The one With The Cheesecakes
Written By: Marta Kauffman and David Crane
Transcribed By: Chanandler
Bong
Guest starring: Hank Azaria as David
Waiter: Mailon Rivera
Wedding Guest #1: Lela Lee
Wedding Guest #2: Gina Belafonte
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Chandler is sitting at the table eating cheesecake by himself]
Chandler: (eating cheesecake) Mmoommmffmmm
(Rachel enters, returning from work)
Rachel: Hi
Chandler: (standing up) Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake.
Rachel: (putting down her purse) O, you know, I'm not that much of a sweet tooth aooawmmm (as Chandler puts cheesecake in her mouth) mmmwow my god, so creamy!
Chandler: Oh! (Sits down to keep eating)
Rachel: Oh my god that is the best cheesecake I've ever had! Where did you get this???
Chandler: (looking panicky) It was at the front door when I got home somebody sent it to us.
Rachel: (reading the address on the box) Chandler, this is not addressed to you, this is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs! (GASP) Thief!!!
Chandler: Well-I-I didn't read the box before I opened it, and you can't return a box after you've opened the box!
Rachel: Wha-why not?
Chandler: because its too delicious (puts another forkful in his mouth)
Rachel: Chandler you stole this cheesecake that is wrong!
Chandler: No, no, no its going to be okay, because Mrs. Bravermen is going to send away for a free one. And that way we all win. The only loser will be the big cheesecake conglomerate (reading the package, hesitantly) Mama's Little Bakery. I feel terrible; I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Rachel: W-I'm sorry, what?
Chandler: (makes a "you weren't even listening?" face)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk: Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting on the couch. Joey is at the small table to the right, and Phoebe is in a chair near her stage. Rachel isn't there]
Joey: Alright I should get going, big day at work. (Putting on his jacket) You know I'm in a coma? O, and today they do this test on me and it turns out I'm not brain dead (makes a "how-about-that" face).
Chandler: (laughing and talking at the same time) Soho. . .
Joey: (knows he's going to make a joke) Nah-at-ut. Mr. Smarty-pants, its just my character that's not brain dead. (Points to his head, showing his superior intellect)
Chandler: (sarcastically nodding) Ooh
Joey: (walking out) So, Pheebs were still on for tonight?
Phoebe: Absolutely
Joey: alright ill see you at eight
Phoebe: ok
(Everyone on the couch thinks something, they all make surprised faces)
Chandler: o, what's at eight?
Phoebe: o, I have dinner plans with Joey, we get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys
Ross: Wow, did not know that. (To Phoebe) May I say how lovely you look today?
Phoebe: Dually noted. (Gets up)
Ross: (turning to Monica) O, so, for tomorrow, do you want to rent a car and ride down together, or what?
Monica: (confused) What are you talking about?
Ross: cousin Frannie's wedding, its tomorrow night. (Takes a sip of his coffee)
Monica: (shocked) You were invited?!?
Ross: (realizing) No.
Monica: o my god I cant believe this! I mean I knew mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages of six to nine, Frannie and I were inseparable.
Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of nine, Frannie has made some new friends
Monica: (gives him a "o-that's-soo-funny" smile)
Ross: Well, -look it's probably just a mistake, lemmie call aunt Sheryl, ok? Maybe you were invited, and invitation just got lost in the mail
Monica: yea. You call her and tell her that-you know- when we were kids, her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times. k? And if I hadn't stopped her, there probably wouldn't even be a wedding to go to.
Ross: y'know she tried to undress me too! Huh
Chandler: (looking down at his magazine) I used to undress my cousin Glenn.
(Chandler is amused by what he just said, Ross I shocked and Monica is trying to hush him)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's: everyone except Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the center of the room playing monopoly]
Phoebe: (storming in) Joseph Francis Tribbiani!!! Are you home yet!!!
Rachel: well, I think he's still out, what's wrong?
Phoebe: Well, I'll tell you Rachel Karen Greene. I had plans with Joey tonight, and he left me this note(handing her the note).
Rachel: (reading the note)Dear Pheebs got a date talk to you later, big daddy. Huhhuh, bug daddy?
Phoebe: o, that's a nickname we were trying out
Ross: hey ya know what nickname never caught on? (speaking very proudly)The Rossatron.
(everyone makes disgusted faces)
Joey: (humming as he enters) hey
Phoebe: (suddenly stopping what she was doing) o, here's Joseph Francis!!!(she corners Joey up against the door)
Joey: he-wh-oo!!! What'r you middle namin me for, I left you a note!
Phoebe: so what, that doesn't give you the right to ditch me!
