Hard to Say I Love You

“Maybe I should get my hair cut,” I thought to myself out loud.

“No, you shouldn’t. I love your hair.”

“Oh, Kevin, you surprised me. I thought you and Fatima went to go practice.”

“We were going to, but she had things to do, so she cancelled. I thought I’d just spend the day with you. Is that okay?”

“Oh, definitely. Now come here and give me a kiss. I haven’t seen you in a month.”

He gladly obliged me. We stood in the bathroom for 5 minutes just holding each other. I miss him so much when he leaves, but I know that he’s got a job to do. I took his hand and led him into the kitchen. I was starving.

“Do you want some breakfast?”

“Yeah, I haven’t eaten yet and I’m hungry.”

We chatted while I made scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. The phone rang and I asked Kevin to get it. It was A.J. and surprisingly, he wanted to talk to me. I wiped off my hands and took the phone from Kevin.

“Hey Manda! Wussup?”

“Not much. Kevin and I are eating breakfast.”

“Cool. Hey, what are you two doing today?”

“Uh, I’m not sure. Let me ask Kevin. Hey baby, what are we doing today?”

“Whatever you want. I’m here to spend time with you.”

“We’re not sure what we’re gonna do today, A.J. Why?”

“Howie, Brian, Nick, and I are all going to go to Disneyworld and want to know if you and Kev want to come with us.”

“Let me ask Kevin if he wants to go.”

“Go where?” He asked.

“A.J. Brian, Howie, and Nick are all going to Disneyworld and want to know if we want to go with them.”

“Have you ever been to Disneyworld before?” he asked.

“No, I haven’t. But didn’t you used to work there?”

“Yeah, he did. He was Aladdin.”

“Thanks A.J. C’mon Kev, let’s go with them. It’ll be fun.”

“All right. Let’s go.”

“Okay, A.J. we’re gonna go with you.”

“Great. Now did I hear something about breakfast?”

I laughed, “Yeah you did. I’m about to make some more eggs and put some cinnamon rolls into the oven. Would you all like to join us?”

A.J.’s voice got really quiet and muffled. I guessed he was talking to the other guys. Then I heard him shout, “Hey Brian! Amanda’s making cinnamon rolls!”

I heard a muffled shout of joy and A.J. laughed hard.

“Um, A.J. this is costing you money. Cell phones are expensive.”

“Okay. We’ll be there in about 5 minutes.”

I hung up the phone and went back into the kitchen to make some more eggs and put the cinnamon rolls into the oven. Kevin walked up behind me and put his arms around my waist. He leaned down to kiss me but the doorbell rang. He went to answer the door, and sure enough, it was A.J. Howie, Brian, and Nick. They all burst into the house like a pack of hyenas, loud, and wild. They all came over and gave me a hug. The first thing Howie did was ask about my parents.

“Where’s Linda and Bill?”

“Mom’s out shopping and Dad had to go to work.”

“I’m gonna leave them a note.”

“Awww, Howie, how sweet!” Nick said.

“Shut up Nick!” Howie shouted back.

Nick grabbed a pillow off the couch and flung it at Howie’s head, messing up his hair. It turned into an all out war between Nick and Howie. Pillows were flying across the room like there was no tomorrow.

I yelled, “Nick! Howie! You’re gonna clean up this mess!”

At the mention of the word “clean,” they stopped.

“I’m sorry, Manda. We’ll pick it up when we get back, okay?”

“No, Nick, now.”

That’s how he gets out of stuff. He says he’ll do something later, but he never does. So Howie and Nick started to clean up their pillow fight mess and Kevin, Brian, A.J. and I all started eating the cinnamon rolls.

After we finished, A.J. asked me to go to the other room with him so we could talk. A.J. is one of my best friends, and he knows everything about me. We walked to my little brother Richard’s room and the first thing he said shocked me.

“Do you love Kevin?”

“What do you mean, A.J.?”

“Come on Manda, I see the way that you look at him. Do you love him?”

“Look A.J., I really don’t wanna talk right now. I’ve still got to get ready to go and there’s a zillion other things I have to do before we leave.”

“Manda, I’m only gonna ask you this one more time. Do you love Kevin?”

“Yes! I love him. Are you happy now A.J.? You got it out of me!”

“Amanda, chill. I knew you did. I was just wanting to see if you’d admit it. Look , I know that you’ve been through some bad times, but so has he. Beth hurt him really bad. And I know that Matt’s always gonna be on your hit-list, but Kev’s here for you. You just gotta be there for him. Tell him that you love him. He needs to know.”

“A.J., in the three years we’ve been together, love has never even been brought up in a conversation. I can’t just come out of nowhere and say ‘I love you.’ That wouldn’t be fair to him or to me.”

“How is that?”

