_____ __ __ _____ __ ____ _____ _____ ____ _____ /_ __// /_/ // ___/ / / /_ _/ / ___// ___/ / __ \ / ___/ / / / __ // __/ / / / / / /_ / __/ / / / // /_ / / / / / // /___ / /___ _/ /_ / __/ / /___ / /_/ // __/ /_/ /_/ /_//_____/ /_____//____//_/ /_____/ \____//_/ ____ ____ ____ / __ ) / __ \ / __ ) / __ // / / // __ / / /_/ // /_/ // /_/ / /_____/ \____//_____/ * * * * * The Life of Bob By: Bobby Jones Email: BobCFed08@the-pentagon.com Version 5.0 ********************** *1. Table of Contents* ********************** 1. Table of Contents 2. Updates 3. Characters 4. Battle System 5. IAQ 6. Walkthrough 7. Battle Strategies 8. Secrets 9. Items 10. Status Effects 11. Thanks 12. Disclaimer ************ *2. Updates* ************ Version 0.5 (3/31/00) -Started IAQ -Began Characters section -Began Battle System section Version 0.6 (4/7/00) -Updated Characters section -Finished Battle System section -Did IAQ Section -Walkthrough Started -Battle Strategies Started Version 1.0 (4/8/00) -Updated Characters section -Updated Walkthrough Section -Updated IAQ Section -Updated Battle Strategies -Started Status Section -Started Item Section Version 1.6 (4/12/00) -Finished Characters Section -Edited Walkthrough -Updated Battle Strategies -Edited/Updated Item Section Version 2.0 (4/17/00) -Updated Walkthrough -Updated Battle Strategies -(Bobby's Dad) Edited Walkthrough Version 2.3 (4/27/00) -Updated Walkthrough -Updated Battle Strategies Version 2.4 (5/18/00) -Updated Walkthrough -Updated Battle Strategies -Edited Items Section Version 2.7 (5/19/00) -Updated Walkthrough -Updated Battle Strategies -Edited Character section -Edited Items Section -Began Thanks Section Version 3.0 (5/30/00) -Changed the name Ryan Scardina to James Harris -Updated Characters Section -Updated Walkthrough -Updated Battle Strategies -Edited Thanks Section Version 3.4 (6/3/00) -Updated Characters Section -Updated Thanks Section -Edited Walkthrough -Updated Walkthrough -Updated Battle Strategies Version 3.7 (6/7/00) -Fixed a bunch of typos -Updated Walkthrough -Updated Battle Strategies -Updated Thanks Section Version 4.0 (6/11/00) -Finished Walkthrough! Version 4.5 (6/12/00) -Finished Battle Strategies -Finished Characters Section Version 4.7 (6/15/00) -Added Secrets Section -Edited Walkthrough -Edited Battle Strategies Version 5.0 (6/17/00) -Edited several typos -Edited "Lunch" Section of the Walkthrough -Redid Ending -Updated Thanks Section -Finished Updates section Version 5.2 (7/9/00) -Just went through and changed a few things... nothing big *************** *3. Characters* *************** ------------ |Normal Party| ------------ ***Bobby Jones************************************************************** Weapons: Spitball Gun Armor: Hat, Jacket, Shoes JOB NAME: Bug ABILITY NAME: CFed08 ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Hat Missile Learned Throws hat at opponent **** Juggle Learned Juggles and throws balls at enemy *** Laser Pen 100 Blinds opponent *** Altoid 200 Cures 20% of maximum HP *** Four-eyes 250 Puts on glasses; raises evade and attack % rate. **** Equation 300 Deals confusion, blind, and silence on enemy. **** Rubberband Ball 350 Builds a ball of rubber bands and throws it an enemy. The longer you charge, the more damage it does **** Languages 350 Uses a word in either French or Japanese; French cures status, Japanese heals HP *** Inside Joke 400 Chance of confusing all bad guys, and chance of casting haste on all allies ***** Aim 500 Aims with Spitball Gun to hit eye (Blind), arm (Don't Act), leg (Don't Move), or head (Dead), in order of most to least likely ***** EVALUATION: Bobby is an overall good character, the best in the game. Especially since he starts out with Hat Missile, an ability that does a lot of damage early in the game (but becomes weaker as the game goes on), so he levels up very fast. Also, Inside Joke and Aim are very excellent abilities, even if they come later in the game. It's a good thing you have him throughout the entire game! **************************************************************************** ***Faye Nelson************************************************************** Weapons: Plastic Sword Armor: Hat, Jacket, Shoes, Cardboard Shield JOB NAME: Tiny ABILITY NAME: Creativity ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Sketch Learned Draws something that attacks target *** Go-Juice Rush Learned Attack and speed raise temporarily *** Panic 100 Runs around in circles, confusing enemy ** Japanese 200 Confuses all enemies ***** Four-eyes 250 Puts on glasses; raises evade and attack % rate. **** Write 300 Writes a small short story to cure target *** Scream 350 Scream in target's ear; causes silence * Girlfriend 500 Casts Regen, Haste, Protect, Shell, Reraise, and AttackUp all on Bobby ***** EVALUATION: Faye is a pretty good character. The only drawback she has is that her Panic attack is dominated very soon by Japanese. And her Scream, since it is learned so late in the game and must be done up close (to the side of the enemy) is nearly useless. However, the attacks Four-eyes, Japanese, and especially Girlfriend are all amazingly useful, so Faye is an all-around good character to have! **************************************************************************** ***Matt Decarli************************************************************* Weapons: Graphing Calculator Armor: Vest, Shoes JOB NAME: Mathematician ABILITY NAME: Equations ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Linear Function Learned Does a linear function on calculator, confuses target *** Quadratic Equation Learned Does a quadratic equation, making target dumbfounded and silenced *** Matrices Learned Creates matrices on calculator, blinding target with all the numbers *** Equation 200 Deals confusion, blind, and silence on enemy. **** Variables 300 Raises either evade rate/casts Haste on target/casts Regen on target **** Solve Special Solves equations to learn stats of individual enemy *** Game 400 Plays game on calculator, casts Haste and Protect on user ** Explain 500 Explains how to use the calculator, casts Don't Move, Don't Act, and Stop on target ***** EVALUATION: Matt is an excellent character, rivaling even Bobby in usefulness! His ability to cause status effects on the enemy early on is very useful to have, and when he starts getting the ability to up his stats and that of allies, he becomes even better. And Explain is one of the best abilities in the game, as it works even on bosses (of course, it always has a 40% chance of missing). **************************************************************************** ***Jayme Warner************************************************************* Weapons: Chalkboard Eraser x2 Armor: Shoes, Shirt JOB NAME: Sorb-renraw ABILITY NAME: Wanna mint? ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Tic Tac Learned Cures 5% of target's max HP ** Chalk Dust Learned Beats together erasers, letting out a cloud of dust that Blinds target ** Certs 100 Heals 15% of target's maximum HP **** Altoid 150 Cures 20% of target's maximum HP *** Peppermint- Altoid 250 Cures 25% of target's maximum HP, Poisons Bobby *** Tic Tacs 350 Cures 10% max HP; times either 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 *** Box o' Certs 400 Cures 50% of target's maximum HP **** Box o' Altoids 500 Cures 100% of target's maximum HP ***** EVALUATION: The healer of the group. And a damned good one, at that. Though his attack and defense rate are kind of low, Jayme has good speed and movement, so he can reach any wounded ally pretty well. Though his attack, and only offensive ability (Chalk Dust) pretty much bite; his ability to heal more than makes up for it. **************************************************************************** -------------------- |Temporary Characters| -------------------- ***Dan Kauder*************************************************************** Weapons: Meter Stick Armor: Pants, Vest JOB NAME: Wannabe ABILITY NAME: Conformity ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Huh? Learned Confuses self and target * Wuh? Learned Blinds self and target * Zuh? Learned Puts self and target to sleep ** Insult 100 Starts a fight with Bobby; sends both into Berserk/Pissed Off status and raises attack * Conform 250 User learns target's abilities for duration of battle; slight chance of going to enemy side during the rest of the battle ** The-Super- Hyper-Ultra- Power-Mega- Turbo-Attack Special Instantly kills any enemy, no matter who it is (yes, this includes bosses, and even the final boss) ***** EVALUATION: You only have Dan for a short period in the game. Thank God. His attacks are mostly all pretty feeble. Conform is pretty decent, but really sucks if Dan gets invited over to the bad guys for the rest of the battle. All the "Huh?", "Wuh?", and "Zuh?" attacks are OK, but only really use them on a tough boss or something that you don't need Dan in. And while The-Super-Hyper-Ultra-Power-Mega-Turbo-Attack is extremely powerful, you hardly have a chance to use it before Dan leaves the game. Pity. **************************************************************************** ***Zach Endora************************************************************** Weapons: Wasp Armor: Shoes, Shirt, Pants JOB NAME: Ketterer ABILITY NAME: Food! ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Juice Learned Heals 15% maximum HP ** Go-Juice Rush Learned Attack and speed raise temporarily *** Burger 100 Either heals 15% to ally or does mild damage to enemy *** Cheeseburger 200 Either heals 20% to ally or does moderate damage to enemy *** Pizza 250 Either heals 25% to ally or does strong damage to enemy **** Chicken Nuggets 250 Does weak damage; multiplied by either 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5, randomly ** Meatball Sub 350 Does moderate damage; multiplied by either 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5, randomly *** Steak 400 Either heals 50% to ally or does extreme damage to one enemy ***** EVALUATION: Zach (also known as Bobby Ketterer), is a pretty decent character. He is the only person who's attacks both heal AND damage, depending on who it hits. And, unlike Jayme, another healer, Zach has a very high strength...Offset by his low speed, however. And you only have Zach for a very short campaign in the game. The only real problem with him, except his low speed, is that the only boss you fight with him, Roid, is the only enemy HEALED by his food attacks. Not to mention that while Steak is one of the best moves in the game, chances are low you will have Zach long enough to use it... **************************************************************************** ***James Harris************************************************************* Weapons: Water Bottle Armor: Shoes, Shirt JOB NAME: Annoyance ABILITY NAME: Words ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Insult Learned Picks fight with enemy; sends both into Pissed Off status ** Compliment Learned Hastes ally *** Joke 100 Casts Haste and Regen on self and ally **** Mock 200 Mocks opponent; uses same attack they did last turn *** Inside Joke 400 Chance of confusing all bad guys, and chance of casting haste on all allies ***** EVALUATION: Saying this politely as possible...James ain't that good. His Water Bottle is low range and is weak, his Words abilities, though some are nice, are often very frustrating, especially Insult. And while Joke and Inside Joke are very nice, he won't get Inside Joke until a while later, if ever. And you only have James for a short period, anyway. **************************************************************************** ----------------- |Secret Characters| ----------------- ***Jeffrey Faden************************************************************ Weapon: Spum Armor: Pants, Shirt JOB NAME: Egomaniac ABILITY NAME: Spum Ego Supaaa Combooo ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Spum Mallet Learned Makes enemy go into Don't Act status * Spum Beam Learned Shoots a green beam from his Spum, attacking single enemy ** Ego Rush 100 Completely heals self, but enters Berserk status ** Spum Spum 200 Bounces off walls, randomly attacking allies/enemies * Ego Charge 300 Huge smiley face forms around self, then rolls across enemy lines for moderate damage *** Hot Spum 400 Serves Hot Spum to whole party for 50% health recovery, then casts Pissed Off on self ***** The Living Spum 500 Attacks one enemy for extreme damage, revives one fallen party member with as many HP as enemy was depleted ***** EVALUATION: Jeffrey is, as a secret character, pretty good. All of his attacks are pretty much offensive, with the exception of a few healing HP and status abilities. Of course, none of his abilities actually raise the status of another member; just heals any anomalies. His accuracy is so-so, but is offset by his pretty good evade rate. And while his abilities may not be as strong (damage wise) as some others you'll find, they're still useful, and he has a strong attack. HOW TO GET HIM: When in cyberspace, you are given the choice of "work on IAQ" or "work on Midgar Swamp". Choose "work on Midgar Swamp". Afterwards, you play a mini-game. You have to do really well to get his attention. Well, not REALLY well. You can't get a perfect score, but it has to be really good, just with a few errors. He'll come along, tell you that you messed up, and you have to fix the mistakes. This is the hard part; you have to fix all the mistakes to make the page "perfect", and then you'll be given the chance to add him to your party. **************************************************************************** ***Jeremy Behreandt********************************************************* Weapons: Feather Duster Armor: Shoes, Hat, Shirt JOB NAME: Grand Mortsnarg of Mirth ABILITY NAME: Snollygoster ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Dust Cloud Learned Conjures forth a dust cloud to blind target(s) * Dark Mace 100 Umm... does some fancy shit with his dust buster that hurts enemy ** Shaman Symbol 250 Punches toothpicks through a straw; casts Protect and Shell *** Snollygoster 500 Summons forth the mysterious animal to attack the target ** Rage 600 Takes 2x damage for three rounds then opens can of whup-ass on target *** Merkava 999 Morphs into aRkRiSt eNeMiA for increased stats; effective for only three turns *** EVALUATION: Jeremy won't be a character that will impress you. In fact, you're going to have to work quite hard to get his better skills (Rage and Merkava), both of which are not only some of the best, but most expensive abilities. Jeremy has average attack and HP, but his speed and defense are seriously lacking. Morphing into Merkava, however, makes up for some of his shortcomings. HOW TO GET HIM: When in cyberspace, you are given the choice of "work on IAQ" or "work on Midgar Swamp". Choose to "work on IAQ". Play the mini-game, it really isn't that hard. If you do good enough, Jeremy will show up and show you the results of his OWN IAQ mini-game, which is always at least ten times that of yours, no matter how good you are. Bobby will get ticked off and threaten to beat Jeremy up, and Jeremy instantly kills Bobby, making it a Game Over. Except, after the Game Over screen, Jeremy just says "Just Kidding! Mortsnarg, nogias." You are given the choice of answering "Mlapan" or "That's backwards, idiot". Choose Mlapan to get him on your team. **************************************************************************** ---- |Misc| ---- ***A.J.********************************************************************* Weapons: Fists Armor: Shoes, Shirt, Hat JOB NAME: Maniac ABILITY NAME: Dragonball Z ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING Kamehameha Learned Does very high damage ***** Special Beam Cannon Learned Does very high damage; low chance of instant kill ***** Solar Flare Learned Stop/Don't Act/Don't Move to everyone ***** Destructo Disk Learned Medium chance of instant death ***** EVALUATION: Although A.J.'s attacks rule, you only see him in battle once, and he's against you (though you could use a GameShark and hack him into your party... hmmm...), so they'll hardly ever be on your side. And despite the fact he fights you, he is hardly a bad guy. Think of him more as a recurring character, like Big Joe from Xenogears. **************************************************************************** ***Batt Meziat************************************************************** Weapons: NONE Armor: Shoes, Shirt JOB NAME: Annoyance ABILITY NAME: ERRORR! ACTION NAME JP DESCRIPTION RATING ERROR Learned Does strong damage *** INCORRECT Learned Berserks target *** Incoherent Mumbling Learned Small chance of confusion ** Stupid Correction Learned* Puts target into Pissed Off status **** Sundoodles Learned* Does massive damage ***** Many Books Learned* Does high damage to everyone due to the many books he carries **** Nagrarock Learned** His true nature revealed, Batt reveals his awesome power to attack with the mistranslated "Ragnarok", the most powerful attack in the game, to everyone ***** Alypseapock Learned** His true nature revealed, Batt reveals his awesome power to attack with the mistranslated "Apocalypse", an attack that INSTANTLY kills one target ***** Geddon'sArm Learned** His true nature revealed, Batt reveals his awesome power to attack with the mistranslated "Armageddon", an ability that cures 100% of his HP ***** EVALUATION: Only one word can describe Batt Meziat: pure, utter, evil. Oh, sure, many people think of him merely as an annoying person with a high "correction" ability. But in truth, he is extremely maniacal; and will stop at nothing to destroy the World. (Abilities marked with * are learned in the second battle with Batt, and abilities marked with ** are learned in the final battle) **************************************************************************** ****************** *4. Battle System* ****************** The battle system of Life of Bob is very, very similar to that of Final Fantasy Tactics. In fact, it's identical. You have a large map that you play on, with terrain that often affects your gameplay. For example, if you enter a puddle of water, your speed slows, and you many not be able to jump a certain height, that can be caused by rocks, stacked books, etc. There are hundreds of ways that the terrain affects your gameplay. When it is a character's turn to go, you are given the following choices of what to do: 1.) Attack-A basic attack with character's weapon. Certain weapons have different ranges, so make sure you know that you don't ALWAYS have to be up close and personal to hit somebody 2.) Item-Use an item. With few exceptions, everybody must be one adjacent square away from the person they plan on using the item on. 3.) Status-Examine the status, equipment, and abilities, etc, of current character 4.) (Ability Name)-Use ability that is unique to each individual character Many abilities require you to charge a certain amount of turns before use. So, though you may select to use an ability now, it might not actually be executed until a few rounds later. You can check to see who uses their ability, and who goes when, etc, by checking the AT (Active Turn), by pressing 'Triangle' when nobody on the screen is selected. You win by fulfilling the mission given to you before each battle. It is most often, "Defeat all Enemies", but sometimes, a certain objective must be completed. Of course, you lose by having everybody die, turned to stone, etc. To gain Job Points (or JP), the things that you must spend to learn abilities, fight in battles. Everytime you make an action, you will get a small amount of JP, so by the end of the battle, you may have anywhere from 2 to 25 JP, depending on how much that character has done, yet. You can save these JP up to do whatever you want with them. It's advisable to get abilities as soon as you can, or else you may be very vulnerable in the early parts of the game. Once you learn an ability, the amount needed to learn that ability is taken away from your JP total. For example, if you have 