Joey: (walking into the room)you can cancel plans with friends if there's a possibility for sex.(not understanding why she's upset)
Ross: Phoebe, that is the rule
Phoebe: I don't accept this rule. When we make plans I expect you to show up. I cant just be away to kill time while you find someone better, y'know, boyfriends and girlfriends are gonna come and go, but this(makes a hand motion signaling him and her)is for life
Joey: (sorrowful)wow. I'm so sorry I had no idea it would bother you this much.
Phoebe: well, it does
Joey : k, can I make it up to ya? Huh? I'm sorry(hugs her)how bout uh, dinner tomorrow night, ill pay for myself.
Phoebe: (thinks for a sec, then smiles)ok you wore me down(hugs him)
(Joey goes over to the fridge)
Ross: Hey Joe, while your over there how bout another beer for The Rossatron!!!
Joey: (shocked) Rossa- is that back???
(Ross looks really hurt when he says this, and Chandler waves his arms and mouths "no" to Joey)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's: Chandler is again sitting by himself looking at another cheesecake]
Rachel: (entering) hey
Chandler: (exasperated)another cheesecake came. They delivered it to the wrong address again.
Rachel: so, just, bring it back downstairs, what's the problem?
Chandler: I can't seem to say goodbye
Rachel: are you serious? Chandler we had a whole cheesecake two days ago and you want more?
Chandler: well I had forgotten what It tasted like, ok?
Rachel: it was cheesecake, it was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham crackery crust, with a very(getting hungry for some cheesecake) rich, yet lite, cream cheese filling(pause as she stares at the cheesecake)wow my whole mouth just filled with saliva
Chandler: (makes a disgusted face at the cheesecake while closing the box) y'know what? Forget it, we are just hungry. We have not had lunch, so we are just light-headed. So, let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake
Rachel: yea, well drop it off downstairs so we aren't tempted
Chandler: (getting his jacket) good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?
Rachel: (putting on her jacket)Mama's little bakery, Chicago Illinois?
(they both leave to get lunch)
[Scene: Central Perk: Joey and Monica are on the couch]
Joey: (reading a newspaper)awww, Mel Tomet died
Monica: Joey, that paper is like a year old
Joey: awww does that mean the Sam Goody sale is over???
Ross: (coming in from outside) hey. I finally heard back from aunt Sheryl, and, apparently it wasn't a mistake. There's limited seating in the hall. . .
Monica : (upset) limited seating?!? (holds up her hand and puts her thumb and index finger close together to indicate her size) I am just one tiny person!!!!!
Ross: well, yea, but, she doesn't know that. I mean, the last she she saw you, yo-y-you would've turned one of those little wedding chairs into kiddling.
Monica: (disgustedly crossing her arms and legs) limited seating, oh, that is such a lame excuse. That's not the reason why she's not inviting me
Ross: well,whats the big deal, I-I was even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. A-and, y'know what? if it makes you feel any better Joan and I will just make an appearance, and then, and then well-well leave early as a sign of protest
Monica: (shocked)Joan???
Ross: yea, Joan Tedesky, my date. She's an assistant professor in the linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad-backed
Monica: wait a minute, you got "Ross Gellar and guest"?? I wasn't invited and you got "and guest"????
Joey: uh, scu-scuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross's behalf. I think the rule applies here. Y'know If he has a chance to get on broad-back. . .
Ross: not broad-back!!!
Monica: wait a minit-y'know, n-your bringing me
Ross: wh-I can't cancel on Joan
Monica :why not?!?
Ross: beca-did you not hear me? She's an assistant professor in the linguistics department. Ok? They'r wild! Why do you wanna come anyway?
Monica :because! She's my cousin. I mean, we grew up together, family, y'know that's, important to me(puts her fist to her chest and holds Ross's hand)
Ross: ok, alright. Ill take you. Ill go call Joan(gets up to call her)
Joey: aww, that's nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, the happiest day of her life
Monica: well see. . .(chuckles to herself)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel's apartment building's first floor(right outside Mrs. Bravermen's apartment):Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch]
Chandler: well, thank you for lunch
Rachel: well, wait a minute-I didn't pay, I thought you paid.
Chandler: so, apparently we just don't pay for food anymore
Rachel: hahah
(Chandler spots something and takes Rachel's hand)
Chandler: do you see what I see?
Rachel: (gasp)its still there
Chandler: Mrs. Bravermen must be out(they walk over to the package on the floor together in perfect step)
Rachel: She could be out of town, maybe she'll be gone for months
Chandler: by then the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don't want her coming home to bad cheesecake.
