DARK MATCHES 

“Little” Joey Average vs. “All American” Ric Johnson:

These two gave the thirty people that had arrived at the building already as good of a show that two slow slugging men could give. Neither one proved the better and neither one came out on top. The highlight of the match was when the two men went brawling outside the ring and the ref reached the ten count.

Winner: Double Count-Out

ANJEL vs. Kia Storm 

This match was a one-sided beating. ANJEL came in with an arsenal of moves including the top rope guillotine leg drop, a flying head scissors choking submission, a flying elbow drop, and moonsaults galore. All in all, ANJEL proved to be devastating. Kia was taken to the hospital for severe head injuries from a dropkick while in the tree of woe from ANJEL.

Winner: ANJEL

(The show begins with the same segment it has since it began. The camera pans around the screaming fans in the EWA Arena. Some signs in the crowd include: “WHO RAN OUT OF ANGLES? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MYSTERY PEOPLE?”, “I’VE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH HAIR SINCE MY CAT HAD SEX WITH MY DOG, GO BACK TO ITALY!”, and “ZANE ALEXANDER IS MY HERO.” The camera cuts to the three announcers.)

Peter Vexnor: Welcome to EWA’s Body Count, live from the EWA Arena in St. Louis, Missouri. I’m Peter Vexnor with Dustin Larson and Shaden Rose and boy do we have a great show tonight!

Dustin Larson: It’s so good we tacked on one more God awful match for the fans.

Shaden Rose: Shut up, Dustin. Tonight, we boast seven spectacular matches. From top to bottom we have amazing matches!

Peter Vexnor: That’s right, from open to close there is excitement.

Shaden Rose: In our first match, we have Kendall Rhodes taking on the seasoned veteran of Chad Crase.

Dustin Larson: There’s nothing funnier than a hick fight, I’ll give you that. But, still, this is a no contest. Chad Crase is an amazing wrestler. I’ve remember commentating for him during the ACW days. He’s going to win, guaranteed.

Peter Vexnor: There are no real guarantees tonight, Dustin.

Dustin Larson: What are you talking about? I can predict the winners of all the matches, they’re so painfully obvious.

Shaden Rose: Alright, who wins between “The Fabulous” Nate Giovanni and Axel Action?

Dustin Larson: Oh, are you kidding me? Considering that Giovanni IS a wrestler and Axel is only PRETENDING? Nate Giovanni is going to wipe the floor with Axel. I mean, Giovanni is going to need something to clean the blood up with.

Shaden Rose: How about Step Back vs. Biggs-N-Karl?

Dustin Larson: How about this: who cares? I don’t really know. I think that Biggs-N-Karl are some pretty funny guys but they seem easily intimidated and Step Back is kind of intimidating.

Peter Vexnor: Well, no one will be able to predict the winner of The Samoan Warrior vs. The Mystery Teaser Man match. We have yet to actually see this teaser man in action, so it will be close.

Dustin Larson: For the love of God, I hope the teaser man wins in 3 seconds so that I don’t have to see The Samoan Warrior for any longer than that.

Shaden Rose: Well, after that, we have some tag team action that will be the beginning, and possibly the end, of Sisterhood of Chaos’s careers.

Peter Vexnor: I wouldn’t want to have to have my first match against the EoD, especially in a non-title match.

Shaden Rose: Don’t forget that it’s no DQ.

Dustin Larson: That’ll at least make it interesting. What I want to know is why Mysty Wylde chose the EoD for the Sisterhood to face. I mean, there are tougher guys out there that she could have paired into a tag team.

Shaden Rose: It does raise the question of whether or not the EoD are in the back pocket of the front office, but more importantly, I’m sure, to Shadowflare and MD is who this mystery man is.

Dustin Larson: Well, we’ll find out Sunday when he loses to Shadowflare.

Peter Vexnor: The next match pits two new EWA stars against one another. Of course, Dustin and I know of one of them.

Dustin Larson: Oh, hell yeah! One of the best tag team champions of the ACW, “The Outlaw” Doc Tombstone. I hope Justin Case gets his ass beat.

Shaden Rose: Well, I know of Justin. I’ve seen him in a few federations that I’ve worked at, and let me tell you, he is no push back.

Peter Vexnor: Well, two men that we know aren’t push backs will be pitting off against one another in tonight’s main event.

Shaden Rose: With the Television title on the line, we’ll see the “Pied Piper” Kurt Visconty take on a rising EWA star, Zane Alexander.

Dustin Larson: That Zane guy may be up and coming, but he’s no Pied Piper, I mean Pied has ring smarts, Pied has experience, he’s the real deal. And, when the title is on the line, the champion fights just that much harder.

Shaden Rose: Yeah, but when the title’s on the line, the opposition tries that much harder.

Peter Vexnor: Shaden has a great point. But, it’s time to get to our first match, ladies and gentlemen, right after these commercials!

(The show cuts to commercials. We see commercials for Banana Boat Aloe Vera Gel, Pepsi, Gateway, and Gatorade.)

Dustin Larson: We’re back and it’s time for Mark Scott to do his thing.

(Mark Scott is in the ring.)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is a single fall match and I have proclaimed it the King of Hicks match. Introducing first, weighing in at 218 pounds and hailing from Columbia, Mississippi: KENDALL RHODES!

("Head is in Mississippi" by ZZ Top plays over the PA as Kendall steps out onto the ramp. Zane Alexander walks out behind him and the two make there to the ring as blue and red pyros go off behind them . The fans are cheering as the two wrestlers give them high five's on the way to the ring. Once ringside, Zane finds a chair to sit in at ringside as Kendall enters the ring.)

Mark Scott: And, his opponent, weighing in at 280 pounds and hailing from this town, ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI: CHAD CRASE

(“Smooth Criminal” by Alien Ant Farm plays as Chad Crase steps out to an awakening of fans. They cheer almost as loudly as you’d expect Rocky Miavia to get. Everyone is happy to see the hometown favorite. He holds his hands up in the air, soaking in all the cheers, as he walks down the ramp way. Orange pyros shoot off from the platform once Chad reaches the ground. He slowly walks, pointing at Kendall and yelling at him. Kendall yells back and it’s on. Chad runs down to the ring and slides in.)

Peter Vexnor: Here we go! Time to pop the cork on this…

Dustin Larson: (Cutting Peter off) … KEGGGGGER!

(Chad stands up and ducks a clothesline from Kendall. He turns around and tries a lariat, but Kendall ducks. Both turn around and stop. Kendall holds out his hand, a sign for a tie up. Chad accepts and they tie one hand up. They both reach their second hand out to tie up, but Chad kicks Kendall in the stomach. Chad grabs Kendall’s other hand and hits a suplex like that. It looks painful.)

Dustin Larson: There are those ring smarts I was telling you about. He didn’t waste time trying to get closer to Kendall for a suplex, he just suplexed him like that.

Peter Vexnor: Truly quick thinking on the part of Chad.

Dustin Larson: That’s a rarity for Chad, you know?

Shaden Rose: What?

Dustin Larson: Quick thinking.

(Chad Crase gets up and starts pounding at Kendall with his legs. Kicks to the midsection keep Kendall down. Crase picks Kendall up and hits a drop toe hold. Chad rolls over top Kendall and puts him in a Cobra Clutch. Kendall starts screaming in pain. Chad pulls back and Kendall screams louder.)

Peter Vexnor: The Cobra Clutch is one of the most notorious submissions for being very difficult to get out of.

Dustin Larson: All I really know is that he’s sitting down on Kendall’s butt while yanking back on his neck with a thrusting motion and screaming…

Shaden Rose: You getting a visual there?

Dustin Larson: I’m not gay!

(Back in the ring, Kendall is all but dead. Aaron Glasky checks Kendall’s hand for the count: one, two, thr… Kendall’s hand stays up! Crase lets the hold go after an agonizingly slow 45 seconds. Crase gets up and picks Kendall up. He whips Kendall into the ropes. Much to Chad’s surprise, however, Kendall comes bounding back off the ropes with a flying clothesline. Both men go down. For a few seconds, Kendall struggles to stand up, still a little out of it. When he regains it, he picks Chad up. Kendall whips Chad into the ropes. When Chad comes bounding off the ropes, Kendall dropkicks him at the knees, sending Chad sailing over Kendall. Kendall is quick to get up and starts stomping at Chad’s knees.)

Shaden Rose: I think Chad Crase may have underestimated his opponent here, tonight. Kendall Rhodes definitely came into this match with a game plan, that’s for sure.

Dustin Larson: Just remember, Chad Crase has learned a lot of valuable lessons in life. Like, never listen to Dakota, he’s a liar, and, his name sounds like a hooker’s.

Peter Vexnor: My long-time announcing partner is, of course, referring to the ACW feud that involved little brothers against big brothers.

Dustin Larson: Yeah, good times. Oh, yeah, forgot. There’s a match going on.

(Kendall now has Chad in a figure four leg lock, keeping pressure on those knees. For 22 seconds Kendall has the move on until Chad can finally inch close enough to the ropes, forcing Glasky to break the hold. Kendall gets up and grabs Chad by the hair. Kendall picks Chad up but Chad punches him a few times in the stomach. Kendall stumbles back and Chad, using his weight advantage, whips himself into the ropes and comes bounding off with a shoulder block. This does not keep Kendall down, however. Kendall is up only to receive a lariat that causes him to flip head over heels.)

Peter Vexnor: Chad Crase is definitely using his size in this match to take advantage of the smaller, weaker Kendall Rhodes.

Dustin Larson: So, you’re saying Chad Crase is a big man, huh?

Peter Vexnor: That’s exactly what I’m saying.

Dustin Larson: That’s just filthy.

Peter Vexnor: NOT LIKE THAT!

(Chad picks Kendall up and hits a few bionic elbows to the back of Kendall’s skull. Chad lifts Kendall’s head to punch him in the face but Kendall stops Chad’s fist and spins Chad around. Kendall kicks Chad in the back of the knees, forcing Chad into a kneeling position. He then kneels down on Chad’s calves and pulls back on his head. Chad screams in pain and flails his arms around wildly.)