300 JP and learn an ability that takes 100 JP, your JP goes down to 200. ******** *5. IAQ* ******** Q: What is this? I've never heard of this game! A: It doesn't exist, nincompoop. Q: Then WHY are you making an FAQ and walkthrough of it!? A: It's an IAQ, not FAQ. Besides, it's just for fun. I'm basically designing a video game. And no, it's not official. It's both a designed video game and a joke if my life were in video game form. Q: What does IAQ stand for? A: Infrequently Asked Questions. As opposed to a FAQ being Frequently Asked Questions. Q: Right...What kind of game is this, anyway? A: It's an RPG game. Role-Playing Game. Its battle system is one that tactics are very much needed, and the battles have to be well thought out. Q: This is so gay! A: Bite me! Q: So, how did you make all this stuff up? A: Well, a lot of it, I didn't. Much of it is actually based on my real life. And I had a lot of my friends make up their abilities and weapons, or at least give me the gist of it and let me figure out the rest. Everything else was just left to my imagination! Q: You're full of it. A: That's right. Q: Hey! There's a lot of things I don't understand, here! Are they supposed to be funny? What's going on?? A: Some of them are inside jokes, others are just dumb ramblings, and others are NORMAL jokes, and you may just be an idiot. There are several different reasons, I'm sure. Q: Why do your update versions skip around so much instad of just going up by 0.1 each time? A: It gives me a sense of power knowing it's MY damn IAQ and I can change it's version number however the HFIL I want!! Q: A lot of this is really out of whack... A: Uh, yeah. Some of it is just made up to be dumb and silly. However, there is a surprising amount of truth behind all the jokes, and many things I hardly altered at all. I DO lead a very odd life. Q: This is so gay! A: Ha! Already heard that one, pal! Q: I hate to break it to you, but most of this -isn't- really funny. A: No shit, Sherlock. Either it's not SUPPOSED to be funny, or I failed miserably at trying to create some humor. Most probably the latter. Q: ..You ARE aware that Blossom is a cartoon character, right? A: Who could NOT love her, anyway? **************** *6. Walkthrough* **************** The game starts with an FMV (Full Motion Video. Like a movie on a PlayStation!) cartoon of a room. It has swords mounted on the wall, books and dirty clothes, everywhere. Bobby, the main character, is asleep peacefully on the bed, a huge snot bubble on his nose and many 'Z's coming from his head. Peaceful music plays for a while, then stops as the alarm goes off (with amazingly loud volume, I might add. Turn down the volume on your TV to soften the blow). Bobby struggles for a while to turn the alarm clock off while still asleep, and finally has to wake up. The FMV ends. Bobby gets off of bed and yawns, stretching. He is, for some reason, fully clothed. How odd that he wears all his clothes, even his hat and glasses, in bed...Either that, or the game's creator didn't want to show any porn, making it an 'M' rated game, thus lowering customers. Oh, well. Go downstairs, and take the Juice from the treasure chest. Bobby's Dad walks down the steps. Dad (while flexing his biceps): Hey, Bobby, good morning! Bobby: *grumbles* Dad (now admiring his pectorals in the mirror): Sleep good? Bobby: *grumbles* Dad (flexing his shoulders, shirt ripping slightly): WHAT did you say!? Bobby: *grumbles* Dad (belches, scratches his butt): That's better. Afterwards, you are controlled by the computer and taken outside the door. Walk to the left, on the road, to get to your bus stop. Otherwise, you'll get lost in the Big Small Town, and get a Game Over. You'll know the Bus Stop when you see it. Just wait around for a while. You can examine things for short messages to pass the time, but they don't do anything. You'll also run into a few random battles such as StrayDog and BusBullies; but Bobby can handle those, easy. After five minutes, battle time included, the bus arrives. When the bus comes, you have to run to get a Good Seat. If you get a Bad Seat, your HP will drop at a steady rate throughout the bus ride. While it isn't enough to do any real damage, it will weaken you for the battle after the bus ride. The further back in the bus you have to go, the more HP will be taken off. The first three seats; no damage is dealt. Whichever seat you arrive to, you will meet Faye. Bobby: Faye! What are you doing here? Faye: Uh... going to school? Bobby: But... you live in Utah! Faye: Shhh! Listen, Bobby, as far as most of the people reading this know, I live in your Big Small Town, ride your bus, and go to your classes. Bobby: But, you're three years older than me, and... Faye: Shhh! Bobby: But that's...Weird, odd, and... Faye: Remember, this is the Life of Bob. Bobby: Point taken. Sit down in the bus, and wait. You'll notice that it takes MUCH less time for the bus to reach its destination than it does for the bus to actually come. Don't bother asking why you don't just WALK to school, this is obviously a glitch made by the dumbass creators of the game. Exit the bus when it stops, and the Bus Driver will screech at you. Bus Driver: What are you doing!?!?!?! Bobby: Uhh...Going to school? Bus Driver: You must NEVER leave this bus!!! Bobby: ...Huh? As soon as Bobby says this, you enter your first Boss Fight, with the Bus Driver. Afterwards, the Bus Driver will mumble something in an incoherent speech bubble, and open the bus doors. Walk outside, and into the school. As you walk down the hallways, Bobby will give you directions as to which way to go. Watch out; you'll run into random battles with GenericBully and AttackMops. They're pretty easy, and a good way to gain new JP. After a while, you'll reach the locker bank. Inspect Bobby's locker (the only one that is ajar), for three more Juices, and a Revival Sock. As you walk back out the locker bank (you'll know you have your books when Bobby says so), you'll run into Matt. Matt: Hey, Bob! What's up? Bobby: The sky. Faye: (cuffing Bobby) Shut up! That's the OLDEST response there is! Matt: (shakes head) Whatever. Oh yeah, I- Matt is interrupted by a speech bubble yelling the word, "ERROR!" Matt: Oh, no... Bobby: It isn't... Faye: What is it? Batt Meziat runs into the screen. Batt: Do you think those girls deserve a ZEEEEERROOOOOO!? Bobby: No, Batt... Batt: They made an ERRORRR! Matt: No, Batt, there are no errors, here... Batt: They need to go to ALC!! Bobby: Batt, NO. NO zero. NO errors. NO ALC. Matt: Look, Batt, you've been saying this crap since the beginning of the school year! It's getting old! Batt: (forming a rough 'E' with his hands) You deserve one of THEEEESE! Bobby/Matt: NOOOOO!!!!! The battle starts here, with Batt. After you defeat Batt, he lumbers off, saying "Errrorr!" Faye blinks after him for a few moments. Faye: That's...Batt Meziat? Bobby: (shakes head) Uh, let's just go to class. Walk to class, 1st Period (History). Bobby will once more tell you the directions. After the battle with Batt, Matt is now permanently on your team. Once in the classroom, the computer takes over. Faye, somehow, is in your class, as is Matt. Bobby sits in his seat in the back of the class, Faye sits next to him. Matt sits in the front. Here starts your first mini-game. First, I will explain how the report card deal works. In four periods out of eight in the game, you will have to run a mini-game to get a grade for that period. Later in the game, you WILL get awarded for getting good grades. I HIGHLY suggest that you do so. Or you will be sorry. This mini-game is one where you have to do a test while playing a spitball game with Matt. You have to hit the circle and square button in a consecutive pattern repeatedly to write. But, at the same time, you have to aim at and hit Matt. If you don't, Matt will hit you, and much of the work you have done will be erased. It is rather difficult to both aim, fire, AND write the test without getting hit. And one thing especially to watch out for. When the teacher, Mrs. LeCompte, gets up and starts to walk around, do NOT fire when she is looking at you. Doing so will result in her tearing your test apart and giving you an E. Also, you will have to fight her. This can be a good thing, because if you beat her, you are given one last chance to do your test (without getting caught). Remember, though - it's only ONE more chance. After several minutes of the mini-game, the bell will ring. Remember, the more you have written, the higher the grade you'll get. You won't get your grade just yet, unless Mrs. LeCompte found you spitballing, though. Up next is Gym class. Faye and Matt once more join your party, and yet again, Bobby will give you directions for which way to go. The Gym class is really close, so you have time to fight in random battles before the bell ring, and get your stats and JP up. Once in Gym class, you have to get dressed in your Gym uniform. To do so, you have to undo your lock. Unfortunately, this requires a combination, which you don't have. It's random for every game, so I'm afraid I can't list it right here. You have two choices. Either guess the combo (you have unlimited guesses, but a lot of luck is needed!) or try and break it open. If you do the latter, you will have to fight the gym teacher. It is your choice. The screen will black out, and you will appear in the gym room, fully clothed (sorry, pervs, no Bobby changing clothes, here!) with Faye and Matt. Jayme, also in a gym uniform, will walk over. Jayme: (punching Matt) Hey, Matt. Matt: (punching Jayme) Hey, Jayme. Bobby: (punching Jayme) Hey, Jayme. Jayme: (punching Bobby) Hey, Bobby. (punching Faye) Hey, Faye. Faye: (punching Jayme) Hey, Jayme. This magnificent introduction is cut short by AJ. He walks into the screen, saying... AJ: OH, yeah! I am THE pitcher! I pitch better than all 'ya! Bobby: (bowing head in prayer) Oh, yes, Great AJ. It runs in the family, obviously. AJ: That's right, bro. Dragonball Z RULES! Matt: Dragonball Z? Ha! I saw that, that show sucks! Bobby: (in mortal fear) Matt! NO!!! AJ: WHAT!? Dragonball Z... a BAD SHOW!? Bobby/Faye/Jayme: Sh-it... AJ: PREPARE FOR BATTLE!!! The boss battle with AJ starts. This is a very tough battle, so make sure your levels are high. Afterwards (it might take several tries), AJ will apologize and give you 2 Revival Socks and one of each Juice. An FMV starts, now. Bobby is prancing around in a frilly frock in the background, a huge anime sweatdrop on his forehead. Faye and Matt are playing Rock-Paper-Scissors. After a few rounds, Faye looks at Bobby and asks him what is going on. Bobby just shrugs and says that the game needed an FMV, so just stuck one in randomly. The FMV ends. You are then given the chance of whether or not you want to play wiffle ball. The decision is yours; if you choose yes, you get to play a small, meaningless mini-game. Otherwise, you have to sit and do nothing but talk to your friends for a good five minutes (straight). If you choose to play wiffle ball, the mini-game starts. It's very simple to understand, the same deal as a normal baseball game. It doesn't matter how good or bad you do during this mini-game (though people make some pretty funny comments if you do bad), and after five innings, the game will be over. The screen will fade out, and you will reappear in the gym room. Matt will comment on how one locker ALWAYS has a lock on it. If you want to try and open it, just examine it. Matt will break it open. Inside, you'll find three Revival Socks and a Jock Strap. Matt: Ew, gross... Bobby: (sniffs) Grhk! No WONDER that locker's been locked up all year! As soon as you exit the classroom, Bobby will (once more) give you directions to the next class. You'll run into Randy, another boss fight, along the way. Randy: Hey! Watch it!! Bobby: Do I know you...? Matt: !? Jayme: ... Faye: !! Randy: ??? Bobby: ^%$& Jayme: What was that? Bobby: I dunno. Just another weird speech bubble! Randy: Uh...Hey! Watch it! (Battle starts) This battle should be extraordinarily easy, after the battle with AJ. Afterwards, just go upstairs to your next class. As soon as you try and enter the classroom, everybody has to leave. Matt: MY 3rd Period is downstairs. Jayme: Well, MY 3rd Period is across the hall, so NYAH! Matt: Sh...Shut up! (Matt runs away) Jayme: I'll see ya shortly, Bobby. (Jayme walks away) Faye: Hrm...I have to go to the bathroom, Bobby. Woof! (Faye walks away) Bobby: I'm all alone... (Bobby walks away, then stops) Bobby: What the HFIL am I walking away from? Try and enter the class again, but yet another cinema scene stops you. A tall kid with black hair walks into the scene. ???: Die, Bobby!!! The following battle with "mysterious stranger" is REALLY easy, even with only Bobby. Just finish him off quickly before all his status effects pile up on you. Dan: Well, I THOUGHTETH thy could beat thou... Bobby: (cuffs Dan) Shaddap! Dan: There still beith time 'till class startseth. Bobby: Yeah, let's walk around a little. (If you do not know how they suddenly know each other, go down to the battle strategies) Walk down the hallway, either way. You will come across MANY random battles. The place is choked with them. This should give you an excellent chances to learn many more abilities for both Dan and Bobby. After you've fought twenty battles, or five minutes have passed (outside of battle), you will hear a load roar, and the ground will begin shaking a little. Bobby: What's that? The computer takes control of you and the two of you run over next to Bobby's 3rd Period class, only to see a massive monster. It kills two students that try and run away, then roars in your face. Dan: A monstereth? But these aren'teth in thy Life of Bobbeth! Bobby: (stepping back) Oh, yes, they are...*gulp* Dan: Whateth? Bobby: I thought we had gotten rid of you...But now you show yourself in your true form... Dan: What art thou talking abouteth!? Who be thateth? Bobby: It's...It's...MRS. DELANGE!! The monster roars at you again, and a boss fight starts. After battle: Bobby: Sheesh... Matt: Who woulda thought that Mrs. DeLange would come back, huh? Jayme: Is she still pregnant? Bobby: Well, she was when the IAQ was first started, but that was actually a rather long time ago. Jayme: So...? Bobby: No, not anymore. Come on, let's go to class. Everybody walks into the classroom and take their seats. Because it is a Monday, there is no third period, so you go straight to fourth (odd, huh?) The bell rings, and suddenly, a horde of other students pour in through the room, kicking up a huge cloud of dust. When the dust clears, they're all seated, talking loudly and throwing paper airplanes. Faye: Geez, doesn't your teacher do anything about this? Bobby: Just watch. Mrs. Zingaro walks into the room. Mrs. Zingaro: Class, please be silent... (Nothing changes) (Mrs. Zingaro flickers the lights) Mrs. Zingaro: This is your last warning! (Nothing changes) Mrs. Zingaro: I'm not going to tell you again! (In the background, you can hear/see Mrs. Zingaro repeating the above scene endlessly) Bobby: See? Jayme: She's an awesome sub... Matt: ...But a horrible teacher. Faye: I guess all the better for us, huh? Bobby/Matt/Jayme: OH yeah! Instead of being assigned classwork, you are given another mini-game. You get either an A or an E in this class. The mini-game is a game of catch. Mrs. Zingaro walks around the class, tending to the "dumb kids'" needs. Meanwhile, Bobby, Matt, AJ (from 2nd Period), and Faye play catch with a ball. Jayme works to keep Mrs. Zingaro occupied from the game; he very well may save your ass sometimes. Push the X button to catch the ball once it's close enough, and press the Square button to throw it to whoever you want. If you're caught throwing or catching the ball (you can't help the latter, really, it's all up to luck...), you battle with Mrs. Zingaro. After a few minutes of playing ball, or directly after the battle with Mrs. Zingaro (whichever comes first), the bell rings, and class is dismissed. The entire class departs much the same way it entered, leaving only Bobby's party, and Mrs. Zingaro. Talk to Mrs. Zingaro, and she will mumble something about "social butterflies" and drop two Avdil. Pick them up. Yet again, Bobby will give you the directions to the next class, which Matt tells you is Math. Upon entering (you're the last people to enter), the bell rings. Everybody instantly takes their seats. Bobby and Faye sit next to each other in the front, and Matt and Jayme sit next to each other behind them. The teacher, Mr. Miller (another of the "Four Main Teachers") will stand in the front of the room and tell you what to do. Basically, he just speaks in technical mathematic jargon (page 37bUA9.1, anyone?). And, since he's one of the Four Main Teachers, you know what that means: A mini-game for your grade. There are fifty four-letter codes that you must insert, in five minutes. You won't have time to finish them all, trust me. As you guess, Faye will tell you what her calculations have told her (X is the first letter, Square isn't the second one, things like that) until you've gotten each code right. Get as many codes done as you can before the five minutes are up. If you have 25 or above correct, you get an A. Otherwise, just multiply your score by four to find your percentage grade. Also, Matt and Jayme are working, behind you. If you beat their score, they'll give you two Milks and a Droft Sink. After the mini-game, Mr. Miller will walk over to you. Bobby: We're done! Mr. Miller: Stop working ahead! Faye: Hey, calm down! Shouldn't you be happy that we're LEARNING at this fast rate? Mr. Miller: No, slow down and stay behind with the stupid people! Matt: Never! At this point, another boss battle starts. See below for the needed strategy. Mr. Miller: Ah, whatever. Bobby: Do you know why I beat you? Mr. Miller: Why's that? Bobby: Because I am! A man! Of the sea! Mr. Miller: Huh? ((The Bell Rings)) Bobby: SEE ya! Bobby gives you directions (surprise) to the next classroom. You'll probably notice that this is one of the last classrooms available to you. The school day is almost over, just hang in there. Matt has to go to another class for sixth period, so you (Bobby), Faye, and Jayme all walk into the classroom, and take their seats, controlled by the computer. A few seconds pass, then the screen shakes, and a loud shuddering can be heard. Bobby: Earthquake! Jayme: No...Jessica!!! A massive ball of fat, distinguishable only as a human by the tiny, disproportionate legs, arms, and head, walks into the room, making the thudding sounds each time it walks. Jessica: Hi! I'm so popular and pretty! Everyone loves me! *giggles* You are given the chance to play a mini-game afterwards. You don't have to, but you can get some nifty prizes out of it. You have to build a pretty mask. Meanwhile, Jessica talks to you, and sometimes her speech bubble covers up your instructions. You are given the chance to respond, but nothing you say will tick her off. Damnit. If your prize is good enough, you'll get a Wheelchair and Jock Strap (joy); otherwise, you'll either win one randomly, or win nothing. After the mini-game (or directly after you've chosen not to play it), a thin girl walks past you and bumps into you. Jamie Hydra: Hey, watch it! Bobby: YOU bumped into ME, damnit! Jamie Hydra: Don't fucking cuss at me! I'll fucking slap your fucking face and fucking hurt you really fucking bad so that it will fucking hurt! So fuck off! Bobby: (after a moment) Repeat that, please...With fewer curses. Jamie Hydra: Fuck you! (At this moment, Faye walks in to the conversation) Faye: What's going on? Bobby: Nothing, Faye, don't worry about it. Jamie Hydra: Like fuck nothing's fucking going on! I'll fucking slap you! Faye: Don't you talk to him like that! Bobby: I can handle it, Faye... (From this point on, Bobby no longer exists to either girl) Jamie Hydra: What? You wanna fight? Faye: And kick your frikkin' ass! Bobby: This is SO out of character... Jamie Hydra: "Frikkin'"? You afraid to fucking cuss? As soon as Jamie Hydra says these words, another