(After the show’s opening segment ends, blue, black, and white pyros shoot off in a line down each side of the ramp way. When they reach the bottom of the ramp way, yellow pyros shoot off from opposite sides of the platform. “EWA Body Count” appears over the screen. A zipper zips the logo in half (like a body bag, get it?) and it disappears. The camera shows shots of the screaming St. Louis audience. Signs are up like “WHEN ARE THE 3 ITALIAN CHICKS GOING TO GANG BANG ME?” (you also see security rushing for that guy), “I KNOW WHY SHADOWFLARE’S ASS IS “BLACK AND BLUE”, MD I’M LOOKING AT YOU!”, and “THE SAMOAN WARRIOR… I’M TIRED OF MAKING FUN OF THAT FAT GUY!” The camera cuts to the three announcers.)
Peter Vexnor: We’re three days removed from a shocking Sunday Night Extreme and tonight has just as much promise!
Dustin Larson: We’re back from a week of off time. I got so much tang, it ruled!
Shaden Rose: I can tell you did, Dustin… your upper lip has been orange since you got here this morning. Did you know that tang is the official drink of the astronauts?
Dustin Larson: Not that kind of tang!
Shaden Rose: Oh, well, in that case: you’re a liar!
Peter Vexnor: One thing that definitely is not a lie tonight is that this is one of the most amazing cards we’ve ever had!
Dustin Larson: (Sarcastically) Smooth segway, penis.
Shaden Rose: I’ve got him at one-twenty three.
Dustin Larson: What?
Peter Vexnor: Dammit! I’m out ten dollars!
Dustin Larson: What is going on?
Shaden Rose: Peter and I had a little bet going to see how long it would take you to mention your favorite male organ.
Peter Vexnor: The homoeroticism is just flowing!
Dustin Larson: Hey! I heard the world Homo there… what did you say?
Peter Vexnor: (Ignoring Dustin) Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have an amazingly stacked card from top to bottom!
Dustin Larson: And our first match is THE most stacked! Giovanna “Sicilian Goddess” Bartuzzinni will be taking on the sexy “Sassy” Summer Kensington!
Shaden Rose: Hey now, calm those hormones down, buddy.
Dustin Larson: Don’t worry, with the second match, I will. (Sexual inuendo) They say what goes up…. unfortunately must come down and with Eric “The Sexacutioner” HA…. vs… The Samoan Warrior, ighhhhh…. I’ll “calm” down.
Peter Vexnor: But I’m sure you’ll have no problem with the third match of the night, right?
Shaden Rose: Oh, God, don’t let him get started!
Dustin Larson: Oh, hell yeah! I always love to see a little man on woman action and I especially love seeing a handsome man like “The Answer” Christian Hawke taking on a beauty like Trish “The Terror” Brooks.
Peter Vexnor: Did you just call Christian Hawke handsome?
Shaden Rose: Yeah, did I just hear a little slip-up, Dustin?
Dustin Larson: (Pretend laughing) You guys are great! Maybe you need to wipe that ear wax our of your…. Ears… Yeah! Hey, Q-Tip just called, they want you guys as spokes models. (Starts laughing, trying to conceal his comment.)
Peter Vexnor: (Not sure what to make of it) Right… Well, anyway, in our pre-Main Event, we have “The WidowMaker” Draven Genocide facing K’Van Knight.
Shaden Rose: That match has about as much heat behind it as a frigid Eskimo lesbian.
Dustin Larson: Brrr… we’re gonna get a call from GLAAD now, thank you very much, Shaden!
Shaden Rose: GLAAD can shove it up their…
Peter Vexnor: Whoa, back off! We do have to please the affiliates if we want to continue to be a nationally syndicated show.
Shaden Rose: Sorry, but they’ve tried to recruit me before.
Dustin Larson: You’re gay?
Shaden Rose: No, Dammit! Now drop it.
Dustin Larson: I’d be GLAAD to, MISS Rose.
Peter Vexnor: Will you two quit your bickering, you’re both gay, now leave it at that.
02 and Shaden Rose: HEY!
Peter Vexnor: Ladies and gentlemen, our Main Event is of epic proportions. It’s the first singles clash between Valykerie and Shadowflare.
Dustin Larson: Twenty-to-one that it is just as horrible as the Monotinous Death vs. Shadowflare fight.
Shaden Rose: You forget, though, Dustin, that MD and Shad had a plan all along. They didn’t actually want to fight.
Dustin Larson: Yeah, well, I don’t trust Valykerie, either. I mean, I’d love to see him drop his petty little feud with Shadowflare because Shad is my hero, the guys a freaking stud!
Peter Vexnor: I really doubt that Valykerie is on the same side with Shadowflare. The two men despise one another.
Dustin Larson: Okay, fine… let me lay down a bet for you two. If, tonight, Shadowflare and Valykerie go no contest or Shadowflare wins FAIRLY, I win and I prove to you that Valykerie is on Shad’s side.
Shaden Rose: Beat him fairly? That’s not going to happen! I’ll take you on that bet!
Peter Vexnor: Yeah, I’ll agree to that bet, too.
Dustin Larson: Good, because I’m almost assured that Valykerie is going to lose to Shadowflare and then reveal that he’s an EoD member. You can fool a jokester twice, it just doesn’t work.
Peter Vexnor: You’re already way ahead of yourself, buddy. The main event is a long ways away. And, at this time we’re going to get to our firs…
(Peter is cut off by “My Way” by Limp Bizkit. Out from behind the curtains emerges Alexander Ruff. He is wearing his normal wrestling gear of traditional tights with gold writing. The writing reads: “Total Devastation.” He has a knee brace on his right knee. It, too, is gold. He also has black wrestling boots and black elbow and knee pads. His hairs is ponytailed in the back. He has a mic already in hand. He stops at the top of the ramp way and begins to speak.)
Alexander Ruff: Last Monday, I had a meeting with the president of this fed: My good ol' friend Izzy. I told him I was disappointed and was sure all you fans were disappointed with the way I was treated on the plane. I could not believe, they wanted me to sit with people just like you.
(That crowd boos.)
Alexander Ruff: Come on, I'm rich and I'm famous. I hope you don't expect me to be treated with such disrespect.
(The booing grows louder.)
Alexander Ruff: Look, I was raised and schooled in better places then you, so I should be treated better then you. Anyway, that's all besides the point of the meeting. Izzy promised me that the happenings of this week will never ever reproduce themselves.
