"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you." -Lao-Tzu
"Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was." -Richard L. Evans
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance." -Confucius
"Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life." -Andrew Brown
"He who controls the past commands the future. He who commands the future conquers the past." -George Orwell
"A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Every day sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort." -Sydney Smith
"The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it." -William Gibson
"Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it." -Philip K. Dick
"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action." -Anon?
"All generalizations are bad." -R. H. Grenier
"To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen." -Miguel De Unamuno?
"98% of all statistics are made up." -Anon?
"When you don't know where you're going any road will take you there." -Alice
"Those that have nothing to aim for, aim for nothing." -Anon?
"98% of all statistics are made up." -Anon?
"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped." - Marcel Achard
"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by." - Douglas Adams
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." - Douglas Adams
"Practical politics consists in ignoring facts." - Henry Adams
"If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done." - Scott Adams
"Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." - Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured." - Konrad Adenauer
"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction." - Noelie Alite
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television." - Fred Allen
"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart." - Fred Allen
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?" - Woody Allen
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday." - Woody Allen
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." - Woody Allen
"Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered?" - Woody Allen
"What if we are all victims of a mass delusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet." -Woody Allen
"In california they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into television shows." - Woody Allen, "Annie Hall'
"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network." - Guy Almes
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." - Jeremy S. Anderson
"I am diagonally parked in a paralell universe" - Anonymous
"The Problem with Reality is the lack of background music" - Anonymous
"The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it." - Anonymous
"A behaviorist is someone who pulls habits out of rats." - Anonymous
"Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years." - Anonymous
"If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it." - Anonymous
"An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention." - Anonymous
"Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates..." - Anonymous
"Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers." - Anonymous
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar." - Anonymous
"Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item." - Anonymous
"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter." - Anonymous
"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering." - Anonymous
"Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" - Anonymous
"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Anonymous
"The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one." - Anonymous
"I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it." - Anonymous Chinese Student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989
"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way." - Anonymous
"Guide to understanding a net.addict's day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet." - Anonymous
"He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss." - Anonymous
"This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation." - Anonymous
"Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases." - Anonymous
"Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food." - Anonymous
"Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET?" - Anonymous
"Schizophrenia beats being alone." -Anonymous
"We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization." - Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.
"My good intentions are completely lethal." - Margaret Atwood
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian Bach
"A small town is a place where there's no place to go where you shouldn't." - Burt Bacharach
Backward conditioning: Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring
"Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation." - Francis Bacon
"Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down." - Russell Baker
"Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost." - Russell Baker
"The main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death. As New Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are. Good town." - Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn
"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin." - Honore DeBalzac
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Marion Barry, Mayor, Washington, D.C.
"I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including: * Both of your socks should always be the same color * Or they should at least both be fairly dark - Dave Barry
"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home." - Dave Barry
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." - Dave Barry
"The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible." - Bernard Baruch
Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
"I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40." - Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on aman he'd just shot.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory." - Ingrid Bergman
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils." - Hector Berlioz
"No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded." - Yogi Berra
"You can observe a lot by watching." - Yogi Berra
"It gets late early out there." - Yogi Berra
"LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
"NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
"PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office." - Ambrose Bierce
"Never moon a werewolf." - Mike Binder
"After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history." - Bits & Pieces
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. " - Erma Bombeck
"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." - Erma Bombeck
"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon." - Napoleon Bonaparte
"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot." - Elayne Boosler
"I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used." - Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, dying words
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." - Alison Boulter
"The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city." - Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review
"Always behave like a duck--keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath." - Jacob Braude
"Basic research is when I'm doing what I don't know what I'm doing." - Wernher Von Braun
"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news." - Bertolt Brecht
"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." - David Brinkley
Bradle's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
"If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed." - Beau Brummel
"The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with the wish to teach himself." - Edward Bulwer-Lytton
"I don't feel good." - Luther Burbank, dying words
"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." - Milton Burle
"Too bad all the people that know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair." - George Burns
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons
"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical quesions" - Henry N. Camp
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." - Al Capone
"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality." - Al Capone
"Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered." - Al Capp
"I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the trth and they never believe me." - Camillo Di Cavour
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students" - John Ciardi
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." - George Carlin
"Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you've got an economist." - Thomas Carlyle
"A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary." - Thomas Carruthers
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." - Johnny Carson
"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock." - Wynn Catlin
"Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall." - David Chambless
"Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. - Anton Chekhov
"Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive." - G. K. Chesterton
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people." - G. K. Chesterton
"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." - G. K. Chesterton
"A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject" - Winston Churchill
"A dollar saved is a quarter earned." - John Ciardi
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy
"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military." - Clemenceau
"Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible." - Frnak Moore Colby
Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook
"Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents." - Billiam Coronel
"Drive in banks were established so most of the cars today can see their real owners." - E. Joseph Cossman
"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget is once." - E. Joseph Cossman
COBOL: Completely Over and Beyond Reason Or Logic
"There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse." - Wuentin Crisp
"There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry" - George Armstrong Custer
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
"I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair." - Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" "Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car." - Evan Davis
"Tomorrow's computers some time next month." - DEC
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." - Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles, 1962
"Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop." - Definitions, Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneres
"Tear open packet, unfold and use." - Directions on moist towelette package
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 1- Get elected. 2- Get Re-elected. 3- Don't get mad, get even. - Sen. Everett Dirksen
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." - Philip K. Dick
"This compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. Half the tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles of water on the floor. Digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi, un-professional masters at great expense. feel stupid yet?" - Disclaimer on a CD
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." - Benjamin Disraeli
"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother." - Ken Dodd
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles Duell, Director of U,S, Patent Offive, 1899
"I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest." - Alexandre Dumas pere
"To every Ph.D there is an equal and opposite Ph.d." - B. Duggan
"Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences." - Isadora Duncan
"Trust everybody, but cut the cards." - Finley Peter Dunne
"Never judge a book by it's movie." - J.W. Eagen
"That's the nature of research-you don't know what in hell you're doing." - 'Doc' Edgerton
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." - Thomas Edison
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by are eighteen." - Albert Einstein
"It is easier to denature plutonium than denature the evil spirit of Man" - Albert Einstein
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." - Albert Einstein
"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?" - Albert Einstein
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." - Albert Einstein
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." - Albert Einstein
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." - Albert Einstein
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." - Albert Einstein
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency." - Albert Einstein
"Everything should be made a simple as possible, but not simpler." - Albert Einstein
"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers." - T. S. Eliot
"The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogren and stupidity." - Harlan Ellison
"Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.' - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." - English Professor, Ohio University
"Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at."