Peter Vexnor: Well, there’s something new.

Dustin Larson: What the hell is that?

Shaden Rose: Whatever it is called, it has to be a great strain on the back… to have it arched backwards like that, it’s not fun.

Dustin Larson: You’d know. What is it, again? Eight hours on your back for seven days straight to get this job?

Shaden Rose: Hey, shut up. I beat out thousands of female announcers to get this job.

Dustin Larson: I’m sorry? What was that? Eat? Lesbian.

(You hear Chad give out one scream of pain before he reaches his head behind his back, clutching Kendall’s head and trying to lift the beast like that. It doesn’t work and Chad goes limp. Kendall let’s the hold go and picks Chad up. He walks Chad over to the turnbuckle, getting the fans to cheer his as he does, and executes a Tornado DDT. Kendall goes for the pin while Glasky counts: one, two, thr… kickout!)

Peter Vexnor: One thing that I’ve learned about Chad Crase from my years of watching him is that rarely gives up if he doesn’t have to.

Dustin Larson: Yeah, Chad is always working himself to the bone. That’s partly why he ran into problems with alcohol and pain killers when he blew his knee out earlier in his career.

Shaden Rose: The question is, though, can he ever really reach his full potential now that drugs hampered the first part of his career?

(Kendall picks Chad up. Chad punches Kendall three times in the stomach. This keeps Kendall temporarily stunned while Chad kicks Kendall in the face. Kendall goes flailing backwards, into the ring ropes. Chad runs at him and clotheslines him over the top rope. Chad goes through the middle two rings and executes an elbow drop on Kendall. Chad picks Kendall up and whips him into the turnbuckle, slamming Kendall’s shoulder into it hard. Chad waits for Kendall to get up as he climbs to the top rope.)

Dustin Larson: It isn’t often that Chad Crase pulls off a high flying move, he’s a brawler. I love it because he usually messes up!

(Kendall is up, with his back to the wrestler that is Chad Crase. Kendall wearily turns around just as Chad leaps off for a flying lariat. However, Kendall is quick enough to grab Crase’s arm in mid-flight and use his momentum to send Crase flying into the announcers’ table.)

Dustin Larson: I hate this. Wrestlers are so big on themselves. They have an area to wrestle in that is way bigger than our area for announcing yet they feel like they need to invade our space.

(Glasky has reached an eight count. Kendall rolls in the ring and rolls back out to restart the count. He goes back to Crase and walks him over to the ring steps. He walks to the top step and has Crase’s feet on the lower step. He puts Crase in between his legs and pulls his arms up, ready to execute the Pedigree. Kendall tries once but Chad blocks it. Kendall tries again, and again, blocked. Kendall tries a third time but Chad is able to regain enough strength to hit a back body drop on Kendall. Kendall nearly clears the stairs, but not quite. His head makes a nasty thud sound when it bounces off the bottom step.)

Shaden Rose: Oh my God! I think that move inflicted more pain that Chad expected to dish out!

Dustin Larson: Guaranteed Kendall will be backstage later tonight mixing alcohol and pain killers to get rid of that migraine. Cowboys are always like that.

Peter Vexnor: The is a racist comment.

Dustin Larson: They’re not a race, retard. They just want to be. Bunch a gay pudding eaters.

Shaden Rose: Is that a fantasy?

Dustin Larson: Shut up.

(Back in the ring, Chad picks Kendall up, who’s head has been busted open in the back. Chad rolls Kendall back in at the 8 count and then also roll back in. Chad stands up and whips Kendall into the ropes. When Kendall comes back he lands a hard right to Chad’s face. Kendall sets him up for the Bronco Buster. He almost executes it when Chad lands a few elbows to the side of Kendall’s head. Chad turns around, puts Kendall up underneath his armpit, lifts him up for a vertical suplex and hits the Chad-Plex. The amazement the crowd has for that move is beyond phenomenal as they all get to their feet and chant Chad while Crase goes for the pin. Glasky counts as Chad pulls Kendall’s tights: one, two, three!) 

WINNER: CHAD CRASE IN 6:34

Peter Vexnor: That just goes to show you how quickly the landscape of a match can change. Chad had the upper hand, then lost it, and got it back again.

Dustin Larson: Sounds a lot like Chad’s roller coaster career, but I wish him all the luck in the world.

Shaden Rose: Crase is definitely on the right path to success and the TV Title with that win.

Peter Vexnor: I truly respect Crase. He’s a great man. But if he was assured he was going to win, why did he need to pull the tights?

Dustin Larson: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Peter. Chad was just trying to help Kendall keep his pants up, they were falling off.

Shaden Rose: That’s probably the most inventive answer I’ve ever heard.

Dustin Larson: It’s not inventive. It’s true. Kendall’s pants were falling off. I swear to God.

Peter Vexnor: So, you were watching his pants fairly closely then? Were you staring at his butt, Dustin?

Dustin Larson: Hey, let’s not get into that crap again. I no Fugazi Ju-Jit Su Nama Taki, that’s, like, super hard karate that will break your tibias.

Shaden Rose: Repeat what you just said, please.

Dustin Larson: … … Don’t wanna…

(Show cuts to commercial. We see commercials for the St. Louis Warped Tour, Scary Movie 2, Speed Stick, and Gatorade.)

Peter Vexnor: We’re back and we’re ready to rock. Let’s get to our next…

Shaden Rose: Wait, wait. There’s something going on backstage.

(We see Shadowflare’s back from a camera that is hiding behind a corner, making it seem eerie. The camera doesn’t look like a professional one. Another camera shows that Shadowflare’s Shadow, in full gear with his trench coat and all, is recording Shadowflare. Shadowflare’s Shadow closes up the camcorder that he is holding and puts in his pocket. He pulls out the voice changer machine and walks out from the corner.)

Mystery Man: Shadowflare!

(Shadowflare turns around. He’s stunned for a second but then turns around and runs. The Mystery Man gives chance. Shadowflare turns a corner and the man turns with him. Shadowflare has run into a dead end. There is a door, but it’s locked.)

Mystery Man: Don’t you know that it isn’t smart to run from a man with a weapon?

(Shadowflare gets in a fighting stance as the Mystery Man slides a crowbar from his trench coat. The man runs at Shadowflare. Shadowflare tries kicking him, but the man holds up the crowbar, making him kick that instead. Shadowflare grabs his leg in pain as the Mystery Man clubs him in the back of the other leg. Shadowflare falls on his back and the Mystery Man picks him up, over his head, hitting another rib breaker on Shadowflare. From out of nowhere, the Mystery Teaser Man comes running up behind the Shadowflare’s Shadow with a baseball bat. Shad’s Shadow hasn’t even gotten a chance to turn around when MTM clubs him in the back with the bat. Shad’s Shadow clutches his back in pain as he falls to his knees and then his back. MTM helps Shadowflare up. Shadowflare is a little dazed but he realizes what’s going on. He kicks his Shadow in the stomach and extends his hand to MTM. The camera angle changes to being behind Shadowflare. You see MTM take a full, baseball player-style swing at Shadowflare’s head. Blood sprays against the wall as Shadowflare’s head is violently slammed to one side. The bat clinks against the cement wall. MTM runs off, dropping the bat. You, the wrestling fan, know that the following was very well choreographed and faked. No, Shadowflare wasn’t really hit with a bat. The wrestlers did the same thing movies do when there are fight scenes.)

Shaden Rose: OH MY GOD! Shadowflare has to be unconscious!

Dustin Larson: He should have unmasked his Shadow when he had the chance, the dumb ass.

Peter Vexnor: What about the Mystery Teaser Man? He just attacked Shadowflare’s Shadow!

Dustin Larson: I love it. Where else but the EWA can you have two mystery men feud?

Shaden Rose: A better question is when and where would you ever want to see two guys that you have no clue who they are fight?

Peter Vexnor and 

Dustin Larson: NEVER!!!

Shaden Rose: That’s right, but let’s get to our next match so that we can keep this show going.

(Mark Scott is in the ring.)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, he following match up is going to be a landslide victory and it is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at 220 pounds and hailing from Miami, Florida: “THE FABULOUS” NATE GIOVANNA!

("Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin begins to play, and a "Superman" Type Logo appears on the Extreme-O-Tron. The logo flashes, and then the words "The Fabulous Era has Begun" appears. The lights flicker off of a disco ball, and then sparks fly from the stage, as "The Fabulous" Nate Giovanni strolls out from under the screen. He is wearing a purple, silk shirt, and a pair of Zebra striped pants. He is wearing a pair of Gargoyle sunglasses, and he gives a quick spin, and then blows a kiss to crowd. He raises his hands in the air, and then receives a cascade of boos as he motions for the crowd to give him more. He makes it to ringside, and tosses off his shirt, revealing a black and white singlet that is under the Zebra pants. He gets up on the apron, and flips over the top rope into the ring. He gives a few dance steps, then leans back in the corner.)

Mark Scott: And his opponent, hailing… it doesn’t really matter, so I won’t bother: AXEL ACTION!

(Goldust’s old music begins playing over the sound system. Axel wastes no time as he comes bursting out from back. The fans cheer his as he hauls ass down the ramp way. His manager, Ashley Valentine, makes her way out in a beautiful, white dress. Axel slides into the ring to a fury of stomping boots from Nate.)

Peter Vexnor: And we’re on.

Dustin Larson: I’ve never seen anyone as eager to get his ass kicked as Axel Action.

(Nate picks Axel up and whips him into the ropes. He follows Axel into the ropes and hits a very hard chop on him. Nate then hits a clothesline that sends Axel over the top. Without wasting any time, Giovanna jumps to the top rope, turns around, and jumps backwards for an Asai Moonsault. At the last second, Axel moves out of the way, however. Axel gets up and picks Nate up. He slams Nate’s head into the ring barrier. He walks Nate to the turnbuckle and slams Nate’s head into that. He slams Nate’s head into the ring steps. Finally, he rolls Nate back into the ring and he also rolls back in. Conrad Bergan was at a 6 count. Axel stands up and picks Nate up. The two begin changing blows.)