boss battle starts. It should be over quickly; but after Faye defeats her, Jessica walks over. She trips on her shoe lace and falls on top of Jamie Hydra, killing her instantly. Faye/Bobby/Jayme: . . . Bobby: Ooook... Jayme: Looks like she's good for SOMETHING! Bobby: (to Faye) Thank you, sis! Faye: Don't sweat it, Koibito! (The two hug and a small heart rises above their heads) Jayme: Awww... Faye: (punches Jayme clear off the horizon) After this 'touching' cinema scene between Bobby and Faye, the bell rings. Instead of being given directions as what to do, you are forcibly thrown into a mini-game. Jessica, being behind you, is hungry, and it is lunch period. This is a dangerous game. Press the "X" button whenever you come across an obstacle to jump it, and try not to fall. Otherwise, you'll be squished to a billion million tiny pieces. So, don't. Matt joins up with the party just in time to run away from the rampage. Once the mini-game is over, you're suddenly in the lunch room. Matt and Faye tell you that they have to eat on the other side, so they leave the party. Jayme tells you that he is starved and they should probably go get some lunch. He leads the way to the lunch line. Just follow him. James and Zach are already in line. James: Herro, Bobby! Bobby: Uh, hello. Jayme: Hey, Zach. Zach: ... Jayme: I guess...Sure. (hands Zach some money) James: The money is of needing me, also. Bobby: You got ENOUGH money, James. James: Bad that do be, yes. Zach: ... You may notice, that in menus and battle sequences for the entire lunch period, everybody's name is altered. This is not so for speech, however. The changes are as followed: Bobby - Bug Jayme - Magical Munchkin* Zach - Lord Diablo James - Gabriel (Everytime you highlight his name, Jayme says "I'm not Magical Munchkin, damnit!") The lunch line grows shorter and shorter, with James and Zach saying similar phrases to what is written above. Just walk in as the line gets shorter. Then, you will come across the only shop in the game! Everything is damned expensive, but you have so much money accumulated after all those battles, you should be able to buy a decent amount of items. After you buy your items (you DO have to purchase at least one item, or else Bobby will whine and complain about how hungry he is), follow Bobby's directions to the table. Fight as many random battles as you can along the way - you desperately need to gain some new abilities for Zach and James. At the table, another short cinema scene starts. James: Does you hearing of that? Bobby: ...Huh? Zach: ... Jayme: What he said, was.. "Do you hear that?" (the screen shakes, a small earthquake similar to that of from your meeting with Jessica, sounds across the screen...) Bobby: (grumbles) Sounds like a bad case of... Zach: ... Jayme: Hemorrhoids! James: Or the Roid tat is Hemor. (Roid sits at the table) Roid: BE QUIET! I'M NOT FAT! Bobby: Roid, do you like men? (One nanosecond before Roid's answer, another speech bubble from Bobby pops up) Bobby: Are you sure? Roid: No. Bobby: BA HA HA! He's not sure!! Get it!? Zach: ... Jayme: That was VERY dumb, Bobby. Roid: Shut up! You're gay! I'll squish you like a bug! Another boss battle with Roid. Make sure you have some good abilities with Zach and James before it starts. Even if you don't, it isn't that hard of a battle. Once it is complete, the "lunch Nazi" Mr. Macklehaney, will walk over. An FMV starts, finally. Mr. Macklehaney (M&M) yells at Bobby and Roid for talking, even though everybody is still in their battle positions, frozen, aiming weapons and punches ready to throw. Bobby shrugs. Bobby: We'll stop talking if you say please. M&M (Eminem): Please. Bobby: Say pretty please. Eminem: (face growing red) PRETTY please... Bobby: With a cherry on top! Eminem: JUST STOP TALKING, DAMNIT! The FMV ends. You're now given a simple choice. a.) Continue talking, or, b.) STOP TALKING, DAMNIT! If you choose 'a', the world explodes and you get a game over. Also, your PlayStation will break and your pillows will get lumpy. So, pick 'b' instead. After a few minutes of just sitting there, not talking (what a damned boring game), the bell rings. Zach and James must part. Zach: ... Bobby: See ya, guys. Jayme: Yesh. Goodbye! It was great seeing you! Bobby: We'll see them tomorrow, stupid. Jamye: (sniff) Still... James: This is the way! Zach and James leave the party and walk away. This time, Bobby doesn't give you directions to the next class. It shouldn't be hard, because it's the only remaining class room in the school. This is the easiest class you get. You instantly meet up with Matt and Faye, and all you have to do is sit down in your seat to get an 'A'. And, the computer does this automatically, so you already get an A. The only way you can get anything lower is if you run away from any random battles in the classroom, which should be easy, since they're all easy. The class is short, too. There is no mini-game, you don't even fight the teacher, even though he's one of the "Four Main Teachers". He's obviously a cool guy, because he never once wears the same outfit. However, you do fight a boss. When Bobby notices that there is only twenty minutes until the class is over, he leans over to tell Faye that they're almost free. Unfortunately...He is interrupted. Batt: ERROR! Bobby: Oh, no, not again! Batt runs into the room. And be warned, he's ready to fight. Batt: You're talking in class! ERRRORRR! Jayme: YOU'RE talking in class, Batt. Bobby: Shut up, Jayme. So are you. Faye: You're not one to talk, Bobby. Matt: I wanna talk! Hey, everyone, I'm talking in class, too! Batt: You deserve a...ZEEEEROOO! It's a good thing you shouldn't have run from any random battles, you'll need the levels you should have gained to beat Batt in this second boss fight with him. Another FMV begins (they're coming in swarms, folks...), where Batt just lumbers off again, apparently not aware of even fighting you. However, once he turns the corner, he hides in the shadows. Batt: tHeY hAvE nOt SeEn ThE lAsT oF mE... The FMV ends just as quickly. The screen fades out, and the text box appears, telling you that you've received the key item "Report Card"! The screen comes back into normal color on the bus. Faye and Bobby are seated and alone. In a short flashback (Oooo... everything's gold!), Jayme and Matt tell you that they both need to take a different bus home, so they'll see you later. Just wait a few moments in your bus seat (if you try and move, Faye will yell at you and slap you down, making you lose 1 HP), until two people initiate conversation with you. Kevin: Hi, Bobby! Isn't Pokémon cool! Bobby: Oh, no...Not again. Kevin: Can I play your Game Boy? Do you SERIOUSLY like Butterfree best? Do you like a Grandma's Garden? Mike: Hi, Bobby! I'm (voice cracks) a cool guy! Bobby: Go away. You guys are annoying. Mike: That's (voice cracks) mean! I thought we were your BUDDIES! Kevin: Do you have your Game Boy? Isn't Pokémon cool? Why does the sky occasionally fall on top of little birds? Who is that? Is that your giiiirlfriend? Why do you- Bobby: Shut the HFIL up! Mike: Fuck (voice cracks) you! Bobby: THAT'S IT! Bobby jumps at the two, which starts a ludicrously easy battle. The bus stops just as the battle is over. Kevin and Mike are still seated, 'X's in place of their eyes and stars circling their heads as the computer controlled Bobby and Faye leave. The bus drives off, leaving Faye and Bobby at the same bus stop that you may recognize from earlier on in the game. Bobby: So, I guess this is goodbye... Faye: Uh, yeah. Apparently. I have to get home, it's a good two month walk. Bobby: ...Will I ever see you again? Faye: (checks watch) Umm... no. Bye! (Faye walks away) Bobby: (shrugs) At least I will always have Blossom! Now walk back home. It's the same way as last time, except you don't die instantly if you take the other way (more on that later). I suggest just going home if you don't want to explore around a little bit, or if you are high on levels. Once home, you can either go upstairs or downstairs. I highly suggest you go upstairs, and create "The Greatest Meal Known to Man (TM)" for the future battle. More on that in the secrets section. Afterwards, go downstairs. Controlled by the computer, Bobby sits at... his computer (haha funny) Bobby: Aaah...How I do enjoy sitting on my lazy ass and wasting my life at the computer... You are given a chance to do many things: "Work on IAQ", "Work on Midgar Swamp", "Work on Homepage", "Play Doom", or "Make fun of homos in a gay/lesbian Yahoo! chat". If you want one of the secret characters, pick either "Work on IAQ" or "Work on Midgar Swamp". More on that in the characters section. If you pick "Work on Homepage", Bobby just says, Bobby: Nah... "Play Doom" triggers a mini-game where you play Doom, and "Make fun of homos in a gay/ lesbian Yahoo! chat" puts you in a chat room with other actual players who seriously think that everyone in the room is gay. But, of course, few admit to it. After you pick whichever, Dad comes in the room. Bobby: Dad? Didn't you have work late? Dad: Never! I come and go as I please. Hey, did you get a "Report Card"? Bobby: (handing Dad "Report Card") Yeah. Dad: You have... Your Dad reads off your grades for today. If you have all 'A's, he says...) Dad: You could have done better. Now go to your room and study! Or stay here and play video games. I don't care. (belches) (If you get anything worse...) Dad: Dear GOD! You're an idiot! Look at this!! A (he reads any of your grades below an A), when you could so easily have had an A! Bobby: Here it comes... Dad: That's it! It's time to teach you a lesson! I highly suggest, if you save here, that you save in a different slot. This is an EXTREMELY difficult battle, perhaps one of the hardest in the game. Try and have all of Bobby's abilities learned. You'll need them. Afterwards you have to go outside and "exercise". According to Bobby and his Dad, he has signed up for cross country track, and needs to go outside and practice. The computer instantly takes you outside (without