Written By: Wil Calhoun
Directed By: David Schwimmer
Transcribed By: Caio
[Scene: the park; Ross, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Ben (on a bike) are there]
Ben: I'm ready
Ross: You sure?
Ben: Uh-huh
Chandler: Okay, let me straighten out your helmet there.
Ben: Thanks daddy
Ross: No, no, one daddy two mommies. All right it's all yours.
Chandler: Okay. Okay. There you go, there you go.
(Ben rides the bike)
Everybody: Yeah
Phoebe: Ben's first big kid's bike. This is so exciting.
Monica: Oh, yeah, I remember mine. It was my sixth birthday. My dad took me to the park, and I got on it... and it bent.
Ross: Yeah
Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Well, we didn't have a lot of money, you know. But the girl across the street had the best bike. It was pink, and it had rainbow-colored tassels hanging off the handler grip, and, and, and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on. Ooh.
Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. My dad gave me his old one.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Did the girl ever let you ride it?
Phoebe: No, but she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front, so I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the back-yard.
Ross: That is so unfair.
Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too.
Opening
Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's apartment; Monica, Chandler and Joey are there]
Chandler: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors.
Chandler: I'm sorry who?
Monica: I'm gonna hang this basket on the door, and when the neighbors walk by, they can all take a piece.
Chandler: But we don't know the neighbors.
Joey: I do, there's let see: Guy with a mustache, Smokes-a-lot lady, some kids I've seen, and a red-headed guy who does not like to be called "Rusty".
Monica: You see, that's exactly why I'm making this candy. We can learn their names, and get to know our neighbors.
Chandler: Wouldn't it be easy if we just moved?
(Rachel enters)
Rachel: Good morning.
Chandler: Wow, somebody's in a good mood.
Rachel: Well, why shouldn't I be? I have great friends, I have a wonderful job...
Monica: Where you can make out with your assistant.
Rachel: Come on, it's not a big deal. We stayed up all night, coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem.
Monica: Oh yeah? What's the plan?
Rachel: We are not going to let it be problem.
Monica: Wow, it took you all night to come up with that plan?
Rachel: Oh, well. You know, we did other stuff too.
Joey and Chandler: Oh...
Monica: Did you two...?
Rachel: Oh Monica, come on. You know I don't sleep with guys on the first date.
Monica: Matt Wire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wyatt...
Rachel: Anymore!
[Scene Changes to Rachel's office: Rachel, Tag and a mailman are there]
Rachel: Hi, Tag, um... I have a conference call today, is that correct?
Tag: Yes, at 4:00.
Rachel: Okay, thank you. That'll be all
(the mail guy leaves)
Rachel: (to Tag) Wait, wait. Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us.
(They kiss)
Tag: I'm going to get back to my desk.
Rachel: Okay, you hardworker. I'll remember to put that in your evaluation.
Tag: My what?
Rachel: Well, you've been here for 2 months now... and your boss is required to hand in your performance evaluation. But you know, there's one thing that I have yet to evaluate.
(Rachel knocks everything off her desk and hops on it)
Tag: Are you serious?
Rachel: No, I've just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up?
Tag: Yeah.
[Scene changes to Monica, Chandler's apartment: the hallway. Monica and Chandler are arriving at their apartment]
Monica: The basket is totally empty. My god, the neighbors ate all the candy.
Chandler: Either that or (motions head to Joey's apartment)
Monica: Joey!
(they enter Joey's apartment: Joey and Phoebe are there)
Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy.
Joey: Well, that was the plan, but by the time I got to them, there were only a couple of pieces left.
Phoebe: Yeah, they've been coming by all day. They love them.
Monica: They love my candy. Oh, man (so happy) I gotta go make more.
Joey: Hey Mon, you might want to make more lasagna too, cause something might've happened to a huge chunk of it.
( Monica leaves while Ross is coming in)
Monica: Ross, the neighbors ate all my candy.
Ross: Mine stole my news paper. It's like a crime wave.
(Monica leaves)
Ross: Pheebs, you got a second?
Phoebe: Sure.
Ross: Yeah, ever since you told me that story about that bike, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a first bike, you know? So...