Peter Vexnor: Well, there’s a plus. Neither is allowing themselves to get to far behind. Both want to make a good impression their first time out.

Dustin Larson: This is boring, this isn’t a good impression. I’m going to call Nate Giovanna the “Craptastical” Nate Giovanna now.

(Nate Giovanna gets the upper hand by head butting Axel Action. Nate executes an arm drag that keeps Axel down for a split second. Nate executes another arm drag. Axel gets up again and Nate knees him in the stomach. Nate puts Axel under his arm, lifts him, hold him in the air, and then hits a vertical suplex. Nate picks Axel up, whips him into the ropes, and upon Axel’s return, Nate hits a Jumping DDT. The crowd is heavily booing Nate. Nate gets up and picks Axel up. He whips Axel into the ropes. However, Axel reverses it. Nate comes bounding off the ropes and Axel lands a Japanese Arm Drag. Nate lands hard on his back. Axel stands up and picks Nate up. He tries to whip Nate into the ropes but Nate reverses it, opting to get Axel in a belly-to-belly position, rather than whipping him into the ropes. Nate tries to suplex Axel but Axel blocks it. Nate head butts him, then tries again. Again, Axel blocks it. Nate pushes away from Axel, dropkicking him before he can get his guards up. Axel stumbles backwards into the ropes. The two stare one another down. Axel starts running as fast as he can at Nate, who stands his ground. Axel is about to pounce on Nate when, out of nowhere, Nate executes The South Beach Sunset. Axel drops like a fly. The crowd is going crazy. Bergan goes for the count: one, two, three!)

WINNER: “THE FABULOUS” NATE GIOVANNA in 1:56

Dustin Larson: That was an absolute dismantling on the part of Nate Giovanna! He just destroyed Axel Action.

Peter Vexnor: Certainly a good showing on the part of Nate. A great opening to what I’m sure will be a fabulous career.

(Show cuts to commercial. We see commercials for crazy\beautiful, Carnival Cruises, the MLB All-Star Game, and Gatorade.)

Peter Vexnor: We’re back and it’s time for the first tag match of the night.

Shaden Rose: A win tonight for either team will be a step in the right direction for a World Tag Title run.

Dustin Larson: It doesn’t matter which direction they step in. Monotinous Death and Shadowflare are tag team champions and there’s no way they’re going to drop the titles.

Shaden Rose: The EoD is only as strong as they want to be.

Dustin Larson: They’re beyond strong. They’re freaking super heroes.

Shaden Rose: Well, I’m sure that one of the up and coming tag teams will be able to dethrone the champions sometime in the future. And, two of the brightest teams for that job are facing off next.

(Mark Scott is in the ring.)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a tag team match and it’s scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, at a combined weight of 531 pounds: Kraven and Masta K: STEP BACK!

(The arena goes dark. Over the PA a voice is heard: "Spinning complacently in the darkness… Covered and blinded by a blanket of little lives... False security has lulled the madness of this world into a slumber....WAKE UP! An eye is upon you. Staring strait down and keenly through… seeing all that you are and everything you can never be... yes, an eye is upon you. An eye ready to blink, so face forward with arms wide open and mind reeling. Your future has arrived… ARE YOU READY TO GO!?” Pyros and lights flare as “Supernova” by Powerman 5000 starts playing over the PA system. Kraven and Masta K walk out from the back with John "The Beast" Steele behind them. The make their way down to the ring and wait.)

Mark Scott: And their opponents: weighing in at 499 pounds… ah, forget it, they’re not worth it.

(No one really expected that, so it takes a few seconds for things to happen. However, once they realize that Mark Scott isn’t going to announce the name, Biggs ‘n’ Karl come running out like nothing weird just happened. Biggs runs out from the back and onto the stage. He's wearing black jeans and a red tank top that reads in black across the front "I Like Fireworks." On the back, there is a picture of a burning man. He holds both arms straight out in front of him, and it can be seen that there is something duct taped to his arms. With a flick of a lighter, the four quick fire roman candles strapped to his arms fire all of there shots in about 2 seconds.)

(Karl comes out from the back, and joins him in walking toward the ring. They both acknowledge the fans, but Biggs seems to be drinking in the praise. He stops at the barrier a few times, giving high fives and such, before he makes it under the ropes and into the ring.)

Peter Vexnor: And here we go!

(All four men are in the ring exchanging punches. The camera cuts to the audience. We see “Sassy” Summer Kensington coming over the guard railing from beside the announcers’ table. She is dressed in her traditional wrestling gear. However, she is wearing a shirt with a “Beauty and the Beast” logo on it. She also has on Emerald Green Dixie shorts. The Beast takes notice of this. Sassy offers a smile of hope as she takes a seat next to Dustin Larson.)

Dustin Larson: I love it! I’m sex magnet. Tell me, baby, how you doin’?

(Sassy remains silent. She only looks into the eyes of John “The Beast” Steele as he stares back at her. Meanwhile, in the ring, Biggs has knocked Masta K on his back. Kraven has knocked Karl on his back. Kraven bends over to pick Karl up by the hair. Biggs jumps on his back, applying a sleeper hold. Karl and Masta K both slide out of the ring. Kraven starts spinning in circles, trying to shake the tiny Biggs off of his back. Biggs is fairly persistent, however. He is knocked off three times, but each time he jumps back on Kraven’s back.)

Dustin Lawson: What the hell is this? Biggs is just like one of those damn mosquitoes. He never leaves you alone. (Dustin starts laughing) What’d you think of my joke, Sassy?

(Dustin places his hand on Sassy’s shoulder. Sassy, without breaking eye contact with The Beast, moves over a little. Dustin’s hand falls off.)

Shaden Rose: Wow! Looks like you’ve actually scared a woman into a freeze frame state.

(Kraven has stopped spinning in circles. He reaches his hands behind his back as far as they can go, grabbing Biggs by the shirt. Kraven bends over quickly and flips Biggs over his head to a hard landing on the ring mat. Kraven stands up to readjust himself. He then bends over to pick Biggs up. Biggs, however, kicks Kraven from where he lays. Biggs rolls onto his stomach and pushes himself up to his feet. He head butts Kraven three times.)

Peter Vexnor: Multiple head butts!

(Biggs head butts Kraven three more times.)

Dustin Larson: Power head butts!

(Biggs head butts Kraven three more times.)

Shaden Rose: Bionic head butts!

(Biggs hits Kraven with one more head butt and then falls over. Blood is trickling down Biggs’s head. Kraven doesn’t even seem phased. Kraven picks Biggs up, lifting him over his head. Kraven then drops Biggs, executing a Gorilla Press Slam. Kraven picks Biggs up again and sets him up for a powerbomb. He has Biggs up in the air for the powerbomb when Karl comes bounding off the top rope, dropkicking Kraven in the back. Kraven stumbles around for a second, just enough time for Biggs to realize what is going on. Biggs executes a picture perfect hurricanrana. The ref comes over to Karl to get him to leave the ring. Biggs turns around to attack Kraven but instead meets a very vicious clothesline from Masta K. K slides out of the ring as the ref, Kyle Lake, turns around. Kraven rolls over onto Biggs. Lake counts: one, two, kick out.)

Dustin Larson: You have to hand it to that little midget, he’s got heart.

Shaden Rose: The heart of a champion, you might say.

Dustin Larson: No, that doesn’t sound like anything I might say.

Shaden Rose: Shut up.

(Kraven rolls to his corner and tags out to K. K comes running in, ready to fight. Biggs stands up just in time for K to hit a Japanese Arm Drag. Biggs goes skidding across the ring. Both men stand up and K comes running at Biggs with a clothesline. Biggs suddenly comes to like, executing an arm drag take down. He quickly rolls over K’s back and executes a Crippler Crossface. K starts screaming in pain, but he reaches the ropes after only 8 seconds. Biggs stands up and tags out to Karl. Karl comes in and starts laying boots to the back of Masta K. Karl picks Masta K up and lays a few knees to his face. Karl then picks Masta K up and hits a Tilt-o-Whirl Backbreaker. Karl goes for the pin as Lake counts: one, two, Kraven breaks the count up.)

Shaden Rose: These two tag teams are working very well with one another.

(Biggs isn’t prepared to take this insolence from Kraven so he runs in and jumps at him. Biggs begins laying punches to the top of Kraven’s head. Biggs head butts him once. Then, Kraven gets tired of it all and powerbombs the little sucker. The crowd makes a collective “OOOH” at the sound of the thud. Karl gets up, as does Master K. The two start exchanging punches. Finally, Karl pushes K away. Karl invites K to tie up. The two clasp one hand, then the other. K kicks Karl in the stomach, pulls him close, and hits a fairly week belly-to-belly overhead release suplex. K gets up as Karl gets to his knees. K runs to the turnbuckle, hops up to the top rope, turns in mid air, and hits a flying clothesline that gets more than one flashbulb going.)

Shaden Rose: Masta K is a quick, agile little guy. And, in this atmosphere, that really helps.

(K gets up and runs to the ropes. He hops up to the second rope and hits a moonsault. He goes for the pin as Lake counts: one, two, kickout! K gets up and picks Karl up. K jumps up and hits a spinning back heel kick that sends Karl into a turnbuckle. K runs at Karl and hits a spear on him. Karl slumps down and K sees his opportunity. K runs at Karl and hits a Bronco Buster on him. More flash bulbs go off.)

Peter Vexnor: Masta K really seems to have Karl’s number. I think these boys of Step Back did their research on these two wrestlers.

Dustin Larson: Research? What do you have to research? Biggs: good points: none, weaknesses: everything. Karl: good points: tall, weaknesses: EVERYTHING!