“It would put him on the spot and I don’t wanna do that.”

“And…?”

“What do you mean ‘And?’”

“And, you said it wouldn’t be fair to you either. How is that?”

“I just can’t say it. Not to him, or anyone else for that matter.”

“Why not?”

“I’m scared.”

“Just do it, Manda. Tell him and whatever happens, roll with it.”

“Okay, fine, whatever. Can we go back into the living room now?”

“Yeah. Hurry up and get ready.”

“I’m already ready to go.”

“But you said-“

“I know what I said,” I replied casually as I walked into the hallway.

“Manda…”

"A.J., don’t okay? Let’s just go.”

We piled into my Kia Sportage, (my high school graduation present from my parents) and A.J.’s BMW, and left to go to Disneyworld. Howie and Kevin were with me and Brian and Nick went with A.J. I was unusually quiet and Kevin noticed.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I said.

“You’re so quiet.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I repeated, “You know how nervous I get when I drive downtown. I’m just concentrating.”

“Okay. But you’re still being awfully quiet.”

“Thank you for being so concerned about me but I’m fine, really.”

I wasn’t fine. I was nervous and jittery. I had decided to tell Kevin I loved him at the top one of the rides. I felt like I was gonna throw up. When we got there, Kevin insisted on paying for me, since it was my first time at Disneyworld. A.J. decided he was hungry (again) so we went to get something to eat. Kevin got us a large coke to share. We sat down and 6 girls walked over to us. They looked really shy. Brian said hello and the littlest one beamed.

“Hi. My name is Kristi. I’m 8. Are you Backstreet Boys?”

Howie got up and walked over to Kristi. “Yes we are. I’m Howie.”

He looked over at the other girls. “What are your names?”

I’m Allie. I’m 15.”

I’m Jamie. I’m 18.”

“My name is Connie. I’m 11.”

“I’m Alex. I’m 9.”

“I’m Lauren. I’m 19.”

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Brian. This is Nick, A.J., Kevin, you’ve met Howie, and this is Amanda.”

We all said hello and the guys got up to sign autographs and take pictures. Kristi walked over next to me and sat down. She didn’t say anything, so I decided to talk to her.

“Hi Kristi.”

“Hi. You’re pretty.”

“Well thank you. You are very pretty too.”

Kristi smiled really big. Kevin came over to the other side of me and sat down. He took a big drink of the coke. Kristi looked at him like he was crazy. She then looked at me, then back at Kevin.

“What’s wrong, Kristi?” I asked.

“He just drank your coke and he’s sitting really close to you.”

“Kristi, Amanda is my girlfriend.”

“Oh, I see now. Why didn’t you say so?”

“We don’t tell a whole lot of people that we’re going out because Kevin is a Backstreet Boy and he gets a lot of publicity. I don’t want that. I’m still in college and I don’t want a lot of people bothering me with questions for the guys and people wanting me to get their autographs for them.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” she said.

Kristi gave me her telephone number and address and I promised her that I’d write and call her. As I put the slip of paper in my pocket, I made a mental not to write her a letter as soon as we got back. The girls walked of giggling and talking. I turned to Kevin and just looked at him.

"What?” he asked.

“Why did you tell Kristi about us? She’s gonna tell the other girls and they’ve got pictures of us.”

“I doubt that she’d do anything with them. Everything’s gonna be alright, baby.”

Kevin calmed me down with a kiss. He likes to kiss, not that it bothers me at all, he just does. We held hands as we walked through the park to one of the rides.

“That’s where I’m gonna tell him.” I decided silently.

We stood in line for what seemed like an hour, but it was really only about 15 minutes. I decided to tell him right then. Howie, Brian, and A.J. had all gone to the bathroom, and Nick’s little brother Aaron had paged him but his cell phone had died and Nick was too stubborn to use anyone else’s.

“Uh, Kevin?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“There’s something really important that I need to tell you.”

“What’s—“ He cut off in mid-sentence. He turned white as a sheet and doubled over in pain. I took one look at his face and panicked instantly.

“Kevin, what’s wrong, baby?”

“Nothing’s wrong. What were you gonna—OH DAMN!!”

He put his hand on his stomach. I could see that something was wrong, but he was trying to hide it.

“Kevin, WHAT’S WRONG? I’m getting really worried. C’mon. Let’s go find the guys.”

“No, I’m fine. Really.”

He was speaking through gritted teeth to try and make me believe he was okay.

“We’re going to find the guys and that’s it Kevin! You’re acting all stubborn so I guess I just have to force you to come.”

I got behind him and started to push him in the direction of the bathrooms.

“Do I have to continue to push you or are you gonna walk with me?”

“Manda, I’m fine, really. OW!!”

“Let’s go now.”

