The Apocalypse Strikes Back

The time: the late 60’s. Place: Some college somewhere. The thing: A screenplay adaptation of Heart of Darkness updated to coincide with the war in Vietnam. The person who wrote it: some college student.

Ok, so I don’t really know all the so-called facts, but it sets the stage. Vietnam with a Conrad edge was the main brunt of this screenplay. Francis Ford Coppala read the script, and decided that it should be done. But not by him. He had just finished producing young Georgie Lucas’s movie “American Graffiti” and thought the project would be good for him. The war was still in full swing, so they had the idea to send over Lucas and friends over to Cambodia with some cameras and equipment to film Heart of Darkness in a quasi-documentary style. Great way to save money on explosions: just film real government sponsored ones.

Unfortunately the project got more and more delayed, and soon the war ended. Lucas began work on “Star Wars,” Coppala took over the Vietnam/Darkness project, and the rest is history. Georgie Lucas made what is considered the best fantasy/sci-fi epic of all time, and “Apocalypse Now” (which was what the movie went on to be called, for all you idiots who didn’t get it) went on to be known as one of the best war pictures with Marlon Brando to grace the silver screen. Oh, and “Apocalypse Now” also has that guy from “The West Wing,” but from years ago, so he looks like Emilio Estevez (of “Maximum Overdrive” and “Mighty Ducks” fame).

Anyway, the whole point of this is to pose this question: what if George Lucas had made “Apocalypse Now”? It probably would have come off just as “avant-garde” as some of Lucas’s pictures from his USC days. He probably would have ditched his idea of a space opera serial, and continued to make movies like “THX-1138” (which, coincidentally, starred Robert Duvall, known as the “I love the smell of napalm in the morning” guy).

This is not necessarily a depressing thing. “THX” was a good movie (which Lucasfilm, better known as “The Company that Hates Releasing Movies on DVD,” hasn’t released on DVD yet), though it did not have the massive appeal of “American Graffiti,” “Star Wars,” or “Howard the Duck.” I, for one, am glad that George didn’t go over to Cambodia with a few cameras. For one thing, he probably would have gotten killed. If not by the “Charlies,” then by his own US compatriots, annoyed by his flannel and constant screaming of “Faster! More Intense!”

For another thing, “Star Wars” probably wouldn’t have ever been made.

Now, for as great “Apocalypse Now” is, I don’t think sacrificing “Star Wars” would have been worth it. Comparing them is like comparing apples and oranges, of course. And even if George Lucas made “Apocalypse Now” it wouldn’t have turned out anything like the Coppala Picture we all know and love today.

I apologize that my article isn’t really all that funny (not that any of my other articles are laugh-out-loud or anything), and I’m sorry. Originally I was going to write some scenes from “Apocalypse Now” and change them to “Star Wars” type situations. But I’m tired. And I’m out of cheetos. Therefore, I’ll do it later. Sorry.

Go forcefully and stuff. . .