(SHOW OPENER: A man, tall and strong stands in a darkened area. The eerie sound of wind can be heard as smoke whips all around him. He is wearing a pair of wrestling shorts and no shirt. Suddenly, a rustle can be heard. He smiles. "One Step Closer" by Linken Park begins to play. Just as it gets really heavy a ton of intimidating, large people come running at this stranger. We cut to: clips that mix with the song to a T. First we see Malum Diablos powerbombing Jason McGrath. Next, we see The Samoan Warrior eliminating a wrestler. Next, we see Hunter with a big smile on his face. Then, Shadowflare claiming victory by hoisting the US Title over his head. After that, we see Monotinous Death hoisting his title followed by Valykerie hoisting his title, and finally, Malum Diablos hoisting his title. We then cut to a shot of "Sassy" Summer Kensington, followed by a shot of Trish "The Terror" Brooks in the ring, and finally, a shot of Doll Face. Finally, we see Harley Hawkins pulling the chair over his face, Malum’s head bouncing off of it. Malum’s fall to the ground is in slow motion as the song reaches it’s slower period. Then, the "SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU" part hits up the second Malum falls. The mysterious man in darkness is wiping his hands as if to say to himself "Job well done." He walks off as the camera cuts to a close up of a body bag being slowly zipped up. As hands pick it up and start to walk with it, we zoom out slowly. We see four medics loading the body back into the back of a completely full ambulance. It is filled from floor to ceiling with body bags. The medics close the doors and it’s only seconds before the thing drives away. It’s light now. Just as it’s stops at a stoplight it explodes into a brilliant billion pieces. We hear laughter as "Body Count" appears over the screen. Cut to:)
(We’re first treated to fireworks exploding inside the EWA Arena. A capacity crowd is on hand for the new format of the show. Signs like "HAWKE: GONNA SNATCH THE TITLE", "BLOODCROW IS MY HERO", and "SHADOWFLARE IS AN OXY-MORON!!!" The fans are going crazy as we cut to the back.)
(We’re backstage. It’s a larger locker room, that is decked out with a lot of nice things including a full sized fridge that is halfway open. Monotinous Death stands in the doorway of the fridge. He grabs a Gatorade and starts to drink it. God bless Gatorade, it makes you fast and more beautiful! Go buy Gatorade! MD closes the door and is about to sit down when there’s a knock at the door. He goes to it and opens it. He smiles as Chris Michaels and Valykerie enter. MD motions for them to sit on a plush couch as MD takes to a plush chair that faces the couch. As Valykerie sits he gives a short expression of pain.)
Monotinous Death: Hey, thanks for flying back to St. Louis for me, guys. Listen, I wanted tot talk to you two about Shadowflare.
Chris Michaels: Don’t worry about him. He’s not here tonight, and besides, we beat him last Sunday.
Monotinous Death: Yes, I know. I was watching. And, it was a great job on your part, but that’s not going to stop him. The fact of the matter is that he has a beef with all of us because we were his only friends and… well… now we’re not.
Valykerie: (sarcastically) Well, it seems to me that Shadowflare has never needed friends.
Monotinous Death: That’s what he thinks. But, I’ve known this guy for eight years. He and I were best friends. And, there’s nothing he depends on more than other people. Why do you think he’s carting around a pre-peubecant kid?
Chris Michaels: I could answer that, but I think we get enough of that on "Will & Grace."
(All three laugh)
Monotinous Death: Well, the fact is that he surrounds himself with people that are too afraid of him to do anything. I mean, Bruce tells him every chance he gets that Shad is an egotistical moron and Shad just ignores it. I just wanted to let you two know, since I’m friends with you two, that I won’t be coming out to help you if he gets involved in your matches. I’m going to try and stay out of all of this and focus my attentions of promoting this show and promoting the EWA.
Valykerie: Well, hopefully one of my matches coming up he won’t be able to interfere in because he’ll be in it. I don’t care about titles. I don’t care about glory. I just want him. As soon as my injuries from that explosion Sunday he’ll up, of course.
Chris Michaels: You’re starting to sound like Shad when he goes off with Bruce.
(MD and Chris laugh. Valyk hesitates until he realizes Chris meant no harm and he, too, laughs.)
Monotinous Death: Do you guys think you’ll need any help? I mean, I don’t know who would join his little EoD, but he’s running scared… looking for people to align with him… and I have to admit, I’m a little intimidated by a scared Shadowflare. He’s not stable.
Valykerie: I’d like to keep this simple: The only reason I’m with Chris is because I owe him. I owe him for the fact that I bought Shad’s trick hook, line, and sinker. So, until this is over, I’ll watch his back but my debt doesn’t include you, MD.
Chris Michaels: (purposely over-acting) I do declare, that’s the sweetest thing you’ve said to me, Valyk. Kiss me. Kiss me now!
(Chris lunges at Valyk who slaps him away. All three laugh, again.)
Monotinous Death: Well, Chris is a close friend, Valyk. You and I have had our differences and I don’t expect you to be doing me any favors, but I do trust that I don’t have to worry about my friend here (points to Chris) getting double crossed, right?
Valykerie: I’ve never double-crossed anyone in my life but I have been double-crossed once. Because of Shadowflare I feel from a 20-foot scaffold and I remember how much it hurts to be betrayed.
Monotinous Death: I’m sorry for making the suggestion, but I have been wrestling partners with Shad for 2 and a half years now, so I’ve grown weary of backstage politics and backstabbing. I’m sure Chris is, too.
Chris Michaels: Having been in prison, I can tell you there is nothing worse than a sharp pain right in your back.
(MD and Valyk look at Chris with bewilderment.)
Chris Michaels: Naw, I’m just screwing with you guys! Like I’d be any Bubba’s Doris! But, seriously, Shadowflare has dicked with us a lot, MD, and we’ve always taken it because he’s never been at the same level as us. He was never dangerous. Now he is. I think we need to do something about it.
Monotinous Death: I refuse to touch the man lest he come after my wife or myself. So long as he stays his distance and only attempts to break me verbally, I’m not going to launch an attack campaign on him. He’ll learn… it just depends on how long it takes.
Valykerie: Shadowflare’s never been one to learn. But if he comes after your wife, you’ll have my support.
Monotinous Death: Thank you for the noble offer but Kelsey will be safe at all times. She’s at home right now. And, I know that you’ve only known Shadowflare’s bad side. But, you don’t know him like I do. It’s been nearly a decade since he and I first met in New York and Chris and he have known each other for six, he can attest to the fact that Shadowflare can be a good friend.
Chris Michaels: I don’t know, it’s been a couple of years… my mind is a bit murky.
Monotinous Death: Look, he just has to be show that he isn’t popular… that he isn’t "that damn good"… that he isn’t the greatest thing to happen to the world since…
Chris Michaels: Chris Michaels!
(MD laughs)
Monotinous Death: … as Chris Michaels. Take that title from Shad and he’ll know he has nothing.
Chris Michaels: I’ll be more than glad to take that title from him. Then, the EoD will have the Cruiser, the US, and the TV.
Valykerie: Hold on, here. I owe my debt to you. I never mentioned joining any stable, and I don’t intend to join one after what happened last time.
Monotinous Death: Yeah, I’m really sorry to say this, Chris, but the EoD might just be a one-man show. I don’t see a need to be in it. I just see a need to watch out for you two, and for you guys to be careful.
Chris Michaels: Damn. Looks like I’m a Shadowflare.
Monotinous Death: Howso?
Chris Michaels: No one loves me!
(Chris, once again overacting, runs to the corner with his arm over his face, pretending to cry. MD and Valykerie laugh, again. MD gets up.)
Monotinous Death: Well, I’m happy you guys came here tonight. Feel free to hang out here, have any little snack you want, watch TV… do whatever… But, I have to kick this show off, so… Have fun.
Valykerie: Have fun with your announcing debut and I’m glad we all know where we stand.
Monotinous Death: Me, too.
(MD extends his hand to Valyk and…. Valyk shakes it. MD opens the door.)
Monotinous Death: I’ll be seeing you around.
(MD walks out the door as we cut to the arena and "Seattle Was A Riot" by Anti-Flag starts to play over the speakers. It takes a while, but MD finally emerges from the back. The ring announcer, a man in his early twenties with sparkling, blue eyes, and short, light brown hair, speaks.)
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to welcome EWA super star and the first Cruiserwieight Champion in company history to the re-vamped Body Count, Monotinous Death!
(The fans cheer loudly as MD reaches the ring. He gets in through the middle and top rope and walks over to the ring announcer. MD has a three piece, gray suit on. MD gets the Mic from the ring announcer.)