Peter Vexnor: Did anyone just understand what he just said.
Shaden Rose: No.
Dustin Larson: He’s saying he went to a better school than me and he talks like that?
(The crowd is reanimated with boos.)
Alexander Ruff: Now, you all heard my theme??? Well like the chorus says, "It's My WAY" and that the fed this fed is going to be. I have the money so I'm damn sure everything is going to go my way. (With that he drops the mic. The music starts playing again and the ring is being covered by falling dollars. He makes his way to the ring. Once in side, he picks up a couple of bills and smells it and starts to laugh.)
Dustin Larson: (Sarcastically) IT’S AMAZING! IT’S MONUMENTAL! ALEXANDER RUFF JUST DROPPED 100 ONE-DOLLAR BILLS TO THE RING! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! OH MY GOD!
Peter Vexnor: Think we should tell this guy how much we make?
Shaden Rose: Let’s not break his heart just yet, guys.
Dustin Larson: This is the part of the show were we usually talk about what the wrestler just said, but lets go to commercial instead.
Shaden Rose: Good idea.
(The show cuts to commercial. We see commercials for Gatorade (I LOVE YOU GATORADE), Energizer Batteries, Legos, and the upcoming EWA Pay-per-view: EWA SHADY INTENTIONS)
Peter Vexnor: We’re back and moments ago Alexander Ruff gave an interview where he stated it would be his way or the highway. Anyone want to talk about it?
Shaden Rose: No.
Dustin Larson: No.
Peter Vexnor: Alrighty then, let’s get to our first match of the night, shall we?
Dustin Larson: SURE! Shaden and I have been dying to get to this match!
Shaden Rose: I’M NOT GAY!
(Mark Scott is in the ring.)
Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a normal rules match and it is for one fall. Introducing first, hailing from San Antonio, Texas, and weighing in at an edible 130 pounds: “SASSY” SUMMER KENSINGTON!
Dustin Larson: Right on! Mark just called Summer edible!
(“Hey, Mr. Seeker Hold on to this advice/If you keep seeking you will find/Don't want to follow/Down roads been walked before/It's so hard to find unopened doors/Are you ready?/Are you ready? For us to come….”)
(Out from behind the curtain steps The “SASSY” One. She is wearing a black, leather tank top and matching short shorts. On the back of the shorts are the words “Wolfgang” printed in dark red and on the front of the shirt, right over her left side is a small emblem of a heart, with the words “Wolfgang” on top and “Property” underneath. Right in the middle of the heart, is a “Hawk.” Not letters, but a true picture of a Hawk. With her steps out The “Franchise.” The two make there way out slowly as….”Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one Count down to the change in life that's soon to come. Your life has just begun…”)
”Are You Ready” by Creed echoes throughout the arena. Hawke and Sassy step out to ringside. The two make their way to the ring, as Hawke steps up to the apron holding the ropes for Sassy. Sassy steps in the middle of the ring, and takes the mic from Mark Scott.
“Sassy” Summer Kensington: Well, Sunday night, we all witnessed a true showing of deceit, betrayal, and what it takes to be a TRUE ASSHOLE. Gyon, what you did to Johnny was a disgrace and rest assured Gyon, you won’t get off that easily!
(“Sassy” tosses the mic back to Mark.)
Mark Scott: (Squeakily) And… (Clearing his throat) And her opponent, weighing in at 140 pounds and hailing from Cantania, Sicily, Italy: GIOVANNA “SICILIAN GODDES” BARTUZZINNI!
(Traditional sounding Italian music plays on the speakers as the Hit Women Tri Colori walks through the curtains to a mix of cheers and boos. Alexandra and Santina come through the curtains first, wearing matching Italian flag colored vinyl sports bras and black, skin tight, vinyl pants. But the audience mixed reaction suddenly turns to cheers from the male fans when they see Giovanna enter in a green, white, and red vinyl thong bikini. She struts down to the ring very cocky as the fans reach for her but she and the other two cuss at the fans in Italian which, again, brings out some boos. Alexandra and Santina wait outside the ring while Giovanna enters the ring and struts around some more very cocky. Some fan yells something to Giovanna, but Giovanna takes her hand and kisses it then rubs it on one of her bare butt cheeks towards the fans.)
Dustin Larson: Talk about an entrance for Giovanna! I don’t think I’ll be able to stand for hours!
Shaden Rose: What are you talking about? She’s in her first match and wearing a thong! She’s a whore!
Dustin Larson: Mix in the fact that these three need green cards, and they don’t know any better, and I might get some tonight!
Peter Vexnor: You have as much chance of “getting some” as the Phillies had a chance for winning the NBA Finals.
Shaden Rose: Phillies? Do you know what the hell you’re talking about, Peter. It’s 76ers.
Peter Vexnor: Yeah… no… I… yeah. Just back off!
(Inside the ring, Giovanna (I’m gonna call her GB from now on, damn whoever the handler is for making it difficult for me to type her damn name!) runs at Summer (that’s easy to spell, yay!) but Summer ducks. GB turns around and Summer connects with a couple of hard rights to her cheek. This obviously catches GB off guard. GB turns around and Summer runs up behind her and rakes her back. GB falls to her knees, grabbing at her back. Summer rakes GB’s back, again.)
Peter Vexnor: I had high hopes for this match. I’ve seen Summer beat men before and I’ve heard wonderful things about this rookie, but this is nothing more than a cat fight!
Dustin Larson: How can you be disappointed?! Giovanna is in a thong-thong-thong-thong-thong!
(Summer picks GB up and rakes her eyes. She grabs GB by the hair and tosses her head over heels. GB slides to the other side of the ring. Summer picks GB up and does the same, GB skids across the ring. Summer picks GB up and begins to climb the turnbuckle, holding GB’s arm the entire time. Summer begins to walk the top rope. She reaches the middle with GB’s arm wrenched. Summer does a summersault off the top rope causing GB to flip head over heels. GB lands spread eagle.)
Dustin Larson: Oh my GOD! I think I’m in love!
(Summer picks GB up and attempts to whip her into the corner. However, GB reverses only to have Summer reverse it again. GB goes into the turnbuckle, trying to do a handspring to be able to bounce back (think Essa Rios). However, GB obviously hasn’t practiced this move enough. She gets stuck in the tree of woe! Summer turns and sees this. She runs at GB and hits a vicious baseball slide. Blood starts pouring out of GB’s eye. Summer, still on the attack, climbs the… crotch of GB. GB is screaming in pain.)