(K drags Karl out from the corner, taking his sweet time, and goes for the pin. Lake counts: one, two, kickout. K gets up, getting Karl up while he does. He puts Karl under his armpit, ready to hit his finisher, the Masta K stunner. Masta K runs forward, ready to hit it, when Karl pops out from underneath K’s armpit. K runs right into the turnbuckle. Karl runs at K and hits a big splash in the corner. Karl comes out of the corner and K falls backwards. Karl picks K up and hits an inverse atomic drop. This wakes K up from his stupor as he clutches his vulnerable area. He, on his knees, runs to Kraven and tags him in. Karl, who is standing in his corner, prepares to fight the big man when Biggs hits a blind tag and hops over the ropes.)

Dustin Larson: What the hell is that midget thinking? Does he want to die?

(Karl is stunned but Biggs is on the attack. He leaps at Kraven, catching him off guard, and hitting a Super DDT. The fans, Karl, and K are all shocked that Biggs actually did something. Biggs gets up and does a little dance of happiness. He goes back to Kraven and gets the man set up for a normal DDT. It’s funny looking, how far Kraven has to bend down. Biggs is about to do the move when Kraven, almost effortlessly, lifts Biggs and falls back with him, doing some weird suplex.)

Dustin Larson: Okay, guys, seriously. Sassy is starting to freak me out. My hand is on her breast and she doesn’t even notice!

(Sassy hears this and seems to snap back to reality. She looks down and sees that Dustin’s hand truly is on her breast. She punches, not slaps, him in the head. Dustin falls out of his seat while Shaden stands up.)

Shaden Rose: That’s what you get for being a scary rapist guy.

(Shaden kicks Dustin in the stomach and you hear him groan.)

Peter Vexnor: That looks like fun!

(Inside the ring, Kraven is up and picks Biggs up. Kraven wraps both hands around Bigg’s neck and lifts him in the air. Suddenly, the fury of hell has been unleashed in Biggs’s eyes. He violently starts head butting Kraven as he locks his legs around Kraven’s waist. Kraven is caught off guard and doesn’t retaliate in time. Blood starts pouring down Biggs’s head after eight head butts (about 7 seconds.) It takes 15 head butts for Kraven to finally crack open. Neither man really seems to be phased. Kraven starts pulling in Biggs’s legs, trying to unlock them. After 20 head butts, Biggs finally hops down from Kraven. The faces of the two are mangled, bloody messes.)

Peter Vexnor: It always seems to be that way with the smaller wrestlers: lots of heart but no brains.

Shaden Rose: If Biggs hasn’t killed every single one of his brain cells tonight I’ll be proud of him.

(Biggs and Kraven both stand their ground. Biggs invites Kraven to tie up. The two tie up and Kraven hits Biggs with a head butt of his own. Biggs stumbles backwards. Kraven hits another head butt. Kraven then brings his big leg up and gives a boot to Biggs’s face. Biggs falls over backwards and lands near his tag partner. Karl stretches his hand out to be tagged in. The camera shows a close up of Biggs’s face. You can hardly tell who it is under that red.)

Shaden Rose: Tag! Tag out! Come on Biggs!

(Biggs looks up at his partner’s hand. He stands up, a little woozy, while Kraven watches. Then, to the amazement of everyone, Biggs goes running at Kraven. Biggs starts punching Kraven in the stomach, which does little to the huge man. Karl comes running in to help his partner. Kraven shoves Karl into the corner and picks Biggs up by the throat, hitting the Fist of Wrath. Just then, Sassy gets up, a look of sincere hurt in her eyes.)

Dustin Larson: (From the ground and talking with a strain in his voice that is pain) Where’s she going? I was just getting started.

Shaden Rose: Knock it off!

(Shaden stands up and kicks Dustin in the gut again. The camera then cuts to Sassy as she walks over to John. She talks, without the aide of a microphone but the camera still picks up what she says.)

“Sassy” Summer Kensington: John, You have always meant more to me than Hawke. I was foolish to ever leave you for a chance to marry Hawke.

(Ed. Note: this is going on during that last little bit of wrestling you read.)

(She reaches her arms out for a hug. The Beast is a bit hesitant. He’s remembering all the pain, you imagine, but finally, he caves in and embraces her. She pulls her head back, looks him in the eyes, and gives him a slow, long kiss that has all you wrestling fans running to your bedrooms to get your Playboys from underneath your mattresses for a little “alone time.” She reaches into her pocket as the two hold one another, poor sappy Steele doesn’t even notice. Sassy pulls out a can of mace. She pulls away from The Beast completely and sprays him in the eyes with the mace. The Beast, now blind, falls to his knees screaming. Kraven, who has just hit the Fist of Wrath, hears this and turns to see what has just happened. Kyle Lake slides out of the ring to help The Beast.)

Peter Vexnor: Oh my God! We all thought that Sassy had changed! We all believed that she truly cared for John Steele! This is sick and heinous!

(Sassy runs to a corner ring post and lifts up the ring apron. From underneath the ring she pulls Ole’ Lusty. Karl sneaks up on Kraven. Biggs is up as Masta K comes running in. Biggs grabs K and, using his momentum, sends him flying through the ropes. Biggs goes outside the ring and the two get into a fist fight. Karl grabs Kraven by the neck, trying to do a move as Sassy slides in. He doesn’t even see her coming. With Kraven’s back to Sassy, a load of pain like you’ve never imagined shoots up even your spine. The impact of Ole’ Lusty to Kraven’s back sends both men falling to the ground. Karl, however, isn’t hurt. He rolls Kraven over and goes for the pin as Sassy slides out of the ring and alerts the ref of the pin in the ring. Lake slides in the ring.)

Shaden Rose: This isn’t right! Summer, you stupid ho!

Peter Vexnor: Karl isn’t even the legal man! He isn’t the legal man in this match! Biggs is the legal man, dammit!

(Lake counts the pin: one, two, three!)

WINNER: BIGGS ‘N’ KARL IN 12:43

Peter Vexnor: I’m happy to see Biggs ‘n’ Karl win and they did do a great job against Step Back, but they DID NOT earn this!

(Masta K realizes what is going on and starts to walk away from Biggs, going after Summer. Biggs, who is oblivious that the fight is even over, runs up to K, turns him around, and sling shots him into the ring post. Summer goes running past K and up the ramp way. K, who is only down momentarily, gets up and tries to regain himself. Summer is on the Extreme-O-Tron. Kraven, who is trying to stand up, but clutches his back in pain, looks up at the Extreme-O-Tron, giving a cold-hearted stare at Summer. Masta K is up and runs up the ramp way.) 

“Sassy” Summer Kensington: I ALWAYS KEEP MY PROMISES…John, you of ALL People should have realized that. 

“Sassy” Summer Kensington: I told you, Kraven, you would meet my friend. Looks like you met him REAL GOOD. How does it feel Kraven? How does it feel to meet “SASSY” now? You thought you knew me, YOU WERE WRONG! (Masta K suddenly comes into camera shot, rushing around a corner. He sees Sassy, who is laughing, and gives chase to her as she runs off and the camera cuts to commercial. We see commercials for the All-Star Game, Sam Goody’s, Staples, Gatorade, and Right Guard.)

(When we come back from commercials, Dustin is sitting in his seat but looks like he’s in a lot of pain.)

Dustin Larson: I HATE stiletto heels.

Shaden Rose: I hate that stupid whore, “Sassy” Summer Kensington. To play with John “The Beast” Steele’s emotions like that is absolutely deplorable.

Peter Vexnor: Summer Kensington is a truly disgusting women.

Dustin Larson: I’d still hit it.

Shaden Rose: We know you would. You’d “still hit” a pig.

Dustin Larson: Depends on what breed here. I’m a choosy man. I don’t want any that will be turned into bacon, I only want prize winners.

(Shaden and Peter are shocked.)

Dustin Larson: Holy crap! I’m kidding! I wouldn’t ever boff a pig.

(The other two are not convinced)

Dustin Larson: Oh my God! Look, just get to the next match.

(Mark Scott is in the ring.)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match up is a fat guy vs. a thin guy and it’s scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at… oh… the metric weight of earth: THE SAMOAN WARRIOR.

(“Don’t Drag Me Down” by Social Distortion booms over the arena sound system as The Samoan Warrior, comes out. Blue pyros shower over him as he walks down the ramp way. When he reaches the ring, he climbs the ring steps and waves to the fans. He gets in the ring.)

(As the Samoan Warrior enters the ring, Biggs ‘n’ Karl come out onto the stage. Karl is carrying a big bowl of red punch, and Biggs waves to the crowd as he makes his way down the ramp. Karl puts the bowl down on the barrier, and Karl whips out a couple of cups. Both men take sips of the punch as they wait, watching for anything crooked.)

Mark Scott: And, his opponent, a man as frightening as the boogie man to a 40 year old: THE MYSTERY TEASER MAN.

(“I Spy” by Neil Zaza plays over the arena sound system as the Mystery Teaser Man steps out from the back. The crowd is decidedly undecided as to cheer or boo this man. He has a microphone in hand. He stays up at the platform as he talks.)

Mystery Teaser Man: Well, many of you look disappointed. I'm sure you all wanted to see who the mystery man really is, especially Shadowflare and my...excuse me... “opponent” The Samoan Warrior. You, like everyone else in the EWA, are just going to have to wait to find out who the man behind the mask really is and, boy, has the speculation been flying. I've heard everything… well take a look. 

(The Extreme-O-Tron cuts to several street side interviews will EWA fans. The first guy interviewed is a tall, blonde, curly-haired man in his late twenties.)

Blonde Man: I think it is just the Piper playing us all along, SNAP! 

(He gives his best piper cheeser at the camera. The next person is a young woman in her late teens.)

Teen Girl: I'll bet it's really Ric Gold. 

(Another individual, obviously just fallen off the Whiskey-Train, is next.)

Drunk: Bayou Brawler. It's gotta be. That Madame LeVeau is a tricky one.

(Finally a unwashed 30-something man appears)

Man: I bet it's really Pimp C making his return to the ring.

(He spits some chew on the sidewalk before the Extreme-O-Tron fades.)