Monotinous Death: And allow me to introduce to the masses, Body Count’s own ring announcer: MARK SCOTT!
(The fans cheer for the sake of cheering. MD waits for them to quiet down.)
Monotinous Death: I, being a Washington born boy my entire life, had always thought Seattle was the coolest city in the world. But, I must admit, I never spent much time in St. Louis!
(The crowd cheers.)
Monotinous Death: Now only does St. Louis have Big Mac, beautiful architecture, and great people but…
(The crowd cheers the qualities of St. Louis.)
Monotinous Death: But, it also is the home of the EWA!
(The crowd goes wild.)
Monotinous Death: Tonight is the dawn of the new Body Count and with everything new comes everything good. I’d like to introduce to you the people that are going to make Body Count an enjoyable show to the masses! Ladies and gentlemen, first, the announcers. Welcome to the ring: Peter Vexnor, Dustin Larson, and Shaden Rose!
(A tall man of 6’6" that is as thin as a wire comes out. He is wearing a shirt that says "Think" on it… definitely not the typical attire for an announcer. He also has cargo pants on and sneakers with duct tape over them. The screen flashes the name "Dustin Larson." Next, is a man of about 5’11" with dirty blonde hair and a frame that shows a little muscle. He is wearing a suit and is wearing glasses. The screen flashes "Peter Vexnor." Finally, a beautiful, black haired woman with a decent bust size. You guess it’s probably a 32 C cup because you’re a pervert and think like that. The woman is wearing a sparkling red dress that fits her form, an incredible form, very well. Her eyes are a dazzling blue. The screen flashes "Shaden Rose." Dustin gets in the ring while Peter spreads the ropes for Shaden to get into the ring. The fans are cheering.)
Monotinous Death: These three will be entertaining our home audience! And now, for those that will be executing backstage interviews! Ladies and gentlemen, Levi Dodge and Chase Donalds!
(A man with dark brown hair, arranged in corn rolls, comes out from the back. He’s as white as can be but wears all black. His shirt says "Malcolm X" on it. He wears a pair of Oakley’s that look much like Will Smith’s in "Men in Black." He walks with a confidant, bouncing stride. The screen flashes "Levi Dodge." Next comes that man’s exact opposite. He’s a tall, muscular, black man that is wearing a suit. The two get into the ring as the crowd cheers.)
Monotinous Death: These two will make sure you get the answers to questions you want to know! And, now, the referees! Ladies and gentlemen: Aaron Glasky, Conrad Bergan, Kyle Lake, and Brian Silcox!
(Two men, small in stature, come out. The one on the left has deep set eyes that make him look like he hasn’t slept in years. He has balding gray/brown hair. He looks to be in his late forties. The man on his right looks very young, he has black hair and hazel eyes. If there were a poster boy for referees, he’d be it. The screen flashes "Aaron Glasky and Conrad Bergan." Next, two very husky men come out. Both look very young and have huge grinning smiles on their face. They’re probably over energetic, getting the crowd pumped by running to either side of the platform and making the "pump it up" motion. The one on the left has light brown hair and is wearing an orange baseball cap, very odd for a ref. The one on the right has curly black hair that is all shaved except for two long bangs that hang down in his eyes. The screen flashes "Kyle Lake and Brian Silcox." All four are in the ring.)
Monotinous Death: Ladies and gentlemen, your EWA Body Count staff!
(The crowd cheers but is already bored with all of this.)
Monotinous Death: And, for tonight only, I’ll be a commentator! Let’s get this started!
(Show goes to commercial. We see a Gatorade commercial, a Taco Bell commercial, and a Legos commercial. We come back. The camera is on our four announcers.)
Peter Vexnor: Welcome to the first of the new EWA Body Count. I’m Peter Vexnor and to my left is Dustin Larson. To his left is Shaden Rose. And, to her left is EWA Cruiserwieight Champion, Monotinous Death!
Monotinous Death: It’s great to be here, tonight.
Dustin Larson: And it’s great to have you here, Mrs. Rose.
Shaden Rose: Um, I think you mean Monotinous Death.
Dustin Larson: No, I mean you. (Dustin attempts a sexy growl.)
Peter Vexnor: Oh! Will you knock it off! The two of us haven’t had a job in two years and already you’re hitting on the new girl! You make me sick! You’re the saddest person I know.
Dustin Larson: You’re just angry I won’t have sex with you, Peter.
Peter Vexnor: I’m married, Dustin, you know that!
Dustin Larson: It’s not my fault it’s failing, now is it?
Peter Vexnor: It’s not failing! We have two kids and we love them both.
Dustin Larson: You "LOVE" your children?! Those poor things! They should be taken to Child Protection Services!
Shaden Rose: Um, I don’t want to interrupt you two, but we have a show to do.
Peter Vexnor: And what a hell of a show we have!
Dustin Larson: Tell your wife I say hi.
Peter Vexnor: WHAT?!
Shaden Rose: (Trying to ignore the other two) Tonight we have five amazing matches! Leading off the show we have Jasmine Diamonds facing off against BloodCrow. Next we’ll see Dawson go head-to-head with Delroy Facey in a hardcore match!
Monotinous Death: I’ve had a chance to wrestle Dawson and he is a tough competitor.
Dustin Larson: Shaden, I think MD is sorry for interrupting you, now please, continue.
Shaden Rose: Um… than you, I guess. After that we’ll see EWA new comer, Draven Suicide taking on Timor Fidens.
Dustin Larson: Delroy Facey… Timor Fidens… You can tell they’re part of the Baby Boomer Generation, bunch of crack-smoking parents naming their kids Moon Unit and Darnubas. What the hell was wrong with the generation of yesteryear?
Peter Vexnor: I just want to inform you MD, and Shaden, since you’re new to this team, that Dustin is severely ignorant. I’d say borderline retarded.
Dustin Larson: Don’t you dare compare me to Danny, Chris Michaels’s friend!
Monotinous Death: This is the most unprofessional team ever! In our fourth match tonight we’ll see the debut of Johnny Hawke’s little brother, Christian, facing off against another rookie, K’Van Knight.
Dustin Larson: His mom probably shot up heroine.
Peter Vexnor: Will you do your job? In our main event tonight we’ll see mixed tag team action as big brother, Johnny Hawke and his… whatever, "Sassy" Summer Kensington, face off against the Beast and Damienne Froste, The winner gets a shot at your title, MD.
Monotinous Death: Personally, I’d like to give everyone a title shot that was a part of that Cruiserwieight Gauntlet match. I hate winning the title the way I did.
Shaden Rose: That’s noble of you. Who do you think will win this tag team match?
Monotinous Death: It’s tough to say. I’ve never seen Damienne Froste wrestle. I know Johnny Hawke has the will and desire to win, but with Summer Kensington in the match, there is a good chance that if she is getting thrown around, Johnny may lose his focus. I know Beast, rather well, he broke my arm, and I know he is… well, a Beast.
Dustin Larson: A Beast in bed, eh? (Dustin slyly smiles.)
Monotinous Death: Why do you ask? Are you interested?
(Dustin has no comeback to this and just sits there dumbfounded.)
Monotinous Death: That’s what I thought. Let’s get on to the first match!
(Inside the ring, Mark Scott stands.)
Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s match up is of normal rules and is set for one pinfall. Introducing first, weighing in at 150 pounds and hailing from Miami, Florida: JASMINE DIAMONDS!
("En Vogue" by Madonna starts to play as the brown-eyed beauty steps out from the back. The crowd is cheering as flash bulbs go off all over the arena. In her silver tank top and black, leather pants, she looks absolutely stunning.)
Dustin Larson: Me likey!
(Jasmine gets in the ring through the bottom and middle ropes. The crowd cheers. Mark Scott continues.)
Mark Scott: And, her opponent, at a menacing 368 pounds and hailing from the Netherworld: BLOODCROW!
(The large BloodCrow steps out from the back as "Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath begins playing. In his armor, the black/red/blue haired wrestler looks very intimidating. He makes his way down to the ring, very slowly, since the armor weighs him down. Jasmine looks as though she is going to have a tough fight, but still has a confident smile. He gets into the ring over the top rope and removes his armor as the announcers speak.)
Peter Vexnor: I’ve never seen such a terrible difference in weight. Jasmine is a mere 150 pounds and is only 5’10". BloodCrow stands an entire foot and then some above her at 7 feet and weights and incredible 368. This is going to be a beating.
Shaden Rose: Leave it to you guys to have no confidence in her. Jasmine is a pillar of strength to the female community. She’s making it in a man’s sport.
Dustin Larson: Can we already start saying made? Because, there’s no way in hell she’s going to live past this match.