Peter Vexnor: She’s bleeding from the eye! Summer must have burst a vein near her eye!
Dustin Larson: SUMMER $%^$ED WITH GIOVANNA’S BEAUTIFUL FACE! Shaden Rose: Cry me a river.
Dustin Larson: I might actually cry if it wasn’t for Giovanna’s perfect ass still being in perfect shape!
(Summer drops down to the ring and lets GB down. Summer whips GB into the ropes. Upon her return, GB is scoop slammed. Summer quickly goes to GB’s legs and puts her in a sharpshooter.)
Peter Vexnor: That’s John “The Beast” Steele’s move! That’s The Jaws of Steele!
Dustin Larson: That’s two beautiful women locking their legs together.
Shaden Rose: And that’s Dustin being a huge pervert!
(GB is screaming in pain as the camera closes in on the blood gushing out of her eyeball. It’s rather disgusting, but, you know. It’s all good. GB’s arms begin flailing around. She knows she’s close to the ropes in some way. Finally, her hand touches one of the bottom ropes and she holds on for dear life. Conrad Bergan begins to yell at Summer Kensington to let the move go. It takes her a few minutes, but Summer finally lets go. Summer grabs GB’s leg and pulls her to the center of the ring. She then applies the Crippler Crossface.)
Shaden Rose: That’s another John Steele submission move! That’s “The Maul!”
Peter Vexnor: He obviously taught her well.
(Sassy has the move locked in very well. GB is screaming in pain. GB, however, refuses to tap out. Sassy pulls back on GB’s head a few times in frustration. Finally, Sassy lowers her wrists to right around GB’s nose, trying to break it. GB finally stops fighting and Conrad lifts her arm to make the count: one, two, three!)
WINNER: “SASSY” SUMMER KENSINGTON
Peter Vexnor: This wasn’t a match! This was a massacre! “Sassy” Summer Kensington has been in a rage lately, folks. She’s not only been angry about having to vacate her Cruiserweight Title in the W4 when she was the undefeated champ, but with Gyon turning on the Wolfgang, she’s become very testy.
Dustin Larson: I think she may have a pair of testes! That was some brutal fighting. I’ve never seen a woman fight like that before.
Shaden Rose: I’ve never seen a woman fight like that before on television. Kensington is after blood!
Peter Vexnor: She certainly got some tonight, what with the blood gushing from Giovanna Bartuzzinni’s eye. That’s just horrific.
Dustin Larson: Horrific indeed, but that’s why you only stare at her ass.
Shaden Rose: It’s time for another commercial, thank God!
(The show cuts to commercials. We see commercials for the new Train album, EWA: SHADY INTENTIONS, and Gatorade.)
Dustin Larson: We’re back and tonight’s match, I can promise, is going to be ten thousand times worse than the previous one. Not in terms of brutality, because both of these guys are flaming pussies, but because neither of them are doable.
Shaden Rose: My God, you’re a filthy mouthed cretin!
Dustin Larson: My mouth is very useful, thank you very much. Made many a woman happy.
Shaden Rose: Not counting immediate family… how many women?
(Peter cracks up laughing)
Dustin Larson: Shut up!
(Mark Scott is in the ring.)
Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is a regular rules match and is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, a new comer to the EWA, standing at an amazing seven feet and weighing in at 325 pounds: ERIC “THE SEXACUTIONER.”
(“Last Resort” by Papa Roach plays over the arena sound system as an intimidating figure, Eric “The Sexacutioner” steps out from behind the curtains. He has scars no his face that you assume are from previous federation fights. His black trench coat against his pale skin makes him seem almost dead.)
Shaden Rose: The Sexacutioner? There’s no way that guy gets any more than Dustin and that’s a bicentennial event!
Dustin Larson: Hey, there’s no need for mud-slinging, lesbian.
(Eric reaches the ring and Mark continues.)
Mark Scott:And his opponent, weighing in at anywhere from 450 pounds to 700 pounds, depending on what he had to eat for lunch, hailing from the American Samoa: THE SAMOAN WARRIOR!
(The Samoan Warrior steps out from the back. Red pyros shoot off from the sides of the ramp way. His stomach jiggles with each step he takes as his belly hangs out over his black shorts. You think to yourself “How does this man pee?”)
Peter Vexnor: Is Mark drunk? He is definitely not his professional self lately.
Dustin Larson: Back off the man, he’s hysterical. He’s almost as funny as me!
(The Samoan Warrior slides into the ring and the match immediately starts. Eric “The Sexacutioner” lays boots to the back of the Warrior’s head. Eric picks the Warrior up and whips him into the ropes. Eric telegraphs a back body drop and gets a boot to the face by the Warrior. The Warrior then hits a swinging neckbreaker on him. The Warrior gets up and lands a few old school elbow drops to Eric’s sternum.)
Peter Vexnor: Marvelous strategy by The Samoan Warrior.
Dustin Larson: WHY?! Why does he fall down, jiggle, get up, jiggle, only to fall down and jiggle, again?! It’s so disgusting!
Peter Vexnor: Well, if you weren’t always staring at everyone’s breasts, no matter what sex, this match would be a lot more bearable. Trust me!
Shaden Rose: He never thought about that!
Dustin Larson: The sad thing is that she’s right. I never did think about that.
(The Samoan Warrior gets up and begins to climb the turnbuckle. He’s a fat man and therefore, a slow man. Eric is up just as the Warrior reaches the top rope. Eric takes the Warrior’s legs out from underneath him. The Warrior hits his chin on the turnbuckle. The Samoan Warrior stumbles backwards. Eric runs at him and hits a lariat that causes the Warrior to do a 360 spin. Eric picks The Warrior up and hits a very weak scoop slam (remember that The Warrior is 125 pounds heavier.) Eric hits a leg drop on The Warrior.)
Shaden Rose: I’ve watched a few tapes of this Eric guy and really is an amazing wrestler. He’s held 17 World Heavyweight Titles in other feds. Granted, none of those feds mean what the EWA mean, but that’s still an amazing number.
Peter Vexnor: He’s not only intimidating, but he’s a real wrestler. That’s very rare today.
(Eric whips the Warrior into the ropes but it’s reversed. Eric leap frogs the Warrior. Eric returns to jumping shoulder block from the Warrior. Eric and Warrior both go down. Warrior is up first and picks Eric up. He places Eric in an abdominal stretch. Eric begins to scream in pain. It isn’t long before he reaches the ropes.)