Mystery Teaser Man: EWA I could be any of them or none of them, well except for the last one. Who is he kidding. Pimp C??? Anyway, regardless of who I am, EWA will never be the same again. Hawke, send out the condemned.

(MTM then runs down to the ring and slide in. He stands up and he and The Warrior begin trading punches. The Warrior gets a headlock on MTM. MTM pushes The Warrior into the ropes. MTM sets up for a back body drop. He has The Warrior set up perfectly for the move. Of course, The Warrior is way too heavy. The Samoan Warrior just laughs and picks MTM up. He hits a twisting backbreaker. The Warrior picks MTM up and pulls him back in a headlock. The Warrior then begins to run and he lands a bulldog. He gets up and pulls MTM over to the turnbuckle. The Warrior climbs to the second rope and prepares himself for a Bonzai Drop. MTM is up, however, having not had enough damage done to him to keep him down just yet. MTM clubs The Warrior in the back a few times and then grabs his head and tosses him off the turnbuckle.)

Peter Vexnor: These are two great athletes. They’re definitely going to push one another to the limit.

(In the ring, the Mystery Teaser Man is stomping away at The Warrior’s legs. He lays knees to the back of The Warrior’s calves. MTM picks The Warrior up and whips him into the ropes. MTM executes a drop toe hold. MTM goes for the pin. Brian Silcox makes the count: one, two, kickout.)

Dustin Larson: The teaser man needs to just beat the crap out of The Warrior. He is a disgusting human being.

Shaden Rose: He’s a very generous man. He’s kind to everyone. How is he a disgusting human being?

Dustin Larson: He’s a blimp!

(Back in the ring, MTM has The Warrior up. He whips the Warrior into the ropes. The Warrior leap frogs MTM, turns around, and applies a sleeper hold. The Warrior wraps his legs around MTM’s and both fall to the ground. MTM wriggles out of it and gets up. The Warrior gets up, too, but MTM kicks him in the face. MTM rushes to him, whips him into the ropes, and dropkicks The Samoan Warrior’s legs out from underneath him. MTM picks The Warrior up and starts punching him in the face. The Warrior’s knees buckle under his own weight, since they’ve been weakened, and he falls to his knees. MTM runs into the ropes, comes bounding back, and dropkicks The Samoan Warrior in the face.)

Peter Vexnor: Oh my God! The Warrior’s nose is just gushing blood!

(It’s true, The Warrior’s nose is bleeding badly. He takes notice of this and is very pissed about it. He gets up and ties up with MTM. The Warrior kicks MTM in the stomach, goes behind him, and attempts a belly-to-back suplex. However, MTM hits a few elbows to the side of The Warrior’s head. MTM frees himself, turns around and kicks the Warrior in the gut. However, The Warrior catches MTM’s foot, spins him around, gets him in a headlock, and hits a headlock powerbomb. The fans are going wild with cheers.)

Shaden Rose: For being a man that is usually billed as “sluggish” The Samoan Warrior did a very good job of not allowing the Mystery Teaser Man from getting the upper hand.

(The Warrior gets up and picks MTM up. He whips him into the ropes and lifts him into the air. MTM falls to the ground and hits hard. His knees buckle and he falls over. The Warrior goes for the pin. Silcox counts: one, two, kickout. The Warrior goes to the turnbuckle and climbs the ropes. He reaches the top and turns for The Big Splash Pin. He leaps off, his target MTM, but MTM rolls out of the way. The Warrior makes a very loud thud when he hits the ground. MTM is quick to getting to The Warrior, applying a standing Boston Crab to The Samoan Warrior. For 30 seconds, he flails around. By 1 minute he’s all but dead. Finally, Brian Silcox checks The Warrior’s hand: one, two, three.)

WINNER: THE MYSTERY TEASER MAN IN 8:18

Peter Vexnor: We may not know who he is, but we know… whoa!

(Shadowflare’s Shadow comes running out of the crowd, over the barrier, past the three announcers. He slides into the ring while the Mystery Teaser Man has his back to him. Shadowflare’s Shadow opens his trench coat a little and pulls a baseball bat out. He waits for the Mystery Teaser Man to turn around and then he cracks him in the ribs with the bat. MTM falls to his knees and Shadowflare’s Shadow hits him in the back with the bat. He then slides out of the ring runs into Biggs ‘n’ Karl. Shadowflare’s Shadow holds up his bat, threatening them. Biggs runs at the Shadow and gets a baseball bat to the head for his troubles. Karl takes notice and runs at Shadowflare’s Shadow, too. The Shadow cracks him over the head, too. Shad’s Shadow drops the bat and walks up the ramp way as the show cuts to commercial. We see a commercial for your local news, Lay’s Potato Ships, Gatorade, Staples, and Gatorade, again.)

Shaden Rose: We’re back and what a strange night this has been!

Peter Vexnor: It’s been truly odd. We’ve had both the Mystery Men fighting one another. The EoD is up next and we haven’t even heard if Shadowflare is conscious or not. And…

Dustin Larson: And, Biggs ‘n’ Karl got a win.

Peter Vexnor: Well, they’re a great tag team, Dustin. They will win in the future. I’d say they’re probably the highest profile up-and-comers.

Shaden Rose: Wait, I’m getting word from the back of something going on.

(Backstage, Monotinous Death is standing with Shadowflare in a locker room. Shadowflare has a bag of ice on his head. Blood is dried to his hair. Bruce and Kelsey look concerned in the background.)

Monotinous Death: Look, you have nothing to prove! You don’t have to fight tonight! You have a very important match on Sunday.

Shadowflare: I’m fine.

Monotinous Death: How many fingers?

(MD holds up three fingers.)

Shadowflare: You’re too far away, I can’t see.

Monotinous Death: Too far away? I’m not too far away to slap the hell out of you for being an idiot. I can go out there and handle those women myself. You need rest.

(Shadowflare stands up.)

Shadowflare: No, that’s okay.

(Shadowflare walks to the door and opens it, walking out. He really truly seems out of it.)

Shaden Rose: Well, up next we do have the Eye of Disaster taking on The Sisterhood of Chaos. This is a match that Mysty Wylde set up herself as punishment for those girls messing with her.

Peter Vexnor: But Shadowflare is in no condition to wrestle. He was banged up very hard by the Mystery Teaser Man.

Dustin Larson: Regardless, this match is going to happen. Let’s get to Mark.

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match up is a tag team match and one side is going to be completely destroyed. Introducing first, weighing in at 325 pounds: THE SISTERHOOD OF CHAOS!

(“Fear” by Disturbed plays over the PA system as Stynger and Katt come out from the back. The two don’t look happy to be in the situation they are, but they’re not afraid. They walk down to the ring with no pyros and a lot of cheering.)

Mark Scott: And their opponents, weighing in at 477 pounds: THE EYE OF DISASTER!

(“Riders of the Storm” by the Doors plays over the arena sound system as Monotinous Death, Shadowflare, Kelsey Manny, Bruce, and Rocco Mandullii come out from the back. Brilliant black and blue pyros shoot of, interlacing with one another. MD holds up his tag team title in praise as the fans boo them. Shadowflare, who still seems out of it, starts doing the Blue Meanie raise the roof dance. The fans are shocked and they all assume it’s because Shadowflare was brutally bashed in the head with a baseball bat. The real reason however, is because Brad gave this card writer creative control of his character for this entrance and that is a dangerous thing to do. The two men run down to the ring as their three companions walk. They drop their titles at ring side, slide in, and start going fist to fist with the women.)

Peter Vexnor: And we’re off!

Dustin Larson: Is anyone else as frightened as me that that woman looks like a man?

Shaden Rose: Actually, I’m very frightened, and have been.

Dustin Larson: And, what was up with Shadowflare? Is he snorting cocaine again?

Peter Vexnor: Hey, ALLEGEDLY. You have to say ALLEGEDLY… otherwise you can be sued.

(No one in the ring has gotten the upper hand on the other yet when the Extreme-O-Tron comes blinking on. The Nation of Denomination theme begins playing over the arena sound system as Commissioner Wylde comes on the screen. The two tag teams look on at the Extreme-o-Tron as Mysty begins to speak.)

Mysty Wylde: (She still looks somewhat disorientated, but still well focused on what she is doing) Alright my darling half bred Sisters, You honestly think that I would let you have your first match in the EWA go on with out me being here to witness?

(The Extreme-O-Tron flashes images of Mysty as she comes walking out from backstage. Both Katt and Stynger are looking on as Mysty smiles while holding her mic.)

Mysty Wylde: Tonight, I have a bit of a welcoming for you two ladies…so lets get this match started.

(The two women in the ring have their guards down and the two men take advantage. Bruce slides in the ring with a tag title belt while Mysty Wylde finds a seat at ring side. MD lays out Katt with a roundhouse punch. Shadowflare dropkicks Stynger. She falls backwards into the ring ropes. MD runs at Stynger and clotheslines her over the top rope. Both wrestlers go over. Shadowflare picks Katt up and whips her into the ropes. Katt comes back, jumps up on Shadowflare, and hits a swinging head scissors on the wrestler. MD is the first up outside the ring. He starts laying boots on Stynger’s back. She is able to get up. She stumbles backwards with a punch from MD. She shakes her head to get back into this match. She then charges MD and hits him with a spear he wasn’t expecting.)

Peter Vexnor: Those two women may not have an advantage, but they are still showing these two men what it’s like have to work for everything.

Dustin Larson: Oh my God! What are you talking about? Monotinous Death and Shadowflare had to work very hard to get where they are today. Deaths in the family, drug use, they’ve have to overcome it all.

Shaden Rose: And, these women have had to deal with it and work twice as hard, too.

(In the ring, Bruce has snuck up behind Katt and drills her with the tag team title to the back of the head. Shadowflare, who is dazed and bleeding already, gets up. He picks Katt up and executes a side slam. Outside the ring, Stynger sees what is going on in the ring and slides in. Shadowflare turns around and Stynger drops her knees, low blowing Shadowflare.)

Dustin Larson: That is THE worst case scenario for when a woman drops to her knees.