Rachel: No, that could kill her
Chandler: well we don't want that
Rachel: so were protecting her
Chandler: well then we should take it
Rachel: yea but we should move quick
Chandler: why?
Rachel: bc I think I just heard her moving around in there
Chandler: (standing, while Rach picks up the cheesecake, looking to see if anyone is watching)go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
[Scene: Central Perk: Monica and Phoebe are coming in and they both sit down]
Phoebe: (sees someone at the bar and gasps, whispering to Monica) o my god that's David
Monica: David who?
Phoebe: David, the scientist guy that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David!
(David finally hears his name and turns around)
David: o my god!!!
Phoebe: you say someone's name enough they turn around
(They both get up and stand in front of the couch)
David: Phoebe!
Phoebe: David.(he kisses her on the cheek)what-what are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be in Russia?
David: ye-I'm jus-I'm just in town for a conference. God, you look, phen-phenominal
Phoebe: well (giggles) yea. You look great too, did you get a haircut?
David: yea, well, I-I-I-I got like thirty of 'em.
Phoebe: yea
David: Um, I-I-I got a confession to make.
Phoebe: uh-huh
David: I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I-I-I didn't know whether I would call or not, an I-I was only in town for a few days an I-I didn't want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, I-I really wanted to see you, I didn't know if you wanted to see me
Phoebe: well, of course I would want to see you. I, I think about you all the time
David: really, cause, I think about you all the time, there's this statue in Minsk that reminds me of you soo much. I me-um its actually of Lenin, but from certain angels
Phoebe: yea
David: anyway, do you wanna have dinner, uh-uh tonight?
Phoebe: yes! Oh no!
David: w-uh what?
Phoebe: I cant. I can't believe I have plans. I cant. Can you do it tomorrow night though?
David: uh-no, I have to go, in a few hours. I have to be on the red eye (disappointed pause) well, listen, y'know next time you're in Minsk, uh. . . .
Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?(pulls her over to the side)what are you doing?
Phoebe: well, I have plans with Joey tonight
Monica: so? He'll understand.
Phoebe: no he won't, and that's not even the point. Monica, I gave a whole speech on how you do not cancel plans with friends. And now, you know, what-just because possibly the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night I should change my beliefs?!?(convincing herself) I should change my beliefs!!! No, no, no-if I don't have my principles then I don't have anything
Monica: god you are so strong
Phoebe: or! Or I should rush through dinner with Joey, and I could meet David at nine
Commercial
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's: Chandler and Rachel are standing at the counter eating the cheesecake]
Rachel: o my god that is soo good!
Chandler: I'm full, and yet I know, if I stop eating this, I regret it
(Joey walks in, they try to hide the cake but he still sees they are eating something)
Rachel: heey
Joey: hey what've you go there?
Rachel: (thinking) o it's . . .um . . tofu cake, do you want some
Joey: (walking away)ahhahhhh!(one of those screams, but it like, caught in his throat)
Chandler: (gives Rach a quick "good job" sign, then goes into Joey's room)what'r you doing tonight?
Joey: (puts his jacket on the floor and pulls down his pants while Chandler is in his room) uhhh. . .
Chandler: dude, dude( makes an up motion with his hands)
Joey: sorry, I got those plans with phoebe, why?
Chandler: o really?, uh, Monica said she had a date at nine
Joey: What?!? Tonight??
Chandler: 's what Monica said
Joey: after she gave me that big speech, she goes and makes plans with someone on the same night she has plans with me? I think she's trying to pull a fast one on big daddy!
(Chandler nods in agreement)
[Scene: Cousin Frannie's wedding reception: Ross and Monica are entering, trying to find their seats]
Ross: o here, I think this is us(walks over to check)yea.
Monica: limited seating my ass. Haha,(sitting) lets just see who made the cut (To the couple sitting to her left)hi.
Wedding Guest #1: hi
Monica I'm Monica Gellar. How do you know the bride and groom?
Wedding Guest #1: o, I used to work with Frannie.
Monica: used to work with her, used to. I'm her relative and I didn't get invited. A blood relative, blood
Ross: stop saying blood to strangers
Monica (to the couple on her right): so how do you know the happy couple?
Wedding Guest #2: we went to collage with both of them, and now we live next door
Monica (disappointed): ok, your fine
(Ross looks at both couples and shakes his head apologetically)
[Scene: a restaurant named iridium: phoebe and Joey are having their monthly dinner]
Waiter: hey
Phoebe: hey
Waiter: you guys ready?
Phoebe: yes, I will have the green salad, um, house dressing, and waters fine
Waiter: and for you sir.