Peter Vexnor: We’re seeing a very well fought, well planned out match between these two. Eric obviously wants to make a notch for himself in the EWA by defeating The Samoan Warrior while the Warrior doesn’t want to lose to a rookie, especially with all the losses he’s racked up lately.
Dustin Larson: To beat The Samoan Warrior isn’t that hard. Just stand there for a few minutes while he lands a bunch of weak moves on you and by that time he’ll be so tired you just have to yell at him to roll over and he will. Then, you pin him.
Shaden Rose: Give The Warrior some credit. He is a great wrestler. He’s conditioned to be chubby. He’s just like those sumo wrestlers. They’re all very heavy but all are very healthy. They’re probably healthier than you, Dustin.
(Warrior lays a few knees to Eric’s kidneys. Eric turns around with a roundhouse right, knocking the Warrior on his ass. Eric kicks Warrior in the forehead and begins to climb the ropes. Eric signals that he’s going to hit a big splash and jumps off. However, the Warrior moved just in time. The Warrior gets up quickly, as does Eric. Both run at each other and both hit a clothesline on the other. Both go down and Kyle Lake begins the count: one, two…)
Peter Vexnor: Well, there’s one way not to win.
Shaden Rose: Yeah, one way to show the world you suck. What a simple move to counter! But what does Eric do?! He takes it like a little…
Dustin Larson: Filthy. I love it!
(Kyle Lake is at the six count as Eric begins to move. Seven, eight… and Eric is up while The Warrior is on his knees. Eric grabs underneath the Warrior’s chin and lays a few punches to the Warrior’s face. He kicks the Warrior a few times in the chest and then picks him up and hits a very weak piledriver. Eric goes for the pin. Kyle counts: one, two, kickout!)
Shaden Rose: That was no surprising kick out. That was just a horrible excuse of a piledriver by “The Sexacutioner.” He obviously doesn’t realize the level of talent the EWA possesses.
(Eric picks The Samoan Warrior up. The two begins exchanging punches. The crowd’s excitement grows. Finally, the Warrior gets the upper hand. He whips himself into the ropes, ready for a running neckbreaker, but Eric slips out of it, runs into the ropes, turns around, ready for a clothesline, but instead gets a superkick.)
Dustin Larson: I can’t believe The Samoan Warrior can hit a superkick!
Peter Vexnor: That truly is a difficult move to hit, especially since the Warrior is facing a 7 foot giant.
Dustin Larson: Well, yeah, I guess. But I meant because the Warrior’s upper body is so heavy, I’m surprised he can bend over so far and not fall flat on his head.
Shaden Rose: You measuring up The Samoan Warrior for later tonight?
Dustin Larson: I’d be GLAAD to continue to fight with you but… (Dropping the subtlety in his diss.) GLAAD, GLAAD, GLAAD… lesbian.
(In the ring, The Samoan Warrior has pulled Eric “The Sexacutioner” all the way over to the turnbuckle, ready to hit he Bonsai drop. The Warrior is on the second turnbuckle. He jumps and lands on… nothing! Eric rolled out of the way and is quick on the assault. He grabs the Warrior by the hair and throws his head backwards, into the mat. Eric hits an elbow drop on the Warrior’s neck. He picks the Warrior up and signals for the Prelude. The crowd is going nuts. Eric hits The Prelude, albeit a weak version of it. Eric signals for the End of Days.)
Shaden Rose: Is this man brain dead? You can’t powerbomb The Samoan Warrior!
Dustin Larson: No way in hell he’ll get him beat like that. The Warrior is going to counter!
(It takes Eric three attempts to get the Warrior up, but finally he does. Then, his legs collapse and the two fall together. The Samoan Warrior crushes his chest. The force, however, causes the Warrior to stand up and, with momentum still, go running into the ring ropes. Warrior falls backwards, his arm landing on Eric’s chest. Eric’s hand falls on The Warriors. Kyle counts: one, two, three!)
WINNER: DRAW – DOUBLE PIN
Dustin Larson: Well that was as much of a waste of my time as Alexander Ruff!
Peter Vexnor: What a great jumping off point for a feud, though, guys, right? I mean, “The Sexacutioner” has nothing better to do, right?
Shaden Rose: Probably not. But I feel like we’re making super obvious hints that these two should start a feud, or something.
Dustin Larson: Yeah, kinda feels that way, doesn’t it?
(Show cuts to commercial. We see commercials for the MTV TRL Summer Tour, Save the Last Dance video rentals at Safeway, Gatorade, and one for EWA Shady Intentions.)
Peter Vexnor: Ladies and gentlemen, and Dustin alike, I’ve just found out some heartbreaking news. It appears as though Trish “The Terror” Brooks has retired from the world of wrestling because of her quest for female rights going nowhere.
Dustin Larson: Figures. Just like a chick to quit halfway through, you know?
Shaden Rose: Just back off, buster. That’s not entirely correct. We don’t always quit… just when we know we’re going to lose. At least we have brains. You guys fight wars and die for a cause you’ll lose!
Dustin Larson: Yeah, but that’s not going to bring back your precious eye candy, Shaden! Trish is gone! Get over it!
Shaden Rose: Back off unless you want me to circumcise you!
Dustin Larson: Kinky! Me likey!
Shaden Rose: CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!
Peter Vexnor: Well, guys. I guess, since Brooks has retired, that tonight’s mach with Hawke won’t take place.
("Don't Drag Me Down" By Social Distortion plays over the stereo system and the crowd is a little curious on why Katne is making his way to the ring. Katne is wearing a red shirt that has NVC written on it in black. He has black, jean short pants on and is smiling like he is extremely happy. He has a microphone and makes his way to the center of the ring.)
Katne: Now don't be too surprised, you guys! I know that I haven't really been interviewing lately but I can explain. You see, I didn't think that it would be important for me to send one in because I don't want the tag titles and I didn't have anything to say about it. And I have never been booked since. Now...
(Katne sighs.)
Katne: Now, since Trish Brooks has retired from wrestling, which I am saddened to hear, I have come out here to entertain the crowd, by getting my first singles victory over Christian Hawke! (The audience bust up laughing. Suddenly, hard house techno music begins to play. Christian Hawke comes running out from the back, Mark Scott doesn’t even announce him. Hawke slides in and stands up. He punches Katne in the face and Katne goes down fast.)