Shaden Rose: It may be a lost hope, but she can still make an impact and show the world that she can have a close match with a man more than twice her weight.
Dustin Larson: MADE! She can MADE an impact.
Peter Vexnor: I told you guys: borderline retarded.
Monotinous Death: I don’t want to do it, but I have to agree with Dustin. If she lives past this, I’ll consider it a victory.
Shaden Rose: Just remember, us females always have a plan. We don’t just rush into fights like you men do.
Dustin Larson: I don’t BloodCrow needs to have a plan for this match. He falls over and he lands on Jasmine… match over.
Peter Vexnor: Well, here we go.
(Inside the ring, Aaron Glasky calls for the bell. The bell sounds and the two circle each other. Jasmine rushes at BloodCrow, her head down. She runs right into his arms, but he just pushes her back. She stumbles but regains her composure and runs at him, head down, again. The same results take place and she attempts a third time. This time, she gets caught in-between BloodCrow’s legs and he, without hesitating, unleashes a devastating powerbomb.)
Dustin Larson: I knew I should have slipped her a Mickey before the show. She isn’t going to be alive after this show and I’m no nechropheliac.
Shaden Rose: Excuse me?
Dustin Larson: Uh, nothing. Here, I bought you some Gatorade. Would you like some?
Shaden Rose: No, get that away from me.
Dustin Larson: Oh, come one! One little sip, that’s all I ask.
(Shaden resists Dustin trying to shove the Gatorade in her face. However, it eventually splashes all over her red dress.)
Dustin Larson: NO! There goes fifty dollars!
Peter Vexnor: But Gatorade is on sale at Fullers across the nation!
Dustin Larson: It was what was in the Gatorade.
(Shaden looks angrily at Dustin and begins to remove her dress. Dustin gets really excited. She slips the dress down to her waist revealing a T-shirt that says "Now I’m Pissed, Dustin.")
Shaden Rose: I heard about your tricks. I might as well have just come out wearing this shirt.
Monotinous Death: Uh, guys. There is a match going on.
Dustin Larson: Massacre… big difference.
(Inside the ring, BloodCrow sits atop one of the turnbuckles and Jasmine finally starts to move. Glasky is at the 8 count when Jasmine gets on her knees. She uses the ring ropes to help her up as Glasky almost gets to 10. BloodCrow jumps down and runs at Jasmine. She turns around in time to see him coming and barely ducks a clothesline that could have broken her neck. BloodCrow turns around quickly to see Jasmine flying at him with a shoulder to his gut. He doubles over but doesn’t fall. She hits the mat and quickly gets up. She starts laying lefts and rights to his head. BloodCrow falls back into the ropes. However, he suddenly opens his eyes wide and smiles, as this assault continues. He stands himself up, again and begins forcing Jasmine back. Jasmine continues punching him, but as he stands up straight, she has to punch his stomach, an assault that has no effect. BloodCrow clasps Jasmine’s head in his hands and picks her up. She’s screaming and kicking wildly. He walks over to the ring ropes and tosses her out of the ring. She falls up against the barricade but will probably have a bruised tailbone.)
Dustin Larson: Man that’s a tough bump to take. She’s not going to get any for the next couple of weeks. No man likes a blue butt.
Shaden Rose: You mean you wouldn’t "hit that" as you disgusting pigs say?
Dustin Larson: Of course I would. I’d back up to that ass and smack it all night long. Of course, my Gatorade has been destroyed so I’ll probably have to settle for someone like…
Peter Vexnor: Doll Face?
(Dustin stares at Peter for a second and then busts out laughing.)
Dustin Larson: (through his laughter) I’m not gay.
Peter Vexnor: She’s a she.
Dustin Larson: (laughing harder) Yeah, whatever you say! I think it is half man, half woman… like God was thinking of a man and was typing it up on his computer and accidentally changed the "he’s" to "she’s" half-way through.
Monotinous Death: Have you ever talked to her? She’s nice. She just… is strange.
Dustin Larson: And a virgin for life.
Monotinous Death: As are you.
Dustin Larson: Hey… you… yeah… shut up!
(Glasky is at the 8 count with Jasmine standing up, rubbing her butt. She slides back into the ring. BloodCrow lays kicks to her back. She is totally helpless. BloodCrow picks her up and puts him under his arm for The Purgatory, his finisher. However, Jasmine does a very acrobatic flip onto BloodCrow’s shoulder. However, due to his height, she can’t clear him, and she gets stuck up there. Almost immediately, BloodCrow lands an over the shoulder stomach breaker. BloodCrow holds Jasmine in place and gets back up. He sits down again, hitting another stomach breaker. He gets up again and does the same thing.)
Peter Vexnor: Jasmine Diamonds is being decimated!
Shaden Rose: This is sickening.
Monotinous Death: This is exactly why I don’t let Kelsey wrestle. I think that the only women that have a decent chance against BloodCrow are Trish Brooks and maybe Brettany Haze.
Dustin Larson: I don’t see how Jasmine can complain after this match. Her stomach is going to hurt but she’s not paying for this experimental way of being neutered.
Shaden Rose: Izzy G hired me to teach the world of how women can be dominant in this sport and it’s men exactly like you that make my job so difficult!
Dustin Larson: You’d be making a much better wage as a stripper would. Look at those ta-tas!
(As the camera cuts back to the ring we can hear a slapping sound and Dustin saying "Ow!" Inside the ring, BloodCrow is just taunting is opponent, who he has since let off his shoulder. She lies in the middle of the ring, trying her hardest to get up, while BloodCrow circles her. She gets up unsteadily and "accidentally" falls into BloodCrow’s groin with her head down. This head butt renders the first look of pain on BloodCrow’s face this entire match. She quickly stands up and he falls to his knees. She goes around behind him and applies a sleeper hold. The crowd grows bored.)
Shaden Rose: This is exactly what I’m talking about! Jasmine had a plan. I don’t necessarily agree with low blowing a man, but in this case, I think it’s acceptable.
Dustin Larson: What about just blowing a man?
Peter Vexnor: Dustin, you haven’t taken your eyes off Shaden all night and haven’t made one call either! If you keep this up, you’ll be fired!
Dustin Larson: Oh, um, nice uh… (Dustin looks to the ring) sleep hold. Now, my answer, Shaden.
Monotinous Death: Would you like to switch seats with me, Ms. Rose?
Dustin Larson: I knew you were gay, MD, you want to sit next to me.
Shaden Rose: I’d be delighted to Mr. Death.
(As the camera cuts to the ring we hear a punching sound and Dustin screaming "Ow!" Jasmine has BloodCrow on the brink of passing out. Finally, he falls forward and goes limp. Glasky takes his hand to make the count: one, two, thr… no! BloodCrow’s had stays up and, while he uses the other hand to get back on his knees, he grabs Jasmine’s hair. He begins to stand up and, once his other hand is free he grabs more of Jasmine’s hair. Finally, he leans forward quickly and flips her over his head by pulling her hair. As she falls with a painful scream the camera closes in on BloodCrow’s hands. He has clumps of hair in them. BloodCrow has a triumphant smile on his face as he lets the hair go and hits an elbow drop to the chest of Jasmine. BloodCrow wastes no time and is already back on his feet. He picks Jasmine up and puts her under his arm. Without ceremony he hits The Purgatory.)
Peter Vexnor: Well, it looks like it’s over. She tried valiantly, but Jasmine could not overcome the mammoth of a man, BloodCrow.
(Inside the ring, BloodCrow pins Jasmine as Glasky counts: one, two, three. BloodCrow stands up and looks victorious despite the fact that the entire crowd is booing him unmercifully. "Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath starts playing.)
Monotinous Death: Is she still alive?
Dustin Larson: I think so, her boobs are raising and lowering so… yeah, she’s breathing.
Monotinous Death: Good for her
Peter Vexnor: Indeed, kudos are deserved to Jasmine Diamonds she did an admirable job and didn’t back down from a man twice her size when half the male populous of this federation is afraid of him.
Shaden Rose: That’s exactly what I was thinking, Peter. She stuck in there.
Dustin Larson: (sarcastically) Wow! That’s not the first time I’ve heard a woman say Peter thinks a lot like him.
(The show cuts to commercial right as Peter is in the middle of something that would have been bleeped out. We see commercials for McDonald’s, Gatorade, Visa, and one for Truth.com. We cut back.)
Peter Vexnor: MD, now that he have a chance to ask you a few questions in-between matches, we’d like to know what you have to say about Shadowflare.
Monotinous Death: Well, Shadowflare is a great athlete.
Dustin Larson: Quit sucking up to him. Are you afraid of him or something?
