Brother, Could You Spare a Galactic Credit?

Ok, so I’ve got a question. Where in the world do Jedi’s get their money? I mean, seriously now, are they employed by the Senate? It seems so; but it turns out that they only “advise” the Senate, and only “work with” the Supreme Chancellor. Maybe they get paid some sort of consulting fee. But that doesn’t seem like enough to pay for all the Jedi robes (which cost a ton of money, by the way, just check eBay), the lightsabers, the ships, the library, etc. ect. You get what I’m saying? To run the Jedi order must cost, like, a bazillion dollars.

And don’t tell me that the “Star Wars” galaxy is like the “Star Trek” galaxy where everybody is a hippie and they don’t need money. No, cuz that’s just a bunch of crap. Everybody wants money in “Star Wars.” And don’t tell me that the Jedi’s don’t use money either. Remember in Episode One when Qui-gon offers Watto money Watto refuses? Yeah, I don’t think that Queen Amidala gave Qui-gon that money. You want proof? Cuz I said so, that’s why.

Ok, through my use of crappy logic we’ve figured out that Jedi’s use money, and somehow they have a lot of it. So, obviously they have to have some ways of making said money. So, here’s some of the things they probably do to make dough (without water and flour):

1 – Jedi Tax. On the Galactic tax form they may be a little check box that requests that you donate a certain amount to the Jedi Order. But since nobody checks that box, they may have instituted a mandatory Jedi tax, which might lead certain political figures to make promises in their campaign speech: “. . .and If I am voted in for galactic senator, my fellow Bothans, I promise I will repeal the Jedi tax. . .”
2 – Mind Trick. Though it would probably be against the “Jedi rules” to do so, I think plenty of Jedi just wave their hands and say “my burger, coke, and fries are free.” Let’s just leave it at that.
3 – Late Night TV ads. Have you ever stayed up really late and watched the info-mercials? Yeah, they’re a blast. But anyway, do you notice that a lot of them have washed up movie stars and famous people hawking the products? “Buy this piece of jewelry and you can have a chest just like Chuck Norris!” Ok, well, what about the Jedi? Turn on the late night holo-vid and stuff and see ads like this: “Speak like Jedi Master Yoda, you want? Then buy the Yoda Hooked on Phonics On program, you must!” Or how ‘bout a Karaoke Machine endorsed by Mace Windu: “This party’s not over. . .”
4 – Parents. Ok, we all know that a Jedi is separated from his parents very early in life, but that’s not to say that the Jedi Order doesn’t keep in touch. Maybe the J.O. is like a really expensive college or something for preppie kids and all the parents are rich. Maybe that’s all the Jedi’s are; just a bunch of kids with rich parents that are trying to live their dream live vicariously through their children. . .or maybe not.

Maybe they just beg. Who knows. George Lucas will probably tell us “in the next movie,” just like he’s promised to tell us everything else. Well, that’s it for this week. Oh, yes, and last week I know I said that the columns would be everyday, but I was just kidding. I guess the stress of sitting on my ass all day has just gotten to me (or maybe it’s the fact that I bought Grand Theft Auto III); but I will, until further notice, be uploading a column but once a week. I’m sorry, but maybe it’ll make my writing a little better. Ok, until next week, this is Master Knotty, signing off. . .

May the force be with you. . .