A New Kind of Normal by Mercy

Hi Mom, it has now been over six months since you left us for your home in heaven. I expected that with everyday that passed since your leaving, I would be adjusting better and miss you a little less. However, quite the opposite is true. With every passing day, I miss you more. I ache to hear your voice, or feel your touch, or see your beautiful self sitting on the couch drawing faces or watching TV. But no matter how much I miss you, reality has not changed, and we must now face a new kind of normal.

What is this new kind of normal? I can’t describe it in just one word, or one sentence… It is getting used to coming to your house and instead of giving you a hello kiss, blowing a kiss at your picture and smiling at your sweet face. It is getting used to coming to your house and not smelling the perfume of your freshly showered body, but instead smelling the flowers which now sit at the desk you used to occupy. It’s getting to lunch time and not getting a call from you to remind me to come eat whatever delicious food you had cooked that day, but instead remembering to go give lunch to Papi. It is sitting at the table to eat with Papi, without more than five words being uttered during the entire lunch, instead of sitting to eat with you and talking to you about the next birthday, holiday, or what terrible things were reported in the news that day. It is trying to figure out at the last minute, who is coming to Sunday lunch, what should we cook or order for Sunday lunch, instead of having you coordinate what was seemingly an easy task, until you are not there. It is having Sunday lunch, without you and Papi in your usual places, it’s Sunday lunch and the house is still full of love and noise and happiness, but it is not complete, because you are missing. It is going upstairs to your bedroom or closet and seeing all your things and expecting you to come out and greet me, when the silence in your room becomes defeaning.

This new kind of normal life is still good, it is still a blessing, it is still full of many of the things that you taught us and left us as gifts, prayer, faith, love, patience, laughter, respect, kindness, happiness….. but this new kind of normal, is missing the glue that held it all together. It’s like using scotch tape when what you need is rubber cement. Here is the new kind of normal which I wished I could have shown you…. I wish I would have brought you flowers weekly while you were alive, instead of taking weekly flowers to your grave. I wish I would have cooked you lunch, instead of having you cook me lunch all the time. I wish I would have come and spent mornings working in your house being with you, instead of spending endless hours on my computer and sometimes not having the time to come see you.

I wish I would have come to pray with you more often, instead of praying constantly for your recovery after you got sick.