Peter Vexnor: Is this a match?
Dustin Larson: No! This is a beating.
(Hawke has all the fury of hell in him. He whips Katne into the ropes. Katne leap frogs Hawke but Hawke sends Katne straight up into the air. Katne lands agilely on his feet but Hawke dropkicks him in the back. Hawke picks Katne up and whips him into the ropes. Katne handsprings into the ropes, bounces backwards, and lands a flying elbow on Christian Hawke. Katne wastes no time. He runs into the ropes and jumps off the middle with a moonsault. However, Christian Hawke rolls out of the way. Hawke picks Katne up and lands a backbreaker. Hawke goes for the pin as Aaron Glasky counts: one, two, kickout!)
Shaden Rose: These are the kind of match I like. The kind where no matter how tired they may become, they seem to have infinite strength because they’re pushing their bodies to the limit.
(Hawke picks Katne up. Katne comes up fighting. The two exchange punches. Katne ducks a punch, goes behind Hawke and tries to hit a German suplex. He can’t get Hawke up, however. Hawke lands two elbows to Katne’s head. Katne ducks the third, goes to Hawke’s side, and hits a reverse Russian Leg Sweep. Katne does a standing moonsault and connects. Katne pick Hawke up, puts Hawke between his legs, and attempts a powerbomb. Katne has the audience in stitches.)
Dustin Larson: Katne should be a stand up comic! He can’t freaking powerbomb Hawke! He can’t powerbomb anyone!
(Katne is still trying to powerbomb Hawke. Hawke finally reverses it into a back body drop. Katne is able to land on his feet however, and with the quickness of a field mouse, Katne runs into the ropes. Hawke turns around just in time to see Katne leaping at him. Katne wraps his legs around Hawke, ready to hit the hurricanrana. However, Hawke reverses it into a powerful pinning powerbomb (say that five times fast) that looks painful. Glasky counts: one, two, three!)
WINNER: “THE ANSWER” CHRISTIAN HAWKE Peter Vexnor: Oh my God! I don’t think Katne will be able to eat solid foods for weeks!
Dustin Larson: Serves him right for being a jackass. He wrestles about as well as Trish Brooks.
Shaden Rose: The sad thing is he wrestles with ten times more heart than anyone else, but he also wrestles ten times #$#^&er than anyone.
(Show cuts to commercial. We see commercials for the TRL Tour, Gatorade, Lipton Iced Tea, Victoria’s Secret, and EWA Shady Intentions.)
Dustin Larson: I don’t want to waste anymore time, lets get to this pre-main event.
Peter Vexnor: Hold your horses, let’s talk about it first.
Dustin Larson: No, no talk. It’s gonna suck. I just want to get through it so we can get to the Shadowflare/Valykerie match and I can win my bet.
Shaden Rose: Two things, fat head. First, this match is going to be amazing. Second… You’re not going to win your bet!
Peter Vexnor: Shaden’s right, on both accounts. Draven is an amazing wrestler and K’van is an up and comer. And, you’re not going to win that bet.
Dustin Larson: Double or nothing? Let’s say, $70,000.
Shaden Rose: Did you fail math? When did we say it was a $35,000 bet?
Dustin Larson: It’s not that I failed math so much as I never actually knew that “double or nothing” meant.
Peter Vexnor: One way or another, there’s no way I’m going to take your paycheck from you.
Shaden Rose: Well, let’s get down to the ring, shall we?
(Mark Scott is in the ring.)
Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a boring… whoops… singles match scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at 255 pounds and hailing from Memphis, Tennessee: “THE WIDOWMAKER” DRAVEN GENOCIDE!
(“One” by Metallica plays over the arena sound system. Draven comes out, giving the fans high-fives as pyros splash over him. Each step he takes, a pyro goes off behind him, almost like they’re following him. He reaches the bottom of the ramp way, runs to the ring, slide in, climbs one of the turnbuckles and pumps his crowd up.)
Mark Scott: And his opponent, a man we know nothing about: K’VAN KNIGHT!
(Pretend you know what K’Van Knight looks like because I sure as hell don’t. The guys comes running down, ready for a fight, and slides in.)
Shaden Rose: Let’s light this candle and get this match underway!
Peter Vexnor: Let’s hit the bell and begin!
Dustin Larson: Let’s pop this cherry and finger a diddle!
Peter Vexnor: What?!
(Just then, the bell rings and there is no time to explain. Draven and K’Van tie up. Draven kicks K’Van in the stomach. He hits a Japanese Arm Drag. K’Van gets up and Draven hits another Japanese Arm Drag. K’Van gets up again and Draven hits a clothesline. Again, K’Van is up and Draven hits a clothesline.)
Dustin Larson: (Sarcastically) These guys truly have a finger on the pulse of exciting wrestling! Everyone loves boring repetition!
(Just then, Draven picks K’Van up and hits a snap suplex. Draven runs to the ropes and hits an elbow drop on K’Van. Draven whips K’Van into the turnbuckle. Draven brings a few knees into K’Van’s stomach. Draven climbs he turnbuckle and lands ten punches on K’Van. Just then, K’Van, using all his strength, picks Draven up and walks him to the middle of the ring, hitting a powerbomb. K’Van gets up, the crowd cheering him on, an applies an ankle lock on Draven. Draven is way too close to the ropes, however. It only takes him 8 seconds to reach them. Referee Kyle Lake still has to reach a four-count before K’Van lets the hold go, however. K’Van turns to the crowd and lets the cheers soak in. He turns around to a spear by Draven. K’Van’s head bounces off of the mat.)
Dustin Larson: Better get him some of that extra-strength Midol headache, cramp stuff, Shaden.
Shaden Rose: Shut up!
Dustin Larson: Here, I’m sure you have some in your purse. Let me get it for you.
Shaden Rose: Don’t touch my purse!
Dustin Larson: Why? Scared I’ll find a dildo?!
(You hear a slap and an “Oww!” from Dustin.)
(In the ring, K’Van is up and Draven is ready. Draven leaps off the top rope, hitting a dropkick to the back of K’Van’s head. K’Van flies into the opposite turnbuckle. Draven gets up and runs at K’Van as K’Van turns around. K’Van side steps. Draven stops himself before he hits the turnbuckle.)
Dustin Larson: Smart move by the dummy.
