"Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."

Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.

"Musical accompaniment provided by..."

Lead the spectators in a Wave.

Have a sing-a-long.

"You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."

Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.

Do a puppet show.

Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

Imitate Groucho Marx.

Mime the defense.

Hold a Tupperware party.

Have a bikini-clad model in charge of changing the overheads.

Charge a cover and check for ID.

"Anybody else as drunk as I am?"

Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...

Use a Super Soaker to point at people.

Hold a raffle and give door prizes.

"Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."

"And now, a word from our sponsor..."

Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.

Whine piteously, beg, cry...

Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.

The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")

Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).

Have strolling models give a fashion show during your presentation.

"Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."

"I'd like to thank the Academy..."

Give previews and show cartoons before you start.

Require a two-drink minimum.

Black tie only.

Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

Release a flock of doves.

Give your defense by proxy.

"There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."

Bring your pet boa.

Do a "show and tell".

Stage a food fight.

Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.

Provide a halftime show.

Sell those big foam "We're number #1" (sic) hands.

Pass out souvenir matchbooks.

Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.

Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (made-up non-existent room number)"

Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.

Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X, Y, and Z" - *before* your defense happens.

Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.

Make committee members wear silly hats.

Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.

Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

"The responsorial psalm can be found on page 724 of the thesis..."

"I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'Simon says any questions?'. You're out."

Dress in top hat and tails.

Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

Use shadow puppets to illustrate your charts.

Show slides of your last vacation.

Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

"OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

Have everyone pose for a group photo.

Laugh maniacally.

Talk with your mouth full.

Start speaking in tongues.

Answer every question with a question.

"Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."

Hand out 3-D glasses.

Say, "I'm rubber, you're glue," to any criticism.

Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.

"I don't know - I didn't write this."

Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.

Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".

Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.

"I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"

Hide.

Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"

Same as above, except use real bullets.

"Well, I saw it on the Internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."

Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.

Play Thesis Mad Libs.

Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.

Do your entire defense operatically.

Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")

Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.

Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")

Claim political asylum.

Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.

Arrange for live radio and TV coverage.

Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"

Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.

Use a TelePrompTer

Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.

Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.

Bring all the dogs from the neighborhood to the defense. If someone asks a question you can't answer, release a cat from a concealed box.

Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.

"By the power of Greyskull..."

Stand on the table.

Sell commercial time for your talk and ad space on your overheads.

Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.

Set up a table to sell autographed copies of your thesis.

"You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I *could* have done..."

Of course, the question has to be asked "Why do a thesis at all?" Did Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, Demi Moore, Ross Perot, Tom Cruise or any of those really rich computer, Hollywood, sports players, politicians, etc. waste their time working on advanced degrees? Of course not. This is proof that graduate school's only purpose is to keep otherwise troublesome people off the streets and employed as slave labor at universities.