I dragged him to the bathrooms. There were no pay phones in sight so I couldn’t find Nick anywhere. There weren’t any guys around to ask them if they’d go into the bathroom and get Brian, Nick, and A.J. Kevin was in no shape to walk, so I sat him down on a bench and walked into the men’s restroom myself. A.J., Brian, and Howie were all washing their hands and joking around. A.J. saw me first.

“Amanda, are you okay?”

“I’m fine A.J. It’s Kevin.”

Brian bolted out of the restroom without even bothering to rinse his soapy hands off. He found Kevin on the bench. By that time, he had already gone into mild shock. Brian got some information from Kevin, pulled out his cell phone, and dialed 911. Howie ran to get security. Kevin looked even more pale. I was in tears. Kevin asked for some water, but we didn’t have any cups with us and there were no vendors around. So I helped Kevin stand up and walk over to the water fountain. He bent down, got a small drink of water and started to walk back to the bench. He groaned and passed out. Immediately, I fell to my knees beside him and cradled his head in my lap.

“Brian! Where the hell is that ambulance? And where is Howie?”

“Amanda, relax. They’ll be here soon, and Kevin will be fine. I gotta go find Nick, his cell phone’s dead so we can’t call him to tell him what happened,” A.J. said.

A.J. ran off to find Nick and Brian sat down beside me. He took my hand and held it to try and comfort me.

“I should be the one comforting him. He’s Kevin’s cousin,” I thought.

What seemed like a millennium passed, but it couldn’t have been more than a minute. A.J. came running back with Brian, Howie, and a security guard in tow. The guard and the rest of the guys loaded Kevin onto the stretcher the guard had brought. The ambulance would meet us at the gate. I saw Kristi and her friends. She ran up to me and asked what happened. I told her that I would call her and tell her everything later. The ambulance was waiting for us when we got to the front gate. The paramedic asked if any of us were Kevin’s family. I pointed to Brian.

“That’s his cousin,” I said lamely.

“Could you come with us please?”

“Amanda could probably tell you more than I know. She’s his girlfriend. She was there when it happened. Give me your keys, Manda. We’ll meet you there.”

I tossed Brian my keys.

“Just follow us,” the medic said.

“I can’t. It’s gonna take us a few minutes to get to the cars,” Brian said.

“Then we’ll just have to leave. We’re sorry but we’ve gotta move, now.”

I climbed into the back of the ambulance with Kevin and we sped off. I never thought that this could happen to me. It was supposed to happen to other people, but not to me!

Suddenly, I gripped Kevin’s hand harder and yelled at him, “Don’t you die on me! I never finished what I was gonna say and it’s really important!”

I started to sob uncontrollably. We got to the emergency room and the doctor pulled me aside to ask some questions about Kevin’s medical history.

“Are you family?”

“No, I’m his girlfriend.”

“Do you know if he’s had surgery in the past 2 years?”

“Yeah, he had his appendix out last year.”

“That’s all I need to know for now but stay close. I might need to talk to you again soon.”

I nodded my head, dazed and turned to find a quiet waiting room. I pulled out Kevin’s cell phone and dialed A.J.’s number. He picked up on the first ring.

“Manda? Is Kevin okay?”

“I don’t know yet. Call Ann. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it."

“Okay. So what’s going on?”

“They’re running tests now. Has he been complaining a lot lately?”

“No. He hasn’t complained at all. But I have noticed that he looks uncomfortable all the time.”

“Okay. I need to call Tim and J.J.”

“Okay, bye.”

I didn’t even bother to say goodbye. I needed to think. I pulled out my phone book and got out Tim’s number. I said a silent prayer as I dialed the phone. I got his machine.

“Damnit.” I mumbled.

It beeped and I left a message saying that it was vital he call me back soon and that I was on Kevin’s cell phone. J.J. was next. Same thing. I got his machine. I left the same message. I sat down in a chair and cried a little more. I was surprised that there were any tears left to cry. I got down on my knees and prayed. I didn’t even notice Brian come into the room and kneel down to pray with me. The rest of the guys went to a little corner of the room and did their own prayer circle. Brian and I held each other’s hand for comfort. A doctor interrupted us.

“Excuse me, are you with a Kevin Richardson?”

“Yes. What is it doctor?” I asked.

“Well, believe it or not, it’s kidney stones. They’re very painful, but they can be passed without surgery. He’s going to live.”

“Can we see him?” Brian asked.

“Yes, but he’s going to be very tired. We gave him a mild sedative so it should be taking effect shortly.”

Thank you doctor,” A.J. said, “Come on guys, let’s go.”

I felt bad seeing Kevin before Ann got here, but I had to see him. I had to see with my own two eyes that he was okay. Brian had to practically hold me back so I wouldn’t run to his room. It seemed to take forever to get there. We got to his door and I looked through the window and froze.

