Mike D's Finance Seminar
Dirt No. 4 (1993)
Mike D's Finance Seminar
The word on wealth from Beastie Boy/financial genius Mike Diamond, a man with the skills to pay the bills.
GET RICH QUICK. The words stand out like shit in a punchbowl, drawing immediate attention to themselves in classified advertisement sections of newspapers or on late-night cable. Accompanying the eye-grabbing headline are usually a few questions designed to make you say yes: "Would you like to earn an additional $40, $50, $60 or $100 thousand per year?," "Would you like to be your own boss, own a mansion and a yacht?" These secrets (and many more) will be unveiled in a radical new one-time-only money-making seminar later this month in the conference room of the Howard Johnson's on the outskirts of town. The cost of attending this amazing event and having the secrets of success (shared by the legendary financial wizard) is practically chicken feed, a mere $89.
The reality-check to all this is, of course, a hearty hell no. But if those seminars weren't profitable they wouldn't exist, highlighting the fact that people have always been competitive for that elusive prize called money. And order to save what little money they already have, people will part with some of it if they think they're getting a deal -- especially a deal that promises easy, big-time bucks (a theme in the plot of every single Sanford and Son episode). Because what is really being sold by these hucksters at their More Money seminars and Amway distributorship openings is not a product, not a service, but the chance of a lifetime: A bargain.
My own philosophy for getting rich can be summed up with my two favorite cash-isms:
1) "As long as they keep on makin' it, I'm gonna keep on gettin' it." A friend of mine named Spuddie, who sold watches on a NYC street corner outside of Bloomingdale's, said that one. This is the aggressive money-harvesting attitude that keeps hard-sell kinda guys like Spuddie afloat. 2) "The only thing between you and other people's money is the other people." I made that one up. It basically means there are ways to get cash if you can provide what the other people need.
In essence, there's a certain amount of money in the world, and part of it is yours. How much you feel comfortable claiming and how to gain access to this currency is your problem. Money is a frame of mind, and work is selling your time to somebody else. How much your time is worth depends on what you know, and anything beyond knowing the bare essentials to garner minimum is a case scenario known as the skills to pay the bills. Ask yourself: What skill, service or product can I uniquely offer? If you said, "Nothing," then you have a couple of options here. One is to take an internship and get free training and networking opportunities while learning a skill. Of course, this is in exchange for your principle commodity, which is spare time -- in other words, you're tolling for free. But nothing beats the hands-on approach to learning, and your investment of time will pay off in the long run. Working in the music and video business, I've seen countless cases of people who started out working an entry-level job and eventually secured high positions at their respective companies. For instance, at Grand Royal [the Beastie-owned record label] there's a guy named Max. I'm still trying to teach him a couple things -- this week I'm trying to learn him how to speak English on the telephone.
Once he masters that, it'll be easier on me, his employer, and therefore easier on him. Then we can talk about getting paid. Interning at a record company might not be possible in all areas of the country, but you could easily be hired as, say, a plumber's apprentice (and learn how to plumb) in Anytown, USA. I interned once at a publishing company, which taught me all I need to know about jobs: 1) That I never wanted to work for anybody. And 2) The whole point of working is to do something you're good at, because you're good at it. Point #2 is often overlooked.
Another approach to finance is completely avoiding it, as in learning to live on no money. As far as I'm concerned, this is the ultimate situation: to survive without currency and be happy. I spent a few years in the no-money cycle, and it has its virtues -- it frees you from the agonizing humiliations that jobs can inspire. However, society at large views those without dough as relatively worthless, and you're kind of limited in terms of what you can do when it comes to entertainment, sleeping arrangements, eating and transportation. If you don't have the patience or disposition for indentured servitude or the no-money lifestyle, I advise you to go the entrepreneurial route.
HOW TO SELL A PARROT (Economics, Spuddie-style)
An example of this method is the old parrot scam. You go to a pet store, or better yet, a wholesale bird market. You buy parrots at a discounted price (you can work this one bird at a time, or go for the volume discount and buy a small herd). Then you go to a local craft or import store, i.e., Pier One, and purchase exotic-looking but inexpensive bamboo cages. Put a bird in the cage and dream up an identity. An indentity is a must. Think of American cars -- basically they're all the same, right? But you buy a Cadillac over the Chrysler because of the name and the mystique. It's the same with the bird. The more exotic sounding the breed and place of origin, the better. Recently I found out that because of the depreciating rainforests, rare species are commanding top dollar on the black market and are now the third most profitable illegal activity in South America, behind drugs and gambling.
Go to places where people have money and are already in the frame of mind to spend it, such as the local jewelry district in your town, or the local upscale mall. Offer a tragic tale as to why you have to let these priceless birds go at a fraction of their actual value -- here's something for $3,000, but you can buy it for $300, right now. You invested $30 for a bird, $20 for a cage and a few hours time. Boom. Always remember, you're not selling parrots, you're selling a _bargain_, and nobody wants to miss out on one of those.
You can substitute any product or commodity for parrots in this equation as long as there's a demand for the item (obviously, don't get carried away with your sales pitch and sell rat poison as Godiva chocolates). What is your area lacking? Consider it your job as an entrepeneur to decide what your town lacks, advertise it and provide it. But there are surer means for accumulating capital.
OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY (the Mike D Method)
First of all, you could try straight out working and take whatever employment is available. For a lot of people this means a minimum-wage job at a gas station or Burger King. Now, I believe in a basic respect toward everybody, but this is not the case for a lot of society, many of whom condescend toward people who work minimum-wage jobs. If you hate your job already, the last thing you need is somebody with a shitty attitude telling you that it sucks to clock $4 an hour. So it would make sense that finding work related to the field you're interested in is key, but a lot of times this seems impossible or is overlooked. For instance, the guy who hates working at 7-Eleven but does so he can afford to buy guitar equipment and rock out after work might be happier working in a record store, which at least involves music.
If you haven't got the hard-sell business spirit of Spuddie but want to explore the possibilities of entrepreneurism, then you have to choose a product that will sell itself. Example: Not everybody wants a pet bird, but who doesn't enjoy a good movie? Scan the classified section of your newspaper (in LA there's an all-classified paper called The Recycler). Study the movie/video/camera equipment column and look for 16mm movie projectors. Get one (if you pay more than $200 for a used projector, you've been taken in by a parrot-like scam). The next step is to visit a library and check out whatever 16mm films look interesting. Get one. Now find any available room, some furniture (optional) and advertise this den around town as a screening room showing movies, charging X-amount to watch. Boom. If 20 people pay $5 each to see Star Wars or Enter the Dragon, you've paid for half your investment costs right there. And you can even provide concessions at outrageous prices, like real theaters do. Boom again.
By reading this, I hope you realize you just saved $89 by avoiding a cheesey Get Rich Quick seminar. Do you know what you can do with $89 worth of parrots on the streets of LA? Boom.
