Learning How to Smile
Entry #9

February 15, 2001-

I swear someday I'm going to pop this stupid bubble I live in. Today we did some interview stuff. One word to decribe it: BORING. "Nick, are you single?" As far as you're concerned, yes. "Nick, what's your favorite color?" Yeah, I haven't answered that question 80 thousand other times. IT'S GREEN, OKAY? "Nick, boxers or briefs?" Here's a better question: why do you care? You're never going to see them anyway! "Nick, what would be your dream date?" You know what I'd like to say to that one? A nice long walk on the beach with my BOYFRIEND...yes, you heard me right...my BOYFRIEND. Jesus, I wish someday these "fan" people would grow up. I'm so sick of sneaking around with Dave. It's extremely frustrating. Why can't it just be accepted in America? It's the 21st Century damn it! Why is it always "Do you have a GIRLFRIEND?" Why can't it be "Are you involved?" Does it make me a bad person to have homosexual feelings? No. Should people dislike me because of it? No. But they do. Why? I'll never know. Aren't we supposed to love everyone? That's what it says in the Bible. God says to love everyone. There's no fine print. We should accept everyone into our hearts. Why is it then that close-mindedness is still so much a part of our lives? I would love to tell Brian all about my dates with Dave, but I can't. I hate it. I want to talk to someone about it, but who? AJ would tell the world; Kevin probably would laugh; Howie would just stare at me and not know what to say; and of course, Brian would probably scream biblical bullshit at me. He's not a close-minded person, and he accepts the things that the rest of us do and stuff, but I just think he'd be so mad at me. I have this terrible feeling about telling him. One of these days in an interview when they ask if I have a girlfriend, I'm just going to snap. It's never bothered me before, but thinking about it now from the other side of the tracks, it's just like "Why does it have to be like this? Why do Dave and I have to pretend to be friends and nothing more? Why can't it just be accepted?" I nearly broke down at the interview today when they asked why we weren't going out on tour yet. Kevin told them that I had the flu. Is that what they call it nowadays, Kev? I just wanted to scream. I'm seriously considering dropping the group and going to USF. I'm so fed up with everything. I just want to be me and I can't. I have to live up to these expectations set out before me. I thought when we got rid of Lou Pearlman we'd have more freedom in our decisions and stuff. I guess whether you have some psycho middle-aged balding guy breathing down your neck or not doesn't matter when it comes to our profession. When we are given more freedom, we begin to realize that we have the entire world breathing down our necks rather then just one guy. I wonder if I'm the only one in the group who feels like this. Ya know, Brian's my best friend and I love the guys and all, but it's really not what everyone thinks it is. If it's not someone's birthday, or if someone's not dying, we rarely talk. Then who do I have? Up until I met Dave, I had no one. My family's always with Aaron cause he's too young to be alone still, and I'm too old to have mommy holding my hand. I wish I was Aaron's age. I wish I could tell him to get out of the business while he still has the chance. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Kevin's always pushing us to relax and be ourselves in interviews, but that's kind of hard when I can't even be myself when I'm by myself. I wish I wouldn't have started in the business so young. I don't know myself. How am I ever going to get a chance to be at one with myself when we've always got cameras in our faces and microphones at our mouths? I'm looking out my window and I see the guy next door mowing his lawn. I can't even do that without causing mayhem. I have to have a service come and cut my lawn. I can barely walk outside without my next door neighbor's kids staring at me...occasionally running over with 15 of their closest friends and asking for autographs. I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THE MAIL LEAVE ME ALONE! People don't seem to grasp the concept that I am a normal person...I breath, eat, sleep...I do everything a normal person does. Why do people put me and the guys on this dumb platform? We don't deserve to be there. We're all flawed. No one is perfect. Not even Nick fucking Carter. When I first started out in this group, I really thought that I was "special" but I'm not. Any average Joe can at least make some kind of noise come out of the old wind pipes...what makes my noise so special? What would people do if they found out about Dave or found out about my having AIDS? Would our fans so quickly stop liking us? Would it lead to the eventual fall of the Backstreet Boys? Would I jeopardize the career of not only myself but of my 4 closest friends? I hate thinking about this crap, it just pisses me off. I'm sure by the end of the night I'll have decided to quit the group and then tomorrow I'll wake up and realize how stupid I am. This happens on average about 12 times a year--once a month. It's pathetic if you ask me. People would probably think that I was such a snob if they knew I felt like this, but they have no idea. I'd like to see some normal guy try to go through this everyday. I mean, this job isn't 100% horrible. It's awesome making people happy and touching people's lives and stuff, but I mean sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to make 5 million people happy when I'm not? I know it sounds selfish, but my parents always told me to think of Nick first. I mean, I am the one person I'm stuck with for the rest of my life so I'd better be happy, right? I can't think of Nick first though...not doing what I do. Knowing that I don't have much time left here has made me realize that I should care more about Nick and less about the people around me. I'll be with me until the end...other people come and go, but I'll be here. I need to make sure I'm happy before I can make other people happy. I'm going to tell the guys tomorrow that I'm not going to do anymore Backstreet stuff until I've figured everything out. I mean, I don't want to quit, but I need to sort through everything. My life came crumbling down around me not even a month ago and already people want us on tour. I'm sick of bitching. Peace.


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