words! I struggled with the pain all day long. Still all they did was routine checks. Peter and his mom came to visit again. Peter stayed until late and then I told him to go, I would be ok.

At 1.30 am I got up to go to the loo, then got back in bed. A minute later I was back and this time I had a show. I went to tell the nurses and they ushered me into the examination room. I was really terrified by then. I certainly knew now that things were going wrong. I waited in this room while the doctor came to check me out. The midwife went to call Peter to come to the hospital immediately. The doctor finally came and started to examine me and my waters exploded all over. Off he rushed and got another doctor, who said that I was about to have my baby. Within a few minutes Peter arrived. We were left in this room together and I felt something. The next thing I knew I had 2 little feet in my hand. I yelled for Peter to get someone and the room was full in seconds. Our baby David was born at 2.30 am and he lived for 5 brief minutes. On the 9th June 1999. He was so tiny and beautiful. We stayed in the hospital with our Angel until the next afternoon, and then we went home with empty hearts. All I ever wanted had gone. His funeral was lovely and he is buried with 9 other babies, playing happily together in heaven.

All the doctors said was it was just one of those things. They all said it would be different the next time. Or Oh well you can try again. I got support only from Peter and my midwife. I felt so alone, but all I felt after a while was try again soon, it'll be different next time.

Within 5 months I was pregnant again. I was so unhappy then, but all the time all I wanted to be was pregnant. I was terrified what was going to happen.I didn't tell Peter because I was scared that he would be mad. When he found out it was a shock for him, but he was happy about it in a frightened sort of way.

This pregnancy was different from the last, only in the fact that I got a lot of heartburn and indigestion, everything else was the same. My midwife took extra care and referred me to a consultant straight away. Everything was fine. I went for my first sacn at 13 weeks and found out I was having twins. I was so shocked and couldn't really believe it for a while. Peter was stunned.Everything carried on well and we finally saw our twins again at 20 weeks, kicking and rolling around like mad. I was starting to feel more comfortable by 24 weeks, because I'd lost David at just over 23 weeks.

I had a different job by now and although not as demanding it was still very tiring. I went to work that morning with no worries. Mid morning I started to get a niggle here and there, but not painful at all. I just moaned and groaned a bit, thinking it was growing pains. I went home at 2pm and I had a show. I knew straight away what was happening this time, so I went straight to the hospital. I got there and doctors appeared from all angles. They knew my history and set to work straight away. I had the steroid injection after the doctors had checked me out. I wasn't dialated at all then. My contractions kicked in shortly after and when the doctor came back she checked me again and I was 2cms in a space of an hour.All ahnds on deck then and we were rushed to the delivery suite. They came to ask what I wanted to do if they had to deliver and I didn't have a clue. My consultant then arrived and started me on a drug to try to stop the labour. That was at 7pm. It worked and then my midwife came on duty to take care of me. By 10pm my contractions were back again and thet gradually built up until at 11pm my midwife fetched the doctor again. He examined me and found that I was complete and about to have my babies. I must say that this time I never felt the pain anywhere near like it was with David. Doctors everywhere, my midwife prepped me for a caesarian. By 11.30 I wanted to push so bad, but I found the strength to hold on while they gave me a spinal. Peter wasn't there then, they called him to come in and by the time he got there I was being operated on and he didn't want to see.

John was born at 00.09 hours and Stephen at 00.10 hours on the 11th May 2000. They were taken straight to special care and I saw them a few hours later before they were taken to another hospital at Manchester, which has better facilities. I was out of bed by 9am the same day as they were born, trotting up and down. We were then taken to Manchester after our babies.

When we got there John was struggling already. We sat with them and touched them and talked to them. John continued to struggle and I found the best thing was to let him go to be with David. It was so hard to hold him in my arms and say goodbye as he died. We tried to be strong for Stephen, but a few hours later he began to get worse too. I decided to let him go to be with his brothers and let him go too. That is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Peter agreed with me to let them go, but now I know that the guilt is with him for agreeing with me.

They are now buried together in the same casket, to be together forever. John lived for 22 short hours and Stephen for 27 short hours. Again we are left with empty hearts and empty arms. Written 11th November 2000.

After losing David I found it very hard to cope. All the constant feelings of being a failure, the pain of not having him in my arms. I tried to carry on the best I could, put on a brave face for the outside world, but deep down inside I was so hurt and angry at what had happened. I was put on meds for a while for my depression, but didn't stay on them long. All I wanted was to be pregnant again.

After losing John and Stephen I completely withdrew into myself. I had 12 weeks off work and then went back. That is when it really hit me the hardest. I still had all the feelings of guilt and anger and they seemed to escalate. I ended up on meds again, but this time for about 6 months. I just had no way of coping without them for this time, but finally I managed to come off them again. Everyone seemed to think that I was coping well with what had happened, but that was far from true. All I wanted was to be with my babies and for a lot of the time the feelings are still the same. I sometimes feel that I am constantly chasing my own tail round and round. Some days seem so dark. The pain never goes away for a moment.

I have a lot of wonderful people that I can thank for helping me through these bad times, and most of them are coping with losses themselves.

Pearl who lives close to me lost her little boy and she has been so supportive, don't know what I would do without her.

Phil who has been a good friend for a lot of years has always been there for me to talk to.

Misty, Enni, Dan, Jaynee and many more who have helped me through online clubs and groups. In my darkest hours they were there for me when I needed them the most.

For everyone who has helped me I want to give you all a huge thankyou from the bottom of my heart.

A special thankyou goes to Alison my midwife and especailly Dorothy my councillor, who has helped me to where I am today and continues to help me.

Updated 2nd September 2001