Monotinous Death: I’ve known Shadowflare for eight years. There is NO reason for me to be afraid of him. Shadowflare has a lot of power but when he has a personal vendetta he loses all composure. He becomes easy to beat.
Peter Vexnor: I meant more about how you are reacting to his interview yesterday, rather than his in-ring abilities.
Monotinous Death: There isn’t much for me to say, really. He said a bunch of garbage that just shows how scared he is.
Shaden Rose: Well, he said that you begged him to get you a job.
Monotinous Death: I’ve been a part of the business for 6 years and I’ve slowly grown more and more popular. It’s hilarious that he even said something like that. I’m the one that got him wrestling. He used to practice samurai stuff, I don’t even know what. He was a ridiculous looking goof that needed direction. His parents were both crack heads and I’m sure his "master sinsce" was a crack head, too. I just wanted to help him out. He’s forgotten that. And, no I didn’t beg him for a job. He called me up one night and said that he’d meet me at a hotel in New York for a get together and I didn’t want to be a prick about it, so I went and I was ushered up to this gigantic sweet and there, on the desk in the sweet, was a contract for the EWA and a note that said "Welcome Back." I do have him to thank for getting me back into wrestling, I guess, but I was planning on calling Izzy while I was hanging out with Shad that week, anyway.
Peter Vexnor: And, we know it’s a painful memory, but Shadowflare brought up the passing of your brother recently.
(You can tell he has legitimate emotion and sounds of pain in his voice.)
Monotinous Death: That was the darkest day of my life. That’s the night I lost myself in a blind anger and I killed my own flesh and blood. But there is no way that he should be used in such a vulgar way to further some sort of angle with Shadowflare. I won’t stand for it.
Shaden Rose: I’m sorry, MD.
Dustin Larson: My mother just recently passed away.
Shaden Rose: Well, rhinos only have a life expectancy of 40 years.
(MD and Peter laugh.)
Dustin Larson: This is garbage! Let’s just get to the next match, shall we?
Peter Vexnor: I have no problem with getting this night over with as soon as possible so I can get away from you.
Dustin Larson: Likewise.
(Mark Scott is in the ring.)
Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a hardcore match and it is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at 287 pounds and hailing from Huddersfield, England: "THE ENGLISH X-TREMIST" DELROY FACEY!
("Hate Me Now" starts playing as Delroy walks out from the back. He is wearing his signature "X-Tremist" shirt. There is a noticeable amount of female cheering from the crowd. Of course, the entire arena is cheering for him. When he reaches the ring he slides in and stands up. He takes his shirt off, much to the female portion of the audience’s approval, and throws it to the fans.)
Mark Scott: And his opponent, weighing in at 260 pounds and haling from Sturgis, South Dakota: DAWSON!
("Whatever You May Roam" by Metallica starts to play over the arena sound system as Dawson comes out to a crowd of cheering fans. He has a shopping cart of weapons. He rides it all the way down the ramp way and jumps off a second before it crashes into the side of the ring. Some contents spill but the cart mainly dents a little. Dawson slides in the ring the match is on.)
Shaden Rose: Well, here we go! These two are wasting no time.
Dustin Larson: This match may not have a woman, but I’m assuming it’s going to be better than that sleep of a first match.
Peter Vexnor: Well, with that shopping cart of weapons, we’re at least promised something exciting.
(Inside the ring, Dawson and Facey are both exchanging punches in the middle of the ring. The crowd doesn’t seem strongly in favor of each wrestler, they’re just cheering for the sake of cheering. Finally, Dawson gets the upper hand by ducking a punch from and then kicking Facey in the stomach. Facey doubles over and Dawson lays some elbows to his spine. Dawson whips Facey into the ropes and follows him. As Facey bounces off he gets met with a clothesline that sends him over the top and next to the shopping cart of items. Dawson leaves the ring and starts rooting through the shopping cart.)
Monotinous Death: That’s what I like about Dawson’s attitude, he’s always trying to get it over with as soon as possible. He stands up to a tough task and tries to disassemble it in only a few minutes to show the fans that he means business.
Peter Vexnor: That’s very true. He’s never been one to take his time unless he has a grudge with the person, then he savors every moment.
Dustin Larson: Here we go! HE’S GOT A BIG STICK!
(In Dawson’s hands is a Kendo stick. Delroy is on all fours, trying to get up, when Dawson brings the stick violently over Delroy’s back. Delroy falls back to the ground. Dawson hits him five times in what seems to be a one-second time frame. He picks Delroy up by the hair, so that he’s on his knees, and cracks the Kendo stick over Delroy’s head. The thing busts in two. Dawson goes back to the shopping cart. Dawson finds a stop sign. He takes it and goes back to Delroy. Delroy is just lying on the ground. Dawson picks Delroy up and tosses him back in the ring. Dawson then slides in. Delroy is on his knees, with his back to Dawson. Dawson winds up his stop sign and, in a batter’s stance, swings it at Delroy’s head. However, Delroy, from sheer exhaustion and pure luck, falls forward right before the stop sign connects.)
Shaden Rose: Talk about lucky for Delroy! He’s already been destroyed and he just barely missed decapitation.
(Dawson lost his balance for a moment with that powerful swing. He regains his composure and drops the stop sign. He picks Facey up and walks him over to the stop sign. He sets Facey up for a Russian Leg Sweep. However, before the move is executed, Facey lands a few elbows to the side of Dawson’s head. It should be noted that Facey’s face is bleeding from where that Kendo stick broke over his head. Facey grabs the stop sign on the ground, taking advantage of the few seconds he has. Dawson comes at Facey but Facey hits him with the stop sign. Dawson drops like a fly. Facey is quick to the top rope. Dawson gets up, slowly, his back to Facey. He sees the stop sign on the ground and picks it up, ready to mess Facey up some more. However, he turns around to get a dropkick to the face with the stop sign in-between. Facey slides to the outside of the ring and goes mulling around in the shopping cart. He tosses in a garbage can, a cooking pan, and a cheese grater. Finally, he finds what he wants: a baseball bat.)
Dustin Larson: I guess Delroy Facey is going to try and impress some Cardinal scouts tonight!
Peter Vexnor: This is going to get ugly!
(Facey slides into the ring and walks over to Dawson. He slams the baseball bat down, but at the last second, Dawson rolled out of the way and out of the ring. Facey runs over to that side of the ropes and slides out, too, with no Dawson to be found. Facey looks all around him, but sees no Dawson. He quickly lifts up the ring apron and crawls underneath it. Just as he has fully emerged himself underneath the apron we see Dawson pop out on the other side. He rushes over and gets a chair. The second Facey pops out Dawson will be ready to smack him. However, what Dawson doesn’t see is Facey coming out on the exact same side that he entered. Facey slowly sneaks over to where Dawson is and taps Dawson on the back of the shoulder. Dawson turns around, chair in front of him, to get dropkicked back to the ground.)
Dustin Larson: At least this crack baby, Facey, has some smarts.
Monotinous Death: It was also a weak plan on Dawson’s part. If the guy that is chasing you doesn’t emerge from the back in, like, five seconds, you turn around!
(Delroy picks Dawson up and whips him into the ring stairs. The thud is loud and the top step flies off. Delroy runs over to it and picks it up. He slams it once over Dawson’s back, something you know must have hurt because Dawson is spasiming on the floor. Delroy picks Dawson up and walks him over to the Spanish announcers’ table. He kicks Dawson a few times in the stomach and lands an uppercut that sends Dawson sprawling right onto the table. Delroy slides into the ring and climbs the top rope. He is about to jump off when he sees Dawson slide off the table. Delroy tries to catch himself, but doesn’t do a very good job, and falls forward. He hits his jaw on the table, pretty hard.)
Shaden Rose: That was a sickening display.
Monotinous Death: It’s just one of those risks you take a s a wrestler. I can tell you that there have been plenty of times where it’s just been me crashing through a table.
Dustin Larson: I don’t doubt that, MD, but there’s a huge difference between an opponent sliding off right before you land a move and you falling off the top turnbuckle because of your own stupidity.
Peter Vexnor: In all due respect, Delroy Facey was attempting a move and tried to stop himself, but his momentum carried him.
(Back to the match, Delroy is down and Dawson is ready to capitalize. Dawson picks Delroy up and starts punching him in the jaw. Delroy is in obvious pain, the blood covering his face. Dawson tosses Delroy back in the ring. Dawson, without getting back in the ring, starts to climb the turnbuckle. He gets to the top and hits a frog splash on Delroy. He goes for the pin and Conrad Bergan counts: one… two… th… kickout. Dawson is angry and gets up. He picks Delroy up and kicks him in the gut. Delroy doubles over and Dawson puts him between his legs, ready to execute the Final Call.)
