~*Please baby can't you see
My mind's a burnin' hell
I got razors a rippin and tearin and strippin
My heart's apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin' like something
That might be good for you*~
The sun had just come up, casting an array of yellow streaks to dance across the light blue backdrop of the sky. She didn't notice the things around her. Didn't see the people hurrying off to work, didn't notice her own life crumbling within the palm of her hand. She never saw the signs, the huge flashing signs of his cheating ways. She'd heard rumors about him, but never believed a word of it. She was young and naive and blinded by the glamour that came with the package of his life. She parked her beet red car in the first available parking spot, and got out. The cool air immediately ran its fingers through her yellow-blonde hair and she had to close her soft blue eyes briefly to deflect the bright yellow sun from her eyes.
Days like today were few and far between. She felt something was different, but couldn't place it. She didn't know what had happened, but she knew something wasn't right. She walked to the edge of the road and looked over the mounds of sand and out onto the crashing waves which the sun had cast a yellowish-orange color onto. Her feet sunk into the sand that was partially wet from the dew, as she walked towards the glistening ocean. So many times she had found herself in this very spot. So many times she'd had to take a break from everything and just sit and let things pass her by, rather then pass everything by herself. She sighed loudly and let her legs give out. She landed with a thud on the soft sand and put her head in her hands as she cried.
Why the soft sweet tears came, she didn't know. Why every time she stopped to think about all that she had missed out on, salty water droplets fell from her eyes was a mystery to her. She was young and naive and blinded by the glamour that came with the package of his life. She had so much to learn, so much to go see and do, yet something held her back.
"What are you doing out here?" he asked, plopping himself down next to her. It was then that she realized what beach she had chosen. The one behind his house. She looked around herself for the first time and really noticed how familiar it all looked.
"I just came to think." She fought back her tears. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her cry. She didn't want him to see her weakness. He'd never known the side of her that yearned for something more, for something his money and his fame could never buy.
"Something you need to talk about?" He didn't really care, it just seemed like the right thing to say. He never sounded sincere when he asked questions such as that. He never sounded like he really meant it. She wondered if he had ever asked a girl that question and really meant it in his life. The couple had been together for a few years, off and on, and for the past few days it was off again...and this time it seemed like it was for good. That's what landed her at the beach. It was the perfect place to clear her mind, the perfect way to escape the prison that she had built for herself.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked softly, as more tears seeped from her eyes. She bent her head in shame. She didn't want him to see her like this.
"Tell you what?"
"That you weren't happy."
"I was happy," he said unconvincingly. She looked up at him, wiping away her tears. She couldn't understand why, that after she'd caught him in so many lies before, he still insisted on lying straight to her face.
"No, you weren't."
"Yes, I was," he said sternly.
"Why did you have to go to all those other girls then? Why couldn't you be content with what you had right in front of you? Why did you have to cheat on me and so many times?" She was sobbing now. She didn't care anymore. She wanted him to see how much pain he had caused her. He sat there emotionless with a lack of words. He didn't know what to say. He didn't like to see her cry, after all the time they'd been together, he'd grown to care for her, even though at the beginning he'd never intended to stay with her. He was a player of the worst kind and knew how to play the field without getting caught. This time, however, she had all the evidence to back herself up.
~*Please baby can't you see
I'm trying to explain
I've been here before and I'm locking the door
And I'm not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin won't make
it go away
You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today*~
"I don't know how to explain myself to you, Alicia. I really don't and I don't feel like I should have to." She looked at him with disgust in her eyes. For the first time she understood. She searched for the right words. She needed something to say to really get to him. She was through with him. No longer did she want to be some young and naive girl who was blinded by the glamour that came with the package of his life. She glared down at him as she stood up, grains of sand falling from her clothing and body.
"You have hurt me in a way that you will probably never understand. I was in love with you, Nick. No, let me rephrase that, I thought I was in love with you. The life that you lead left me in complete awe and it took over my senses. Looking back on it now, I don't know why I gave you a chance in the first place. I should have known. I was so young and so naive. So, so stupid," she shook her head, thinking about the mistakes that she had made. "I see you differently, Nick. I see the real you. So many people love and adore the little Pop Prince on the cover of Tiger Beat and Big Bopper and you find some sort of power in that. You think that because you have more money or because you have a bigger house then your next door neighbor that that makes you better then them. It doesn't. And you think that because you wear your Armani and your Gucci and your Ralph Lauren that you are some wonderfully gorgeous human with women falling to their knees before you. Well, I've seen the real you and I pity those poor naive girls who pay money to see you sing, who buy your albums, who someday hope to be Mrs. Nick Carter. You are not beautiful, you are not gorgeous, you're hideous underneath the facade of fame and fortune. You are no better then me or then the other girls that you have taken advantage of because of their vulnerability." She looked at him and saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. He knew she was right, knew that every word that left her lips was the honest to goodness truth. He'd tried so hard not to face his problems, but to instead bury them with new problems. He was slowly crumbling before her very eyes. She had nothing more to say to him, and he couldn't find the words.
"I did love you," she said, sitting back beside him. His watery eyes were pulling at her heart strings. "I did," she pushed his hair off his forehead and kissed it gently. "I wish you could have accepted me. I wish you could have loved me back." She waited a few more moments for him to say something, but he didn't, he couldn't. He felt like his whole soap opera life had just fallen from the heavens, and came hurdling back to earth with increasing speed.
~*But I'm the only one
Who'll walk across the fire for you
I'm the only one
Who'll drown in my desire for you
It's only fear that makes you run
The demons that you're hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I'm the only one*~
Lyrics from "I'm The Only One" by Melissa Etheridge
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