The First Olympics… Sort of.

Place- Mulder and Scully’s office, FBI HQ.

Time- One o’ clock

Mulder is sitting at his computer and is jabbing the keys on it very hard.

Mulder- Go, go, go!! Yes, get in the hole!! Go, go, go!! Yes!! (Mulder gets up and starts to move

and groove, doing a little victory dance around the office.)

The door opens and Frohike and Krycek walk in. They stare at Mulder, who’s butt is wiggling and back’s turned.

Krycek- Go Muldy!!

Frohike- What are you doing??

Mulder turns around slowly and looks at the two men sheepishly.

Mulder- Uh, hi guys.

Frohike and Krycek- Uh, hi.

Mulder scratches head and sits down at desk.

Mulder- Are you guys here for any specific reason?

Krycek- Well I came to see you dance, Muldy.

Frohike- (makes a disgusted face.) I didn’t.

Mulder- (sighs heavily.) Krycek, why are you always bothering me about such stupid things?

Krycek- (Whimpers) I’m sorry.

Frohike- Uh, well I don’t know about all that, but I came to show you this.

Frohike- (throws a piece of old fashioned parchment on the desk.) It was at our office when I walked in the morning.

Mulder unrolls the parchment and reads.

Mulder- (reading) You are cordially invited to the First Olympics in Ancient Greece, starting at 7:00 am Grecian Western Time. To make travel reservations ask the strange little guy. (looks at Frohike.) Um, Mr. Strange Little Guy, could you tell me how to get there?

Frohike- I am not strange and I am not little!!

Krycek- The Olympics? W-O-W!! I can do something I’ve always wanted to do!!

Mulder- (Raises eyebrows.) And that would be?

Krycek- Wear white tights… And be a gymnast!!

Frohike- (Edges away from Krycek) Um, I think I have to get my time machine out in of the car. (Leaves quickly.)

Mulder looks at Krycek, a pained expression on his face.

Scully walks in

Scully- Hello Mulder. (Sees Krycek, smug smile comes on her face.) Oh, hi, Krycek. What’re you guys doing in here… alone.

Mulder makes a face at Scully and Scully smiles patronizingly.

Krycek- Scully, guess what? We’re gonna be in the Olympics, and I can wear white tights!!!

Scully- (Looks at Mulder) Don’t tell me we’re hosting the Olympic Games.

Mulder- No. Nothing like that… Only, Frohike is gonna get his time machine and we’re gonna go down to Ancient Greece and participate.

Scully- (mouth drops open.) What?

Frohike walks back in the room, lugging a piece of heavy equipment.

Frohike- All right, let’s go.

Scully- What?

Mulder- Come on Scully- It’ll be fun!

Scully- You’ve told me this before.

Krycek- I wanna go! I wanna be a gymnast and wear tights and…

Mulder, Fohike, Scully- We know Krycek!!

Scully- Mulder, this is ludicrous.

Mulder- Scully, I’m going no matter what.

Scully- What if you get tied to a tree again Mulder? What do I have to do, save you again? (taps foot impatiently.) And what about him? (Looks at Krycek.) Are you gonna get him killed too?

Mulder- Well…

Scully- Don’t answer. (Holds up hand.) Fine, I’ll come, but if something happens I’m leaving you all behind.

Mulder- Scully, you’re the best.

Frohike- (stares longingly at her.) Wow, she’s amazing.

Scully- Remember, Frohike, I’ve taken lessons from Xena. (Holds up hands.)

Frohike- (snaps to attention.) Yes ma’am.

Mulder- All right, let’s go.

Krycek- (Claps hands.) Yay!! I get to wear the tights!!

Scully- Do we have to take him?

Frohike has set up the time machine, and it’s too late to change their minds now. He presses a button and everyone disappears from sight.

Place- Ancient Greece, a clearing.

Time- 7:01 am Grecian Western Time

Gabby, Xena, Hercules, and Joxer are standing in the clearing amidst many different types of Ancient Grecian sporting equipment.

