Lyrics from “6, 8, 12” by Brian McKnight
~*Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
In the middle of the night when you awake
Are you calling out for me?
Do you ever reminisce?
I can't believe I'm acting like this
I know it's crazy
How I still can feel your kiss*~
Nick sat numbly staring out the window of the tour bus at the passing trees and buildings. He had never felt so alone in his life...never felt as much pain as he felt at that moment. No one knew how he ached inside...how whenever he was smiling, inwardly he was screaming at the top of his lungs. How could she have left him? How could she so suddenly fall out of love like that? How could she walk out on him, leaving him with nothing but broken memories and painful regrets. He sighed, fighting back the tears. For slightly over 6 months now he had been pining over her...lusting for her...wishing for her...thinking about her. He could barely handle not being near her anymore and thoughts of suicide filled his clouded mind as they had so many times before. He could still feel her body next to his own...still feel her soft lips on his. The guys knew well enough by now not to bother Nick on nights like these when he would storm to the back of the bus, slam the door and sit with his head against the window staring out at nothing...watching the world pass him by. The guys, who were trying as hard as they could to fall asleep in their bunks towards the front of the bus knew exactly why tonight was even harder on Nick then usual.
---Flashback to interview earlier that day---
"Now, if you don't mind, guys, I'd like to ask you a series of personal questions. You can deny to answer them if you want to, believe me I won't be offended, but these are just some questions that I think our readers would be interested to know," said the interviewer, looking down briefly at the clipboard that she had been scribbling notes on for the past half hour of the interview. "Ready?" she asked. They all nodded in unison. "Alright. First of all, is there any member of the group that would ever pose for Playgirl?" She watched as Brian's face turned bright red from embarrassment. AJ smirked and gave her a slight nod. "So Mr. McLean would," she said scribbling more notes onto her clipboard. The rest of the guys looked at him with their mouths hanging open.
"What? I mean, I wouldn't just up and rip my clothes off, but if it was for a good cause or something, hell yeah I'd do it. There's some sense of power knowing that a million girls lust over you," said AJ smiling widely.
"Oh like a million girls don't lust over us as it is," said Nick, laughing lightly...praying to God he was fooling the interviewer into believing everything was fine with him. The last thing he needed was to get attacked with questions about his personal problems. As luck would have it, no one had heard him anyway, so he didn't even have to worry about it.
"Alright any of the rest of you willing to bare all for your favorite charity?" asked the woman. Kevin nodded his head slightly.
"I think I would. I mean, like AJ said, it's for a good cause."
"Yeah, but it's also pretty degrading and disgusting," said Brian, looking at Kevin as if he was the scum of the earth. Kevin shrugged his shoulders and looked away from Brian. The interviewer was frantically writing down notes.
"Ok, anyone else have anything to add?" No one said a word. "Let's move on then. How about that age old question...Anyone have girlfriends?" Nick's heart dropped to the floor...he knew the question would be asked, but he hated being the only one to respond with a no answer...and he hated being reminded of it. "We all know that Brian, AJ, and Nick do...that's publicized like there's no tomorrow. Are you three still with the same girls?" she asked getting her pen ready to write. Nick's heart twisted in his chest...Brian and AJ looked sympathetically at Nick, then back at the interviewer who was rummaging through some papers. "In fact..." she said pulling out a typed up copy of random Nick facts she had received on websites and things "...isn't today your 3 year anniversary, Nick?" Nick was about to get up and walk out of the interview...he wasn't prepared for that one. She looked up at Nick expectantly.
"I...uh...I..." he said softly, looking down at his hands. "It would have been...."
"Excuse me?" the woman asked. He looked over at Brian, begging for help with his eyes.
"Nick's having a hard time right now, just know that he's single and let's move on," said Brian. Nick thanked him silently. The interviewer looked sympathetically at Nick, then looked back to Brian, waiting for his response. "Yes, I'm still with Jessica."
"Do I hear wedding bells?" Brian's face lit up at the thought of it, but then changed his response to a shrug.
"Not as of right now, but hopefully someday," he said smiling brightly. Nick's heart ached...he felt like he might pass out. He wasn't sure if he could handle AJ openly talking about Jenn, his fiancée.
"I need to go. I don't feel well," said Nick standing up. Their manager looked at him sternly. "I'm sorry, I just can't handle it right now," he said and walked out the door. Their manager looked at the interviewer who was stunned, then he walked out the door after Nick.
"Nick! Wait up!" he said jogging up next to him. Nick stopped. He knew he was in for it now. "Nick, you have a responsibility that you need to take care of. Look, I'm sorry that you're having personal issues beyond anyone's control, but unless you're puking up blood or have a bullet in your head, I suggest you get back in that office and finish the God damn interview."
"I put up with a lot of shit, sir, but I will NOT sit in a room with the rest of the fellas listening to them go on about how perfect their lives are. I need some fresh air and a nap," said Nick turning and walking out the back door of the building to where the bus was parked. He got on and stormed to the back of the bus, slamming the door behind him.
---Present---
Nick shook his head, trying to rid himself of the thoughts running through his mind. Thoughts that scared him tremendously...thoughts of death...of suicide...a way to escape all the pain she had put him through...a way to end all the sleepless nights spent thinking about where he went wrong...why she left him.
