(After the show’s opening segment we cut inside the EWA Arena. Bright, blue pyros shoot off from the sides of the platform. Thousands of fans are up and screaming as the camera pans all around the arena. Signs are strewn about including: “CRACK ADAMS, CRACKBERRY, CRACKFLARE”, “LOOPY FOR LUPIN”, and “I WANT GENOCIDE TO HAPPEN TO ME!” We cut to the announcers.)

Peter Vexnor: We’re only 5 days away from EWA Encaged and the roof is about to blow off this arena!

Shaden Rose: It’s been a wild three weeks here on EWA’s Body Count and tonight will prove to be no different.

Dustin Larson: You like blood? You like pain? You like Gatorade?! Then tonight is your night!

Peter Vexnor: Tonight is so monumental that Dustin actually did his first scripted line in over a year!

Dustin Larson: It’s an adjustment being an announcer, you know?

Peter Vexnor: You’ve been announcing on national television since 1996.

Dustin Larson: Blah, blah, blah. You’re wasting time, tonight! Tonight is huge! Tonight there isn’t just one of my favorite matches! No, no! There are four! Four hardcore matches tonight!

Shaden Rose: And, if that wasn’t enough, Johnny Hawke is defending his title against Monotinous Death in the main event because MD proved that he didn’t lose.

Dustin Larson: Just means that Johnny Hawke is going to show the world tonight, that he really is the Cruiserweight Champion.

Peter Vexnor: I don’t know, it’s two very good athletes… two ring veterans… two amazing wrestlers going head to head! It’s anyone’s war to lose, and anyone’s gold to gain.

Dustin Larson: We have terrible script writers!

Peter Vexnor: Yeah, and our announcing team sucks, too.

Dustin Larson: Hey!

Shaden Rose: Hey!

Peter Vexnor: I didn’t mean you, Ms. Rose. I just mean this “skater punk” boy.

Dustin Larson: Boy? I’m 18!

Peter Vexnor: Yes, yes… And, you announced for those stupid kids TV shows on Disney… I know, I know! (Turns to Shaden) Two and a half years now… I’ve been hearing the same story!

Shaden Rose: Well, I don’t think we should be wasting too much time tonight. Let’s get to the… wait… wait. Something’s going on backstage.

 (The camera cuts to the back where Lupin is arriving. He is entering the building. He is forced to stop, however, as ANJEL and Cerebus walk into view, and block the doorway. Lupin looks annoyed.) 

Lupin: What? You want me to do the same to you that I did to Studd?! 

(Malum Diablos suddenly walks up behind Lupin. The crowd is silent as Malum remains silent and Lupin continues to stare at ANJEL and Cerebus. The anticipation is building when…) 

Malum: Nothing so predictable, my fine, furry friend. We are here to give you this. 

(Lupin spins around, ready to fight. Malum slowly and cautiously reaches into his vest and pulls out a wad of money. Malum tosses it at Lupin and it bounces off Lupin’s chest and falls to the ground.) 

Malum: That is for saving me the time of taking out Studd. 

(Malum ANJEL and Cerebus walk away, leaving Lupin standing there with the wad of money on the ground. The camera cuts back to the announcers.) 

Peter Vexnor: Did Lupin have anything to do with that? Or is Malum just being kind?

Dustin Larson: Obviously, Lupin didn’t have anything to do with it! He said he was going to beat down ANJEL and Cerebus!

Shaden Rose: Yeah, but I don’t think Lupin is the most stable person. I don’t doubt that he’d have already forgotten something like that, too.

Dustin Larson: There’s no way Lupin had anything to do with that! He is just a bad ass that comes in and releases the tiger. KIY-OP!

(Dustin karate chops Peter on the back of the neck.)

Peter Vexnor: Son of a…! Mother…! GOD!! OWWW!!

Dustin Larson: That was some old school Bruce Lee &^%# right there! RELEASING THE TIGER!

Shaden Rose: Hey, Testostronis, let’s get the show rolling.

Dustin Larson: With a little tiger, baby.

(Mark Scott is in the ring.)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and it is a hardcore rules match. Introducing first, hailing from Transylvania, Romania and weighing in at 175 pounds… TWISTED VAMP!

(“When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000 starts to play over the arena sound system. The fans boo. However, after twenty seconds, no one comes out.)

Mark Scott: TWISTED VAMP!

(“When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000 plays, again. And, again, the same result: no Vamp.)

Peter Vexnor: Well, this is odd. The EWA has certainly had it’s share of no-shows!

Mark Scott: What a jackass. I guess, the winner, by forfeit: “HELLRAISER” WAYNE HARRISON!

(Nothing happens, and Wayne doesn’t come out.)

Shaden Rose: What the bloody hell is going on?

Dustin Larson: Two very stupid people missing career making opportunities!

Peter Vexnor: Yeah, this means that neither person will be involved at the PPV.

Dustin Larson: That’s just retardidinisim

Peter Vexnor: Retar… wha? What the hell are you talking about?

Dustin Larson: In lemen’s terms, it just means “Peter Vexnorism.”

Peter Vexnor: You son of a…

Shaden Rose: Let’s go to commercial!

(Cut to commercial. We see commercials for Gatorade’s EWA Body Count half-time show. We also see a Visa commercial, a commercial for Taco Bell, and finally, a local commercial.)

("One" by Metallica plays as Draven makes his way to the ring. He is dressed in an Eddie George Titan's jersey and a pair of blue jeans. And, of course, his mask is on. He has the TV Title around his left shoulder. The fans are cheering wildly for him. He steps into the ring and pulls a mic out of his back pocket. He is pacing in the ring as he begins to speak.)

Draven Genocide: I have had a few days to think about this title situation. Valykerie, I told you before our match that you would not be focused on me, and I was right. You turned your attention to "The Mystery Man" and, just like any wrestler would have done , I took advantage of your mistake. Valykerie, I must say I was very impressed with your in ring skills and I do look forward to facing you at the pay-per-view.

Now, onto this… “Mystery Man.” You are just another fool who seems to think you are some dark entity. I showed Timor too tall that he was not as dark and spooky as he thought he was and I’m going to show you the same. Go ahead, sit in your dark dungeon and practice sacrificing what ever you want, but when that bell rings it wont be some little spider, it will be a big WidowMaker that you have to deal with.

(He throws the mic down to Mark Scott and leaves through the middle and the top ropes, jumping off of the ring. He makes his way back up the ramp, giving his fans high fives as the chant “DRAVEN, DRAVEN.” He goes backstage and Mark Scott enters the ring.)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is for one fall. It is a hardcore rules match. Introducing first, weighing in at 368 pounds and hailing from the Netherworld: BLOODCROW!

(“Black Sabbath” by Black Sabbath begins to play as the arena is immediately launched into a frenzy of boos. BloodCrow, the always intimidating 7’ mammoth comes out from the back, dressed in his armor. He has a sick smile on his face as he makes his way down to the ring. The ring has already been strewn with weapons. BloodCrow slides in and begins taking off his armor. Once he has that completed, he picks up a barbwire baseball bat.)

Mark Scott: And his opponent.. um… the mystery… guy!