Joey: (looking at his menu)yea, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talking?
Waiter: its um, its already been roasted
Joey: o, then no. maybe I should hear those specials again.
Phoebe: o Joey, we've heard the specials like three times ok!(taking his menu and handing it to the waiter) there's Prime rib, maje-maje, and a very special lobster ravioli.
Waiter: actually were out of the lobster ravioli
Joey: o, well, that changes everything!(takes back his menu) y'know what Pheebs?
(waiter walks away)
Phoebe: hmm
Joey: you were right before.
Phoebe: umhmm
Joey: Friends are soo important
Phoebe: yea,(checking her watch) I'm very wise, I know
Joey: uh, y'kn-yknow what I want?
Phoebe: what
Joey: Is have a long, long talk. Y'know get Joey out in the open road and really open him up.
(the waiter walks back the their table)
Waiter: any progress?
Joey: yes. (giving his menu to the waiter) I will have the lobster ravioli
Phoebe: god, Joey this is taking forever
Joey: what's the rush? What?
Phoebe: well, th- I just I have y'know I ha-I have an appointment. And it's very important
Joey: o well, uh, what s it?
Phoebe: well, (reluctantly) it's a date
Joey: a date? No, no you must be mistaken because I know you wouldn't schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend
Phoebe: c'mon Joey don't make me feel badly about this
Joey: no, I'm gonna. That's right yea. You made me feel really guilty about going out with that girl like-like-like I did something terrible to you. and now, Pheebs, you're doing the same thing
Phoebe: it's not the same thing, this is totally different. This is with david, remember david, the scientist guy? Well, he's very special to me
Joey: ok well, the girl I went out with the other night was special. Yea, and she was a scientist too
Phoebe: she was?
Joey: well, she graduated high school
Phoebe: ok, whatever, you know what? I don't have time to convince you because he's only here for four hours and I'm gonna go see him.(she get up and leaves)
Joey: FINE!
Phoebe: yea
Joey: FINE!
Phoebe: yea
(the waiter looks over at Joey)
Joey: what are you still doing here? I told ya, lobster ravioli!
[Scene: outside Central Perk: David is waiting for Phoebe] Phoebe: (running up to David)hey
David: hey. O, I was just about to leave I-I-I didn't think you were coming
Phoebe: o, I wouldnt've missed this! Hahuhuh
David: well, I'm very glad you are here(kisses her hand)
Phoebe: o, your such a gentlemen! (grabs his hand) c'mon! We're going to my place! (runs off with him)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's: Rachel is eating the cheesecake, but with out Chandler!]
Rachel: mmmm
Chandler: (entering) are you eating the cheesecake without me???
Rachel: (with a mouthful) mmmtmmm
Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now
Rachel: (makes a "that's so easy" face, but when she tries to whistle, bits of cheesecake come out instead of any sound)
Chandler: (throwing his hands up in the air in disgust) how could you eat the cheesecake without me?!?!?!
Rachel: oo, what'r you gonna doo? You gonna run and tell Monica? Ya gonna tell joey?? No, cause then you'll have to tell them what we did! We are dessert stealers, we are living outside of the law!!
Chandler: y'know I don't trust you with this cake anymore. (picking up the cheesecake) and I got it first. (in a funny Chandler voice) AND IM TAKING IT BACK!!!!!
(in unison, while Rach follows Chandler over to his apartment)
Rachel: no,nno, no, no, no you don't
Chandler: o yes, o yes, o yes(yea, that looks nasty, but he doesn't say it like that)
Rachel: you think I trust you with it??? No were gonna split it, you take half and I take half
Chandler: (put down the cake)well, that's not fair you already had some!
Rachel: o, well, then y'know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.
Chandler: what'll we use to split it?
Rachel: ok(turns around to grab what looks like a huge spatula) alright, (cutting it in half) pick a half
Chandler: (carefully examining the cheesecake)k, well, this side looks bigger. more crust on this side, y'know. Maybe if I measure it.
Rachel: O! for gods sake just pick a piece!
