Never Judge a Book By Its Cover
Chapter 33
--Few Days Later--
I sat in Jenn's backyard watching James run around with AJ laughing and playing. I smiled inwardly. James hadn't asked me where daddy was yet and I was somewhat thankful for that. I didn't know how I would explain it to him if he did ask.
"Hey," said Jenn sitting down next to me. I looked over at her and smiled meekly. "How ya doing?" she asked. I shrugged my shoulders.
"I'm okay, I guess. I mean, as okay as I can be, considering the circumstances and all." Jenn nodded her head. I looked back over their yard, thinking about Brian.
"Have you talked to Brian at all?" I turned my head and looked at her, shaking my head. "He called again today."
"I feel sort of bad not talking to him, but I mean whenever I even think about him I feel gross knowing what he did. I mean, you have no idea how it is to know your husband cheated on you."
"Actually I do," she said quietly looking over at AJ.
"He didn't..." She nodded her head.
"That same night. I asked him about it the night you came over and told me everything," she said hanging her head. "But, shit happens. It was 2 years ago, ya know? I mean maybe if we had a family I would feel differently, but oh well. It's in the past, there's nothing I can do about it."
"How can you not care? It just completely grosses me out." Jenn just shrugged.
"You and Brian are a lot different then AJ and I." She paused for a moment. "Besides, I can't be hypocritical." My eyes grew wide. She nodded her head. "Same scenario basically. Remember? At my bacherlorette party?"
"No," I said laughing, "I can't really remember much from that night."
"Neither can I, but I do remember waking up w/ some random guy. Shit happens ya know? He forgave me, so I had to forgive him. I know you and Rok will work everything out. You're like the best couple in the universe and I know you'll realize someday how petty and stupid this whole thing is." Jenn stood up and walked back into the house to answer the phone. She was right. It was pretty stupid, but the fact still remained he touched another girl. He betrayed my trust. Jenn walked back outside and looked down at me, holding the cordless phone out in front of me.
"Who is it?" I asked taking the phone from her.
"Brian. Talk to him," she said and walked away. I saw her signal to AJ to bring James inside so he hoisted him up on his shoulders and walked into the house after Jenn. I put the phone to my ear and took a deep breath.
"Hello?" I asked slowly.
"Hey," he said quietly. "How are you?"
"I'm okay. How about you?"
"That's not the best of questions to ask right now. I miss you so much baby," he said crying into the phone. I sighed and stood up, walking down the backyard towards the lake.
"I miss you too, but I still need a little more time." There was a comfortable silence in which I heard Brian whimper a little bit. "I scheduled the ultrasound. I want you to be there."
"I will be. There's nowhere else in the world that I would rather be on that day," he paused. "I was thinking maybe I could take James to see 'Rocky and Bullwinkle' tomorrow. Would that be okay?"
"Of course."
"You can come too if you'd like." I hesitated. I knew if I went we would end up back together and I knew it wasn't time for that yet. But maybe, just maybe I could go and not give into temptation.
"I don't know, I'll let you know tomorrow."
"Okay. If not, you and I could do something together like Friday night or something."
"Yeah maybe."
"I miss you so much. I'm so happy to hear your voice again. The house is so empty without you and Jamie," he said, crying again.
"I miss you too, but I still need a little time," I said looking down at my wedding ring. Everytime I looked at it since he told me I broke down crying, but not this time. This time I just looked at it. Maybe I didn't get upset because I was talking to him. I don't really know. "Listen baby, I gotta go. It's time to put Jamie to bed. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you, too. Goodnight."
"Wait. Will you please tell James I love him too for me? And give him a kiss and a hug for me."
"Of course I will."
"Thank you. I love you."
"Love you, too. Bye," I said hanging up the phone. I sat back down in the grass and set the phone down next to me. I stared out over the lake thinking about everything that had happened in the past few days. Living without Brian was very awkward. In our 4 year marriage we hadn't been separated for more then a week or two. We always did whatever we had to do to be sure that we were never apart from each other for too long, but now here I was trying hard to stay away from him. A few tears rolled down my face, but I wiped them away quickly.
"Here." I looked up and saw AJ standing above me and handing me a Kleenex. I took it from him and wiped the extra tears away that had escaped my eyes. He sat down next to me and looked out over the water. "Ya know, it's strange how things can change so quickly. I never thought in a million years that I would see the day when you and Brian voluntarily separated yourselves from each other."
"This wasn't voluntary at all, AJ. If I could--"
"Well who's making you separate then? If this isn't voluntary then why are you apart?"
"He fucked up."