(No music plays as the fans wait in anticipation. Two blue orbs begin to glow on the Megatron and a shower of blue pyros goes off. Mysticism emerges from the pyro. His face and body covered by his cloak. The audience is somewhat quiet. Mysticism begins to walk toward the ring, slowly shedding the cloak. He looks up at BloodCrow, you see his blue eyes glow faintly behind his sunshades. BloodCrow looks ready.) 

Dustin Larson: I wanna see blood!

(Mysticism slides in and BloodCrow immediately takes a swing at him. Mysticism, however, is very quick, and rolls out of the way. He gets up, in one fluid motion, uses his momentum to carry him into the ropes, he springs at BloodCrow, hitting a clothesline. BloodCrow drops the barbwire baseball bat and nearly hits his head on a chair.)

Dustin Larson: Holy crap! Ten seconds into the match and no blood spurting!

(Mysticism picks BloodCrow up and lands a DDT onto the folded chair. Mysticism then gets up and whips BloodCrow into the ropes. Mysticism picks the chair up and slams it into BloodCrow’s head. He then starts to pound the chair into BloodCrow’s left leg.)

Peter Vexnor: Very smart wrestling on the smaller Mysticism. He is using that chair very effectively.

Shaden Rose: And, he knows that more important than any other part of the body, the leg is very valuable to a giant.

Dustin Larson: Wow! It’s Analyzie Joe and Analyzie Sue! There is no frickin’ blood! This match sucks.

(Mysticism walks over to where the barbwire baseball bat lies. He picks it up and looks at BloodCrow. He goes to BloodCrow and hits him in the knee with the barbwire baseball bat. Again… again. Mysticism tosses the barbwire baseball bat outside the ring. He picks BloodCrow up and attempts to pick him up for a DVD. He has him halfway there, but BloodCrow is far too heavy. BloodCrow wriggles out of it and whips Mysticism into the ropes. Mysticism returns and BloodCrow lands a Gorilla Press Slam. BloodCrow goes to where a garbage can sits. He picks it up and slams it into Mysticism’s head as Mysticism attempts to get up. BloodCrow repeats this twice, letting Mysticism recover some, before slamming it over his head. BloodCrow picks Mysticism up and hits a backbreaker. The fans are chanting for a table. BloodCrow leaves the ring.)

Dustin Larson: I’m so happy! Mysticism, while it is small, has a cut!

Peter Vexnor: This is just a showing of what these men are willing to do for the right to be called number one. It’s not right! It’s sick.

Shaden Rose: Ha! You sound like a woman.

Dustin Larson: Yeah, agreed. You are a woman. We should call you Petrina.

Peter Vexnor: Great, now the woman is calling me a woman.

(BloodCrow is getting a table. He is underneath the apron and emerges with a folded table. He stands up just in time to get a baseball slide to the face, however. He stumbles backwards as Mysticism, in an uncanny showing of speed, runs to the turnbuckle, leaps to the top, and leaps backwards, hitting an elbow to the face on BloodCrow. BloodCrow falls over as Mysticism picks up where he left off, setting up the table. He sets it up and then goes over to BloodCrow. He puts him into a figure four, much to the fans’ surprise. They start chanting for the table, but Mysticism keeps the move on, BloodCrow screaming.)

Dustin Larson: What the hell is this?

Peter Vexnor: This is smart wrestling.

Dustin Larson: This is boring!

(Mysticism seemingly is overwhelmed and lets the hold go. He walks over to the table… and right past it. He climbs up on the ring barricade as BloodCrow slowly starts to get up. Mysticism starts running on the barricade. He leaps off as BloodCrow, who sees this all, ducks quickly. Mysticism flies over BloodCrow and hits the other barricade. He stumbles backward as BloodCrow, in one swift movement, picks him up and turns around, landing a sidewalk slam through the table. The fans are going nuts as BloodCrow picks Mysticism up and tosses him in the ring. BloodCrow goes for the pin as Aaron Glasky counts: one, two, and kickout.)

Shaden Rose: I’m new to the wrestling world, and all. But… I must say… that was some exciting events that just took place!

Peter Vexnor: It makes me sorry for wrestlers that they’ll actually do something like this to hold a tiny strap.

Dustin Larson: Man, you make me laugh, wiener!

(BloodCrow gets up and picks Mysticism up. The two tie up. Suddenly, the Mission: Impossible theme song starts to play. Smoke starts to fill the entranceway as everyone awaits the arrival of whoever it is that is interrupting this match. After 20 seconds, however, no one comes out. Suddenly, the Mexican flag starts waving on the Megatron. The camera cuts back to Mysticism. He grabs underneath his chin and rips off his mask. Underneath is El Dio. The fans are going crazy.)

Peter Vexnor: Hey, I think I recognize that guy! That’s… that’s…

Dustin Larson: …the coolest person in the world! That’s El Dio, the hardcore lucha libre! He not only is a high flyer but he can’t help but beat down people with tables!

(El Dio and BloodCrow tie up, again. El Dio kicks BloodCrow in the stomach and hits a twisting neckbreaker. El Dio quickly runs to the ropes and leaps off, executing a moonsault. BloodCrow barely gets his knees up in time. BloodCrow rolls over and gets up. He picks up a belt that is one of the many weapons strewn in the ring. He walks over to El Dio with the belt.)

Peter Vexnor: I don't like the look of this!

Dustin Larson: Beat him! Beat him!

(BloodCrow gets to El Dio and whips him with the belt. El Dio screams out in pain. BloodCrow does it four more times, each time El Dio looks like he's just been through hell. BloodCrow finally relents from whipping and begins choking El Dio with the belt. El Dio begins wildly flailing around in struggle. This continues for about thirty seconds.)

Shaden Rose: I think I can already see welts appearing on EL Dio's back!

Peter Vexnor: This is sick. This is horrible! This...

Dustin Larson: ... is so awesome! This is what wrestling should be!

Peter Vexnor: Wrestlers aren't supermen! They can't take this kind of punishment all the time. They shouldn't have to put up wit this punishment ever, anyway!

Dustin Larson: What's the big deal? They're all hopped up on steroids, anyway.

Peter Vexnor: Now, we all know that's not true. There are tests that are conducted to make sure that these guys are healthy.

Dustin Larson: Yeah, but Shadowflare is a coke addict and he still wrestles!

Shaden Rose: There’s no proof of that, either, Dustin. HE just, you know, randomly freaks out for no reason sometimes.

(El Dio is all but dead, now. Aaron Glasky checks his hand. The count: one, two, three... no! El Dio's arm barely stays up. BloodCrow picks El Dio up using the belt. The crowd lets out a collective groan in pain. BloodCrow, in a quick movement, whips Dio up and onto his shoulder, using the belt. HE then hits a powerslam.)

Dustin Larson: Holy crap! That was sick! That's a way to twist your opponent's head off!

Peter Vexnor: That's what I've been saying this entire time! This is sick!

Dustin Larson: No, I meant that this is totally tight! Kick ass, dope... you know, slang for wicked.

Peter Vexnor: What?