bothering with the intervening space) and starts up a mini-game. Press the 'X' and 'O' buttons in a rapid one-two pattern to keep Bobby running. If you accidentally push one button twice, Bobby will fall over. Also, random battles WILL be fought. If you've gotten a secret character, he'll be following in a car to help just in case this happens. After a few successful laps (if you trip more than three times per lap, it is unsuccessful), Bobby runs into two people, Justin and Keary. (Note- if you have either Jeffrey or Jeremy, their responses are written in parenthesis. Bobby: Hey! What are you guys doing here? Justin: Looking for you. Bobby: Uh...Why? (Jeffrey: Heh, heh...I think they like you in that jogging outfit, Bobby.) (Jeremy: That's...Odd...) Keary: We wish to fight you. For no apparent reason. Justin: (looks at Keary) I'm sure we can find SOMETHING! (Jeremy: Well, at least they're honest.) Keary: How 'bout this... my name is freaking spelled "KEARY", but pronounced "CURRY". Why!? I'm gonna take my anger out on you, Bobby! Justin: Uh, that's better. Bobby: Hey, I got an idea! Why don't I pick the fight this time? Uhh...Keary! You're stupid and ugly and dumb and poor and retarded and ugly and stupid and fat! (Jeffrey: Justin, you spoony bard!) Keary: That'll work. After the boss battle with Justin and Keary, walk to Bobby's House. It's the one right next to you, genius. As soon as you enter, the screen blacks out, and comes back into focus in Bobby's room (the one you first started in), with Bobby clothed as normal. Walk out, and Dad will corner you as soon as you exit the room. Dad: Bobby! How would you like to go to the arcade? I have $5,048 in quarters I'm willing to part with! Bobby: Dear god...NO! (Jeremy: What's wrong with that?) (Jeffrey: How can you not like the arcade!?) Dad: I see...So, you've seen past my illusion to get you to go to the dentist? (Jeremy: The dentist!? Nooooooo!) Bobby: It probably would have worked better had you not tried that last time, dude. (Jeffrey: d00d!) Dad: Fine, then... I knew this would happen. (Dad puts his fingers in his mouth and blows, whistling) Dad: There. I just called the dentist. He should be here any minute, now. The fourth FMV begins at this point. Bobby, still screaming, runs over to the wall where some of his swords are hanging. He grabs one and unsheathes it, holding the sword out in front of him. Dad smirks. Dad: It is too late! The dentist has arrived! A man wearing heavy armor and a sword dashes into Bobby's room. Dentist: I know punks like you always have a sword...So I've come prepared! Bobby leaps forward, slicing off the Dentist's sword arm with one blow. Bobby: Victory is mine! Dentist: No it isn't. Bobby: What!? Your arm's off! Dentist: (looks at bleeding shoulder stump) 'Tis but a scratch. Bobby: What!? Dentist: I've had worse! Bobby: You LIAR! Dentist: C'mon, ya pansy! The FMV ends just as another boss fight with the Dentist starts. You shouldn't have any trouble against him, even if you don't have a secret character. Dad: (sighs) That's a very expensive Dentist, Bobby. Do you know how much more it'll cost to clean the carpet!? Bobby: Sorry... Suddenly, the sky grows dark, and lightning, inside the house, flashes. Maniacal laughter can be heard in the background. Dad: Stay here, Bobby, I'll go find what it is! Dad runs away. Time passes. (Note: The following conversation only happens if you have a secret character) (Jeremy: He's not coming back, is he?) (Jeffrey: He's pretty much dead, huh?) Bobby: Uh, probably. Most things like that happen in video games. (Jeffrey: Where's your sword?) (Jeremy: Why didn't you use swords since the beginning, Bobby?) Bobby: I'm suffering from the Elly Van Houten syndrome...I can only use powerful weapons in FMV sequences. (Jeffrey: Spoot.) (Jeremy: Damn.) Bobby: Man...This IAQ really blows! (The following conversation occurs even without a secret character) Bobby: Maybe I should go check on him... Walk Bobby down the stairs. Halfway down, you will come across AJ, Faye, Matt, Jayme, Dan, James, and Zach. Bobby: What are you guys doing here? Faye: We're here to help out in the final fight! (Jeremy: The final fight?) Matt: Yeah, because it's about to happen in a few in-game minutes. Bobby: Uh, OK. Thanks! Zach: ... AJ: Mondo cool! You're cramping mah style. James: Three people to pick may help only you. Jayme: That means, you can only pick three people to help you. Bobby: What? Why!? (Jeffrey: Because the damned programmers allow only four people in a game at a time...) Faye: Just pick, Bobby. Bobby is alone, with everybody (including the secret character, if you have him) fanned out in front of him. Talk to who you want to join. If picked, each person will say: Faye: Heh, I was pretty sure you'd pick me. Matt: Good, slave. Remember, you're free at the end of the school year! Jayme: OK, just for picking me, I'll let you have Blossom. Zach: ... James: I got a good feeling! Dan: Though hath made a wise decisioneth, sir Bobbeth of Jones. (Jeffrey: The ego man strikes again!) (Jeremy: Götterdämmerung, mlapan.) AJ: Haha! I'm just a recurring character. Go kick his sorry keister! I personally think that you should pick Faye, Matt, and Jayme. That's who I am best at, but your decision depends on your style of fighting. I highly suggest you do not pick Dan, because his The-Super-Hyper-Ultra-Power-Mega-Turbo-Attack is gone, making him very useless. Once your party is picked, go downstairs. Dad is facing the corner, silently (like in the Blair Witch project, folks), and in the middle of the room, the source of the laughter is...Batt Meziat. Batt: HyA hA hA...hAr HaR hAr...HoO hAg HoJ... Bobby: The classic bad guy laughter...He's the Final Boss(TM)! Batt: tHe WoRlD sHaLl Be DeStRoYeD...bEcAuSe I wIlLeD iT sO!...pLuS, I hAvE a BuNcH oF dEsTrUcTiVe SpElLs ThAt My MoThEr ToLd Me NoT tO pUt To WaStE!!!!!!!!11 Bobby: That will never happen! It's morphin' time! (Note- the following are what each person will say if they are in your party as they morph, using Power Rangers graphics) Bobby: Belgian Waffle! Faye: Used-up Diaper! Matt: Bower and Fletcher! Jayme: Green Telephone! Dan: Knighteth in Shiningeth Armoreth! Zach: ...! James: This is a job from goD! (Jeremy: Napoleon Cheesecake!) (Jeffrey: Jerry Seinfeld!) After everybody does their transformations, Batt laughs. Batt: wHiSkEy TaNgO fOxTrOt OsCaR!?!?!?!!?!?!?1/ YoU dIdN't EvEn ChAnGe In ThE sLiGhTeSt!!!!!11 wHaT's GoInG oN!!!!??! Bobby: Charge!! Batt: tHaT's It!!!!!!1 I'm SeNdInG yOu To... ANOTHER DIMENSION!!! So begins the final battle. I hope you come in with maxed out stats. It's a doozy. The ending is entirely done in FMV. Batt explodes into a million tiny pieces (because, as a guinea pig, his pieces have no choice BUT to be small), and the world is safe once again. Dad explains he was in the corner because the witch doesn't like people staring at her as she makes a kill, so stands her next victim in the corner. Which makes absolutely no sense, if you ask me. Bobby and party walk up the stairs. Unbeknownst to him, everybody leaves as soon as they cross the door. They just walk out, and Bobby doesn't even realize. If you have a secret character, he's not in the ending. Ha, ha. When Bobby finishes marching upstairs, he turns around to face the party, only to find nobody is there. He just sighs, enters his room, and turns off the lights, creating total darkness. Then, a small narration begins for what happens to each person after the games, accompanied by a picture of them filling the screen is shown. It starts off with Bobby, sitting in a jail cell and staring at the wall, waiting for an answer to his question. At the bottom of the screen, the following text is written: Text: Bobby, wanting to be an engineer but lacking any of the appropriate skills, gets a job as a character in the comic strip "Dilbert". He is "Bobbert", Dilbert's long lost twin cousin's aunt's dog's veterinarian's former roomate. He is currently in jail for stalking Blossom, the Powerpuff girl. The screen fades out, and comes into focus again with a picture of a magazine titled "Generic Depressed Female Teens", with Faye on the cover. At the bottom of the screen: Text: Faye became a popular model, a famous author, and world renowned artist, an olympic swimmer (achieving a gold medal), and is the creator of the popular video game "Faith Torn Asunder". She is currently married to Vincent Valentine. Faye's magazine picture is replaced by one of Jayme, who is asleep with a bigger snot bubble than Bobby's in the entrance. Text: Jayme grew two feet in his freshman year, making him one of the tallest kids in the school. However, he still has the nickname "Magical Munchkin". After switching his religion merely to gain polygamy, he is married to Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles of the Powerpuff girls. Bobby swears vengeance. A picture of Matt, picking his nose and unaware of the camera, replaces the one of Jayme sleeping. Text: Matt, because of his exceptional but still cruddy soccer talents, joined a soccer camp is an administrator. He is the assistant, second to Mr. Bland. A picture of ashes replaces Matt's pictures. Text: Dan decided that he was going to stop being such a wannabe and be himself for once in his life. He was burnt at the stake the next day. Zach and James, together at a roller-coaster, is now in place of Dan's ashes. Text: The programmers are too lazy to think of anything for these two. So just use your imaginations. Then, the screen blacks out for the final time before displaying the credits (Section 11 of the IAQ) THE END *Thanks for playing! Loser... ********************** *7. Battle Strategies* ********************** BUS DRIVER This is your first time fighting with two people. It's pretty easy, the same as just one person except you can do different things with the other, and since their speeds differ (Faye is faster than Bobby), they attack at different times. This battle is very easy, because the Bus Driver doesn't move from her seat. Attack with Bobby from