26 September 1999

I hate the World today. And I hate open houses. And I hate moving furniture. And I hate waking up when I'm still tired.

I want to scream and pull out all of my hair or shave it off. And I want to paint my world clear so that I can see through everything and everyone and paint a better picture.

And I hate people who hate their lives and who feel sorry for themself and ruin everybody elses day, week, month, self-image. And I want them to undertand real hurt. I want them to feel the hurt they inflict on everyone around them. Not the shallow empty hurt they think they feel.

We build our own fucking prisons and you have to break yourself out. So fuck Pat. If he's unhappy with the life he made for himself then get the fuck off his lazy, criticizing, mean, spiteful, hateful, negative, domineering, demeaning, disrespectful, ugly ass and do something about it rather than fucking up everybody elses moods. What does being mean accomplish. Not a damn thing. Nothing. Zilch. Zip. Zero. So why is it so damn hard to be nice to people?

It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so phoney. Little two-face. He and mom both.

I ain't no saint, but at least I'm open about what kind of person I am.

And I love how Brian is always running his big mouth and it gets back to mom that one of her kids said this or that. But of course it's automatically me that had the problem. She's got a rude awakening coming. Someday she'll see that out of her kids I'm the most stable.

And I loved her little comment about how everyone thinks I'm nuts and her little dig about what an actress I am.

Fuck That!

If she can't see what her and Pat do to us emotionally then she's sick. No, she is sick. Maybe it's not her fault. Maybe it's because of the way grandma was with her. But she's sick. But "no" she'll say "grandma had no effect on any of them". Then how come my uncle is gay and bitter and my aunt's probably going to have a nervous breakdown? Aunt Sandy is the most normal of the group.

If my mom's ok, why has she been married three times and they've all been shitty relationships? And why wasn't she married to my dad? He wasn't a catch either. He's old enough to be my grandfather. What's up with the drugs and the bitchyness, the shoplifting, the mafia, and all of that...the moving so much. Sure!

She has three
BAD
kids and her marriage is just fine. Whatever. And she knows it too. And we're all certain he hasn't even been faithful. but she "knows" he has...she's stupid enough to ask him. That's fine. She's had a screwed up life. My family is dysfunctional. Why the hell can't she just leave me alone. And him too. I'm sick of it all.