(In the ring, El Dio is completely out of it. BloodCrow picks El Dio up and whips him into the ropes. El Dio catches himself on the ropes and slides out of the ring. He walks off, stumbling along the way. BloodCrow slides out of the ring and runs to El Dio, who has his back to him. He is about to clothesline El Dio when El Dio turns around. El Dio quickly leap frogs him in a showing of speed that is absolutely amazing. BloodCrow turns around and comes running at El Dio. Dio backs up and turns to run. BloodCrow gives chase. El Dio then decides to stand his ground. BloodCrow rushes at him. At the last second, El Dio jumps up and BloodCrow runs shoulder first into the ring steps. The top one flies off completely. El Dio lands on the ring apron and immediately jumps to the top rope. He waits for BloodCrow to get up. BloodCrow gets up quickly and El Dio leaps off and hits a flying head scissors on BloodCrow.)

Shaden Rose: What an amazing comeback by El Dio. He was out of it and was still able to react to a split second decision.

Peter Vexnor: I've studied tapes of this guy from all the way back to mid-1999 and have to say that there are only few that are more exciting, more amazing, and quicker.

Dustin Larson: He's a little funny looking pipsqueak.

(El Dio wastes little time. He doesn’t even get up, actually. He rolls underneath the apron really quickly and comes out with a folded up table. Dio puts the table down and goes over to BloodCrow, who is starting to get up. Dio punches BloodCrow a few times in the face to get him stunned. Dio then climbs onto the ring barrier while holding BloodCrow’s arm. Dio jumps off the barrier, does a few flips, and subsequently, BloodCrow goes flying head over heels. Dio goes back to the table and begins to set it up. The table is set up when Dio turns around. BloodCrow is up and the two begin running at each other. Both are ready to hit a clothesline. At the last second, however, El Dio jumps up to hurricanrana BloodCrow. BloodCrow uses his own momentum to powerbomb El Dio.)

Dustin Larson: That’s what that jackass gets for using the same plan of attack the entire time. That’s, like, the twentieth time he’s jumped a split second before contact.

Peter Vexnor: Indeed, his plan wasn’t well thought out. But, still, this has been one amazing match. 

(BloodCrow is up. He picks El Dio up and walks him to the ring apron that is next to the table. BloodCrow gets El Dio up on the ring apron and then also gets up onto it. He has El Dio perfectly set up for The Purgatory when El Dio starts showing signs of life. El Dio lands a few punches to BloodCrow’s side, which has no affect. BloodCrow tries the move, but El Dio hooks his leg on the bottom rope. BloodCrow tries again, and again, the same thing happens. Then, the second El Dio’s feet touches the ground, he jumps up, using the ropes as steps, to leap over BloodCrow’s shoulders. He wriggles off of BloodCrow’s shoulder and kicks him in the ass. BloodCrow turns around and El Dio punches him in the face. Quickly, El Dio leaps over the top rope, leaps onto the top turnbuckle, and hits a dropkick to BloodCrow’s face. BloodCrow flies backwards, into the ring post. BloodCrow falls into a heap on the mat below.)

Shaden Rose: I really have to commend El Dio. He is absolutely amazing me here.

Dustin Larson: You got a little crush on El Dio, eh? Want me to hook you up with him.

Shaden Rose: You couldn’t, even if I wanted to.

Dustin Larson: Yeah, I could.

Shaden Rose: No, you couldn’t. No one likes you.

Peter Vexnor: Hey, guys, let’s try and keep this wrestling related.

Dustin Larson: Hey, Peter, I am. Can’t you see Shaden, here, wants to “wrestle” El Dio.

(El Dio, who is now standing atop the opposite turnbuckle that he just leaped off, waits for BloodCrow to stand up below him. BloodCrow wearily gets up and El Dio jumps off, hitting a hurricanrana. The fans are going absolutely berserk. El Dio picks BloodCrow up as the fans start a “TABLE, TABLE” chant. El Dio tosses BloodCrow onto the table and begins his slow ascension of the top rope. With each step up the fans get louder. Finally, El Dio has reached the top. He looks at the crowd as thousands of flash bulbs light the arena’s otherwise darkness. Then, he leaps. Flashbulbs go off in every direction of every size and legs to forever capture the image of El Dio smashing BloodCrow through the table via a senton bomb. With BloodCrow laying broken on the floor and El Dio laying on top, the crowd is going nuts. El Dio goes for the pin. Aaron Glasky counts: one, two, and three!)

WINNER: “THE HARDCORE LUCHADOR” EL DIO (MYSTICISM)

Peter Vexnor: What an amazing show we just saw! I hope the rest of the hardcore matches can stand up to that!

Dustin Larson: I thought you didn’t like hardcore matches, woman.

Peter Vexnor: I don’t like the brutality and seeing men bleed, and cut open other people just for a stupid belt. What I do enjoy however, is athleticism.

Dustin Larson: And hot, sweaty, bare chested men. Peter Vexnor: Oh, God, just leave me alone.

Shaden Rose: Well, let’s quickly get to commercial.

(Show cuts to commercial. We see commercials for the Gatorade half-time show, Singular, Wal-Mart, and Legos.)

(We come back from the commercial to see Chris Michaels pulling keys out of his pocket in a parking lot. He has a bandage on his forehead, still. He has the keys out, unlocks his door, gets in the car, and rolls down the window.)

Chris Michaels: (Yelling) EAT ME A$%@&^&

(Just then, MD comes into view, yelling for Chris to come back. Chris turns the ignition and peels off. MD turns around, and the camera slowly pans to see who he is looking at. It’s Valykerie.)

Monotinous Death: God, can you do something? I mean, he's your partner and all.

Valykerie: Yeah, a partner that doesn't show up for matches.

Monotinous Death: Well, that really was my fault. But, look, he was about to crack Shadowflare over the head!

Valykerie: Dammit, I don't care if he had to hobble out, he should've been there.

Monotinous Death: Okay! Whatever! Just tell him I'm sorry and I was trying to keep hell from breaking lose. Think you can do that for me?

Valykerie: I suppose. But, why can't you talk to him? He never listens to me.

Monotinous Death: I've been trying all week! He doesn't return phone calls, he doesn't answer me in the hallways and he just ran away. Okay, just talk to him! 

Valykerie: Fine, I'll do what I can, but it doesn't seem to be much.

(MD looks very frustrated now.)

Monotinous Death: (Under his breath, but still very audible) It never seems to be much with you.

Valykerie: Right, so it's my damn fault? I just want to leave him alone for now, I've got my own problems, but you have to keep this up.

Monotinous Death: You always "just want to leave him alone!" You spend about as much time avoiding things as you do wrestling!

Valykerie: Well I haven't seen you doing much either. Besides hosting the stupid show.

Monotinous Death: Well, excuse me for capitalizing on something you don't have... CELEBRITY... to make the federation I work for stronger and better!

Valykerie: Seems to me you just want to get fat, sit behind a table, and give up the good life altogether.

Monotinous Death: Hey, I seem to remember me defending my title just last weekend.

Valykerie: And losing it.

Monotinous Death: (Visibly angry) You know what?! I'm gonna.... (MD pauses and restrains himself. He punches the wall by Valyk's head... hard.) …leave before I say or do something I regret. JUST TELL CHRIS THAT THIS IS NO REASON TO BE FIGHTING!

Valykerie: I'm not doing anything tonight, why don't we see what fighting can accomplish?

Monotinous Death: Is that what you want? You want to fight me? You want me to waste you? Give you two loses in a row? Show you that you really CAN'T compete with the top of the game? As appealing as that sounds, I have more important things to worry about.

Valykerie: Good, ‘cause so do I. I'll see what I can do with Chris.

