19 May 2000

Squirming Swirling Spiraling downward. Hurling these angry bitter thoughts at nothing because there's no one there. I hate this place where I have stopped. I hate who I have become and I want out of this place. Vacate your harshness and find a new home-the perfect heart to feel safe and secure.

Everywhere I turn is a dead end. Everywhere I run, I quickly run away from.

Why can't I be good and pure and beautiful? Why did I fuck it all up? Why did I make myself ugly, angry and bitter?

"I want to smash the faces or those beautiful boys, those Christian boys"-Tori Amos

I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. I'm choking on tears and guilt and frustration and anger and no relief comes from any direction.

Wingless one, fallen angel, sparkling sinner who sparkles no more. My anger shines forth like the tacky lighting of Vegas. Does everyone see through my facade? Can anyone else feel my rage at the world?

Can anyone tell I'm numb? I don't care anymore. I won't care. I can't care.

Maybe I'm the "evil" woman Don says I am. But he only says that because he is bitter...someone hurt as much as I have been.

I want to scream but I can't wake my neighbors because they are all pathetic losers who have nor purpose in life than to spy on everybody else, spread rumors, and cause problems.

I want to go skinny dipping. What would they think about that? H hate them! Why can't everyone just mind their own business? Why does everyone have a say in the way I live my life. Everyone but me. Well, I'm sick of it.

They want me to be a bitch. So, I'll give them one. I'm sick of being walked on. I'm tired of taking it and I won't. I'm not going to take it. And I won't ever be fucked over again. I won't let anyone hurt me. They can't. I'd rather die than continue. Not really.

I'm terrified of death at this point. I'm sitting here looking at my life and not satisfied. I'm disappointed. What does God think? I'm not anything near perfect. I never have been and the way things are going-will I ever be?

I'm afraid to die. Afriad I'm not good enough. Afraid I'll never wake up. I mean if I don't wake up I'll never know that I didn't-but my family and friends will and the people I care about will know I'm a failure. I don't want to be a failure. It seems like that's all I am and no matter how hard I try...no matter how much I struggle- I'm drowning. Life is drowning me- filling my nostrils- gagging me.

I need fresh air. I need to get away from this place and these people and these things and these thoughts and I need to grow new petals and shed this bitter dew.