~*It's been 6 months, 8 days, 12 hours
since you went away
I miss you so much
and I don't know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better
But it's just not the case
It's been 6 months, 8 days, 12 hours
Since you went away*~
He knew he should have moved on by now...knew he shouldn't be dwelling on a dream that would never come true...a dream of her in his arms again, forever...the way he thought...he knew that it should be. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he remembered how it had all ended...
---Flashback---
"Nick, come on...I really need to talk to you, please stop fooling around," said Simone taking Nick's hands in her own. He saw the look in her eyes and knew that now wasn't the time to be silly. It was time to be serious...a thing he had never been used to in their relationship.
"Alright, what's up?" he asked facing her on the bed that they had shared for the past 2 and a half years.
"We need to talk..." Nick nodded.
"Alright baby, let's talk. What do you want to talk about?" he asked smiling widely. Just being near her was enough to make him want to get up and scream out how much he loved her.
"About us..."
"One of my very favorite subjects," he said joking with her.
"That's what we need to talk about."
"What? Us being one of my favorite subjects?"
"No Nick, you and you're maturity level. You always have to make a joke about everything and it's really irritating me. Nick...I...I don't know...how...to," she stared into his eyes and broke down in tears. He looked at her confused then wrapped his arms around her, rocking her slowly.
"Shh shh baby, Nicky's here...it's ok." She sat up suddenly, pushing his arms off of her.
"No, Nick...it's not ok. I...what I've been wanting to tell you for the last two weeks is....I can't do this anymore."
"Can't do what?"
"This," she said gesturing to the two of them. "I can't do it anymore...Nick, I don't..." she broke down crying again, but forced her words out of her mouth "I don't...love you anymore," she screamed through her tears. Nick looked at her shocked by her words.
"Please start laughing baby...please yell April Fools'," he said as tears began to fall from his eyes..he knew exactly what was happening...and knew that she wasn't kidding...but he didn't...couldn't believe it...didn't want to believe it. Simone looked at him sadly, all of a sudden the tears stopped coming from her eyes and she realized...she was crying because she was hurting him...she wasn't crying for herself...she was crying in sympathy for him.
"I'm sorry, Nick, but I can't. I...I realized the other night when we were making love...there's nothing there anymore. I feel nothing at all like I did before. The way I used to feel when I watched you on stage, singing your heart out...watching you dance around...hearing you sing in the shower...hearing you tell me how much you love me. Now, though...now there's nothing. When you tell me you love me, and I say it in return...I say it because I know that's what you need to and want to hear...not because it's true...well, for the past 6 months at least."
"SIX MONTHS?" he yelled, dropping his head into his hands. His body shook uncontrollably. Simone stood up and looked down at him.
"I'm sorry, Nick, I really am...I wish I could tell you that I still love you, but I don't. I don't want to lie to you anymore...it's not fair to you." She leaned down and brushed his hair off of his forehead then kissed him softly. She then turned and walked towards the door...looking one last time at the room that would no longer be theirs...
---Present---
Nick's body shook. He hated how he could still see the day so vividly in his mind...how every little detail was permanently inscribed in his mind...How whenever he closed his eyes, he could see her closing the door as she walked out of his life for good...never looking back.
~*Do you ever ask about me?
Do your friends still tell you what to do?
Every time the phone rings
Do you wish it was me calling you?
Do you still feel the same
Or has time put out the flame?
I miss you
Is everything OK?*~
He wondered if she even remembered his name. If she saw him on the street whether she would know it was him or not. He hated not being sure of that fact...he hated being so unsure all the time. He wondered if she ever found herself wishing he was with her...wondered if she was going through as much pain as he was. He knew that she most likely had moved on...but he didn't like to think about that. He wondered if she ever caught herself silently hoping that he would show back up in her life unannounced. He wondered what she was doing...hoping she was happy wherever she was. Nick looked at the reflection of his tear stricken face on the window of the bus and sighed. Why did it have to hurt so much? Why couldn't he just let go of love like she had? Why couldn't he just give up? 'Maybe I can,' he thought, standing up and walking towards the bathroom. 'Maybe I can make it all go away. There is a way out Carter,' he said to himself as he walked into the bathroom and flicked on the light, closing the door behind him. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. 'Look at yourself. You're so pitiful...so sad...so stupid. Just give up already, dammit. Give in to temptation.' He wasn't crying anymore...somehow his mind became clear as he reached in the medicine cabinet and reached for Brian's heart medication. He looked at the bottle resting in the palm of his hand. It would be so easy now. Everyone was asleep...no one to try to stop him...no one to try to talk him out of it...
"No one," he said out loud as he popped open the top, letting it fall against the floor. He began seeing everything in slow motion as he emptied the contents of the small bottle into his hand, letting the bottle fall to the ground also. He counted the pills, wondering how many it would take to kill him...not really caring at this point. He set the pills down on the counter and took them one by one, placing them on his tongue and gulping them down...not caring about anything at that point but escaping...escaping the pain...the loss...the loneliness...the memories...the feel of her lips...but most of all, escaping reality...a place that he wasn't ready to go.
~*It's hard enough just passing the time
When I can't seem to get you off my mind
And where is the good in good-bye?
Tell me why, Tell me why*~
-=Story Index=-
-=Back to BoNe RoKin' KaoS=-