Monotinous Death: (Hostile and through his teeth) THANK YOU! 

(MD walks off, opening a door and leaving through it, back into the building. Valykerie walks off camera. Camera cuts back to the arena.)

Shaden Rose: It looks like this Shadowflare business is really starting to rip these three people apart.

Peter Vexnor: Yeah, Valykerie isn’t getting a long with Chris. Chris isn’t getting along with MD. And MD is having trouble with both of them.

Dustin Larson: MD is working with Shadowflare. Let me just say that right now. That was a deliberate attack last week that the two had set up before hand.

Shaden Rose: You have no bases of argument though. There’s no way you can prove that.

Peter Vexnor: Well, nevermind that. It’s time for the tag team tournament match.

(Mark Scott is in the ring.)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a tag team match and it is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, the tag team of Reaper and Pyro!

 (The two come out.)

Mark Scott: And their opponents, at a combined weight of 582 pounds: THE NEW VICTORY COALITION!

(“Don’t Drag Me Down” by Social Distortion starts to play over the arena sound system as the fans respond louder to the tag team they know. The Samoan Warrior and Katne come out from the back, ready to fight. The two run down to the ring and slide in. Pyro and Katne are exchanging punches. Reaper and The Samoan Warriors are exchanging punches. Pyro kicks Katne in the stomach and then quickly hits a Russian Leg Sweep. The Samoan Warrior lunges at Reaper and hits a clothesline. Katne rolls out of the ring. The Samoan Warrior gets up and Pyro attempts a clothesline but The Warrior powerslams him. Pyro rolls out of the ring. The Warrior gets up and Reaper is right there, already up, kicking him down.)

Peter Vexnor: And here we are! Already action!

(Reaper has taken control of the match and hits a neckbreaker on The Warrior. He whips himself into the ropes and hits a leg drop. Reaper picks The Warrior up and whips him into the ropes. Upon his return, The Warrior gets a face full of boot. Reaper lays three elbows to The Warrior and then tags out to Pyro. Pyro climbs to the top of the rope and hits a somersault elbow drop. Pyro picks The Warrior up, kicks him in the stomach, and hits one of the weakest vertical suplexes ever. Still, the fact that The Warrior is so heavy, makes it a move that gets the fans to freak out.)

Shaden Rose: This is some great technical wrestling. And I can’t believe I just saw what I did.

Dustin Larson: Does no one else notice that whenever The Samoan Warrior is flying through the air that his fat collects in one area? It’s disgusting.

(Inside the ring, Pyro has applied a Boston Crab. The Warrior is screaming out, trying his hardest to reach the ropes. For 23 seconds he tries, without luck, to get to the ropes until he finally grabs a hold of the bottom one. Conrad Bergan tells Pyro to let go. He has to count to a four count before Pyro lets go. Pyro gets The Warrior to stand up and whips him into the opposite turnbuckle. He runs at The Samoan Warrior for a big splash in the corner. The Warrior barely moves in time. The Warrior is up, almost immediately. Pyro stumbles backwards and into The Warrior’s open arms. The Samoan Warrior hits an underarm hook suplex. The Warrior walks over to Katne and tags him in.)

Dustin Larson: I don’t even understand what this little shrimp is doing in the EWA. He makes me… weep.

Peter Vexnor: For being so frail, he’s one hell of a wrestler.

Dustin Larson: One hell of a gimmick wrestler. There is a difference. To be a wrestler, you need skill. But to be a gimmick wrestler… all you need is a gimmick that you get your ass kicked all the time.

(Katne hops over the top rope and runs to Pyro. He picks Pyro up and whips him into the ropes. Katne leapfrogs Pyro. Pyro leapfrogs Katne. Finally, Katne lunges forward with all his weight and hits a rolling clothesline. Katne is obviously excited because he’s up rather quickly. He climbs to the top rope and hits an Asai Moonsault. Katne picks Pyro up and punches him three times in the face. Katne then puts his leg over Pyro’s head. Katne flips over Pyro, taps him on the shoulder, and hits a superkick. Pyro falls backwards, and right to Reaper. Reaper makes a blind tag and comes in, running right at Katne. Katne gets leveled as Reaper clothesline.)

Shaden Rose: Well, he was doing well.

(Reaper picks Katne up, literally up, and tosses him a few feet. Katne lands hard. Reaper goes for the pin. Bergan counts: one, two, and The Warrior breaks up the count. Pyro comes in and clubs The Samoan Warrior in the back of the head. Reaper picks Katne up and puts him up for a powerbomb. Katne punches Reaper in the head twice and then hops backwards, off of Reaper, and lands nicely. Katne kicks Reaper in the stomach, doubling him over, and hits a DDT. Katne gets up and lands three knees to Reaper’s back. Katne tags out to The Warrior. The Warrior comes in, as Reaper starts crawling toward his corner. Reaper almost has a tag when The Warrior pulls him away. The Warrior applies an ankle lock submission. The crowd cheers this. )

Peter Vexnor: See, now this is some smart tactics. The Samoan Warrior is just wearing down his opponent.

Shaden Rose: Yeah, this really is a showing of brains.

Dustin Larson: This… IS SO BORING!

(It’s been 32 seconds and Reaper finally reaches the ropes. The Warrior lets go of the hold and picks Reaper up. The Samoan Warrior calls to Katne. Katne understands and starts to climb the top ropes. The two are getting ready for The Samoan Lift. The Warrior puts Reaper on his shoulders. Katne jumps off the top rope, ready to hit the move, when The Samoan Warrior’s legs buckle. Pyro just tackled him from behind. The Warrior falls to his knees and then forward. Katne sits right down on him… hard. Reaper was dropped, harmlessly.)

Dustin Larson: Hell yeah!

Peter Vexnor: Great move on Reaper’s part. Really strategically sound.

Dustin Larson: YOU’RE REALLY STRATEGICALLY SOUND!

Peter Vexnor: What the hell does that mean?

Dustin Larson: Shut up.

(Reaper is up and thanking Pyro. He turns around to Katne and picks him up. Katne gets powerbombed for his trouble. Reaper then turns the not moving Samoan Warrior over. What we see is a shocking display of blood. The Warrior’s nose is obviously broken and it’s pouring blood everywhere. Reaper picks up The Warrior and hits his finisher. Reaper goes for the pin and Conrad Bergan counts: one, two, and three. This was obviously a weak end to an unscripted mishap.)

WINNERS: REAPER AND PYRO

Peter Vexnor: Oh my God That was just disgusting. Poor Samoan Warrior… his nose is surely broken.

Dustin Larson: He was bleeding so much… and I thought this was going to be a boring match.

Shaden Rose: That was just sick. It was a really good move on Pyro’s part… but… I don’t think those were the results he intended.

Dustin Larson: Listen, babe, you have to understand, this is wrestling. No one cares about their opponent. It’s war and it’s kill or be killed.

Peter Vexnor: In this sport, there are friends, though. But, nonetheless, it’s time for the Gatorade halftime show where one lucky fan will win two tickets to EWA Encaged! But, first, it’s the Gatorade dancers.