Chandler: alright I pick that one(points to a piece)
Rachel: hhalso the smaller piece! (puts chandlers piece on a plate) OK. There you go, enjoy your half my friend but that is it, no switching, no sharing, and don't come cryin to me, if you eat your piece to fast! (as she walks out the door she trips on, well nothing, and her half of the cheesecake falls to the floor)
Chandler: (walks out to see Rachel's piece on the floor, and makes one of the funniest Chandler noises I've ever heard, you have to watch the episode)
Rachel: alright, you have to give some of you piece
Chandler: o-hohoho no no, no switching, no sharing, don't come crying to me. Ha ha ha. I may just sit here and have my cake (scoops a piece up on his fork) ALL day, just sit here and eat my-
Rachel: (before he can finish, she just hits his plate and his piece falls to the floor as well)
(Chandler still has a piece on his fork and is trying to put it in his mouth before Rachel can get any)
[Scene: Cousin Frannie's Wedding Reception: Ross and Monica are sitting at their table alone, music is playing and some of the people are dancing(Ross and Monica's aunt Millie appears)]
Aunt Millie: Ross, sweetheart!
Ross: (not looking that excited) o hey aunt Millie.
Aunt Millie: isn't this a beautiful wedding?
Ross: (looking over at Monica for a second)yes, yes it is
Aunt Millie: (she seizes the opportunity, grabs Ross's face and give him a wet one on the lips, then walks away)
Ross: (rubbing his lips forcefully with a napkin) every time on the lips! Why? Why on the lips???
(Cousin Frannie enters, everyone applauds)
Monica: there's Frannie, (giggles) won' she be happy to see me? (starts to go to see Frannie)
Ross: wait a minute, now you be nice, I didn't bring you here so you could ambush her
Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom
Ross: that bitch
(they both go over to Frannie)
Frannie: Monica! What-
Monica -am I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me, howdoya like that?
Ross: (not sure what to do) Hi Frannie congratulations.
Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family and not me? Why wouldn't you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?!?
(The Groom joins Frannie)
Monica (surprised) Stuart!
Frannie: I believe you know my husband. . .
(awkward silence)
Ross: So it's really a question of who could you have possibly done.
(Both couples walk away from each other)
[Scene: outside Central Perk: Phoebe and David are kissing, there's a cab waiting for him]
David: I hate this but I-I-I have to go, I can't miss my flight.
Phoebe: Are you sure? I bet there's another flight to Minsk in like-
David: -July
Phoebe: ok
David: (says something to her in Russian, yea, I'm not even going to try)
Phoebe: That's really beautiful. What does it mean?
David: Please clean my beakers. I don't get out of the lab much.
Phoebe: I thought it-I-meant something else
David: Yea, I, well I, really, actually wanted to say that. But I figured I shouldn't because, y'know have to leave.
Phoebe: You're right. Don't say it.
David: I do, though
Phoebe: I do too.
(They kiss passionately)
David: Bye Phoebe. (He gets in the cab and leaves)
(Joey comes from around the corner)
Phoebe: Ok, now's not the time, ok?, Joey, alright you can yell at me tomorrow.
Joey: No, no, no Pheebs I'm not gonna yell at you. I just started thinking about you and David. And I remembered how bummed you were the first time he left, I just, aww Pheebs come'ere. (He takes her and holds her) Are you ok?
Phoebe: (Really upset) No, I'm not ok. The only guy I've ever been crazy about is going to Minsk and I'll never-I may never see him again.
Joey: You, y'know you could always visit him.
Phoebe: O, right, like they're gonna let me have a passport.
Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need.
Phoebe: (Smiling a little) Well, but, now, if-if you can achieve positromic distillation of sub-atomic particles y'know before he does then he can come back. (Realizing, they hug again)
Joey: (Shrugging) I could give it a shot.
(Phoebe smiles and hugs him tighter(Note: Lisa did some really nice acting in this scene I was pretty upset about David leaving))
[Scene: Hallway between Joey and Rachel's and Monica and Chandler's apartments: Chandler and Rachel are lying on the floor with forks, eating the spilt cake]
Rachel: O, yay look there's a piece that doesn't have floor on it!
Chandler: Stick to your side!!!
Rachel: Hey, come on now.
(They both hear someone's footsteps approaching and look up at each other, not knowing what to do)
Joey: (Looks at them for a minute, then sits down) Alright what are we having. (Takes a fork from out of his inner jacket pocket)
Commercial
[Scene: Wedding Reception: Monica and Ross are leaving and are at the door]
Monica: O wait, I forgot my wrap.
Ross: (Wanting to leave)Wh-ok, wait here.
(Just as Ross gets to Monica's seat, aunt Millie sits down in it. She doesn't see him, and he tries to pull out Monica's wrap without being noticed. He is unsuccessful and Millie turns around.)
Aunt Millie: Hi, sweetie, are you leaving???
Ross: Well. . .
Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. (She puts both her hands on the side of his face)
(He tries to force his cheek onto her lips, but she finally gets her lips on his)
Ross: (Very loudly) Why??? Why on the Lips??!!??!!
End