Shaden Rose: You’re a pig.

Peter Vexnor: Hey! Look, we have a guest!

(At the top of the ramp way, Valykerie emerges. The crowd doesn’t really cheer him or pay attention to him. Rocco Mandullii stands his guard as, inside the ring, Bruce runs in circles while Stynger tries to get her hands on him. Valykerie slowly walks down the ramp way. With each step, Rocco gets more and more prepared. Inside the ring, Monotinous Death slides in, behind Stynger. Bruce runs past MD and hides behind him while Stynger confronts MD. MD spits in her face and knees her in the stomach. MD DDT’s her. Valykerie reaches the floor and walks down to the ring. Katt is up and leaps on MD’s back. MD turns his back to a turnbuckle and runs backwards, slamming Katt into the ring post.)

Shaden Rose: What is Valykerie doing here?

Dustin Larson: I don’t know, but this is turning into a lumberjack match! We have four people that should be here, three that came as valets for tonight’s match. Then, we have Valykerie and Mysty Wilde! It seems like the EoD is the gravitational center of the EWA.

Peter Vexnor: That’s a little far fetched. The real reason is that they’re the most hated and everyone wants to kick their ass.

(Rocco is ready to fight but instead of engaging him, Valykerie walks past Rocco and towards the announcers. Valykerie reaches the announcers’ table and sits next to Peter.)

Peter Vexnor: Well, we truly do have a guest! How are you doing Valykerie?

Valykerie: There have been far better nights, but this isn’t a bad one.

(Inside the ring, MD is checking on Shadowflare. He helps Shad up. The two turn around to get a double clothesline from Stynger. MD is first up and gets another clothesline from Stynger. Shadowflare gets up and ducks a clothesline. He does a three punch combination that is topped off with Judo Flip that knocks Stynger back into the ropes. Katt is up and on the attack, jumping on MD’s back again and applying a Boston Crab. MD looks to be in considerable pain but reaches the rope after only 11 seconds. Meanwhile, Bruce takes the World Tag Title and clubs Stynger in the head with it, knocking her into the ropes in front of Rocco and Kelsey. Rocco starts laying the kicks to the back of Stynger. Katt gets up and picks MD up. Shadowflare comes up from behind her and grabs her arms. She, by using the ring ropes, jumps in the air and flips over Shadowflare. She wraps her arms around him as he runs into the ring ropes. He holds on to the ropes and she bounces back. She rolls backwards and stands up.)

Peter Vexnor: Some very agile moves on the part of Katt.

Shaden Rose: And some very quick thinking on Shadowflare’s part.

Dustin Larson: Are you guys actually interested in this match?

(Back in the ring, Shadowflare and Katt tie up. Katt kicks Shadowflare in the stomach, but it doesn’t really phase him since she’s so puny and her little legs really only brushed him. Outside the ring, Rocco has picked Stynger up only to get a vicious clothesline for his troubles. Stynger advances on Kelsey, who retreats in fear. From out of nowhere (actually, the top rope) MD comes sailing into Stynger with a big splash that sends her into the corner of the ring barrier. Shadowflare has had enough fun in this tie up that has rendered nothing and he pulls Katt close to him. He wraps his arms around her and executes a German Suplex that he bridges into a pin. Kyle Lake counts the pin: one, two, kickout!)

Peter Vexnor: I can’t believe Katt actually kicked out. I mean, granted, that isn’t as painful a move as, say, the Darkness Turns to Light, but Shadowflare is a very intimidating person and I would just lay down and die in a match like this, where the odds are against you. What about you, Valykerie?

Valykerie: Shadowflare and I have a lot to settle and laying down is for the pathetic.

(MD has Stynger’s arms behind her back and is letting Kelsey Manny slap the hell out of her. Meanwhile, in the ring, Shadowflare picks Katt up and hits a reverse DDT. MD rolls Stynger back into the ring as he starts to climb the turnbuckle from outside the ring. Shadowflare does a double foot stop on Katt’s chest. MD jumps off the top rope for a moonsault on Stynger but Stynger successfully rolls out of the way. She stands up. Shadowflare has his back to her as he picks Katt up and puts her between his legs. Shadowflare picks Katt up, in a powerbomb position, when Stynger hits a dropkick to Shadowflare’s back. Shadowflare goes stumbling forward until he hits the ring ropes. Katt goes flying off of Shadowflare’s shoulders, over the ring ropes, and slams her back into the ring announcers’ table. Mysty Wylde is clapping.)

Peter Vexnor: My God! Did you hear the thud that Katt made when she slammed into our table?

(In the ring, Shadowflare turns around as Stynger comes running at him. He dips his shoulder down in time and lifts up, sending her over the top rope. He then falls to his knees and then face. For ten seconds, nothing happens until MD starts to rustle. Bruce helps him to his feet. MD goes over to Shadowflare and helps him up. From out of the back emerge Biggs ‘n’ Karl. The two take a seat at the top of the platform, dangling their feet over the side. Karl has a duffel bag.)

Dustin Larson: Okay, seriously, why does everyone care so much about this match?

Peter Vexnor: Well, Mysty is here to make sure her sisters lose. Rocco, I guess, is making sure no one interferes. You know why Bruce and Kelsey are here.

Dustin Larson: Why are you here, Valykerie?

Valykerie: I’m just interested in Shadowflare. That’s all.

Dustin Larson: And what about Biggs ‘n’ Karl guys?

Shaden Rose: Well, are they the number one contending tag team now?

Peter Vexnor: I really don’t know.

(Inside the ring, Shadowflare and MD are talking to one another. They seem to have a plan. Stynger and Katt get up at the same time. Just then, Shadowflare and MD run at the ropes, jumping through them, and hitting a suicide dive on both women. MD gets up and rolls Stynger on the Spanish announcers’ table. Shadowflare does the same with Katt. Then, both men go to the turnbuckles and climb. The anticipation of the audience is unbearable. Both men are atop their respective turnbuckles. They look at one another and give each other the go ahead. MD stands up and executes The Boring End. He barely makes it, but he lands it and the table smashes. Flashbulbs go off all over the place, bathing everyone in light. Shadowflare leaps off and lands a flying elbow drop that smashes the table into pieces. More flashbulbs, more blinding light.)

Shaden Rose: Our table has been destroyed! The Spanish announcing table has been destroyed. I’ve never seen anything like it!

Peter Vexnor: Both those men are great athletes. The fact that MD was able to make that gap while doing the hardest move in wrestling is absolute proof of that!

Dustin Larson: Christ, we’ve got MORE company.

(Shadowflare’s Shadow comes running out from the back. He pulls a crow bar from his trench coat. He sees Biggs ‘n’ Karl sitting near him. He runs to Karl and hits him in the back with the crowbar, knocking him off the platform. Biggs is stunned but he has no time to retaliate. Shad’s Shadow is already halfway down the ramp way. All four of the wrestlers involved in the match, meanwhile, are down. Rocco is ready to fight but Shadowflare’s Shadow takes him out with the blunt end of the crowbar to Rocco’s forehead. Shadowflare’s Shadow runs around the side of the ring, towards Kelsey. She freaks out and slides into the ring. Shad’s Shadow isn’t deterred by this, however, he runs to where Shadowflare is and picks him up. He rolls him in the ring and gets in. He picks Shadowflare up and hits a powerbomb on him. Just then, the Mystery Teaser Man comes flying out of the entrance.)

Dustin Larson: What in the hell is going on?!

(Shadowflare’s Shadow sees this and slides out of the ring. He takes off through the crowd. The Mystery Teaser Man gives chase.)

Peter Vexnor: This is one very messed up match.

Dustin Larson: Hey, Valykerie, you said in an interview that you were a little too close to answer who you thought either of the mystery men were. Now they’re fighting. What did you mean by that?

Valykerie: Well, we’re all closer to the mystery men than we all think. After all, Shadowflare’s Shadow just ran right past me and I was not more than two feet away from him. That’s very close.

(Monotinous Death is up and he has Stynger. He wearily drags her into the ring. Both look like they’re about to collapse. Katt is starting to move a little. Mysty gets up from her seat at ringside, still holding the mic she had. She goes over the ring barrier as Katt gets to her feet, stumbling about. MD hits an elbow on Stynger that sends her to the mat. Katt sees this and slides in the ring. MD turns around and wearily elbows her, too. It isn’t a strong elbow and Katt doesn’t go down. The two tie up. Two female wrestlers come running out from the back.)

Mysty Wylde: Ladies, meet Dark and eXotic or DX…so they like being called….Ladies…Hope your debut match was as memorable for you as it was for me…Just a little showcasing of upcoming events I have in line for you…Don’t F*CK with the Commish…I’m not the toy you wanna PLAY!

(Both Carmen Juaraz and Lisa Cazzenotti come running down the ramp, the slide in and are beating up Stynger and Katt. Carmen powerbombs Katt and puts MD on top. Lake counts: one, two, three!)

WINNERS: THE EYE OF DISASTER IN 15:12

Peter Vexnor: That is a disgusting way to win a match.

Dustin Larson: Hey, the EoD was so out of it, they had no clue there was cheating going on.

Valykerie: What are Biggs ‘n’ Karl doing?

(Karl, who has had time to recover from his spill comes walking out from behind the side of the ramp way. Biggs is next to him. Karl tosses him the duffel bag he had. Meanwhile, the EoD is in the ring celebrating, or, at least, trying to get their bearings. Biggs unzips the duffel bag, and pulls out a bundle of 6 fast-shot roman candles. He lights the bundle and aims them at the ring. The fuse quickly runs down, but at the last second, Monotinous Death happens to glance over and realizes what’s going on. He turns around, and grabs Shadowflare, trying to drop them both to the mat. Shadowflare is a bit too slow however, and both members of the EoD take blasts of fire in the back.) 

Peter Vexnor: That’s what Biggs ‘n’ Karl are doing!

Dustin Larson: Those stupid pyromaniacs are going to kill the EoD! They put warnings on fireworks for a reason. They say: keep the hell away from jackasses.

