Disclaimer: All Sailor Moon characters are property of DIC, Bandai, etc. X-Files characters are property of Fox, 10-13, etc. Any other reference is strictly theatrical and for entertainment. None of these events happened in real life and have been invented in my sick brain. Enjoy!
The Sailor Scouts and the Man in Boxers…
Place- Mulder and Scully’s office, FBI HQ.
Time- 10 o’ clock am
Scully sits at Mulder’s desk, thumbing through an X-File. All of a sudden, Mulder bursts in, wearing boxers and a tank top.
Scully- (not looking up) Krycek broke into your apartment again?
Mulder- Hah, ha. No, this is much worse… Or better. I had an encounter with aliens.
Scully- (puts X-File on desk.) Did they like Muldy-Wuldy’s Donald Duck boxers?
Mulder- (sniffs) As a matter of fact- Yes.
Scully- (looks away) Woo! Yeah, ok!
Mulder- I’m serious! This is a new breed of alien! We’ve encountered them in the past, but this is it!!
Scully- Oh-Kay! Like I’m supposed to buy that!
Mulder- Well, once I tell you the story you will.
Scully- Let’s here it, PJ Man.
Mulder- Funny. Anyway, it all began…
BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE…
Place- Mulder’s apartment
Time- Seven o’ clock that morning.
Mulder is laying on his couch, fast asleep. He is drooling slightly and his hair is fluffed up to one side.
Mulder- (in his sleep) Ohhh… Krycek- go away… Hey Scully… Why are you wearing… Speedo…
Suddenly- A crashing noise is heard from the kitchen.
Mulder- Huh, huh? (jumps up) Mom?! (Realizes where he is, reaches over to to night table and grabs gun.)
Mulder gets up and quietly walks to his kitchen.
Mulder- I’m armed, come out quietly.
Mulder leaps in front of the kitchen door.
Serena- (mouth full of cake) AHHHH!!!
Mulder- AHH!!
Both- AHH!!
Serena spits out cake.
Serena- Uh, oh . Are you from the Negaverse?
Mulder- It’s you again!!
Serena- (scrapes tongue) That cake was like, five years old!!
Mulder- Hey you’ve been in here, without explaining anything and you’re criticizing my food?
Serena- (smiles uncomfortably) Uh… Nice boxers? (smiles broadly.)
Mulder- (smiles) Thanks. (realizes what’s happening, covers boxers.) Huh?! This is the second time you’ve seen me in my underwear!
Serena- The other ones were nicer.
Mulder- Y’think? I thought about getting another… Hey! Why am I explaining to you? How ‘bout you explaining to me?
Serena- Uh, uh, uh- WAH!! (begins crying loudly.)
Mulder- (slaps forehead) Oh, boy. Now what? Please, please stop crying. (tries to awkwardly pat Serena’s shoulder.)
Serena- (wrenches away, shakes head violently.) No! I’m scared! WAH!!
Mulder- Oh God… Why don’t you sit down and um- tell me your name?
Serena- (sniffles, nods) Oh, oh, ok…
Both walk over to Mulder’s couch and sit down.
Mulder thinking Serena is an alien, grabs a tape recorder and presses RECORD.
Serena- I’m Serena. But, I’m also known as Sailor Moon. I’m the Princess of the Moon Kingdom and am destined to rule with Tuxedo Mask.
Mulder- (holds up a "wait" finger, picks up tape recorder.) Note- Colonization plan and possible government involvement. Coincidence? I think not!
Serena- Huh?
Mulder- Oh, nothing. (smiles broadly)
All of a sudden the window above Mulder’s desk shatters and… Tuxedo Mask and the Sailor Scouts appear!
Inner Scouts- We are the Sailor Scouts!
Mars- I’m Sailor Mars! (strikes a pose)
Venus- I’m Sailor Venus! (pose)
Jupiter- And I’m Sailor Jupiter! (pose)
Mercury- And don’t forget- Sailor Mercury! (pose)
All- We’ll punish you!!
Outer scouts appear.
Begin beautiful Japanese music…
Neptune- I am Sailor Neptune, acting gracefully!
Pluto- And I am the keeper of time and space. Serving the god of the underworld- Sailor Pluto!
Uranus- And finally- Sailor Uranus, acting gorgeously!
End music…
Mulder- (stands up, scratches head) Um, ok. Your anus is acting gorgeously?
Uranus- (rolls eyes) You could never understand…
Tuxedo Mask- Sailor Moon, transform!
Serena- Come on, Darion! I’m tired!
Mulder- Look, Mr. Masky- I think you and your alien buddies should leave me alone.