Dustin Larson: Here we go! It’s time for the Final Call of the night for Delroy!
(Dawson tries to lift Delroy, but Delroy blocks. He tries, again, but it doesn’t work. Finally, a third time, Dawson gets Delroy up. Facey unleashed a barrage of punches to Dawson’s face, though. Dawson stumbles around and Facey hits a frankenstiener on Dawson. It’s amazing to see considering both are so tall and heavy. Delroy stands up and throws his hands in the air. The fans are rallied behind him. He goes to he cheese grater that lies in the ring. He grabs it and walks over to Dawson. He sits in Dawson’s back and pulls his head back. Facey scratches at Dawson’s face with the grater four times. Blood begins to trickle down Dawson’s face. However, it start’s pouring once Facey applies an ankle lock. Dawson is screaming in pain as he tries to get to the ropes.)
Peter Vexnor: An amazing comeback by Delroy Facey! Maybe this rookie should be looked at as a top of the line competitor!
Monotinous Death: I had heard the name mentioned before on the Indy circuit as being a very strong rookie, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen him wrestle, and I must say, I’m impressed.
Dustin Larson: But is name is Delroy! His parents were crack heads!
(Dawson reaches the rope, just barely, and Bergan forces Facey to break the move. Facey picks Dawson up and whips him into the rope. Dawson comes bounding back and Facey, in one swift move, picks Dawson up over his shoulder, turns in mid-air, and hits the X-Treme Consequence. The crowd is going nuts. Facey goes for the pin: 1… 2… 3. The fans are chanting "Facey, Facey.")
Peter Vexnor: An amazing comeback topped off with a giant victory over a veteran for Delroy Facey!
Shaden Rose: He did a great job, tonight! I don’t really like hardcore matches, but that was an amazing display of desire on Facey’s part.
Monotinous Death: Indeed. He wanted to prove to the vets backstage that he could beat someone the likes of Dawson.
Dustin Larson: Next up for the crack baby is Monotinous Death.
Monotinous Death: I’d love to take this guy on. I mean, he looks like an opponent that would give me a challenge.
Dustin Larson: Tell me, MD, why did you decide to get involved in a profession where all you do is touch half-naked men all day?
Monotinous Death: I have a better question, Dustin. Why did you decide to get involved in a profession where all you do is sit and watch two half-naked men touch one another all day.
(The show cuts to commercials. We see a Visa commercial, a "Mick Foley Is Good" commercial, and a Gatorade commercial.)
Peter Vexnor: Well, we’re back and we’re at the halfway point of the show!
Monotinous Death: It’s only going to get better from here!
(Mark Scott is in the ring.)
Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at 255 pounds and hailing from Memphis, Tennessee: "THE WIDOW MAKER" DRAVEN GENOCIDE!
("One" by Metallica plays as Draven steps out from the back to an uproar of cheers. His mask glints in the light as he excitedly makes his way down to the ring. He gets in and Mark Scott continues.)
Mark Scott: And his opponent, weighing in at 328 pounds and hailing from…
(Mark pauses and smiles.)
Mark Scott: … a place you all fear: TIMOR FIDENS!
("Fear" by Disturbed plays as Timor comes out to a chorus of boos. He only smiles and rolls his dark eyes into the back of his eyes. He slowly makes his way down to the ring, letting each and every boo sink in with every step. His sinister smile grows wider and wider and he stares at Draven in the ring.)
Dustin Larson: He’s from a place you all fear? He lives inside a man’s behind?
Shaden Rose: Dustin, if you’re afraid of it so much, why do you visit so often.
(The three announcers not the butt of that joke laugh.)
Monotinous Death: Timor means, "fear" in Latin and this guy is definitely a scary competitor. At 7 feet tall he’s one of the tallest competitors and among the heaviest. He’s just a big man.
Dustin Larson: Thank you Mr. College Graduate for that rousing Latin lesson.
Monotinous Death: (laughing) You forget, I never graduated college.
Dustin Larson: No, I didn’t forget that you’re a failure.
Shaden Rose: Now, boys, don’t make me get between you, two.
Dustin Larson: A three-way, eh?
Peter Vexnor: Why did Izzy hire you?! Did he not see your old footage from he ACW?
Dustin Larson: I think the owner of that company refused to release that footage to Izzy, thank God.
Peter Vexnor: But Izzy was in the ACW! We’ve commented some of his matches.
Dustin Larson: That’s why I’m happy the fans here in the arena can’t hear us!
(Inside the ring the bell sounds and the match begins. Timor comes running at Genocide but Genocide side steps. Timor and Genocide tie up and Timor gains the upper hand by kicking Genocide in the stomach. Timor hits a few elbows to Genocide’s back and whips him into the ropes. Genocide leap frogs over Timor, comes bounding off the ropes again, and hits a spinning head scissors on the giant wrestler. Genocide quickly gets up and starts to climb the top rope. He launches off with a moonsault but Timor gets his knees up in time. Timor gets up and walks over to Genocide. He hits a leg drop on him and then picks him up. He lifts Genocide over his head and walks him over to the ring ropes. He drops him, stomach first, onto the ropes. Timor then whips himself into the ropes opposite of Genocide and comes back. With Genocide still hanging by his stomach on the ropes, Timor hits an elbow to the back of he head. Genocide falls back into the ring.)
Dustin Larson: That masked wiener is getting his ass kicked! I love it!
Peter Vexnor: Genocide definitely has to come up with a new game plan than "Get elbow to the back, get elbow to the back, get elbow to the back."
(Timor has Genocide on his feet now and whips him into the ropes. Genocide reverses and whips Timor into the ropes. Timor comes bounding back and Genocide hits a jumping heel kick to Timor’s face. Timor stumbles back and Genocide is instantly on the offence again. He’s punches Timor in the stomach with lefts and rights. Genocide whips Timor into the ropes and its Timor’s turn to reverse. Too bad for Timor, though: he telegraphs a back body drop and Genocide kicks him in the face on his way back. Timor falls back and Genocide jumps on him, hitting a hurricanrana. Genocide goes for the pin as Kyle Lake counts: one… two… kickout.)
Shaden Rose: Well, "The Widow Maker" is showing the world just how he creates widows.
Monotinous Death: Yeah, this guy is really intense. And, he’s fairly agile for his size. It’s difficult to hit a hurricanrana whether you’re 5’6" or 6’, but to do it at 6’3" is incredible.
Peter Vexnor: Right now I see no reason to fear Fidens, he isn’t doing anything spectacular and he’s facing a guy nearly 100 pounds less than him and almost an entire foot shorter!
Dustin Larson: Timor is just playing possum, fruitcake. He’ll come bounding back, trust me.
(Genocide gets up and starts to climb the top rope. Timor gets up while Genocide reaches the top. Genocide turns around to get a top-rope powerbomb from Timor. Timor goes for the pin. Lake counts: one… two… thre… kick out.)
Peter Vexnor: At the last second, Genocide was able to muster up enough strength to kick out! Amazing display of desire!
Monotinous Death: That’s the marking of a true up and comer. When you can feel your entire body coursing with pain… and you STILL kick out… that’s when you know you’re going to make it big.
(Inside the ring Timor Fidens is having a little fun with Draven Genocide. He’s calling for Draven to stand up. Draven eventually gets up but he wobbles right into Timor’s hands. Timor picks Draven up and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Timor picks Genocide up and walks him over to one of the turnbuckles. Timor gets up and picks Genocide up. This is a very slow, and very cautious. Timor gets Genocide ready for The Fear Effect, a top rope jackknife powerbomb, one of the hardest moves to execute in the world. Timor gets Genocide up and… Genocide turns this jackknife powerbomb into a top rope frankenstiener!)
Shaden Rose: He’s a masked ballerina, practically! This match is almost like dancing!
Dustin Larson: (flicking a fake tear) That’s a hallmark statement if ever I heard one. You should sell shirts that say that.
Shaden Rose: (ignoring Dustin) Let’s hope we can get more action like that in this match!
(Genocide is already up and the fans are going nuts. He picks Timor up and runs with him into the ring post, hitting the Genocide Drop, a tornado DDT. Genocide goes to the top rope as Timor lays motionless. He motions to the crowd, which is going crazy with anticipation. He chooses his time and jumps off, landing the Web of the Widow Maker right onto Timor’s windpipe. Genocide goes for the pin as Lake counts: one… two… three! "One" by Metallica plays.)
Peter Vexnor: Talk about an upset! The mysterious Draven Genocide comes out with victory tonight!
Dustin Larson: Wasn’t there a Draven in the Naked Gun series?