Shaden Rose: They’re just making sure they have the tag team champions’ attention, that’s all.

(When the smoke clears, Biggs and Karl are already half way up the ramp, waving at the crowd, drawing as many cheers as possible. Shadowflare and MD are just getting to their feet, burnt clothing, hair, and skin showing their brush with the fireworks maniac. Shadowflare collapses and brings MD down with him, since he was clutching his shoulder to help stand. Neither try hard enough to get up as the show cuts to commercial. We see commercials for Gatorade (God bless you for giving this writer the strength to write this card,) Gateway computers, 1-800-COLLECT, Ritz crackers, and Levis.)

Dustin Larson: We’re back and our show is only going to get worse. Although, we have another old time favorite from the ACW coming up.

Peter Vexnor: Worse? We have two matches left and they’re both going to be very close.

Shaden Rose Well, let’s not waste any more time and get to the rest of the card!

(Mark Scott is in the ring.)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and it is for nothing. Introducing first, weighing in at 246 pounds: JUSTIN CASE!

(Justin Case comes out with little fan fare. He has no ceremony either. This is because his character page is down, dammit, so I couldn’t find out what his music is or anything.)

Mark Scott: And his opponent, weighing in at 330 pounds: “THE OUTLAW” DOC TOMBSTONE!

(The same thing happened with Doc. Both men are in the ring now.)

Shaden Rose: Here we go.

(Both men are using both their fists to go fist-to-fist. Finally, the two back down from one another. They look into each other’s eyes. Justin runs, head down, at Doc Tombstone. Doc gets Justin in between his legs, lifts him for a powerbomb and Justin reverses it by hitting a facebuster. The crowd is already into it. Justin is up, quickly, and picks Doc up. He whips Doc into the ropes. Doc comes back with a big boot to the face. Doc picks Justin up and executes a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.)

Peter: Well, both these men are trying not to allow the other to get the upper hand.

(Doc picks Justin up. He whips him into he ropes, again. Justin leap frogs Doc. When Justin comes bounding off the ropes again, Doc tries to do another big boot to the face, but Justin catches Doc’s foot. He spins Doc around and executes a very quick German Suplex. Justin gets up and drops a couple of knees to Doc’s stomach. Justin picks Doc up and walks him to the turnbuckle. He attempts a tornado suplex but, when he’s up in the air, Doc throws him over the top rope.)

Shaden: What a nasty fall for Justin Case!

Dustin: I wouldn’t doubt if he broke his ass on that one.

(Doc climbs over the top rope to get out. He drops down next to Justin and picks him up. He whips Justin into the ring barrier. Doc runs at Justin to clothesline him but Justin barely moves in time. Justin climbs the turnbuckle and quickly as possible. He leaps off for a flying clothesline (having also restarted the count out count) but Doc elbows him in the chest. Doc takes Justin by the back of the head and slams him into the ring barrier. Doc tries again, but Justin blocks, grabs Doc’s head, and slams it into the ring barrier.)

Peter: Give a man a mile and these two will turn it into an inch. This is absolutely mind boggling how they keep coming back from what should be devastating moves.

(Justin whips Doc into the ring steps. Doc sends the top step flying. Justin rolls into the ring and back out to restart the count. Justin goes to Doc and slams Doc’s head into the bottom ring step. Justin picks Doc up. Doc lays a few elbows to Justin’s stomach. Justin doubles over in pain as Doc jumps onto the ring apron. Doc hits an elbow to the back of the head of Justin Case. Doc gets up and puts Justin in between his legs, attempting a power bomb. Doc tries once, but Justin blocks it. Doc tries again but, again, Justin blocks it. Finally, Justin is able to lift Doc, something that is no small feat. Justin hits a back body drop that has Doc bang the back of his knee on the ring step.)

Peter: The fact that Justin lifted a man that is 100 pounds more than him just shows how badly he wants to win this match!

(Justin falls to his knees for exhaustion. Conrad Bergan has reaches the 8 count. Justin wearily gets up and then rolls back out of the ring. He goes over to Doc, picking him up. He attempts a belly-to-belly suplex but Doc is able to use his weight to stay grounded. Doc head butts Justin and then kicks him in the stomach. Doc picks up the bottom ring step and lifts it above his head. Justin lays an elbow to Doc’s chest. Doc drops the ring steps behind Justin. Justin hits a DDT on Doc that almost sees Doc’s head hitting the ring step.)

Dustin: Doc Tombstone is getting punked over like he’s some kind of old woman! This isn’t the same Doc I remember form the ACW! Get up you damn pansy.

(Justin gets Doc back up and rolls him in the ring. Justin then slides in, too. Justin gets up and starts punching Doc. Doc begins to fight back and begins punching Justin. Doc is able to take advantage and whips Justin into the ropes. What follows is a very painful looking spear. Doc goes for the pin. Bergan counts: one, two, kickout.)

Peter: That was one devastating looking spear by Doc but Justin Case still kicks out!

Shaden: Well, he doesn’t want to be out shined in his EWA debut. And, Doc Tombstone doesn’t want that, either.

(Doc picks Justin up and tosses him through the ropes. Doc slides out of the ring and executes a vertical suplex on Justin. This is performed on the ramp way grating. Doc gets up and picks Justin up. He walks both of them further up the ramp way. Justin is able to pull himself free of the giant man. Justin, from out of nowhere, lands a superkick that causes Doc to stumble backwards and fall right over the edge of the ramp way. Justin runs to the top of the ramp way to get as high as possible. He looks down at the unconscious Doc and knows what to do. Justin leaps off the top of the platform for a big splash. However, at the last second, Doc moves. Justin hits hard and both men struggle to get up. At his point, Conrad Bergan is at a 7 count.)

Dustin: That’s what happens when you’re a pathetically stupid person and you don’t come into these matches with a game plan.

Peter: I think the game plan for both men was to outside the other.

Dustin: Yeah, cows try to outshine one another by producing more milk. They have tiny brains. What are these wrestlers’ excuses?

(Conrad continues his count: 8, 9, 10!)

WINNER: NO CONTEST, DOUBLE COUNT OUT IN 7:33

Shaden: Both of those men did a great job in their debut EWA matches! Neither was letting the other take advantage and that’s a great thing in this business if you want to make a name for yourself.

Dustin: Let’s just cut to commercial. This monstrosity of a night is almost over.

(Show cuts to commercial and we see commercials for Playstation 2, the MLB All-Star Game, Cat’s and Dogs, and Gatorade.)

Peter: We’re back and we’ve removed all the obstacles that it takes to get to the main event.

Dustin: Each “obstacle” was more painful than the last.

Shaden: You’re quite unfair to these matches. Many of them were absolutely great.

Dustin: Yeah, okay. I… um… believe you. This card has sucked. I got my ass kicked for touching a woman’s breast! What’s up with that?!

Shaden: She didn’t tell you it was okay to.

Dustin: I do it all the time and don’t get my ass kicked!

Peter: You do it all the time?

Shaden: Er, um… I mean… crap.

(Shaden slaps Dustin in the face.)

Dustin: Please, just get to the next match.

(Mark Scott is in the ring.)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the Television Title. Introducing first, weighing in at 205 pounds and hailing from Columbia, Mississippi, the challenger: ZANE ALEXANDER!

("Calm Like a Bomb" by Rage Against the Machine plays over the PA as Zane walk out onto the ramp. Kendall Rhodes walks out behind him. Red and Blue pyros go off behind then as they walk to the ring. The fans are cheering as the two wrestlers high five them on the way to the ring. Kendall sits ring side as Zane enters the ring.)

Mark Scott: And his opponent, hailing from Indianapolis, Indiana and weighing in at 288 pounds, the champion: “THE PIED PIPER” KURT VISCONTY!

("Stardog Champion" By Mother Love Bone starts to play as the fans come to their feet in anticipation of the Greatest TV Champion of All Time, the "Pied Piper" Kirk Visconty. The Extreme-o-Tron lights up to show Piper's cheeser grin and his giggle echoes through the arena. The spot light pans to the entrance ramp as Piper casually walks out and looks at the crowd. He starts to laugh and the drops to one knee and flexes to the cheering crowd. Piper then sprints down to ringside and tosses the TV Title at the timekeeper before sliding into the ring.)

Peter: And we’re off!

(Piper and Zane tie up. From out of the entrance way we see Valykerie walking down. Piper gets Zane in a headlock while Valykerie slowly makes his way down to the ring. Kendall Rhodes is ready to fight if need be. Zane pushes Piper off and into the ropes. When Piper comes back, he’s met with a flying body press. Valykerie has now reached the ring. He walks around it, finds a seat to sit in, and sits down. Meanwhile, Zane picks Piper up. Piper hasn’t been properly beaten up yet, so he fights back. The two go fist to fist with one another. Finally, a fist by Zane rocks Piper backwards. Zane runs up to Piper, who has fallen back into the corner, and hits a tornado DDT.)

Shaden: Zane Alexander is making a very good impression here tonight. He isn’t allowing Piper to get too much momentum going because he knows that with Piper’s ring experience, he could take this match in mere minutes.

Dustin: What the hell is Valykerie doing here, again? This guy has been all over the place today.

Peter: There’s obviously an interest in the TV Title for Valyk.

Dustin: Oh Christ, and now here comes Chad Crase!

(From out of the entrance way comes Chad Crase. He begins walking down to the ring. Zane Alexander picks Piper up in the ring. Zane attempts a belly-to-belly suplex but Piper hits a European uppercut. Piper spins Zane around, crosses Zane’s arms, and hits an Aztec Suplex, bridging it for a pin. Brian Silcox counts: one, kickout.)

Shaden: That was way too early in this match to attempt a pin.

Peter: Zane Alexander wants this win so badly he refuses to stay down any longer than a one count, I’m sure.