Darion (Tuxedo Mask)- (shocked) Serena! Have you left me for this?! This man in Donald Duck boxers?!
Mulder- Excuse me! I happen to like my boxers!
Serena- (jumps up, hugs Darion) Of course not, Darion! I love you!
Mulder- Oh God. (sighs) OK. Why don’t all you and all you moon people tell me about yourselves.
Raye, Amy, and Lita- What?!
Mina and Pluto- Excuse me?
Uranus and Neptune- Forget this!
Mulder- Well Miss Moon told me she was from the moon!
Tuxedo Mask- Well, that’s true… But we’re not all from the moon.
Mulder- (sits down, exasperated.) Arggh! You people are so crazy! If you’re not from the moon and you’re not from here, then where are you from?!
Raye- Well, I was from Mars.
Darion- I was from here!
Mulder- Help me… I think real aliens have given me a brain tumor.
Serena- I’m hungry.
Darion- Not now, sweetie.
Mulder- (lays down on couch) There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home… I’m gonna wake up in a minute and this will all be a dream.
Pluto- This is a dream? (twirls staff, hits Mulder in the stomach)
Mulder- Ahh!! (grabs stomach)
Pluto- Oops! Sorry!
Mulder- (near tears) Mommy! Scully! Anybody! Help!
At this point the Sailor Scouts have filled the apartment. Raye and Serena are exploring the kitchen, Uranus and Neptune are reading a magazine, and Mina and Lita are going through the video tapes.
Lita- (looks up at Mulder, who is holding his head in his hands.) The Conference for Alien Life? Hello? Did you ever hear of 1-800-Dial-A-Life?
Mina- (picks up a tape) The best of the Girl channel?! Ick! What a perv! (throws tape out the window.)
Mulder- I spent fifty bucks on that! (sobs)
Darion- Man, don’t you have a life?
Mulder- I can’t believe I’m talking to a man wearing a tuxedo and a ridiculous mask, asking me if I have a life!
Darion- But there’s a difference! I’m saving the world!
Mulder- Oh, God!
Serena bounces back into the living room.
Serena- Let’s go home! There’s no food here!
Mulder- (interested) Where’s home?
Serena- Tokyo, of course!
Mulder- Wha? (Falls back on sofa)
Pluto- Come on, let’s go.
All except Mulder- All right.
All the scouts gather around Pluto.
Pluto- (raises staff) Time Gate Open!
A portal appears and the sailor scouts journey through.
Mulder watches, dumbfounded.
Mulder- Hey, where ya going…? Wait! I’m not done yet! Hey! (walks over to broken window, holds up hands) Why me? Why me!?(bows head)
End Flashback…
Mulder- And here I am. Apparantly, one of the aliens spilt spoiled orange juice all over my clothes. I knew I had an extra set of clothes here and I came as soon as I taped up my window.
Scully- (gets up and locates two hangers of clothes, throws them to Mulder.) Now… Mr. Perv, was it? How am I supposed to believe all this?
Mulder- Ah-ha! And here’s the best part! Ta-da! Look, recorded proof of alien life! (Mulder produces the tape recorder) Look, this is the entire event, all caught on tape! (Mulder jumps around happily) Hah-ha! I have proof! Nah-nah-na-na-nah! (sticks out tongue) Listen to the tape while I’m changing—
Krycek bursts in wearing the same outfit as Mulder.
Krycek- Oh! Mulder, nice boxers! Lookin’ good! (sees tape recorder) Hey, what’s this?
Mulder- Krycek, go away! (waves arms)
Krycek- Hey, what does this button do? (presses a button, a high pitched whine comes out of the little speaker.)
Mulder- No!! (grabs recorder from Krycek, presses PLAY button. Silence.) Nooooo!! It’s gone! Krycek!
Krycek- Uh, oh, did I make an oopsie?
Mulder- An oopsie?! I’m going to kill you, you, you, BURNT CLAMSHELL!
Krycek- No! Muldy-poo, how can you say such things? What shall I do? (sobs, strikes dramatic pose)
Mulder- (begins to choke Krycek) Die, die, die!!!
Krycek- I’m so-rr-yyy! (gagging)
All the while, Scully is watching impatiently.
Scully- Ah-hem.
Mulder and Krycek stop struggling and look at Scully.
Both- Huh?
Scully- Mulder, Krycek, do you realize you’re only wearing underwear?
Both- So?
Scully- Never mind. (walks to door) I’m outta here. (leaves)
Mulder- Scully, you might get abducted! Let me protect you! (follows)
Krycek- Wait, Mulder, my love, who will protect you? (rushes out)