(Draven turns around. K’Van and Genocide tie up and K’Van gains the upper hand by kicking Genocide in the stomach. K’Van hits a few elbows to Draven’s back and whips him into the ropes. Genocide leap frogs over K’Van, comes bounding off the ropes again, and hits a spinning head scissors on him. Genocide quickly gets up and starts to climb the top rope. He launches off with a moonsault but K’Van gets his knees up in time. K’Van gets up and walks over to Genocide. He hits a leg drop on him and then picks him up. He lifts Genocide over his head and walks him over to the ring ropes. He takes Draven’s legs out from underneath him, hitting Draven’s neck against the bottom rope. K’Van backs up hits a bronco buster on Draven.)
Peter Vexnor: I can’t believe it! K’Van is doing well. He’s exceeding all my expectations.
Dustin Larson: Mine too, by like, ten thousand percent!
(K’Van has Genocide on his feet now and whips him into the ropes. Genocide reverses and whips K’Van into the ropes. K’Van comes bounding back and Genocide hits a jumping heel kick to K’Van’s face. K’Van stumbles back and Genocide is instantly on the offence again. He’s punches K’Van in the stomach with lefts and rights. Genocide whips K’Van into the ropes and its K’Van’s turn to reverse. Too bad for K’Van, though: he telegraphs a back body drop and Genocide kicks him in the face on his way back. K’Van falls back and Genocide jumps on him, hitting a hurricanrana.)
Shaden Rose: You can’t keep Draven Genocide down, though.
(Draven Genocide has K’Van up and has him at one of the turnbuckles. With a little signal of a twirling hand, Draven hits the Genocide drop. The crowd is going nuts. Draven runs to the turnbuckle, jumps on to the top rope, jumps off, and hits the Web of the Widow Maker. The fans are on their feet as Draven goes for the pin. Lake counts: one, two, three!)
WINNER: DRAVEN GENOCIDE Peter Vexnor: I think Draven just continues to show why he is one of the most beloved wrestlers in the EWA.
Shaden Rose: He’s not only talented, but he’s got a silver tongue.
Dustin Larson: And to our dear friend, Shaden, the tongue is the most important part of the body because her “dates” don’t have a penis!
Shaden Rose: I’m about three seconds away from beating you down!
Peter Vexnor: I’m about two seconds from beating him down.
Dustin Larson: Is it because I’m pointing out the fact that Shaden is a lesbian and you therefore have no chance with her?
Peter Vexnor: No, you know very well that I’m married. But you’re being rude and discourteous.
Dustin Larson: Let’s just get to the commercials so I can school you two.
(Show cuts to commercial. We see Gatorade, South Park, Little Debbie, and EWA Shady Intentions commercials.)
Shaden Rose: We’re back and ready for our main event!
Dustin Larson: You mean, we’re back and ready to prove to everyone that Valykerie and Shadowflare are working together!
Peter Vexnor: We’re back to embarrass you and show everyone just how stupid you are.
Dustin Larson: You seem sure of yourself! How about we get down to the ring and let Mark Scott announce the wrestlers involved!
(Mark Scott is in the ring.)
Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a singles match for the TV Title and it is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at 252 pounds and hailing from Augusta, Maine: SHADOWFLARE!
(“Sun” by Live blasts over the intercom as Shadowflare walks out from behind the curtain. He is wearing an old fashioned EoD T-shirt and his normal black warm-ups. Shadowflare has the EWA World Title wrapped around his waist and the EWA Tag Team Title over his shoulder. He walks to the ring and calls for a microphone. The crowd begins to boo so he throws the microphone back to Mark Scott. The crowd cheers and Shadowflare smiles, and then calls for the microphone again. More booing.)
Shadowflare: Shut up and this will be quick.
(Smart fans stop booing, then the stupid one quiet down.)
Shadowflare: All I have to say right now is that Valykerie has balls, but they are about to get the sh*t kicked out of them. So Valykerie, we have been waiting a long, long time for this match up. So why don’t you just come down here so that we can finish this, the master, the leader, the teacher, will show you that he is still better.
(Shadowflare throws the mic down and gets in a fighting stance.)
Dustin Larson: Shadowflare is going to kick the #$&% out of Valykerie’s balls? That doesn’t make much sense. That’s where semen comes from.
Shaden Rose: And what’s up with this “master” dealy? Sounds kinda erotic.
Peter Vexnor: I heard Shadowflare’s nickname in high school was “Butt Plug McGee.”
(All three announcers laugh as Mark Scott continues.)
Mark Scott: His opponent, who is sure to lose tonight, weighing in at 212 pounds and hailing from Seattle, Washington: VALYKERIE!
(“Leave You Far Behind” blares over the PA system as Valykerie comes out from the back. The crowd is going nuts. He holds his title up for the crowd. Valyk then connects eyes with Shadowflare. Shad’s eyes move to the title and, as he begins to talk down the ramp way, Valyk points at his title, saying something about it. With that, he slides in the ring. The bell rings.)
Peter Vexnor: What is up with Mark? He’s been a lot more vocal today.
Dustin Larson: I think it’s funny.
Shaden Rose: Oh, damn! There was nothing funny about that move!
(In the ring, Shadowflare just got Valykerie down with a forearm that split Valyk’s lip open. Shadowflare drops down on Valyk’s chest with an elbow drop. Shadowflare picks Valyk up and whips him into the ropes. He picks Valyk up for a Samoan Drop, but Valyk squirms out of it. Valyk spins Shadowflare around and dropkicks him in the chest. Shadowflare falls backwards, but not over. Valyk is up in a second and dropkicks Shadowflare, again. Shadowflare falls backwards against the ropes. Valyk gets up and clotheslines Shadowflare over them. On the outside, it takes Shadowflare a while to get up. However, he finally does and Valykerie capitalizes. Valyk runs at the turnbuckle, jumps up, and jumps backwards, all in one swift movement. The end result is one sweet ass moonsault reverse DDTs. The crowd is going nuts.)
Peter Vexnor: I can’t believe the agility of that man! It’s amazing! He seems like a different wrestler tonight, Valykerie does.
Shaden Rose: That’s because there’s a lot between these two and it’s going to be settled tonight.
Dustin Larson: No! That’s because he and Shadowflare are trying to fake some good wrestling so the fans don’t catch on.
(Valykerie picks Shadowflare up and throws him back inside the ring. Valyk slides in the ring and almost immediately locks on the Figure Four. Shadowflare begins flinging his arms wildly, trying to get to the ropes. Referee Brian Silcox checks on Shadowflare. Shad refuses to tap. Finally, after 33 seconds, Shadowflare reaches the ropes.)
