Learning How to Smile
Entry #11
February 23, 2001-
I know I haven't done this in a while but oh man a lot of crap has happened. Brian's not talking to me. See, that night when I went over there, he was being really weird. Very standoffish. Finally I got sick of his weird looks and asked him straight-up what his deal was. I guess I should have known before the words even left his mouth. He knows about Dave. His exact words were "I heard you're playing for the other team." How fucking rude can you get there buddy? Why not just say "So I heard you're a flaming fag, is that true?" So anyway, the second he said that, my jaw dropped to the floor and I just stared at him in disbelief. His kind words didn't end there, though. As I tried to compose myself after the initial shock, he added "What, so now you have to be gay and have AIDS? You want to be a stereotypical AIDS patient is that it?" My shock turned into anger and I began yelling of course, since that's what I always do when I'm pissed. I swear I have the shortest temper in the universe. I don't really remember all of the exact words that we threw at each other, but I do remember slugging him in the jaw, then storming towards the door. Just before I left, I of course had to throw one more jab in there by saying "Fuck you, you homophobic bastard!" and slamming the door. I talked to Kevin the next day and he told me that he had no idea what the fight was about, but that I'd knocked out 2 of Brian's teeth and since I hit him so hard he fell to the ground and broke his arm too. I feel sort of bad, I mean I didn't mean to hurt him that bad, but I wanted him to feel the pain I was going through because of his evil slander. So, Brian's birthday came and went without an appearance at his party, a birthday card, or so much as a phone call from me. I don't plan on talking to him either. I know it may sound like I'm being stupid, but he had no right to say the things that he did. Those aren't the kind of words you use when talking to your "best friend." Best friend my ass. Aren't friends supposed to support you and help you through things? Yes. Was he there for me? Did he support me? Obviously freaking not. Why does everything have to suck at once? Why can't it suck periodically? Oh, so I haven't talked to Dave since the incident with Brian, either. Why? I really don't have an answer for that one. I guess it's because I know I'll end up telling him what happened, and he'll be crushed. He really thought Brian was cool, and he was. (Keyword: WAS.) I really don't see a way for Brian and I to ever move past this argument. If there is ever a beginning of the end to the group, it was that moment last week. He's hard headed and so am I. He thinks he's right, but he's not. He and the stick shoved up his ass can just stay the hell away from me. I don't have any time nor tolerance for close-minded bastards like him. Oh, I almost forgot! The story gets better. The day after Brian's birthday, I get a call from AJ. When's the last time he called me? Probably 2 weeks now. I knew what his call was about. Brian had gotten sloppy drunk and spilled the beans. AJ didn't know what to say when he called. He basically blabbed on and on about nothing for the first 20 minutes of the conversation before I finally got tired of skirting the issue and asked him what the real reason he called was. He finally meekly asked "Nick, is Dave your boyfriend?" to which I replied with a "Kind of. We're talking." I guess he didn't expect me to admit it or something cause he was silent for a few seconds before asking another question. "Is that what your fight with Brian was about?" Again, I answered yes. He told me about how mangled Brian's face is. He's got a huge bruise down the length of the right side of his jaw, his left arm is in a sling and he's missing 2 molars. He said that he has an appointment with the dentist in a few days to get fitted for some fake teeth. AJ couldn't believe that I sincerely didn't give a shit what I did to him, then I explained the whole agrument and AJ was pissed at Brian too. He was just as appalled as I am that Brian could act like that. Brian's the only guy in the group that I hadn't wanted to kill at one point during our career, now I want to see him in pain more then anything else in the world. I do know exactly what to say to get to him, but I'd rather not talk to him at all. Even if it is evil talk about Leighanne. So, I guess AJ's cool with it. He said that he's shocked because of my former self, but he's totally behind me 100% and he'll help me make Brian understand. It's good to know who your true friends are. He said that Kevin and Howie know too thanks to Brian and his big mouth. I asked him how he told everyone, and he told me I didn't want to know. I'm guessing it was something like "So did you hear Nick's a fag? Yeah, he's taking it up the ass." Which I'm not for reference sake. I know it sounds weird, but that just grosses me out even though I have a boyfriend. I guess someday it'll happen, but eww...I guess I'll be okay with it eventually but right now that...eww I don't want to think about it. I really can't believe that Brian's being such an asshole about this whole thing. I'd really like to break both his arms and maybe his legs as well. If he's like this to me, how would he react if his real brother or even himself all of a sudden had these foreign emotions? What would he do then? Well anyway, Kevin called me the next day. I guess maybe they drew straws to see what order they'd call in. Kevin said he talked to Brian, and he tried to knock some sense into him. I guess it didn't work cause Kevin didn't say anything about Brian being apologetic or anything which is shitty of him. Kev's totally cool with it, in fact he admitted to me that he'd had a same sex relationship once when he first moved to Florida. When he met Kristin, though, he realized that wasn't his thing. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone and I intend on keeping that promise, though I think that maybe if he told Brian, it would help a lot. That's okay though, I respect his decision. I didn't intend on anyone finding out either. He said we have some stupid ass interview with a dumb ass magazine (Teen) coming up in a few weeks. He said he hopes that I'll be there, but understands if I'm not feeling up to it. He wouldn't want to sit in a room with Brian either if he were me. Oh well, we'll see. It's not for a few weeks, so who knows what will happen by then. There's a lot more to this on-going saga but I'm tired. Peace.
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