(he brings in a bike)
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh, my god, Ross.
Ross: You like it?
Phoebe: I love it! Oh, ooh. And I love you... Not that way... But the bike got you a lot closer.
(She hugs him)
Ross: Oh, well, take it downstairs. You know, give it a test drive.
Phoebe: Okay, oh my God. My first bike. Thank you for the best present I've ever gotten. (she starts to leave) Oh, and Chandler's about to cry.
Chandler: Am not.
[Scene Changes to Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's place; Really early in the morning]
(Some one knocks on the door and Chandler and Monica go see who it is.)
Monica: Who is that?
Chandler: Don't worry, I am brave. I am brave. I... I am brave.
(Monica is about to open the door)
Chandler: No, no, no, no. Can you tell me who is there please?
Some guy: My name is Gary. I live upstairs.
Monica: What?
(Monica opens the door)
Gary: Hi.
Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is?
Gary: It's candy time. My roommate says that they taste like little drops of Heaven.
Monica: Oh, please. (to Chandler) Did you hear that? Little drops of Heaven.
Chandler: Oh... 4 am.
Gary: So, can I get some candy?
Chandler: I am sorry. But some of us have to get up early and go to work. (to Monica) He does not know that I am not "some of us".
Monica: Oh listen, I'm sorry but I'll put some out first thing in the morning.
Gary: Okay, I'll swing by later. Do you live in this building?
Monica: Uh-huh.
Gary: Umm! Seems like I would've remembered you.
Chandler: Umm! Night Gare...
[Scene changes to probably the next day: Rachel's assistant; Rachel and Tag are there]
Rachel: So did you read your evaluation yet?
Tag: No, it was marked confidential. I just sent it down to Human Resources.
Rachel: Okay, please, you're kidding, right? I wrote that one as a joke for you.
Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
Rachel: I'm thinking no.
Tag: Well, what did you say?
Rachel: I said that I thought you were a good kisser... and uh, that I like your teeny-tiny tushy.
Tag: No, not my tushy.
Rachel: Oh, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative, I wrote: "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision". And under Problems With Performance, I wrote: "Dear God, I hope not." And then I drew a little smiley face and then a small... pornographic sketch.
[Scene: Central Perk; Joey, Monica, Chandler and Ross are there. Phoebe is outside]
Monica: Ross, that is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike. When I heard the story, I almost cried.
Joey: Almost cried huh? You hear that Chandler? Almost cried.
Chandler: Hey, you cry every time someone even talks about Titanic.
Joey: Those two had only each other.
Ross: Phoebe really likes that bike huh?
Monica: Oh yeah, I saw her walking it down the street, the other day. She had these flowers in the basket, it was so cute.
Joey: Yeah, I saw her this morning it by the park.
Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times?
(they leave to go outside with Phoebe)
Joey: Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: Oh, hi.
Chandler: So, you're enjoying the bike?
Phoebe: Oh, so much.
Ross: Pheebs, you do know how to ride a bike, don't you?
Phoebe: Of course.
Monica: Can we see you ride it?
( Phoebe rides it and falls down)
Phoebe: See?
[Scene changes to Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's apartment; Monica, Rachel, Chandler are sitting on the table, Joey on the couch, and Phoebe in her room]
Monica: You see? This is why I told you never to get involved with your assistant. There's no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to having affairs. You hear that chandler? No such thing.
Chandler: What happened? I'm just eating candy.
Rachel: Maybe it's not as bad as I think, you know. Maybe they don't take it the way I meant it.
Chandler: Absolutely, cause tushy can mean both ass and good worker.
Rachel: Oh, I just got to get that thing back.
Joey: Hey, Rach. That sketch you mentioned. Might it have looked a little like this? (shows his drawing).
Rachel: Oh my god. Joey.
Chandler: What is the matter with you?
Joey: I tell you. This little talent came in a lot handy before I could afford porn.
(some one knocks on the door and Monica answers it)
Neighbor: Hi, I'm sorry. I know it's after hours, but I really need candy.
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't help you. See? Rules are rules.
Neighbor: Please, I have people coming from out of town today. And I told them all about your candy.