Shaden Rose: Valykerie has always had one thing going for him: brains. And to get Shad’s head all boggled with that moonsault DDT and then apply a submission move is pure genius.
Dustin Larson: Oh my God! I think you actually earned your paycheck this week, Shaden! YOU NAMED A MOVE!
Peter Vexnor: So when are you going to earn yours, Dustin?
(Valykerie lets the move go immediately and is up again. He picks Shadowflare up, who is very groggy. Valyk whips himself into the ropes. He’s ready to hit a clothesline on Shad when Shadowflare suddenly comes to life again. He grabs Valyk’s arm and drags him down for an armbar submission. However, Valyk is way to close to the ropes and gets Shad to break the hold immediately. Shadowflare pulls Valyk to the middle of the ring and applies the ankle lock. Valyk is in the move for 16 seconds before his boot finally connects with Shadowflare’s face. Valyk and Shad are both up.)
Peter Vexnor: The two are staring each other in the eyes! That is pure hatred and anger, Dustin. This is not some plan!
Dustin Larson: Shadowflare hasn’t won one match fairly yet, I’m sure. You just watch. Valyk will go down soon!
(The two men tie up in a dramatic fashion. It’s a stand still for eight seconds before Shadowflare finally gets the upper hand. He kicks Valyk in the stomach. Shad drops to his back, while still holding Valyk’s hands, and kicks his feet into Valyk’s stomach, kicking him head over heels. The whole while the two are still holding hands. Both roll over at the same time and stare each other in the eyes. Without letting go of one another’s hands, they stand up. They struggle to get the advantage again. This time, Valyk gets the advantage. He uses his strength to bend Shad backwards. Valyk lets his legs go and thus drives his elbow into Shadowflare’s stomach. The shock causes Shad to let go of Valyk’s hands. Valyk runs into the ropes and comes back, ready to hit an elbow drop, but Shadowflare sits up.)
Dustin Larson: Wasn’t that cute, guys? They were holding hands like friends!
(Shadowflare is up and picks Valyk up. Shadowflare grabs Valyk’s arm and hits a jumping arm breaker. He then applies another armbar. Valyk screams out. It’s 25 seconds before Valyk finally reaches the ropes.)
Shaden Rose: This is a very technical match!
Dustin Larson: Notice how they are just doing a bunch of submission moves? Those can be faked!
Peter Vexnor: Can you not see that Valyk is bleeding>
(Shadowflare is up and kicking at the arm of Valyk that was in the armbar. Shadowflare picks Valyk up, wrenching on that same arm, and delivers a few knife edge chops to Valyk’s chest. Valyk, through an amazing succession of flips, untwists his arm and flips Shadowflare onto his back. Valyk then hits a standing senton bomb. Valyk picks Shadowflare up and whips Shad into the ropes. Shad returns and Valyk jumps up, getting Shad’s head underneath Valyk’s armpit. Shadowflare tries to reverse the move on Valyk, but ultimately, Valyk comes out the winner of this bout, and hits a DDT on Shad.)
Peter Vexnor: A mid-air running DDT! That’s madness!
Shaden Rose: That was an amazing move on Valyk’s part. He knew that any old running DDT might be reversible by Shad. But, Valyk knew that if he put all his weight into it, by jumping, he’d be able to bring Shad down.
Dustin Larson: DDTs can be faked, too.
Shaden Rose: You don’t sound too sure of yourself, dildo.
(Valyk is slides over to Shadowflare and hooks his near leg onto Shad’s near leg. Valyk then uses his free leg to press Shad’s head down into his own chest. This is the Grounded Octopus Hold. It’s very painful. Learn it, live it, love it. Shadowflare can’t even scream in pain. It’s difficult for him to flail around. This move cuts off your oxygen. Valyk lets the hold go and picks the limp Shadowflare up. Valyk hits a few furious kicks to Shad’s stomach. This drops Shad to his knees. Valyk hits a reverse Face Driver. Valyk goes for the pin as Brian Silcox counts: one, two, three… no! KICKOUT!)
Peter Vexnor: I’ve been watching your face this entire match, Dustin, and it went from cocky to unsure real fast!
Dustin Larson: You’ve been watching me this entire time! You freak! There’s a wrestling match going on.
Shaden Rose: Think of it this way, Dustin. Peter was looking at only one guy while you’re looking at two guys that are groping each other.
Dustin Larson: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
(Valykerie picks Shadowflare up and whips him into the ropes. However, Shadowflare reverses it. Valyk leap frogs Shadowflare but returns to a standing side kick right to the jaw. One to knock your socks off, that’s for sure. Shadowflare has blood trickling from his nose. He drops down to pin Valykerie. Brian Silcox counts: one, kickout.)
Shaden Rose: There’s proof of the testicular fortitude that Valykerie has! That was a devastating super kick. I’d definitely say it was Shawn Michaels-esque and Valyk still kicks out!
Dustin Larson: Because it was fake! Valyk began falling a split second before connection!
Peter Vexnor: Then what was that thud?!
Dustin Larson: I’m sure it was Shadowflare slapping the mat or something.
Shaden Rose: You are so full of it!
(In the ring Shadowflare picks Valyk up and sets him up for a Samoan Drop. This time, Valyk doesn’t kick out and Shadowflare lands it. Shadowflare, while still holding Valyk, stands up, ultra slowly, obviously, and hits another Samoan Drop. The crowd is eating it up even though they hate Shadowflare. Shadowflare gets up and shows off for the crowd. In this time, about twenty seconds, Valyk gets up. Shadowflare turns around, expecting Valyk to be up and clotheslining him. Shadowflare ducks. However, Valyk expected that Shadowflare would expect that, and didn’t clothesline him. Shadowflare looked like a fool. And, when he stood up, Valyk dropkicked him in the chest.)
Peter Vexnor: These two know one another very well!
Dustin Larson: I was talking to Chris Michaels backstage when he first got here and he told me that these two know each other in a more than friendly way. You might just say a …………… Sexual way.
(Valyk and Shadowflare have now degenerated down to a pure fist fight. The two lay lefts and rights to one another. Shadowflare gains the upper hand when he fakes a left and blocks a right from Valyk. He kicks Valyk in the stomach, doubling the man over. He puts him in-between his legs, pulling his arms behind his back, ready to hit the Panic Attack.)