(By this time Chad Crase has reached the ring. He, too, walks around. Meanwhile, in the ring, Piper grabs Zane by the hair and slaps him in the face. Zane looks extremely pissed and retaliates with a sharp right hand to Piper's jaw. Piper responds with a left of his own. Zane appears to be at the losing end of this exchange as he staggers back. Piper moves in on him, but Zane lands a quick boot to Piper's gut. Zane bulldog's Piper and rolls up quick and goes for the ropes. As Zane reaches the top, he turns and is greeted by Piper's fist to his gut. Zane doubles over and Piper drags him off the ropes and slams him to the mat. Piper pulls Zane up by his hair and slaps him in the face again and then cocks back his arm and almost decapitates him with a European Uppercut from hell. Piper signals to the crowd and drags Zane to the corner. Piper sets up and delivers his finisher, Pay the Piper.)

Shaden: Could we be seeing the end of this match already?

Dustin: I hope so. Chad Crase has joined us and he smells! He hasn’t taken a shower yet.

(Peter Vexnor offers Crase a head set, but Crase refuses. He stays, staring at the two wrestlers in the ring. Occasionally, he looks over at Valykerie.)

Peter: Well, I guess he isn’t here to commentate.

Dustin: Why is the TV Title suddenly so wanted? It’s, like, the worst title ever!

(Piper now has Zane perfectly set up for Pay the Piper. He looks over and sees Chad Crase. He looks to his left and sees Valykerie. In this second and a half, Zane comes to. Zane punches Piper in the side of the ring three times. He then pulls away from Piper and pushes Piper backwards, off the turnbuckle. Zane leaps off the top rope, once Piper lands, and hits a somersault leg drop. The fans are going wild. Zane soaks it all in and the grabs Piper by the hair and picks him up. Zane hits a few elbows to Piper’s face. Zane then whips Piper into the ropes. Piper leap frogs Zane. Zane drops to the ground and Piper hops over him. When Piper returns from the ropes, he’s met with a twisting head scissors that sends him skidding.)

Shaden: Zane Alexander is not only impressing the fans, he’s making an impression on Piper’s IDJIT ass!

Dustin: What is he doing to Piper’s ass?!

(Zane picks Piper up. Zane backs Piper into the corner with a viscous series of knife-edge chops. He grabs Piper and tries to Irish whip him into the opposite corner, but Piper reverses it and slings him into the corner instead. As Zane slams into the corner and staggers out, he is greeted by a Swan Song from Piper. Piper stands and signals to the crowd that it is time to Pay the Piper. Piper grabs Zane and chucks him into the corner again and then starts to set him on the top rope. Piper moves in behind Zane to deliver the finisher, but Zane elbows Piper in the chops. A few more elbows and Piper falls back into the ring. Zane stands up on the top ropes and comes off with a shooting star press, but lands on Piper's knees as he pulls them up to protect himself.)

Dustin: That’s two attempts by Piper to hit his finisher and that’s twice Zane hasn’t allowed it. Maybe it’s time to get a better finisher.

Peter: Maybe it’s time for you to shut the hell up, hillbilly. Zane knows exactly when he’s in trouble. A lot of wrestlers get dazed in a match and don’t come out of that daze, but Zane won’t let himself get too out of it.

Shaden: When a title is on the line, no one works harder than the rookie that wants to prove himself.

(Piper gets up and picks Zane up. He whips Zane into the ropes and hits a sidewalk slam. The fans are going nuts. The force from the impact helps Piper stand. He stumbles forward a little. He turns around and picks Zane up. He wraps his arms around Zane’s waist and hits a belly-to-belly overhead release suplex. Piper stands up quickly, picks Zane up. and hits a double underhook suplex.)

Peter: Wow, when did Piper become the suplex master?

(Piper goes for the pin and Silcox counts the pin: one, two, kickout.)

Dustin: Didn’t you say something about Zane Alexander, the man with two first names, both of which suck, not allowing the count to reach a 2 count?

(In the ring, Piper picks Zane up. Piper DDT’s Zane. Piper slides out of the ring to figure out why Valykerie and Chad Crase are here. He walks over to Valykerie and the two exchange a few words. Piper then goes to Crase. Crase just smiles. Piper says something else, but Crase only smiles again. Piper gets really pissed and just turns around. When he turns around, he meets a missile drop kick from Zane Alexander that causes Piper to fly into the ring barrier.)

Peter: Woah! What a dropkick! Or, as Tony Shivonie would say: SIDEWALK SLAM! SIDEWALK SLAM!

Dustin: (Yelling to Piper) That’s what you get for being a jackass.

(Zane takes Piper and slams his face into the ring barrier. He then leads Piper back to the ring and rolls him in. Zane begins to climb the top rope. When he reaches the top rope, he waits for Piper to stand up. The second Piper’s wobbly ass stands, Zane leaps off for The Gift of Zander. At the last second, Piper turns to see what is happening. He falls straight on his back and Zane flies harmlessly overhead. Of course, Zane’s landing is very painful as he crumples up on the ground. Now it’s time for Piper to take advantage.)

Peter: It’s absolutely critical in a title match like this that you do not, I repeat, DO NOT mess up on THE most important move of the match!

Dustin: Zane’s young and stupid. He has plenty of years ahead of him to miss many moves.

(Meanwhile, in the ring, Piper has escorted the young Zane Alexander to he turnbuckle. The two begin to get up top. Piper gives the sign for his finisher. Once both of them are up top, Zane begins fighting back. Like last time, Zane punches Piper three times in the side of the ribs. This time, however, Piper knees Zane Alexander in the stomach. With that, he executes Pay the Piper, much to the crowd’s chagrin.)

Shaden: This is it! This match is over!

(Piper rolls onto Zane for the pin. Silcox counts: one, two, three… NOOO! Zane Alexander kicks out!)

Peter: Remarkable! Absolutely remarkable! Zane Alexander kicked out of Piper’s much-feared finisher.

Dustin: I’m not afraid of his finisher.

Shaden: The only reason you’re not afraid is you’re not a wrestler and you know you’ll never have to fight Piper.

Peter: That’s not entirely true. I heard backstage that Piper really wanted to kick Dustin’s ass.

Dustin: What?!

(Piper gets up, a very angry look on his face. He picks Zane up and proceeds to hit the rolling German Suplex, landing five. Piper than escorts Zane over to the turnbuckle again and the two start to climb.)

Peter: Oh no! He can’t be trying this again! One Pay the Piper is enough but two?! Two?! And, on top of that, five rolling suplexes?!

(Piper has Zane perfectly set up for Pay the Piper. He is about to hit the finisher when Zane is able to pull free. Piper falls backwards and Zane, without a second of hesitation, leaps off the top rope, landing a Senton Bomb on Piper. Piper rolls around in pain as Zane, who is still disorientated, stands up and stumbles against the ropes, using them to hold him up. For 23 seconds, Zane and Piper both rest. Piper gets to his knees as Zane turns around. Piper, too, is using the ropes to keep him up. Zane sees his opportunity. With Piper’s back to him, Zane rushes at the Television Champ and hits a bronco buster on the ropes. Flashbulbs go off spastically.)

Shaden: What Zane Alexander posses is greater than most talented wrestlers have: heart. And heart will carry you through any situation.

Peter: Zane came into this match wanting to win and he is doing his best to do so tonight. And, even if he doesn’t win… if he loses, he will have proved a lot more than he probably expected to because he kicked out of Piper’s finisher.

(In the ring, Zane grabs Piper by the hair and puts him between his legs. What follows is a sloppy piledriver followed by a pin. Silcox counts: one, two, kickout! Zane, very angrily, picks Piper up. He whips him into the ropes and, upon Piper’s return, Zane executes a picture perfect superkick. Zane begins to climb the ropes. Piper looks dazed as Zane reaches the top and comes off with his finisher, The Gift of Zander. Piper barely manages to duck it and grabs Zane from behind with a sleeper hold. Zane flails his arms as Piper jerks him back and forth violently. Laughing, Piper sets and delivers the Idjit Buster. Piper stands up, giggles, and looks down at Zane as he flops around on the mat, holding his neck. Piper turns and flexes to the crowd as he cheeses away.)

Peter: The fact that Zane is still in this match after receiving one Pay the Piper, five German suplexes in a row, and an Idjit Buster shows just how much he wants this title.

Dustin: No, it just shows that Zane is a moron and that he’s getting his ass kicked but refuses to give up.

Shaden: That’s a good thing. That’s not stupidity.

Dustim: Okay, okay. I may be wrong, but I’d much rather keep my jaw in tact than have it shattered but for my pride to be unbroken. Maybe I’m not a “normal” person, but I prefer not being in pain over being in pain.

(Piper drops to his knees and goes for the pin on Zane. Silcox counts: one, two, kickout. Piper bangs his fist against the mat in anger. Piper stands up and turns around, looking at the turnbuckle. Her turns back to receive a low blow from Zane Alexander. Zane jumps up and unleashes a three-kick combo to the side of Piper’s head. Piper is very dazed. Zane runs to the turnbuckle, jumps to the top, and comes off with his finisher, The Gift of Zander. This move pegs Piper right in the head. Zane stands up, the fans chanting “ZANE, ZANE, ZANE.” He lets it all soak in for a few seconds, then turns, drops to his knees, and goes for the pin. Silcox counts: one…. Then the bell rings.)

Shaden: Wait, what is going on?

Peter: What’s happening?

Dustin: (Laughing) Oh my God, I can’t believe it! I can’t freaking believe it! This match is over!

WINNER: TIME LIMIT DRAW IN 15:00

(Inside the ring, Zane Alexander looks very pissed. Kendall Rhodes slides in the ring and the two begin kicking the crap out of Piper.)

Peter: That is unfair! That is completely unfair! Zane Alexander earned the Television Title tonight!

Dustin: Well, if he hadn’t been such a jackass and pinned Piper the second he hit his finisher, Zane would be hoisting the TV Title over his head right now.

Dustin: What a terrible way to end a great night, with a great, up-and-coming superstar getting screwed out of the title.

Peter: That’s all the time we have for you this week. Tune in next week. For Dustin Larson and Shaden Rose, I’m Peter Vexnor, have a good night, ladies and gentlemen!

(Black)