Just as most
of the other teachers in Springstead, Mr.Moen's life
is full of
mystery and scandal.
Mr.Moen has
an evil twin named Camille Moen IV. When they were
born,
Camille was deformed, missing his left eye. Growing up,
Camille
always
wanted to be a fashion model but since he had only one eye,
nobody would
want to look at him. When he turned 12 and his parents
kicked the
two brothers out, Camille only had one career choice.
He would
become a pirate, since the missing eye brought his annual
salary up 3
shots of whiskey per day. For a pirate, that is good pay.
But before
he left, he told Donnie that he would be back for him
because he
blamed Donnie for poking out his eye in the womb.
Camille's
Employee Photo
Anyway, at
age 12, Mr.Moen didn't have any ideas as to what he wanted
to do with
his life, so he began taking odd jobs on the side. He would
walk dogs,
paint garage doors, and he even killed someone once.
One
afternoon while drinking some Jim Bean, Mr.Moen saw Jesus.
Mr.Moen,
drunk and angry, said "Hey, can't you see this is my alley,
punk".
Then Jesus
replied "Donnie ... Donnie Q. Moen ... clean up your life. You
need to get
out and teach people". "How to drink ?" Mr.Moen replied.
"No, how to
listen and behave when they're told to. You have been
chosen to
help me fulfill my child beating prophecy!" said Jesus.
Then Jesus
dissapeared. In his 1971 yellow Gremlin.
Soon after,
Mr.Moen was fired from several teaching jobs at nearby
schools and
he decided to move to the North Pole, where Jesus could
never find
him again. He wanted to build a home out of his favorite
foods but
since he couldn't get Jack Daniels to freeze in a wall shape,
he had to
settle for candy canes and sugar plums.
He lived
happily for a few years until Jesus pulled up in the Hover
Craft of
Christ. He got out with about 5 dozen midgets and walked
up to
Mr.Moen. "That is it, you little bastard. I ask you for one
simple
favor and
you can't get that right. Look, I'll level with you. I died for
your sins,
so, typically, when I want something, I get it. Okay?"
said Jesus.
"...Okay." replied Moen. "Now listen. You're gonna take
these
midgets and you are gonna build me some toys. I want them
delivered on
my birthday." said Jesus as he walked away. "Oh, man!
This sucks!"
said Mr.Moen. Jesus quickly turned and said "Alright,
smart ass,
now not only do you have to make me presents, but
you have to
make presents for every little kid in the entire friggin'
world!"
Jesus jumped into the Hovercraft of Christ and took off.
After
several years of hidding from the A.S.P.C.A. under the alias of
Santa Claus,
Mr.Moen left the midgets in charge of the gift operation
and went to
take his agressions out on little kids in the form of
walking
through hallways telling them to go to class. A little before
Jesus' b-day
of his first year of teaching, the midgets called to tell
him that
they were still short a few gifts. "Well, we just won't give
presents to
kids in third world countries this year." Moen suggested.
But the
midgets only replied "We never did". Mr.Moen then realized
his ability
to exploit children from his position. He started a toy drive
and
has not had
to return to the North Pole in years, except to deliver
toys on
Jesus' b-day, because of the sucess of the project.
Back
to Mr.Suspenders' CoWorkers
Email: mr_suspenders@hotmail.com