Monotinous Death: That was Dreben. And, even if it was Draven, there is no comparing the two! Draven is definitely going on my list of wrestlers I’d love to have a match with, just because he seems to be worth it.
Dustin Larson: I see how it is. You want to face all the wrestlers from Body Count because they’re all… losers.
Monotinous Death: Not at all. I’d love to face any wrestler. We just happen to be doing Body Count so I’m seeing some of the talent here. And, for your information, none of these wrestlers are losers. Each and every one of them are talented and risk their health for something they do.
Dustin Larson: How poetic. You know, feminine men usually make poetry.
Monotinous Death: I don’t know about that. I mean, to me, the most poetic sound in the world is the sound of a man’s nose breaking.
(MD clenches his fist.)
Dustin Larson: (Obviously afraid of MD) Damn straight. It takes a real man to make poetry! I make poetry! Wanna read?
Shaden Rose: Sounds like you’re pretty effeminate, Dustin.
(Show cuts to commercial. Strangely enough, we get two Gatorade commercials in a row and then a McDonald’s one, followed by a Pepsi commercial.)
Shaden Rose: Monotinous Death, you’ve been in this business for six years now and you’ve seen a lot, correct?
Monotinous Death: I’d like to think so. I’ve seen a lot of crazy stuff, backstage and in the ring. If you want crazy stuff, you want to see the APW.
Shaden Rose: Well, in six years, you’ve become very accomplished. However, you’ve never held a World Title and your former best friend, Shadowflare, has now held the World Title in the NSW and held the US Title, which was the highest honor here in the EWA for a while. How do you feel about that?
Monotinous Death: Like I’ve said, I’m proud of Shadowflare. He won the US Title fairly, here. But, in the NSW, he didn’t earn the World Title. Still, he held it and defended it like a champion. He’s a great wrestler. However, to me, the Cruiserwieight title has meant a lot more. Often times, I’ve found that men under 225 are much more talented because they can pull off an entire arsenal of high impact moves. That’s why I praise the title so much.
Peter Vexnor: Certainly admirable. It’s rare you find a wrestler that isn’t in it for the glory.
Monotinous Death: Well, glory is definitely a part of it. I mean, I’m not angry that I get tons of fans mobbing me everywhere I go, asking for an autograph. That is a lot of fun. But, yeah, titles just show that you were able to win and keep winning. It’s really just a trophy, not really saying you’re the best.
Dustin Larson: So, meathead, what do you think about Shadowflare talking about that whole drug planting thing that Valykerie did?
Monotinous Death: The funny thing is that Shadowflare expects people to believe that. Valykerie is a stand up guy. He’s done a few dirty deeds here and there, but when you’re barely hanging on for survival, you have to do what has to be done. For the first time in years Valyk was making a steady wage and he was meeting new people. He’s definitely a different character, but he’s not a backstabber. What’s really funny, though, is that I know for a fact that Valykerie couldn’t have afforded that much cocaine at that point in time. And, I’ve known Shadowflare for 8 years, like I’ve said a million times. The guy, was, as Dustin likes to bluntly put it, a crack baby. Everyone has his or her dark secrets.
Shaden Rose: Are you accusing Shadowflare of being a cocaine addict?
Monotinous Death: I’m not saying an addict. The guy is a smart businessman and he knows exactly what can screw his career up. I can’t say I’ve ever seen him drink or smoke before, but, let’s just say, when I was at his house one night, I got pretty messed up when I sprinkled sugar on my ice cream.
Dustin Larson: Mickeys in ice cream… I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.
Monotinous Death: Dummkopf, it wasn’t a Mickey!
Peter Vexnor: Well, there you have it folks, take it for what you want. But, right now it’s time for the pre-main event pitting the rookies K’Van Knight against Christian Hawke, the younger brother of EWA super star, Johnny Hawke. Let’s get to Mark Scott.
(Mark Scott stands in the ring.)
Mark Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at 285 pounds and hailing from Camelot: K’VAN KNIGHT!
("Who Do You Think You Are?" by Union Underground plays as K’Van Knight makes his way out. Aislin Wolf, his manager and wife, is right behind him with her organic whip. The crowd isn’t too sure how to react to the couple, but because both are dressed in all black, they start booing. The two get in the ring.)
Mark Scott: And his opponent, weighing in at 248 pounds and hailing from Miami, Florida: "THE ANSWER" CHRISTIAN HAWKE!
(Hard Base pounding techno blasts throughout the Arena. Blue, red, green, and purple lights streak through a strobe light. Christian Hawke steps out from behind the smoke. Christian's hair is soaking wet. Little drops of water trickle down his back and shoulders, into his trench coat. He hold his hands up in the form of an "A". While this is going on, sparklers flare and the Megatron lights up with images of Christian pounding away at Froste. Then, flying from the top rope onto Rampage. Then, standing in the cage looking over at Hunter. And finally, Christian standing side by side with long time tag team partner, Kamikaze. Christian makes his way down to the ring as he turns his back to the camera, showing the logo on the back of his trench coat. It reads: "The Answer". Christian slowly removes his jacket as a shot of Andy Studd is seen over the Megatron. Andy is holding the W4 World Title. Christian turns around and sees the picture of Andy. Christian asks for a microphone. Mark Scott hands him the microphone. He walks to the center of the ring slowly and looks up at the picture.)
Christian Hawke: Well, Studd, the last "great" champion of the W4, I found your punk ass... Let's look back, oh "Great Champion." How did you get that title? Someone sabotaged my name and proclaimed that I had quit... Studd you claim, that you are the best in the W4, that's fine, but just remember, your days are numbered BITCH!!! And in due time, "The Answer" will be given to all who speculate on who would really be the champ... Studd, survival is a way of life, not a choice. And, when its said and done, you will be begging me to spare your big dumb ogre looking ASS!!!
(Christian tosses down the mic and turns around to get a boot to the face by K’Van Knight.)
Peter Vexnor: Christian Hawke just paid for wasting time by yelling at a picture! Great way to get the advantage by K’Van Knight.
Dustin Larson: What do you expect from a seasoned veteran?
Peter Vexnor: Well, actually, I believe K’Van is yet another rookie in the EWA.
Dustin Larson: Well, I just figured he must be a veteran since he’s, like, 500 years old. Didn’t Camelot fall, in the 1500’s?
Shaden Rose: Maybe he was born on the ruins of Camelot.
Dustin Larson: I don’t know, we have a guy that lives in Camelot, one from the Netherworld, one from Transylvania, and one that lives in another man’s ass… this federation is weird.
Peter Vexnor: Oh, will you shut up! No one lives in an ass!
(K’Van is on the offensive. He whips Christian into the ropes. Christian leap frogs K’Van and catches himself on the ropes. He quickly jumps onto the middle ring rope and jumps backwards, hitting a flying elbow on Knight. Christian gets up, as done Knight. Christian takes Knight down with an armdrag. Knight gets back up and Christian hits another armdrag. Knight gets up and Christian punches him in the face and goes around back, getting him in a chicken wing, and then suplexing him.)
Monotinous Death: The speed of this kid is mind numbing.
Shaden Rose: It’s like watching lightning!
(Christian hits a few elbows to the back of K’Van, taking up about 25 seconds. He then picks K’Van up and whips him into the ropes. K’Van comes bounding back and hits a shoulder block on Christian. K’Van then whips himself into the ropes as Christian gets up. He hits another shoulderblock on Christian. Knight picks Christian up and whips him into a clothesline. Knight then applies a Texas Cloverleaf. Christian starts flailing in pain.)
Peter Vexnor: K’Van Knight, the man that little is actually known about, is showing ring smarts. Destroy your opponent’s legs and what else do they have?
Dustin Larson: Wait, wait, wait! Was this guy born inside a Camelot Music Store? Like that one chick in "Where the Heart Is" giving birth to a baby in Wal-Mart?
Shaden Rose: You are such an idiot!
Monotinous Death: Wait, wait, wait. I think the more important issue here is the fact that Dustin watched "Where the Heart Is."
Dustin Larson: I did it because my girlfriend wanted to watch.
Peter Vexnor: Now there I know you’re lying. The only girlfriend you have is Hustler magazine.
Dustin Larson: Yes, and Skankonia wanted to watch "Where the Heart Is" so get off my damn case!
Shaden Rose: I think it’s adorable that you watched "Where the Heart Is" alone.
Dustin Larson: Really?
Shaden Rose: No.