Monica: Really? Out of towners, huh? What did you tell them?
Neighbor: I told them your candy was absolutely indescribable.
Monica: Some people have been saying it's, you know, little drops of Heaven, but whatever.
Neighbor: Please, can't you help me out?
Joey: Hey Chandler, do we know that lady? (they say it really low so they can't hear it)
Chandler: Maybe. Isn't she the one that lives below you and has Sex really loud?
Monica: All right, I'll do it for just this once, but you can't tell anyone.
Neighbor: Yes, yes, please, just give it to me.
Chandler and Joey: Yeah, that's her.
(the Neighbor leaves)
Monica: Unbelievable, I can't believe that sign didn't work..
Chandler: You know what would work? Stop making candy.
Monica: But they like it.
Chandler: You mean they like you?
Monica: Maybe
Chandler: Is that why you became a Chef, so people would like you?
Monica: Oh, you really wanna talk about getting people to like you, huh, funny man?
(Joey starts laughing)
[Scene changes to the park, Ross and Phoebe (on her new bike) are there]
Ross: Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you'll be fine, okay. Here we go. Ready... Set
Phoebe: Wait, this seat is just really uncomfortable. Maybe before we start, we should just get another one. Perhaps like an airplane seat. Or a bean bag chair.
Ross: Phoebe, you can't get out of this, okay? You have to learn how to ride a bike.
Phoebe: Why? Why do I have to learn?
Ross: In case of an emergency.
Phoebe: What kind of emergency.
Ross: What if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says "You ride this bike or I'll... I'll shoot you".
Phoebe: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract him then I would knock the gun out of his hands with a Chinese throwing star.
Ross: Okay, Phoebe. Just ... just get... get on the bike and hey, I'll hold you up and push you, okay?
Phoebe: You won't let go?
Ross: No,
Phoebe: Swear?
Ross: I swear.
Phoebe: Okay
Ross: Come on
(she gets on the bike)
Ross: All right, here we go. All right?
Phoebe: All right
Ross: All right. Feel good?
Phoebe: Well.
Ross: Now try pedaling. That's it you're doing great.
Phoebe: Okay...
Ross: You're doing great. Yes, yes, yes. That's it, take control.
Phoebe: Wee.
(Ross lets go of the bike)
(Phoebe looks back and sees that he has let go)
Phoebe: Oh, oh. Oh, no. (falls off the bike). You swore.
Ross: I... I just thought you were doing so well.
Phoebe: I am shocked! Shocked!!!
(Ross sees that everyone on a bench is looking at him shocked)
Ross: It's a legitimate learning technique. (looks back and sees that more people are staring at him). Wow.
[Scene changes to Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's apartment; Monica is making candies, Phoebe is in her room]
(Ross comes in)
Ross: There's a... some people outside asking about candy?
Monica: Well, they're just gonna have to wait, aren't they? I've only got two hands.
Ross: You need some help?
Monica: No, you don't know the system. I don't need anyone messing with the system.
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding, you may not see a lot of me.
( Ross goes to Phoebe's room)
Phoebe: Oh, hello liar.
Ross: Look, I'm, I'm really sorry I let go of the bike.
Phoebe: I could've been killed, I hope you know.
Ross: I know, I know. But can we please try it again, huh?. I mean you were so close Phoebe.
Phoebe: Well, I would love to but... the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects.
Ross: Phoebe?
Phoebe: What?
(Ross now rings the bell that is not so cleverly hidden under some sheets)
Phoebe: What the hell?
Ross: All right, you know what? If you're not gonna learn how to ride this bike, then I'm sorry, I'm just gonna have to take it back.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Ross: Because... Because its'... it would be like you having this guitar and never playing it. Okay, this guitar wants to be played. And this bike wants to be ridden and, and if you don't ride it, you're , you're killing its spirit. The bike is dying.
Phoebe: All right. If you care enough to make that load of crap, okay.
Ross: Great. You're making the bike very happy.
Phoebe: Okay, Ross.
(Ross leaves the room)
Phoebe: (whispering to the bike) Please don't die.