(Inside the ring stand four eight-foot tall Gatorade bottles. Obviously, they’re women inside costumes, because you can see their lovely legs. The music starts, a techno beat, and they start their choreographed dance. Levi Dodge, roaming reporter, has his head buried in his hands, obviously laughing. It really is a rather pathetic display. For the grand finale, they all gather in the center of the ring and kick their legs of, rockette style. You, the viewer, feel very sorry for not only the people in the arena, but also the people in the suits. The Gatorade bottles get out of the ring… somehow, and Levi Dodge takes the center of the ring.)

Levi Dodge: Hey, yo, today is the final show before the all importan’ EWA Encaged is gonna go down.

(The fans cheer.)

Levi Dodge: Come on St. Louis, I know ya’all can holla betta then that!

(The fans give out a stronger cheer.)

Levi Dodge: Yo, yo. Tonight is the night we give away two front row tickets for EWA Encaged to one of you out there.

(Fans cheer.)

Levi Dodge: That’s what I thought. Now, will the person sittin’ in row two-eighty-fo, seat sisteen get down here right now?

(The camera pans around for a while and finally finds the seat. The person, a beautiful blonde girl that you know you want *you damn pervert*, is walking down the steps, or rather, running. It’s a minute before she actually gets down to the ring.)

Levi Dodge: Hot damn! You a sexy ho!

(The woman gets in the ring.)

Levi Dodge: Come here, baby. (Levi puts his arm around the woman’s shoulders) Now, baby, you just won two tickets to one of the hottest shows of the year. Who you gonna give the tickets to?

Woman: Um, I don’t know. I’ll probably sell them on Ebay.

Levi Dodge: What? You out cho damn mind?

Woman: Well, my dad brought me here… my step-dad.

Levi Dodge: Step dad? Damn, that’s kinky. Well, listen baby, these tickets aren’t sellable. We bought plane tickets fo you. We got a hotel room.. everythang.

Woman: Um, why do you talk like that?

Levi Dodge: Snaps! I knew I’d get dug on sometime. Look, baby, this is about you. You won the tickets, you get to go… You, you, you.

Woman: Well, I don’t want to go.

Levi Dodge: Great we give the tickets to a damn, ungrateful, biotch.

Woman: Why are you saying this to me? What did I do.

Levi Dodge: You insultitated me by askin’ me my bidniss.

Woman: Look, I just wanted to know why you talk funny. There’s no need for you to be mean.

Levi Dodge: Why do I talk like dis? Why do I? Listen, I’m just trying to keep it real.

Woman: But… you’re white. You’re acting black. How is that keeping it real?

Levi Dodge: There you go! There all you damn people go, Negrigating me! Look, get you damn tickets, sell them on yo damn Ebay, and get da hell outta here.

(The girl girl looks about ready to cry. She leaves the ring and runs backstage. The show cuts to commercial. We see a commercial for Gatorade Energy Bar, VH1, Pringles, and JVC.)

(The Show comes back from commercial. Without music, Lance Righteous steps through the curtains and walks down to the ring. The fans are cheering and chanting “RIGHTEOUS.” He climbs the stairs, and steps through into the ring. He takes the microphone from Mark Scott, and paces around the ring for a bit. He wears a serious look… almost glaring at the audience. As he walks, he seems to relax, almost even smiling as he stops in the center of the ring. He turns to face the stage area, and begins to speak.)

Lance Righteous: First of all, I'd like to apologize to everyone out there who are sick of hearing people come out here and talk. I know you all paid your money to see action, but I have something to say, and I think it’s important. Also, before I get started, I'd like to say that within the week, I'll have my entrance music set up, for those of you that enjoy that sort of thing.

(Lance smiles a little bit, then his face hardens.)

Lance Righteous: But enough of that for now. The reason I have come out here tonight, is because there is a terrible injustice going on within this federation. It seems to me that nearly everyone in the back, with few exceptions, are a bunch of selfish, whiny, jerks. Now, I know that many of you have had a hard life. I know that many of you have had to work really hard to survive long enough to make it here. I also know that many of you are only here to promote yourselves. I know that many of you just want to see your name in lights, make a lot of money, and be a star.

 (Lance pauses for dramatics.)

Lance Righteous: Well, boys and girls, I've got news for you. You're there!! We're all there. Our names are all up in lights. Our faces are plastered all over the television. And I'm sure no one in this fed is in need of money anymore. So now, its time to grow up. We all have all the attention that we want.

(Lance pauses, and looks down for a moment. He listens to the silence that hangs over the arena. He swallows hard, obviously in need of water.)

Lance Righteous: And that brings me to my point. I was recently called “the only honorable man left in the EWA.” I took that as a compliment, since it came from one of the few others in this federation that has honor. The statement disheartened my though. Maybe I thought about it too much, but it just seemed too true. There are not enough wrestlers around here that possess honor, or a sense of justice, or even enough common decency to occasionally think of someone other then themselves. And I know that there are a lot of people hanging out in back, or watching at home, who are thinking to themselves that I'm the one who is whining. Well, to all of you, consider this a challenge. If you think I'm wrong, PROVE me wrong. Prove to me, and too all the fans, that I am wrong about you. I challenge you all!

(Lance throws down the mic and leaves the ring. The crowd is cheering him as he runs up, giving hi fives to fans on his way up. He disappears backstage.)

Shaden Rose: A challenge by Lance Righteous to all wrestlers back there! To… wait… something is going on backstage!

(The camera cuts to the parking lot where a big truck pulls up into a parking spot. Biggs and Karl hop out of the truck, when suddenly Karl is bashed back against a wall with a car door. Karl holds his face in pain, when suddenly a large glass vase is smashed on top of his head. Karl drops to the ground, pieces of glass sticking out of his head and blood slowly running down his face. Biggs runs over, but the attacker appears to be gone. Biggs grabs Karl from behind and starts dragging him while calling for help.) 

(Suddenly, from the back of Biggs and Karl's truck bed leaps the attacker, knocking Biggs down by smashing a mini-TV set over his head. Biggs crumples in a fallen heap next to his brother, and the attacker grabs Biggs and tosses him back into the truck. The attacker hops into the driver's side, starts up the ignition, and then starts to pull away. The camera zooms in on the driving attacker, and we find it to be Johnny Critical. A dark smile crosses his face as he mutters "And now the fun begins." Critical peels off as EMTs rush out to the parking lot, answering to the now-gone Biggs' calls for help. They find the fallen Karl and set him on top of a stretcher, then start to carry him off. The scene cuts to the arena where the truck is driving down the ramp. Johnny Critical hops out of the truck and goes to the bed of it. He takes Biggs out and, rather brutally, yanks the broken competitor into the ring. He pulls him to the middle and pins him. Glasky counts: one, two, and three.)

WINNER OF THE MATCH: JOHNNY CRITICAL

Peter Vexnor: Wait, that was the match?

Dustin Larson: Okay, even I’ll admit that was sick. I… I don’t know what the hell that was. That was wrong, though.

Shaden Rose: I guess it was a match, what with anything goes rules… but that was not right and that is no way to win a match.

Peter Vexnor: That was despicable. That was deplorable. That was wrong!

Dustin Larson: That was sick. I’m… I’m just… I’m at a loss.

(Show cuts to commercial. We see commercials for Gatorade, Civic Coup, and Pearl Harbor.)

(We come back and Mark Scott is in the ring.)

Mark Scott: The following contest is a hardcore match and it is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at 328 pounds and hailing from the place you all fear: TIMOR FIDENS!

