Learning How to Smile
Entry #1
B>January 28, 2001- (Happy Birthday to me....not)
It's unbelievable. Just yesterday I was a normal 21-year-old guy...doing normal 21-year-old guy things. You know, parties, drinks, girls...the usual. Now my life is totally changed. Never will I be the same person as I was...and even if I do become that same person again, it won't be for very long. Sometimes you don't know what you're getting yourself into until the consequences of your actions are thrusted into your face. I never thought it would happen to me...and from what I've read, heard, and seen, nobody else does either. It was so perfect how it happened, too...so perfectly planned out. Planned out? I must be going crazy...it wasn't planned at all unless the devil had a part in this whole thing. It's hard enough with the burden of having to tell the people you love about this horrific event that has been taking place for, oh, about 4 years...but try telling millions and millions of girls who worship the ground you walk on and never think that you could do anything wrong. Boy, were they wrong. Sometimes I wish I'd never even joined the stupid group...none of this would have happened....but it did, and I have to deal with that. No one knows about this yet...well except for Dave. Damn, I almost forgot all about Dave...he's another monsterous change in my life right now...how will I tell my parents about him? Or the guys? Brian will freak out on me, I know he will. I feel like I'm on some game show. "Let's see just how much shit we can put Nick Carter through today!" I want to just crawl into a deep dark hole and never come back...let this stupid illness take it's course and kill my pathetic ass. I can't do that, though...maybe some time away would be good. I don't know what I'm going to do...I've been scared in my life, but the boogey man or the closet monster is nothing compared to the fear I have now. This fear is larger than life- no pun intended. I'm scared to sleep...hell, I'm scared to blink. I'm terrified that my eyes will never open again. The worst part about this whole thing is that I found out today...my birthday..."Happy Birthday, Nick...you're dying!" Doesn't sound like the best birthday present, does it? And even worse still, I've had this for 4 years, and I'm just finding out about it now?! You'd think someone would have figured this out sooner. These last 4 years would have been a hell of a lot different if I'd known. I can't live in the past, though...I made a huge mistake when I was 16 and now, at 21, I have to suffer the consequences. Modern medicine has given Americans in my generation the chance to live to 120...I'm lucky I made it to 21. I should just stop bitching, it's not going to get me anywhere, and I know that, but I mean, you try going to the doctor for some stupid test results from a dumb rash and finding out that you're HIV positive...and on your 21st birthday. I think the guys have something planned for me tonight, but something tells me that I'm not going to be very into partying. I pray to God they didn't hire a stripper or get a keg...I'd rather sit on the couch and watch American Beauty for the 500th time. I think everyone should have to see that movie...not for any specific reason, but I think it's good. I guess I should plan out what I'm going to say to my family and friends. How's this: "Hey! What's up? How are you? Oh, by the way, I'm attracted to a guy and I'm dying." Hmm...maybe it's a little too depressing...everyone's gonna freak out about Dave. Maybe I should clear up any confusion you may have about Dave. I met Dave at the hospital today in the waiting room. He was the only other person in there at the same time as me. Out of boredum I started talking to him. (He was reading the December 2000 issue of Teen People with me and the guys on the cover. I felt obligated to say hi.) I'd been in that stupid waiting room for what felt like 16 years, but in reality was only about an hour. So anyway, we started talking and he recognized me. He made fun of the funky ass clothes we were told to wear. As always, mine weren't as bad as the rest of the guys. He told me he had our CD's, but wasn't ready to come out of the Backstreet closet. He was a funny dude, I definitely thought he was someone I could chill with...check out chicks with...you know, normal stupid guy stuff. He got called into the dungeon, but promised he'd wait for me to be done so we could go hang out for a while before he had to go to work. Soon after he went to get the verdict from his doctor, the nurse called my name. What was about to happen had never crossed my mind. The doctor told me I was HIV positive and had been for approximately 4 years. He asked if I had any idea who I could have contracted the virus from. Yeah right, I've only been with about a million girls since I was 16. I'm pretty sure I know who it is now...but right at that moment, I didn't really give a shit about the health of some chick I'd been with 4 years ago. If my speculations are correct, it was this girl Gabriella Hoffman that I'd had a very brief relationship with. I met her in England, I think...or maybe I'm thinking of someone