Felicia:
I hadn’t heard from Nick since the day at the beach, which was a week ago. I called him, but he never answered the phone. I called AJ and Dani and they said they couldn’t get a hold of him either. Brian, his best friend, couldn’t talk to him, because Nick wouldn’t let him.
This whole Becca thing was totally making him depressed. He wouldn’t talk to anyone, and I’m afraid that he blames me for the breakup. If I hadn’t opened my mouth and told him she was the on e that I found Bret sleeping with, it would be ok. No one would be hurt, except just me. Which is ok, I know how to deal with all that pain, but Nick doesn’t, and shouldn’t have to.
I cried for about 3 days straight, I missed classes and missed a day of work. But I’m making it up. Steph is worried about me, and called almost every hour to see if I’m ok. We had a long talk that day she came over and she thought it was good that I told someone else what happened in my life. But I feel that I shouldn’t have, because it’s too depressing and I don’t think Nick can handle all that at one time.
I walked over to my radio and turned it on. I pushed play on the CD player and the sounds of Lifehouse rang through the speakers to my ears. I turned it up and put it on number 7. The song was called ‘Simon’ and it almost described everything I was feeling, just about anyway. I opened the sliding glass door and walked out to the small porch and sat down on the chair near the door, and listened to the song, while tears slowing fell from my eyes.
‘Catch your breath, hit the wall
Scream out loud, as you start to crawl
Back in your cage, the only place
Where they will leave you alone
‘Cause the weak will see the weaker
Until they’ve broken them
Could you get it back again
Would it be the same fulfillment
To their lack of strength
At your expense left you with
No defense, they tore it down
And I have felt the same as you
I’ve felt the same as you
I’ve felt the same...
Locked inside the only place
Where you feel sheltered
Where you feel safe
You lost yourself in your search
To find something else to hide behind
The fearful always preyed
Upon your confidence
Did they see the consequences
When they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms
Made of different ones
Breaking them ‘til they’ve
Become just another crown
Refuse to feel anything at all
Refuse to slip, refuse to fall
Can’t be weak, can’t stand still
You watch your back, ‘cause no one will
You don’t know why they had to go this far
Traded your worth for these scars
For your only company
Don’t believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true
You’re alright, you’re alright, you’re alright’
The song ended, but the tears didn’t. I couldn’t believe that I had cried as much as I have, because I never cry. I thought something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I stop? Why did it matter what Nick felt? Or thought?
I jumped when I heard someone call my name. I looked up and saw Nick standing outside in the rain. I had to look twice to make sure it was him, and it was.
"Nick?" I asked, walking up to the screen.
"Felicia, can I talk to you?"
"Yeah, sure. I’ll go let you in." I ran inside and to the front door, unlocking it and opening it. Nick was waiting on the other side.
"Come in." I said, and he did as I said and walked inside. He took his shoes off, so that he wouldn’t get the floor all wet. We went into the kitchen and he sat in one of the wooden chairs of my dining room table. I sat in the one next to him.
"You look like shit." He said bluntly.
"Thanks, so do you. Why were you in the rain for?"
"It helps me think. I was walking around your complex for 30 minutes when I finally decided to come see you."
"You’ve got to be freezing. Here, I’ll go get you some dry, warm clothes." I got up and went to my room. I got him some old sweat pants and an old wife beater that once belonged to Bret. I went back to the kitchen and handed him the clothes
"There’s a bathroom down the hall on the right. You can go change in there."
He nodded, got up, and walked to the bathroom. 5 minutes later he came back, changed, and with the wet clothes in his hands. I tool them and threw them in the drier. We sat back down where we were before.
"What did you want to talk about, Nick?" I finally asked.
"Everything. How long did you know Becca was cheating with your boyfriend?"
"I found them about almost 5 months ago. I didn’t know who she was, all I knew was that she lived next door to us, before I moved here."
"5 months? Holy shit, that was how long I was on tour. I guess she needed something I couldn’t give her." He put his head in his hands.
"Nick, it’s not your fault that she did that to you."
