It would be cruel of me to say, it's all shaun's fault I am in my ever blah state. However his name, the circumstance behind it, and what happened in the past 5 days is the entire reason. It's 5-26-99 as of now. 5 days ago my dear, dear friend shaun refner was killed along with his father in their arlington apartment. So yes, this is a online memorial, dedication of sorts. More like a mourning journal for myself. This is my second memorial for a friend, and this one hurts just as much.

i'm sitting here thinking of shaun, and how to describe everything. We meet a few months ago...he use to work with my signfigant "other" and he came over alot to observe the ongoings in my house, I use to tease and say he was just vegatating in my wicker chair. He came over just about every other day, and when he did my entire life bloomed. He was so full of life, and had one of those personalities that can be deemed as "rare". If his face wasn't crooking a smile, his eyes always did. He was someone I always looked forward to seeing. He was someone that I was happy to have in my life, he was someone I worried about, cared about, just plain and simple adored. There are so many reasons why I cared about him the way I did, I think the biggest reason is my children. There was NEVER a time shaun came over and didn't greet my kiddos with a hudge spin around the room, a hug, and hello. To me there is no words to describe the caring he felt for my kids. Often they were greeted before I even was. But beyond that fact, my daughter responded to this. Not every person in this world that speaks kindly to a child will get a responce or reaction. But shaun did...and to me that says alot about a person. I'm sitting here half crying, and half smiling

I don't think I can do shaun justice in trying to describe him. physically he was way, way too cute. Personality wise he was amazing, and friend wise he stole part of my heart away. but friends are suppose to be there somewhere, and take a part of you while giving part of them. It just hurts to know this part of him I have is all I have and ever shall. He was 23 when he died, so very much more left to do. In some ways I wonder if he felt the same way I did, I wonder if I told him enough I loved his company. I wonder if he knew he meant alot to my family. The last time he came over I was tearing down the wallpaper in my bathroom..it was UGLY...black with tiny peacocks...SHIVER, and he watched me asking if I was having too much fun...I was standing on a chair trying to get the top of this stubborn half away...I smiled and didn't say a word. Remembering things like this is what makes this hard...I keep thinking " I wish I would've said this...done that.." the old fimilar phrases I think most every person that has lost someone does. Did I tell him thanks enough for playing with the kids? Did I tell him thanks enough for spending time here? Did I say how much he really meant to me?? An epal told me regret is the worst thing to carry around...and I'm trying really hard to put away all the "should ofs"...but in silent moments they creep in too often.

Shaun died on a friday moring, was left laying cold for 11 hours before found. It's odd, but I sit and think that...