else. Anyway, we were in England or wherever for a few weeks and I met her at this club. (I know, I know...I was 16, I couldn't get into clubs...but I was 16 with a famous face and a fake ID.) Back then, I wanted to be exactly like my "older brothers." I wanted to be as old as and as cool as them. I saw Brian and his girlfriend kissing, and Kevin talking to some girl. Howie was without a doubt on the dance floor getting his groove on, and AJ was probably already back at the hotel with someone. So, I decided I was gonna be cool like them...meet a girl...sleep with her...and that would be it. Of course the fact that I was only 16 didn't mean shit to me...or the fact that I had no idea what I was even doing. You guessed it, I was still a virgin. So I take my little virgin self over to the bar and with my trusty fake ID, which declared I was 22, bought myself a drink. For some reason, I assumed that girls would just come up to me...about 5 hours later, I was beyond drunk and still a virgin. I could barely sit on the bar stool I was so looped. That's when Gabriella made a daring leap into the scene. She was 24. Looking back on it, I was a dumb little shit. A 24-year-old and a 16-year-old? Jail bait much? If I had been completely sober, I probably would have told her my real age and she would have left...unfortunately I showed her my ID at her request and she grinned...I will never forget that stupid grin. I don't remember where or how, but the next thing I knew we were having sex. Pretty shitty first time, huh? That's why I pretended like it never happened. I thought that if I kept telling people I was a virgin, maybe it would come true and I wouldn't feel so gross. Little did I know that 4 years later I could still feel so disgusting...even more so now knowing my current condition. So, back to Dave...when I came out of the doctor's office...stunned, shocked, humiliated, scared, and about to shit my pants...Dave was sitting in the same place he had been before he went in, tears streaming down his face. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he'd also been diagnosed with HIV. It still hadn't hit me at that point, so I just sat next to him and let him cry on my shoulder. A few minutes later, I told him my synonymous news. I think it comforted him knowing that there was someone else going through the same thing as him and to tell you the truth, it was comforting to me too. We left the hospital together and came back to my house and talked and talked and talked. I've never had any sort of homosexual feelings...at least I don't think I have...but there's just something about him that makes me feel safe and secure. Maybe it's the fact that we both understand each other. He's 21, I'm 21...he has HIV, I have HIV...he was infected by a girl a few years ago, and so was I....the list goes on. We have a lot in common, and I am extremely attracted to him. Does that make me a weirdo? I don't know...if you would have asked me yesterday if I ever thought I'd have feelings for another guy, I would have been disgusted. He told me he wasn't gay, and had never had feelings like the ones he had when he looked at me...and as I already said, I felt the same way. We decided to hang out and just see what happens. We're both open-minded to the possibility, but neither of us are ready right now to jump into something so crazy. I mean, just last night I was with some girl...hell, I don't even remember her name. That's great isn't it? Well, that's how my life's been for the past...well since I hooked up with Gabriella. Being a teenaged kid in the midst of screaming girls taking their clothes off to show "Nick" written across their tits isn't exactly the most wholesome environment in the world. It kinda fucks with your head after a while. My whole view on the female race has changed so much since I was 16. At first it was Gabriella...I only got with her to be cool...not a good reason. Then, it was just a few girls...and only a few times. Something happened though, as the tours got longer and I got older. Hormones, I guess. It got to the point where, like I said, I'd get with a new girl every night, sometimes never even catching their names. It's weird how just yesterday I thought that was okay...that was normal. Now, I'm disgusted with myself. No girl deserves to be treated the way I treat them. Maybe I can talk to AJ about my new found insight and change his ways. Lately he and I have been hanging out a lot...finding girls, drinking, whatever. I hope maybe I can open his eyes to what we've been doing. I've been careful with the whole safe sex thing...I pray that I haven't infected all those girls that I've been with. I would feel horrible. It's one thing knowing that you have it, but it's a completely different thing knowing that you could have risked...damn...I don't even know how many girls I've been with. That's sad. Oh well. I guess I'm gonna fly...the guys will probably be dropping by soon and I still have to clean my damn house. (Besides that, I'm sure this entry is way too depressing already.) I'll let you know how it goes with the guys tomorrow. Peace.
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