Greetings! Welcome to Holyland!
variety of attractions for the HOLY family!
Big Thunder God Mountain
-Visit Jesus' mother at Mary's Grotto
( Please have your cameras and autograph books ready upon arrival, Amen.)
-Be afraid of The Atheist Encounter
and the Haunted House of the Lord complete with 999 Holyghosts
-Enjoy an ice cold beverage at Purgatory Plaza Pavillion
while the little ones play on the
Honey, I Circumsized the Kids Playground
Pharoah's River Rapids
or take a voyage with
Hebrews of the Caribbean
(Please pardon our Holy dust while we continue our immaculate construction)
is the Festival of the Zion King Show
(formerly the "Hell In A Handbasket" Skyway)
to the exciting 20,000 Leagues Under the Flood,
The Scary Adventures of Snow White and the Seven Sins,
Peter Pan and Mary,
and finally the Legend of the Jew King-Live on Stage!!
and "Journey from Heaven to Hell in 0.69 seconds!"
The Burning Bush Bar & Grill
or partake in The Fast Supper at
The Collection Plate Restaurant
or try the sinfully delicious Apple Pie at the
Garden of Eden Grill
For a light afternoon snack visit
Cheeses Of Nazareth
located near World Domination Showcase
Bare in the Big Jew House-You won't be disappionted!!
-Don't forget to see the X-treme sports and rock musical show,
or the 3D adventure, "Its Tough to be a Fag" Show!
located deeply inside the ornately carved Closet of Life
-Meet ALL the Characters in the Bible in Jesus' Trinity Town Fair
The Chariot Ride
thru the parting Red Sea
YOU MAY GET WET
Listen To The Lamb River Tour
-Bring a box of tissues when visiting The Wailing Wall of Presidents
-Take note of our 3:00 "Remember the Inquisition Parade" and our nightly Electric Crucifixion Parade
-Participate in our Honey, I Excommunicated the Audience
and Three Kings Jamboree Shows
Come enjoy Mary Magdalene's Wild Ride
WARNING:GUESTS WITH HEART,BACK OR NECK PROBLEMS SHOULD NOT RIDE
- Close in on your inner demons at the
Countdown To Exorcism
-Like getting wet? Swim on over to Blasphemy Beach with the Dead Sea wave pool or our oldest HOLY water park: River Styx Country
may we suggest
The Grand Reconcilation Resort
located on the Seven Sins Lagoon
-DON'T FORGET OUR YEARLY SPECIAL EVENTS
- don't dance the night away at Night of Jew
and Jesus' not so Scary Dinner Party where Christ's body and blood is included in every ticket price.
-Got any Questions or gripes? Hop on over to Guest Relations complete with Confessional
- Admission only 30 pieces of silver for adults
-Or get an Annual Pass and be born again and again and again
ISLANDS OF EVANGELISM
Featuring the new ride:
MEN IN BLACK: RABBI'S ATTACK
It is in NO WAY related or connected to the actual
Holyland Experience theme park in Orlando, FL.
I DO NOT have show times, park hours or ticket
prices, and news of your church group going to
Orlando is useless knowledge to me.
Thank you ... the Holyland -- Parody webmaster.