a safe distance. Unfortunately, Faye's plastic sword requires her to be in close range, so she is more susceptible to the Bus Driver's attacks. The Bus Driver can hit with her Sharp Dirty Nails, which has a chance of inflicting poison on whoever it hits. She is driving, too, even though you should be parked. Occasionally, she'll use an attack called Hit The Brakes!, which does damage to everyone on the screen (including her), and screws up everyone's battle formation (except hers). BATT MEZIAT This battle is pretty hard. Everybody enters battle in Pissed Off state. Don't bother healing it; everytime Matt uses an attack, everybody once more enters Pissed Off. Batt has three attacks. ERROR, which hits one person for pretty good damage; INCORRECT, which puts one person in Berserk state; and Incoherent Mumbling, which has a very small chance of confusing a target. He mostly uses ERROR, though. Matt joins you for this battle, so just try and confuse Batt with Linear Function. Have Bobby use Laser Pen, if he has it, it should lower Batt's accuracy pretty well. MRS. LECOMPTE One of the "Four Main Teachers", Mrs. LeCompte fights Bobby alone. That's OK, because this battle is moderately easy. Just attack as you normally would a random battle (though she has a lot more HP than a normal bad guy!); her attacks are about the same as someone you'd fight in a random battle. Be careful for one attack, though, the one you will notice all the "Four Main Teachers" have...Called Grade Lowering. Do NOT attack her while she is in this pose, just heal and wait. Or else she will give you an automatic E and you will lose the battle (you won't get a Game Over, but will return to your desk with 1 HP) MR. CHRISTY This battle is pretty easy. However, Faye is not in your party, because she is in the girl's locker room. But you and Matt should be enough to take care of the gym teacher, Mr. Christy. Use Bobby's Laser early on, and nearly all of Mr. Christy's attacks will miss throughout the entire battle. Use Matt's equations and Bobby's Hat Missile to finish him off. AJ Before the battle even begins, AJ says: "It is time. For your demise." Also, the first time he hits Bobby with any attack, Bobby asks: "W...What are you?" At this point, A.J. reponds with "Ally to good! Nightmare to you! I eat healthy foods!" and glows yellow. THIS battle is incredibly difficult, by far one of the hardest you'll have for a while. However, having Faye back in your group and the very timely arrival of Jayme the healer should give you a little help. AJ's attacks are all called "Dragonball Z", and he hardly ever physically attacks. Thank God, because his physical attacks are devastating. He uses these four attacks: Kamehameha, Solar Flare, Special Beam Cannon, and Destructo Disk. Be VERY afraid of Solar Flare: it has a chance of freezing everybody but AJ for two rounds. Also, Destructo Disk can instantly kill one person. Though it only has a 40% chance of hitting, AJ seems to have a LOT of luck. What's worse is this attack has a range of 3. Kamehameha is AJ's weakest attack, but nonetheless a strong one. Special Beam Cannon is the exact same thing as Kamehameha, except it has a very (very) small chance of instantly killing whoever it hits. Jayme should do nothing more than heal; you can't afford for him to do anything else. Matt should use all of the equations he has. Don't bother with any of Bobby's status anomalies: nothing works. Have Faye attack physically, while Bobby should use Hat Missile. Don't use Juggle, AJ will just catch it. Though the battle is long and hard, you will find it extremely awarding by the loads of XP and JP you should get afterwards. RANDY Piece of cake. Since Randy is a made-up character, the creator of this game obviously saw no good reason to put him in, but did anyway. He's really easy: he only uses attacks called "Wannabe Wrestling", each with different wrestling names. But all they really are are just punches that do exactly the same amount of damage. This man hardly deserves the boss music. DAN KAUDER VERY easy. Just attack for a few rounds, and Dan should fall. After one round, the following speech takes place: Bobby: What the foxtrot are you doing, Dan!? Dan: I shall defeateth thou in combatte, and the name of Sir Kauder shallt reign supreme! Bobby: ...For beating ME!? You're kidding, right? Dan: Prepare for combatte, Sir Bobbeth of Jones! Bobby: Oy... MRS. DELANGE The only problem with the battle are the first four rounds. Go ahead and use Dan's Huh?, Wuh? and Zuh? attacks, since he'll leave shortly. Use Insult only if you feel brave enough to put Bobby in Pissed Off state, but do NOT use Conform: the chances of Dan going over to the enemy's side are too high. At the fifth round, Mrs. DeLange will create The-Super-Hyper- Ultra-Power-Mega-Turbo-Monster, a demon which has 999999999999999 hit points, and 999 to all stats, the highest possible. It will knock Bobby out in one hit, in which Dan will say: Dan: Bobby, defeatedeth!? Then, -I- am the greatest geeketh in thy school!! (Dan learns The-Super-Hyper-Ultra-Power-Mega-Turbo-Attack!!!) You now control Dan. Use The-Super-Hyper-Ultra-Power-Mega-Turbo-Attack to kill the The-Super-Hyper-Ultra-Power-Mega-Turbo-Monster in one hit. If you don't, the The-Super-Hyper-Ultra-Power-Mega-Turbo-Monster will kill Dan and the game will be over. At this point, Bobby will regain consciousness. Bobby: Dan...Use The-Super...Whatever to kill Mrs. DeLange! Dan: Whateth!? YOU'RE backeth! Thee art OUTTETH here! (Dan leaves the party!) Bobby: Ah, SHIT! At this point, the rest of your party joins. Faye will apologize for taking so long and says she had to go back to her home in Utah because the school bathrooms stank so much. Jayme will say he heard the commotion and ran to help. Matt will say he dropped a gum wrapper with a million dollar prize on it, and came up to get it. In any case, you should now have more than enough firepower to defeat Mrs. DeLange. MRS. ZINGARO Despite being one of the "Four Main Teachers" (meaning Bobby fights her alone), Mrs. Zingaro is extremely easy to defeat. She uses Grade Lowering pose VERY often, so Bobby has dozens of chances to heal himself. Truth be told, she's only mildly stronger than a random battle, in strength and HP. The only reason why she isn't defeated as quickly is her Grade Lowering attack. This is the only way you can get below an A, by the way. Just defeat her quickly, or if you'd like, draw the battle out as long as you can. Hitting a Boss nets you a lot of JP, so the longer this battle lasts, the stronger you can make Bobby. MR. MILLER Since Mr. Miller is one of the "Four Main Teachers", of course, Bobby fights him alone. The battle is actually rather difficult, especially since Mr. Miller, being a math teacher, has all the abilities of Matt (mathematician); except his are mastered and are much more successful. And of course, being one of the "Four Main Teachers" ((I'm frikkin' getting tired or writing that out every time...)), he uses their trademark Grade Lowering pose. Not very ofte, though, but watch out - he sometimes uses it out of the blue, and you might find yourself attacking him before you even know he's in it. Bobby, by know, should have learned Inside Joke. If not, you're in for a REAL hard fight. After using it, just belt out your strongest attacks, occasionally using Altoids or items to heal. JAMIE HYDRA Faye fights this battle alone. Have her use Four-Eyes and Panic, then just attack physically. Jamie Hydra isn't really that difficult, as most of her attacks are weak ones such as "Slap" and "Fucking Fuck", but she does have one strong one: "REAR! *hiss*", which has a good chance of confusing Faye. This is rare, though. Otherwise, it should be a pretty easy battle. Notice, also, that throughout the entire battle, the words "CaT fIgHt!" are written at the top of the screen. ROID This can be a very difficult battle. For some very, very stupid reason, the two new characters you get (who participate only in this one boss fight) are completely useless, except for their abilities, which target or heal allies. Since Roid is so humongous and fat, all of Zach's food abilities actually HEAL him. And whenever James uses "word" skill, Roid just responds with "You're gay", and nothing happens to him. Just use Zach to help with Jayme's healing: Bobby and James should attack. Roid's attacks are "Flice" in which a bunch of flice (hybrids of fleas/lice) come out of his hair and attack one person for high damage, and "The Wave" in which he sits down heavily on the other side of the table, doing moderate damage to everyone and messing up their positions. BATT MEZIAT (2nd Battle) This really is just a duplicate of the last time you fought him. Except this time, you not only have Jayme, you should have most of your abilities. But Batt, too, has learned some new abilities. The most damaging is "Many Books", which hurts everyone on screen. But also look out for "Sundoodles", which can very nearly kill one person, even at full health. But it's rarely used. MIKE AND KEVIN I don't care what your excuse is. If you can't defeat these guys, you really, really suck. I mean, you're the suckiest suck that's ever sucked, sucker. Mike uses only one attack, "Screeching Voice", in which his puberty attacks you for weak damage and a low chance of silence. Kevin uses "Pokémon", which randomly calls different Pocket Monsters to do different things. The only three he can use are "Squirtle", that does water damage, "Charmander", does fire damage, and "Chansey", which heals. DAD This is the hardest battle in the game, perhaps even more difficult than the final battle. Dad has every single ability that Bobby has, mastered. And his abilities hit much harder than Bobby's. Not to mention that Bobby fights this battle alone. The only difference is that Dad does not have any items or an inventory. So, slowly, you can win, perhaps. Just attack, whittling off Dad's HP bit by bit, and healing yourself when necessary. You should do fine if you have a high enough level. Hopefully you'll