(The three announcers laugh as we cut back to the ring. It’s been about 26 seconds and Christian has finally reached the ropes. He was bringing his hand to tap out but he reached the ropes instead. Aaron Glasky counts for Knight to let go. He lets go at the 3 count. K’Van picks Christian up and starts kicking at his knees. K’Van climbs to the top rope, with Christian wobbling badly. Christian wobbles right into the ropes and Knight falls right on his crotch. The crowd gives out a "Oh!" in unison. Knight falls into the ring as Glasky counts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, Christian is on his knees, 6, 7, Christian is up. Christian goes over to Knight and picks him up. Christian hits a head scissors on Knight. Christian picks Knight up again but Knight headbutts him. Christian falls backwards, pinning Glasky in between him and the ring post. Knight comes running at Christian. At the last second, Christian ducks and Glasky gets pounded.)
Dustin Larson: Hell yes! No ref, no rules! This rules!
Shaden Rose: Well, it looks like all hell is about to break loose!
(Inside the ring Christian stands up and ducks another clothesline from Knight. Knight turns around to get a boot to the stomach and a DDT. Christian slides out of the ring and goes rooting around outside the ring. He’s looking for something. The fans are chanting "We Want Wood." Sure enough, Christian pulls out a table. He stands up just in time to get a baseball slide to the face. K’Van Knight gets out of the ring and starts to set up the table as Christian Hawke lays motionless against he barricade. Knight gets the table all set up and goes to pick Christian up. BAM! BAM! Two punches to the face by Christian. C. Hawke whips K’Van down the long portion of the ring, right towards the ring announcers. Christian jumps up on the ring barricade and starts running along it. K’Van stops himself from running into the ring announcers’ table and turns around. Christian comes flying off the barricade and hits a flipping neck breaker.)
Peter Vexnor: Win or lose, Christian is definitely having an amazing debut! He’s showing it all off!
Dustin Larson: And there’s still one table that has yet to be broken!
(Christian picks K’Van up and walks him back to the table, giving him a few shots to the ribs on the way there. He throws Knight onto the table and then climbs up the ring post. He is about to jump when he sees Knight roll off. Christian, unlike some, stays right where he is. He waits for Knight to stand up and… Christian hits a twisting hurricanrana on Knight. The crowd is going nuts.)
Monotinous Death: Wow! This kid is acting like a veteran of more experience than even I am!
Dustin Larson: That’s because you suck.
Monotinous Death: I don’t know, I heard you swallow.
(Everyone, but Dustin, laughs yet again.)
(Christian puts Knight back on the table and climbs the turnbuckle again. The crowd are chanting "Break Wood, Break Wood, Break Wood" Christian flies backwards, hitting a moonsault onto Knight, through the table. The crowd can’t get enough. Christian gets up and tosses Knight back in the ring. Christian slides in and goes for the pin…. Of course, Glasky is way out of it and Christian gets pissed. He goes over to wake Glasky up. It takes him a while, but he helps Glasky up. Knight is up by this time. He runs at Christian. Christian slides out of the ring quickly, not knowing Knight was behind him. Knight clotheslines Glasky again. Christian was getting a chair. He looks up at Knight with a look of sheer anger. Christian slides in the ring with the chair and rolls away from a barrage of kicks. He gets up and runs full steam at Knight, with the chair. Knight ducks the chair but Christian, without even turning too much, superkicks Knight in the face. Christian gets Knight up and walks him over to the ring post. He puts him in a tree of woe.)
Dustin Larson: That was hysterical! Glasky is getting more punishment then some wrestlers do!
Shaden Rose: It’s not funny! That more man is just in there to officiate a match and he’s getting beaten around.
Peter Vexnor: Both times were lucky moves on Christian Hawke’s part.
(In the ring Christian is kicking the crap out of Knight with devastating boots to the midsection. Christian climbs the turnbuckle, using Knight’s crotch. Knight is screaming out in pain. Christian relents and lets Knight down. Knight curls up in a fetal position. Christian picks him up and hits a reverse suplex so close to the ropes that Knight’s head bounces off the top, only to come crashing down even harder on the ring apron. By this time Conrad Bergan has come running down to officiate. Christian picks K’Van Knight up and motions to the crowd. In one swift movement he hits The Rebirth. The fans are going rabid with cheers as Christian goes for the pin. Bergan counts: one, two, three! Bergan raises Christian’s hand in victory. Christian pulls away and walks over to the camera. He yells: "I’m coming, the wrath has been unleashed!")
Peter Vexnor: Indeed, it has! What a crazy match! Christian was dominant for the most part, but that’s besides the point! It was all about his amazing Arial and hardcore skills!
Shaden Rose: I think I’ve seen some things I never thought possible! I mean The Rebirth, alone, was amazing!
Dustin Larson: I say this here and now. This guy is such a stud. It takes balls to do what he did.
Monotinous Death: Christian definitely had a well mapped out game plan. He came here ready to win and that’s exactly what he did!
(Show goes to commercial. We see a Visa commercial, a Vans Shoe commercial, a promo for the show after Body Count, and then a Gatorade commercial.)
Dustin Larson: It’s almost time for tonight’s main event, he mixed tag team match. Let’s hope that both these teams drank their Gatorade because it makes you not only more beautiful and smarter, but also a lot stronger.
Peter Vexnor: Tell me something, Dustin. How much did it cost the Gatorade Corporation to buy your soul?
Dustin Larson: An undisclosed three-figure contract!
Shaden Rose: Like, 100 dollar/three-figure contract?
Dustin Larson: Damn, the details of the contract have already been leaked.
Peter Vexnor: They’re paying you $100?
Dustin Larson: Yeah, isn’t it great?
Monotinous Death: I remember getting paid that much to set up rings in the APW. That’s a pathetic pay!
Dustin Larson: Don’t be jealous! At least I don’t rely on Shadowflare for a contract!
Monotinous Death: Hey, I don’t either. But don’t you think you should have asked for more?
Dustin Larson: You’re just jealous because you don’t have a contract with Gatorade.
Peter Vexnor: (Changing the subject) MD, we’re finally at the main event. This is the match where we get to see who gets to face you. How do you feel? Who do you want to win?
Monotinous Death: Personally, I’d like to see both teams win. I’d love to face either opponent. Everyone in this match has talent.
Shaden Rose: Well, as you said earlier, Hawke has the drive.
Monotinous Death: Yeah, but he also has a close friend involved. But, then again, he also has the Wolf Gang, so I mean, there is a lot stacked against The Beast.
Peter Vexnor: Well, here we go!
(Mark Scott is in the ring.)
Mark Scott: The following contest is a mixed tag team match for the number one contention of the Cruiserwieight Title and it is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, the team of "Sassy" Summer Kensington and "The Shaded One" JOHNNY HAWKE!
(Creed hits the PA as we hear: "Hey, Mr. Hero walking a thin, fine line under the microscope of life. Remember your roots, my friend. They’re right down below ‘cause heroes come and heroes go." The Megatron flashes pictures of Summer Kensington, in all aspects, from thin line, short dresses, revealing business suits, and every one’s favorite, the Wolfgang painted on bikini. Then, ten, night, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Count down to the change in life that's soon to come Your life has just begun…. Are you ready…. Are you ready? For us to come?)
(Suddenly, we see "Sassy" Summer Kensington stepping onto the ramp. She is wearing a black pair of Gucci shorts with a black T-shirt with a picture of a white wolf on the front, the word "Wolfgang" is printed on the front and written in hot pink we see the name "SASSY" on the back. She has a microphone.)
Summer Kensington: Ladies and gentlemen, the EWA proudly brings to your attention, a man with many talents, a man with skill, a man with most…I give you the Epitome of Excellence, the champion of champions… "The Franchise" Johnny Hawke!
(Suddenly, enormous showers of pyrotechnics blast into the sky as Johnny Hawke, dressed in blue jeans and taped fists, comes out from behind the curtain. We hear a lot of booing as he appears. The lights in the arena reflect off of his ever-present designer Oakleys as he steps to Summer on the ramp. Summer greets him by extending her hand out to him. She takes him by the arm and leads Hawke to the ring. The pyros climax and the music stops. Th two get into the ring.)
Mark Scott: And their opponents, the team of THE BEAST AND DAMIENNE FROSTE!
(The Beast comes out, rather unceremoniously, to no music. He looks determined to win. He stands outside the ring.)
(The lights in the arena go out and "Violence Fetish" by Disturbed begins. Blue lights flicker on and Damienne Froste is standing at the top of the ramp. She's wearing a pair of baggy black cargo pants, tight blue T-shirt, and black combat boots. She raises her fist into the air. A fist that is clenching a Louisville Slugger baseball bat in it. She grins slyly, and walks down to the ring especially steering clear of her tag partner, The Beast.)
Monotinous Death: Well, I’m giving the team of Summer and Hawke more support in this one. Froste and The Beast aren’t even co-operating.
Shaden Rose: We’re ready to kick this puppy off!