Gabby- Hey, Xena how do you know those guys got our message.

Xena- I don’t.

Hercules- Well, I know they got it (sniffs indignantly.) I called in a favor from one of my Mt. Olympus buddies.

Gabby- (Looks at Herc) And that would be…?

Herc- (Looks down, embarrassed.) Um… Dodo… God of Sanitation.

Joxer- (sitting on grass. Picks up a blade. Sticks it into his mouth.) Huh?

Gabby- God of Sanitation? We shoulda asked Ares.

Xena- He wouldn’t after that episode with the "fritos."

Gabby- Whatever.

All stand/sit in the clearing, then a portal appears and Scully, Mulder, Krycek, and Frohike step out.

Xena- Bout time.

Frohike- Well, excuuuseee me! I try so hard!

Xena raises two warning pinching fingers.

Frohike- Eep.

Frohike runs away.

Scully- Hey Xena.

Xena- Scully. (nods.) I can see you’re the only sane one in this party.

Krycek- Where’s the tights?

Herc- What tights? I was supposed to bring tights? Man!

Mulder- So Xena, we meet again.

Gabby- Unfortunately.

Krycek- I wanna be a gymnast!!!

Mulder- (Looks at Xena and Gabby) I really don’t know him.

Xena- I don’t care, I just want to compete and prove I’m the best Warrior Princess here!

Herc- You’re the only warrior princess here!

Joxer and Krycek- Hey, I though we were Warrior Princesses too!

Gabby- Go away! You two are the most empty headed morons I’ve ever met.

Krycek- Come on Joxer! (sniffs indignantly) I can see we’re not wanted. Let’s go find some speedo’s and go swimming!

Joxer- What about the tights, I wanna be a gymnast, too!

Both leave.

Xena- Ok, now that they're gone, let's get down to business.

Herc- Hey! What about the tights?! (pouts)

Mulder- (to himself) Not another one... Anyways, why exactly are we here?

Xena- (shakes head)Don't you get it? You are about to witness history in the making.

Herc- Yeah! History!

Gabby- That, and we really couldn't think of any events.

Xena- That's not true... But we could use a little help.

Mulder- (thoughtfully) Hmmmm... Olympic sports, huh... (strokes chin) Maybe we could give out a medal for most alien sightings!!

Scully- Um, no?

Gabby- Well, Xena, I'm getting bored! Can we start now?!

Xena- Well, I guess... But we need to do the whole ceremony. And we need music, but the band didn't show up.

Scully- (Looks at Mulder) Hey, ahem, DJ Foxy M, maybe you could help...

Mulder- (frowns) I left all my stuff at home...

Then, suddenly, a crash is heard in the distance~~ The source of the noise--

Madame Twanky- Did I hear someone say they needed entertainment?

Mulder- I don't think you could help us, um, Madame Twanky.

Madame Twanky- Oh, yes I could! When I was younger, I was a dancer, a model, and a singer. I was the best(a faraway look comes on her face.) I broke all the young men's hearts.

Scully- Um... Ok.

Madame Twanky- Well, are you ready for me to sing the anthem?

Xena- Not really...

Madame Twanky ignores Xena's doubtful gaze and walks up to the small stage that has been set up.

Madame Twanky- Ahem... Testing, testing...

Mulder rolls eyes.

Then there's a crash in the distance...

Meowith- YOU IDIOTS!! Now look where we are! You and your stupid schemes!

James- Jesse, my head hurts.

Jesse- Shut up James! You are such a baby! Oh, look there are some people... You know what that means!

Team Rocket- POKEMON!!

Team Rocket bound over the hill they have appeared on and make their way over to the small group.

Mulder- Hey look! It's the ALIENS!!

Scully- Oh God.

All the while, Madame Twanky is preparing to let out her first note.

Madame Twanky- Do, Rae---

Jesse- Prepare for trouble!

James- And make it double!

Jesse- To protect the world from devastation

James- To unite all people within our nation.

Jesse- To denounce the evil of truth and love.