"We all make mistakes. I know you have too. No one is perfect no matter who you are. I know Brian's a really great guy, I've seen the way he is to you and I admire him for it. He cares about you and loves you so much. He would never purposely hurt you. I was there that morning. He cried all day long. He was in the shower for about and hour trying as hard as he could to cleanse himself. I told him it wasn't a big deal and he needed to calm down, but he told me I didn't know what I was talking about. That it was a big deal. I didn't understand why he cared so much at first, but then I realized that he was so upset because he loves you more then he's loved anything in his life and he knew you'd be more then upset with him. That's also why he made us all swear on our lives that no one besides the five of us would ever know about it. He didn't want to see you upset. He would rather kill himself then be away from you and James for more then 24 hours. Brian's like the good guy, ya know? Kevin's the dad, Howie's the brother, Nick and I are the fuck up's and Brian's the good one. He sees things in a totally different way then the rest of us do. He realized the importance of life way before anyone else I know, and I know you and James are his life. You have to forgive him, the two of you are nothing without each other." By the time he finished, tears were rolling down my face. He was right. Inflicting such intense pain on myself and on him was just stupid, but I still couldn't shake the uneasy feeling in my stomach. "By the way, Jenn wants to talk to you in the living room," he said walking back up towards the house. I sat in the grass rocking myself back and forth, my knees up against my chest and my arms wrapped around my legs. It hurt me so much that he had cheated on me, but the pain from that was nothing compared to the emptiness I felt without him. I looked down at the ring on my finger and cried harder, hugging it close to my heart as I stood up and walked towards the house, remembering that Jenn wanted to talk to me. I walked in the back door, through the dining room and into the living room wiping my eyes with the back of my hand as I did. Instead of Jenn being there, I saw Brian. He was dressed in a blue long sleeved button down shirt with black pants and black shoes. I blinked my eyes to be sure I wasn't seeing things. I just stood there staring at him for a few seconds.
"Hi," he said, looking down. "I know you said you needed time, but I just had to see you once." I smiled a little at him and sat down on the couch. He walked over and was about to sit next to me, but instead sat on a chair next to the couch.
"Brian, AJ talked to me a lot and yeah, he made me feel a little better, but still. I'm just...I don't know. I love you with everything, but God I don't know," I said lowering my head and letting a few tears escape my eyes. "I'm so confused. I just don't know what to do anymore. My heart is telling me that I'm stupid and it's plain and simple that I should forgive you, but my mind is telling me to not even waste my time sitting here and talking to you about this."
"I know that nothing I have to say can make you trust me again, but you need to know that I will wait for you, no matter how long it takes for you to figure out what you want. I'll wait forever if I have to. I respect your decision to be apart for a while, but I can't stand not seeing you laying next to me in our bed, or hearing your voice tell me you love me, or feel your lips on mine. It's so hard."
"I know it is. Believe me, these last few days haven't been a picnic for me either."
"Then why are you staying away from me? I just want one more chance," he said through his tears. "We have James and another child on the way not to mention each other to take care of. The only thing that has stopped me from doing something completely stupid these past few days has been the hope that someday you'll come back to me."
"I...I...Don't you dare even talk like that Brian. Don't you dare. The two of us being apart in different neighborhoods is a hell of a lot different then you dead somewhere. You know I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to you. I can't believe you would even think that."
"But when your life walks out on you, what do you have left? Nothing. There's no reason for me if I don't have you and James."
"Jesus Brian, I'm not dead! I'm still here, I'm still your wife, I still love you and James is still your son and he still loves you. I just need to take a little time to figure all this shit out. Maybe this time apart is good anyway, now that we both know how much we live for the other."
"Time without you is not good no matter what."
"Brian, come over here." He stood up and sat next to me on the couch. I turned towards him and leaned my forehead against his with my hands resting on his shoulders. "Listen to me, ok?" He nodded slightly. "I love you with all of me no matter what and so does James. We're still a family and we all still love each other, we're just on hold for a little while."
"I know, baby, I know. I'm just so depressed."
"I know, so am I, but it's not like we're never going to see each other again, and it's okay for you to come over here and see me. In fact, I would like it if you did."
"But I thought time apart meant...time apart."
"Well yeah, but that doesn't mean we just completely can't see each other anymore. You're not just my husband, you're my best friend too so we can hang out and stuff. Just no intimate stuff for a while." He laughed a little. "There's that smile I love," I said smiling with him. I moved one hand up to the side of his face and wiped his tears away with my thumb, before leaning in towards his lips and kissing him softly. We pulled away and he smiled at me.
"That's all I need to get through this," he said. I smiled and kissed him again.
"There, now that should hold you over for at least a few days." He smiled and shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't know, we'll see," he said standing up. "I guess I'd better go." I nodded my head and stood up next to him. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. "I love you," he said into my ear.
"I love you too," I said into his. He pulled away and walked towards the door.
"So you coming to the movies tomorrow with James and I?" he asked turning around after he opened the door. I shrugged.
"We'll see," I said smiling at him. He nodded his head and looked down.
"You know, I really am sorry."
"I know you are Brian," I said softly walking towards him. I tilted my head so I could look into his eyes. He brought his face up, keeping his eyes locked onto mine. I leaned in and kissed him one last time. "I love you," I said as he walked out the door.
"I love you too," he said turning around and smiling. I smiled and shut the door. Once it was shut, I leaned up against it and cried.
-=Chapter Thirty Four=-
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