Once upon a time, as all fairy tales must begin, there lived a man who was (sadly enough for him) married to a woman. He had two children, Hansel, err, Heero, and Gretel, I mean, Duo. The man’s name was Treize. He was a poor woodcutter and his wife, well, second wife, Une, wanted him to get rid of his beloved (?) children. She nagged him and threatened to go bitch-Une on him until he finally consented, well, not really.

Hansel, oops, Heero and Duo – who in this story is in no way, shape, or form related to him, but is actually the orphaned next door neighbor taken in by Treize – overheard Heero’s parents talking.

“Treize, you must get rid of them! We’ll starve to death! Especially with the way that Duo eats!”

“But I…They’re my children! Well, not Duo, but I can’t!” Treize objected.

“Then I will! No objections! Tomorrow I will lead them deep into the forest, while you go to cut wood, and leave them there. They will not find their way home. Bwahaha!”

In the boys’ bedroom…

“Oi, Heero!” Duo whispered. “What are we going to do?”

“Hn.” Heero replied. For those of you who don’t speak the complex language of grunts, he said, “we will gather white stones and drop them on the path while we walk to make a trail.”

“Cool!” So Heero and Duo went and filled their pockets – in Heero’s case spandex space – full of little white stones and waited for their ‘mother’ to awaken them.

“Children,” Une began, “I will lead you into the forest and leave you…I mean, let you look for berries, while your father cuts wood. Here is half the bread we have left. Do not waste it!”

So Une led them deep into the forest. Heero and Duo left a trail of white stones. Une left them in a clearing. As she walked away, she noticed the stones and scattered them so the boys could not find their way home to the cabin. Heero and Duo fell asleep waiting for her to leave. When they woke up, they looked for their trail, but it was gone!!

“Ohmygod! Heero! The trail of pretty white stones is gone and we cannot find our way home. Whatever shall we do?”

“…” Heero replied. “Call Lassie?”

*sweatdrop* “Umm, no. Heero can we ask those two cute little forest animals over there?”

“What animals?”

Suddenly, Trowa and Quatre appear in animal costumes. Heero pulled out a gun and aimed it at the ‘animals’. “Take us home,” he ordered in his normal monotone.

Duo sighed before clearing his throat. The two bishonen in animal clothing broke their suction cup lock on each other’s faces at the interruption.

“Uh-hem! Excuse me, cute, adorable, and very hickied animals, could you lead us back to our cabin? We seem to have been left… I mean, gotten lost.”

Quatre looks at HellFire. “If we do, will you leave Trowa and me alone for the rest of the fic?”

“Most of it, yeah.” HellFire replies.

“Okay. Yes, lost bishonen, we will lead you home. Come Trowa, the sooner we get there, the sooner we get to…” Quatre whispered the rest.

Trowa’s visible eye widened as a blush crept across his face. He grabbed Quatre and Duo, who grabbed Heero, and took off at Mach III.

Several moments later, which the as the almighty fanfic writer, I changed to night, the boys arrived home. The two fuzzy animals disappeared into the bushes as Heero and Duo entered the cabin.

“We’re home!” Duo announced.

“Boys?”

“Boys! You’re back!”

“Bed time!” Une growled. “It’s late. Where have you been? To bed without supper!”

“Une…”

“We have to talk Treize, dear. Boys, to bed, now!”

The two boys complied but when they tried to listen to the conversation, they were unable to hear. So after making like weasels, they fell asleep.

The next day, they were pulled from their bed, given the remaining bread, and once again led off. This time they had to leave a trail of bread crumbs, which, not to their knowledge, the birds of the forest ate. After Une had left them, they could not find their trail and were lost.

All of a sudden, a surprised Chinese boy was tossed into the clearing. Literally.

“Ouch! Get OFF my braid!”

“Damn onna!”

“Hn!”

After separating themselves, the new boy was poked.

“Wufei?” HellFire prompted. “Lines.”

“Fine! Because it is so unjustly demanded of me, I will lead you to the house a candy and other good things with a garage of rice. Wait a minute, ‘garage of rice’ isn’t in the story!”

“I know, but Heero won’t eat a lot of candy, so I gave him rice. Well, so lead on!” HellFire makes a shooing motion.

“Which way?” Wufei looks around at the endless rows of trees.

“North. No, no! The other North!”

As soon as the house was in sight, Duo leapt onto it and began munching away, quickly making a rather large dent. Heero calmly picks up a bowl and chopsticks and begins to efficiently eat the garage.

“Who’s that nibbling on my house? Nibbling, nibbling like a mouse?” A high pitch female voice filled their ears. “Come inside and I will give you more.”

In nanoseconds, Duo was inside, dragging Heero behind. But before Duo could blink, Heero was in a cage and a blonde female had appeared.

Duo looked from the cage to the blonde and summed up everything in two words. “Well, shit!” Then he added, “Who’re you?”

“I am the Queen of the world and you shall serve me, unless you never want to see Heero again!” Relena laughed evilly.

“Umm, let’s see. Serve Relena *shutter* or never see my Heero again… *gulp* I guess I have to serve Relena.” Duo frowned. “The things I do for Spandex Boy.”

So Relena made Duo do all the house work and chores, including plucking her eyebrows and waxing her…never mind, and other torturous tasks while she tried to put some weight on the Japanese boy. She was so blind in her lustful obsession, that she didn’t notice she was pinching a stick instead of his arm.

After a few hours of work, Duo had an idea. He called for Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei. They ran off and drug a huge, full-length mirror back to Relena’s.

Treize spots Duo as he drags the mirror and follows them to the house. He left Une *bwahaha!* (She deserved it for the way she treated poor Heero and Duo!)

Well, to make a short story shorter, Duo tricked Relena into looking into the mirror (not that hard to do) and she was immediately absorbed by her only reflection and she got sucked into the mirror. (Don’t ask how.)

Duo picked the lock on Heero’s cage and Heero, after being denied nookie for the entire day and being stuck in a cage, had developed a taste for bondage. He grabbed Duo and some silk scarves and ran to the nearest bedroom.

Trowa and Quatre disappeared into another bedroom, shedding their animal costumes. Treize had inherited Oz from his uncle and was now very rich. He spotted Wufei, who had heard someone shouting from the basement and was going to investigate. Wufei carefully opened the door and out popped Zechs, who immediately fell in love with both Wufei and Treize, who had been sneaking up to grab the Chinese youth. He grabbed one under each arm and took off to Treize’s huge bedroom.

Une eventually paired off with Noin, Zech’s ex, who had locked him in Relena’s basement and everyone lived happily ever after until Hilde and Dorothy broke Relena’s mirror, but that is a completely different story, one which I am NOT getting into. Yet...

owari