(“Fear” by Disturbed starts to play over the PA system as the fans in the arena begin booing. Timor comes out, his eyes rolled back in his head, dressed in the same attire as always. He makes his way down to the ring, letting each menacing step garner him louder and louder disapproval from the fans. He slides in the ring.)

Mark Scott: And his opponent: LUPIN! 

("Stinkfist (Skinny Puppy Remix)" by Tool starts to clang over the PA system as the lights flicker with the beat. White lasers begin to dance about the arena as the song slowly begins to pick up. Then, when the song does, black pyros erupt on the stage. Cyan strobe lights comb the crowd, before focusing on Lupin who is coming from the crowd with three panes of glass under his arm. He hops the guardrail and slides the panes under the bottom rope before vaulting himself to the middle turnbuckle and sticking his arms out in mock crucifixion while snapping his head back. Tendrils of braided hair fly back as he stares into the sea of bodies before back flipping into the ring.)

Dustin Larson: Lupin is such a stud. He hasn’t been in this federation for more than a couple of weeks and he’s already destroying competition. I do believe tonight will be the exact same.

Peter Vexnor: Lupin arrived Sunday and broke the legs of Andy Studd, the number one contender for the World Title. I pity Malum Diobolus… or, even more so, whoever wins at the pay-per-view.

Shaden Rose: Here we go!

(Lupin backflips into the ring and is immediately clotheslined down by Fidens, who takes advantage of his opponent showing his back. Fidens picks Lupin up and hits a bodyslam, to pick things up. Fidens whips Lupin into the ropes. Lupin catches himself. He turns around and he and Fidens stare at one another. Lupin puts his hands behind his back and sticks his chin out, calling for Fidens to hit him. Fidens just stands there. Lupin calls for a chair. After seven seconds a crowd member tosses Lupin a chair. Lupin gives the chair to Fidens and offers Fidens another chance. Fidens pulls the chair, back, ready to swing, but relents. Then, out of nowhere, he swings with all his might, connecting with Lupin. Lupin is knocked to the side a little bit, his head drooped to the side. He looks up, after a moment and you can see him mouth “Thank You.” With that, Lupin jumps up for a jumping high kick to the face. Fidens is able to duck it, although not easily, and cracks Lupin on the other side of the face with the chair. Lupin is stunned for a second. Fidens cracks the chair over Lupin’s head and Lupin goes down.)

Shaden Rose: Oh, wow! I don’t know too many people that can take three chair shots from Timor Fidens. That guy is an animal.

Dustin Larson: I’m surprised Timor even had the balls to do what he just did! Oh, well, no bother. Timor and his testicles will soon be departed… Lupin will snip them.

(In the ring Timor Fidens has Lupin up. Timor whips Lupin into the ropes, but Lupin reverses it. Lupin superkicks Fidens. Fidens goes down and Lupin immediately rushes over to the chair that Timor used. Lupin turns around as Fidens is getting up. Lupin cracks the chair over Timor’s back twice. Timor, once again, tries to get on his knees. He does, and Lupin cracks the chair right in his face. Fidens falls backwards in a dramatic fashion that you know will show up on some sort of “Best Of” video package. Lupin begins to set up the chair, the back facing Timor. Lupin whips Timor into the ropes and, upon Timor’s return, Lupin delivers a drop toe hold to Timor. Timor hits his forehead against the backrest of the chair, almost immediately splitting him open. Lupin climbs to the top rope, letting the crowd’s reaction sink in, and then leaps off, hitting a devastating Destiny’s Hammer.)

Dustin Larson: I can’t believe Timor’s head didn’t pop off!

Peter Vexnor: If Timor comes out with anything less than a concussion I’ll consider him the victor tonight. That was one of the most vicious chair drops I’ve ever seen!

(In the ring Lupin picks Fidens up and whips him into the ropes. Fidens comes back and gets a palm thrust to the throat. Fidens falls to his knees, clutching his throat. Lupin goes to his three panes of glass. He grabs two of them. Lupin walks back to Fidens and smashes one of the panes over his head. Lupin takes the other pain and puts it against the turnbuckle. Lupin drags Fidens over to the corner and puts him in front of the glass. Lupin hits Timor with a palm uppercut this time. Lupin sets up a chair, walks to the diagonal turnbuckle, and then runs with all his force at Timor. Lupin uses the folding chair to gain air and he hits a Poetry in Motion. Or, at least, he tried to. At the last second, Timor slid out of the ring. Lupin sent himself through the glass.)

Peter Vexnor: I would have, for sure, thought this match was already lost for Timor, but he keeps amazing me!

Shaden Rose: The man is bleeding profusely, but he’s still fighting, which is amazing.

(In the ring, Fidens has the third pane of glass. Fidens folds up the chair Lupin used and puts the pain of glass on it. He then picks Lupin up and gets him in the Tombstone Piledriver position. Lupin begins wriggling with all his might. He causes Fidens to become unbalanced. Finally, Lupin reverses the move and hits an extremely weak Tombstone Piledriver. Lupin gets up and grabs the chair from underneath the pane of glass and climbs to the top rope. Fidens is up and Lupin throws the chair to him. Fidens catches it as Lupin leaps off. Fidens realizes what’s going on and tosses the chair over his head just as Fidens connects with a dropkick straight to Fidens’s face. Lupin goes for the pin. Brian Silcox counts: one, two, Lupin breaks the pin himself. He looks as though he has an idea.)

Dustin Larson: What the hell? Lupin has this match won! Fidens is out of it! What is he doing?

Peter Vexnor: Whatever it is, I don’t think I’m going to like it.

Shaden Rose: Me neither.

(Lupin has slid out of the ring. He lifts up the ring apron and sees what he was looking for, and what Peter Vexnor was dreading: barbwire. Lupin slides back in the ring, just as Fidens is starting to get up. Lupin whips Fidens with the wire. He does it over and over. Each time a little cut opens up on Fiden’s back. On the last whip, the wire sticks in Fidens’s back. Lupin tries to pull it out, but it’s well lodged in there. He takes the slack barbwire and uses it to wrap around Fiden’s throat. The audience is absolutely horrified as to what might happen.)

Peter Vexnor: No, this isn’t right! What the $%#@% is he… NO!

Dustin Larson: Any sane person has his breaking point! This is not right! Timor could die tonight! This is not right!

Shaden Rose: This guy should be with Charles Manson! He shouldn’t be allowed to wrestle with honest, hardworking people!

(With the barbwire now wrapped around Fidens’s neck, Lupin puts Timor Fidens into an arm wrench. Lupin cautiously climbs the turnbuckle. He begins to walk the ropes. Just then, he jumps off and hits a Wyrm Slicer, not releasing the move, and rolls right into a Fang of Fenris. If you know what the hell either of those moves are, congratulations, you’re abnormal. The barbwire digs into Fidens neck but he’s bleeding a little less than you’d expect leading you to believe this is completely safe. Fang of Fenris is a submission move. It is only three seconds before Timor Fidens taps.)

WINNER: LUPIN

Shaden Rose: Oh, thank God! Thank God this horror is over!

Peter Vexnor: I… I don’t think it is. I don’t think Lupin has had enough. LEAVE HIM ALONE YOU SICK BASTARD!