have "The Greatest Meal Known to Man (TM)". Use it only in the case of an emergency. JUSTIN AND KEARY This is actually just a difficult clone of the battle against "MIKE AND KEVIN". Especially since Keary uses "Pokémon". On top of the three that Kevin had, Keary has "Pikachu", which hits one person and inflicts "Pissed Off" status on them; "Mewtwo", which does massive damage to one person and will definitely kill them unless you're packing very high levels (look out for this one!); and "Clefable", which does any random ability. Justin does nothing more than attack (at least, that's all I've ever seen him do), so he's not really a threat. This battle is VELLY hard without a secret character, so I suggest you have one. DENTIST This is hardly a battle at all. No matter how weak you are, it only takes three rounds to kill this guy. Each time you hit him, one of his limbs pop off, and even more quotes are stolen from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". (Kids, do us programmers a huge favor, and do NOT play this in front of anybody who works for Monty Python...God knows that we've been sued enough times for copyright infringement) BATT MEZIAT (3rd Battle) The final battle has three phases. The first phase is the same Batt you've fought twice in the past. He has the same abilities as the second time you've fought him, so it is nothing new. After you do enough damage, he'll say... Batt: eNoUgH oF tHiS... ...And transform into an angel type bad guy. Of course (all video games seem to have this, now). This is where his new spells come into play: "Geddon'sArm", "Alypseapock", and "Nagrarock". They're all very powerful. Nagrarock does a -LOT- of damage to everybody on the screen. In fact, if everyone isn't at full health or you're not really high leveled, it just might kill you all. Alypseapock will kill one person, at 100%, from across the entire battle field. Simply put, you can't escape it. And it never misses. Unfortunately, he uses this spell the most. And finally, perhaps the worst of all, is Geddon'sArm. This heals 100% of his HP, no matter how much he has left. He rarely, VERY rarely uses it, but it is a royal pain in the ass when, after hours of fighting, he heals himself up all together. If you can beat the second form, Batt will transform one last time into a little white and brown guinea pig. At this point, you will be asked by Batt whether or not you think it's funny. DO NOT SAY YES! If you do, Batt will attack, and he has a damned HIGH speed. Everyone spends their turns cracking up at the sight. With Batt's high speed and strength, he kills everyone quickly. If you choose NO, then one hit will easily kill him. And that's it, folks. Stop reading this Battle Strategy. ...You're dumb. ************ *8. Secrets* ************ **Battle Dad** Believe it or not, you can still fight Dad even if you got straight 'A's on your report card. All you have to do is answer his questions with the correct answers. Only the following answers can work, so be careful. 1.) Bite me. 2.) 42. 3.) I AM a homosexual. 4.) So what if I'm ugly? At least I'm not POPULAR! 5.) Deodorant? What the HFIL is that? 6.) No. 7.) Yes. 8.) Magenta. 9.) No, I do no want to fight you. Thanks for offering, though. 10.) Hey, I need some condoms. Saying these will piss Dad off enough to fight you. This really serves little purpose other than the XP and JP you'll get for beating him, but some hard-core RPGers may wanna fight him just for the HFIL it. Morons. **Battle Dad** **Secret Dungeon** If you choose to walk the other way, instead of going home after you get off the bus, you go into a secret dungeon. There is no boss, and no real point to it, but there are some very difficult bad guys that give you a lot of XP and JP. Also, treasure chests contain great items, like Dountain Mew and Wheelchairs. It's a great place to stock up for the difficult battles ahead. I suggest you take it. Just be warned, though there are no bosses, and some of the random bad guys CAN be as strong as bosses... **Secret Dungeon** **The Greatest Meal Known To Man(TM)** If you choose to go upstairs after coming in your house for the first time, you can enter a mini-game in the kitchen to create The Greatest Meal Known To Man(TM). You can add any ingredients to make any dishes for the meal, but it's really rather simple. The only difficulty is finding the right ingredients. You need the following... 5 Hot Dogs + Ketchup Cheese + Macaroni Mountain Dew (make sure to get the ONE Mountain Dew can in the midst of many other Dountain Mews) Just follow the basic instructions of the mini-game with these ingredients, and you should have it made just fine. Good luck! Not that it's needed, you cheater... **The Greatest Meal Known To Man(TM)** **Alternate Endings** Unbeknownst to many, there are TWO different endings to the normal one after you beat the game. The two different ones are very similar. If you die during school, the screen says "GAME OVER!!!!" in big letters. That's one. If you die anywhere else, the screen says "GAME OVER!!!!!" in big letters. That's the other one! Have fun finding them! **Alternate Endings** ********** *9. Items* ********** --------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ITEM | DESCRIPTION | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Droft Sink | Heals 15% maximum HP | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Boot Rear | Heals 20% maximum HP | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *June Pruice | Heals 25% maximum HP | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Milk | Heals 30% maximum HP, poisons lactose-intolerant Bobby | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Injure Jail | Heals 40% maximum HP | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Dountain Mew | Heals 50% maximum HP | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Revival Sock | Stinks so bad - it'll wake the dead! | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Jock Strap | Putrid, disgusting, yet strangely... | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Avdil | Generic brand Advil - cures Pissed Off and Berserk State| |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Pill | Cures Silence and Blind state | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Vitamin | Cures Sleep state | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Wheelchair | Cures Don't Act/Don't Move state | |-----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | *Greatest Meal | Heals 100% HP and all status effects; can only be used | | Known to Man(TM)| by Bobby; can only be used once per battle | --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************** *10. Status Effects* ******************** ------------------------- | POSITIVE STATUS EFFECTS | ------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- | STATUS EFFECT | DESCRIPTION | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Regen | User gradually gains HP | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Haste | User's speed is doubled | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Protect | Physical attack do less damage to user | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Shell | Abilities do less damage to user | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Reraise | User comes back to life directly after being killed | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *AttackUp | Attack is raised | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *DefenseUp | Defense is raised | --------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ | NEGATIVE STATUS EFFECTS| ------------------------ --------------------------------------------------------------------- | STATUS EFFECT | DESCRIPTION | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Confused | User does random abilities; becomes uncontrollable | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Blind | Accuracy is greatly decreased | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Silence | Special abilities can't be used | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Poison | User gradually loses HP | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Berserk | User attacks closest person; becomes uncontrollable | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Don't Act | User can't use any abilities, items, or attack | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Don't Move | User cannot move | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Stop | User can't use abilities, items, attack, or move | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | *Pissed Off | Accuracy and attack power lower slightly | --------------------------------------------------------------------- ************ *11. Thanks* ************ -Matt, Jayme, Zach, James, and anyone else who appeared in this game For not only letting me use them for characters, but letting me poke fun at them at a pitiful attempt at humor -Faye Nelson Not only for appearing in the game, but for giving me much ideas and the like =) Among misc... "other" things... -Matt DeCarli For the idea "Rear! *hiss*" as an attack -Ragnarok My "typo man"; he not only fixed numerous speeling/grammer errers, but also helped me with the alignment of many of the columns. -JefreyAtW For various phrases in Daravonese for James to speak in -Blue M&Ms For those great conversations late in the night when I am bored and in need of an intellectual chatting session -Blossom The best of the Powerpuff Girls, and my one true love. Damned if she's too young for me, but c'mon, she'll be in FIRST GRADE next year! How old's she gotta be? **************** *12. Disclaimer* **************** The Life of Bob, some of it's contents, and the name "Bobby Jones" are copyright of Bob Corporation, Incorporated, 1986-2000. Don't steal ANYTHING from this IAQ or I will sue the pants off of you (literally) and make myself filthy, stinking rich (so I can finally achieve that third and final one). Faye is cool, and I enjoy ham. Keep your nose clean, kid. So, in leaving, I say, bonjour.