James- To extend our reach to the stars above.

Jesse- Jesse!

James- James…!

TEAM ROCKET- TEAM ROCKET BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT! SURRENDER NOW AND PREPARE TO FIGHT.

Meowith- Meowith. That’s right!

Mulder- YES!! The alien’s have arrived! Man, I’ve been waiting for you guys to get here!

James- No! We want Pikachu!!! Where is that yellow cheesepuff?

Scully- Cheesepuff? Pikachu? Maybe you should ask the Madame. She might know.

Madame Twanky- (huffing and puffing) I am soooo ANGRY! I was about to sing and you klutzes destroyed my masterpiece! My ultimate shining moment! (Begins to weep)

Jesse- What a fruit!

Mulder- (singing, under breath) We’re fruits, fruits in tights. We sing and dance like we have white tights!

Scully- Shut up, Mulder.

Mulder- (whimpers) Fine, I see how it is… I’m leaving now. Come on Herc, let’s go.

Herc- Um… OK.

Both leave.

Xena- (yawns) I knew this was a bad idea, Gabby.

Gabby- I thought it would be FUN!!!

Scully- Well, I don’t…

Xena- WHATEVER! Let’s just get this show on the road. Madame Twanky have you decided on a

song?

Madame Twanky- (dries eyes with hanky. Blows nose loudly.) Yes, I have.

Xena- Then please… Be my guest!

Madame Twanky- (stands up, straightens) Ahem… Maestro!

"Men in Tights Theme comes on"

Madame Twanky- (sings) We’re Men… Men in Tights. We run around Ancient Greece looking for fights!

UNKNOWN CHORUS- YAH!!!

Madame Twanky- We may look like PANSIES! But get them wrong and they’ll put out your lights!

UNKNOWN CHORUS- RIGHT!!

Madame Twanky- Their men! MANLY men! Men IN TIGHTS Tight tights!!!!!

Overture plays… Krycek, Frohike, Mulder, Herc, and Joxer come out in white tights. They form a kick line and begin to…

CHORUS- We’re MEN IN TIGHTS!!! (starts kicking)

James- (Mouth wide open) Oh! OH! I want to kick too!!! (Pull off Team Rocket clothes, revealing a pink frilly froofy tutu.) Come on Meowith! It’s FUN!

Meowith- That’s right!

Madame Twanky- (kicks and jumps onto the ground, joining the other men in tights)

ALL except Scully, Xena, Gabby, and Jesse continue singing.

KICK LINE- We’re Men IN TIGHTS!!!! (Stop, pose!) We’re BUFF!

Xena- (Slaps forehead. ) This is out of control! This is a freakin circus! I’m stopping this now!

All the KICK LINE runs away, except for Krycek, Mulder, and Frohike. James grabs Meowith and Jesse and screams-

TEAM ROCKET- Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off AGGGGAAAAAINNN!!!

Herc and Joxer run over the hill. Madame Twanky follows.

Madame Twanky- Give me back my Tights!!

Xena approaches Mulder, Frohike, and Krycek.

Xena- DIE!!!! (Pinches Frohike and Krycek. They gasp for air and struggle to breathe. Then collapse.)

Scully- Wait! Don’t kill Muldy!

Xena- WHAT?

Scully- I wanna do it! (Brandishes gun, shoots)

Mulder crumples to the ground.

Xena- YES! Peace at last.

Gabby- You know, the way of hate and violence is not the proper way.

Scully and Xena- Shut up!!!!

Gabby- (smiles sheepishly) OK… Hey you guys up for kicking a little barbarian butt?

ALL- YEAH!!!

The three female warriors journey off into the sunset.

MEANWHILE…

Place: Hades

Time: ???

Mulder- WHERE THE HELL AM I???

Charon- You are in HELL. Please pay the toll, welcome to Hades… Enjoy your stay!

Mulder- WHATTT??? SCULLYYYYY!!! Hellllpppppp!!!!

Will Mulder live to see another day. To see more white tights? Find out next time…

TO BE CONTINUED…