Peter Vexnor: HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO! THE PANIC ATTACK!
(Suddenly, from the back, comes running the Pied Piper.)
Dustin Larson: %$#@! %$#^! NO! THERE CAN’T BE ANY INTERFERANCE!
(Right behind Kurt is Monotinous Death. The two are hauling ass down the ramp way. Kurt is completely oblivious to MD. Shadowflare has himself positioned so he can see everything and he looks pissed. He made himself pretty adamant about winning without interference. MD catches up to Kurt just as Johnny Hawke comes running out from the back.)
Shaden Rose: What the hell is going on!?
(MD grabs Kurt by the arm and uses his momentum to swing Kurt around. Kurt goes running in the opposite direction and right into Johnny Hawke. The two men glare at each other and begin to exchange punches. MD turns back to Shadowflare and gives him a thumbs up sign. Shadowflare claps his hands. Shad hooks Valyk’s arms again in a pedigree fashion. However, Valyk has fully recovered and executes a back body drop on the unsuspecting Shadowflare. With his arms still hook, Valyk flips Shadowflare, resulting in the strangest looking pin you’ve ever seen. Brian Silcox counts: one, two, Shadowflare sits up, causing Valyk to be pinned with his arms pinned behind him. Silcox counts: one, two, kickout! Valyk gets his arms unhooked and falls limply on his stomach.)
Peter Vexnor: What the hell is going on?!
Dustin Larson: I’m so confused! This isn’t at all what I saw going on!<> Shaden Rose: Because these two aren’t in cahoots, dumbass!
Peter Vexnor: Well, what about Piper and Hawke? They shouldn’t even be here!
Dustin Larson: Simple as this, jiggity. Piper wants the World Title, I’m sure. And, Hawke wants Piper in a non-sexual way… let me just clarify that.
Shaden Rose: Not everything has sexual connotation! But Hawke is out here because Piper was smooching on his girl.
Dustin Larson: That’s a stupid reason though!
Shaden Rose: Well, tell me, Dustin, how would you feel if another guy was kiss your woman?
Dustin Larson: I’d be…
Shaden Rose: (Cutting Dustin off)
Nevermind, I forget that most men have standards and none of the women I’ve seen you with meet those standards!
(Outside the ring, Piper cracks a huge knife-edge chop across Hawke's chest. Hawke staggers back. Piper shoves Hawke and starts to giggle. Piper turns his back. Hawke bounces back, catching Piper off guard, and blasts him with a superkick. Piper flops on the ground and rolls to his side. Shaking his head, Piper looks a little lost as he tries to regain his senses. Hawke wastes no time in pulling Piper to his feet. Piper low blows Hawke as he pulls him up. Both men stand up, punching it out, when out of nowhere Monotinous Death leaps from the top rope and hits a moonsault on them. He laughs at their stupidity.)
Dustin Larson: GO MD! He’s kicking ass and he’s not supposed to be here!
Shaden Rose: I’m surprised that bastard hasn’t gotten involved yet.
Dustin Larson: Why help and cheat to win when the match is set up?
(Inside the ring, Shadowflare goes to Valyk and hits a fisherman’s suplex on him. Shadowflare leads the out of it Valykerie to the turnbuckle. Shad slams Valyk’s head into the turnbuckle three times and then begins to climb with him. He’s ready to hit the Darkness Turns to Light (top rope powerbomb.) By the time Shadowflare has Valyk set up (about 50 seconds it takes) the audience’s anticipation is at a climax. Shadowflare tries once, but Valyk blocks it. Shad tries again but, again, Valyk blocks it. Finally, with all his strength, Valyk executes another back body drop. The force Valyk used to get the back body drop to work actually gave Shad enough momentum to land on his feet. Shad turns around as Valyk jumps onto the top turnbuckle and blindly jumps off the top rope, twisting in mid-air. The result is the craziest looking flying headscissors in the history of wrestling. The force actually makes Shad slide on his knees and right into the turnbuckle. Shadowflare collapses on the turnbuckle. A million flashbulbs catch this momentous occasion, one that will surely be on a highlight reel for say… a pay-per-view.)
Peter Vexnor: This is incredible! Both men must be near exhaustion!
Shaden Rose: This is the second amazing match we’ve seen Valyk in since he arrived at the EWA! Don’t forget that he was suffering from second degree burns not too long ago!
(In the ring Valyk runs at Shadowflare and hits a bronco buster. The entire audience is on their feet! At some point during that last bit of excitement, Piper and Hawke fought each other backstage with punches. Valyk picks Shadowflare up and attempts a roundhouse kick. However, Shad is able to duck it. Valyk’s back is to Shadowflare. In a split second Shadowflare turns around and hooks Valyk’s arm. He picks Valyk up and lands an Outsider’s Edge. The crowd is chanting “VALYKERIE, VALYKERIE,” hoping to give him a second wind. Shadowflare falls to his knees in exhaustion.)
Dustin Larson: This is one really well faked match! They must have been running before hand and did a really good job of covering up their sweat because they’re sweating like dogs now!
Peter Vexnor: Just face it, Dustin, they’re not conspiring!
Dustin Larson: I don’t want to and refuse to believe that!
Shaden Rose: That’s the same thing dipshi%.
(Shadowflare forces himself to get over his exhaustion and stands up. He walks over to Valykerie and puts him between his legs. He hooks Valyk’s arms behind his back and lifts Valyk into the air, hitting a double underhook piledriver on him. The crowd is going absolutely fanatical! Shadowflare wearily rolls over onto Valykerie. Brian Silcox counts: one, two, three!!!)
WINNER: AND NEW TELEVISION CHAMPION, SHADOWFLARE!
Peter Vexnor: I, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! SHADOWFLARE DID IT! HE DID IT!
Dustin Larson: I WIN MY BET! SHADOWFLARE WON FAIR AND SQUARE! I PROVED TO YOU THAT THEY’RE WORKING TOGETHER!
Shaden Rose: You didn’t prove anything, numby. Shadowflare just had one of those rare, once in a blue moon nights where he actually won without cheating!
Peter Vexnor: In all fairness, he could have cheated. Monotinous Death could have come down at any time he wanted and attacked Valyk.
Dustin Larson: HAHA! That’s right! I’m right! Valykerie is an EoD member!
Dustin Larson: Well, folks, that’s all we have for you tonight! For Shaden Rose and Dustin Larson, I’m Peter Vexnor, good night!