"No, if I had called more, been at home more, been a better boyfriend, she wouldn’t have done that." He mumbled through his hands.
"Look, it was her fault. That’s your job, and I know that you love it. She has to understand that you couldn’t be there all the time or couldn’t call her 24/7. She’s the one would couldn’t stay committed to you. I think she was just using you for your money."
"But I thought she was different. She cared so much in the beginning." He took his hands from his face, and a tear was falling from his eye.
"She was getting on your good side, and fooled you into thinking she cared. I know this hurts, Nick, but the truth hurts. But I don’t want you to be hurt."
"Why do you care so much about how I feel? I barely know you and you barely know me."
"Because you seem like a good friend to have. Plus I owe it to you, since you and AJ worked so hard to get me to laugh that one night." I laughed a little, trying to lighten the situation. He smiled a little that was progress.
"I guess. But you’ve told me so much, and I’m a stranger, almost anyway."
"I guess I could just open up to you. I mean, your girlfriend cheated on you with my boyfriend. That’s just weird."
"Yeah, a little."
"So, how did you know where I lived?"
"I called Steph and she told me."
"Oh, cool."
I got up and stretched and I heard Nick’s stomach growl.
"Hungry?"
"Um, yeah. A little, I haven’t eaten much since the whole thing."
"Ok, I’ll make you something. Soup, sandwich, pasta, eggs, what?"
"You know, soup sounds really good right now."
"Ok, soup it is." I walked to the cabinet the soup was in, and opened a can of chicken noodle and put it into a pan.
About 15 minutes later it finished. I got two bowls out and poured him some and myself some. I handed him a bowl and a can of coke. He sat down at the table and I sat next to hi. We ate our soup in silence.
"This is really good." Nick finally spoke.
"Yeah, I guess. It’s just Campbell's."
"Campbell's is the best. Plus it’s been a long time since I last had soup. I’ve been living on fast food and junk food for the past 6 months."
"Damn, all that bad food. I hope you don’t have a heart attack anytime soon."
"Gee, thanks."
"Aw, I was only teasing."
"I know, so was I. But I do need to eat more healthier."
"Yeah, I guess."
We finished our soup. I got up and put our bowls into the sink.
"What do you want to do now?"
"I guess see if anything good is on TV."
"Ok."
We went into the living room and sat on the couch. I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels, ‘til I saw something good. The movie ‘Gone is 60 seconds’ was on.
"Is this ok?" I asked.
"Yeah, it’s fine."
We watched it. I kept noticing that Nick was falling asleep. He looked exhausted, I guess from all that crying.
"Hey Nick, why don’t you lay down? You look exhausted." I got up so he’d have more room.
"No, it’s ok. I’m fine."
"I’m not going to believe that. You look exhausted. Lay down and take a nap. I don’t mind, really."
"Ok, find, since you insist." He laid down on his side, with his head on the arm of the couch.
I went into the hallway and opened the closet door, got a blanket and went back to the living room and Nick had fallen asleep. I put the blanket over him and I got a pillow and laid down on the floor. I watched the movie. I guess somewhere near the end of the movie, I fell asleep.
Nick:
About an hour and a half later I woke up. I sat up and looked around for Felicia. I saw her on the floor, sleeping. I put the blanket she gave me, on top of her and went to the kitchen. I saw that she had dishes that need to be done, so I decided to do them. She had a small CD player on the window sil of the kitchen window. It was on CD, so I pushed play. I recognized the music as Lifehouse and listened to them while I did the dished. I was almost down, when the song ‘Somewhere in between’ came on and the words jut seemed to fit. I repeated the song and listened closer.
‘I can’t be losing sleep over this
No I can’t
And I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours and
I’ll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
I cannot stand still
I can’t be this unstrudy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Because by tomorrow morning
I’ll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way it was
I wish that it was just that easy
I am waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I am some where in between
What is real and just a dream
Would you catch me if I fall
Out of what I fell in
Don’t be surprised if I collapse
Down at your feet again
I don’t want to run away from this
I know that I just don’t need this’
The song described what I was feeling inside. I couldn’t sit still, I was constantly thinking and it wouldn’t let me sleep. Felicia was right, I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept well all week, because my mind was spinning with a thousand thoughts.
Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t I fall for the wrong person? Why couldn’t I be a good boyfriend? What was I doing wrong? Those were questions I kept asking myself. I was obviously doing something wrong, but I couldn’t figure it out. Nothing ever seemed to go right in my relationships, no matter how hard I tried. And I don’t think I’ll have another relationship for a long time. It just hurts too much.
My thoughts were interrupted by the phone. I decided to answer it, so that it wouldn’t wake Felicia. I picked up the phone in the kitchen.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Hello? Nick, is that you?" I noticed that it was Brian. I hadn’t talked to him since the whole Becca thing, and he was my best friend, that last person to leave out.
"Yeah, it’s me."
"Why are you at Felicia’s?"
"Because I needed to talk to her."
"Oh." He fell silent.
"Look Brian, I know I’ve been avoiding everyone and pushing everyone away. And I know I shouldn’t do that, especially you, coz you’re my best friend. But right now, the only one who understands is Felicia."
"I know that, but can’t I at least try to help?"
"Yeah, I guess. Look, I’ll be over here for a while. You can come over and we can talk."
"Ok, where does she live?"
I gave him the address and said bye, then hung up. I sat at her dining room table, put my elbows on the table and put my head in my hands. I was falling apart and I didn’t like that. I hated crying and it’s been a while since I had cried. But another failed relationship just shows you I’m a failure and that hurts more than anything else. I just sat there for a while, thinking about everything. My thoughts were brought to an end when the doorbell rang. I got up and walked to the living room and saw the Felicia was still sleeping. I opened the door and saw Brian standing there.
"Hey." I opened the door more and let him in. We walked to the kitchen, so we wouldn’t wake Felicia.
"So, how are you doing?" Brian asked.
"Not that great, but I’m living. And Felicia is helping."
"That’s good. I’m glad she can help."
"I’m sorry that I haven’t talked to you about this whole thing. I know I should have, but I don’t know what to do. And at the moment, Felicia was the only one who understood what I was going through."
"Nick, it’s ok. You don’t always have to talk to me when you breakup with your girlfriend. Just don’t push me out of your life completely."
"I’m not and I won’t. It’s only been a week and actually this is the first time in a week that I’ve talked to anyone. After I talked to Felicia, I was going to go talk to you."
"It’s ok, Nick."
"I know, but I feel bad that I didn’t talk to you for a whole week."
"I know. So, did you know that Howie and Laura are back?"
"Nope, I didn’t. When did they get back?"
"Tuesday. Laura wanted to come early, because she missed everyone."
"That’s cool."
"Yeah. So, why is Felicia sleeping on the floor?"
"I guess because I was sleeping on her couch. She told me to lay down, so I did."
"Oh, at least she’s taking care of you."
"Yeah, she’s like my mother. Gave me soup, told me I need to eat healthier, made me take a nap." I laughed lightly.
"Man, she does sound like your mom."
"Hey, I don’t find that very nice. I was being a friend, and you talk behind my back. How nice is that?"
Felicia came walking in with her arms crossed.
"Hey, who told you, you could listen in on our conversation?" I asked.
"This is my house; I can listen any time I want. Plus you too talk to loud, and you woke me up."
"Aw, you poor thing." Brian teased.
"Shut up! And I’m not your mom, Nick. I was just being a friend."
"I know, and I appreciate it a lot, really I do. I was just teasing."
"I know, I was too. So, did you have a nice talk?"
"Yep, we did. And I feel a little better, just a little. Not totally."
"That’s good to hear."
We talked more, and Felicia ordered pizza. Brian called Amanda and told her to come over. She arrived just as the pizza did, and we ate and talked and watched some movies. Around 11:30pm we all went home. I went home, and tried to sleep. Wondering what would happen the next day....