“What’s wrong, Amanda?”

“I can’t go in there, A.J. I’m gonna break down again and it will upset Kevin.”

A.J. told the guys to go ahead into the room and keep Kevin up for as long as possible. He needed to talk to me. The guys opened the door and I caught a glimpse of Kevin. He still looked so pale. It was obvious that he was in pain but he was trying to hide it so we wouldn’t worry us anymore than he already had. The door swung shut before he could see me. A.J. led me over to a nearby chair to talk.

“Amanda, you’ve got to talk to him. He needs you now. You can keep your cool, I know you can. You did when I got hurt.”

“I’ll try A.J., but if I feel a single tear coming, I’m gonna leave.”

“Fair enough.”

We walked into the room and there were all these monitors and IVs hooked up to Kevin, My Kevin! But I didn’t cry. I couldn’t anymore. He looked up at me and smiled weakly.

“Hi, baby, he said.

“Oh my Lord, he’s so pale and so quiet,” I thought.

I smiled. “Hey.”

He looked around at the guys and kinda smiled again.

“Could you guys leave us alone for a minute? Manda and I need to talk.”

The said okay and went outside. A.J. pulled me aside.

“Keep your cool, I know you can. And tell him, he needs to know.”

“Okay, I will, I promise.”

“Good. And hurry. The sedative should be taking effect soon.”

He hugged me and walked out of the room. I walked over to Kevin and sat by him on the bed. He grabbed my hand.

“Baby, there’s something I have to tell you. I—“

“No, Kevin, wait. I never finished what I was gonna say at Disneyworld, and if I don’t say it soon, I’ll explode.”

“Please, I have to tell you this before the sedative they gave me starts to work.”

“Okay, go ahead.”

“Amanda, I love you. I have always loved you, since the moment I first saw you. Like our song says, ‘All my life, I’ve prayed for someone like you.’ And I want you to be my wife.”

He pulled out a small black box and all I could do was cry. The tears flowed freely and I didn’t care.

“Amanda, will you marry me?”

When I didn’t say anything right off, he got worried.

“Baby, are you okay?”

“Uh-huh. Can I please tell you what it was that I was gonna say at Disneyworld?”

“Amanda—“

Kevin, I was going to say that I love you. I always have. It’s just so hard to say it sometimes.”

“And…?”

“And…Yes, I will marry you.”

He put the ring on my finger and gently kissed me. I could tell that he was incredibly happy, but the pain he felt at that moment was unbearable. He closed his eyes and moaned out loud. He started to cry and doubled over in pain.

“Kevin, do you want me to get the doctor?”

“No,” he said through gritted teeth, “I’ll be fine.”

He grabbed the rail on the bed and he was grabbing it so hard his knuckles turned white. I pushed the call button by his head and ran for the door.

“SOMEBODY GET A DOCTOR IN HERE!!’ I shouted.

Brian ran into the room faster than the speed of light, closely followed by me and the security guard they had outside Kevin’s door. The rest of the guys were down the hall at the vending machines. I ran back to Kevin’s side and told him to squeeze my hand instead of the rail.

“No, I don’t want to hurt you.”

The rest of the guys ran into the room.

“Kevin, are you okay?” Nick asked.

“I’m fine, just peachy,” he said.

“Not funny, Kevin.” A.J. said.

Ann ran into the room.

“Kev?” she asked.

“Hey Mom, how’s it goin’?”

Oh baby, are you okay? What’s wrong?” she asked.

Kidney stones. He just had a sudden pain attack. He’ll be fine, I think,” Howie said.

The doctor came in with a needle and put it into Kevin’s IV. He stood there for a minute, waiting for it to take effect.

“What did you just give my baby?” Ann demanded.

“Relax. It’s just something to ease the pain.”

Kevin started to relax a little and laid back down. He was still in pain, but not as much. He regained his composure enough to motion for me to come sit by him. (I had got up to pace around.) He took my hand and smiled. He was getting sleepy.

“Look Mom, she said ‘Yes.’”

Everyone just gawked at the ring. The doctor spoke up first.

“Congratulations,” he said.

“Thank you,” we said at the same time.

The doctor left the room and Ann got up and hugged us tight. Then Brian got up to hug us. Then A.J., then Howie and finally, Nick.

“Hey Manda, call your mom and tell her before Kevin goes to sleep,” Nick said.

“Too late,” I said. “He’s already asleep.”

I leaned down, kissed him softly on the lips and we crept out of his room. He passed the stones that night and was out of the hospital the next day at 7:30 pm. (They wanted to make sure nothing else was wrong.)

Kevin and I married at my parents’ house in the country. We’re expecting our first child sometime in early August. To this day, Kevin has not had to go to the doctor for any reason.