"You can pay attention to the fact, in which case you'll probably become a mathematician, or you can ignore it, in which case you'll probably become a physicist." - Len Evans, professor, Northwestern University, teaching an honors calculus course
"I think, therefore I'm single." - Female philosopher
"We have a habit in writing articles published in scientific journals to make the work as finished as possible, to cover up all the tracks, to not worry about the blind alleys or describe how you had the wrong idea at first, and so on. So there isn't any place to publish, in a dignified manner, what you actually did in order to get to do the work." - Richard Feynman
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - W.C. Fields
"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." - Malcolm S. Forbes
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." - Henry Ford
"One of the greatest labor saving inventions of today is tomorrow." - Vincent T. Foss
"Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned." - Milton Friedman
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." - Robert Frost
"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel." - Robert Frost
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers." - Gandhi
"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money." - Arthur Godfrey
"Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance." - King George V
"You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit." - E.A. Gilliam
"Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water." - Sidney Goff
"America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole." - Bobcat Goldthwait
"It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar." - Jane Goodsell
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like you passport photo." - Al Gore
"I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good." - Amy Gorin
"When we ask for advise, we are usually looking for an accomplice." - Marquis De La Grange
"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease." - Colin Greene
"These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder." - Jeff Greenfield, news analyst, describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial, 1995
"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen." - Woodie Guthrie
"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it." - Buddy Hackett
"Cute little babies that fall out of swings - These are a few of my favourite things." - Oscar Hammerstein, working lyric for a piece from "The Sound of Music"
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane." - June Henderson
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt." - J. Heller
"Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad." - Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994
"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." - Florence Henderson
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. " - Buck Henry
"Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes." - Baendan Hills
"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there." - Joel Hodgson
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position." - John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job
"Hell is paved with good samaritans." - William M. Holden
"They think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning." - Billie Holliday
"If a thing is worth doing at all, it is worth doing badly." - Gustav Holst, on amateur music-making
"Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt." - Herbert Hoover
"And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first -- an attempted suicide." - Chris Hubbock, who shot herself during a broadcast
"Maybe this world is another planet's hell." - Aldous Huxley
"Call on God, but row away from the rocks." - Indian proverb
"Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders." - Bob Inglis, 1995
"2,400,000 Americans play the accordian - hopefully not at the same time." - inside of a Pepsi cap
"The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds." - The Indianapolis Star
"One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette." - Prof. Charles P. Issawi
"Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?" - Holbrook Jackson
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Rich Jeni
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Rich Jeni
"I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of them, and I know how bad I am." - Samuel Johnson
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." - Thomas Jones
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have for instance." - Franklin P. Jones
"Now is the time for all good men to come to." - Walt Kelly
"The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time." - Leo Kennedy
"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself." - Lisa Kirk
"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible." - Alfred A. Knopf
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." - Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
"If you look like your passport photo, you're too sick to travel." -Will Kommen
"The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.' - Ladies' Home Journal
"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks." - Doug Larson
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer, on NBC's "Today" show, August 22, 1996
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence
"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe." - Denis Leary
"Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs." - Tom Lehrer
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not." - Fran Lebowitz
"Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk." - Fran Lebowitz
"You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience." - Stanislaw J. Lem
"Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors." - Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
"He who limps is still walking." - Stanislaw J. Lec
"Eh! Je suis leur chef, il fallait bien les suivre. (Ah well! I am their leader, I really ought to follow them.)" - Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. " - John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2) Advising the President.
3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. "
- David Letterman
"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines." - David Letterman
"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on." - Oscar Levant
"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless." - Sinclair Lewis
"Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." - Abraham Lincoln
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln
"The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95." - Los Angeles disc jockey, right after the February 1990 earthquake
"When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done." - Daniel B.Luten