(As Silcox is checking on the horribly beaten Timor Fidens, Lupin slides outside the ring, in search of a chair. Lupin finds two, and brings both into the ring. Lupin sets the two up near one another and then goes for the pane of glass. He puts the pane of glass on the two chairs, and you suddenly realize what is about to happen. Lupin pushes Silcox, rather violently. Lupin drags Fidens to the “glass table” and puts him on it. Lupin climbs to the top rope. Silcox, who is in protest of this, attempts to pull Fidens off the table. Silcox tugs on Fidens from underneath the armpits. The sliding movement causes the glass to fall off one of the chairs, so it’s slanted. Lupin turns around in anger. Nonetheless, he realizes he can cause more pain with that chair directly on the middle of Fidens’s back. Lupin prepares himself as Silcox realizes what is about to happen. Lupin jumps just as Silcox tugs at the other chair. Miraculously, Silcox gets the second chair out from underneath Timor Fidens and Lupin hits a normal Stardust Press. The glass underneath Fidens cracks, but doesn’t break, since it was on a flat surface. A split second later, Lupin is up and tons of security and EMTs rush out from back. Silcox looks frightened as Lupin advances at him. Lupin is stopped by tons of security. The show goes to commercial with EMTs checking on Timor Fidens and security holding Lupin back.)

(Show cuts to commercial. We see a commercial that congratulates Danielle Forsch for winning the Gatorade Halftime Show as well as a commercial for Rush Hour 2 and Rush Hour on VHS and DVD, Visa, and Legos.)

(We return and the stadium is quiet.)

Peter Vexnor: Ladies and gentlemen, what we just saw was one of the sickest events in wrestling history. The condition of Timor Fidens is currently unknown, but if we find out before this show ends, we will inform you.

Shaden Rose: People like Lupin are disgusting pigs with such over the top problems with themselves that they have to force their inner pain on others.

Dustin Larson: He’s… an exciting wrestler… but I’m sick. I’m physically sick… especially because this show is forced to continue.

Peter Vexnor: And, speaking of continuing, I hear we have something going on in the back.

(Backstage at the event the camera is looking around for something. Voices can be heard in the distance but are too fuzzy and unclear to be recognized other than the distinction that one is male and one is female. As the camera seems to get closer it turns around a corner to what seems to be a small buffet. Shadowflare is silent in the background eating from a plate that is on his U.S. Title. The two talking are his manager, Bruce Garrett, who still has a swell on his cheek from where he was punched, and the attractive manager of Rocco Mandullii, Crystal. Crystal is talking loudly now so she can be heard even though Bruce seems to be trying to keep quiet.)

Bruce Garrett: So, what’s this all for? A personal buffet and many other great gifts… What’s the catch? I know Rocco doesn't have this much money...unless you are doing some "extra" work.

(Bruce winks at her and nudges his elbow into her stomach.)

Crystal: No...

(Crystal remains calm but looks agitated.)

Crystal: Look Bruce, we are here to...let's say make a deal with Shadowflare. We want to be the best so we need to work with the best and we want to know what exactly is requested of us to be at your services.

(Bruce whispers something to Crystal.)

Crystal: No way I am doing that $)%#!

Bruce Garrett: Fine. (Bruce gets very quiet, the camera can barely pick it up) Just make sure MD doesn't win that title tonight then.

(The camera cuts back to the announcers.)

Peter Vexnor: Oh my God! Did Monotinous Death hear that?

Shaden Rose: Through this problem that MD has had with Shadowflare there has never been a punch thrown… but… I don’t know if this is wise on Shadowflare’s part!

Dustin Larson: Shadowflare had nothing to do with the decision! It was all that little gay kid. He is setting MD up for a big fall, and I’m gonna love it!

(Mark Scott is in the ring)

Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a scheduled for one fall and it is for the Cruiserweight. Introducing first, weighing in at 225 and hailing from Chehalis, Washington: MONOTINOUS DEATH!

(“Seattle Was A Riot” by Anti-Flag starts to play over the arena sound system. The fans go into a frenzy as Monotinous Death, with wife Kelsey by his side, comes out from the back. He looks ready for a fight. The two get into the ring, very quickly, not letting the fans really get into it.)

Mark Scott: And his opponent weighing in at 227 pounds and hailing from San Antonio, Texas: “THE SHADED ONE” JOHNNY HAWKE!

(Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Count down to the change in life that's soon to come Your life has just begun…. Are you ready…. Are you ready
For us to come?…..)

(“Are you ready?" by Creed begins to blast over the P.A. system. As the crowd begins to boo as “Sassy" Summer Kensington, dressed in a very revealing black leather jumpsuit, comes out. She struts out onto the ramp flaunting her ASS-etts with every graceful stride. Summer turns, facing the entranceway, and pulls out a microphone from her back pocket. Her painted on look seems to be popular with the men in the crowd. Her silky blonde hair, shines in the arena lights. She has on a pair of designer RAYBANS on as she carries "Ole' Lusty" over her right shoulder.)

”Sassy” Summer Kensington: Cut MY music..........(music slowly dies down as crowd begins to boo even louder.) Now I am here to inform all you slackers out there, that tonight The TRUE Champion of the EWA has arrived and he will walk out of this arena tonight still EWA Cruiserweight Champion. That man is none other than the "Franchise" Johnny Hawke...

(Suddenly, enormous showers of pyros blast into the sky as Johnny Hawke, dressed in blue jeans and taped fists, comes out from behind the curtain. We hear a lot of booing when he emerges. The lights in the arena reflect off of his ever-present designer Oakleys as he steps to Summer on the ramp. Summer smiles as Hawke's music plays and he steps to the ramp. Summer bends to the front of Hawke taking her hands and rubbing from his ankles to his chest and stands with her hands out showing him off to the crowd. Then, she takes him by the arm and leads Hawke to the ring. The pyros climax and the music stops. Summer remains at ringside watching Hawke enter the ring through the ropes. Hawke walks in Monotinous Death, not losing eye contact, as Kyle Lake circles around the ring, and calls for the bell.)

Peter Vexnor: In only a short while these two already have a history. MD lost his title, unfairly, because of Johnny Hawke, tonight MD is ready to gain it back.

Dustin Larson: Unfairly? Please! That’s not true. Johnny Hawke had that match one because Monotinous Death made one of the stupidest mistakes in the wrestling business. You NEVER help an opponent during a match. There is no situation in which you should EVER. Period!

Shaden Rose: MD is just a nice guy. That’s what he was raised to be and that’s what he is.

Dustin Larson: Yeah, and nice guys always get their asses kicked.

(Inside the ring MD and Johnny Hawke tie up. The fans are already going crazy. MD gets Hawke into a side headlock. The crowd is going crazy. Johnny Hawke whips MD into the ropes and MD comes back with a shoulderblock. The fans are going hysterical over such basic moves. MD lands two knees to Johnny Hawke’s stomach. MD picks Hawke up and attempts a vertical suplex. Hawke blocks it, trips MD, and launches him into a catapult. MD flies forward and into the ropes. It seems like only a split second, but Johnny Hawke is back up and meets MD with a decapitating clothesline. Hawke picks MD up and whips MD into the turnbuckle. Hawke attempts a shoulderblock, but MD moves. MD grabs the stunned Hawke, backs him into the corner, climbs to the second rope, and hits an arsenal of 10 punches that the fans count down on.)