(The Beast and Johnny Hawke start things off. The two tie up. Johnny gets the upper hand by whipping The Beast into the ropes. Johnny hits a DDT. He gets up and picks The Beast up. The Beast punches The Hawke a few times and then kicks him, picks him up, and hits a brainbuster. The Beast picks Hawke up and tosses him into the ropes. The Beast telegraphs a back body drop and Hawke kicks him right in the face. The Beast stumbles backwards and Hawke picks The Beast up for a Fall Away Slam.)
Monotinous Death: Wow, there isn’t any give in this match.
Peter Vexnor: This is going to be exciting!!!
Dustin Larson: Woah! Calm down, Peter, sounds like you’re about to wet yourself.
(Hawke has The Beast up and goes around behind him. He is about to suplex him when The Beast lands some vicious elbow blows to Hawke’s ears. Hawke released the hold and cups his ear. The Beast tags out to Froste. She wastes no time. She runs at Johnny and hits a northern light suplex. She goes for the pin as Brian Silcox counts: one… two… kickout. Froste gets up quickly and picks Hawke up. Hawke gets whipped into the ropes but reverses it. Hawke comes bounding back with a jumping leg lariat. This nearly decapitates Froste. Hawke tags out to Kensington. Kensington comes in and almost immediately, it becomes a cat fight. The two are slapping the hell out of one another. Finally, Froste ducks a punch and superkicks Kensington down. She picks Summer up and hits a tornado DDT. Froste walks back to The Beast and tags him in.)
Monotinous Death: I have to give credit to both teams! They’re doing an amazing offensive job!
(The Beast goes over to Summer and picks her up. She kicks him in the crotch and runs to Hawke, tagging him in. Hawke is a little surprised but he gets in the ring, nonetheless. The Beast is running at him. Both hit a clothesline on one another. Both go down. Silcox counts: 1, 2, 3, 4, Hawke starts moving, 5, The Beast is on his knees, 6, 7, Hawke is up. Hawke picks The Beast up and walks backwards, towards the ref. He taunts The Beast. The Beast gets up and charges at Hawke. At the last second, Hawke pulls Silcox in front of The Beast. The ref is out cold. At that instant both Summer and Froste come in. The two girls start exchanging slaps while Hawke gets an upper hand on The Beast. Hawke wraps around The Beast and hits a German Suplex, followed by another German suplex, and topped off with a Dragon Suplex.)
Peter Vexnor: All hell has broken loose!
Shaden Rose: Johnny Hawke has gone outside the perimeters of the EWA rulebook tonight! He’s cheating to win!
Dustin Larson: He’s smart.
Monotinous Death: If he has to cheat to beat The Beast he is really going to be surprised when he wrestles me… granted he wins tonight.
(Inside the ring, Summer has taken advantage of Froste and is holding her by the hair. She throws her across the ring like this and Froste goes skidding out of the ring. Meanwhile, Hawke is now on the top rope. The Beast is up and Hawke launches off for a dropkick. The Beast barely avoids it and Hawke crashes down. The Beast picks Hawke up and hits a belly-to-bell suplex on him. At this point, Christian Hawke comes running out from the back. He’s yelling to Froste. She looks at him as makes it to ring side. She looks into the ring and he grabs he by the hand... You can hear him yelling "Pyretta Blaze is backstage and she is throwing a fit. Their gonna arrest her." Froste hesitates for a moment and then Christian begins the drag her backstage. Suddenly the two sprint off together. However, she stops at the top of the ramp way and says something like "How can I believe you." Christian smiles, steps back, and hits the Majestic Vision, a version of the superkick. He laughs and makes his way back down to the ring.)
Monotinous Death: It’s a solid tactic, but this just isn’t right. One of the people is out cold on the top of the ramp… the ref is out… and Johnny Hawke and Summer Kensington will probably win.
Dustin Larson: You worried?
Monotinous Death: Not at all. But I hate a wrestler that has to cheat to win.
Dustin Larson: He doesn’t have to. He’s just taking out extra insurance.
(Inside the ring, Summer leaves the ring and waits patiently outside the ring. The Beast picks Hawke up and punches him a few times. The Beast whips Hawke into the ropes, but Hawke reverses it. Hawke hits
a rolling clothesline. He goes to Summer to tag, but she jumps off the apron and shakes her head no. Hawke looks pissed. He picks The Beast up and executes the Sweet Kiss Goodnight. He then calls for a microphone. Mark Scott tosses one in the ring and Hawke catches it. He is visually angry.)
Hawke: Alright, seeing as you two obviously can’t fight each other," Sass", It’s time for you to make a choice.
(Summer stands looking at the two men.)
Hawke: Alright! Enough with damn soap opera.... This is wrestling! That means you’re either with me or against me! Choose!
(Summer stands looking at Beast…….Just then Christian Hawke gets into the ring. He attacks Beast from behind. He forces Beast to one knee in the ring. Christian has a hold of Beast by his hair, making him look at Summer.)
Hawke: Now before you make your choice Sassy, let me remind you of one thing. When you run with Hawke, the world is yours for the taking. While, with Beast, you will just be shuffled in the mix like the rest. I know how to make you the star. You’ve always wanted to be.
(Sassy looks over to The Beast, then back at Hawke. Her eyes are filled with tears, as she walks up to Beast, as Christian holds him to the mat. She looks into the eyes of The Beast and then steps back toward Hawke. Hawke walks over to the end of the ring….and pulls out Ole’ Lusty.)
Hawke: I want to hear his bones snap.
Hawke hands Sassy Ole' Lusty. Hawke gives the signal for Christian to hold Beast down. Christian forces The Beast down and stretches his arms in front of him. Sassy holds Ole’ Lusty over her shoulder. She looks down at Beast, and she starts shaking….)
Hawke: DO IT NOW!!!
(Summer jumps with fright at the sound of Hawke’s yell and rushes over Beast. She raises Ole’ Lusty up over her head… …The crowd begins to BOO…but the sound of Hawke’s voice takes control over the crowd. Summer closes her eyes, and swings Ole’ Lusty connecting to the arm of Beast…..
You hear the sound Of Beast yelling….in pain……Christian leaving him to lie in pain. Hawke is laughing……as he looks at Summer)
Hawke: Good Girl!!
(Sassy stands there holding Ole ’Lusty down by her side, just looking at The Beast lay in the ring yelling in pain. She drops Ole’ Lusty, and takes off running back stage. Christian exits the ring for Johnny to make the pin.)
Shaden Rose: That was wrong! That was sick! That shouldn’t have happened!
Dustin Larson: It just shows everyone exactly what Sassy is… a wench… a whore!
Peter Vexnor: No! The Beast has just been brutalized! Leave him alone!
(Inside the ring Hawke has picked The Beast up. The Beast holds his own arm in pain. He takes The Beast’s bad arm and whips him into the ropes. He picks The Beast up and hits The Texasbreaker on him. He goes for the pin… but there is no referee. Christian starts pushing Silcox, telling him to get up. Groggily, the ref wakes up and sees the pin. He starts the count: one……… two……… three. NO! Kickout by The Beast!)
Dustin Larson: No! No!
Monotinous Death: The Beast is a great competitor and he has a never say die attitude. But, even this… this is amazing!
(The Beast is the first up, still clutching his arm. Hawke is up pretty quickly, too. But he is in disbelief as to what just happened. The Beast starts kicking Hawke in the stomach. He takes his good arm and punches Hawke backwards. Hawke kicks The Beast in the arm and The Beast stumbles backwards. The two spend a good 15 seconds looking into one another’s eyes. Then, at the same instant, the two whip themselves into the rope. Both are going for a cross body block and both land in a disgusting manner. The Beast has an arm over Hawke though… But… wait… Hawke has an arm on The Beast! Silcox counts: ONE… TWO… THREE! The bell rings.)
Dustin Larson: Johnny Hawke is the winner! He’s the winner!
Peter Vexnor: Wait, I don’t think that’s what just happened. I… I think they both pinned each other!
Shaden Rose: Who won?
Monotinous Death: If anything, I say give it to The Beast, he deserves it more than The Shaded One.
Dustin Larson: Bullocks! You just want to face a man that may have a broken arm.
Monotinous Death: Broken arm or not, with the way he wrestled with heart tonight, he could still probably beat you.
Dustin Larson: I don’t doubt there are two many one armed people that would have trouble beating you.
Peter Vexnor: (Cutting off MD) Ladies and gentlemen, that’s all the time we have tonight! Watch Sunday Night Warfare to see how this mess gets sorted out! For Dustin Larson, Shaden Rose, and Monotinous Death, I’m Peter Vexnor! Good night!