[Scene changes to Rachel's office; Rachel and Tag are there]
Rachel: I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but we're gonna have to get into Mr. Zelner's office. Now, he doesn't get in until 10:00 am. So, he's no problem. But his assistant, Betty; she comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk.
Tag: That's kind of sad.
Rachel: Yeah, well, Betty is kind of sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. Now, while I distract her, you go in the office.
Tag: Got it.
Rachel: Let's roll.
(Mr. Zelner comes in the office)
Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you got a minute?
Rachel: Yeah, sure, Mr. Zelner, for you anything... a minute. Okay, great. (to Tag) Abort the plan... Abort the plan.
Mr. Zelner: Actually, I'd like to speak with both of you.
Tag: Okay.
Rachel: Okay. Can we get you anything, Mr. Zelner, maybe some chocolates?
Mr. Zelner: No, thanks. (takes the chocolates) I'll give this to Betty. So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full name: Tag "sweet cheeks" Jones. Something going on with you two.
Rachel: Oh, can you imagine if there was. I mean, what would happen, exactly?
Mr. Zelner: Well, I'd be forced to file a report. I'd have to consult the legal department and your future in the company would be in jeopardy.
Rachel: Well...
Tag: Uh... Mr. Zelner? I'm the one who filled in that evaluation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it would be funny.
Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a "cute tushy"?
Tag: Yes. I have a weird sense of humor and I'm kind of strangely proud of my butt.
Mr. Zelner: It's kind of a risky joke, Tag. And what is this drawing, I couldn't understand figure out what this is.
Rachel: You're looking at it upside down. You know what? Doesn't matter. (Takes the evaluation from Mr. Zelner's hand and balls it up).
Mr. Zelner: Hey, it's not like I don't have a sense of humor, huh? You know, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there's a time and a place, huh? Unless you had a limerick right now. No? Okay, well, you've got my fax number.
(Mr. Zelner leaves)
Rachel: I can't believe you did that. That was really sweet.
Tag: Ah, don't worry about it.
Rachel: No, you could've lost your job.
Tag: Are you kidding me? With a cute butt like this, I'd find work.
Rachel: Thank you, you're great. (they kiss).
Tag: You know what? I feel great. In fact... (throws everything off the desk and hops on it). What?
Rachel: I... just... it took me so long to get that desk organized.
(Tag bends over)
Rachel: There it is.
[Scene changes to Chandler and Monica's apartment hallway; A big crowd]
(Chandler is coming home)
Chandler: What is going on?
Bald neighbor: We're waiting for the candy. Bring out the candy.
Joey: Yeah, lady, give us candy.
Chandler: Joey!
Joey: What's up buddy?
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Getting candy.
Chandler: Get in here. (turns to Smokes-a-lot lady) And you cannot smoke in here. (takes the cigarette from her hand and smokes it) Merry Christmas.
(Monica shows up from inside)
Monica: Okay, guys, the candy is coming. I just need 15 minutes for the chocolate to cool. (everybody complaining)
Chandler: All right, everybody, just be quiet, quiet, be quiet! Pipe, pipe, pipe down. What is the matter with you people? This woman was trying to make a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you. And I'll bet that none of you can tell me her name. Am I right?
Bald Neighbor: Candy Lady?
Chandler: No not, "Candy Lady".
Joey: (knocking over the bald neighbor) If we know can we have candy?
Chandler: All right, you know what? Forget it. All of you forget it. You've ruined it. Go home, you've ruined it. You ruined it.
Joey: Go on, you guys ruined everything. You ruined it!
Monica: Thank you.
Chandler: You're welcome.
(They kiss)
Monica: Did you smoke?
Chandler: No, Smokes-a-lot lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Are you okay?
Monica: I'm fine now. But it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a threatening note under the door.
Joey: Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever.
Ending Credits
[Scene: The park; Ross and Phoebe on her bike]
Phoebe: I did it. I rode a bike. I never thought I would be able to do that. Thank you, Ross.
Ross: Oh, hey, don't thank me. Thank yourself. You're the one who faced your fears and ultimately overcame them.
Phoebe: Don't be so corny, Ross. It's not an after school special.
(She rides off and we now see she's using the little kids wheels).
The End