Peter Vexnor: We’re less than a minute in and these two are already giving no give one way or the other!

Shaden Rose: That’s how Cruiserweights are. They are fast, they are smart, and they’re always ready to capitalize on anyone’s mistakes.

(MD hops down and whips Hawke into the opposite corner, however, Hawke reverses it and MD is sent into the corner. Hawke charges and hits a knee lift to the stomach. Hawke punches MD a few times and finally gets MD down. Hawke lays four elbows to the back of MD’s head. MD fully collapses and Hawke picks him up. Hawke puts his arms around MD and hits a release overhead belly-to-belly suplex. The crowd is booing heavily. Hawke starts to climb the top rope. He gets there and jumps off, ready for a big splash. At the last second, MD moves. MD gets up, a little slower than usually, but doesn’t waste time once he’s up. He picks Hawke up and whips him into the ropes. However, Johnny Hawke, right before reaches the ropes, does a handstand, using the force of the ropes to propel him back and hit an elbow smash. However, MD ducks, barely, and hits a superkick on Hawke.)

Dustin Larson: This is absolutely crazy wrestling!

(MD picks Hawke up and gets him in a side headlock. MD hits a bulldog. MD immediately springs up and climbs to the top rope. MD flips backwards for a moonsault but Hawke rolls out of the way. Hawke gets up and walks over to MD. He picks MD up and whips him into the ropes. However, MD reverses and whips Hawke into the ropes. Hawke catches himself on the ropes and slides out of the ring. He starts to walk away. MD runs towards him, gaining speed. When he’s caught enough, he jumps, flying over the top rope, connecting with a suicide dive to the back of Hawke’s head. Lake starts to count. The two are slow to get up. Lake is on the 3 count before MD moves. MD is the first up, and the 4 count. MD picks Hawke up and tosses him back into the ring. MD gets in and waits for Hawke to stand up. MD gets in a 3-point stance, ready to fight. Hawke gets up and MD runs at him. Hawke pulls Lake in front of him and MD, Lake, and Hawke all go flying from a big flying clothesline. Hawke stumbles backward into the turnbuckle while MD lands safely and Lake lands in a crumpled heap.)

Peter Vexnor: That was not right!

Dustin Larson: That is just doing what you have to do to make sure you win!

Peter Vexnor: But it’s wrong. It’s immoral!

Dustin Larson: It’s what he has to do!

Shaden Rose: Then Johnny Hawke is a pathetic excuse for a wrestler!

(Once this happens, all hell breaks loose. MD is up but Summer Kensington is in the ring and behind him. Hawke gets up just as Sassy taps MD on the shoulder. MD turns around and Hawke capitalizes. He hits a St. Croix Driver on MD. At this point, Kelsey slides in the ring, brandishing a chair. Sassy climbs the ropes when Kelsey comes running. Hawke drags her down by the hair, however. Kelsey lets out a yelp, dropping the chair. Hawke lays Kelsey, face down, on MD. Kensington hits a 360 splash. The crowd is booing veheminantly.)

Shaden Rose: Okay, that Summer Kensington is a bitch.

Dustin Larson: She is so hot!

(Hawke leaves the ring and begins rooting around underneath it. He comes up with a table. Hawke starts setting it up as MD begins to get up. Summer yells to Hawke, who slides back into the ring. Kensington leaves the ring to start setting up the table. MD rolls Kelsey off of him and pulls her close in a loving embrace. Just then, Johnny Hawke kicks MD in the back of the head. Hawke picks MD up and punches him. However, MD blocks the punch. MD punches Hawke. MD punches Hawke three more times. Summer Kensington slides into the ring and MD lays her out with a jumping back kick. MD then goes postal and starts laying lefts and rights on Kensington. Hawke sneaks up behind MD. Kensington is now bleeding from the nose. Hawke taps MD on the shoulder. MD turns around, ducking in the process, knowing his opponent very well. Hawke clotheslines Kensington on accident. MD roundhouse kicks Hawke and whips him into the ropes. Hawke comes back and MD hits a Northern Lights Suplex. The crowd is going crazy. MD goes to his wife’s side.)

Peter Vexnor: I guess that shows you that MD loves his wife very much!

Shaden Rose: He’s a good husband. He beat the hell out of a woman, which I usually don’t condone, because he loved his wife.

(MD wakes Kelsey up. He helps her to stand and helps her out of the ring. With that, MD looks back at Hawke. Hawke is just getting up. MD runs to Hawke, who ducks a clothesline, and just keeps running. MD hops up to the top rope and comes flying back, turning in mid air, hitting a flying shoulderblock. MD gets up when, from out of nowhere, Rocco Mandulli slides into the ring. Rocco turns MD around is about to attack when… “Sexy Boy” starts to play. The crowd is stunned. So are Rocco and MD. Everyone has their eyes on the entrance. Then, with brilliantly bland pyros, Joey Average comes out in his fat ass glory.)

Dustin Larson: Holy crap! That’s Joey Average! I love that guy! It’s the model American! It’s the funniest man in the world!

Peter Vexnor: (Annoyed) It’s Joey Average.

Shaden Rose: That man is disgustingly obese!

Dustin Larson: Ew! And he’s running!

(Joey Average jogs down to the ring, jiggling with every step. He slides in the ring and immediately gets in Rocco’s face. The two yell at one another when suddenly, MD clotheslines both of them. He’s not taking this crap. Rocco is up first and he gets kicked in the stomach. MD hits a Falcon’s Arrow on him. Joey is up soon after and MD is about to do something when Johnny Hawke clobbers MD from behind with ‘Ole Lusty. MD goes down hard. Hawke looks at Joey Average, who acts as though Hawke isn’t there. Joey pulls MD to the ropes and hits a Bonsai Drop on him.)

Dustin Larson: Looks like the tables have turned, Mr. Bond. What a freaking stud Johnny Hawke is!

Peter Vexnor: And what a disgusting pig Joey Average is!

(Inside the ring Joey Average is leaving Hawke to his business. Hawke picks MD up and whips MD into the ropes. MD comes back and Hawke tries for a Sweet Kiss Goodnight. MD barely ducks it. MD, with the last little bit of strength he has, hits a Torture Rack Suplex on Johnny Hawke.)

Shaden Rose: I can’t believe what an effort MD is putting forth!

(Suddenly, maniacal laughter starts as “Am I Evil?” begins to play. The crowd immediately launches into a frenzy of boos as Malum Diabolus comes out from the back. He is starring at MD, who is catching his breath, panting like a dog, leaning against the ropes. Malum slowly raises the microphone. Kelsey slides in the ring, to help MD, if need be.)

Malum Diabolus: I said there will be no warning.

(In the ring Hawke has rolled to the outside of the ring and is resting on the mat while MD mouths “Was that a warning?” Suddenly, the ring erupts with all the sides catching on fire. Hawke is caught by surprise but he takes minimal damage to his arm. MD is caught in the middle of the ring as the flames grow higher burning the ropes and the lights cut out with the flames illuminating the arena. As the camera fades out to the end of Body Count.)

Peter Vexnor: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! MD AND KELSEY ARE IN THAT BALL OF FIRE! WHAT WILL HAPPEN AT EWA ENCAGED?!

(Show cuts out.)